Writing Feedback / Problem/Solution essay Causes of crime - social inequality and low-wages are provoking this [4]

Salma, in the summary paragraph / paragraph one, do not include any discussions or reasons that should be discussed later on in the paragraphs. The opening paragraph is meant solely for paraphrasing purposes. That means you should restate the topic for discussion and the instructions for the discussion in your own words. The reasons or causes, are to be discussed further on. The opening statement is just your outline. Nothing more.

The discussions you have presented are good. However, you cannot present 3 reasons in one paragraph. In order to write the essay properly, you should present a single topic per paragraph discussion. What you did here is wrong because you discussed 3 topics in a single paragraph and then proceeded to discuss other information in the other paragraphs. You are only allowed to present up to 3 discussion paragraphs in the essay. So the format of your essay is a bit off course. It had good intentions, but did not execute the presentation properly.

It is because of these major problems in your essay that I believe it cannot score higher than a 5. Again, the discussion is good, but the presentation needs to be corrected. Specially in the conclusion where you continue to discuss more information about the problem rather than just wrapping up the discussion in the expected manner.

Undergraduate / Columbia Science Honors Program | Math and Science Entrance Essay [5]

Okay, there are two points for revision here. The first is the opening paragraph. If this is how you developed your interest in science, then it has to come from a place or age of actual ability to understand your father's line of work. That means, changing the age reference to at least Grade 8 level. An age when you would truly be considering your future profession and have already been allowed to accurately observe your father at work. This is necessary because the development of the interest, usually comes from constant exposure to your parent's work. However, at the age of seven, it is understood that you are not able to process the gravity of the task your father is doing yet. So we need to bring it up to a more believable age of say 13 or 15. That is when a person normally begins to get a direction in life.

The other correction is in the second paragraph. I just want you to remove the reference to the university at the end. It is an unwarranted reference to why you wish to attend the university and is therefore, a prompt deviation. Just stick to the discussion topic as indicated by the prompt. The rest of your sentiments will have a chance to come to the front in the other common app essays you will be responding to. Just keep this one focused on the topic requirements and nothing more.

Research Papers / Research topics on data mining - suggestions? [33]

It just might work. The social media networks usually have these surveys and people behind the scenes watching the every move that we make, every click, every like, every angry icon, every emiticon use. As users, we tend to place trust behind the social media network that we are using and therefore, place a digital form of blind trust that the system will not lie to us, will not use our information in an adverse manner, and will not use the information it gains from our sign up form and everyday use against us. So the way that they mine and use the data collected does have a direct relation to data mining based on trust. You will need to further develop that thesis statement if you want to do research in this field. I am not sure what your focus will be on (facebook, twitter, instagram, etc). So I suggest that you start with choosing the social network first then follow through on all other aspects from there.

Graduate / The best curriculum that suits my needs. Need Assistance for KGSP Self Introduction Essay Evaluation [6]

The letter of self introduction is the equivalent of the KGSP statement of purpose. Therefore, you must discuss the details in the letter. Specially since you are applying via the university track. There is no other essay where you can mention the information in a relevant and applicable manner. After the Letter of Self Introduction, there will only be 2 other days to write. These are the study goals and post study plan essays. Both of which have specific requirements that do not leave you with an opportunity to discuss your university choice anymore. So utilize the self introduction essay in the best way possible. All the other samples that you can read here so exactly that, discuss their sop regarding the university choice in the letter. That is precisely why you chose to apply via the university track. So that the university will be the more influential one to consider your application. They need the details of your choice represented in this letter because this is where that information belongs.

Graduate / The best curriculum that suits my needs. Need Assistance for KGSP Self Introduction Essay Evaluation [6]

Krishna, this is an excellent start to your self introduction letter. There are some major points for addition though. For the first part of the essay, kindly indicate your family background in a concise form. This is part of the "course of life" requirement of the essay. From that addition, you need to reflect on your point of view about life, based upon the influence of your parents or the life lessons that you have learned along the way. I don't suggest using the current opening paragraph for the essay. It does not really fall under any of the necessary prompt discussions. The rest of the content of your essay is acceptable and within the required elements of the discussion topics. Your motivation and reasons for studying in Korea can be considered impressive and really useful in establishing your credentials for the program. However, since you are applying via the university track, you will need to expand on the discussion about your choice of university. What drew you the university, the commonalities that you have with the objectives of the university, the lessons you hope to learn there, or the kind of training that you hope to undergo in order to fulfill your life wishes, hopes, and dreams. When edited for content and combined with the suggested information, you should have a pretty solid and convincing self introduction to present to the reviewer.

Poetry / Nepotism - A football match/game [6]

Stop copy pasting your work to Grammarly! Your poem is getting worse by the minute. With every cut and paste that you do for the translation, you are ruining what can be a very good poem. Here's what I can do for you. The only way I can help you is to prove to you that the translator will not work properly for your interests. Look at the partial rephrasing that I did of the Grammarly translation. Do you see how the version of a native English speaker is far different and more personal than the online translated version? Use it as the basis of your own revision, this time, I do not want to see any sign of you using Grammarly for the translation. If you cannot write in English, then do not join the competition. You will not win by using Grammarly for your poems. I guarantee that. You will not even be able to compete for consideration.

Scholarship / Born and raised in Banjarmasin, Indonesia. My dream for KGSP [20]

Rahmah, you have to focus on the mandated contents of the KGSP self introduction letter. Please do your best to reflect a professional side to your application. If you do not have any professional experience, then I do not know how you expect to pass the consideration round for the applicants. Your essay should focus less on your high school experience, show more of your interest in IR developing in college, leading into your current profession, where your motivation for a masters degree in the same field should emanate from.

The lack of the professional experience in the transition from student to professional is missing. It is highly important that you reflect that in the essay because the requirements demand that you have professional experience backing your motivation and reason to enroll in this course. Move the reference to "Boys over Flowers" down in the essay. Add it to the reason why you want to study in Korea. Since you have taken the beginners classes already, you should not remove that passage from the essay. You just need to smoothly integrate the first exposure you had to Hangul in the paragraph.

Your essay has some improvements, points for improvement, and some portions that can be deleted. I hope my instructions above can help you to better revise your essay. I look forward to reading your revised essay soon. Make sure to apply the suggested changes properly so that we can progress further with the essay.

Scholarship / From dreams into reality. It's first self-introduction of my life. I'm applying for KGSP [10]

Wong, this is still not the kind of essay that you should be submitting to the KGSP because it does not accurately reflect any of the required information for the self introduction. I beg you not to use this version of the essay either. I guess you have not really bothered to research the requirements of the scholarship program because if you did, you would have known that the letter of self introduction requires highly specific information that follows a specific pattern. For the sake of assisting you with the proper development of this letter, I will provide you with the prompt requirements that you should have come across yourself if you had bothered to research the program and its requirements. The self introduction required information are as follows:

-Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
-Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
-Your motivations for applying for this program
-Reason for study in Korea

Are you sure that you are applying via the university track for the scholarship program? It does not seem like you are very familiar with the university that you are applying to because you only speak of the social aspect of the university and none of the academic side, which should be the main reason why you are opting to enroll at that university. Do me a favor and really take the time to research, draft, and write a proper self introduction letter based upon the suggestions above. You are wasting time by constantly writing essays that do not deliver on the prompt expectations. Try to get it right this time. Take your time. Don't rush. Double check your revised essay against the required prompt discussions. That is the best way to revise this essay on your part.

Graduate / USC Marshall / What's the hardest thing you have ever done? [3]

You may need to revise the beginning of your essay because you have to develop the discussion about how you coordinated with UNDP China in order to get your project funded. In actuality, I do not read any sense of apprehension or fear in your actions. You seem to be straightforward, capable, and fearless as a leader. Since this is supposed to be an essay about how you accomplished something hard, you have to show a sense of difficulty in your essay. Right now, everything sounds too free flowing and easily resolved in your statement. So even though the events sound difficult, you did not have any difficulty in resolving the situations. I am just a bit concerned that this may not be the proper way to respond to the prompt requirement. After all, the keyword is "hardest" and at the moment, nothing seemed too hard for you to accomplish in the task you related.

Graduate / "White Opulence"; My passion for literary creation and analysis. KGSP Self -Introduction [2]

Nina, the essay that you wrote lacks the substance that is required of a KGSP applicant. If you review the prompt requirements, you will find that aside from a heavily discussed academic background, there is nothing else in the essay that would directly relate to the information required of you. There is no personal background related to your upbringing, what kind of mindset your upbringing developed in you, and how these all relate to the dreams and hopes that you have either on a personal or national basis. While you speak heavily of the influence of other people upon you, there is a clear lack of professional experience that would inform the reviewer regarding the application of your college degree to your chosen career. Therefore, there is no way to relate your career to the KGSP program. If you do not have any professional experience, you must explain why that is so to the reviewer and more importantly, convince him that your reasons and motivations for studying in Korea, sans a professional application, should be given a higher priority over the other applicants who out qualify you, for the program. What I am reading here is something that is best suited for a college transfer application. It is nowhere near being a qualified KGSP self introduction letter at the moment. You know what the letter requirements are in terms of important and required information. Do your best to revise your essay in a manner that better reflects the reviewers expectations. You still have a chance to impress the reviewer, all you have to do, is write a more suitable essay for him to consider.

Scholarship / My predicted career? A computer teacher or lecturer. Study Plan for KGSP Graduate Application [6]

Remove the reference to the one year language program. So that means that you should discuss your research time frame starting from the second year of your studies, which is when the formal education begins and you will most likely, be give the opportunity to finalize your masters thesis proposal with the help of advisers and mentors. You will only be doing the actual research work over 2 years because the first year is dedicated to language lessons. There will be no masters classes yet during your first year because you have to familiarize yourself with Hangul first. That is why I said you have to remove that reference in the plan presentation. It is only the language study period of one year that you have to remove from the essay. You can keep all the information related to the formal 2 years masters study. Everything after the one year language study should stay in the proposal.

Scholarship / I would like to study in Korea in order to get valuable, precious and sophisticated education [2]

Phyu, it would be best if you format this letter as a normal essay because that is what is it, an essay. However, if you feel that you would like to keep the formality of a letter of introduction in your essay then that is fine. There are no hard rules regarding the format anyway. Let me start by saying that you have written a pretty good letter of introduction. However the letter that you wrote focuses too much on the last parts of the self introduction requirements of the letter. The following are the required information for this letter:

-Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
-Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
-Your motivations for applying for this program
-Reason for study in Korea

Your work excellently covers the last 2 parts of the requirements, in terms of the motivations for applying to the program and reasons for study in Korea. It actually runs way too long in the letter. Far longer than it should. It would be best if you adjusted the content of your essay to shorten the motivation and reason part so that you can offer more of your personal background (course of life), point of view about life (as it relates to your hopes and wishes for your future or the future of your country), expand upon your college background in relation to your current career and how that background helped build the foundation for your interest in this masters degree.

When you discuss your reasons for studying in Korea, try to edit your presentation. You need to balance the academic reasons with your previous experience in Korea. Hopefully, you can better direct the content of the essay based upon the actual prompt requirements and deliver an excellent and highly competitive self introduction letter. You have very good credentials and, if presented in the proper manner in relation to the KGSP, you should stand a pretty good chance of getting past the first round of considerations.

You have a full single spaced, font size 10 page with which to complete this essay. Using the suggestions for the revision, i do not doubt that your paper will be one of the best that will be submitted to the reviewer for consideration.

Undergraduate / UT Austin Transfer/Statement of Purpose Essay - extra elements which complete my applicarion [5]

Cailyn, since you are looking to be a transfer student, use this essay to build up the reasons why you feel that your transfer to UT is imperative for the purposes of your educational and career goals. Explain your growth as a student at your current university. Explain why, despite these events that took place in your current university, you feel that the educators there have taken you as far as they can in terms of what you can learn from their educational system. Discuss what your actual purpose for studying this course is. Then explain the reasons behind your choice to move to UT. Why did you choose to transfer at this point in time? What do you hope to accomplish as a student there? What makes UT special in relation to your career goals? The extenuating circumstances for your transfer can be presented in response to that question.

Basically, this essay that you wrote would work for a normal college application. Since your case is that of a transfer student, you should not be presenting your statement of purpose in a similar manner to that of a college freshman. The instructions I have given you will help you to better utilize the SOP for the purpose of transferring from your university to UT.

Scholarship / My answer to - How did you select your planned program and institution [4]

In order to work within the 2000 character limit, you will just need to summarize the government policy that relates to the reason why you chose to enroll in this masters class. The way you have it presented now is too vivid and inclusive of all information related to it. The only information that you have to mention is the name of the policy, that it is a national policy, that you work somewhere that requires you to comply with it, and that you need to get additional training in order to do your job properly. You can probably do that in about 1000 characters. Leaving you with 1000 to discuss the university choices.

About the university choices. There is always a difference between the teachings of the universities. You do not need to say anything negative about your first choice in order to make your second choice look good. You just have to tell the reviewer what elements of the second university attracted you to opt for it as your second university choice. You can keep the positive description of the first university that way. There is no need to say anything negative. You can say something positive about both schools. That is all you need to do. Don't do a university comparison. That is why I asked you to discuss each in a separate paragraph. It is when you do a university comparison that you end up saying something negative about one or the other university.

Scholarship / How have you contributed to solving a challenge and to implementing change or reform? - AAS [3]

Dany, while the situation you presented might be considered a problem, it is not the kind of problem that the essay is asking you to present. Why is that? Mainly because the essay requires you to identify your leadership and networking abilities in the essay. Remember, there is a reference to the organization that you worked with to resolve the problem? That is where the leadership and networking abilities come in. This current essay presents you are a one person mission team. That does not show any leadership abilities in terms of influencing others to do things your way, because you did not need to convince them to do that, nor did you need the help of any person or organization to do what you did. It sounds like you went rogue in this case.

The response has to show your leadership skills such as your ability to delegate roles, influence people, cooperate with others in order to get what you need or want to happen, as well as, providing the direction for the solution to the problem you wish to solve. This essay doesn't deliver any of those important leadership factors. Review the prompt requirements one more time. You will see that you missed out on representing a majority of the required elements with this essay.

Scholarship / My predicted career? A computer teacher or lecturer. Study Plan for KGSP Graduate Application [6]

Monita, you have to remove the reference to the 3 year research plan for your masters thesis. The reason behind this is simple. You first have to complete your Hangul classes and prove that you can survive the Hangul based lessons by passing the TOPIK test. You will not even be enrolled in the formal masters classes until after you have completed the language requirements. So saying that you will begin the research upon the commencement of the lessons will be a false expectation on your part. Remove that reference because of that technicality. Just assume that you have already passed the test and you will begin your research as soon as you begin formal classes during the second year of your stay. It seems to me that you can add more detail to your study plan by including the specific types of research and methodologies that you plan to use for the research. How is it all supposed to come together and work cohesively? What problems do you expect to encounter and how do you plan to overcome these?

Scholarship / My answer to - How did you select your planned program and institution [4]

Bagu, aside from the government requirement that you discussed in great detail, you must also present information regarding your own occupation and how it relates to the government program. For example, you can explain that your current position in the hospital or agency where you work requires that all employees in related fields to the government program must undergo additional training and education in order to prepare for the system migration. That would make an excellent explanation as to how and why you chose the course. The government program becomes the basis the basis of your decision to choose to study this course.

While your reasons for opting for the University of Melbourne are detailed and related to your course, you should remove the reference to the world ranking because that is not one of the prime factors to choose a university. The same goes for your second choice university which by the way, should be discussed as a separate paragraph and discussed with regards to the difference it has, course and syllabus wise from the University of Melbourne. Your current discussion for the second university is too simple, lacking in content, and makes it sound like you don't really consider attending that university as a real option would you not get into your first choice university.

Writing Feedback / You are a wealthy person who can buy either a house or a company. What would be your choice? [4]

Though your prompt restatement is a bit lacking in terms of actually reflecting the discussion you are to provide, the rest of the essay managed to work well in terms of delivering on the needs of the discussion. As such, I believe that you could get a score anywhere between a 3 and 4. I am not sure as to how the actual examiner would score you on the increments of the criteria which is why I gave you the basis for your possible final score instead.

The problems with your essay include the problem with the prompt paraphrasing and also, the somewhat problematic English grammar such as saying "By the way to the example..." should have been "By way of an example..." resulted in an inconsistency in the way that you form sentence structures and also proves a limited understanding of the English vocabulary. Hence, you were scored less because of these inconsistencies and problems with your presentation.

Undergraduate / Sustainable Building Systems Program - max. word limit of a personal statement (education studies) [2]

Wang, your essay has a total of 709 words in it. This is over the normal word allotment for a personal statement. Unless otherwise specified, a personal statement should not contain more than 500 words in it. A minimum word count of 250 -300 is usually sufficient enough to create an informative and interesting personal statement. You should work on reducing your word count. I will not, at this point, dictate which parts of your essay should be removed or rephrased in order to shorten the length of your work. That is something that you have to do yourself because you are the best person to judge which parts of this essay are irrelevant and just word fillers. I will only step in to edit the content after you have decided upon and removed the portions that you feel comfortable leaving out of the essay. You can judge what can be removed based upon the effect it has on the essay. If it does not alter the meaning of the personal statement or the information provided in the statement, then you can safely remove that part of the essay / paragraph. Look for the paragraphs whose information can be combined into a single paragraph. This will save the reviewer time when he scans your work for important details. By allowing him to focus on the most important information in combined paragraphs, you will lessen the need for him to read the whole essay, looking for important information.

It is wrong to say that you developed a passion for this field at Grade 8 but then did not get a serious inspiration to solve a problem related to it until you moved to another country. Try to reconcile the age of your interest with the time you decided there was a problem you wanted to solve. If possible, make this all happen within the time frame of your arrival in the U.S. Honestly, I think you should skip this part in this essay because there is a prompt specific for this purpose. It is the prompt about how you developed an interest in this field. Do you have a prompt similar to that to respond to as part of the common app requirements? If you do, then you can safely remove all references to the development of your interests and your accomplishments in this field. If not, then you have to summarize the information because the presentation is too long in this essay.

Since this is a personal statement, try to present your non academic personality as well. What kinds of activities do you enjoy doing outside of class? Do you do volunteer services? How about community service? How have these activities helped to shape your personality? What kind of personality would you say that you have?

When you write this kind of essay, aim to balance your academic accomplishments with your private side. That is because the essay should help the reviewer get to know the "personal" side of you. Who are you beyond being a student? What do you enjoy aside from academics? He has to get to know you as a well rounded person with varied interests that can help him adjust to and adapt to the world of college academics. The personal statement should be able to do that. Right now though, he is just getting to know more about your academic side. Show him the two sides to who you are in order to make this more effective as a personal statement.

Scholarship / The things that I consider before choosing the university of my future study. Australia Scholarship [7]

Thanks for telling me this Dany. You did not indicate this in your essay instructions s naturally, I assumed that it had to be said. Since the university is very clear about how you will be choosing your academic institution to attend, I do not see why this essay cannot be considered finalized yet. I believe that with that clarification, you have managed to write the most acceptable essay possible for the prompt requirements. I have done a final read through of the essay and believe that nothing more should be done to the essay. It carries your voice quite clearly. All you have to do is one final read through as well. Make sure you are satisfied with the final version of the essay and, if satisfied, prepare the essay for submission. Good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / Columbia Science Honors Program | Math and Science Entrance Essay [5]

Vineeth, please provide the entrance essay prompt requirement / instructions for writing in the next post so that I can have a better idea of what the reviewer expects to read as a response in your essay. It will also help me to focus your essay on the necessary topics for discussion and in the process, lower the word count to an even better level. The shorter the essay, the better chance you have that the reviewer will read the whole statement.

I can see that the focal point of this statement is your relationship with and the influence that your father had on you. One thing that you have to understand though is that starting the discussion from the age of 7 is not something that is believable to the reviewer. As a rule, the age of the applicant in these essays should remain vague in order to not bring the mindset of the child into question, which weakens the possibility of the reviewer believing what the child is saying. As in this instance, the tales a full grown man would tell a 7 year old about his job is simplified to sound fascinating to a child since it is tailor made to entertain the listener. However, if this is the same conversation that the father had with his 14 or 15 year old child, then the belief that the child could have been directly influenced to follow in the same path as the father is more believable and acceptable to the reviewer. I would go for a more vague reference to the age discussion if I were you.

Aside from that immediate point for correction, I will need to read the actual essay instructions in order to better advice you and offer more relevant suggestions as to how to improve the statement. I look forward to reading the prompt as soon as possible.

Essays / Help with guidance in Health Issues essay report [3]

Amanda, in order to approach this topic properly, you have to gain access to the records of the exercise facility that you wish to do your research on. That is because the only way to gain an understanding of the pre-existing problem / condition of the majority of the members of the club will be to read their records. This will tell you the reasons why they decided to start working out and enact a lifestyle change. This research will be the basis of your thesis statement. If you cannot gain access to the records, then ask if you can interview the members of the gym to find out their reasons for joining. Basically, you need to have a very good relationship with the facility in order to pull this off. Once you have done your survey of the members, covering the reasons they enrolled and what kind of solutions they have tried to implement, you can then formulate your own solutions for inclusion in your report. Done this way, you are sure to better represent all of the expected outcomes of your report.

Graduate / Design Academy Eindhoven. Statement of motivation and expectations concerning the programme [2]

Priyanka, why do you speak of your professional experience in past tense? Are you currently unemployed? If you are unemployed at the moment, then you have to explain how that factors into the motivation that you have to gain information from higher studies. If it was a mistake and you are still connected to that company, then you have to change the text to reflect that you are currently employed there.

Your motivations and reasons for higher study is clear in the essay. However, your current opening statement is not applicable to this essay. It seems that you based the writing of your current work on the KGSP essay samples here, which are a totally different form of motivational writing than the others. The KGSP is specialized for their application so when you followed that sample for this essay, you neglected to take into consideration the requirements that the instructions for this essay gave you.

The missing element from your essay is the reference to your "professional expectations after completing your study". This means that you have to present at least a paragraph long short term (5 year) career goal or at least, a 6 month plan for the development of your career post study. The reviewer needs to know that you have a plan of action for your career upon completion of your degree.

You should remove the contribution that you will be making to the university and the reason why you chose to study in the Netherlands. That is a KGSP requirement that is not necessary in this essay. It is not necessary because what is required in this essay is an explanation of why you chose to study at DAE (expectations concerning the programme and your studies at Design Academy Eindhoven). The requirement presented needs to show that you are familiar with the programs, training facilities, internship, or mentor programs of the university. It cannot be a general reference as you have done so in this essay.

Poetry / Nepotism - A football match/game [6]

PAtience, hy is the title of your poem Nepostism? You do know that nepotism is "the practice among those with power or influence of favoring relatives or friends, especially by giving them jobs." I am not sure how nepotism fits in the world of football. The poem needs to set some background for this accusation before you go headlong into the complaints you have about nepotism within the game. I noticed that you are fond if giving the title a voice in the poem. Please stop doing that. That is how you end up confusing the meaning of stanzas. Just write your poems as the voice of the person experiencing or observing what is going on. The title's voice has to come from the writer.

The writer does not make the title speak in the essay unless he is a far advanced poet already. You are still an amateur, a beginner at best. So write in a simple manner. Do not try to write in the ways of the bard because you are not yet at an English level that allows you to do so.

Simplify the essay and, this is the first time i will ask you to do this, for your own good, write the English poem in the way that you would write it. Do not use Grammarly this time. I am going to teach you how to write a good poem, without using an online translator that, as I previously said, cannot and will not do an accurate job of translating what you want to say.

Why am I asking you to do this? You have to do it because this is a horrible English translation that will never make it past the preliminary screening round of the competition. I have no vested interest in this because I am not joining the competition. So I should not care what your writing sounds or reads like to the judges. However, I want to give you the best fighting chance that you can get to win the competition. Using Grammarly is not the way to do it. Grammarly is the best way to lose the competition at this point. It just doesn't translate the poem in a manner that makes sense. The same problems exist in this poem as it did for your other 2. I am being blunt here to help you. Not to insult you or tear down your work. The only way to help you, is to make you stop using the online program.

Grammarly works better when translating essays. It cannot translate poems because of the emotional and intellectual involvement required of the work. Please, listen to me this time. This is the best way to help you.

Scholarship / Born and raised in Banjarmasin, Indonesia. My dream for KGSP [20]

Rahmah, your essay is severely lacking in required information. Specially in the educational and professional aspect. I realize that you accomplished a number of feats as a high school student. However, the information about your college studies is the real important aspect of your educational background that the reviewer wants to hear about. It seems that you forgot to discuss that due to the immense focus that you gave to your high school studies. The reviewer will learn that you developed a love for languages, but he won't know if that led to your studying a relevant degree in college. You should reduce the focus on the high school world and introduce your college information in greater detail.

After that, please address the professional aspect of your application. You do not mention any form of work that you have done upon your graduation from college. You must inform the reviewer about your professional skills as normally, the motivation for higher study, which you also failed to address in your essay, based on. I hope I am wrong but it seems like you are applying for the KGSP program as a high school graduate. The KGSP program is for masters degree students, college graduates.

You are not being asked for the financial reason that you are applying to the KGSP. You are being asked to relate your application to your professional background instead. So you have to present your professional experience in vivid detail and explain why you feel that the KGSP experience will help you achieve your dreams, ambitions, hopes, and wishes in your professional life.

If you have taken the TOPIK level 1 test, include the information about your score in the essay. While that will help your application, you will still need to undergo the mandatory Korean classes because you are still a beginner in terms of the language learning process.

Perhaps it would be better if you just write a new essay and post it as a new thread. This current essay that you have written does not fall under any of the required information for the KGSP as you have it posted here. There is no foundation in this self introduction letter that will tell the reviewer that you are a potential candidate for the program.

Letters / A perfect world does not exist. My Values and Beliefs - NTU Scholarship Essay [2]

Jon, you have portrayed strong character traits of a person. These are not to be confused with the values and belief system that creates the ideology of a person. You have to understand the differences between a trait, value, and belief. A trait is a distinguishing quality or characteristic, typically one belonging to a person. While a value is a person's principles or standards of behavior; one's judgment of what is important in life. The belief on the other hand is trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something. So there is a mistake in the way that you portrayed your response to the essay. Values in terms of the essay relates to the way that a person lives his life and can help you tell right from wrong. These are normally learned from your family, friends, and members of your community. While the belief, is the ideology that we have regarding certain things like a belief in god, a belief that evil never wins, that hard work always pays off in the end, and other similar mindsets. A simple editing relating to the content of your response will make it better aligned to the expected response.

Scholarship / My unforgettable experiences at the private school; letter of self-introduction (KGSP) [13]

Yes. Just delete the portions I indicated in my response # 8 and the essay should be in its final form. I have already proof read the essay and revised it as best as can be done within the context of your essay. There is no other work left to be done on the paper. That is, as far as I am concerned. It would be best if you also do a final read through of your paper to make sure that you are fully satisfied with what you have written and developed. Bear in mind that what I consider to be the final version may be different from yours. So if you think that there is still more work to be done, then just let me know so we can continue the work. However, if you think the same as me, that this paper is ready, then you don't even have to ask me to approve the final edited form. You just have to set it aside while you develop the other 2 essays. Keep it in the ready to submit file because that is exactly what this essay is, ready to submit.

Scholarship / A renewable energy - essay for study plan KGSP, department of energy engineering [11]

Handayani, your grammatical structure shows that you have a very strong scientific background. However, that is not to say that the sentence development is always correct. While there are some grammatical mistakes to be addressed, I did not feel the need to do so at the moment because I am asking you to do some pretty major revisions to your study plan. As such, the whole sentence structure and grammatical presentation of the essay is bound to change. It is only after we have finalized your content that I wish to address any problems with your grammar. After all, constantly correcting the grammar, when the discussion of the essay is not yet perfected will only result in a lot of wasted manpower. So it is best to leave the grammar correction for the final version of the essay.

Scholarship / A renewable energy - essay for study plan KGSP, department of energy engineering [11]

Handayani, it is important that you present your study plan in the form of a thesis statement to the reviewer. This means that aside from stating the problem or goal of the project, you also need to discuss the method of your research, the required parameters for the research, your experimental process, and the expected outcome of your project. There is no need to explain how your background is related to the research, how the university is known for research, and how your college degree prepared you for the program. Those are all information that should have already been covered in the self introduction letter. This study plan, should focus solely on explaining the importance of your research, its future applications, and how you the university facilities can help you with the research. That is, aside from the earlier information about the thesis statement and research procedure. Paragraphs 2 and 5 will be excellent starting points for the revision of your essay. You can combine the two paragraphs to create your thesis statement and project goals / purpose.

Scholarship / A journey in reaching my future goal - Essay for Korean Scholarship [13]

I think the best thing to do with that part is just remove the reference to it. So keep the paragraph but remove the sentence. For clarity sake, you should just bring that discussion up in the part of the essay that will make it clearer and allow for a longer discussion as your motivation for higher study. From what I have read, you were able to do that later on in the essay. So its removal from the earlier part will not affect the motivation aspect of the letter. I can understand what you want to say now, but it has to be presented in a clearer and more accurate manner. By removing the redundancy, the reason for your becoming a lecturer takes on a more understandable, serious, and commendable tone in the eyes of the reviewer. So go ahead and remove that part then set the essay aside for later submission.

Scholarship / A journey in reaching my future goal - Essay for Korean Scholarship [13]

The essay is ready for submission. While the professional aspect is still a lacking, the way that you presented your extra curricular activities and your tutoring work should make up for that shortcoming. The language that you used is academic and understandable. However, I am wondering about what you are trying to say in the following portion:

... Knowing this fact, I ascertained, that I had made the right choice, which the fact implied I should be the one who contributes for the development of mathematical sciences in xxxx.

What contribution is this? What development do you hope to contribute? This sentence requires further development content and topic- wise. This may be a very important consideration for your application so do not leave it under discussed. Increase the content of this part in a manner that will help to support your motivation for higher study. However, if you are discussing this later in the essay in a more expanded manner, then you delete this reference so that redundancies in your topic discussion can be avoided.

I do not suggest changing the grammar in your essay. The essay needs to show an accurate portrayal of how you use the written English language and your English thought process. Therefore, as long as you are coherent in your presentation, there is no need to fix the grammar. Believe me, if there was a problem with your grammar that affected the essence of the essay, I would have pointed it out and requested that you fix it. I would probably personally revise the problem section for you if I saw the need to do so.

Essays / How to start and end this essay? Tudelft's motivation essay for admission into Msc programme [3]

Hi Chris, there is no need to add anything at the start or end of the motivational letter for this program. You can present it as a normal essay of 1400 words if you wish to. When it comes to the format, you can choose to present it as an actual letter or simply as an essay. The reviewer will accept either format. Normally though, the straightforward essay format is what is used in the writing of a motivational letter. As for the word count, what you have written is well within the requirements. You just cannot present less than 1000 words and not more than 1500 words. Personally, I believe the straight essay format is best because that is the format that is used for all application essays. Even though it is called a "letter", it always follows the rudimentary requirements of a motivational essay. So you can't go wrong presenting it as such.

Graduate / 'hungry for an abyss of knowledge in Chemistry' - SOP for masters in Energy Technology [2]

Pradeep, since you are switching careers, the first thing you have to do in the statement of purpose is explain why you have decided to switch from one occupation to another. That is because your work experience is relevant in the statement of purpose. If you can clearly explain how your career switch is related to a step up the promotional ladder or as a lateral change in your career, then the purpose of your essay will be clearer. The college education that you received should only be presented in a summary form with only the relevant class information indicated in reference to the Energy Technology focus of the masters degree.

You need to only get the pertinent information from this current version of your essay because the information that you have is not all geared towards a proper statement of purpose. Most of the references you make are related to your college degree when what we need is information that could inform the reviewer as to why you would have a strong reason to move on to a different career. I think the two careers are related in a way. You just have to find the commonality between the two that can justify the career change on your end.

Proceed to explain the research that you did in college that relates to Energy Technology. What was the purpose of the research and what was the outcome? Use that as the basis for your motivation to change careers. If you are applying via the thesis track, make sure to explain your masters degree thesis statement in relation to energy technology. Once you have accomplished those information, just add the paragraph about why you chose to enroll at the university. Try to make that a shorter paragraph because you still have to explain your short term career goal covering a period of 5 years.

Graduate / An Email to Preferred Supervisor - Requirement to apply Master Degree in Japan [7]

In the first paragraph, when you open the statement, talk about thinking about doing research before you tell the professor when you graduated. Say "I have been thinking... since I graduated in..." Switch the second paragraph to the "I have read your journal article..." instead. That creates more of a continuous feel for the discussion. Don't say that you enjoyed it. Discuss the relevance of his research to your course and then slowly introduce the actual focus of your research and its connection to his previous research article.

I am not sure if the briefness of the succeeding paragraphs are owed to the fact that you are trying to protect some information, or these are really hanging sentences instead of full paragraphs. In which case, you really need to develop the content of the paragraphs in order to convince the professor that your research will blend well with his part or current research. The blending will have to do with how your research can help to strengthen his own work that you read.

Do not mention his faculty portfolio. That is rude. Instead, discuss how you have heard about how his research team works well and that you hope to add to the strength of his team because of (state your assets as a researcher or assistant researcher).

Clarify what you mean by bringing your line research. I think you want to ask him if you can collaborate with his team because of the commonalities of his research right? In that case, be explicit. Say so.

Scholarship / A journey in reaching my future goal - Essay for Korean Scholarship [13]

Then I guess we have no choice but to keep the half a year reference to your professional work then. No big deal. At least you have some sort of professional experience to speak of. It would seem that the volunteering part is not as relevant to your essay as you thought it was then. Specially if it does not relate to your being a Math tutor. As such, it would be safe to remove that reference in this essay. Again, remove it only if it cannot help to create a better idea as to the kind of Math professional that you can be. If you feel that you can develop it to become a significant part of your professional experience, then find other parts of the essay to edit in order to make room for a more developed discussion of your volunteer activities.

You can actually post the full essay here and then make arrangements with the moderators to delete the essay after we are done editing it. I suggest that you send them an email about it so you can get the details before you post the full essay. No rush. I am always here to review your essay as soon as I get the chance to do so.

Writing Feedback / Giving tips for your sister on Simple Ways to Save Money [8]

Okay. Here are some tips. When discussing in past tense, it is not always necessary to say the word "have". So in your first paragraph, you could have simply said "You mentioned in your letter..." That is because "have" connotes an action that is still taking place. In this case, it has already happened so it is no longer necessary to say "have". In the second paragraph, say "you do not have" instead of "did not have". Did not have connotes a past action while "Do not have" connotes an ongoing situation that still requires a solution. Third paragraph should say "where you spent your money". Again, this is all about the timeline in the letter. Most of your sisters actions have already occurred and as such, must take on the past form of presentation. Also, it is better to say "... you will reflect on your actions..." instead of "reflect on yourself". Basically, the mistakes in your grammar are so minimal and negligible since it does not alter the meaning of the sentence nor make the paragraph confusing to read. That is why I did not think the corrections were necessary. For an ESL, you are doing a very good job in expressing yourself in written English.

Scholarship / 3. What is your greatest strength? Weakness? [Interview Qsn] [6]

Will this be a question that you have to respond to via an online application? Or do you have to mail it in via postal mail? If you have to send the response electronically, then check the application box for the prompt requirement. It should be specified there. If it is to be returned via postal mail, then you have to contact the university to be sure of the word or character count. Normally, a one page response is sufficient enough to discuss the questions provided. Usually between 2-4 paragraphs. However, the university may have a specific requirement so you should be sure to double check with them first. If it seems like there is really no requirement, then you can use the standard 2-4 paragraph response for this essay. 2 paragraphs for the strength and 2 paragraphs for the weakness. That will allow you to properly discuss and inform the reviewer in terms of your response to the prompt. If you find out that there is a word requirement from the university, then work within the limitation parameters for your response revision.

Scholarship / My family's sacrifice have established today's me - planning to apply for scholarship [4]

Sometimes, it is best to take a step back and analyze your credentials in terms of its worthiness of the scholarship requirements. There are actually 3 essays that you need to submit for this application. The self introduction, the study goal, and the post study plan essays all rely on the fact that you have some professional background to speak of because the KGSP program is one that is part of a continuing professional education. It requires actual work experience because the program requires you to live in Korea for a number of years after graduation. If you do not have any work experience to speak of, then you are not qualified for the program in the best manner possible. Without the work experience, you will have a difficult time creating a study plan (masters thesis proposal), plus your post study plan (employment opportunity possibilities). Right now, your essay lacks proper professional focus and forward thinking possibilities for career growth and personal improvement.

The best thing that you can do at this moment is to try and gain some work experience in the relevant field and then try to apply to the scholarship during the next round of applications. Strengthen your credentials first, make sure you qualify on all counts, then seriously apply during that round of applications. Don't force it at the moment if you cannot provide everything that will make you qualified for the scholarship. You need to be able to complete, through your credentials and experience, with those who have far more credentials and experience than you do.

The KGSP program only accepts the best and the brightest in the world. It is one of the most difficult international scholarships to qualify for. Don't think of it as an ordinary scholarship because it isn't. That is why there are many rounds of consideration and screening for each applicant who wants to join the program. They really vet the applicants for worthiness in a very intricate manner.

Writing Feedback / Giving tips for your sister on Simple Ways to Save Money [8]

Since you are writing this in a letter format, please make sure that you keep the format consistent until the end of the letter. That means, since you have a salutation as the opening of the letter, then you also need a closing salutation at the end. By the way, I think you used an android device to write this new letter because you wrote "Andrea" instead of and mother. Also, the word "mother" should be written in lower case since it is not accompanied by the name of a person as a title such as "Mother Teresa". Your tone is now consistent in terms of being concerned for your sister and comes across as the words of a sibling who wants to help a sister. The tone before was too academic because you did not have the proper format for the letter in place. This version though, does a very good job of accomplishing the task given to you to write about. While the grammar is not perfect, the sentences are understandable enough to allow proper comprehension of the message you want to get across to your sister / reader.

Scholarship / 3. What is your greatest strength? Weakness? [Interview Qsn] [6]

Aashish, what is the character or word requirement for the statement? The statement about you being a leader should be adjusted to offer a quick example, in summary form of a time when you proved to be a leader in order to create a basis or foundation for your claim regarding your strong leadership skills. As for the multitasking weakness, it also requires that you show an example of this failure. It would be best if you present your weakness before the strength that you have. As in all statements and essays, you would want to close the information on the strongest note, not the weakest, in support of your application. Overall, the responses are quick and accurate, but lacking in proper response development. The response development has to to do with the example of a strength and weakness as I explained earlier in my observation of your work. Make sure to say within the maximum word count (if required) when you adjust your response.