Essays / Human rights law Essay help with title [8]

Greetings!

Let's break this down into simpler pieces, shall we? When you take away everything but the very essence of the question, it says: "Determine how well the U.N. Security Council has done its job of promoting and protecting human rights." In other words, the Council is supposed to maintain peace; part of this job is protect the rights of people. Does it work?

To answer this question, you would give examples in your essay of what the U.N.S.C. has done to protect people's rights, and also where it has failed; your thesis would take a position on one side or the other: "the U.N. has worked effectively to promote and protect human rights" or, "it has not" and give examples of why you believe this to be true.

I hope this clears it up for you somewhat!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay topic -Colonization,Conquest, Commerce,Civilization,Christianity [4]

Greetings!

All of those factors seem appropriate, but the first three might be the best, if I had to choose. In terms of history, conquest came first, followed by colonization and commerce. It might work best to discuss it as an historical progession.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'Human beings and the sense of dictatorship' - freshman in highschool essay [2]

Greetings!

Well, it is certainly a unique piece of writing! I would classify it as "experimental" writing. Since I'm not sure of the purpose for which it was written, I can't tell you how well it fulfills that purpose. I will admit, though, that it didn't make much sense to me. I found the first sentence completely incomprehensible. It's hard to tell, but I'm reasonably sure you meant "there" in this sentence: "flabbergasted at the fact it's not their," There are many places where you have commas or no punctuation where a period would normally be expected to go. A certain amount of that is all right in experimental writing, but too much makes the piece very difficult to read.

I commend your creativity; you are definitely writing outside the box! Just remember that if the object is to intrigue your readers, the piece has to make enough sense to them to hold their attention. Just something to think about. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A university plans to develop a new research center in your country. . [2]

Greetings!

You make some persuasive points in your essay! I have some suggestions for editing your essay:

I am not an economist . So I can not argue about this subject scientificaly. - It would be better to make this one sentence. "I am not an economist, so I cannot argue about this subject scientifically."

Goverment opposes with globalization .- I'm not sure what this means. Perhaps you mean to say the government opposes globalization?

Tehran is capital of iran that have 12 million people whereas iran has 60 million people. - This is not grammatically correct. Say, "Tehran is the capital of Iran; it has 12 million of the country's 60 million people."

You have quite a few misspelled words. Be sure to run your essay through a spell-checker.

Best of luck with your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Rain - Richard Rive. Essay on a short story we did in my English Studies class [3]

Greetings!

I think you've done an excellent job of describing the story and the symbolic references in it! (I particularly like your last metaphor about the knot!)

I have a few small editing suggestions:

While I like the way you begin with the quote about the rain, I think your next sentence could be stronger, perhaps like this: "Richard Rive uses graphic elements like the pouring rain to create atmosphere and a bond between the reader and the characters. The one element that reverberates throughout the essay is the rain."

"The silence of his character emphasizes the dislike one develops for [not in] him."

The naming of his character is also very ironical, because Joseph was the earthly father of Christ and thereforeit's a very religious name and doesn't really fit the image of a street rat. - It might be better to say something like "the religious overtone of the name is in marked contrast to Joseph's image as a street rat."

I'd remove the parentheses here: (Once again the rain is part of the character: Joseph desperately kicking in the swollen gutters, (Pg. 85) as if trying to get rid of something) and put a period at the end of the sentence.

Joseph and Siena met in a church which emphasizes [rather than adds up to] the irony and which leads to the question whether he really is such an obscure character. - I'm not sure I understand your point about the question of his obscurity.

The only other suggestion I would make is that you put a little more emphasis, especially toward the beginning of your essay, on the elements of a short story. The instructions emphasize this up front, so you want to make sure you are presenting them clearly. The assignment appears to be as much an analysis of the elements of a short story as an analysis of this story, and how "Rain" employs them.

I would not have guessed that English is not your first language. I think your writing is very good!

Please let me know if I can help you further.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Letters / Resume International Grad Student [3]

Greetings!

I think you have done an outstanding job with your resume! While it would probably be just fine as it is, I have a couple of suggestions for you to consider:

The "Objective" normally appears as the first item on the resume, rather than below "Education." Even though this is for an internship, I think it would make more sense for your Objective to go up top.

My other suggestion is a judgment call about the placement of your comma. Reasonable minds might differ, but I would place it here:

To obtain an internship position within a research organization where I can integrate the knowledge gained through my coursework with the practical aspects of the survey research process, grounded within real substantive social issues.

When I first read the sentence, the word "grounded" confused me just for a second until it slipped into context for me. The comma will break up the long sentence. You really don't need a comma after "organization" in my opinion.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Do Song Lyrics Affect the Brain? [3]

Greetings!

You are looking at having to do a rush job on both research and writing. Fortunately, we have a couple of articles with info that can help you crank it out in time! Have a look at these:

"The Last Minute: How to Write Good Essays When Time is Short"

"4 Lazy Students: How to Write a Research Paper Without Doing Research?"

More info can be found on our "Free Essays and Articles" page.

Best of luck!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay about a young woman [2]

Greetings!

What an excellent and compelling essay! I love the dramatic opening! I think you did an outstanding job and there is little here to critique, other a few very minor word choice edits:

a young woman clad in only a [not "an"] tattered summer dress and sandals steps off a plane landing at John F. Kennedy Airport not knowing what is to become of her future.

every obstacle that [not "she"] has come her way

We almost [delete always] never agree on anything.

life's ambiguity. -- would be better to say "ambiguities."

I could have not asked for a better influence [omit "d"] than that.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / history or mathematics? [3]

Greetings!

You make some good points in your essay! It just needs a bit of tweaking. I've made quite a few small edits within the parts in bold:

I do not agree with this opinion. I think that each course has its own advantages for students. Students usually learn different courses with diverse subjects in schools. They study history and literature as well as mathematics and geometry, superficially.

But nowadays that science grows enormously, one person can not specialize in one or two aspect of science . - Besides being somewhat ungrammatical, this does not make sense. Doesn't the fact that there is now so much more known science mean that one person has to specialize? You seem to contradict yourself in the next sentence.

So, when students study diverse courses superficially they should select one of them and study more about that in university.I think this method has at least two advantages. Firstly, when students study different courses in school they gradually understand what they are interested in so they can study those subjects more intently.

Secondly, when one person spends his/her time on one aspect of science he/she can learn more about that and maybe invent new things or methods in that field. Natural and mathematical siences are very important . People could not produce electricity, build huge airplanes, machines, etc., without relying on science. But this does not mean that literature and history are not important. History and literature are our heritage from our ancestors and if we do not understand the past very well we cannot have a bright future.

You do a good job of addressing why it is important to study science and math. However, you say little about history and literature and don't really explain why we can't have a "bright future" without them. You might want to expand on this a bit.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / ANALGY; Composition class [2]

Greetings!

I think perhaps you got off to a bad start with your essay's opening and it somewhat colored your instructor's view of the rest of the essay. I found the first sentence almost incomprehensible; it came off as a bit pretentious. I have to say I agree with him that you did not really follow the assignment, though I did like your analogy. If the assignment had just been to write an analogy, you would probably have gotten a good grade! But "two topics within education or school" means just that, and you do have only one topic about school. Instructors get cranky when you don't follow directions, sadly.

If you'd like to post your next assignment for editing help before you turn it in, I'd be happy to help!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Community college student essay - asking for a little feedback [2]

Greetings!

You have a good essay here, with lots of important information! Your opening sentence is good; it briefly states the problem you will be addressing. The second sentence is a good follow-up. The third sentence in the opening paragraph is out of place; it should be farther down in the body of the essay. You also need a strong thesis statement in the opening paragraph that takes a position which your paper will address. It could be something like "America needs to address the housing problem for community college students with a federally-subsidized program to help its future tax-payers live in decent, affordable apartments." You would then go on to explain why this program is needed by showing how limited the options are for community college students.

You end the essay with two questions. What you need in the closing paragraph is to summarize the main points of your essay and re-state your thesis with slightly different wording.

Here are a few more editing suggestions:

"Today's college student wants to be living on their own, in an apartment or house that is theirs." - It is still not considered standard English to use "they" to refer to one person [here, "student."]. To avoid having to say "his or her" change your subject to plural: "Todays' college students want to be living on their own..."

You inject some humor into your essay with the "carbon dating" and "gym locker" descriptions. Normally, I like to see a little humor in an essay, where appropriate. However, I found this a little jarring because it is in complete contrast to the rest of the essay. If you are going to adopt a humorous or sardonic tone, you need to establish it from the first so that it does not jump out at the reader later as a surprise. :-)

"There are "dream" apartments available for rent, but they are pricey."

"can be transferred to the first month's rent." "...$500 off your first month's rent"

I think you've done a great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / My intro on comparative essay using King Lear and The Tempest [5]

Greetings!

I like your opening sentence. However, the following sentences seem to be a very abbreviated version of the action in the plays; it's sort of like "one-minute Shakespeare" -- you've essentially told the whole story in a few sentences and not left yourself much of anywhere to go. Try to talk a little less specifically about the action, and a little more generally about the use of sex and violence in your opening. I'll give you an example using essentially your words, but without giving away too much detail in the opening:

"Throughout Shakespeare's The Tempest and King Lear, sex and love are brought together with violence, war, and politics. In King Lear, Regan and Goneril, the villains in the play, plot against their, father, King Lear. Their hunger for power leads them into acts of violence and revenge, while their love for Edmund becomes their downfall, leading to a tragic end. In The Tempest, Prospero guards Miranda's virginity with acts of violence and forced servitude to get back his kingdom. In both plays, the characters use sex and violence to get what they want whether for power, love, or politics."

Then, in the following paragraphs, you can go into more detailed anaysis. I hope this is helpful!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Human Trafficking Today's Modern Day Slavery" [2]

Greetings!

You have found a lot of information about a powerful subject. Here are some editing tips:

The most powerful nation to the simplest of nations are not immune from modern day slavery. - Should be "is not immune" because your subject is singular.

Albert, S., Aronowitz, A., Fowke, M., Sarrica, F., Symalzek, J. (2006 p.50)+ - In-text parenthetical citations have their own particular form, which is different from the form used in the References section. Use the authors' last names only, like this: (Albert, Aronowitz, Fowke, Sarrica & Symalzek, 2006.)

57 years after of [typo?] the United Nations Universal Declaration Human Rights that all men and woman are born free and are to have equal rights passed in 1948 (Universal Declaration of Human Rights, 2003). - This is a sentence fragment; also, do not begin a sentence with a numeral; write out the word "Fifty-seven." You do this several times throughout the essay; be sure to correct them all.

A 21 year old Philippine girl tried to get a good job as a dance troupe in Japan. - A "troupe" is, by definition, a group. She tried to get a job "in" or "with" a troupe.

This starts of a form of slavery all on it's own. - The possessive form of "its" does not have an apostrophe.

The shame the young girl feels and the betrayal of her family, because she was raped and is considered dirty. - Sentence fragment.

40 days Florencia was locked up in the factory working long hours finally escaped. - This seems to have some words missing.

These types of conditions are breading grounds for human trafficking. - "breeding"

These conditions alone will be an open a door-for trafficking of humans - I think you meant "will be an open door for"

I'm not sure why your "Garland" entry in the References list has a paragraph of text with it...?

There are many places online where you can get specific instruction on how to cite APA style, with examples which are very helpful.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Orwell's prejudice against the colonized is inexcusableI; Multi-Source Essay [2]

Greetings!

I think you do an excellent job of relating the three essays to the theme of prejudice! I have just a few editing suggestions:

"no one notices them when their alive, and worse still, remembers them when their dead." - In both cases, it should be "they're." Remember, if it means "they are" use "they're." However, in a formal essay, using contractions is generally frowned on, so you might want to go with "they are."

"realizes that the condemned man is no different than him." - It's really never proper to say one thing is different "than" another; it should always be "different from."

Sometimes you use "prejudice" when you mean "prejudiced." For example: "Even when Orwell becomes one of the colonized, he continues to be prejudiced"; "Orwell might not have seen himself as prejudiced" Remember, his prejudice made him prejudiced.

I thought your conclusion did an especially good job of summing up your major points. Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Two different methods of losing weight [2]

Greetings!

You have a good essay here! I just have a few suggestiosns:

My father suggested me exercise plan. - Say, "My father suggested an exercise plan to me."

exercise gives me ability to go through my day - Don't forget articles before nouns: "gives me the ability..."

Every day millions of people spent millions of dollars on weight loss supplement. - You used past tense when you needed present; say "spend" instead of "spent."

Many people break up their exercise throughout the day because they started too fast. - Normally, if you're talking about breaking up exercise throughout the day, it means you exercise for short periods several times a day. That's obviously not what you meant. I think you might be saying "Many people break their exercise routines" which would mean they stop exercising.

You say that your brother was a true example that diet pills work, yet you say he gained the weight back and got health problems from them. That doesn't really sound like a success story to me. He sounds more like a true example of why diet pills don't work.

You are right about your conclusion needing a bit of help. Every sentence in your closing paragraph seems disconnected from the sentence that follows. Your conclusion should sum up all the points you made in the body of your essay. Saying, "It will not magically change persons' life" and "It is a good idea to maintain a healthy weight" may be true, but they are not really what your essay is about; your essay is comparing and contrasting two different methods of weight loss, so stick to that. Your closing should mention exercise and its advantages and disadvantages (you didn't really get into disadvantages but time commitment is one), and diet pills and their advantages and disadvantages.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'Hamlet delays his revenge' - Another Hamlet essay [8]

Greetings!

These are very good questions! Passive voice doesn't have to do with first person vs. third person. A passive voice makes the object of an action into the subject of a sentence. The one performing the action is not the subject of the sentence. Example:

"The ball was thrown by the girl." - The ball is receiving the action, yet it is also the subject of the sentence. Active voice would be "The girl threw the ball." You can put something in first person and still make it passive voice. Passive voice: "I was laughed at by the other students." Active voice: "The other students laughed at me." Passive voice is not ungrammatical, nor is it always wrong. It does have a tendency, though, to weaken your writing and make it less interesting because it removes the reader a step farther from the action.

In rare instances, it may be possible to have both present and past tense in the same sentence, depending on sentence construction and context, but generally not. In the example you gave, all of the words you put in bold are actually in the present tense. The only verb in past tense is "was" in "which was necessary to give the tormented soul repose." It should probably be in the present tense: "Hamlet appears ... demanding ... justice, which is necessary to give the tormented soul repose." You could also re-write it to say "demanding Claudius receive the justice which will give Hamlet's tormented soul repose." That sounds a little smoother.

I hope this clears it up a little, rather than making it more murky!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / All Quiet on the Western Front - Comradeship [2]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to make a few editing suggestions to your excellent essay!

The distinction of the two is born out of the distinction of the circumstances. - say "The distinction between the two ..."; also, it would sound better to say "born out of differing circumstances" rather than using "distinction" twice.

There is lose of identity in war - you mean "loss of identity"

They are now part of a machine that demands them to unite and loose their humanity. - It's "lose thier humanity."

It demands them to not think, question, or believe - it demands them to simply do - Normally, you'd say either "demands of them" or "commands them"; I think "commands" is better here.

they are one in the same. - The expression is "they are one and the same" -- I see this mistake a lot these days for some reason.

For Paul, the war meant renouncing [delete "to"] all that he was and all that he could have been.

I think this is truly outstanding writing! Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Speeches / Making a Good Public Speaking Essay [2]

Greetings!

Yes, I do remember your fine speech! :-) I am not exactly sure what your teacher means by informative instead of detective style, although I could make an educated guess. The usual way to end an essay is to sum up the major points you have made. You would say something like, "Although a bit of advice will not turn an amateur orator into an expert overnight, remembering a few important steps can make a big improvement. Making an outline, using appropriate body language and eye contact, creating a dramatic opening and ending with a memorable motto or suggestion will make a speech on any topic stand out. In short, it is not what you say but how you say it!"

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Undergrad Application - Waterloo, Canada [2]

Greetings!

You've written a fine essay! I have just a few small suggestions for you.

Your essay is very general. "Accounting and Finance" is a fairly broad area; do you have any specific goals about what you'd like to do? Your middle paragraph gets a little more specific, but it's still rather general. What type of painting do you do? What is BIS? Which IT companies have you worked with?

"I want to get the best in what I do." - This is a little awkward-sounding.

As said by Francie Larrieu Smith that "the most important thing about motivation is goal setting" I would be delighted to be accepted by the University as it will help me pursue my goal .- This could be written more smoothly. How about something like this: Francie Larrieu Smith said that "the most important thing about motivation is goal setting." I have set my goals and I look forward to accomplishing them through the University of _____."

Best of luck to you!

Thanks.

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Feedback: An incident report written specifically by a bus driver [2]

Greetings!

You do a good job of capturing the proper tone for this sort of report. If your report is supposed to contain proper spelling, punctuation and grammar, you'll need to make a few corrections.

It was about 5 a.m. and i was driving along the main st. approching toward main st. stop, - "I" should always be capitalized; proper nouns like "Main St." should, also.

when i heard people shouting and screaming "stop the bus, stop the bus", when i looked through the mirror what i found was pretty disturbing. -- A run-on sentence. Better is: "stop the bus, stop the bus!" When I looked in the mirror ..." [one doesn't generally look through a mirror.]

A white male about 6' tall was held down by a group of regular commuters. So i pulled my bus on the side of the road stopped it. Fragment; put a comma after commuters and add "and" after "road."

As i approached to that group and incident as described by almost all of them was pretty shocking. That young thug looked like fella snatched purse from an old women in her 80's and tried to ran away as the bus going to stop. But Luckily intervened by closely standing a young smartian and then held by the group. -- None of these three sentences makes sense. I'm not sure if you're trying to give an abbreviated sort of grammar to simulate a report, or what, but even so, it does not make grammatical sense. Also, I'm guessing you meant "samaritan."

So i called dispatcher, [add comma] described incident and asked him to inform police so that we could turn him in. But as advised by dispatcher i drove my bus to nearby police station, which was only a block away, because the purse snacher wasn't so agrresive and nobody from bus object either. -- This sounds very unlikely to me; I don't think the public would be put at risk like that. Also "aggressive" is spelled wrong.

After turning him in and filling report i proceed to my route. But this whole incident cost 30 min. delay to operation. -- Usually, if you start a sentence with "But" it's going to end up being a sentence fragment, as this is. Leave off the "But" and it'll be all right. To keep your tenses consistent, say "I proceeded ..."

You have a good start here; keep up the good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'Hamlet delays his revenge' - Another Hamlet essay [8]

Greetings!

This brings up an important point regarding plagiarism. Let's compare the two sentences, the one from the web page and the one you have reworded "so it would be my own."

"Polonius, the master of indirection is the one who gives us the explicit description of how this process works."

"Polonius, the master of using 'indirections', give us a vivid description on how deceits can be used to find out the truth."

Just because you change a few words so that it's not an exact match does not mean the idea becomes yours. If you take someone else's idea -- here, calling Polonius the "master of indirection" and saying he "gives us a description" -- then it is plagiarism. A lot of students find this confusing, believing that as long as they have changed a word here and there, it can't be plagiarism. Look at it this way: if someone took something you worked long and hard to write, used your ideas, and changed only an occasional word, then published it as their own without giving you any credit, how would you feel? It can be a fine line sometimes; after all, Polonius is what he is, so if you describe him there are bound to be some similarities to what others have written. But simply describing the same character correctly is not the same thing as using someone else's turn of phrase ("mater of indirection"), and describing what he did in virtually the same way as the source you were using. You could say "Polonius turned indirection into an art form" and it would mean essentially the same thing as saying he was a master of indirection, but without stealing someone else's words. (You may use mine, if you like -- it's okay with permission ;-))

Now, about transitions: it can be something as simple as, "I used this sort of indirection myself when I was in school ..."

Beware of using passive voice: "the answers were switched ... the answers were corrected ..." Better would be "I switched the answers, " etc.

I think you did a good job of transitioning back into Hamlet with "a façade like Hamlet was created" except that it is again in passive voice; also, you tend to leave out possessives entirely. Several times throughout the essay, you say Hamlet when you mean Hamlet's. "Hamlet's main objective"; "Hamlet's 'antic-disposition'."

Go through the essay carefully and make sure you stay in the same tense. Sometimes you use past tense, sometimes present; be consistent.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Can you edit my essay? "Ethics" [2]

Greetings!

I think you have done a very thoughtful analysis of the poem. Good job! I have just a few editing suggestions:

In the poem "Ethics" by Linda Pastan, a thought-provoking look is taken -- You have a tendency to write in the passive voice, something which should be avoided. Instead, say, "In the poem, "Ethics," Linda Pastan takes a thought-provoking look ..."

In lines 4-6, when the question, "Which would you save, a Rembrandt painting / or an old woman who hadn't many / years left anyhow?" is first stated, Paston lets us know that this was a general directed to everyone in the class by saying "our teacher" (line 2). -- I think you left a word out: "question" after "general"? Also, again, passive voice "the question ... is first stated ..."

saying "I," gives herself individuality among the class. -- Say "her" instead of "herself"

the view is no longer held that the question is just a meaningless task to ask the class, she has now realized that she can answer this question, or at least try to -- Passive voice again with "the view is no longer held" -- who held the view? Also, make the first comma a semicolon.

Now, as a thoughtful student who is one step closer to understanding ethics, the circle has shrunk to embody everyone on a more personal basis. -- I'm not sure I understand this; is the circle a thoughtful student?

She no longer sees the teacher as just some random teacher who has to teach everyone in the class. This [make this two sentences] indication of her name may be a way of showing that she got more personal with the teacher or more comfortable in the class; comfortable enough to ask in response to Linda's question, "Why not let the woman decide herself?" (line 14).

It might be in that line that is shows Pastan tried to understand, but even as a more adult person, still did not fully understand ethics. - Check this; I think you have a typo.

It is by remembering her previous thoughts, the way she gives us the theme. It is only by learning, experiencing, and perhaps getting older that give a person the understanding of what ethics really is. -- The first sentence is a fragment; the second is not grammatically correct. Say, "...and perhaps getting older, that a person gains the understanding of what ethics really is."

It's as if she might say the following to a kid trying to help her: "Ma'am, we have to get you out of here." As she responds, "Oh child, do you even know why you're saving me?" -- This is confusing. I think you meant the "Ma'am" line to come from the kid, but you set it up by indicating that the author would be speaking "she might say the following ..." Perhaps you should instead say, "It's as if the following exchange might take place between her and a child who is trying to help her ..."

it is possible that she realized the meaning of ethics doesn't relying on what a person is going to do or not do. -- Probably a typo; "does not rely ..."

I think you've done some excellent work here; great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Child-centred practice ignores the individuality of children's needs. Essay regarding bullying.... [11]

Greetings!

Your paper seems to focus almost exclusively on the importance of implementing procedures to combat bullying. I'm not sure that you have really addressed specifically how child-centred practice "ignores the individuality of children's needs and is impractical for use when responding to bullying in a class room setting." You need to give specific examples of why and how child-centred practice ignores the individual and is impractical -- and, if your research provides you with reasons why those arguments are not true (that is, why it does not ignore the individual and is not impractical), then present them as well.

Hope this clears it up a bit!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'Hamlet delays his revenge' - Another Hamlet essay [8]

Greetings!

The aphorism referes to using deceit to find out the truth.

I found the opening paragraph of your essay rather confusing. "The ghost of Hamlet appears in front of his son, revealing his murderer and catalyzing events that are bound to happen. While questioning his conscience whether to believe the ghost or not, Hamlet has already constructed a plan to prove the ghost's sincerity" -- if Hamlet is the ghost, why is Hamlet trying to decide whether to believe the ghost?

Your essay also seems to be two different essays. It was rather a jolt when, right in the middle of your essay, you were suddenly no longer talking about Hamlet, but about events that happened to you in school. There is no transition, either to get to the paragraphs about the school bullies, or to jump back into Hamlet. If you are supposed to relate this aphorism to your personal life, you need to find a smoother way to work it into your analysis of Hamlet. If that is not a requirement, I'd take it out.

Without even trying, I found a web page which contains some sentences, word for word, that are in your essay; for example, "master of indirection is the one who gives us the explicit description of how this process works." If you use someone else's words, you need to include a citation to the reference, otherwise it is plagiarism.

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / paper on cause and effect (shall I use the metaphor?) [3]

Greetings, Anthony!

There's a way to use that metaphor, but I don't think making an adjective out of it is going to work. "Emotional roller coaster soldiers" just sounds too awkward. Could you say, " ... handling wounded, traumatized, or emotionally-damaged soldiers" and then later refer to them as being on an "emotional roller coaster"? Perhaps like this:

"Our nation's [put an apostrophe] war effort required sufficient means of handling wounded, traumatized, or emotionally-damaged soldiers returning from the war. Many of these soldiers were on an emotional roller coaster, a condition exacerbated by inadequate medical attention."

Let me know if that helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / How to start researching a topic? [5]

Greetings!

Using the proper search terms can make a big difference in how long you spend looking for sources before you can begin writing. Let's see how many relevant terms we can think of. The question asks about boys and girls, school, and family, but these terms are probably too general to be of much use. Making them more specific, we can get: gender, education, child psychology, family dynamics -- and I'm sure there are more. Try using them in various combinations. You can also try running the question itself through a search, using all the words, and see what you get.

Once you've done this, you should have some sources to get started with, whether books, journal articles, or some other source. Those references may lead you to others, too, of course.

See if this helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Emperor Jones' flight is a progress in self-understanding [2]

Greetings!

The thing that stands out the most to me is that you use the thesis statement, "Emperor Jones' flight is a progress in self-understanding," twice -- three times if you count the very first sentence, which is almost the same. Unless your instructor told you to use that statement, ver batim, in both the opening and closing paragraphs, don't -- it's too repetitive.

"The escaping of Emperor Jones is actually a journey of self-understanding." - Don't say "The escaping of"; remember to avoid passive voice. "Emperor Jones' escape allows him to see himself in ways he had never previously imagined" would be one way to say it.

"At the beginning of his flight from the palace, the potential to discover who he is, opened as his views of himself and his ego are shattered in face of events incalculable to Jones." - This is a little long and awkward. How about "The emperor's potential to discover who he really is began with his flight from the palace. His self-image and ego are shattered in the face of catastrophic events he did not anticipate."

"Jones not only encounter the haunting images of two people he killed, but his reoccurring desire for revenge." - Say "encountered" and "recurring."

Symbolic of the similar decision he made earlier in his life, Jones submits to his fears and fired a gunshot to "kill the haunts". - You're using both past and present tense. Stick with one. Put periods inside quotation marks: haunts."

"Each time, Jones' attempted to counter the manifestations by praying ..." - It's not possesive, so you don't need an apostrophe on Jones here.

Your last sentence could perhaps be varied from the earlier statement by saying, "O'Neill emphasized the emperor's evolving self-awareness by providing insight on Jones' conscious ego, "

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Child-centred practice ignores the individuality of children's needs. Essay regarding bullying.... [11]

Greetings!

Well, actually, no, not necessarily. Since the instructions say "Discuss" you should probably present arguments for both sides. However, you should probably take a position on one side or the other; that way, you can present a thesis statement (take a position) and support it with arguments that show why your position is correct and the opposite stance is not.

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "The English Language" - wonderfully rich and eclectic [9]

Greetings!

Your thesis should state an argument and the rest of your paper will be used to support that argument. Here's an idea:

"The English Language" observed Ralph Waldo Emerson, "is the the sea which recieves tributaries from every region under heaven." English, a wonderfully rich and eclectic tongue, has evolved over centuries to become almost a universal language, spanning the globe with its economic and cultural influence. It is precisely because of the tributaries from which English received its beginnings that the language is so popular today. Retaining the simplest and the clearest parts of the languages it is made from, English is a hybrid, the best of the best.

Now, I don't know for a fact that that's true; perhaps the history you've been taught will tell you. I have been told, however, by my Spanish and Portuguese-speaking friends, that English verb forms are much easier. From my own experience, I know that it's much easier not to have to deal with assigning a gender to everything, as those languages and many others, like French and Italian, do. So, I think my argument could probably be supported.

See if that helps you get started!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Tongan Immigration(2nd draft) [2]

Greetings!

This is an interesting essay about a people that most of us know little about! I have a few editing suggestions:

"The village people of Tonga are underway in a transformation that will place an effect across the world." - This sentence, while not actually bad grammar, is rather awkward and confusing. Better might be "The village people of Tonga are undergoing a transformation that affects countries throughout the world."

"Tonga in 1970's" - Say, "Tonga in the 1970s ..."

"the United States also had changed their laws to compensate for the new wave of migrants." - Normally, "migrant" is used to refer to a person who moves around within a country, such a a "migrant farm worker." The terms "migrant," "immigrant," and "emigrant," do not mean precisely the same thing. To "emigrate" is to leave a country, usually one's own, and take up residence in another; "immigration" means to enter and settle in a country that is not your own. Whenever you refer to Tongans who are leaving their country, you should say they are "emigrating." For example, instead of "Tongans are immigrating due to aspirations from the national governments ..." say, "Tongans are emigrating due to inducements from the national government ..."

"It was not uncommon for all of the children in a family to eventually find there home in America." - It's "their" not "there."

"Finally, with all of the requests for family members to make the voyage; immigration became a reality for the villagers that still remained in Tonga." - Use a comma after "voyage" instead of a semicolon. Also, here: "However, it became clear that in order to successfully migrate; [use comma instead] greater amounts of family needed to transfer." Semicolons can only be used between two phrases, each of which could stand on its own as a separate sentence.

"immediate attention to preserve the cultural identity of Tongan's." - Every time you use "Tongans" in the essay, you need to take out the apostrophe. Never use apostrophes to make something plural; they are for making the possessive form ("a Tongan's new life").

"However, in return for there efforts, Tongan-Americans rely on this process" - use "their" instead of "there."

A clear observation of the "Tongan way" can be identified through a case involving ideas fundamental to this belief. This includes a revolution in the production of tapa cloth resulting in half the materials required. By holding on to traditions, the immigrant's demand for traditional wealth has increased resulting in production changes that benefit the village" - This is quite confusing. The "clear observation" is not clear to me. What does "resulting in half the materials required" mean? I think you need to be more specific.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Education-sat practice essay; other than school influences on education? [4]

Greetings!

I'm afraid I'm not that familiar with the SAT essay requirements. If there is a word limit, you might want to make it just a bit shorter than the limit. I have no idea how they grade the essays. All I can advise is to make it the very best you can. If you have room to expand on your skating experiences, that might be good; I'm not sure what distinguishes "artistic" skating (is that as opposed to sport?) and it would be interesting to read more about it. That is the kind of thing that can make your essay stand out.

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Education-sat practice essay; other than school influences on education? [4]

Greetings!

Your essay was short, so I edited all of it for you. I think you do a marvelous job of following the prompt and applying good reasoning to your position. Good work!

Education is not simply an intellectual ability that one achieves at school; it incorporates every facet of one's life that occupies any significant amount of time or importance: a book read, a class drama production, a sport played and any other meaningful experience.

A famous quote says: "you are what you read." That can be considerably true because literature has the power to form opinions which in turn shape lives. Therefore, books and articles read are part of a person's education and formation.

Many times, extracurricular activities mark one's personality as well. I have learned many things from practicing competitive artistic skating. From self-discipline to good sportsmanship to self-esteem, this experience has only enhanced my life with permanent values. These lessons have assisted me in innumerous other situations in my life.

Although when most people speak of education they are simply referring to school classes, education goes beyond that to include someone informed by his or her daily life and personal experiences.

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Child-centred practice ignores the individuality of children's needs. Essay regarding bullying.... [11]

Greetings!

I don't know anything about the subject matter, but I can tell you the method I would use to get started. First I would define what "child-centred practice" is. Then I might describe what sorts of bullying might occur in a classroom setting, in order to define the problem. I would then give specific examples as to how one would apply child-centred practice in that situation and address why that particular method would not be effective in those types of situations. Since your topic talks about "the individuality of children's needs" you should also address what those needs are. Your examples will show how those needs will not be met by child-centred practice techniques.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / 'Hamlet delays his revenge' - Another Hamlet essay [8]

Greetings!

Well, first, let's define the terms. An epigram is any witty, ingenious, or pointed tersely expressed saying. An aphorism is a a short, pithy instructive saying which expresses a general truth. I think "Revenge is a dish best served cold" is more of an aphorism, if I had to pick one.

To me, the phrase means that revenge is better (and more effective) when one gives it some thought, rather than embarking on vengeful acts in the heat of passion. It's not to do with how long the revenge takes to execute. It's more connected to how much thought goes into it before hand, rather than acting impulsively. Did you see the movie "Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan"? In it, Khan quotes that aphorism about revenge; he has spent years plotting his enemies' demise and is very pleased that the time has finally come for his enemies to get what they deserve.

It's not quite accurate to say "the longer the revenge, the sweeter it is" because that implies not that a person has waited a long time for his revenge, but that executing the revenge itself is a long, drawn-out process.

Here are some editing tips:

"Whether we are planning to propose to a love one or executing justice and righteousness upon a wrongdoer." - This is a sentence fragment. Put a comma at the end and connect it to the next sentence.

You have quite a few places where you switch back and forth between present and past tense: "Hamlet is a character that never seeks [present] revenge in the "heat" of the moment; he rather much preferred [past] being calm and seeks [present] his revenge in a more civilized manner." You need to pick a tense and stay with it throughout your essay.

Make sure your subject and verb agree (singular vs. plural). "the spies that were sent by Claudius"

This sentence does not really make sense: " His ideal plan consists when the opposition is not aware of his true intentions and strike when they're least expected."

"Hamlet tries to find the worst fate for his devious uncle possible, through this Claudius will die suffering the rest of his eternity tormented in the netherworld." - A run-on sentence; also, it's a little vague: what was this "worst fate"? How was Claudius to be tormented?

Your last paragraph doesn't really explain how Hamlet got his revenge, how Denmark's "deceitful kingdom" (not a really good description) was eradicated, or why Hamlet's ghost can rest in peace.

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by "relate this in a personal point of view." Do you mean you need to relate it to your own life experiences? You ask how you can make your essay more "critical." I think it could be greatly improved by being more specific when talking about the action in the play. You do it in some places, but in others you become rather vague, especially toward the end.

I hope these comments are useful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / cause and effect essay on the new "Polytrack" or artificial cushon [5]

Greetings!

It would help for me to know how your assignment is worded. Do you have specific instructions?

From what you've said, it sounds to me like you have a good idea and a fair amount of knowledge of the subject matter. Depending on the instructions you have been given, you might want to start with a delineation of the problem -- why is Polytrack needed? -- and then explain what the effect of Polytrack is on this problem.

That's about as much as I can tell you without knowing more about the assignment. I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "Reasons to smoke" I wrote this essay for tommorow's class [2]

Greetings!

It can be a real challenge to write essays in a foreign language. You make some good points in your essay! There are a few places where your grammar is a bit mixed up, though. Here are some suggestions:

"How many people do smoke your around?" - I think you meant "How many people around you smoke?"

"So we were interested to smoke and tried it at balcony, because we bewared Erka's parents." - "We were curious about smoking so we went out on the balcony to try it because we were afraid Erka's parents would catch us."

"I thought I will never again smoke, and I don't use it again." - "I thought, I will never smoke again, and I haven't. "

"in our Mongolia back side of most taxi's window affix cigarette's ads picture" - "in the back window of most Mongolian taxis is a cigarette ad."

"you'll take some small promotion things such as napkin or lighter." - "you'll get some small promotional items such as a napkin or a lighter."

"For other example, " - "As another example,"

"If you watch our Mongolian some comic show, you listen to many times about cigarettes." - I'm not sure, but I think you were trying to say, "If you watch Mongolian comedies, you'll see many ads for cigarettes."

"One time I saw a comic show about drinker's interlude with my cousin. In this show, drinkers were use to smoke and they acted to find cigarette "Landus" from outside." - I'm a little unclear about what you are saying here.

"Most of those reasons began in our wrong acts. It promotes and rises to smoke." - This is a little confusing. What wrong acts? What promotes?

"Of course it affects very bad for our future, economic and development etc. We need to realize it now on our mind. Just try to determine it for a good way." - I'm not sure if by "our future" you are referring to us, as a society, or to individuals' health. The next two sentences are rather vague and not proper English. Since your subject is "Reasons to smoke, " a better closing might be, "There are many reasons for smoking, but none of them are good enough to justify the dangers."

I hope this is helpful to you!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "The English Language" - wonderfully rich and eclectic [9]

Greetings!

That sounds like a good approach. I'd be happy to take a look at your rough draft and help you with editing, if need be.

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / "The English Language" - wonderfully rich and eclectic [9]

Greetings!

I think you have a good start with your ideas. You are basically considering two separate theses, one having to do with how English has spread across the globe to become the language of choice in many areas of commerce, politics and leisure; the other about the linguistic origins of English. The way I read Emerson's metaphor, the second choice may be a closer match, but I think you might be able to combine them.

How about something like this:

The English language developed from a Germanic branch of the Indo-European family of languages with contributions from many other languages across Europe. It has evolved over centuries to become almost a universal language, spanning the globe with its economic and cultural influence.

In order to prove the metaphor's truth, you will need to delve into the history of the English language in order to discuss the "tributaries from every region under heaven."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / example essay about and amazing artists [4]

I'm not sure I understand your question. Can it be an example essay for what?

Sarah

Writing Feedback / example essay about and amazing artists [4]

"people urged him to play out more," - I'm not sure what "play out" means...?

I really hope he would be superstar in the world not too long after. - Better would be "I really hope he becomes a superstar before too long."

"Why do I like him is, there is some reason. I had a very unsteady day. Questioning my ideas on my journey of life." - This is a little simplistic and choppy. How about "The reasons for my liking his music so much can be traced to the effect it has on me. One day, I was questioning my ideas about my life, feeling very unsure of my choices."

"Thank you for the realization that ..." - I'm not sure that thanking the artist in your essay is really appropriate, unless you put it in terms of what you were thinking when you were listening to him: "I was thinking, thank you for ..."

"It hasn't left my cd player since I received for a month." - I think you meant "It hasn't left my cd player since I received it a month ago."

"The music is soothing and gripping, reassuring and convicting ..." - Are you sure you mean "convicting" and not "convincing"?

He is a talented artist. I would compare his music to Gun's N Roses. His voice is unique and glorious just flow together like they were meant to be." - What just flows together? This doesn't make sense.

"The incandescent purity and simplicity of espy's work shines" - Who is "espy"? And for that matter, why are you sometimes talking about Tima Bilan and sometimes Aaron? How many names does this artist have?

"I told [delete "to"] my friend about his music. Once she listened; repeated more often than not - this part doesn't make sense.

I get the feeling when I read this that you may have cut and pasted some music reviews that were written by someone else. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but if you did, without giving the author credit, that's plagiarism, so be sure it's all your own words.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com