Writing Feedback / CAM 19: The proportion of the urbanites in 4 selected Asian countries [2]

Remember that you have a 29 minute writing time limit for this analytical report essay. Therefore, the advised length or number of words is no more than 150-200 words. These are the number of words that you can safely write within the allotted time. When you write over 200 words, you will cut into the time meant for writing the task 2 essay. Keep the task 1 essay brief but informative. Do not risk losing time to complete the task 2 essay.

Work on clearly formatting the paper as well. Define the paragraphs through a space between information presentation. This current presentation does not follow the required presentation format and will make it difficult for the reviewer to properly assess your work. Remember to look for the overlapping or equal figures in the image. Those are often overlooked and not reported. Adding those information will show that you took time to study the image and note the important information. Additionally, do not just identify the image as a graph as there are several types of graphs available. Always specify that is a line graph to give the reader a better idea of the image that you were provided and how the data might have been listed in the chart.

Undergraduate / Epidemiology and politics - Summer science program application Highschool [2]

The response is very technical and professional. You have developed a good summary of the information required within a single paragraph. However, I feel that the information you have provided as to how you pursue this interest is too technical and not very merit worthy. There needs to be a practical approach to your interest in the topic of epidemiology and politics. You did not mention if you won the writing competitions. If you joined but did not rank / win, then it is not a very strong reference on your part. It would however, been balanced if you had presented some practical or immersive approaches that you have taken to participate in the said topic.

Research Papers / Fossil fuels are killing our planet - ENG 102 MLA format [2]

I think it would be best not to assume that the reader is automatically familiar with the effects of climate change and fossil fuel use at the start of the essay. You can add some backstory to this by explaining how fossil fuel has historically been used and for how long we have been using it so far. That way, you can do a simple insert regarding how these activities have ruined our planet and killed some important bio sectors and created an ecological imbalance that has poisoned the planet. Adding these information at the start will allow you to have a much strong introduction and thesis statement. I would not change the introduction you have now, I would like you to improve upon it instead.

Writing Feedback / Breaking The Chain - An essay on the opioid epidemic and what we can do to fix it [2]

I hope that you have presented the draft of the essay for our review. This is nowhere near the final or edited version because the content blew up all over the place, lacking a proper focus and direction in the discussion. Try to create a more clarified historical look into the development of the Opioid epidemic as the introduction to the research paper. Connect your thesis statement to the introduction / historical paragraph. That is the information that should be contained in the first paragraph. Once you have fixed the first paragraph content, the rest of the essay will further be helped by proper chronological placement of the discussion and content editing. Accomplish these 3 in the next version and you will have a 2nd version that can be further reviewed towards the finalization of the information presentation.

Research Papers / The Immoral Implications of Animal Testing and its Necessity in the Advancement of Medicine [2]

I am not sure what paper format you are supposed to be using for this paper. The way that you are citing sources does not meet the normal academic standards for research writing. I think you need to refer to your professor and inquire as to what writing format you are supposed to use so that you can use the correct in-text citation format in your presentation.

Speaking of citations, you have to remember that you cannot use a citation to close the paragraph. The professor will expect you to use a citation then add either a personal insight or personally / publicly known information that will help further establish the citation as a reliable information source.

Writing Feedback / Some people believe that it is better for children to grow up in the countryside than in a big city. [2]

This is an over discussed essay that provides too many words to actually accomplish within 40 minutes. The essay should be compose of no more than 300 words, inclusive of 4 paragraphs that comprise the restatement + writer's opinion, 2 reasoning paragraphs, and a summary conclusion. Had you written this essay during the actual test, you would have ended up with an open ended essay, meaning it is not concluded, and you would have received an automatic failing mark. Keep your essay concise next time. Say more with less words. You do not need to over explain, you just have to explain without turning this into a vocabulary exercise. While showing off your English word skills will help increase your score, it is not a major scoring factor since the focus of the LR score is on using everyday English words to explain yourself.

Scholarship / A desire to Drive Meaningful Impact & Change in Developing nations (Application for QTEM Exchange) [3]

The answer to your question is yes, your essay presentation will be affected by the over run of 300 words in your response. Since this is an application that will be submitted electronically, the system has been designed to cut off all submitted text at 500 words. What will happen when you go over that number? Either the system will allow you a limited time to edit the essay to up to 500 words or, you will not be able to submit the document and you will have to edit it offline. My advice is, remove the unnecessary quotations from other people. Keep the essay focused on your thoughts, insights, and perspectives. That is what the reviewer is curious to learn about. The words coming from other people will not be considered as a part of your application essay.

Research Papers / Peer review needed. Research paper on school shootings [2]

While it was nice to read the story that you narrated at the beginning, it did not establish the thesis statement and research parameters for the research paper. So I would have to say that it is ineffective as an opening statement. A research paper always works best when a proper introduction to the topic, without any research references yet, is provided and leads into your thesis statement. You can state your experience as a basis in the paragraph, but in such a creative manner. You are not writing a creative paper so the narrative presentation needs to be changed. The thesis statement is good and establishes the working parameters for the research. So that should be in the first paragraph. The second paragraph should be revised to suit a first paragraph presentation.

Writing Feedback / I love the English language - summer course essay [3]

The background that you have opted to share in this essay is a nice one. It shows your empathy for others and a willingness to help them. It shows your ability to help people resolve their issues almost like a psychologist would. I do not believe that the variations on the word "good" connects very well to the discussion though. It feels like you are trying to force a connection between that word and your story. I believe it would be better for you to lose the word good and the references to it in the essay. The content and meaning of your response will not be affected by its removal. Changing the introduction just might help your application.

Scholarship / GKS-G Civil Engineering major, PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

Remove all language learning references. Work those information into the language study plan response instead. Download a copy of the prompt requirements for the personal statement for the next application cycle. Respond to the guide questions provided there. You should not use this current version since it does not provide the relevant information that will actually be part of the considerations for your application. You need to provide the correct information, specially regarding your academic exposure and achievements since those are specifically required, detailed information by the original writing prompt. It will be best for you to highlight your academic achievements and any mentors you may have had to help explain your interest in this scholarship.

Scholarship / GkS Graduate Scholarship For Master's Degree In Early Child Education [4]

This is not a GKS responsive personal statement. The specific information as required by the prompt was not provided at all. You cannot use any aspect of this essay. It will be best for you to write a new one. His time, use the question and answer type of outline as you develop your presentation so that you can be sure that you did not miss responding to a question and, that your response is aligned with the question provided. That way you can properly develop your response personal statement. This response is too superficial and selective in partial responses, making it unusable as a response. Do notbtell the reviewer what you want him to know about you. Tell him about the data he wants to know about.

Letters / Motivation Letter- ERASMUS MUNDUS SCHOLARSHIP FOR MATHS DISC JOINT MASTERS PROGRAMME. [3]

This motivation letter is background heavy. It fully illustrates your interest in the course and your applicable credentials. What it does not do is address the specifics of the EM motivation letter. These specifics have to do with:

1. Why you chose to attend the 5 universities in the 5 countries
2. How you plan to spend your 2 years as a student
3. A preliminary thesis presentation
4. How your studies can relate to the digital and green transition in your home country

You focused too much on your credentials. The motivation lost relevance in terms of the other information requirements that could further prove your motivation to the scholarship committee. Include the motivations that relate to the aforementioned subjects as well. Yes, you will have to revise the full essay.

Graduate / The Business Analytics Program - Why is MSBA program the next logical step for you? [2]

The information you have presented for your application is strong in terms of content but tends to be bogged down by over explanations and a need for better content clarity. If you review your essay, you should find that there are certain paragraphs that could be merged in terms of content and other sections that could be deleted to help move the essay forward using lesser words. over explaining does not always help an application essay because the reviewers do not have the time to read such long statements. They prefer that the applicant focus each sentence and paragraph on a central message or quick explanation. It is not necessary to meet the maximum word count. What is important is that you meet at least 250 words in a 500 word essay. So providing shorter explanations would be beneficial to your application essay.

Writing Feedback / Gap in progression Common App prompt (250 words) [3]

Since you mentioned that you took a gap year because you were not accepted into your first choice university, you should provide information that explains why you did not opt to attend your second choice university. What drove you to take a gap year when you could have attended a different university during the interim? Most of the reviewers will see your acceptance into the 2nd university as a foundation for your future move to your first university choice. It is important that you explain that aspect before you move on to the narration of how you spent your gap year. It will allow the reviewer to better understand what drove your choice to take a gap year instead.

Scholarship / how to overcome stress with NLP method. an essay for stipendium hungaricum [3]

Are you applying for the program as an undergraduate or as a masters student? Your essay does not make your student category clear. It should be made clearer to the reviewer as this will affect his assessment of your motivational letter.

The information contained is not very effective in the sense of delivering your motivation for studying in Hungary. It is too simplistic in presentation and does not refer to any unique or notable qualities that you may have as a student. Simply being an active tutor in your community is not enough of a credential for this scholarship program. You have to consider far more than that.

I believe it would be best for you to write a totally new essay that better delivers the motivation for your desire to study this course, the reason for wishing to study in Hungary, and why you chose the university. These must be reflective of your academic goals and considerations which would have motivated your decision to apply for the scholarship.

Scholarship / Paraguay - Global Markets and Local Creativities [2]

Your credentials are very strong. The fact that you have work experience with Erasmus Mundus definitely adds a significant number of pros for your application. Everything about your essay shows that you are going to be a professional asset to the program. However, your experiences cannot mask the lack of future proofing of your motivation. Why do you want to become a consultant? What is the target? It has to be something out of the ordinary that will benefit from the experiences that you have mentioned. Try to come up with a stronger thesis subject. Make a simple abstract that would highlight how the programs will help you develop this paper. Finally, you need to be more specific about which of your experiences apply to which track. Why you believe that these subjects have best prepared you for each track would help the reviewer understand exactly what it is you plan to do during your time as a student.

Scholarship / Little Oceans - UWC essay [2]

Reviewers actually prefer that the applicants write from a point of view that shows a personal insight. So writing about the ocean and connecting it to your friend's funeral works very well with what they are looking for. I actually found this essay quite interesting. An eye opener if you will. I never thought of a family or the strength that a family shows during times of distress as being something that could be compared to the ocean. That was, I believe, a stroke of genius on your part. That analogy is unique. I have never read a UWC essay that actually approached this prompt from that angle. I believe it will make a mark in the reviewer's mind. It stands a good chance of standing out.

Scholarship / Social, environmental, and economic changes - Motivation Letter for Stipendium Hungaricum [2]

Your passion and motivation should be one that encourages you to think outside of the box. Rather than relying on the promotion of existing programs and applications, your motivation should be fueled by your desire to do something unique in the future. It should be something that you hope will become a reality based upon your prior learning and your future learning experiences in Hungary. It should not be static and reliant on existing government programs. The reviewers are looking for people who are imaginative. Whose ideas can shape the future of world economies through the development or improvement of existing programs. How do you see yourself contributing to one or both of those ideas? I believe that by showing a different path towards changes in the field, you will be able to impress the reviewer even more.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay about Life Challenges&Backpacking [2]

Backpacking does not have anything to do with the life challenges you faced. Neither does it provide the actual epiphany and realization that you needed for the various topics that you presented. Yes, it makes for a nice story backdrop, but nothing more. The focus of the discussion should be on a specific, single obstacle that you faced at a particular moment in your life, that almost destroyed you as a person. Think about how you recovered that that life changing event. What did you learn from the event and the eventual solution that was provided? Do not focus on too many topics and then try to create a concise explanation that should apply to all of it. That does not particularly show how you managed to handle and solve the challenge that was set before you. There is no one size fits all solution for this essay prompt.

Undergraduate / Determination and effort - Personal Statement Essay/ GKS-U scholarship [2]


The instructions for writing this essay indicate that you must use either full Hangul or full English for the personal statement presentation. You cannot use Konglish for this presentation. So remove the Korean characters from that sentence. In fact, you can remove that whole quotation from the presentation because it does not really make any sense standing alone. It does not help to move the essay forward, nor does it add any vital information to the narration.


Provide this information in your language study plan instead. The experience provided is best suited for the pre-arrival in Korea presentation.

It is also important that you create a more eye friendly, reading conducive presentation format for the information. Edit the presentation into connecting paragraphs to make it easier for the reviewer to skim through the information you have included in the essay.

Writing Feedback / The table below shows the number of visitors in the UK and their average spending from 2003 to 2008. [2]

Refrain from mentioning the position of the image on the page. It is advisable not to do so because the image will not be shared with the reader. The assumption is always that the reader does not have access to the image and therefore, requires you to provide an imaginative summary of the report information. The trending statement should indicate the high and low figures of the provided report as well. It should not be a tremendously vague reference that will not help the reader understand the upcoming information in the explanation / reporting paragraphs.


You cannot make statements of fact or finality in this presentation because you are only to report on the provided information, leaving any decisions or final observations for the reader to make.

You made a few mistakes in the presentation because you tried too hard to be authoritative, coming to conclusions that were not necessary. Therefore, the essay will get a marked score-down in those instances.

Scholarship / Avid Evil - UWC application [3]

The response is not impactful at all even though the topic of diversity is a well known and highly discussed topic. Maybe because the topic does not have an impact that could have resulted in an impactful outcome for you or the other people in the situation. The lesson is too simplistic. Yes, it deals with an aspect of character development on your part but, the situation is not one that required you to learn from others either through shared experiences or a marked change in your mindset based on the influence of others upon you. The solution is not one that forced you to face up to something that would alter your mindset in a profound way. Perhaps you should consider a topic stronger than reading to deal with the subject of diversity apprehension on your part?

Letters / a motivation letter for applying master degree at university being a data analyst [2]

The information provided in the motivation letter is not as strong as it could be. It is in fact, quite weak because the summarized information does not highlight any formidable aspects of your academic and professional training up to the present. While I understand that the academic training would be highly similar for the students from your major, regardless of the university one graduated from, the professional training is what will set you apart from the other applicants. You need to have outstanding leadership and team member qualities cited. There has to be a representation of how you are a motivated team member or leader whose movements bring a high success rate or innovative solutions through the use of data analysis. By doing so, the reviewer will be able to assess your ability to not only complete the course, but also how truly motivated you are to succeed in this field.

Undergraduate / My Family - What is important to you? And why? UBC Application [2]

Your response is unique in the sense that the importance of family to you is based upon a tragedy, which led to the forming of a surrogate family for you and your brother. It would be better if you could tell the reviewer a little about how your aunt cared for you and your brother rather than just her caring for you. You mentioned your brother early on so you need to keep him involved in the narration. Why did you think you would have to raise your brother by yourself? Share a little of the back story so that the reviewer will be more interested in learning about the importance of family to you.

Writing Feedback / airfare reducing, good or not? [2]


There is no way that air fare prices are on the wane. This statement implies that the prices of plane tickets will eventually disappear in totality. This does not indicate a drop in prices in the way that a native English speaker would understand. Your statement is misleading due to incorrect word choices and a lack of proper phrase usage.


This decision indicates a single opinion response, which is the expected response for this essay. You met the requirements for the correct writer's opinion presentation in this case. However, the rest of your discussion shows that you did not properly defend your single opinion response as required. You pursued a comparative opinion discussion format, which runs counter to your previously stated opinion. Therefore, you do not meet the Task Accuracy requirements because you suddenly confused the reader by supporting both sides of the discussion. I am afraid this will be the main reason why your essay will receive non passing score. You should have presented 2 supporting reasons for your single opinion presentation instead to pass this writing task

Undergraduate / A model of a city - Waterloo Computer Science Application - Question #3 [2]

I guess one of the major questions that the reviewer will ask himself after reading this is, "Why did you approach your mom instead of your teacher when this was happening?" It doesn't make sense for you to have told your mom and had her handle the situation, accepting an incomplete grade for the project without trying to resolve the situation on your own. You had 2 options at the time : (1) Talk to your group mates directly regarding their non participation in the project, or (2) you could have gone directly to your teacher to seek his assistance in gaining the group cooperation by supporting you as you encouraged the group to do their part. It would be best for your statement if you address these 2 options which you did not pursue in the revised response.

Undergraduate / volunteering at a summer school - Waterloo AIF - Question #2 [3]

You do not need to provide a history of how you joined the program. You should provide information about what the program is about. You do not need to tell the reviewer that you did not start in a leadership role. Focus on the point of the statement, your role as a leader. You should mention when you became a leader in the program. What year? What grade were you in? Why were you given the leadership role? Provide a more solid response to the result of the changes that you made to the program. Consider the immediate positive outcome as the reviewer is not interested in the future success of the students. You may no longer be involved in the program by then. Keep all information as current as possible.

Undergraduate / Whole Foods Macaron (topic) for "group and its unofficial member" (UChicago Creative Prompt) [2]

I think that the essay can be further improved by looking into what created the batter? Representative of your mom and dad, halfsies that created the batter, think about what quirks and uniqueness they have which were added unto your personality, thus creating a unique tasting, the taste grows on you, type of macaron. Consider what you believe made your batter stand out because of this combination. Everyone knows that the proof of any pastry or food is in the eating but, the ingredients make all the difference in taste and perception as well. So, why not make this a bit more interesting? Bake the macaron instead of just describing it. What is the batter mix? What was the perfect temperature that produced you? How does this temperature make you stand out on the shelf? Consider yourself a fresh pastry instead of a frozen one. That way the self description does not get frozen and boring. Why would people want to purchase this macaron freshly baked?

Letters / Motivation Letter to KTH - Real Estate and Construction Management [2]


Details regarding this competition would help to create a more informative paragraph. Provide the name of the competition, what section you competed in, if it was a team or individual effort (if a team effort, indicate your role), and whether you won (what position) or lost ( why do you believe you lost?)


Why? When, where did you hear, and how long have you known about Sweden's Green Architecture initiative? Why were you impressed by it and why do you think it is applicable to a Vietnamese real estate setting?


Which is?

The essay appears to reflect the serious thought that you have given to your decision to apply for admission at KTH, that is half the battle won. Address the problem areas above and the essay should be usable after.

Undergraduate / A passion for computers - Waterloo Engineer Application - Question #1 [2]

I am not sure about how a passion for computers will translate to your possible achievements as an Electrical Engineering student. However, I believe that the reviewer will set that consideration aside and see the review for what it truly is, a serious self - reflection that focuses on the most common weak point (but never admitted) of students, laziness. So the response is good in reference to that point. There is a lacking piece of information though. Even though you indicated that you developed this passion in Grade 10, you did not follow through on information about how long you have been pursuing this passion since that point in time. Granted that you indicated you became lazy, when did you pick up the interest again? After a year? 2 years? Are you still pursuing that passion today?

Undergraduate / "independent-minded" - UBC Personal Profile help [2]

The essay deviated from the actual focus. The reviewer does not need to know about your family traits in reference to your parents, he wants to get to know the top 3 different character traits that you have in relation to the communities that are being focused upon in the prompt. That is why you need to reference various facets of your personality. This is all about the reviewer coming to understand how you function in various settings and what your character assets are. It is not preferred that you use a collective description and discuss a topic that would be better utilized as a part of your personal statement or some other specific prompt.

Scholarship / Strategic business mind - GLOCAL Erasmus Mundus Application - Personal Statement [2]

Kindly name the NGO that you worked with and also, a few of the brands that you assisted with. Make sure that these can be verified by EM when necessary to prove the authenticity of your claims. It is not a good idea to reference that GLocal did not have any budget at the given time. Never reference that. Delete that reference. It does not come across with a positive impact upon the reader. Replace that reference with something else. The personal statement works well, you just have to be careful with your references sometimes. While the essay does not have any real stand out points, I believe that it will be given the proper consideration that it deserves from the reviewers .

Undergraduate / The Head of Technology - Waterloo Computer Science Application - Question #2 [4]

Your response is over the allowable limit by 17 words. The statement must be edited for content in this case. That is a good thing because the answer you have provided actually requires changes to be made for it to be more prompt adherent. You properly referenced your membership and leadership in a school organization, falling under the community requirement. However, your response in relation to how you led and influence the group, along with the improvements in the community because of your contribution need to be more properly addressed. Your leadership role during the event is not really clear to the reader. How did you function as a leader? The outcome or basis of the activity does not immediately reflect a leadership role and outcome on your part. You also speak of how you have grown as a leader at the end of the statement, when the requirement is that you should be focusing on how the community became better because of your leadership skill. So, I guess it would be better if you address a problem within the community, in relation to the activity you mentioned that would help you respond to the prompt requirements in totality.

Undergraduate / PlayTouchless Project - UBC Admission - Important Activity [2]

The requirement is for an activity that you have listed in the previous section of the requirements. I am not totally sure that you listed this activity as something that you are proud of because it does not read like it fits in this prompt parameters for discussion. The way the instructions are given, it would appear that you should be discussing an activity that had you working with a team. The prompt requires you to discuss teamwork and any cooperation or leadership skills that you may have developed during the process. While the discussion does feature an activity, it seems to have been a solo activity from which you learned mostly about coding and very little to almost none about character development. The activity should reflect both in order to be an effective response to the prompt.

Research Papers / Essay on The Role of Renewable Energy in Climate Change [2]

The research paper contains relevant and up to date information. It is informative for the most part and does its best to represent modern renewable energy trends. However, the way the information is presented tends to be confusing and difficult to follow. That is because the writer is providing the information in a haphazard manner. The presentation jumps from one technology to another when the presentation should be more concise, based upon each energy sector. The presentation should discuss all elements for each type of green energy as a collective whole instead of in separated parts. That way, proper attention can be provided and the information presented is easily connected with the technology being discussed, without the reader having to back read the information so that the connection in the discussion can be made. A revision of the presentation style would greatly benefit this research paper.

Letters / Design and structure - Motivation Letter - Stipendium Hungaricum [2]

The information contained in the essay is not really geared towards a motivation letter. This is more of a personal statement that restates your background and work experiences. A motivational letter is more about thinking forward and how you imagine your career path after graduation. You plan to enter into a business relationship with a friend of yours. What is the motivating factor for this team up? How does studying in Hungary work alongside this vision? Why do you believe that your academic foundation is aligned with a specific university in Hungary? Is your friend applying for the same scholarship? Your essay needs to be revised to slant more towards your undergraduate career motivations instead of your background and relevant experiences. Truth be told, your essay is confusing to read and lacks a proper direction when it comes to meeting the information requirements of this scholarship.

Writing Feedback / Some people say the fashion industry has a bad effect on people's lives. Do you agree?(IELTS WRITING [2]

Please be mindful of the word count for the task 2 essay. The minimum requirement for a passing score consideration is 250 words. Writing less than that, say the 220 words that you wrote in this presentation, will result in an automatic failing score due to word count deduction percentage application. Usually, this means that the essay starts with a failing score, which prevents a passing score consideration overall.

The writer's opinion is also incorrect in terms of presentation, which will lead to a non passing score since the opinion provided is not the required opinion. This is a single opinion, agree or disagree essay. Do you agree or disagree in totality? The writing instruction does not ask for a measured response (To what degree?). Therefore, the preliminary TA score, which is 50% of the overall score, is also a failing one already. There is absolutely no way this sort of presentation will receive a passing score.

Scholarship / Statement of Purpose for the GLOBAL MINDS Erasmus Mundus scholarship in Social and Cultural Psy [3]


The EM admissions committee is not in the habit of rewarding scholarships to individuals based on DEI reasons. Therefore, to open your essay with the assumption that this information will be a deciding factor for your scholarship acceptance is incorrect. While you should not hide who you are, you should not make that the focal point of your admission to the program either. It is best to simply state that later on in the essay in relation to some other, more relevant reason. Your introductory paragraph should focus on giving summarized responses to the guide questions, which you will elaborate on in the next paragraphs of the essay. The reviewer does not have the time to search for the responses to these questions. The faster you respond and the easier it is to spot your responses, the better your chances that the reviewer will be interested in spending more than 2 minutes reading the intro part of your SOP.

Letters / Captivated by numbers - ERASMUS MUNDUS SCHOLARSHIP LETTER OF MOTIVATION [2]

While it is admirable that your father was your role model when it came to the development of your career, that is something that should only be mentioned by an upcoming college freshman. That is not the sort of information that will impress an EM reviewer. Additionally, the reference to a film being the eye opener that you needed to prompt a career change is even less impressive. It would be better to create a more interesting opening presentation by indicating a restlessness that comes from your current career which, although you immensely enjoy, has left you with the realization that there is more to your future career than what this current path offers. A career change based on a future vision is more impressive than a realization that you are in the wrong career.

Letters / motivation letter for master of science by a data analyst with mechatronic bachelor degree [2]

You developed a personal statement rather than a motivational letter. The content of this paper are only an expanded version of your resume in the sense that you discuss your work position inclusive of duties and responsibilities, while providing an overview of your educational background. What the essay is missing is a clear career path or future career vision that will require you to complete masters studies in data science. You skimmed over that possible aspect in the part of the essay where you stated:


This is actually where the motivational considerations start, but you neglected to develop in the essay. You can actually delete this version of the essay, using the above mentioned section to kick off a better and more relevant motivational letter in the next version.