Undergraduate / 'political science and Obama's field office' - Cornell- college of arts and sciences [3]

When I was little, I would pride myself on solving math puzzles in a book, and understanding mathematical concepts in the classroom before most of the other students. But as I have grown, my interests have changed and my interest in studying mathematics at a university has diminished. In middle school, I was driven to become an architect, so much so that I decided to attend a six week summer architecture program at Carnegie Mellon University.

I showed up at the office one weekend right before the election, not knowing what to expect. As I walked in, I was greeted by a man and a woman who were running around; organizing pamphlets and telling other people what to do. They quickly tended to me and told me that they needed someone to do "calling sheets".

Although my role in the campaign was minuscule in comparison with the candidate's, I felt that I did something, and that through some higher learning and more political interests I could accomplish great things.

Very cool...I love Obama!!!!

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / 'one's self is through discovery' - EMORY supplement [4]

Reading through countless articles and meticulously researching colleges that would reflect me as an individual, my cursor eventually made its ways to Emory University.

One of the many reasons why life at Emory appeals to me, is the rich cultural and ethnic diversity. I believe this is a vital ingredient at any successful University. This, coupled with the wide array of groups and extracurricular activities present, will help me locate people with similar interests and integrate easily into society. The student faculty ratio of 7:1 is another reason that Emory is particularly a good match for me; it will allow me to gain personalized attention and by working closely with my professors, developing a close bond. The crucial element that transformed my view of Emory into a vision of opportunity was a friend who is a current student at your University. His stories about campus life and the invaluable experience Emory provided him captivated me and largely shaped my decision to apply to your renowned institution.

I like it!

Good luck :)

Kevin

Undergraduate / General essay question - Stories [4]

I agree with mustaa and look forward to seeing how it turns out!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay: personal/local concern and its importance [2]

Sights in India are often quickly associated with street cows, monuments, festivals and modernization, which I do not deny having seen and marveled at during my thirteen years here.

At every stoplight, it is easy to find a feeble child next to a Mercedes begging for a ten-rupee note or even a coin or two. It is also not surprising to find a pool party at a five-star hotel right next to a slum colony with only a wall separating the two places.

Despite the ban on child labor, children are still favored and are pushed further away from education. By being forced to work in deplorable factories, they are exposed not only to diseases but to illiteracy. I believe that this is an issue that must be undertaken immediately, in order to free the children laboring under the sweltering heat at this very moment and to enable them to spend their childhood in classrooms instead, with friends and books rather than magnesium powder used in firecrackers.

This local concern is indeed important to me as I have had the opportunity to interact with them through the Reach Out Program, where I have seen these children happy, despite their underprivileged lives - happy playing with friends, being with family and helping neighbors. I have gained respect for them, for they have shown me that true satisfaction arrives from within and happiness has very little to do with money. Whenever I meet them during Reach Out, a service initiative that educates and entertains these children, I find them happy, smiling and excited to be on our school campus. I am fortunate to have learned this lesson from these children from a wholly different socio-economic culture.

Wow, powerful subject, good essay.

:)

Undergraduate / 'Love for sciences and environmental studies' - Johns Hopkins Essay [3]

Awesome, I like you already! I' sure the admissions person will, too. The first paragraph is especially cool. Here is a part that is not quite right:

Through a major in Biology, I want to enter this realm and be able to choose the path I want to take.

In order to fix that, make it more specific. Even if you are not sure what you will use the bio major for, assert to them that you intend to use it as a stepping stone toward a few other specific possible careers (Medicine? Research?).

This ability to choose whatever path I want to take is what draws me to major in biology, the subject that opens doors to opportunity in all my areas of interest...

God luck, From reading your ideas, I think you have a promising future!

Undergraduate / Rice Supplement- Cultural Essay [5]

You can cut out SOME of that 3rd paragraph to shorten it, but it is the 2nd paragraph that is out of step with the essay:

That part above will be great to use in some future essay. For this essay, keep it focused on "Living in a new country where I did not know any of its spoken language..." and the discipline you used to prevail.

:)

Undergraduate / Common App essay - Uniquely "Un-Asian" [5]

Yes, change it to Malaysian, so it is more specific and descriptive. Words and phrases are like employees; the really good ones can multi-task, attend to detail, and strengthen your whole business.

Separate the two halves of a compound sentence with a comma:

I am far too liberal in my thoughts, an d I am proud to have no emotional attachment to my culture because it is backward, overly constrictive, traditional and leads to a deeply unsatisfying lifestyle. I think I am far superior to others because of all this, at least, that's what so many people have come to assume about me. (what do you mean? They think you believe yourself to be superior?)

Sentence fragment here:

In a completely alien surrounding, where nothing belongs to you and everything belongs to the earth, I owned nothing. All I could claim to myself was the thin layer of salt water caught between my skin and the exposure suit.

I understand why you fall in love with your sentences. I don't like to edit my work down either! Stephen King calls it having to "kill your darlings." you write very well.

Undergraduate / 'earthquake-hit areas' - Sarah Lawrence essay about changes [4]

"You're going to study abroad? What's your major?" I knew my answer. To say, "It's undecided," was thought to be irresponsible and ignorant; and I had struggled between majors leading to good-paid jobs and majors of my interest.

Instead of getting frustrated by the slow progress, I savored every advancing step -- and the feeling of exhilaration when I came upon something similar between different languages.

(This needs an intro section to segue into the mention of earthquake-stricken areas, etc.) My experiences in the earthquake-hit areas and my inability to relieve the peoples' suffering gave me second thoughts on my future plans. ...

In my self-taught SAT U.S. history preparation, without teacher's notes to direct me about which lessons were of most importance for the test, I tried to understand how different historical aspects relate to each other. It was a complex but rewarding experience: I started to question ideas and think about concepts I had not previously considered.

Awesome, congratulations for your accomplishment! Good luck with this,

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'Ambiguity ' - University of Virginia (favorite word) [2]

Ambiguity seems to bother some, and this is understandable .

The ambiguous nature of literature also enables me to make wrong assumptions and generalizations, as I have often and still often make, and learn from them.

This is great! You should read about how Milton Erickson, the father of clinical hypnosis, used ambiguity to elicit a response in the listener's mind -- rather than making statements outright. Ambiguity is, for you, an empty space to be filled by something. Something arises in the mind to fill in blanks left by persuasive speakers!

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Response(Activity-Cambodia trip) [2]

A little more than a year ago, I was a part of a trip to Cambodia. To contribute to their society, we built houses for the many who were in need of decent shelters. In the process of the construction of these nine houses, I had the opportunity to interact with the people of the village, whom I found to be fascinating and impacting. As a girl from the cities, to see the place where they dwell came initially as a shock, as it was hard for me to imagine living in such extreme conditions. Through my interactions with them, however , I found myself envious of their joy in the simplest gifts I often took for granted and realized the immense value of the educational opportunity that I had been given. This trip's and the people's contribution to my growth as a student is something I would never forget.

:)

Good luck to you!!

Undergraduate / Experience which has influence on me ("This language is math") [7]

I liked math since I was in elementary school. I attended many math tutorship classes and math contests, because I savored the magic and creation of math. However, I find most math questions are calculations on numerical or cubical values; so, why so many people are still fascinated about it? Add one more sentence to tell what the essay will be about...

Since I entered senior high school, I have had more access to math and learn how to establish math models.

This language is math. Thus, I know the value of math.

Great, thoughtful essay! Still, with more editing, you can make it much better. Try to get friends to read it with you. Also, respond to other people's essays and ask them to respond you yours, here. That way, it will become even more brilliant!

Writing Feedback / Academic Interest (I like math, physics and economics) [3]

During my studies, I try to link what I learned from books to the problems in real life.

How about italics for the internal dialogue? Like this:

Then I gradually found the global financial crisis exert negative influence on all walks of life, and Chinese enterprises were no exception. Some new questions fell into my mind: What kind of enterprise can survive such a fierce competition? How to rescue the declining enterprise during such a depression ear?

If you want to know the enterprise and do a successful business...

And for this last paragraph, perhaps you can include mention of the great, unique resources provided by the school to which you are applying:
I intend to study math for one year and then transfer to the industrial engineering. After graduation, I can enter enterprises and engage in management. With my great efforts, I am sure I will be a successful industrial engineer.

Great job!! Good luck in your education and career.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Topic of your Choice (My passion for public speaking?) [2]

Well, the first part of that last paragraph is good... but you can conclude with mention of how your education at this school will empower you to use your rhetorical skill in a meaningful career.

I found ne errors in your writing, but I'll help with this difficult part:

From my Student Council Gr. 11 Rep. Election speech I collected sentences such as, "There's a Wenbo, if you look inside your heart, and you'll never be afraid of what you are..." (modified from the song "Hero" by Mariah Carey) and my slogan: "Vote for Wenbo, and you will win with Wenbo!" From my speech on the issue of environment in United Nations Speech Competition, I recorded, "To create or to destroy, that is the question." From the Vice President Election, I added sentences such as, "Behind every successful man, there's a great wife; behind every successful Student Council President, there's a Wenbo," and, "Let me be your VP and I will make you my VIP" to my collection.

These are clever! Good job; the reason you are not afraid to speak in front of an audience is that you have excellent mastery over language.

Undergraduate / Common app essay: Topic of your choice ("a flower vase") [7]

Here's an example of how to remove stuff that, although it may be meaningful to you, is not important to the reader and therefore weakens the essay:

Every single interaction with them was an opportunity for me to understand a new perspective and discover a little more about myself. I found myself experiencing a different emotion each time; I could be nervous on the first day, drained by the end of it, yet looking forward to the next -- and I could be rewarded by an ongoing sense of satisfaction. As I realized my interest in this field almost immediately, I was inspired by the thought of pursuing something I enjoyed as a career. "A child psychologist," I had told my parents, "I want to work with special children - children with special needs."

:)

Thanks!!

Kevin

Undergraduate / Common app essay (topic of your choice) - Fly high [2]

The mention of the book is fine!! If you talked about it any more than you did, it would be too much, but you did great.

Since I was young, I loved art and dreamed about becoming an artist .

However, my circumstances did not allow me to pursue that interest.

At this moment, I am standing in front of my future and saying, "I want to fly more than anything in the world."

This is great, the way you go back to the flying theme. I love it! Hey, stop capitalizing unnecessary words, though! "Art" and "artist" and "architecture" need no capitals.

:)

Undergraduate / uva - work of math that has challenged me [8]

In Dan Brown's The Da Vinci Code, he reminds us that all these entities are linked by the golden ratio - a mathematical constant that has intrigued many, including myself.

That golden ratio was studied even in the days of Pythagoras, so you should not make it sound like Dan Brown came up with it...

I really like the theme, here. Good job! You are very thoughtful...

Undergraduate / Music is my way of life, my soul and my community. Rice... why this college? [8]

Honestly, however, piano and music are more than the lessons and family traditions.

Once, my piano instructor said, "If you want a profession easier than that of a musician, go be a brain surgeon." Of course she said that with good humor, but never had I realized the truth that hung in-between her words.

VERY GOOD! This essay has a bit of wisdom to accompany an answer for the prompt.

Undergraduate / Middlebury College Essay ~ on Christmas Eve lol [5]

Dongying, a splendid little city in north-western China, is the place I resided in for almost fourteen years from birth. Dongying is a city that flourished on the crude oil that swelled below its earth.

Aside from the smell, I could recall the little "magic tricks" my mother used to perform with her flasks and bottled chemical solutions.

I LOVE this part: She could conjure up milky smoke out of an empty bottle; she could make liquids solidify in a split second; she could set my homework on fire and then show me that it was still intact after the flame had ceased; she could... well you get idea. She was magical!

Next year, I intend to become involved with an institution where I will get to know my professors and make a lot of sustaining friendships. I have a feeling that Middlebury College is the place to be.

Lastly, I have just one question to ask, does Middlebury College offer dorm rooms with kitchens? I cook Chinese food -- and, you know, somethings never change.

This is clever, and GREAT!!

Undergraduate / Listening to calm, soothing music; MIT short answer/ What I do for pleasure [4]

Oh1 surfsandiego took all the good corrections before I could get to them! here is an idea, though:

The most important ways in which music benefits me is to give me inspiration.

You could replace the last sentences with a meaningful idea about adding rhythm to your life, or living with rhythm... or the music that comes from within you, which you will bring with you to this school.

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay; enable me to try the impossible - dream of being a pharmacist [2]

I have dreamed of becoming a pharmacist or pharmaceutical researcher since my freshman year. The dream seemed like a perfect match with my propensity for chemistry. At the same time, I want to be someone who can help others around the world by providing them with proper medicines. I believe that I can achieve my dream by starting at Cornell College of Arts and Sciences.

Yes, the tense change is okay, especially if you start a new paragraph:

I have learned that Cornell University has one of the best science programs in the nation with outstanding professors. Programs such as the Undergraduate Research and the honors courses, as well as the possibility of double majoring will continuously motivate me to strive toward my goal. Through the research, I will learn to apply the abstract sciences to the real world, and through the honors courses, I will gain the knowledge that will become the fundamentals for my dream. The curricula and the experience at College of Arts and Sciences will expand my horizon and enable me to try the impossible and to achieve my dream.

Yes, that second tense change is okay, too. And for a stronger ending, say something profound and meaningful about how you will use this great education you are about to recieve. Then, go back and mention that same point at the END OF THE FIRST PARAGRAPH. That way, the end of each paragraph will emphasize the great use you have for your Cornell education.

Undergraduate / Princeton supplement (a favorite quotation from an essay or book) [4]

Nope! You can't say "What the hell?" :) Just start with:

Why did my classmate get an A+ on his project while I only got a B? I thought, feeling that had been robbed. Before my new teacher could answer the question, I showed him the base of the paper prism. The name on the base of the prism was the only difference between our projects. My classmate had stolen my project and written his name over my own. I have heard of cheaters getting the same grade as the person they cheated off of, but a whole letter grade better? It was the same project. The teacher only started last week, so it is not like he had favorites. I was no able to come up with a logical explanation for this anomaly.

Undergraduate / "Do you feel like you are part of the local community?" u of michigan [3]

Okay, this is about your process of becoming involved in the community, etc., and it is not about an issue (i.e. and what you think should be done about it.)

you need to save the first two paragraphs for a future project and start over from here:

It was during my second year in (---) that I discovered that part of me that wanted to take an active role in the community. I was taking a break during a regular community conference when I had a conversation with Mr. Lee. Like many older recent immigrants, Mr. Lee had limited English skills. What people did not know about Mr. Lee was that he used to be a chemical engineer in China. When he moved to Seattle two years ago, he had found himself a relatively low-skilled job because his qualifications or experiences were not acknowledged in the United States. He told me about the misconceptions that people had about the older recent immigrants: that they are non-educated and ignorant. However, he was always aware of the high crime rates and air pollution problems that existed in the International District neighborhood. The reason he hesitated to discuss solutions to these issues was because he could not find a place where his opinions could be accurately represented. Then he looked at me with a smile and said, "Well, this is a small local conference, but I am very thankful for being here because at least I have a chance to have a say."

This is very good, and you are going to have to expand this to be an essay about that immigration difficulty and injustice... and what should be done to improve the situation. Do not write so much about Mr. Lee. Only write about him to explain the issue, and then go on to express YOUR ideas about what is to be done.

Undergraduate / "With Pressure, the Fruits of Labor Will Taste Even Sweeter" Common App [5]

Well, it shows that you have done a few drafts, because this is very well-written. Now, to cut it down, you need to get in touch with the real message you are trying to convey. After all, if you are writing purposefully, you are trying to convey an idea... and that idea should be able to be summed up even in a single sentence or paragraph.

Eliminate what is unnecessary... even though this material below is good, it does not help to convey the message of the essay as much as the other parts do:

Thanks to my dad, my skills in volleyball were polished to a shine at the age of twelve. It was at that age when my parents, inspired by recommendations, took me to the Sports Performance Volleyball Club, where the program for both boys and girls reigned among the top in the nation. The club's commitment level was high as it demands much time and effort into practices and competitions, and yet I continued to stay for many reasons. My self-refusal to be a quitter, the pride of being in such an elite organization, the continuous flow of great people and friends, and the privilege to participate in many major tournaments are just some of the motivating factors of my perseverance. Unfortunately, joining the club comes with realistic consequences. Besides consuming most of my high school life, the club's insane demand for athleticism and competition was enough to drive many members away. In fact, it almost happened to me once when I was sixteen, at which the Junior Olympic Tournament took place.

Now, just like eliminating the weakest links of a chain,find all the unnecessary sentences, unnecessary adjectives and adverbs, and delete the,! It makes the essay more powerful. Is there a word limit for this?

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement-I want to change the world! [12]

President-elect Obama's vision of purple is unity. My vision of purple is Han. Red signifies my fiery passions and blue represents my ambitions to make the world a better place. Just as red or blue alone cannot make purple, I cannot be who I am with passion or ambition alone.

Now start a new paragraph:

My passion to become a psychologist is largely supported by my ambition to better understand the world of autism.

In short, I want to drench my canvas in purple because purple is who I am; a passionate, ambitious student whose social responsibility to help autistic patients bolsters his lifelong passion to become a psychologist.

Great! I just made a few small changes. You will do very well with this! Try adding a sentence of two to the final sentence. Make it a closing paragraph. I like how you come back to the theme of purple...

One more thing: What does "han" mean?

Undergraduate / Among all majors, I believe engineering helps us enhance our lives; Columbia Short Answers [4]

Being located in the city of New York, Columbia University stands out for the vast diversity of cultures and interests among its faculty and students . Current students are in a multifaceted community, learning the ideas from all over the world. In today's society, working as a team is one of most crucial skills we need to succeed; Columbia provides an opportunity to gain such skill naturally. I want to receive my education attend as a student at this university in which I can understand the various cultures and become well-rounded individual.

Among all majors, I believe that an engineering major is especially useful for empowering me to perform work that helps to enhance our lives. By taking a look around, I see that everything we use is made by engineers: tables, lights, chairs, beds, even the house we live in. I want to spend my life learning the complex way things work and challenging my creativity. The engineers are required to solve the problems in many different situations, developing the flexibility to adapt to where they are, and contrive the innovations. That's the skill I want to gain to make the world a better place.

Nice job! I just made some small adjustments...

Undergraduate / i wrote a Carnegie Mellon undergrad admit Essay...Chemical Engineer. [3]

The past tense of "to cast" is "cast," and not "casted." See: chompchomp.com/rules/irregularrules01.htm

Now, you could improve this by making each paragraph about some distinct idea. I see lots of ideas, which I'll separate from one another below:

The very appellation "Carnegie Mellon University" piqued my curiosity about the institution. It always cast me into another world, a world pervaded by wealth of research information. It was this wealth of information that induced in me a desire to become a proud Carnegie Mellon Tartan.

Now, rearange the ideas above and put them in solid paragraphs, each with a strong topic sentence -- so that you and the reader both know exactly what you are going to talk about with each paragraph...

Undergraduate / 'her parent's divorce was for the best' - Apply Texas [2]

Nice job with this essay, and with being such a good, strong friend.

It should have been me comforting and assuring her, but this was Kim, the sensible one who kept her head straight in a crisis situation constantly looking toward the bright road ahead.

It is just the matter of how you cope with situations and with whom share experiences.

Oops, you can't have a remedy for a soul.. it has to be a little different, for example:

I am one hundred percent sure that Kim will be there for me as I have for her, because friendship is the medicine that expedites the healing of a wounded soul.

Undergraduate / Short Response Essays (Dancehall) [6]

Dancehall, a popular music form in Jamaica, caught my attention because of the great impact it has had on the Jamaican society.

Day in and day out, Jamaican society consumes itself with the lyrics of the dance hall songs of artistes such as Movado, Busy Signal and Vybz Kartel (better known as "Addi di teacher" or the "Crime Minister").

It is for this reason that I strongly discourage people from listening to many dance hall songs and I will continue to do so until the situation improves.

Very interesting response! Now, this attitude goes against the argument that free expression must be protected... so maybe you should address this counter-argument in your essay. Also, maybe you should provide some research evidence to support your argument. Wikipedia is not a strong source to use... and in fact, maybe you can omit the reference to it. Good luck! Try to make it an even stronger argument.

:)

Undergraduate / Track and field; my job; playing hockey - Common APP Question [5]

Hi! What's up with the " " quote marks around the whole thing? Let's take those out.

Also, I had se good ideas for you:

As a nine year resident of New Jersey, I have heard the renowned name "New Jersey Institute of Technology" being discussed since my oldest memories of living here. Many people with whom I grew up with have applied here and attended. Family friends, school friends, and people at social and religious gatherings acknowledge the Institute's opportunities, diverse communities, and an enjoyable environment.

...

I believe that NJIT satisfies my major needs: a track and field program and a fantastic technological (math, science) program.

And at the end, for a concluding sentence, let's not have "furthermore." Just write:

The diverse community, close-to-home and strategical setting, and experienced staff solidify my decision to apply to your fine institution.

Undergraduate / Rice Supplement- Cultural Essay [5]

As I clung to my mom's hand, my eyes modulated left and right searching for a man with curly hair and big rectangular glasses.

Whereas American education reform consists of trying to improve quality by pumping money into school systems, the Japanese system achieves this feat without much financial burden.

Every day students clean the school by themselves.

I think you are right about that 2nd paragraph! It is out of synch with he rest of the essay. The rest of the essay has a theme of overcoming odds through discipline. That 2nd paragraph is good for explaining the backgroung, though.. I challange you to condense that whle paragraph into a single sentence!!

:)

Undergraduate / "Who Am I?" -- Common App Essay [7]

I feared rejection by my classmates, wishing to be among them, to be like them; but only keeping close company with those I believed were my true friends: Judy Blume, Roald Dahl, and Jerri Spinelli. I was the shy reader. I was the introvert, and the introvert was me.

I cited the plot and characters as examples of some of the greatest literary creations of all time.

I almost grabbed the folder from her outstretched hand and tear open in the folder in a frenzy.

This sentence could be replaced with a better one, because to say that you are unique "in [your] own way" is redundant. You can't be unique in any other way!

This essay is supposed to celebrate you and present you in a positive light, so you have to do that in a way that is graceful. You did a great job of using the chronology, and that repeated question, "Who am I?" to keep the reader interested, but now at the end I would suggest that you balance it all off with something that shows humility. You might not need the section about the PSAT scores, because the reader of this will be looking at those scores on your transcript anyway; you might replace that part with something that shows humility, or something that shows an aspiration to help people who are less fortunate than you, as part of who you are.

Consider becomming an Essay Forum Contributor! :) You are a good writer. See the "EF Contributors" link at the bottom of the screen!

Good luck!

Undergraduate / "undecided"Cornell supplement (interests essay) [6]

Wow, you are such a great writer. I like how you went about this. As for the title I always tell people to use a title whenever possible, because it gives you an opportunity to start the reader off on a certain thought. My advice would be to make your title more meaningful somehow -- more provocative of the reader's curiosity.

I think you could use a transition sentence just prior to this one, at the start of the 2nd paragraph:

I cannot pinpoint exactly when my childish incomprehension...

You can introduce this paragraph with a general, profound statement about reaching out to disadvantaged people. Then proceed to, "I cannot pinpoint exactly..."

This is a strong essay!!

Graduate / statement of purpose-development studies [2]

This last sentence... "My interest is to gain the capacity to carry out research and understand the extent to which various factors are affecting people at a grassroots level"... perhaps you should move it to another place in the essay. There are a number of places it would fit better than at the end, here. End with this awesome sentence:

I have no doubt that development studies at Lund University will meet the criteria of intellectual rigor that I have set for myself, for my education, and for those I have promised to serve.

That is a powerful sentence!!

Undergraduate / uva - work of math that has challenged me [8]

Yet, in reality, we know that there's is no such thing as perfection . So there's sort of an irony there. People normally want to achieve perfection, yet we know we can't be perfect. Hmm, I guess that's the challenging part about the golden ratio.

Good idea, kids_jessy!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Why Bates supplement any suggestion and comment is welcomed [4]

The student population of Bates-intellectual, passionate, and friendly-forms an academically challenging environment which helps me meet my academic goal. Besides, the school's small size and a student-faculty ration of 10:1 mean that student/faculty interaction is plentiful, and close friendships are easily formed.

The students from different cultures and traditions study together, forming a friendly and diverse atmosphere, which helps me gain a better and deeper understanding of other cultures. Besides, Bates offers opportunities to study abroad in more than 70 foreign locations and more than two-thirds of students take advantage of them. These opportunities are attractive to me for seeking real-world experience.

I dream of using my knowledge to improve the bad economic conditions of my hometown.

Hope this helps!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Virginia supplement ( the world where I come from) [5]

They usually work 15 or 16 hours a day. What is even worse, the sounding of knocking made by patients often wakes us up after midnight.

That day, I went out with my parents, wondering who was so selfish as to disturb our sleep.

Infected by my parents, I decided to follow their example and struggle for the better living of other people.

I discovered that helping others in trouble can give me pleasure.

LEARNED the meaning...

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / [BYU] What to write in a brief biography? [6]

Awesome, it looks great!
Merry Christmas to you too.:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / FIT Essay - Fashion and Wall Street job [5]

As I write this, I think to myself, "What the heck am I doing? This is crazy, isn't it? Am I really doing this"?

While these experiences helped mold my career, I realized that something was missing.

In college, I altered my own clothes to put my own personal flair on them . My girlfriends always came to me for advice on what to wear and how to make their outfits stand out. I was known for my style, which led me to run for President of Black Womens' weekend, where I put together a fashion show for the school. I had the time of my life and after that experience I knew that the fashion industry was where I belonged.

I must take the steps to make it a reality and the steps I have taken thus far prove that I will do whatever it takes to realize my dream.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / My experience ("never a peaceful moment in my house") [3]

It was then that I began to spend more time practicing piano.

Whenever I watched a melancholy movie, I could feel the pain and suffering.

We reached a compromise, deciding who would play the clashing notes and who would do the pedaling.

I used to be a person who had a fear of losing.

Losing to someone younger than me would make me feel embarrassed. I had participated in a few taekwondo competitions since I joined Taekwondo Club during high school. When I recalled how spirited and determined other opponents were to continue their rounds even though they had sprained their ankles and had bruises all over their legs, I told myself that I would also be able to make it to the end and I did make it. I realized that winning or losing did not matter as long as I was spirited.

Things happen, feelings come along magically and certain events change us. This is what we call life. Life would be monotonous if everything remained the same.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Common essay: Dissection all comments are welcomed :) [5]

A sheer satisfaction indeed, it requires only an acute eye and willingness to imagine. Why waste the opportunity to understand, to discover, and instead kill time senselessly?

Good essay:)

Kevin