Undergraduate / Duke Application Essay (risk, dilemma) [4]

I had to leave my friends and family, and I knew that tested ties would either be severed or strengthened, but those most important to me would always stay in contact.

This part is unnecessary:
Reflecting on their answer, I understand their choice.

Seeing a fellow student struggle to support her family and numerous siblings through her mother's breast cancer last year truly changed me.

Great sentence: She reminded me through her perseverance and love that responsibility is not only about taking care of yourself and your actions, but also is a duty to others.

How about a dash to help manage this long sentence:
On many nights, I stayed up well into the morning helping classmates work on assignments and understand materials, recommending classes and teachers well fit for an underclassman's interests and personality, listening to friends as they go through emotional trouble -- and only after helping them did I begin my own assignments.

I am not satisfied with minimal requirements, so I poured more effort into developing my ideas. I no longer see high school as solely a step toward college; furthermore, I make use of the resources-teachers, literature, classmates, visiting professors and experts in various fields-to better myself not only as a student, but also as a person.

Well done! This makes you seem very serious and motivated - and well-spoken.

Essays / Listing and Describing activities - using incomplete sentences? [6]

It's always great to call the school! It's great to make a good impression and have them remember your name. As for lists, I think there are also teachers who say that you SHOULD use complete sentences.

Know what? I think you should use complete sentences just to show off. Post your list here, and I'll help if I can. It is good to show mastery of the language...

Undergraduate / why swarthmore essay- Quaker backgroung [9]

A problem I witnessed with Utah's LDS dominance is the community attempts to push the LDS faith onto the non-members.

I see myself at Swarthmore because it has a strong moral background, which will help me pursue a higher education.

I believe that happiness is evident in the students because they are accepting of each other (?)

The range of these courses will allow me to thrive in an atmosphere that no other institute can match.

With that said, I know I can contribute and fit into Swarthmore effectively because of its strong Quaker background, close-knit community, and strong foundations in humanities.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Syracuse Supplement (aspirations + work experience) [9]

My uncle, who is only five years older than I am, was always into hands-on with computers in order to have them operate.

I have always wanted to build my own computer, and as I got older, around the age of 15, my goal of building a computer was complete.

This was when I realized I wanted to become a computer engineer or a computer administrator.

My eyes were opened when an engineer from I.B.M. came to where I work to fix the computers.

Syracuse was one that stood out to me, andmade me eager for more information on its wonderful engineering academics.

This job gave me the opportunity to look at the world as a college student. I was ready to apply for credit cards, get my driver's license and become independent so that I would have an experience of what was ahead of me. Very few students around me had the opportunity to experience this; their parents spoiled most of them. My job gave me the mentality to be around a diverse community to work together and also made me independent.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Piano [15]

I was probably first exposed to Bach while in the womb. My father - a huge advocate of classical music - felt it only appropriate that his two daughters learn to play the piano.

Rather than playing with friends, it was expected that I practice for two hours every day .

With the slamming of my door, all of the anger that resided in my chest was released, and I sobbed.

During that lesson, I learned my first song - "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." I practiced religiously.

Finally, during my sophomore year of high school, I'd had enough.

I really like the last sentence.

:)

Undergraduate / Why Carnegie (economics essay) [9]

Many firms and corporations had to close down, and consequently, many people lost their jobs and even ended their lives in despair.

Suddenly, numerous people I knew lost their jobs and houses. Some had to depend on government aid, which was still not sufficient to sustain their daily lives.

This tragedy lasted more than two years and millions of people suffered.

Among the business leaders, Victor Zarnowitz appeals to me the most. His Theory and History Behind Business Cycles truly inspired me to look forward to following my own path.

Many Korean business leaders had myopic vision and were not prepared for the worst case scenarios.

As a result, it had to shut down and thousands of workers lost their jobs.

Hi! Good essay, and good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / A paragraph from cornell essay (the Cornell Engineering homepage) [3]

During my tour, I learned about the Student Project Group, the Engineering Communications Program, and the Kessler Fellows Program.

From theoretical knowledge to hands on training, from communication skills to marketing strategies, I am ready to take everything in , to process it, and to bring into existence the novel and the miraculous.

The Student Project Group especially interests me, for it is through such programs that the inventive brain gets fed; it is through such programs that the community and the engineering quad come together to display the infinite possibilities in the field of engineering.

wow, you're a very good writer! They'll be lucky to have you.

:)

Undergraduate / Elaborate on one of your activities (a manager of a restaurant) [3]

As a manager of a restaurant, I quickly learned to let go of my bad habits and adapt to what is necessary for the good of the business.

The position has taught me several things, but the most important thing that I've learned is to put your work before your feelings .

Unlike being a cashier in the past, I could no longer care only about the cash register.

I have to watch each employee carefully, do all tasks on time, organize the documents, and be more sociable with the customers.

I think you need to add one more sentence, it seems to leave off without a conclusion.

:)

Undergraduate / Elaborate on one of your activities (sunny day) [7]

It was a sunny day and I was playing my usual position, third base.

Everything seemed normal until the opponent's batter hit a high ball towards me .

The outfield player was too far away, and I screamed: "Got it!!" adjusting my glove and my position.

I knelt down, hearing laughing from our opponents. My face was burning, from the heat of the sun and the sinking feeling in my chest.

After making sure I was fine, the referee gave the signal to continue the game.

There was no need to doubt my ability or myself .

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Village Records/ better to give than to receive/I went to Nashville; 3 NYU Short Answers [4]

I would join Village Records, but I would attempt to make changes and propose new ideas to the students who run the organization.

I feel I could be a great asset to the already successful label with my great organizational skills.

This summer I visited Nashville, D.C., Chicago, and Key West.

In order to prevent water from entering the buildings , my family and I volunteered to sandbag.

just a few minor tweaks...

:)

Undergraduate / Personal Statement, (lunch, active in sports) [3]

That was to become a routine that would continue for weeks, until I became more familiar with those I would soon call my friends.

Ten days before the start of school, I had moved to Mill Valley to live with my father, and I was nervous.

I knew the transition would be tough, but I didn't think it would have as severe an impact as it did.

There was no way I was good enough in the beginning , but after months of practice, coaching and conditioning, I was ready.

The next year, we won league and came in second in our sectional division.

No one should have to deal with a difficult transition alone, especially one as consequential as beginning high school.

My experience has given me a gift - insight that I would lack had I not overcome the obstacles that new students often face.

I don't think it's boring at all, you sound very nice.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Common App essay: Performing [2]

Droplets of sweat are forming on my face, and I can feel the blood rushing through my veins.

Anyone would naturally be nervous at his or her first show, and my friend had pushed me into picking up an instrument and playing it only a month before.

Risks were, well, too risky. Here on stage though, those binds don't exist.

The enthusiastic claps and cheers were enough to tell me I could conquer the impossible.

I like your last sentence!

:)

Undergraduate / Davidson Peer Recommendation [5]

Even with piano lessons, workout classes, organizing and participating in functions as president of the Anchor Club, and tutoring for the National Honor Society, (not to mention a rigorous course load, including five AP classes), she has done a fantastic job of managing her time.

I am curious to see how her penchant for multitasking will impact your college and I believe that Stephanie's undertaking of such a rigorous curriculum now, will more than prepare her for her future course load at Davidson.

I don't think you should mention that she's your girlfriend either!

:)

Undergraduate / 'Internship participation' - NYU short answer: Why did you chose this school? [11]

I chose to construct an individualized major from the Gallatin School because of the flexibility and infinite possibilities. Gallatin will enable me to pursue my interests in both international finance and music administration ...

Hey, is this part necessary? maybe you can cut this: without the requirement of an audition since I do not play an instrument.

My aspiration is to have a profession in band management overseas. I'm mainly interested in the ability this major will give me to participate in various types of internships, especially abroad.

You had better get yourself a guitar! You don't know what you are missing. To play the guitar is profound meditation! :) For this essay, it is efficient and well-written. I changed "allowed" to "enabled"... people always use "allowed when they mean "enabled." No big errors, though!

Undergraduate / My Seventh Continent. Commonapp essay showing that I am suicidal? [10]

Hey, your screen name is great. Is it a twisted derivation of "Jessica?"

You can write about a movie with deep subject matter like this. You can even write about how you could relate to it, but do it in a way that shows that you are very clear-headed. You know, a famous author names Eckhart Tolle writes in the intro to his book The Power of Now about how he felt suicidle at one time. If you go to a bookstore and read that intro story, it might help you see how to fix your essay so that you will sound very clear-headed. That book might change your life, too!

You can also post your essay here, and we will tell you if it seems to have been written by a clear-headed person. :)

Undergraduate / MACAULAY ESSAY - a dish that holds a strong associative power for you [5]

Perfect! You are brilliant. You did a great job with this, and it shows you to be serious and thoughtful. The fact that the food is linked to good report cards makes it perfect for this essay. Please check out the essay forum Contributor Page (link at the bottom of the screen).

I smelled the sugary sensation that made my mouth water, my heart race, and my pace quicken. Upon my arrival in the kitchen, I was greeted with a bowl of kheer.

My mom taught me how to make kheer that day, and ever since then, I have made it every Eid. What is Eid?

Undergraduate / An Iffy Topic (the true art of music) [4]

I observed hundreds of musicians who lined the stage in preparation for the ninety-minute performance of Gustav Mahler's Second Symphony, and was suddenly awestruck by the true art of music.

Little did I know, this work would have a profound impact on how I viewed music, and would also mold me into the person that I am today.

I was introduced to the works of Gustav Mahler and to classical music in general, quite unexpectedly.

My parents began sending me to formal piano lessons at the age of eleven, but it was not until I began studying under a college music professor that I became acquainted with the classical musical genre.

Undergraduate / MIT short answer-feedback? opinions? [2]

Environmental Engineering is to me the most attractive MIT program.

My AP Environmental Science teacher has revealed to me the serious danger that humans have put themselves into by ignoring or putting off sustainability problems.

Because MIT is always working to solve difficult real-world problems, I believe there is no better learning facility for someone looking to stop the procrastination.

Video games are fine, and what you wrote, says a lot about your unique character!

Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Writing to improve my essay - New Year resolution [4]

I have lived in Canada for seven years; my English level is still below average. I am confident that I'll be able to improve it.

It maybe related to either life or knowledge of life ,the topic perhaps is " i got a lesson from somebody"; for knowledge , the topic may be " how did i overcome the problem?".

Due to the fact that I applied late, right now I don't know the exact courses yet.

The third is to make my writing effective. I will apply account in essay forum, to let them correct my article.

:)

Undergraduate / My why essays [3]

Without a doubt, Stanford University has everything a dream school is expected to possess; top academic programs in various areas from business to natural science, alumnus as Nobel Prize winners, perfect location with golden sunshine, and the most curious, creative, passionate, confident, as well as intelligent future leaders.

Thus, I yearn to acquire the knowledge, develop the skills, strengthen the will, and befriend people with the same aspiration, in Stanford to fulfill my ambition.

Another feature of Stanford University that especially attracts me is its Practical Education. Stanford's education is based on industry, on the needsof society , and with this philosophy, Stanford provides its students with numerous opportunities to apply their knowledge into practice, which not only deepens their understanding of the text, but also better prepares students for their future careers.

--------------

New York City was the first thing that stirred up my fascination with Columbia University.

After research, I realized that it is not the location itself that is most appealing, but the way it cultivates Columbians' aspirations and widens their views.

In the leading metropolis of the world, Columbian students are able to closely feel the society's developmental trends, which nurtures a critical mind, a sense of responsibility, as well as an inclination to head the world.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / THIS IS MY ESSAY FOR UIUC,I THINK IT REALLY NEED ENHANCEMENT [4]

Mathematics is one of my favorite subjects , it's interesting and helpful.

Deductions and calculations can improve my logic capability, dialectical capability and abstract capability, learning mathematics to become a more rigorous thinker.

My professional goal is to become a financier.

My mother is a registered accountant and every day she must face a mound of data and analise this data in order to make it precise .

She often told me that if I want to be an excellent financier,the preliminary is that I mustbe interested in mathematics and master it.

Francis Bacon said mathematics makes people thorough.

An outstanding financier must be thorough, if a financier lacks this quality, he or she must not be right for the job .

Mathematics is good training for the mind, so my interest in mathematics actually made me a meticulous person.

A mound of economic data become the specific financial data crux is to establish preferably mathematical models.

This is how mathematics apply in finance. So, having proficient mathematical skills is important to the study of finance.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Woman who has taught me how to navigate my world - influential person in my life.. [12]

She is the kind of person who has the strength of mountains, a kind of mother who has endless love and a kind of friend who has been unwavering throughout my life.

Within months of my father's death, my mother decided to leave Korea for the United States, sacrificing her life and the comfort of home to seek greater education and social opportunities for her children.

I have had multiple bad days but I gave my best, especially on those days.

Amidst difficult odds, I knew I could always go to my mother for comfort, advice, and support.

She did not yell, only encouraged me to see the world in a positive light.

For the past two years, I visited Vanderbilt Nursing Home during Christmas time.

wow, nice essay and nice tribute to your mom!

:)

Undergraduate / Wesleyan "How to contribute to the country" [6]

From the web site, I saw that a full and systematic sociology course includes introduction, sociology analysis, gender and development, and other social politics.

Now though, as one of the most economically and politically powerful countries in the world, China is encountering more and more problems that have never occurred before.

There will certainly be more and more people studying sociology so as to make contributions to their home countries.

For me, I have been trying really hard, and I have never regretted it .

good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Cornell: why hospitality management? [4]

I am pretty sure that I have fallen in love with this feeling since my fourth grade in elementary school -the feeling of wearing a headset and carrying a notepad, busily walking around assigning others tasks backstage , when all of us were focused on preparing a great New Year's Eve Show for the school.

I could even remember my look that day: I was wearing a pink overcoat, blue jeans and a pair of little brown boots, with sweat shining on my face, even though it was winter.

The reason that day was so vivid to me is that my heart was filled with happiness and satisfaction because I had the chance to do something that I actually loved.

After the curtain call, we could see many audience members standing up and applauding us.

Forty people could form a big team on a stage and it was obviously tough to manage.

Now, I could feel the confidence inside my heart. Admittedly, I would not have been the same without this dance -the fruit of contemplation, cooperation and hard work.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Upenn "Your interest..." (business) [4]

I have paid special attention to international affairs while in high school, and I have always wanted to conduct a systematic and professional study of the subject.

Also, as math has been one of my best subjects, I have become interested in business and have a strong desire to take part in the business activities, especially those correlated with international affairs, by applying professional knowledge.

Huntsman Program offers great opportunities by combining my two most interested areas into one program.

When I visited the school's web site, the first photo that came into sight was the one with students kayaking;the serious expressions on their faces show that they are dedicated and focused.

I see Upenn from very different perspectives and each of them gives me new ideas about its distinctive characteristics.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Common App Personal Essay ("calculus problem") [6]

Yes, my first and only exposure to trigonometry before I took calculus I at a summer university program, was a two-hour screeching session (?) provided by my sister.

I quickly flipped through the pages of the book and recognized one-third of the materials it contained.

This did not satisfy me, however.Right after reaching this realization, I changed my class to Calculus I, an action many deemed "crazy".

The two nights that I had to study before the quiz, did not prove to be adequate for that problem.

:)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / UPenn- Describe the courses of study and the unique characteristics [3]

What makes the Wharton School special, is how the undergraduate program combines liberal arts with business, and theory with practical knowledge.

Only a person with broad knowledge of various fields is able to think outside the box, because he knows and comprehends the world.

Combining the teaching of the underlying technicalities, patterns and methodologies with the teaching of the ability to think beyond the norm in approaching problems, the Wharton School puts its students into a position in which they can create something brand new. A position in which they can change the world.

Aside from enriching myself academically, because the university is so well organized in groups and different events, I would also wind up with people who have the same interests in other areas, such as literature and music.

Attending a university that understands this fact and constructs its education on it would advance me in a very profound way.

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / CommonApp Short Answer (Yearbook) [6]

As the chair of the school's yearbook committee, I had to worry about whether we would be able to produce the final yearbook in four months without the help of the school's publication manager.

...

Everybody had their strengths and weaknesses, so I assigned to members the responsibilities that best suited their strengths.

After all the hard work with the twelve members of the committee, we were celebrated as the creators of "one of the best yearbooks in school history."

Undergraduate / My last two summers, including jobs - essay [4]

Even in the summer, I don't like to wake up after 7:00. Don't get me wrong: I realize that relaxation is summer's primary function, and I get plenty of sleep, but summers for me are more than just a time to relax; they are also times for challenging myself and developing new approaches. One extreme example occurred two summers ago: I attempted to abstain from eating sugar for a month, primarily to see if I could do it.

...

Below, the first sentence is unnecessary
Over the last two summers, I have kept myself plenty busy. In my rising junior summer, I spent my time volunteering at a local church's vacation bible school, and I also became a member of the Florida Youth Leader bowling board, a commitment that entails working as a team to help organize and staff statewide tournaments.

Great! You are well-spoken. You would do well to go through this essay and list every idea in it. Then, try organizing them in different ways to see which presentation is best. It is a great essay already, though!

Undergraduate / 'Languages and my way to America' - CommonApp essay - my life of diversity [3]

When we look back into our youth, what are our most significant recollections? What subtle memories lurk behind the more influential ones? We may recall humorous little anecdotes or climactic, emotional experiences. We retain noteworthy events in our lives that have influenced or permanently altered our behavior or beliefs . In the past seventeen eventful years, the primary reoccurring trend has been change. My personality has continuously adapted to every new twist and turn that has confronted me. However, what has remained intact through all of these changes are my goofy sense of humor and casual approach to life. Many friends have asked me if any specific or life-altering memories or stories exist that I still reminisce about:

I remember hearing several stories ...

I was on my way to America, the greatest country in the world. I was moving to Jersey City, a few miles from the alleged greatest city in the world (New York City), where every relative on my mother's side of the family lived.

...

I talked constantly to them -- even during quizzes and spelling tests. My mom was called several times to school because the teacher became furious at my "inappropriate behavior."

What I have not faced is what is important: I am only 17 years old, and I have never had a close friend or family member pass away. I have never experienced an emotional divorce in a relationship. I have suffered only minor athletic injuries. I cannot sew. I cannot cook. I cannot swim. I cannot hunt or start a fire.

Wow, this is very interesting1 I think you an cut out the story about god tossing the burnt people into africa, undercooked into europe and asia, and so forth. You can simply explain how you came to embrace other cultures...

Now, at the end, you need to connect the whole story to the school to which you are applying -- change it so that it is tailored to each school to which you send this essay. Cut out some of the stories and unnecessary sentences, and focus on one meaningful principle that the essay represents. Good luck!!!

Undergraduate / Grinnell Supplement Essays help [6]

One of our school students went to Grinnell College few years ago. I heard him tell stories of his meaningful and inspirational times, academic achievements, and successes as a Grinnell student . I researched Grinnell College, and I was impressed not only by its experienced faculties (90% of whom possess a doctorate or the terminal degree in their fields), but also the environment it provides. Grinnell offers students a perfect place to pursue their dreams while taking advantages of a setting that is away from the big city, which might cause many disturbances to students. and now add one more powerful sentence to sum it all up, instead of ending abruptly.

My only real criticism for you is that you are too critical of yourself! The essay is not too bad and your writing will continue to improve at Grinnell!

:)

Graduate / Review my SOP-MFA (my peaceful journey) [4]

It certainly is unique and interesting. If you can say more with fewer words and make it shorter it will be more powerful, but that is true for all writing -- not just your essay.

Every time you revise it, it will improve! I think the essay is okay other than those errors, but sometimes I miss things!!! Have people check it over carefully in real life as well as EssayForum.

:)

kevin

Undergraduate / 'journalism student found me' - this to 150 words----Greatest Accomplishment [5]

I have won many awards, but my greatest accomplishment is my Glaucoma Awareness project, which led me to an appearance on local television in the ninth grade.

Cool!!

I spoke to my Interact Club sponsor and inquired about whether it was possible to distribute flyers that contained information about the disease to every teacher in the school.

...

Later, a journalism student found me and asked whether I would like appear on the school's Friday-morning show. I agreed.

Nope, I think you did indeed answer the prompt in a direct manner. Now you can improve it by telling how this accomplishment relates to your plans for the future -- your future as a student at this college to which you are applying, and then as a professional later in life.

Undergraduate / short essay of Michiagan : social or cultural difference [2]

In the summer of junior 2, I went to Australia as an exchange student for two weeks. I lived in the host family, the members of which were very friendly to me, and I quickly felt at home in Australia -- except one thing: I could not bath freely.

"Why?" I asked. He answered seriously: "Water is not expensive. It is very relaxing to bath. I do not care much about money. I just care about water."

Although I lose the pleasure of relaxing in the shower, I am proud of saving water.

Great job!!! This is a cool idea for an essay!

Undergraduate / 'the community is essential in life' - on essay response [4]

For short answers like this, you have to make every sentence count! Let's look at them individually:

I believe that giving back to the community is essential in life.

Helping those who are less fortunate gives me a sense of relief.

I know that I will make a difference in someone's life, and that gives me hope for a better tomorrow.

Every contribution we make, either giving a pat on the back or a helping hand, can change a person's life, and ultimately change the world.

I plan to continue my service to my community during my collegiate career by joining organizations and clubs that provide service to the community.

above, name specific clubs and organizations!

I also have aspirations to implement a non-profit organization or club that will provide assistant and guidance to at risk youths.

Seeing that I want to be a child psychologist I believe that this will perfectly link to my academic program.

With the knowledge I will obtain from my courses, I will be able to understand why some people act out, I can then identify the problem and then find a way to help them improve their actions.

This is well-written! You just need to research the school and say some specific things. Which groups of people do you want to help and how?

Undergraduate / essay for fsu (the freshman basketball team and more) [6]

Here is a way to improve that first sentence:

Throughout my education, I have accomplished many things in addition to learning the mandatory academics subjects.

And the last:

The beauty of this dancing is truly meaningful, because once you have practiced the dance over and over again it becomes and elegant and beautiful form of self-expression.

:)

Undergraduate / Supplement Essay- more about myself (music) [3]

Your family was WRONG to neglect the importance of your flair for music! It might just be the most important thing...

:)

Bad news: This is NOT okay for the prompt about an ACADEMIC experience. Write about a class or book.

Now for the corrections:

My family refused to support my pursuit of music education, because, to them, academics were all that mattered. Music was too important for me to give up, so each week I walked up the Oakland hills alone with a heavy bag full of music on my back and a violin in my arms.

No longer was I the timid little child, able only to dream. I turned my dreams into reality, and I learned to walk boldly across the stage with my instruments.

Wow, this is impressive. Keep up with your music, and incorporate it into your career. I am excited for you!

Undergraduate / 'a devoted athlete' - Trinity College essay- integrity contract [2]

As a distinguished member of my school's community and a devoted athlete, I believe in dependability, responsibility, and honesty. All these characteristics are expressed through my actions on the gridiron, on the track, and in the classroom. My "integrity contract" is based upon the utmost ethical issue : honesty. Honesty brings honor upon myself and enables trust to form between me and others.

...

Football is a team sport that represents being as strong as your weakest player and track is an independent skilled sport.

Furthermore, being able to see oneself improve in school and sports is incredibly rewarding.

And... that is a strong finishing sentence! I humbly agree to my "integrity contract" and abide by all its' standards to try and live a rich and rewarding life.

Nice job!!

Undergraduate / BU supplement essays (engineering and BU) [3]

The work of engineers is what making modern life as we know it possible. Almost everything we use in our daily lives is someway connected to an engineer. Today, engineers work towards developing the things that almost everyone on the planet will use in some way in the future. The challenge of developing these things is what inspires me to become an engineer.

For this paragraph above, can you list a few specific things (i.e. things crated by engineers that help people in the modern world) so that it is not too general?

This next paragraph is GREAT!
Engineers turn ideas into reality. From a young age, I have always been captivated by how things are put together and how things work. I would spend countless hours playing with LEGOs, trying to improve on my previous designs. Each time, I would try to create something better than the one from the day before.

As I got older, my strength in mathematics and science began to show. Because I was good in these subjects, I became more and more interested in my math and science classes. When I began the process of looking into colleges, it became obvious that engineering would be a perfect fit for me.

As a high school student who has not had a chance to take any engineering courses, I do not know which field of engineering I wish to study. However...

---

and why BU
The search for the perfect college can be overwhelming. As I started my search, I was overloaded with information about many colleges located around the country. After months of research and campus visits, I began to sculpt a significantly long list of possible matches for myself. It became apparent that Boston University would be a perfect fit for me. BU's perfect location and reputation for academic excellence are what place it at the top of my college list.

For the rest of this part about "why BU," I think you should mention academic excellence only once and make room to name specific resources and qualities that BU offers -- things that make it your top choice among schools.

Undergraduate / MACAULAY (It is now 2013.) [3]

Thanks pencil, for your great feeedback. Check out the contributos page! The link is at the bottom of the screen.

I did it. I completed my undergraduate degree at The City College, and in doing so I proved to my friends and family that anything is possible. Being the oldest in the family, and therefore the first to graduate from college, I learned that even though some goal may seem impossible to achieve, never give up your dream. If you are determined and passionate, there is nothing standing in your way of achieving that goal except your own self-limitation. ...

Attending Honors College gave me an accurate idea of where I stood, but, even more importantly, it urged me to rise higher.

...

Macaulay Honors College has changed me from a determined girl with a goal into a strong-minded young lady with a future, and I am wholeheartedly thankful for that.

This is pretty great! Can you find room to mention specific programs and resources at the school, so that they will see that you researched the school? Tell how some SPECIFIC resources at the school have changed and empowered you.