Undergraduate / "successful artist" - The University of Texas at Austin [11]

Since childhood, I have always dreamed of becoming a talented and successful artist. I have seen firsthand the success stories some of my family had with UT.

Their rewarding experiences with UT and the promising futures they have, truly inspired me.

It was a challenging and rewarding experience to start in an unfamiliar environment. Throughout my employment history with several different employers, I was sometimes contracted to design printed media, such as restaurant menus, fliers, coupons and etc.

I was assigned a job as team leader within thirty days after I was hired by National Western Life, and my strong work ethic has also earned me a managers position at another company I was working for.

Hi! Great essay, but I was thinking you might add a little something specific about the schools art program, what it is that attracts you, or makes theirs stand out.

:)

Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]


For this, above, I think it is more manageable it it's slightly changed:

I would have dedicated my life to understanding this and many other cultures and the roles those cultures play in the modern world.

Hey now, IR is not the only option for that... maybe you want to major in cultural anthropology.

Oh... now I see that this last part of the first paragraph is confusing. You make it sound like you would have, but you will not do it after all. Change like this:

I would have to dedicate my life to understanding this and many other cultures and what role they play in the modern world. I would have to major in International Relations.

Okay, and the other thing, now, Tyler, is to make succinct, powerful paragraphs. You start that second paragraph as if it is going to be about traveling in Europe, but the bulk of the para is about that sheep dog concept. In order to make that section manageable, can you condense this whole part One particular course I took [...] knew that I wanted to be a sheepdog. ...can you condense all of that into one or two good sentences?

By condensing that, you will be well on your way to focusing it on the prompt. This is great stuff, and by your choice of EssayForum user-name I can tell you are very thoughtful, but I want to make sure you present this stuff in a way that specifically answers their question.

The stuff about 911, too... you need to say this stuff in fewer words. That way the essay's main idea can be WHY you want to transfer and WHAT you hope to achieve (say some more about their school, your situation, and your specific career plan). This can be great if you keep all these ideas but find ways to express them in way fewer words. That way, this essay will be jam-packed with meaningfulness and also manageable enough to focus on the prompt question. Use goot topic sentences for each paragraph to show that you are responding to the prompt:

My reason for transferring to XXX involves your school's excellent __________

By the way, thanks for all the help you have been giving other members!

Book Reports / Self-Fulfilling Prophecy in "The Blue Hotel" [19]

OH!! I'm so sorry!! My mistake, actually it is spelled BOTH ways! This is quite embarrassing!

:)

Poetry / The order from "Highest" to "Lowest" [6]

Here's a poem I composed for you:

Tetrameter has four "feet."
Dimeter has two.
Blank verse has no rhyme...
Hey, I can't do your work for you!

:)

Check out this website to figure out the answer:

cc.ysu.edu/~tacopela/Versification/TradMeters.html

Essays / Management Essay (successful or unsuccessful organizational behavior) [6]


For all these above, do you have class material and readings to explain them? If so, learn them, and then choose three to apply to your company. It will be cool! After you do that, I guess the next step is to follow Sean's advice, above.

It will help to make a list of practices and policies of the organization.

This kind of assignment has many aspects, so it can be overwhelming. You need to pick apart the instructions and it will be alright. Learn those concepts from decision making to change management! That is good stuff.

Graduate / reasons for pursuing an exchange experience [5]

Too much about the general benefits of being an exchange student, and not enough focus on your particular field of interest! Add a sentence to the beginning that says something like:

I intend to succeed as an innovative entrepreneur conquering the world of international business.

Also, fix this:

...and empowered by the program, I will see the value of my degree increase, because overseas study is evidence of independence, adaptability and a willingness to take on a challenge.

It's not "locales." It's "Locals" with no e.

Do you know what I mean about telling how this experience will benefit your particular process? You have to explain the unique characteristics of the field you choose. Explain them in terms of how this experience relates to each characteristic of this type of business, or this role that you want to play in business.

Graduate / SOP for Information Systems: e-Business Technology MSc [2]

I think it is important to show that you are ready, and that you are serious, by spending a long time researching the school first. Write a long list of features that are unique to this school, features that make it different from other schools.

Also, show through your writing that you know something about this field you are going into -- but do not spend too much time showing off your knowledge. Keep focused on showing them that you have a clear, focused, realistic, passionate vision for what you are going to do at this school.

See this:

sjsu.edu/faculty/gcallaghan/graduate/winningstate ment.htm

Writing Feedback / Essay: A Crab in the Sand [5]

Wow, this is such a great story, and very well written. Some things are just great, like;
Failing to cool off in two inches of water, I slowly peered out over the edge of the giant pit to check out the size of the waves and wonder how cold the water was. The beach had gotten very crowded with people trying to cool off. From my perspective in the pit, I noticed that the sand was covered with beach towels, which made it look like a strange, haphazardly-sewn quilt.

and, "Squinting up into the sun, I could barely see his face, but he was wearing a giant grin."

You do need a stronger opening though, one that embodies the theme of your essay. Also, in the last sentence, you use the word "endure". I think maybe "persevere" might sound better.

:)

Essays / Letter to a friend - a photograph of an important school occasion [7]

No! This topic is one of the ones you can have fun with and let your personality shine through! Does it say anywhere that the story has to be true? :)

How about,...hmm,...okay, you notice in the picture (of the graduation, class trip, school dance, etc.) that your best friend was in the background holding hands with your girlfriend! Write that sneaky dude a letter! You could easily fill in all five points with that!

Or how about if you saw that your friend, who was standing right next to when the picture was taken, did not come out in the picture. You were standing there with your arm draped over nothing. Suddenly, you realize your friend is a vampire! Yikes!

I'm looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

Perhaps this is supposed to show your conscientiousness about an issue related to the school itself. If that is the case, think of what it is about the school that you think could be improved -- what policy or practice? What picture would convey that?

:)

Writing Feedback / Essay: Who is more important in the family? Mother or Father? [7]

Mothers always sacrifice a lot for the happiness of her husband and children.

She can have a job and still take care of everything else, from cooking and looking after the children, to maintaining the house.

"Fathers usually go to jobs, and return home for dinner, and that's usually the case in almost every family."
I'm not so sure if this is true, maybe you should check that 'fact' for accuracy!

Yes, fathers do care about their children, but cannot do many things that the mother can do for her child.
When a child is emotionally hurt, or confused, it is the mother he goes to for answers, and to feel good about them. The mother also has a deep emotional attachment with her children, unlike the fathers.

Again, this may be offensive, as I personally know (and had one myself) fathers whose children are just as likely to run to instead of mom for comfort and support!

A child does need both the parents to grow up, at different stages of his life, but even in an unfortunate case of having a single parent; he/she would always prefer their mother over father.again

You should definitely re-do this at least by adding phrases like, "in my opinion" or something like that. You cannot state something as fact if it in truth is not. Here's one more example;

"We can even see this in nature, in the wild. The males leave the females after having children to mate with other females."

Well, I have four finches, and one of them is the poor father, who has been sitting on the eggs all day for weeks, while the "mothers" hang out on the perch eating and gossiping all day! And how about poor male penguins?!

So fix it up, really, it won't take much to fix it. Re-post and we'll take another look.

:)

Undergraduate / Common app Short Answer (cyber competition) [17]

I think you could actually leave off the whole first paragraph, if you add the name of the game to the first sentence in paragraph two, for example you might start with, "The developments at the beginning of the game Starcraft are all identical:..."

That puts you far enough under the word limit that you may add a little bit more if you like, but it is good.

:)

Book Reports / Self-Fulfilling Prophecy in "The Blue Hotel" [19]

In other words, the men in the game are blind to what the men looking on clearly see.

The Swede died because his limited perception of events caused him to fear for his life in a safe place and to be careless with it in a dangerous place.

whiskey is spelled like this, with an "e".

Wow, this is great!

Writing Feedback / Living a simple but meaningful life is a lifestyle which you must choose. [7]

Hey, I think this is one of the most heartfelt, thoughtful essays on EssayForum! Do not mistake Sean's criticism for something negative; good harsh criticism is the best thing for a good writer. Try to get the most out of the criticism, because nothing is as valuable to your writing as getting someone's reaction. Here in this essay, use that criticism as a guide to refine the thesis -- it is essential to be clear about what truth the essay stands for and to stick with the idea ... or at least come back to it after digression.

But you have great talent for writing. For example, this sentence has brilliant rhythm:

Taking a look around ... competes for your attention and business.

Like Sean said, too many rhetorical questions can be problematic, but I like how you use them. Your composition is so good that I kept checking this for plagiarism to see if you had copied!!

:)

Good luck!! And check out the EF_Contributor Page (link at the bottom of the screen)

Undergraduate / 'level of programming' - Personal essay for transfer admission to the University of Pittsburgh [4]

For as long as I can remember, I have always had a passion for technology and a desire to learn. I currently have an Associate Degree in Electronics Technology and work full time as an Engineering Technician.

Yes, I agree that it is good that you added some specific points about why the school is better than others. It will be better, too, if you add a few sentences so that you do not end with that comment from the teacher. The comment from the teacher is strong -- very good idea, because it shows not only that you impressed the teacher, but also that you are humble enough to cherish a compliment from your teacher -- but you should not end with it. End with reflection.

Writing Feedback / Help rewriting Lead paragraph and Conclusion - Computer History Paper [12]

Commas:

The PC gave rise to the dot come boom, and without that...well, who knows?

Hey, I have found that when I want to write powerfully, I start with a body paragraph, NOT the lead or conclusion. One strong body paragraph, and then another, and then another, and then I am able to see what is taking form. I always write the intro and conclusion last.

Can you write 5 little, powerful essays and integrate them into one? That is how to make a powerful essay. I think the lead para and conclusion should be written according to the body paragraphs, which consist of your actual message. What is your central message? Is it that our dependence on computers is inappropriate? Perhaps our dependence on them is appropriate because they are so powerful, but the complexity they create with the information explosion burdens EDUCATION with an unprecedented challenge to prepare students for a complex world.

Writing Feedback / Short Essay on Modern day televison watching. [5]

YES! That is a great way to explain it: Find the way your points are interconnected, and the transitions, intro, and conclusion become not only easy, but also meaningful.

I look for your main point, just like anyone would if you were saying this stuff in conversation, and it seems that you are just describing TV watching. What can you say that is more meaningful. Can you go through this one more time to make it so that all these points support a common idea? Maybe the main theme here is that TV is somehow SYMBOLIC of the modernization of society. Maybe your argument is that TV watching is a meaningful, collaborative human activity that has come a long way since the invention of the thing...

Also, this sentence is weird:

Watching television is a culture of today's modern society.

I see that Sean already fixed it, but really, it is a statement of the obvious. Use that space to write your main point about TV, your interesting, cool theme for the essay.

Graduate / SOP for Graduate Admission: computers and business [4]

I think you should write out the word six instead of 6. Also, the paragraph that starts with During my last year in college, my classmates and I started...

... this one is very short. You should develop it into a full paragraph of about four sentences, so that this experience is presented as a meaningful one. Try to get all your paragraphs to be full and complete, decisive like a clean cut with a samurai sword.

Also, "prospective" means you are checking something out. You meant to write about broadening your perspective.

Good luck!! This has good potential. I like how you get right to the point with your opening sentence.

Essays / Victor Catala/ Caterina Albert, 'Solitude' Models of Masculinity [5]

Yes! And look online for good ways to write a "compare and contrast" essay, because you will do well if you compare and contrast, say, 3 or 4 "types" of masculinity as they are portrayed by various characters. And as you apply Sean's excellent advice, don't overlook that important point made by Kevin93: you can write a thorough essay if you cover the many aspects of this abstract term, "masculinity."

Writing Feedback / All About Me, A COMPILATION OF MY THOUGHTS [4]

I love it! You are smart. Yeah, I wonder if there is any rubric or criteria by which you will be graded. If so, make sure you comply, but really this piece of writing is excellent -- not just for your grade level but for anyone. You can improve it now by isolating a single theme that gives purpose and form to the whole essay; the points you make can by united by a common, central theme or idea that you represent. Can you make a list of all the ideas in this piece of writing, and see what they all have in common?

Also, please extend to your teacher my admiration, because I think s/he is doing something very meaningful by giving this assignment.

Essays / Is there a wrong way to start a narrative essay? [14]

I didn't think that sounded sarcastic! I thought it was just that typing-induced giddiness. Sometimes, I get really involved with these essays and I think I say things that could be taken the wrong way...ha ha, I thought the "hooray" was like when someone really gets energized by a song they're listening to. :)

Writing Feedback / Supposedly we, young people, are no longer interested in religion, and thus losing belief in God. [5]

You really have to focus more on your main subject. In the second paragraph, you elaborate way too much on some things that aren't really your topic, and seem to veer off occasionally, as in, ..."where the struggle of life begins"..."with the job shortages worldwide,". ." pleasing their bosses just to earn some bread". I know what you are saying, but you need to be clearer on your opinion. Do you think the younger generation is so different than those prior? Do you feel kids are not as religious as their elders because they don't have time to think about God or go to an organized worship session? That the world as it is, makes them too busy?

So focus, get rid of any unnecessary sentences, and state your opinion more clearly.

You'll know you fixed the essay when someone can read it and then tell someone else, in a single sentence, what your view is of the issue.

Undergraduate / U of Texas, Austin Topic A (every stage of my life) [9]

Well, if anyone tries to steal your essay, you show that it is YOUR original work because you gave your full name when you became a member. So, that can work in your favor.

In order to see about getting the essay removed, see the TOS. :-(

THANKS!!

Writing Feedback / If criminals have punishments that are not severe enough, it may encourage people to commit crimes [7]

When you fix it up, re-post it here and we will give you all the help you need.

:)

Writing Feedback / Kouzes and Posner's practices within a leadership event. [3]


This (above) looks like maybe you took a quote word-for-word without using quotation marks. If you quote directly, you need to put it in quotation marks.

But maybe that is something you paraphrased, in which case it is okay.

Now that I am reading the paper, I see that it seems excellent. You announced at the start what you would cover, and then you eloquently wrote about it. Are you attending to every aspect of that model? When you write something according to a model, it is to show the prof that you understand the model, so be thorough about each aspect of that leadership model and conclude when you have thoroughly expounded the leadership event in the framework of that model.

Now, you can add one more concept to the introduction -- a thoughtful idea that is sort of a philosophical lesson you learned from applying this model to this leadership experience. Describe a cool insight that comes from this analysis, and then refer to it again at the conclusion.

:)

Writing Feedback / "The Great Gatsby is seen in two ways" - Help with Essay Writing - [10]

Hello!

If someone pastes material from other websites, it causes problems for us and can possibly lead to accidental misuse of other people's material. This site needs to have all original material. I hope that makes sense to everyone!

If your material gets removed, it might be because you posted a second draft, in which case we may remove the previous draft. If your whole post gets deleted, you can find out why by looking at the TOS.

Thanks!!

Scholarship / Scholarship application essay - demonstrating outstanding ability to lead [3]

No, don't trash the first part! But get rid of that weak first sentence. Then, start by telling:

(WHO?) started kicking out the dinner crowd.

and further down:

I spent eight months of talking everyday addressing issues one-by-one and insisting that fellow students and teachers make credible arguments. - before I felt I had accomplished anything.

The girl beside me spoke. She explained that she was the single mother of two who just been fired. She would not receive welfare for a month and had no money for groceries.

This story is compelling. The way to improve it is to take some time to let the reader know -- near the beginning -- what this is all about. You can start with the story, but pause somewhere near the beginning to tell the reader what the central meaning of the essay is. That way, the story will support the theme. The theme is like the moral of the story.

I had been at the school eight months before that discussion. I had been trying to get people talking about such-and-such every day. I went to school in that period .

Essays / Is there a wrong way to start a narrative essay? [14]

The fear of standing up for myself is what caused me to reach the title...

The old way of siting back and allowing things to happen to me was gone.

Hey, that is important advice from Sean. I wonder if you could add one strong, explanatory, interesting sentence to the very beginning. In that first paragraph it would also be great to tell the ain theme, the moral of the story, so that you can refer back to it at the end and the essay will be very meaningful and memorable.

:)

Undergraduate / Background, interests, personal and professional accomplishments [5]

...while in secondary school, but despite my inner conflicts I was labeled by several teachers as a child with high potential.

This is great! I think that right after this part ...not my best effort. right after that part you should make a meaningful statement about personal progress, and the development of personal strength when crucial events force us to take things seriously. Make that the theme of your essay, and then tell the story:

However My life changed forever when my sister...

Now, as you write the conclusion paragraph, refer back to that meaningful theme you introduced in the beginning.

:)

Grammar, Usage / APA formatting - Review Essay [17]

For in-text citations, you still have to use the author's last name and date:

(King, 2002)

After th first time you do that, you don't need the date. If you are writing article reviews, your writing focuses mainly on one article, so you probably would not have much need to put the person's name in parentheses to tell who you are talking about. I hope that answers your question!! Good luck!

Undergraduate / Lehigh Supplement A, "never limit my academic potential" [4]

I am convinced that the Lehigh would never limit my academic potential, because it provides such a wealth of options. Furthermore, I appreciate the advanced technology Lehigh offers to its students in an effort to enhance their acquisition of knowledge.

Hey, this does not seem too rushed. You did a good job of giving specific reasons, but the reasons mostly pertain to broad issues. Can you give some reasons for wanting lehigh that will show your personality, your character, your specific aspirations? Add one more paragraph, and spill your guts!

Graduate / Personal statement for MSc Computer Science (life-long goals) [3]

This is a very nice essay! For the first part, I think "hereby" is a little too fancy. How about:

Hereby I would like to express my keen interest in the [University name], and particularly in the Master program in Computer Science, and my sincere gratitude for your consideration of my application.

And then at the end you can omit that mention of thanks, and just write: It would be a great honor for me if given an opportunity to pursue further studies at your highly esteemed university.

And here, you need a dash on each side:
degree program I have chosen -- Computer Science -- is surely...

I recognized that, beside academic knowledge

Grammar, Usage / APA formatting - Review Essay [17]

So, you are trying to come up with the title? How about:

Dogs ad Cats: A Review of Stephen King's Essay "Bler De Bler De Bler"

Or:

Dogs and Cats: A review of "Bler De Bler De Bler" by Stephen King.

Titles of books need italics, but titles of essays or articles can go in quotes. I hope I am understanding your question correctly and not misleading you. Anyone else have thoughts about this?

Graduate / Drawing a blank on Essay prompt (is there an outline?) [4]

Yes! For every essay, keep in mind that you are leading the reader's attention. So, grab the attention by starting off with something interesting. Then, make your main point at the end of the first paragraph -- what do you stand for... what is your drive to succeed in this program?

Use the middle paragraphs to give anecdotes or highlight your aspirations and achievements, and then at the end go back and reflect on that main theme again. What is your central truth, the thing that drives you? Start and finish with the same fascinating and inspirational idea for which you stand.

Writing Feedback / "The Great Gatsby is seen in two ways" - Help with Essay Writing - [10]

In that first sentence, you said certain themes were "mentioned," but I thin it is more accurate to say a theme is "conveyed" or "represented" than to say a theme was "mentioned."

It is a little redundant to say "a dream of gaining the American dream"... how about a "vision of achieving the American Dream."

Sean's idea of focusing on one theme is good, or, alternatively, can you find a common element that is inherent within the themes you described?

Giving your essay a main point, a strong purpose which takes form as a message -- a sentence at the end of the first paragraph -- they require you to affirm the idea of "double vision." That is pretty cool... and I think you could reflect on that a little more than you already do in the last paragraph. You write quite well... I found an error here, though:

In conclusion at all times during the duration of the novel, double vision is present in subtle ways, and in some ways it does represent how he felt about certain people in general.

:)

Scholarship / Scholarship essay, person I admire (my dead Uncle) [6]

Ha ha, I was going to say that is a cool idea, because the most influential person could indeed be someone who you do NOT want to be like. But if th prompt says "admire" you have to comply. :)

Grammar, Usage / The rotten Apple spoils his Companion - Need help with proverb [4]

If you hang out with someone who is shady or not nice, people will think you are like that too. Guilty by association.

:)

Graduate / nursing graduation admission - professional goals essay [6]

What is the prompt? That is what is important. Also, I'm sure you probably have more than one goal.

How about this:

1. Capture their interest with something interesting and unexpected in the first sentence, and tell them your own professional philosophy in a single sentence at the end of that paragraph. With that important sentence, you convey the meaning of the whole essay.

Write about people and experiences that inspired you.

Write about your accomplishments.

Write about how their school's particular, unique resources and professors will empower you (research the school online).

Conclude with some personal reflction, and give them a reason to care. Make them feel respected, and also make them respect your seriousness as a student.

Graduate / Formatting, Approach, and References in Graduate Admissions Application [3]

Ha ha, I enjoyed your personality as it was reflected in this idea you described! Well, first of all, let me assure you that if I was an admissions person who found your essay at this forum, I would be very impressed to see that you went as far as to seek opinions from others before turning in the essay. It's not as if collaboration is against the rules for this sort of meaningful endeavor.

I wanted to caution you against being indirect about answering their questions. Some people judge you by how well you were able to jump through the hoop represented by their essay prompt. I think you can convey the thoughts you described, about acquiring this second background before pressing on with the legal education, in just a few sentences while you answer part two of this essay prompt. For part one, spend a paragraph or two writing about that has captured your passion -- what is it that you are trying to accomplish with this career of yours?

Answer their questions they way they specified, and use some of the words they used (i.e. "problem of interest," "short term and long term goals," "accommodate," "policy"). Jump through their hoops, and do it brilliantly. I can tell you write well.

Essays / The Significance of Setting in "Roselily" by Alice Walker [6]

Yes, I was just thinking that maybe sometimes students don't know to look for, say, symbolism in the choice of setting used by the author -- a review of the significance of setting might get someone thinking from the author's point of view and then they will say, Wow, now I see why Walker set this story in the place and under the circumstances that she chose!

Essays / Is there a wrong way to start a narrative essay? [14]

Yeah, that is true! It was just an interesting thought I had when I read your comment. But how about this: a persuasive essay intended to persuade people who like sex and drugs, so it hooks the with that opening line you mentioned and then segues into, I don't know, persuading them to make sure they finish college (perhaps so that they can be proof that sex and drugs do not hold one back from success).

If you are sneaky enough, you can use something irrelevant to hook the interest of someone who would not otherwise be receptive. :)