Undergraduate / My background and how the passing of a parent has shaped me today as a student/person. [3]

Kalden, as I read through your essay, I don't see the need of the last two sentences to be separated from the final paragraph.

The last two sentences does not have the capacity of idea or thought to handle a paragraph by itself.
I suggest merging the sentences with the final paragraph with the following enhancement;

- The loss of my mother was devastating and I would do anything to have even one morewhatever it takes to have a minute to spend with her. Despite this, theHer loss of my mother has helped me to develop into the person I am today; a person who I am much prouder of than I was before.proud to have become.

There you have it Kalden, I hope my little modification helped.

Undergraduate / For or Against Embryonic Stem Cell Transplants? [2]

Marlayna, I read through your essay and I believe it's written quiet well, at first I thought you were doing
an argumentative essay but you wrote the prompt and that's what most of the students forget to do.

Having said that, I'd like to enhance the last part of your essay, here it is below.

Final paragraph
- Looking back on this experience( the phrase can be deleted as you have already established the facts and where you're coming from ) ,
- it has taught me to not justto be close minded
- butand to take the time and acknowledge
- I was drawn back by their explanations,
- Throughout high school, I have been able to apply this skill in many aspects of my life.
- This year I currently hold the position of a Senior Lieutenant which
- Being open minded hasThe new skills I learned immensely impacted

Marlayna, this are my remarks and I hope it helped.

Undergraduate / Disneyland vacation - Short response based on culture [9]

Katlyn, the essay you have has a lot more to go.
You started strong here but you still have to write a few more sentences to make it worth
for the prompt.

I believe there are a few students here on EF who did the same prompt, it's not bad to do a healthy comparison,
this will allow you to compare your work with others and hopefully get some insights to further your essay and come
up with a stronger one for your final essay submission.

Keep your essay the way it is now and add a few more sentences that will depict the influence of different cultures
to the person you are now.

I hope to see your final essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / My failures are my Successes- Nervous Applicant. Personal Statement UW [3]

Shubh, I'd like to share my insights on your essay with the focus on the final paragraph.

- I had spent most of my energy proving to others that I was successful byin avoiding failure;. ( you can end this sentence here as the idea can stand alone )

- and to succeed failure is not optional;an option, it is mandatory.
- I began to understand why Thomas Edison's resiliencyresilience was so instrumental
- My mom changed my whole perspective on thein this situation.
- eventually I reached my ultimate goal, ( mind your punctuation marks ) 3 years later to make the varsity team.
- Although I'm proud of making the team, I'm more proud of the improvements I've made since being cut my freshman year. 4 years ago I would have never thought my failure would end up leading to all my successes.and even more overjoyed looking back to the success I made from the failure I had experienced.

That's about Shubh, I hope I was able to enhance the final paragraph and the essay in general and by the way, if you can revise the title of the essay to;

My failures are my Success

Best of luck!!!

Undergraduate / AP classes, UIL events, Academic Decathlon - these activities helped me achieve goals - Essay C [5]

Dustin, the revised essay is indeed shorter than the first one and absolutely better than the first one too.

You see the difference when you just write what is asked of you to write and go direct to the point,
go straight forward all the time unless directed to get creative in your essay.
Now, the structure of the essay is also better this time as you have reduced it form six paragraphs
to four paragraphs only. The key to a successful essay or any writing piece that you will do is to go straight
to the point and make sure that you understand why you're writing it and the purpose of the essay is.

I hope my insights make a little reference in your view on writing in general.
Best of luck!

Undergraduate / Finding Myself in Sierra Leone [3]

Marlayna, I believe you have a good essay here, you were able to properly incorporate
your experience and serve as an inspiration to students who face the same struggle.

I don't see anymore enhancement to be done, however, I'd like to strengthen your final paragraph.

Final paragraph

- and goofy girl that I thought I had left behind was the only person I knew how to be .
- Before I knew it I was creating real friendships and memories that would last me a lifetime.
- I learned to accept that not fitting in was okayfine , because to stand out is even greater.it was even greater to stand out.

There you have it, I believe you should be good to go, for now, I wish you good luck and keep writing!

Undergraduate / This is two different parts of my essay for UC application, can you give me some advice? [4]

Here's my thoughts for the second essay.

- My Dad laughed when he saw a plate of salad in front of me while my family enjoyed Chinese dishes. "I mean, really, Jingjing." ..( Tang, I don't think that we still need to add the conversation part in your essay)

- ButHowever, that feeling never came.
- No matter how hard did I triedI try , the powerful
- Its color was stillis obsolete, but when
- I sawread a small Chinese character which means "home" right there.

- I think my mother gave me this bracelet is trying to tellto remind me
- that no matter how far I go,
- I canwill never forget my roots.

Tang, overall, you came up with two strong essays, well - written and ready for submission.
The remarks I made for both essays are minor and it's all up to you to follow through.

I wish you good luck and one more thing, being Asian is a very good thing!

Undergraduate / I had a round table discussion assignment on current supreme court cases the following week. [4]

Samantha, I agree that the essay you were able to write is indeed very well written.

You did not just answer the prompt to a T, but you justified what is asked of the prompt
for you to write.I think the key to your successful essay is your attention to details,
your nature deals very closely with situations where the attention to details is much
needed and you didn't fail in any sense, in fact I can't remember when was the last time I
got surprised of a such a good essay.

I hope you do continue to write more essays or articles for you not to loose that skill in writing.
I must add as well that the essay can be presented well if you break it into two paragraphs to create a breather.

Undergraduate / This is two different parts of my essay for UC application, can you give me some advice? [4]

Tang, I'd like to share my insights on your work, one essay at a time.

- and encouragingencourage me to have
- an unlimited attitudeapproach towards life.
- so my home has never been a place for fighting.
- Both ofM y parents take time to focus on their own business,
- butand ( instead of using a negative "but" use the positive "and") we always come together and depend on each other for support.

- Since my early youthIn my early days , when other

- From them, I learned toMy parents fostered that attitude to explore my interests boundlessly
- I will try my best toMy endless effort go further and to be stronger,
- and I hope one day when I look back, I willis my way to express the appreciation of the valuable experience I have.

There you have it Tang, I hope my remarks help in enhancing your essay.
I'll get back to you for the other essay.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement: The Hope to Survive [5]

Alexis, it's good that you're rooting for the medical world as a career, there's not much students
these days that are aiming for such a noble profession due to the advent of technology and how
the possibilities of such industry is endless.

Now, what you can do to stress importance on your chosen field is to express how you are geared
into choosing medical practice, cite examples or goals that you would like to achieve in order
to be one of the best in this field.

I believe letting the admissions panel know what your heart desires is the next step to get closer to your desired career.

Undergraduate / 'lucky to be introduced to computers' - UC Prompt 1 - Transfer Essay and Prompt 2 - Computer Science [8]

Vitor, first of all, there is nothing in your essay that bothered me at all. Here in EF we are critical in making and giving remarks

because we want the best for you and the essay you present to the panel.
I left you with the remark on not nagging your parents and your unfortunate situation in order
to drive you to the thinking that there are more things in life than looking back to unsuccessful and
non - productive days of our lives.

Your application for UC asks you to write them a few sentences about your background,
be it family, financial situation or personal insights about the community where you came form,
now the essay should transition smoothly, towards the goal of making a difference in life and making
it big in order to achieve a career and professional level.

I hope you can find it in you to be open to constructive criticism and be thankful for people who are willing to help
no matter what the situation is.

Scholarship / If you do not receive the MasterCard Foundation Scholarship what are your plans for the next 4 years [4]

Michael, honestly, the essay is quiet weak.
Your answer to the prompt is more like out of self pity and not out of determination
to succeed, the question is meant for you to showcase a critical thinking nature, what if?, is
the key word and this should not lead you to thinking that you didn't make it to the program,
it's that piece of the puzzle that they're looking for, for you to show your strength in circumstances other than the ordinary.

What you wrote here in the essay is a narrative of what a person whose having self pity is doing, so I suggest that you

re-write your essay, head high and justify what the prompt is asking you to write. If it will help at all,
reflect on an instance and possibilities, if not the MasterCard Foundation, what would you do.

Keep your essay straight forward, direct to the point and precisely well written, nevertheless, keep your essay strong all through out.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- Living in Spain as a Christian Missionary.... [3]

Rebecca, as much as I loved reading your essay,
I see that it lacks the smooth transition of events in your life.
You have the idea on what to write and you have the skills for it,
I believe you have to re- write the essay and incorporate your
academic achievements or activities to your essay.

The thing is, your essay became a family essay, I understand that you want to
portray where you're coming from and it's absolutely well written for the most part
of the essay but it got stuck there. You have to add a full paragraph of academic insights too.

Also, you might want to merge your segmented paragraphs into a few full paragraphs
so that the essay will be more presentable.

Research Papers / Service Dogs: Helping those with Special Needs. [3]

Brad, I would honestly tell you right now, your research paper lack a whole lot of important
elements that will make it work and pass through.

First of all, it's quiet short for a regular or normal research paper, well, the length is the least of your worries,
because you can have the longest essay but it's still not serving it's purpose.
Now, this part of your research is still too early to be sent out for submission.

I believe you still need a lot of research to be done and incorporate some arguments, ideas, thoughts,
work citations, facts and figures that will back up your essay.

I suggest writing about a couple more paragraphs depicting the needs of special people for dogs and companion in general.
When you add information make sure that the works cited are credible enough to back you up for just in case situations.

Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement: The Hope to Survive [5]

Alexis, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

- My life would never be the same, the day I found out my great grandmother had been hospitalized.
- I was instantly in shock, she looked like
- It's been hard onfor all of us,
- the person we looked at as strong was breaking apart .
- All I can think about are ways to help her get better. B, b ecause if I don't,
- my outgoing personality will disappearbe affected , and
- I will start staying to myself:might develop shyness,
- One of my true passions has been to help others,

Alexis, I just finish proof reading your essay and the above are my corrections, this are my suggestions and I hope
you follow through, now, as I go along with your essay, I was expecting that it will get better in the end and
shape towards the purpose of the essay, well it did in the beginning but it got stuck, I mean you only talked about the
family's background but you never mentioned about your plans for the future anymore, this is part of the essay too.

I hope you revised it accordingly.

Essays / International Business in Emerging Markets - how to start my coursework? [2]

Leah, I believe at this time, you should be able to derive a good essay from the prompt that was given to you.

Now, for you to get started, you should be able to understand what you're writing for first, do a little research,
understand the terminologies and make a transition form an economical business side to making sure that
your readers, normal not so business inclined people will understand your essay.

Your introduction should showcase definition and meaningful insight towards International Business in Emerging Market,
once you broke the barrier of the more professional level, you should be able to make way for the more complex side
of the essay.

The next step is for you to give justification on what the essay is asking you to write.

From here, you should be able to come up with a good essay, when you have a draft, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / Parents mistake - I rely on myself to get what I want to achieve. Personal statement [8]

Hi Katie, after reading your essay, I believe what Louisa has done is just perfect and ready for submission.

For now, all I can suggest is that, for future reference, you have to note what the prompt is asking you
to come up with, set priorities of ideas that you want to incorporate in your essay and make sure that
it is the answer to the prompt. Of course you will have a lot of draft and a lot of mistakes but it's fine to

have them in your drafts than in your final essay.
It also helps if you practice writing more and read a lot on your free time and whenever you can, this will
help enhance your vocabulary and will keep you going with your future writing pieces.

Again, I hope you consider Louisa's note and suggestion on your essay and revise it accordingly.

Good luck!!!

Book Reports / Development of Identity in the book The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian [4]

Jonathan, I read through your essay, it's quiet long, yes it is
but we are here to help you out so don't worry about it.
Now, let's go ahead and address your conclusion part.

Final paragraph
- WithHaving the stages explained,
- it is clear that the theme of in development of identity is present
- WithT he end of the book, comes the end of Junior's identity development.
- However, for me it will beis an ongoing quest for my inner self and the revelation of my identity.

There you have it Jonathan, I hope I was able to put an end on your conclusion dilemma.
I wish to see the revised one soon.

Undergraduate / AP classes, UIL events, Academic Decathlon - these activities helped me achieve goals - Essay C [5]

Dustin, first of all, to answer your question, your essay is indeed quiet longer than the average essay that answers this prompt,
however, as you don't have word restrictions, the length of the essay should not be your worry at this point.

What you have to consider and this is true to any of your writing pieces in the future is that, does your essay
respond to the prompt?

If yes, then your good to go, if not or you have doubts, the you have EF, well, overall, your essay is fine, fine because

there are a few elements of the essay that's working well but it's not streamlined to what the purpose of the essay is, it's

not focused to answer what the prompt is asking you to write.

Let me simplify the question to your prompt.
What influenced you to keep a goal for the future?

Surround your essay with the answer to this question and you will have a re- directed essay
that fits exactly what the essay is rooting for you to write about.

I hope to see your revised essay posted soon.

Undergraduate / I'm an enlisted sailor - USNA Personal essay question [7]

Hi YNnope, I understand that there is a huge correlation to what you aspire to become and what you are
doing now, this is very good, however, the introduction that you just started may not be the best scenario
that you want to follow through.

Here's what I suggest, you can start the essay by writing an introduction about the Naval Academy,
what the mission is, some sort of an eye opener and what you understand the job will lead you once
you graduate from the academy, this way you will be able to establish the fact that you know exactly what
you're doing and what profession you're rooting for. This kind of introduction will send a message to the panel
that you know what you are trying to achieve and this is no game for you, it's a career, a goal and a profession

that you are willing to dedicate your life into.

When you do the introduction this strong, make sure that you follow suit and maintain a string essay all through out
the final paragraph.

I hope my suggestions help and I should read your essay soon.

Undergraduate / 4 Questions, 400 Words - Where to start? / NYU Supplemental Essay [3]

Brittany, you are very lucky to have Louisa take on the challenge of
meeting the word count for your essay, this actually led me to question,
you have the word count restriction, why did you still come up with
about 700 words on you essay. The answer, you were not answering the
prompt with direct answers or straight forward ideas towards the prompt.

The key to meeting word count restrictions and still creating a well written essay is,
keep in mind what the essay is all about, what do you think will lead you to come up
with the answer of the prompt. Be direct and precise to what the essay is asking you to write,
also, be conscious with the word count while pouring
all your ideas in writing and lastly, as much as you mind the word count, make sure that you
are still giving the essay, the best answer you can possibly provide.

I hope to read the revised essay soon.

Grammar, Usage / When to capitalize (camel case) words? [3]

Surya, I absolutely hope that you will post the entire essay here o EF so we can assist you
further, I understand that you are in the draft stage but when you finish this draft, don't hesitate to
post it here.

Now, the question on capitalizing words, you capitalize the first letter of the word when you use it
to start a sentence, you also capitalize words of importance, when you would like to give or impose
stress on the words or say company name or a person, now if there is an event that you want to
stress on, you can use punctuation marks, capitalizing words embody's importance to the word.

Having said that, you can always double check with google and review the English language rules
and writing policies and style.

I hope to read your essay soon.

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

Hi Jon, I didn't mean to drive your essay somewhere else, I understand
that it's an essay for an application to UW, however, talking about DofE
made your essay go and take a different path.

Well, I will leave you now to figure out how to enhance your essay and make it strong
to stand the panel of admissions at UW.

I hope you will post your essay here on EF so we can assist you further.
Remember, the feedbacks and suggestions you receive can be very valuable
but at the end of the day, you decide how your essay will flow and
how you present it, after all, your writing piece is a reflection of you and the thoughts you have in your head.

Scholarship / Most significant endeavor since attending community college (Public Speaking) [4]

Zikora, I read your essay and I believe it's done very well, the essay easily combined information and ideas
with a good flow, smooth transition towards the conclusion of the essay.

Speaking of conclusion, I'd like to enhance this part of the essay.

- My speech went off without a hitch, and after I wasas soon as I'm done
- I fieldedattend to the questions from students who
- I do notdon't know how many of
- those students actually attended their council
- but I would like to think that I encouraged maybe a fewstudents to take control

There you have it Zikora, I hope my insights on your essay helped.

Undergraduate / "USC students are known to be involved." - USC Writing Supplement Short-Answer #1 [3]

Charlotte, I believe your essay responded very well to the prompt.
It has all the elements needed to entice the reader and the critical panel
of the admissions staff.

Now, as much as I love reading your essay, I'd like to suggest a few enhancement for the last part
of the essay.

-I entered BUDS believingwith the belief that
- yet I now seesaw that these kids are just as much
- They have taught me to have a positive outlook onin life,
- else is always fighterfighting a harder battle.
- Most importantly, though, they have taught me to love unconditionally,
- regardless of any differences, because acceptance and affection are

There you have it, I hope my corrections helped.

Undergraduate / Experience with someone whose beliefs differ from mine [3]

Daysi, I must say, you nailed what is asked of the prompt.
You made questions that are the exact questions you want to ask
somebody going through the same dilemma, there's a lot going on in your
essay that will keep the reader to read through the whole essay.

The good thing about your writing style is that, you keep the reader engaged,
you make us think about what you wrote and say yes, that actually happened to me.

Overall, it's a well written essay and you should be very confident on submitting it
and oh, don't forget to associate the corrections made by other EF contributors,
they help enhance your essay further, when you do your final revised essay.
post it here on EF so we can have a final proof read.

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

HI Jon, thank you for updating the prompt and making sure that you respond to suggestions, however,
ask yourself, do you think this essay will beat over thousands of students from 140 different countries that are
rooting for DofE? I tell you my opinion, no, it will not.

As you can see and I'm assuming that you did a little digging and googling, the essay that you drafted for the
second time is the same weak essay that you had originally.

I suggest that you dig deeper, reflect on the activities that you had, extra ordinary stints that
you participated that embodies the goals and nature of the award.

I hope to see your essay, don't rush it, take time to write and dig deeper, there's still a lot more
to share than just a usual volunteering and sports.

Undergraduate / Collage Application Essay " What I learned from experience in CANADA " [3]

- I loved to experience new things and makingmake new friends.
- I had difficulty dealing with Chinese studentsat there; because of
- the historical background ( "background" is one word) that Japan and China hashave .
- so I could not express myself there or communicate with them.
- AfterH aving this experience,
- I thought that I want be a connecterconnection between minority and other,
- and thought that United Nation would be athe best place to archive what I want.
- So I made up my mind to go to American university and study global studies,

Kazu, kindly find my corrections above, I believe your essay can be better with the corrections done, I understand that English is
not your first language and having said that, you did a good job in coming up with this essay. Good luck!

Graduate / UVa Master's Essay-Collaborate with someone whose life perspective was vrey differnet from your own [3]

Shiyun, I'd like to share my thoughts for your essay.

- I joined the New Oriental Education last month by chance, ( don't forget you punctuation marks ) one of my supervisors

- I kept a hobby of self-learningstudy every day before,
- Oriental quicker by with the guide of the older staffs.
- I did learn to be results -oriented when
- ByA dmitting the differences between us,
- I will seek ourthe same pursuit and improve myself as much as possible.

Shiyun, there you have it, a few remarks on your essay, I hope it helped enhance your essay, I believe
you have to work with your word choice and sentence construction.

Undergraduate / The experience which I feel shaped my character the most was the Duke of Edinburgh Award. [11]

Hi Jon, I did a little bit of research of the Duke of Edinburgh Award, and it says it's an award given
to young adults that has completed a series of self-improvement
exercises following Kurt Hahn's solution to the "Six Declines of Modern Youth."
Impressive and honorable award presented by Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh,
and for you to root for this award, you have a tough challenge ahead
to compete with students from over 140 countries, you can do it!

Now, going back to your essay and seeing the challenge that you have in your hands now,
I don't feel that your essay is strong enough for this award, I suggest that you do one important thing,
research,research, research...I googled this award giving boy and it thought me a lot about it and
it will do the same to you too, this will help you see what the award is all about and what you need
to include in your essay to stand out.

I did a little more reading on DofE and it's not only prestigious but honorably critical.
So research first before revising the essay.

Undergraduate / US childhood and citizenship, although origins and heritage resides in India - Texas admission essay [6]

Sriram, I can only do so much to your essay as far as revision is concerned, now what you can do to add elements that will revamp your essay?,

answer the question, WHY UT? , this is the focus of your essay and this will give your essay a good shot for admission.

As mentioned, I didn't mean that you have to do a totally new essay but you have to streamline your focus and make sure that you don't put in

few different ideas, running around incircles, go direct straight forward and answer the prompt.

Again, answer the question "why UT", this should be answered in full detail, you aspirations, influence, goals and steps in achieving them
and seeing yourself succeed.

I hope to see your final essay very soon, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / I am finsishing my college essays and I am having a hard time would some tell me how mine is! [3]

Katlyn, I can see that you have a following here already, it's not so good feedback but at least you have them help you out with your essay.

I believe you spent a lot of time thinking of a lot of ideas and somehow you put them in paper and you think this is the best you got, but you can

definitely enhance it. Sometimes this happens when you rush in things so you can get over with it and close it to move on.

Now, I suggest you tackle essays one step at a time, you're not sure what you want to take on first and that is not good at all.

Be determined and refine your actions towards these essays and meeting deadlines, believe me if you learn to work with this now,
you will be better in the future.

I hope to see your revised essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - "You're pretty, for a fat girl." [4]

Destinee, it's good that you call this essay a rough draft, this essay needs absolutely a lot of help.
The introduction is written fairly well, however, the body lacks the transition it needs in order to incorporate
the ideas of the introduction and connect the dots leading towards the much needed conclusion and
realization of the essay.

The fact is, the essay tried to justify what the essay is asking you to write about but it just lacks a
few more polishing, the sentence structure, the focus and the nature of the essay is all scattered
in different directions.

I hope to see a well focused, structured and straight forward essay when you post the revision, post it back
here on EF, you can have it posted on the same thread and we will be here to assist you.

Undergraduate / Personal Essay for Film Major Supplemental Application [3]

Lynn, I believe your essay can be revised to make is stronger, the interest and willingness to study and pursue films
is not dully justified in your essay. Don't get me wrong, part of the essay is good, the background, creative interest and
the rest of the needed information for the essay is covered, that's why you just need to revise it and not to write an entirely

different essay.

The revision should focus or at least dedicate a full paragraph that will showcase your interest on films,
how would you want to grow with it academically and professionally and ultimately, how will this
fulfill your career goals in the future.

I hope to see the revised essay soon here on EF so we can assist you further.

Writing Feedback / Universities or some vocational courses for students? [5]

Hi Ngo, I'd like to share my insights to your essay.

After proof reading your essay, I believe you made a good revision, however, there's still a few words and sentences that needs enhancement.

1st paragraph
- universities or not, has been a heated constantlydiscussion .

2nd paragraph
- On one hand,( this is not necessary as you have not discussed your views yet )E ntering universities

There you have it Ngo, a few remarks from me and I hope they helped.
I would also like to remind you to make sure that when writing the word "I", it should be capitalize and and mind your punctuation marks, they should be placed

in the right place at the right input that completes the sense of your sentences.

Undergraduate / I am incredibly proud of my AP scores - UC Personal Statement [Freshman] Prompt #2 [4]

Rene, I believe you have a good essay and it's a boarder line of the other essays.
It feels like you can use the same exact essay to answer the other prompt that asks
for your achievements and academic glory in detail.

This is you personal statement yo UC and although you were able to add information
about the person that you are and your background, it's also good that you were
able incorporate your achievements and answer the prompt properly.

I believe there a little bit of enhancement to be done with focus on your grammar and sentence construction, you also have to maintain a

smooth flow and transition of your sentences.

Undergraduate / Bad Spaghetti - Stanford Supplement (Intellectual Vitality) [5]

Rayan, I believe this essay is written rather quiet well, I don't think that you should throw this essay in the pit hole.

I say this essay is very creative, full of humor and actually well very well be accepted as answers to the prompts for Stanford.
Just like how you put it, it's an intellectual vitality,the essay is what it say it is.
I have no doubt that you will be able to write more meaningful and good essay but don't throw this one out.
A lot of students are not able to write anything at all, so help them by keeping this essay and trying it out with Stanford.

For future reference, keep a good full paragraph and not segmented ones, it looks more professional when you have full paragraphs in the essay.

Scholarship / Furthering my education has been a personal goal I have always striven to achieve. (100 words) [3]

Alex, the prompt says 100 words, where's the other half of the words?, or is
this just the first part of it?

Well, if this is your final prompt, it doesn't really answer the question or what it is asking you to do.

You have to add a few more sentences that describes who you are and what you want to become,
write about your influence, what drives you to keep going to school and look forward for a bright future.

This essay is just incomplete, I suggest that you re-write and add a few more information that corresponds with the prompt
and make sure that you mind your word restriction and not go overboard in the end.
When you're done with your draft, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / Brief biography and what motivates you (250 or less) [4]

Zikora, the essay is written well and it could be better if you stick to the purpose of the essay.
What you did has complicated the whole essay, it's quiet easy anyway.

The prompt asked you to write a brief biography for purposes they know best, all you have to do is
answer the prompt properly.
I suggest that you revise the essay and delete the part where you talk about the academic statures
of your life, they just need to know you on a family aspect and from where you come from.

For future reference, before writing anything, review your prompt first, think hard about it and
on what to write, it pays a lot if you go direct with what the essay is asking for and who knows there
might be an addition to the prompt that you just did and the information is needed for the next prompt.

Letters / Motivation letter for Erasmus mundus scholarships - English isn't first language [6]

Rose, I understand that you exerted effort on revising your essay but I feel like it's still a little bit weak.

Here's what I suggest;

Answer the question, what is a motivation letter, what is your motivation in writing to the university and applying to the program.
This are just the simple questions that you have to answer in your motivation letter.
Remember KISS, Keep It Short and Simple.
Go straight forward with your motivation letter, don't complicate things,
write about the things or the person or maybe an event in life that motivated you to
write the letter and gave you the courage and strength to say yes, I want to get admission in that university.

I also suggest that you write a totally different essay and you will see the difference.