Undergraduate / Penn why essay; I want to be a psychologist [5]

Benjamin Franklin has been my childhood hero, and attending Penn remains my dream. As the first American university I ever researched, UPenn never fails to excite me whenever I hear its name.

I hope that, next fall, sitting in the Levy Park, I can proudly greet people by saying , "Hey, my name is Penn, and welcome to the university of me."

Can you find about about the unique resources that the school offers for psych majors, and write about them instead of the city itself? Maybe write about Phili for just one sentence, but focus on the academic offerings...

I do like this one better...

Undergraduate / 'hard work is rewarded' - common app short answer, cross country. [5]

My most meaningful commitment over the past four years has been running on the cross country team .

Write about how running is like a meditation. Write about how you learned to shift into an enhanced state of mind and focus on a goal!

:)

Writing Feedback / "the land of the east and west" - my personal essays [6]

YES! You are right to cut it down. When you write something, just like when you do anything else, keep your specific purpose in mind. Obviously, your purpose here is to make a good impression, and you do that by writing something that is GROUNDED in a theme.

Look at all 21 of these paragraphs, one at a time, and write a word or phrase for each that captures the meaning. Then, get rid of all that is unnecessary/

Sometimes, you need to write a long stream of consciousness piece before cutting it down to the actual essay. See what your underlying theme is, for this whole thing, and cut out much of the unnecessary stuff. you do not need so much description of the boarding school, for example.

Refine it down so that in a single paragraph you can convey the meaning of several of these paragraphs. Call the Admissions Office and ask how long a personal statement should be for their school.

Try to give this a meaningful, unifying theme. Your theme might be that a variety of experiences can give you heightened perspective on education and life.

Undergraduate / Common app essay + short answer (The journey to authentic leaderships) [7]

Oh, I skipped right over the second one, sorry!! Here is a fix:

My team, which had about forty people, established game shows, prepared materials and cooperated with schools to help students acquire a better understanding of how to save the environment and natural resources.

And yes, you should shorten the story if possible. When you make the same points in fewer words, your writing is more powerful. Eliminate all that is unnecessary, trimming it down! Let's see what you come up with!

:)

Undergraduate / 'words on the website' - Brown: Your interest and your reasons for applying [4]

Just one idea:

As I perused Brown's website, I discovered that their program for international studies offered much more than I had imagined.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay - "I had won first place in a Karate competition" [2]

As we pull up to the YMCA auditorium, my hands begin to sweat profusely. My father notices and asks me, "Are you nervous, Ansel?" I quickly nod to indicate my extreme nervousness. In an attempt to comfort me, he holds my hand as we head to the auditorium. As I walk into the auditorium, my heart begins to pound heavily in my chest. I spot my Sensei, who beckons me, and after a quick word with him I feel calmer. After two grueling hours of waiting it is finally time for my first fight. A week ago my dad had entered me in the white and blue belt division for ages 13 and under; it was only on this day that I had realized that I was the only white belt in my division. With the white belt being the lowest belt in our form of Karate and the blue belt succeeding it, the odds are against me. Despite my disadvantage, I am determined to compete against the more experienced.

...

...now it is okay to switch perspectives and write in the past tense, in the last paragraph below.

That day I learnt a valuable life lesson - despite all odds, anything is possible...

Nice job!!

Congratulations on your achievement. I recommend that martial artists learn as much as possible about Qigong from the books written by Yang Jwing Ming!

Undergraduate / NYU short essays - "to join Gallotone Records" [7]

I would like to join Gallotone Records and help extend a new line of albums for charity. The club can work with the handicapped by accepting lyrics, melody, or even vocal contributions from them. The aim would be to produce a series of albums that will feature inspirational songs to instill hope in the handicapped, to prove to people and themselves that they can do something for society, and to build up their self-esteem. After all, there is nothing in the world so much like prayer as music.

Get rid of the word "is" at the end.

The way it would impact the college community is to inspire other acts of charity, raising spirits among students as they see creativity being put to use in order to alleviate suffering.

I would choose "Love Me" (by [band name" the beatles?) . The lyrics of this ballad brims with so much affection that it allows people to momentarily witness true love, which has otherwise almost ceased to exist in reality. Thus, I want to use this song to captivate people's hearts and remind them that love is a commitment. Only with such devotion can we revive warmth in dysfunctional families, and let their children experience familial love that they have once been deprived of.

Awesome, you seem to be someone who really appreciated music! I hope you play the guitar, the coolest of all instruments!!! Your essays are very inspirational.

Undergraduate / Upenn Essay- the academic, social and athletic networks [6]

Wow, that is good advice, too. Well, keep all of that in mind, and proceed with tons of confidence! It is good to choose majors that open up a lot of opportunities for you.

Undergraduate / I chose to go to Kenya for my school trip - Travelling to other countries [12]

Here is one I missed!!

As Confucius once said, "I hear and I forget, I see and I remember, I do and I understand."

Get rid of that comma after "understand."

Now, the essay itself is awesome. It shows a sense of responsibility and positive regard for others. You used a sense of "shame" to show your love for people. I think you don't realize how good it is!!

Undergraduate / Common App: elaborate on 1 of your activities (choir of Crescent Girls) [3]

I was in choir of Crescent Girls' School during grades 9 and 10. I participated in it initially due to my zest and talent for singing. I was in Soprano One which required me to practice the highest notes and sing louder than other sections. Surprised, I also needed to learn other sections' parts so that we would be synchronized. As a result, I always lost my voice after each practice. The training was really time consuming and occupied me nine hours a week. Although I needed to balance my stressful school work and extracurricular activities, I never considered quitting, as each individual was essential to choir, and carried the responsibility to maintain every song's completeness. Choir not only provided me the opportunity to earn awards and applauses, but also taught me the importance of coordination; knowing how to harmonize other people's contributions with my own is essential when working as a team.

Good luck! Also, I agree with the advice from charliesun!

Undergraduate / UC essays - My NSS Story + A GAME TO REMEMBER [3]

Hi I think you can come up with titles that are more meaningful than the ones you have. The titles you chose are not interesting! However, the essays are meaningful!! Give them titles that are worthy of their coolness! :)

"It would be a pure waste of time," I protested.

We were briefed on the activities the team would be focusing on for the rest of the year -- and then we got down to work.

Since junior high, I have wanted to become an engineer, but NSS has added definition to my goal: Now I want to become an engineer whose services will make a difference to the earth and its people.

It did not matter anymore if the opponent was a sixty year old veteran player or a little child (some turned out to be geniuses in disguise).

Wow, chess is impressive to the admissions people, I bet. Especially if sme of them share your appreciation for the game. In fact, especially if the admissions people do not know how to play, this makes you look very smart to them. Either way, good choice!!!!

Undergraduate / Why BU? (the opportunity for the students) [13]

This is some very interesting discussion! Yes, it is true that you should not tell them "what they want to hear." They don't want to hear that. Instead of doing that, you have to figure out what they really want to hear. This is what you would call an inexact science! :)

It comes down to a matter of being genuine. You do sound genuine. Consider applying as a psych major and then changing after a semester if necessary. I am pretty sure it will not make a difference! So, you can do that. That is what I did when I went to college -- I was not totally sure, so I declared a major anyway.

If you do that, or even if you do not do that, you can name some special features of BU's psych program as sme of your reasons for wanting to attend. You can appear totally driven and decisive.

Good luck!!! Your writing style is very good for "keeping it real," and you are also very clear & articulate.

Undergraduate / ECONOMICS, CHINA & ASIA PACIFIC STUDIES; Cornell college of arts and sciences [7]

I want to study economics, but frankly, it is not my favorite subject. I have always appreciated geography much more because I like learning about nature. I take pleasure in gazing at the geographical features around me, and indulging in these peaceful moments that others normally neglect, due to their hectic lifestyles. On the other hand, economics boils everything down to logic and numbers, devoid of life and emotions.

I also intend to pursue another major in China and Asia-Pacific studies, or minor in earth and atmospheric sciences.

I am glad that Cornell encourages this because it will allow me to study what I am most interested in and what is most relevant to our future.

The idea of developing each individual in terms of breadth appeals to me as I feel the need to explore the wealth of knowledge of the world as much as I can.

That is because I feel that when we grow as individuals, we are able to put more things into perspective, better understand how the world works, and appreciate more of what we learn.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Penn why essay; I want to be a psychologist [5]

Due to their psychology department, with a history of over 120 years, Penn has always had a special appeal to me because of the stature of its psychology research.

I strongly agree with this approach, and I hope to devote my life to this promising field.

Because of the similarity between my hometown and Philadelphia, and the fact that my name is Penn, I feel like Penn is a place in which I can completely immerse myself.

I love your last sentence!!

Good luck!
:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Doing research with professors - What is most appealing about Columbia [7]

As I read "The Man Behind Money", a book on Alan Greenspan, I caught a glimpse of the Columbia University in earlier days. Greenspan attended the Columbia University in the late 1940s and during this time, Columbia offered one of the best Economics programs. Similarly, as a girl who aspires to be well-versed in Economics, I find Columbia's Economics program, which focuses on an empirical approach, most appealing. The Economics department of Columbia has a long history of producing prominent economists like Arthur Burns. Consequently, it also has the benefit of experience after being through so many business cycles. I am definitely excited at the prospect of researching with the professors at Columbia.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / NYU Supplements- all 5, help with strenghts/weaknesses [9]

I spent most of my summer vacation worrying about college. I visited several schools; namely the University of Pennsylvania and Boston University. The visits were informative, but they didn't ease any of the anxiety that there is throughout the admissions process. During the summer I also went to Mexico to visit my family. The trip was very relaxing as wehad lots of fun playing board games and reminiscing about things that had happened since we had last gotten together.

I selected the Stern School because of its educational rigor and leadership in the business world.

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / What is your favourite word and why? - Uni of Virginia [15]

I wish I had people like you around me every day!!

:)
Kevin

Scholarship / I've been constantly instilled the idea that one should make use of what he/she has learned. [5]

Though we have adopted a pretty economic and moderate lifestyle, we are still confused by all kinds of bills, services and spending plans, which makes me realized that finance could also be a micro issue that relates to every penny we spend. Scientific instruction and assistance are vigorously needed, not only for my family, but for the whole community.

...and that's basically how I anticipate putting scholarship into action.

:)
Kevin

Undergraduate / common app short (keen on becoming a member of the student body) [5]

It's the reflection that's more important than the details, it's great!

:)

Undergraduate / why do you want to attend pratt? 'my interest in architecture' [3]

I had always thought that one was either good at art or not, naturally; however, my artistic abilities have grown and I have become very interested in art and architecture.

The activities and study abroad programs have heightened my interests as well; in particular, I want to get involved with the architecture programs offered in Rome and Copenhagen. All of these reasons have factored into my decision to apply to Pratt Institute. I am confident that I will fit in perfectly at Pratt. It has the ideal atmosphere for me to pursue my education in architecture.

This is great. I think you'll do well with this essay. There is nothing wrong with it. However, I wonder if you can show something of your uniqueness, something that people love about you, and link that interesting quality to the school somehow. That is just an idea, though. The essay is already very articulate. I just wonder how we could make it more interesting.

Also, I just saw a movie you would like! Have you seen Adam Sandler's movie "Clicker?" It is about an architect.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - Does this tell enough about me? [4]

Tense agreement:

Beads of sweat trickle down from my forehead, tracing the outline of my jaw before finally being liberated from my skin. It's kind of like those Gatorade commercials, except my sweat isn't some neon version of the colors of the rainbow. The field is vast, but we remain adamant about staying on the sideline, refusing to capitalize the space. I linger in the stack, stagnant for a few seconds.

Wow, you are an awesome writer...

From the name itself, it sounds like something easy peasy, but when you join, you realize the truth : Oops! Guess what? There's actually an athletic component to this sport!

This is cool: And I wonder why I deal with it.

I really hope the admissions people appreciate this as much as I do!

Undergraduate / 'My top colleges / Kind to others' - Lehigh University [4]

Good advice! And here is a fix for the second one:

Each of us wants to have a successful college experience in a campus environment that is conducive to learning , and I believe that this can easily be achieved by cooperating with and being considerate of others.

Undergraduate / UW Personal Statement, your college career to date [5]

Yes, and for some reason a theme of enthusiasm comes to mind for me. You can write about great inspiration you have had in this first year, and how your increases of activity, and now transferring to this new school, are the results of great inspiration/enthusiasm that you now have for your field of study.

Undergraduate / I have earned more A's; About what I believe; Essay for Yale [9]

Yes, great advice here! I cannot find any errors.. I want to mention that this looks very good to colleges -- when a student shows improvement from poor to good performance throughout high school, that is better than just staying average.

It is noble to admit past shortcomings, but do not elaborate too much.

Good advice from these members, thanks everyone.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay (My Transition to High School) [3]

It could work out okay if you expand the meaning by concluding with a revision of that saying. Perhaps you could conclude the essay by giving a new version of that expression, and that would fix it, too! You could say that your new understanding is that:

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it, but check to see if it..." (something)

:)

Undergraduate / The world is currently in a major crisis. Common App - Issue of Concern [6]

Yes, don't misunderstand my criticism, it is a knockout! Just make that slight change.

Undergraduate / Upenn Essay- the academic, social and athletic networks [6]

Yes! Here is the best advice ever! You can apply as pol. sci. (which is a great major by the way) EVEN IF YOU ARE NOT SURE IF YOU WILL STAY WITH THAT MAJOR!! So, that is great. Because you can appear more decisive and driven by applying as a pol. sci major. You can change it after a semester if you want. Choose the classes carefully, that's all.

:)

Undergraduate / Which essay should I use as my Common App essay? [6]

Oh... yes, I prefer the first one, I guess, but they are both good! Sometimes you have to choose based on what's closer to your own heart.

Undergraduate / Evaluate a significant experience you have faced and its impact on you. [6]

Nope, that means to surround something. You are trying to say that is .. maybe... pierced them? ha ha, it pierced your ears. No, that does not work.

That night, the squad building alarm strained my ears and jolted my nerves.

Undergraduate / UIUC essay 1 (the fields of business and accounting) [3]

Here is a fix for the ending:

Business is the heart of my academic and professional interests, but it is the diversity of intellectual opportunities available at the University of Illinois that will help me develop into the all-around scholar I plan to be.

Undergraduate / NYU short answer+common app (Cambodia, English book) [5]

If you specify the purpose of the trip to Cambodia, that would be good. Also, specify:

...but I did not truly understand (what?). Maybe like this:

My experience in Cambodia revealed to me an impoverished world of which I had been aware, but the that I had not truly understood until actually going there.

Or something like that. Also, use italics insead of " " marks for titles of books:

The first English book I ever read was Green Eggs and Ham.

:)

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Common app essay + short answer (The journey to authentic leaderships) [7]

I'll italicize the title of the publication:

I read in my favorite article in Harvard Business Review that said: "The journey to authentic leaderships begins with understanding the story of your life."This opinion reflects all my thoughts.

The periods have to go inside the quotation marks:

She started crying: "I do want to belong to our class and be a part of it, but I never believe that I can do anything good for our class. I understand that the music show is really important to our class and other members. I am afraid that I would make mistakes and ruin the show. Trust me! Your idea is really amazing and I do not have any aggressiveness. I wish I could be like you who set up many interesting activities for our class."

I smiled, "Don't worry. Everyone is willing to help you. You will never know if you never try. We are all in this together, remember?"

"You think I can help our class to prepare for the show?" She asked, quite confused. "Absolutely, you can do it. We will do it together and have a successful show."

Good job, this tells a cool story!

Undergraduate / I was presiding at piano in a 13-piano-ensemble at The Cemetery for Martyrs in April 2006. [3]

Better to write out the numbers, so it looks nice:

I was presiding at piano in a thirteen-piano ensemble...

Undergraduate / I chose to go to Kenya for my school trip - Travelling to other countries [12]

I'll add an idea about this first sentence:

I finally chose to go to Kenya for my school trip, but it wasn't an easy decision to make.

You can add to the clarity and fullness of this by explaining this way:

After much consideration, I finally chose to go to Kenya for my school trip. It was not an easy decision to make.

Undergraduate / 'IB News Station and Newspaper Club' - Personal or Academic Interests [4]

When I was in grade five in elementary school, my teacher of Chinese read to us a composition she considered excellent. It was written by me. From then on, whenever I was going to write, I felt excited; whenever I come across campus magazines, newspapers in grandpa's pocket or magazines in mother's drawers, I just could not help reading them with great delight.

The faculty enjoy a high reputation among media circles, and it surely is where I want to pursue my degree.

Meanwhile, with my rich experience gained from my work in IB News Station and the Newspaper Club in my school, I can contribute to the diversity of your university with my various skills, strong abilities and intense passions.

Good luck! You write well in English, too!

Undergraduate / 'the president of Taekwondo Club' - common app short answer - extracurricular [3]

Although initiative may cause troubles, it is worthwhile. When I was elected as the president of Taekwondo Club, I was initiated to organize a field trip. At first, I thought that it would be an easy task as long as I followed the protocol. Nevertheless, I was wrong. Many problems arose: insufficient funds due to lack of participants and rushed deadlines. It was difficult for me to promote the event and persuade students to participate the trip, because I was not a persuasive person. I learned some persuasion skills from my friends and would even practised on my own when i was alone . After weeks of running around the school convincing everyone, I finally had enough participants . Due to rushed deadline, I spent more time after school to get the miscellaneous things done. I was glad that the trip was successful. Moreover, I gained experience through it.

Great job! I wonder if this exprience has anything to do with your intended major????

If so, mention that.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- 'Passion' [5]

Here is a place where you need a comma:

Then I realized that, even without being a board member, I could still do what I wanted.

Also:

My passion motivated me onward by telling me to follow my heart and do whatever I really wanted to do -- and that not being a board member should not restrict how much I could contribute. During the next few weeks, I continued to actively contribute to the club just as I had previously. Initially, people thought I had an ulterior motive in working hard despite my failure to get elected. However, over time people realized that I was not doing it for anyone...

You should get rid of "for me":

For me I do not regret going through such an experience.

Excellent, maybe you should consider taking some classes in political science! In fact, if that was your intended major, ti would make this essay even more powerful...

Undergraduate / CALS (committed to the improvement of life) - review and advice [7]

Awesome, and thanks for all the feedback you gave other people!

Grammar, Usage / I need some quick help on a tense question (i.e. past vs. present) [5]

Hi, the only error I found was that you need a comma after lunchtime" :

It was lunchtime, and the tables...

For the tense, here is the correction:

On the train ride back to Cairo, I had sat with Rofi, an Egyptian boy one year older than me. Rofi and I had talked about Egypt, soccer, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - his favorite television show - as images of the Nile River flashed through the window. Upon our arrival at the seminary, I was called up to Rofi's apartment for a surprise. Rofi's mother had a gift for me: a beautifully simple galabea that had been hand-stitched by the local tailor. I immediately slipped the cloth on over my Old Navy t-shirt, thanked Rofi's mother and went downstairs to show off my gift in the cafeteria.

It was lunchtime and the tables were lined with young, hungry seminarians. Heads turned when I walked through the door, and some students stood up. I'll never forget the applause. I was cheered by our hosts and by my friends. My simple act was an unintentional display of humility and camaraderie with the people in that dining hall. It was February 2002, 5 months after the September 11th attacks; I was 10 years old.

This really needs some more explanation, though, for clarity. You said it is only the first half, so, as you complete it, add some more explanation to help the reader out. Good luck!!!!!

Undergraduate / u michigan short answers essay [3]

Even though I have become accustomed to the cultural differences in my school, there was one occasion that I truly experienced the differences in cultures. In my junior year, one Indian girl named (___) moved to our school. At first, I was surprised to see an Indian whom I'd only imagined. Big eyes, black hair , brown skin and a red dot on her forehead. However, we soon became good friends as we shared the same activities .

In March, we went to Beijing for Model United Nations. On the first day, our group discussed what to have for dinner, and (___) said she couldn't eat meat for religious reasons . We were all shocked because no one had ever seen a Hindu in front of us although we might have read about Hinduism . Soon, however, we respected her and decided to try a vegetarian diet. In the restaurant, we talked about her prohibition against eating meat. ...

This is very thoughtful!! Did you stick with vegetarianism? That would be interesting to mention...in order to strengthen the conclusion.

Business is the area of knowledge in which I have the greatest interest, international business in particular. Before entering high school, I didn't have interest in this field. In my junior year, however, things began to change. I took AP Economics, and the teacher was really strict about our grades. However, his knowledge of the subject was profound enough to hold my attention all the time. ...

Before moving to China, I thought that becoming an English teacher in Korea would suit me, but now I believe that ...

Nice job! Your grammar is not so bad after all!