Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master in Business Administration to Radboud University [6]

Hrasky, in order to improve your motivation letter, you should remove the reference to the explanation about the Asean Economic Community. That is irrelevant to the motivation in this case. Instead, you can use the part of that paragraph that depicts how you hope to help people / students deal with the changes in the Asean region by becoming an educator with a specialization in Business Administration. I noticed that your motivation is mostly theoretical in approach. Don't you have any practical motivations? Practical motivations include any internship experiences and community activities that relate to your realization that you need a masters degree education in this field. Try to indicate that you have a professional motivation included so that your interest is not to research based. While the university has a researched based curriculum, a more practical representation of your interests can help in developing your status as an applicant. The motivation to apply what you will be learning must be evident. The letter is already good, but with some additional information, it can be better.

Undergraduate / Desi. Common Application Essay - "Underrepresented" [2]

Hi Izzy, you wrote a very interesting personal essay that can best be used as a background story, not as a response to this essay. It would be best if you consider writing a new essay that better reflects a time in your life when you proved that you had a newfound sense of responsibility or, an ability that is normally associated with a coming of age in your family or community. There was no actual coming of age story in this particular narrative, which is why it does not properly respond to the prompt. What you have to reflect in your narrative is a sense of how the people older than you gave you a higher sense of responsibility or respect upon proof of your maturity. These events normally include, but are not limited to rites of passage in your community (e.g. fishing, hunting, successfully assisting in an adult task) or normally accepted events (e.g. getting your drivers license, traveling alone for the first time). All of which are events that, upon completion, allows your family or community members to realize a more mature version of you as a person, who is ready to face the adult world, such as college, alone.

Graduate / Losing the moment chasing the goal [8]

Aigul, don't reflect upon your 6 year old self. That doesn't make sense to the reviewer as the age you indicate doesn't have any real or relevant life memories to speak of yet that could influence who you could be in the future. Instead, rephrase the paragraph to represent your reflection of your family life over the years and how the experience helped create the person you are today. That way the narrative take on a more serious introductory note as the reviewer read it. It becomes a relevant self introduction. You can delete the post about meeting the person on the train. It is not add notable as the previous paragraphs and doesn't really move the self introduction forward as this was not a truly influential person in your life. You only meet him once and all you had was small talk during the trip. The rest of the essay works well in terms of delivering the required and expected information based upon the prompt requirements. I believe that this can be the last edit before the essay finally enters its usable stage.

Writing Feedback / task 2 ielts - celebrity's privacy; should every rumour of the famous be published by media? [5]

To, try to not type the prompt into the box. That is usually how these mistakes occur. Whenever possible, cut and paste the prompt from the original source. Or, even better, upload a scan of the prompt page. That way you can avoid confusion or misstating the requirements of the essay task. Regardless of the prompt requirement, my analysis of your work still stands. The same errors still exist and need to be corrected. Make sure that you take note of the final prompt instruction regarding how you are expected to discuss the prompt prior to writing the essay. If you are uncertain, ask your instructor first. That is assuming that you are enrolled in IELTS classes. There are various ways of responding to these essays. It is not always an opinion essay so you have to be sure that you present the correct point of view in your presentation.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task 2] Lack of Learning languages and children development in the modern society [2]

Ken, the overall score for your essay cannot be higher than a 2. Yes, I mean that score is what you will get for each and every band criteria. There are a number of reasons that you cannot score higher than this in an actual test, with this type of presentation. The reasons are as follows:

1. The response that you gave slips in and out of relevance to the prompt requirement. You have a tendency to discuss unrelated topics in the essay.

2. You do not have any control of organizational features. The reader has a hard time trying to make sense of the topic that you are trying to discuss per paragraph.

3. Your language problem has created an essay that cannot be understood by the reader due to the problems with lexical resources and sentence structure. You have absolutely no idea as to how to compose even the most simple English sentence in a comprehensible manner. This causes severe stress for the reader.

4. Your punctuation problems are evident throughout the essay. The comma should not take the place of a period and it should not be contained throughout a paragraph. That qualifies your written work as only one sentence instead of a full paragraph. A paragraph is created by knowing when to use periods in your thought presentations.

While this essay is truly problematic, I would like you to continue practicing. I know this is your first attempt at writing an IELTS Task 2 essay so the problems are understandable. With constant practice and guidance, you should show some improvement within a week or two. Just write everyday. Don't stop. That is the only way that you can get better at developing these essays.

Writing Feedback / Essay Writing. Methods to integrate modern ways of transportation. [2]

Ayman, I am assuming that you posted the wrong prompt instructions to go with the essay that you developed. Since you gave a totally different answer than that which the prompt requires, the only score you can get for this essay is a 1. That is the score that is given when the exam taker provides an answer that is totally unrelated to the prompt. Please be more responsible the next time that you post an essay for review. Make sure that you are presenting the correct prompt for the essay. I am really disappointed that I could not give you a better score just because you did not respond to the correct prompt. If you can provide the prompt for the essay that you wrote, I can score you on this current essay instead. The response just has to match the prompt. That is all that you need to be sure of each time you write a practice test.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. Six pie charts about water usage worldwide [4]

Ana, the instructions clearly state that you are to present at least 150 words, nothing less. Yet you are presenting a 139 word count essay for our review here. Be cognizant of the instructions given in the test. Submitting an essay that is less than the word count will result in an automatic failure during the actual test. The mere lack of word requirement for this essay already tells me that the essay has major content issues and does not fully present the information in the strongest manner possible. When tasked to write at least 150 words, you should strive to submit an essay that is at least 175 - 200 words long in order to have a better chance of proving your task accuracy, lexical resource abilities, grammar accuracy / range, and most importantly, your coherence and cohesiveness in providing the summary report. Your work suffered tremendously due to your carelessness. Remember, always check the word count. That is the vital first step in passing this test.

Essays / Proposed research: ELEMENTS THAT DECREASES UNWANTED PREGNANCIES IN RURAL AREAS [8]

Hi Okorom, on the contrary, I can only advice you based upon what I read of your work when you post it here. The one who knows the requirements of the study plan best would be you. You are the one who knows the most about your community and its related health problems. I have already pointed you in the direction that can best help you to come up with a new, more efficient, and applicable study plan. Just like Messal said, my instructions are clear. You just need to take a breath, relax, and clear your head. Try to develop a new study plan using the instructions provided. You really cannot use this current version of the essay even as a foundation for your new essay. You have to develop a new one that better addresses the prompt requirements. You still have time to do this. Just do your best to come up with a new plan. I will still be here to help you review it. You are not alone. I can help you, but you need to try to work this out from your end.

Writing Feedback / task 2 ielts - celebrity's privacy; should every rumour of the famous be published by media? [5]

To, are you sure that you copied the prompt requirement properly for your essay? The reason that I ask is that the prompt requirement you were given discusses the same point in two different ways. Therefore, there is no supporting and opposing view to be discussed. The sentiment that the press must not be allowed to publish the private lives was said twice. I believe that the opposing view should have been indicated in the essay in order to create the correct prompt instruction. Since this essay has been discussed before in this forum, I would like you to refer to the correct prompt:

Some people believe that media (such as newspapers) should be allowed to publish information about the private life of people. Others say that people have a right to privacy and the issue must be controlled or even stopped. Discuss both views.

Prompt issues aside, I have to point out that your essay is very badly developed. You have incomplete sentences and stressful sentences that do not allow the reader to accurately get an idea as to the message you are trying to convey. That is why I do not want to score this essay at the moment. I want to be sure that you are responding properly to the prompt and that you have the chance to revise your essay to be more prompt adherent if necessary.

Keep in mind, you are discussing a personal opinion when the prompt is simply asking you to discuss both point of views. Therefore, if this essay were to be scored, it would most likely get a 0 because you did not manage to discuss the essay based on the prompt requirements. You were to only discuss both sides, without offering your own judgement. A third person point of view discussion was required.

Scholarship / My experiences as a student and professional. Letter of Self-Introduction KGSP [7]

Julian, the KGSP scholarship gives extra consideration to the applicants who can manage to show academic excellence and leadership abilities in his home country. Therefore, you need to beef up your application in the academic excellence department, at the very least. You seem to have a host of accolades from your university when you were a student and you also won some competitions during that time. It would be in your best interest to be highly specific in this instance. Name the contest, the year you participated, the position you won, and what the outcome of such a winning was for you. That way the reviewer will know that you are not just an average applicant who does not have a clear career path. I also applaud you for having a more unique way of discussing your interest in Korean culture. By indicating a connection with your college major and your profession, you are sure to somehow stand out from the pack of applicants. Excellent work in that respect.

Undergraduate / Me, as a part of the strategic planning board of one of the multinational corporations [14]

Okay, this version should be good enough to use with your essay. It complies with the remaining requirements that need to be reflected or described in order for the reviewer to get an idea of the kind of leader you can be in the future. I believe that the whole essay is now in its final form. So you should be able to use it with your application now. I don't see how else it can be improved. You have done your best. Your intentions are clear and your sentiments are unquestionable in the essay. Don't worry about the content anymore. It is in a form that can best represent your voice based upon the prompt requirements at the moment. I am not advising you to correct any grammar mistakes because those mistakes represent who you are. They do not distract from the meaning or message of your response so it is best to leave it alone. The reviewer needs to get a clear idea as to how you conduct yourself in the English language and this is the best preliminary introduction he can get from you. The rest will be up to the reviewer's consideration now. Good luck with your application. I know you have a chance just like the other applicants do.

Scholarship / Academic Interests Essay (Scholarship) - to pursue a degree in political science [5]

Oops! You were going great there for a moment then you totally went rogue with your discussion. You went from academic (class subjects and the organization your teacher set up) , to totally extra curricular and unrelated with the discussion of wanting to run for state senate and admiring a senator from Hawaii. Those are definitely information not required by the prompt. If you wish though, you can further discuss how your being a migrant relates to the academic interests and how that history has helped shaped the person you are today. Basically the discussion would represent your academic side, in relation to a personal side, that combines to create the interests that shaped your future, So the revision should show only 2 things, your academic enlightenment and its relation to your being a migrant. I hope you can revise the essay to reflect that.

Graduate / Master of Public Health SOP: refugee beginnings to HPM aspirations (Reproductive/Maternal health) [2]

SamY, the anecdote is too long. It is not something that actually helps to increase the interest in your essay because this is the story of your cousin. In fact, the essay would be better off if you did not include the anecdote at all. If you want to make this a properly informative statement of purpose, I suggest that you do the following revisions to your content.

1. Indicate what your current line of work is and how it is relevant to your interest in public health. Include relevant public health experience. Do not enumerate all of them, just include the top 2 most impressive experience that you can share.

2. Explain the specific public health problem that you hope to be able to address upon your MPH graduation.
3. Describe how the university you have chosen to attend can help you to attain your study objectives / study plans.
4. Discuss how you hope to apply what you have learned and in what manner upon graduation.
5. Conclude by reiterating your desire to attend the university. Strengthen your intention by indicating how you are interested in being mentored by certain professors or attending specific classes that you feel will best suit your academic intentions.

The SOP doesn't need to be as wordy and long as your current essay. It has to be kept short but informative. No more than 750 words at the most. That will make the essay informative and highlight your abilities as a professional and masters degree student.

Writing Feedback / PTE: Over a billion adults legally smoke tobacco. The long term health costs are high - for smokers [8]

Ethan, if I were the examiner scoring this test, the overall score would be 0. Why do I believe that you would fail the test? While it may be open to interpretation, it is my opinion that the prompt was asking you to choose one side of the issue presented for complete discussion, with evidence, in the response essay. What you did was a compare and contrast discussion instead. If you review the prompt, the keyword that tells you that you should be presenting only one side for discussion in the essay is the word "or". Therefore, you were being asked to make a decision and discuss that decision in the essay. Since you did not discuss the essay properly, the response had to be scored 0 in all 7 aspects of scoring.

Undergraduate / "Youth connectors of future" Program by Swedish Institute. [5]

Shamsher, it would be best to immediately open the essay by presenting the first foundation that you worked with for the betterment of the community. I believe that it is best that you use that format because the first paragraph that you have is a redundancy of the information that you present for each individual organization that you spent time volunteering with. So, rather than fill the essay with repetitive content, it would be best for you to instead, present the specific cause that the organization relates to, your work with them, and your future plans, on an individualized basis. Then, in your closing statement, make a collective declaration of a united ambition that you have for your country that you hope to achieve through your work with those and more foundations in the future. That makes the essay close on an impressive and strong message.

Undergraduate / Essay for Yale Young Global Scholars summer program [6]

Good work Marianne! This is the concluding paragraph that you should definitely use in the essay. It provides the idea that you have been completely shaped by your heritage, upbringing, and life experiences. This is a pretty solid essay as of now. As far as I am concerned, you don't need to adjust anything else nor add more information to the essay. This is the version that, when put together, turns into the final copy that you should submit along with your other documents. At this point, you should just proof read the document for any possible spelling errors or punctuation mistakes. I did not see any when I reviewed your work so you will most likely not find any either. Good luck with your application.

Undergraduate / Young entrepreneur experiences - FIT entrance essay [5]

Hope, I am wondering if you are not putting too much on the plate of the reviewer here. You seem to have a finger in every pie in terms of production design and yet, you have indicated an actual focus for your interest in the course. If you want to be a production design major, you should let the reviewer know that you are focused on one aspect of the business you started in relation to it. Either you are into the fashion side, the bag design field, or the arts and crafts area. You need to present a focused interest because, just like any start up company, you will lose when you try to do way too many things at once. So, while I do not advice you to remove any aspect of the early development of your career, you should, by now, have an idea as to which aspect of the company you would want to focus on in relation to your major. After all, you may be a jack of all trades, but you must master one. It will be such a waste if you truly are a "jack of all trades, master of none". Try to focus the essay on the field of business that your sister will probably be most comfortable having you handle, production wise then focus on that for the essay.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Master of Science in Business Analytics at George Washington University [2]

Ran, work in the reference to your current firm into the current second paragraph. That will allow the introduction to immediately show that you have a current career path that will benefit from the masters degree studies. Don't delve too much on the explanation of your work as an intern. That is taking up too much space and removes the focus from the prompt requirement that needs you to show the connection between your career realizations through your work experience, and what the masters degree course can actually do to help you advance your knowledge and allow you to grow your career upon graduation. Your final statement about the upcoming anniversary of your internship is irrelevant. It does not offer any new information as to how your studies will fit into your career plan. Instead, you are discussing how your studies will benefit from your career experience instead. That is the opposite of the prompt requirement.

Graduate / Essays for an application to school program - set-back experienced [2]

Sara, we have a one essay per thread policy in this forum which is strictly implemented so I will only be responding to the first essay in your presentation. You have to post the 2nd prompt as a separate, new thread in order to get any advice for that one. Sorry about that. We need to focus on only one essay per thread so that you can get the best advice possible for each work you ask us to consider helping you with.

In relation to the setback essay, I think that you do not understand what the concept of a setback is. A setback is defined as

" something that happens that delays or prevents a process from developing"

The essay that you are presenting does not indicate any setback experienced. Rather, it shows how you have been undecided about what kind of future you dream of having for yourself when you realized that the dream would not be easy to achieve. That is not to be confused by a setback. An example for a setback discussion in this essay would be not getting into your dream school. That is a setback. So you ended up going to your second choice school. All the while working towards getting the grades and other qualifications that would help you get into your school of first choice upon your second application.

Neither does the essay qualify as a difficult situation because the situation described is just you deciding to change college majors and not being able to decide which one would be best for you. I am afraid that your essay will not work for the prompt requirements. Please consider the definition of a setback as I indicated above and try to present an essay that leans more towards that definition. That is the kind of essay that this paper requires.

Essays / Proposed research: ELEMENTS THAT DECREASES UNWANTED PREGNANCIES IN RURAL AREAS [8]

Okorom, you are being asked to present your plan of study in this essay. Unfortunately, you were not able to accurately present that in this version of your essay. This is not an essay that you can use for this application because it does not present the necessary requirements for the reviewer to consider. When presenting a study plan, you have to first, explain the problem that your country faces that you hope to resolve with the help of advanced studies. So the thesis statement for this study plan needs to properly reflect the problem you wish to resolve. Then, expand on your presentation by indicating the kind of research work that you hope to accomplish while a student at this university. Explain the end result that you hope to achieve by the end of your studies. Then , if applicable, explain the kind of job that this research can help you achieve upon your return to your country. As I am not sure about the applicability of that part of the prompt to your essay, you can decide if that is a necessary part of your essay presentation.

This essay should be presented more in the form of a research proposal rather than this confused format that you currently have going. This is not a formal legal document so there is no need to attest to the content of your essay. Neither is it a statement of purpose so you can avoid that presentation. Follow the format of a research proposal instead. That should work best for this essay.

Undergraduate / I belong to the community of honor guard members [5]

Cheng, before you launch into the discussion of the way the honor guard functions as a team and as a family, it would be in the best interest of your essay for you to first explain what the honor guard is all about. Is it a club? A committee? An organization? What are the basic or core functions of the guard and what makes membership in it special? That is, aside from your personal opinion of what makes it special. By creating a better introduction for the honor guard community, you will be able to better reflect the subtle reasons as to why your membership in this committee is notable and worthy of presentation in this essay. That will also deflect the statement you made about not having a title in the group. Actually, there was no reason for you to have said that because the prompt is not fixated in the title that you have but rather the kind of membership and participation that you have in the group. That is regardless of rank and privilege. The rest of the essay delivers all of the required prompt elements so you don't need to revise those parts anymore.

Scholarship / Brown Fellows Program draft to pursue a leadership project [11]

Shivi, you need to review the corrections that I indicated in the previous thread. You missed a few of the points I highlighted. This essay is actually almost ready to use. The only remaining part to complete will be the grammar corrections I listed in my previous response. Apply all of the corrections. Double check the correction instructions after you complete the missing corrections. Once you see that you have completed all of the changes required, the essay will be ready for submission. I don't see any other aspect that can be changed, improved, or replaced. This is the best essay that you can submit to the reviewer. Rest assured that you have done your best and your hard work is reflected in the research proposal you developed. I wish you the best. Do let us know how the application goes for you.

Writing Feedback / Family, television and friends are important factors in child's development. Task 2 ielts [4]

I am not sure what you mean by your first sentence. There is a lacking subject in it. Care to give it another try? I am more than happy to explain anything to you, provided I can understand what your question is. Right now, I am not sure what the purpose of the first sentence is so I would really appreciate a clarification on your part. Did you accidentally use a period when you meant to use a comma to present your thoughts? If you did, then you have to be more careful next time and make sure that you do not accidentally present incomplete sentences. Most specially in your practice tests. That will definitely be a major problem for your score if you happen to do that in the actual test.

Now, if you really want a run down of your scores, per scoring criteria, it would most likely be as follows:

Task accuracy - 4 - this is due to the fact that you did not cover all of the necessary points as indicated in the prompt. This includes the lack of individually discussed pro, con, and opinion issues in the essay.

Coherence & Cohesiveness - 4 - you could have done a better job in explaining the issues on hand if you had followed the format suggested by the prompt instructions for your paragraph discussion presentations.

Lexical Resource - 4 - you are using simple and basic English words which does not show a more advanced grasp of the language. This also proves a limited ability to use English in word formations since you opted to discuss the topic in simple English terms.

Grammar Range and Accuracy - 4 - While the sentence development is acceptable, there are some problems in the way that you developed the presentation of the sentence. This led to a limited range of sentence structures on your part which resulted in the low score.

Don't lose heart. Just keep on applying the corrections you receive in your essays in your future practice tests. I am sure you will only improve from this point on. It is the only thing that can happen for as long as you keep the faith.

Essays / An interesting PhD topic for Translation Studies [3]

Reem, as you said you only bumped into a posting about this topic, I cannot really be of help to you. You see, we deal with dozens of essays everyday, hundreds per month that I can no longer recall which topic might have led you here. It would be in your best interest to tell us what the purpose of your research is and what the basis of your information has to be so that we can further assist you. Are you asking us to suggest possible topics for your research paper? If so, what is the major focus of your study? I realize that you mentioned areas of interest to you but since I have no idea what your possible thesis statement is, I can't be of much help. Our forum doesn't really help in developing dissertation proposals so I am not quite sure what kind of help in particular you need from me.

Undergraduate / Me, as a part of the strategic planning board of one of the multinational corporations [14]

Infrastructure refurbishment sounds too broad in this paragraph. Please narrow it down to the particular community or national infrastructure projects that Siemens can help with. For example, expanding the telecommunications services in the countryside or developing a more reliant internet service infrastructure, or something along those lines. The paragraph is already good. You just need to further develop a more solid reference to the possible contribution the company can make to the community or national government as their contribution to the betterment of our world or your country. That should be easily accomplished with one or 3 lines of explanation on your end. The explanation should still be part of the closing paragraph that you have presented above.

Scholarship / Brown Fellows Program draft to pursue a leadership project [11]

I proofread your paper and came up with the following corrections. I hope it helps.

In paragraph one, you used the word "most" which indicates a plural form so the word "part" should also be in the plural form "parts". The last sentence should state "... over the course of four summers" instead. In the next paragraph, correct the first sentence to say "... will be conducted over a period of summers". From this point on, you should use the future tense for your descriptive words as these are all actions that are still to take place. It is something to be done in the future, hence the future tense for the words must be constantly used. Give an explanation of the property division law and its relevance to your anti-dowry campaign as well. The reviewer has no idea what you are talking about so you have to enlighten him about that law in relation to your project plans. Be consistent in writing the name of your organization. Remember the capitalization rules for proper nouns and stick with it. About microfinancing, you should revise the sentence to indicate "I intend to assist women through microfinancing..." I don't think you mean to say "sorry age". I think you meant "Dowry age"? You plan to create "a dowry-free country..."

Writing Feedback / Family, television and friends are important factors in child's development. Task 2 ielts [4]

To, your introductory paragraph lacks a reference to your personal opinion as a part of the forthcoming discussion in the essay. Therefore, your task accuracy is incomplete as the opening statement carries a significant weight of the scoring system. When you miss something in the paraphrasing of the prompt requirement, you automatically lose points as that shows a clear lack of understanding of the prompt instructions.

The lack of reference to the personal opinion made the essay discuss the prompt improperly, That is because you are expected to show a completely developed paragraph that discusses Point A, then another paragraph for Point B, then finally, a paragraph dedicated to your personal opinion. As it is, the essay does not clearly define whose opinion is being presented due to lack of clarity in your summary statement.

You need to clearly state, within the first sentence of the new paragraph, if you are discussing the point of view about parents, school and friends, or your personal opinion. That recognition will show that you know how to coherently and cohesively discuss the topics presented. As there are missing elements in this essay, I believe that you overall score cannot be higher than a 4 overall.

Undergraduate / I belong to the community of honor guard members [5]

Cheng, kindly provide a complete copy of the prompt you are responding to. I'm an unclear as to the purpose of your response and its relevance to the prompt. The instructions from the university will allow me to review your response regarding appropriateness and relevance to the prompt expectations. You did good work on the development of the essay content. Though the grammar problems do exist, I would not worry about it for now. The content and word structure will still change as you edit and revise the essay. That means the essay has plenty of room for improvement. The essay has potential so hopefully, this will just require limited editing and revision based upon the prompt demands. I hope you can post the prompt soon so we can offer you a better review of your work.

Graduate / My idea about petroleum. Personal Statement for Graduate Admission [8]

For your extra curricular activities, try to go beyond the simple explanation and common relaxation activities that you mention here. Usually, the reviewers look for community service based extra curricular activities such as volunteer programs, service to the community, or other similar acts. While you have reported a real presentation of your activities, it's a bit too self centered and doesn't show how you might be a beneficial member of Britain should you be be admitted to the university. The same goes for your interest in studying in Britain. Go beyond the social life and explain why you would be academically stunted if you posted higher studies in your home country. The explanation regarding your grades is too short and shallow. You need to better explain the circumstances behind the low grades and how you eventually overcame it. The current essay is getting better. The adjustments to the content should help you improve it even more. Don't worry about send structure and grammar problems for now. Focus on perfecting your message first. The grammar correction is the last of your worries at the moment because of the constant content changes you are making. Do that in the final stage of editing.

Scholarship / Brown Fellows Program draft to pursue a leadership project [11]

Shivi, what I mean by "big ticket items" is that you need to explain any projects that you plan to implement through your foundation. Like, if you collect funds, you can say that will you use it to offer loans to women of sorry age so they can take care of themselves without having their families sell them to men. Or you can start a safe house for your project to project women who ran away to avoid dowry marriages. The funds, and part of your summer project will be to start training programs so they can learn skills that will help them support themselves. These are projects you can also do in cooperation with other foundations in forms of partnerships. You may need to adjust certain content of paragraphs in your essay to prevent these information in an accurate and impressive manner.

Writing Feedback / Around the world people are working more than ever. Is spending more time at work beneficial? [3]

Luong, you have written an extremely well researched essay. Normally, I would congratulate you on such a well written paper. However, the sheer amount of research that you put into this essay tells me that there is no way you would be able to write this well in an actual test. For one thing, the essay is too long and contains academic information. A TOEFL or IELTS test mostly asks you to rely on your practical knowledge of a topic in order to write your essay due to time constraints when taking the test. During the actual test, you will not be allowed to use outside sources as the system will be locked to the LAN of the testing center. Therefore, while you wrote a very good essay, you did not write an essay that simulates the actual exam experience and as such could result in you failing the test if you continue to practice the tests using non-existent sources in the exam center.

Another note for you is the way that you presented your paraphrased prompt. In trying to show the reviewer that you have an extensive English vocabulary, you ended up presenting the same side of the discussion rather than presenting one supporting and one opposing side in the paraphrasing of the prompt requirement. That was an oversight on your part and should easily be resolved in your succeeding tests if you remain conscious of the fact that you need to present 3 opinions in total (pro, con, personal) for a successful essay.

Undergraduate / Essay for Yale Young Global Scholars summer program [6]

Hi Marianne. Yes, the paragraph is clearer now and the intention on your part is felt as honest and a part of your personality. However, your final paragraph still needs additional work. I think you missed that part in my last advice. I asked you to create a more sound concluding statement for your essay that will convince the reviewer that your life experiences have helped you become a citizen of the world who is interested in helping to create a united world sans any borders of race, religion, and political beliefs. Your line about being a "human of this world" is a strong phrase that you should build upon in your conclusion as part of the basis of your dreams and ambitions in life that have helped shaped the person you have become. So the paragraph about the Mayan girl is finalized. Work on the concluding statement now.

Undergraduate / Me, as a part of the strategic planning board of one of the multinational corporations [14]

Multinational corporations usually have some sort of community, national, or international contribution towards the betterment of a particular cause, organization, or sense of moral right. Usually, they have outreach programs which the company sponsors to help in these charitable or community improvement activities. The prompt directs you to indicate or explain how your company can make such a contribution in the future. Being a part of a multinational company, specifically, the planning committee, you may have the opportunity to help direct the company towards contributing to the betterment or improvement of a community or a international cause. At this point, you may need to look into the various charitable activities that the company sponsors.

If you can find out what charity work the company is involved in, then you can make a suggestion, as part of the planning committee, as to how the company can use their influence either through sales, information sharing, or sponsorship for the benefit of a community or international cause. For example, Microsoft sponsors anti-Malaria programs in African nations, that is a contribution that the company makes to an international community What similar program does your company have where you can participate by offering leadership skills? As a strategic planner, you will have the opportunity to do so. It is the 'how" that the reviewer wants to know about.

Writing Feedback / Researching the Internet - I practice for my TOEFL writing [5]

Thuy, this is a very interesting essay that readers can benefit from. The only drawback to the work that you did is that your vocabulary is faulty most of the time. I guess this is because of English being your second language. Don't worry though, you can still improve in that aspect. You can start improving your vocabulary by using the online grammar exams that are free to most users. These tests will help you learn the differences between the various tenses of words that are commonly used in TOEFL writing.

On a personal level, you should also try to read English dictionaries, I do not mean the online ones. I mean the actual dictionary, no matter how thin or thick the pages may be. Why do I advice you to do that? One of the flaws of ESL writers is that there is a tendency to use a word out of context. Meaning you are using a word without actually knowing the meaning so it creates a faulty sentence when you use it in your test. By reading a dictionary, you will learn the correct meaning of words, how it is used in a sentence, and when or when not to use it in your written work. Through repetition, you will also remember the words that you are reading along with its correct spelling and word meaning which will help you create more grammatically and vocabulary accurate essays.

Scholarship / My experience that have elicited the most of my personal growth [4]

Akash, if you will just remove the first two sentences of your statement response, you will end up with a more relevant response to the essay. While the essay remains highly academic in presentation, it does represent your personal growth through a highly influential event in your life. That can be considered a serious factor that could have helped to shape the person that you have become. The hopes and dreams that you discuss are not selfish. Rather, it presents a selfless personality that hopes to help change the world through health improvements in a particular field of medical science. It is a unique essay that presents a less than common response to a prompt that could have been taken for granted in the way a response is written. Make the correction I suggested and then submit this essay with your other documents. It should work perfectly well for your purpose.

Graduate / My idea about petroleum. Personal Statement for Graduate Admission [8]

Olawale, review the prompt requirements. You have not properly reflected the necessary information as dictated by the university for this essay. You are solely focused on the academic development of your interest in this particular course. However, the university is asking you to discuss more than just your academic interests. You are to also discuss some non-academic information such as your extra curricular activities, and non-academic achievements. That will include your participation in community organizations or volunteer activities in clubs or other related organizations. You also do not explain why you have chosen to come to Britain to study. In addition to that, you are also to explain why you have chose this university in particular, in a greater detail than the after thought that you wrote towards the end of the essay. This is a highly incomplete essay that cannot be used for your application. You will need to review the prompt requirements and make sure that you reflect a response to each criteria in at least one paragraph each before this can even be considered a rough draft response for editing.

Letters / A most undervalued candidate misjudged by many of his counterparts - recommendation letter [2]

Ashwin, you need to clarify paragraph 2 of this letter of recommendation. It is highly confusing and doesn't really make any sense to the reader because of the confusing sentence development method. What exactly are you trying to say here? Please double check your spelling as you misspelled the word "candidate". Do us a favor and run the spellchecker on this letter. Make sure that you spelled all the important words properly because the professionalism of your letter depends upon it. Right now, this letter has to many sentence structure problems that lead to very confusing paragraphs

In paragraph 3, the mentor should not be discussing your work experience in the UK. He should not have information regarding that as he was not in the country to watch how you worked there. This letter has obviously been written by you and not by a person in authority who actually can judge your character and work ethic. The reviewer will see that and immediately disregard this letter of recommendation as a fake letter. Most specially since it is making a plea for financial assistance in the end. No professionally written letter, as completed by someone of higher authority and education than you would have done such a thing.

This is a very bad letter of recommendation. It is obviously not written professionally, nor written by someone who truly mentored you. This letter will not help you get into your choice of university. Instead, it will put your whole application into question and most likely, lose you the opportunity for admission consideration.

Before I forget, please make sure that the writer identifies himself at the start of the letter. Reflect his name and position in the company and make sure to indicate that his relationship with you as a superior official is still ongoing.

Undergraduate / Essay for Yale Young Global Scholars summer program [6]

Marianne, there is a little bit of confusion in the latter part of your essay. When you speak of your trip to Mexico, I think that you should explain a bit about why you were mistaken for a Mexican by the Mayan girl. I mean, you already told us that you have Chinese heritage so that typically puts a Chinese looking person in the imagination of the reviewer. Then all of a sudden you get mistaken for a Mexican. Why is that? I believe that you should explain how the confusion happened in order to further illustrate how you are a person of the world and why you are not shaped by the physical features or other factors related to the impression one can make of a person based on first impressions or features. In the last paragraph, don't say "I think". You need to have conviction in that statement. Make the reviewer believe that you are confident in the person you have become because of these life exposures and experiences.

Essays / Proposed research: ELEMENTS THAT DECREASES UNWANTED PREGNANCIES IN RURAL AREAS [8]

Okorom, I am not sure how you expect us to help you complete your study plan. You have not written any essay that we can analyze and help you in developing. I hope you are not expecting us to write this essay for you. That is not how this forum functions. You have to write something in order for us to help you. You are the one who is familiar with your career path, necessary academic training, and other requirements of the job and studies that you wish to pursue. Write something, no matter how limited in relation to the prompt. We need a starting point coming from you that can allow us to help you improve the content of your application paper. Since you have a time limited deadline, I suggest you get to work. Like I said, we don't write the essay for you here. We just assist you with finalizing it.

Writing Feedback / As the proverb goes "Union is strength", we owe to co-operating for our existence. [4]

Adam, the overall score for your essay will only fall in the band score of 4 at the most. At least that is my opinion. The reason that I believe you cannot score higher than that is because, while your task accuracy is acceptable, the method of your discussion causes confusion and stress for the reader. While you do present some good points for discussion your written work, the faulty construction of your sentences, limited lexical resource, and grammar problems totally dragged down the potential of your essay to become a well written and coherently developed essay with a cohesive presentation. I am guessing that this is your first attempt at writing a Task 2 essay right? Therefore, I am confident that, with the proper guidance and encouragement, you will be able to show improvement in your written work with your future essays. Just keep writing, don't stop or lose heart. You will get better at this. We will help you do that.