Posts by Kitsumi

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Student Talk / Suggestions to Essay Writers [9]

I've only commented on 28 essays so far, but many share the same issues. I don't know if this is the right thread to post here, but I really want to mention it.

1. Don't use contractions. E.g. "do not" instead of "don't", "I am" instead of "I'm", etc.

2. Variety is the spice of life. Vary your vocabulary, use the thesaurus if you have to. Just don't put the same word twice, it gets repetitive.

3. Alternatively, you can use the rule of three. You can use it to repeat the same word/phrase/sentence starter three times. You can only repeat it three times, no more no less.

4. You. Yes, you. i know you want to feel like you're reaching out to the reader, but don't put the word "you", "your", "yours", or any other form of "you" in your essay. It's informal.

5. What is it about this specific university? Most university prompts are similar, stuff like "How you can contribute to _____ uni", or "How will you interact at ______?" Give specific things about the university. Does it have a special program? Is it awesome (and if so, in what way)? If I were to substitute another university's name into your essay, would the essay still make sense? If it does, the essay is too general.

6. DO NOT CAPITALIZE. It is extremely informal and a pain to read.

7. Run-on sentences are extremely long and tiring, and they aren't good for your paragraphs because they are super long and contains way too many ideas, which really need to be separated into different sentences, one for each idea or two, and they are obvious in that if the sentence is longer than two lines, then it is probably a run-on sentence.

I hope this helps.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Future Profession/ Compassion/ Responsibility/ PERSONAL RESPONSE/ Why NURSING? [2]

This essay is extremely long, and after a while a bit tiring to read. Your paragraphs are a wall of text. Try to separate them a bit more so it's spaced out better. In a formal essay like this one, don't use contractions. I haven't fixed any for you, you'll have to do that yourself. Vary your diction; this applies to all words, not just "nurse".

Your ideas repeat over and over; I didn't want to be a nurse, I didn't know I want to be a nurse; I was born to be a nurse. That's how I felt after reading the essay. You spent a long time describing your future as a photographer, and other than the helping people part, it's not that important to being a nurse.

Do try to cut down your essay. Admission Officers have hundreds if not thousands to look through, and long ones don't appeal that much. I hope this helps.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / 'Quaker saying about life' - Tufts supplement [7]

moon05
My hands were never tied to anything, no. And I am qualified to teach piano now (although I have no students -.-). I was however, forced to play violin with my elbow on a wall because I kept moving it the wrong way. My violin teacher recommended it. Of course, I was 14 as opposed to 3. And I was the one asking for lessons.

I've come to realized that they to strive in providing me all of the things they weren't able to have nor do

Watch your verb tenses. Also, your answer just seems a lot more wordy.

As I grew older, the pressure from my parents became more tolerable however their efforts have definitely influenced me to be a better individual

As I grew older the pressure lessened, but their influences remained, encouraging me to be a better individual.

My parents' determination to provide me with the very best the world can offer as well as their never ending support

Again, wordy.

Wordiness in essays may sometimes feel like a good thing, but when an admissions officer have thousands to look over, conciseness is key.

Also, don't use contractions.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Picture Books/ Explore Beijing/ Friends/ Action; Tufts App/ Who am I? [5]

This essay is really random. Sometimes that's a good thing but it's not good for this one. It requires a focus, a point. What is the point of your essay? To show who you are? If that is the case, what does the flower show about you? Expand a bit more on the picture book. What was the story about? What made it memorable and indulging to you? Your stone house helped you escape reality, what things particularly about reality made you want to escape? How did your relationship with your best friend change? Your uncertainty scared you, did you overcome it? How?

This essay gave us only a glimpse of who you are, but it only leaves a lot more questions. Try to think of a central topic and build your examples around that topic. Also, most universities know who you are and how old you are when you apply, so you don't really need to include your name and age, unless you feel that makes you different from others.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / 'Quaker saying about life' - Tufts supplement [7]

You spelled Quidditch wrong. There's two d's. Also, that part just feels awkward, like a last-minute add-on. Or is that an example of putting yourself out there?

Either indent, or leave a space for the next paragraph.

It's kinda funny, I pretty much have the same childhood as you :P Replace violin with piano, and voila!

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / 'My savior' - why uchicago supplement [16]

This essay, like what admission2012 is saying, is way too general. Substitute UChicago with any other university name, and you would still get a readable essay. What is "free" about Chicago? What specific walls hindered you, and why would Chicago help you?

world's greatest learning destination

If that is the reason WHY you think Chicago can help you, please rethink a bit.

Moreover, the competitive students I will be surrounded by will provide me more encouragement to work harder and do better

This sentence does not flow well.

Overall, it's a nicely written GENERAL essay. If you were supposed to answer a question about why university is important then this would fit a lot better. Try to specify it more to Chicago.

Kitsumi

Jan 3, 2013

Undergraduate / Source of Energy; SOP for BS in Petroleum Engineering at Texas A&M [6]

As many psychology tests can attest to, the harder it is to help people the less likely they will be helped. I'd rather not give you my email, so if you want my help you'll have to post on this forum.

A note on this essay: it's slightly long, but it's fine if it's not over your particular word limit. I'm going to nitpick for grammar mistakes tomorrow, if you still want me to.

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / I am defined by my characteristics, beliefs, and perspective; McMaster; BHSC [2]

Another Mac applicant! :D

I agree with ParceledTongue, you can omit the "I believe" at the beginning.

My middle and secondary school years - put them in chronological order. Your entire paragraph talks only about your secondary school years though. Either incorporate middle school related things, or leave it out.

defined by my characteristics, beliefs, and perspective

So I see characteristics, but where is beliefs and perspective?

Wanna check out my mac essay too? :3

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / Bus Driver & Helping Others ; COMMON APP [4]

What is your prompt?

What is kismet?

What is the focus of your essay, is it how Levine taught you, the deeper reason to your desire to help others, or that a bus driver is not a respectable occupation?

For years now, I have been convinced that I will enter the pediatric line of work. Nonetheless, when asked "what do you want to do in life", I give the vague answer "I want to help others."

This is contradicting. If you have been convinced, then why did you give vague answers?

It is true that community service helps in fostering a passion; I discovered mine while volunteering as summer camp counselor.

How did this experience foster your passion?

Lastly, the part about Levine reminds me slightly of an About.com essay. I'm not saying it's bad, but don't throw something in there just because it was recommended.

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / BIOLOGY; Queen's 2012 PSE/ My goals for my time there [14]

Kouteri
I researched Queen's Commerce program, so I won't be able to tell you much about Biology. But I do know that there are some international exchange programs, and I believe (this may be the wrong school) that Queen's offer an environmental biology major with some university in Singapore? I found stuff by pulling everything from the homepage, really. I haven't noticed in my first go-around, but where did your "childhood aspiration: to understand what life is" come from? It's coming a little bit out of the blue.

Other than that though, the conclusion is fine. Better than my definition essay's, at any rate.

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / '...since Facebook is blocked in China' - Chicago Short answer #2 Danza Kuduro! [3]

Your title is slightly misleading, since it makes me assume it's something about the Great Firewall of China, and that you're Chinese.

It's a little awkward here. "I did not know this was happening. We were playing basketball during PE class and I had to use the bathroom few minutes ago. I did not know what to do."

Try not to use "I did not know" twice. Also, you know this was happening. You just didn't know HOW (or I'm assuming you didn't).

Here, you're contradicting yourself. Your friend was the one that prompted you to dance in the first place, unless you're talking about a different friend?

"Man, I loved it!" she said, "I didn't know you dance!"

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / BIOLOGY; Queen's 2012 PSE/ My goals for my time there [14]

I like your essay, but it seems very general. If you replace Queen's with another University's name, you would still get an understandable essay. What makes Queen's unique to you? Why do you want to be at Queen's in particular?

Also, try to vary your sentence structure. Don't use "I would like" consecutively. Alternatively, if you DO want to use them consecutively, follow the rules of three. Use it three times, no more no less.

This is a run-on sentence. Try to break it up.

Countless individuals who have demonstrated their dedication to the natural world through efforts in ecological rehabilitation during my 'journey' as an Ontario Ranger, and my role within the Macdonald Environmental Action Council, and Live Green Toronto has inspired me to make a difference.

Wanna look at my Queen's essay too? :D

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / Insecurity, Fear, Jealousy - UChicago / HUMAN CONFLICTS [4]

Try not to use "you" in your essay.

Soon, however - don't put a comma there

that I ~~conflicted~~ argued with - don't use the same words (conflict) too much. This can be applied to the rest of your essay.

You have some run-on sentences.

I realize that I have no "enemies" in individuals. Rather it is my own feelings of insecurity, fear, and jealousy that I have to overcome as a person. Although ~~I am not perfect and~~ I still sometimes let my emotions get the best of me, applying the philosophy that I have created for my myself has helped me tremendously. Not only has it resulted in a lower amount of conflicts, but also in a higher emotional satisfaction.

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / How my twin influenced me - personal statement [7]

During my first week at COSMOS... During icebreakers... - Try to vary your vocabulary a bit. Don't use "during" in consecutive sentences. This applies to a lesser extent on the word, "icebreaker".

Other than that though, good essay!

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / ICS program is one of a kind / Duke Sup/ Duke attractions [13]

It's a nice essay, there's just a couple of run-on sentences like this one:
Having attended a business-orientated magnet school for seven years and travelled across Europe and Asia, I have developed a passionate about a career in international diplomacy and business, and intend to major in International Comparative Studies (ICS) and minor in Economics.

You could try breaking them up, so the first part focuses on your schooling and travelling, while the second deals with your intended majors.

Kitsumi

Jan 2, 2013

Undergraduate / My testing scores and achievements - why Uchicago? [6]

a chance for me - no comma needed between

16 years ~~(back then)~~ - don't need that, past tense already implies back then

~~I mean~~ Where else can I experience them?

Kitsumi

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Studying Abroad/ U Rice - Unique Perspective [2]

This is a nice essay! You might want to check for run-on sentences though, like this one:
Prepared with only basic conversational skills, and with no ability to read or write Chinese, the teachers did not want to enroll me, afraid that I would lower the class mean scores.

Also, use the semi-colon instead of the colon.
On my first exam, I understood roughly two percent of the entire test, but thank goodness for multiple choice; I failed the test, 24 out of 100. Keep the formality, don't use "you" and "or something".

Kitsumi

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / Worthless; Stupid; Failure, these words shackled every aspect of my life [5]

In diving myself into these activities I have discovered my worth, intelligence and success. I still struggle with the noise, but I have learned to appreciate the pain that I have survived through. My attempt to conquer my parents' words shaped and molded me into a person that I am proud of today. Without the struggles , I would not have progressed. Through negating those words I found not only happiness but my purpose. The adversity ~~the~~ I faced has taught me to perceive hardship as an opportunity to develop. I'm certain that there is more difficulty to come, and I am ready to see what I can learn from these future trials.

Good essay, overall. But what is the prompt?

Kitsumi

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / "Step Up 3D" / "Human Behavior" / "Harry Potter" - NYU Supplements [16]

Yay Harry Potter!! <3

You shared your experiences with your friend Harry, but you identified more with Draco? Fanon aside, Draco and Harry really did not get along until the last book.

This sentence needs to be revised.
Rather than identify with the protagonist Harry
"Rather than identifying with..." or something similar?

I love your last sentence. Although I think the dashes should surround -death and betrayal-, and -love and peace-.

Kitsumi

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / "Step Up 3D" / "Human Behavior" / "Harry Potter" - NYU Supplements [16]

This sentence repeated "interest" too many times, so I tried to re-word it.
I'm attracted to NYU's excellent cross-disciplinary programs in the social sciences, because I can find a study plan unique to me, for my numerous interests.

I don't think you need the "being", just put "while situated".

"pressure of grades".

I think you need a conclusion.

Kitsumi

Jan 1, 2013

Undergraduate / "You are Not Special" ; Cornell Sup /Economics [15]

I like your essay! The intro drew me in, and it was a nice segue. In fact, I feel that every paragraph transitions nicely into the next. I just have three things to nit pick, a bit.

Is BusinessWeek supposed to be one word?

Should the relations in "School of Industrial and Labor relations" be capitalized?

I am not particularly good at grammar, but I feel like there's something off in this sentence. Would this work better?

A world in which countries can triple their GDP in a decade, where everything from the shirt on my back to the food on my plate has traveled thousands of miles to get there.