Undergraduate / Saving the world... from outside the world. -CommonApp Personal Essay [8]

After reconsidering the requirements of the prompt, I believe that I can't really see why this topic is of a personal importance to you. Why do you want to save the world? It just seems like this is such a broad solution to the problem of the power grid going down in your cousin's hometown. Perhaps a more achievable solution should be looked into since the problem that you wish to address is more earth based than anything else?

The portion about your trip to the rooftop just did not connect with the first part of the essay, which is why I found myself thinking that maybe this is not the right story to use in response to the prompt. Don't you have a previously solved problem that you can relate instead? Maybe an ethical dilemma instead? Or perhaps an intellectual challenge? Something that you can better relate to?

I know that you want to use the Mars story as a form of response to a research query, but unless there is a way that we can create a believable personal importance for your idea, the two parts of your essay are just disconnected. I think it is because you decided to skip the part about your cousin talking about what the skies hold for us. In my mind, as I read your essay, it seems that talk would help us to better develop that personal connection.

Here is an idea, can you revise the last part of your essay to include the part about your cousin talking about the sky and stuff? If you can do that, post it here and I'll help you reorganize the paper so that we can create that personal connection that is lacking now. I have an idea as to how to do it. I just need you to organize the essay first. I hope you'll be agreeable to doing that :-)

Scholarship / Chevening is looking for individuals - future leaders or influencers in their home countries [2]

Moustapha, what you have written is more of an outline summary of what you should be discussing in your formal essay. These are mere talking points that you should be expanding upon in your actual statement. You are lucky to have had such an opportunity to gain leadership skills in your community. All you have to do at this point is expand upon the content. Let me make some suggestions for each paragraph based upon what I have come to understand of your leadership experience.

Par.1:

Growing up in the countryside where people suffer from poverty ,discrimination against women, and challenging situation of children at school pushed me to think about promoting change in the rural areas...

You have a good opening statement here. What we need you to reflect on towards the end of your paragraph is the fact that it was all of these observations that led you to undertake a career in journalism, hoping to help change the mindset of the people and lead them towards a more balanced treatment of women and an improvement of your educational system in your country.

Par. 2:
,I was one of a few young journalist in Morocco reporting on their stories wining the regional Young Journalists Award in Souss Massa Agadir on my story "Women and cooperatives: the game changer"

This should be a new paragraph. Make sure that it details how winning this competition helped to enhance your growing role as a leader in your community. Concentrate on how the article that you wrote helped to improve some aspects of life for women and the cooperatives.

Par. 3:
I have initiated many activities regarding peace and social change in isolated villages through an youth-led nonprofit organization dedicated to empower the rural community and help youth to develop their leadership potential.

Don't just offer a general discussion for this part. This is the most important part of the essay. Mention how you developed these activities. What kind of social change was your leadership able to bring about? How did you accomplish those activities? Where do you stand as a leader in the community now?

Par.4:
Should concentrate on the accomplishments of your activities. Specifically, you should address how you have come to influence the mindset of the people and if you have a continually growing influence over the growing community. Then tell the reader how you see that leadership and influence growing in the future considering your completion of your studies through the scholarship.

Undergraduate / Religion holds a lot of mysteries where the world would never know - CommonApp Essay Prompt 3 [6]

Andrew, now is not the time to panic. Don't fret about how your mother will react if you miss the early action deadline. Be more worried about what will happen if you submit this essay and then still don't make it to the university of your choice. You won't be able to apply for regular admission this semester anymore. If you really want to make sure you have a good chance at admission to the university, then don't submit this essay. If you don't feel that it delivers what the prompt requires then do not submit it.

Instead, have a talk with your mother and tell her why you decided to not apply for the early action admission. Tell her that the time isn't right and that the essay you prepared was just something that you were not comfortable with submitting. She of all people should understand that these essays are part and parcel, and sometimes, one of the deciding factors, of your admission to your university of choice. So don't rush it. Tell your mom there is still time for you to apply for admission and you will take your chances with a better written essay through regular admission. What is the use of running after a deadline when you know the document you will be submitting will not help your chances right? I am sure your mom will see the logic and reason in your decision. After all, she may choose the university, but you are the one who has to apply for admission.

Now, as for your topics, I would definitely not use religion as a topic. It is just too explosive and debatable a topic for this type of essay. If you don't mind, I have a suggestion for your topic that just might work for you because you are currently experiencing it. Why not discuss this crossroad that you are facing at the moment? Talk about challenging your mom's belief that by not applying for early action, you will not get into her university of choice. Then tell the reviewer how you resolved the issue. That is, I am assuming that you will be applying for regular admission instead.

The facts of your essay already exist at this moment in your life. So use it. Write about it. You will find it easier to write because you actually have to live with it at the moment. When you write about something that truly happened to you, it makes it easier to write the essay. By opting to write about your desire to challenge your mom's idea that you won't get into the college if you don't have early admission, you also pose a challenge to the reviewer to consider your application seriously for regular admission as well. After all, you already challenged your mom's belief, maybe he can give you a helping hand by seriously considering the merits of your application :-)

Of course that is just an idea I came up with to help you out. It is up to you if you want to use it or not. Definitely, do not submit this essay if you feel it is not what will help you get into the college. Talk to your mom. She will understand as long as you explain it properly. Have her read my post if you think it will help you explain your situation to her :-) Maybe she will receive the information better if it comes to a disinterested party ;-)

Undergraduate / Who you are? The general picture of what you represent - UC Personal Statement #2 [6]

Sukpreeth, that was certainly a very well rounded discussion of your development as a person. Overall, I find that it is a very strong essay that delivers on all points. You took the reviewer to the beginning of your journey at the age of 6, went on to show the obstacle you had to overcome (weight loss), provided an accomplishment at the end of it, before finally showing us what else we have to look forward to from you. Excellent work! You covered all of the salient prompt points in one essay. Give yourself a pat on the back. Not all of the student applicants can manage to do what you just did. That said, there are some grammar errors that we need to address.

Par. 1:
I could barely even speak English when I joined
However, as the years passed by and I matured

Par. 2:
the difficulty of ACHIEVING this goal was compounded with BY the fact that I was just about to go to India
really spoke volumes to ABOUT how much I wanted to achieve

Par. 3:
Now, even in school and basketball, I get motivated
because OF THE SELF CONFIDENCE I've developed the self-confidence from Taekwondo to I know that

Letters / The most outstanding trademark of Ms. X is her creativity. Letter of Recommendation from my teacher [4]

What was the end result of this? Were you able to prove your claims? If there is no positive outcome from this then don't include it in the essay. The recommendation letter should only contain information that shows off your abilities. If you were able to prove your claims successfully, then have your professor explain how you did it and why it should be of note to the reviewer. Otherwise, the simple paragraph I created for you more than serves the purpose of a recommendation letter. It contains your most notable achievement as a student in his class, that is all we need.

Scholarship / 'I took some practical steps to choose the proposed universities' - Chevening: Studying in UK Essay [5]

Luthfi, one of the things can you can consider to help you bring your word count down would be to revise your first two paragraphs. You have spent too much of your word count recounting the traffic problem in Indonesia, using 3 paragraphs to describe the problem when it was not necessary to do so. The first 3 paragraphs could have been better utilized had you decided to use the space to more properly address the prompt instead.

The prompt actually asks you to do more than just list the 3 UK universities you have chosen to consider for your masters studies. You need to outline each one and relate it to your academic experience. One way of understanding that instructions is to have you list down each university and have you discuss what exactly about each university appeals to you. Concentrate on connecting your past academic experience with the university you are discussing. So you have 3 universities and 3 paragraphs to replace. Perfect.

The bullet points you listed in relation to how you chose the universities does not help your paper at all. Anybody can do a search based on what you did. What the essay needs to know is "Why these 3?" Discuss these in terms of your related previous college degree / classes attended, any seminars / conferences that relate to your chosen course at the university, and the social aspects of educational networking that can help you with your career improvement in the future.

Right now, all I can gather from your essay is that Indonesia has a traffic problem, information about that problem, and the current government solutions to it. I like the paragraphs that relate to your activities regarding solving the traffic problem. Those are activities that can certainly help enhance your statement. Provided that you can somehow connect those with the explanations about your top 3 universities.

Your last line also does not translate as a complete paragraph. It sounds like you just threw that information in there as an after thought, The information you provided directly relates to your previous academic experience. So try to integrate the information into your discussion about your university choices. That is where such information should be placed.

If you follow these guidelines regarding the revision of your essay, I am sure you will be able to remove more than 20 words from the essay, which will in turn help your essay not only meet the word count, but also help you to better respond to the prompt as well.

Undergraduate / Oliver! - my treasured jeep patriot who gets my credit for facilitating my transition into adulthood [4]

Janice, the opinion of your teacher may be that your topic is arrogant. However, not all people share the same point of view as that person. One of the rules of writing that I always tell the students who work on their statements or fiction stories is "Write about what you know." I am not sure where I picked that line up from anymore but I read it somewhere during my own writing classes.

When you write about what you know about, the process of developing the story becomes easier. You don't have to make things up to create an effective story because the elements for a good plot already exist. In this case, the elements exist to tell an effective story of transition because of your car. So it isn't arrogant. It is your truth.

Perhaps she thought it was too arrogant because you spent so much time talking about how you got the car. Remember I told you that was a bit of overkill and did not really help the story along? If you cut down or eliminate that part totally, then maybe she won't find it too arrogant anymore. What matters to the reviewer is the story you have to tell of your transition. He doesn't care if the other applicants can afford a car or not. That is not the issue here.

The only concentration you should have is proving that being gifted with this car was the exact rite of passage that signified the recognition from your parents and society that you are now an adult. In the U.S. most kids do dream that their parents could gift them with a car for their birthday. Consider yourself one of the lucky few. Hey, use that line somewhere in your essay. "I consider myself one of the lucky few because what I thought was an unreachable dream became a reality because of my parent's desire to show me that they viewed me as an equal, an adult, now." Do you think you can fit that in somewhere there? It's not an arrogant line. It is actually quite humbling to have your parents view you as an equal at such a young age :-)

Undergraduate / I thought I could take on Chuck Norris, and I'm the pure reincarnation of Bruce Lee - Common App [3]

Joe, you need to clarify that you will be telling a flashback story of your failure before you tell it. That way the reviewer will know that you are talking of a time in your life when you were a student of the martial art, not yet the teacher. I was a bit confused at first when you went from running the dojo to testing for a red belt. I am not sure if the reviewer will also be confused at that part of the essay so it is best to make the transition clear. Now for the paragraph comments.

Par.1:
* The paragraph is too short. Combine the second paragraph with it since the information is related. That will also help bring clarity to the necessary transition.

At one point When I was young learner of martial arts, I seriously thought that I could take on Chuck Norris. I had no doubt in my mind that I was the reincarnation of Bruce Lee. After watching every single movie Bruce Lee ever produced, I was even more convinced.

Par.2:
Tang Soo Do is the original form of Taekwondo. (Transition needed here) Up until my red belt with a stripe test

Par. 3:
I was immediately taken back aback when
my pride disillusioned blinded me.
mistakes in my techniques but and instead shrouded me with a false sense of security.
my instructor told me that my attitude is what kept me from failing caused me to fail.
Failing was like a new awakening

Par. 4:
A whole My personality change was arduous
I became more cognizant of my attitude to my peers, friends, and instructors.

Par.5:
about quitting the Boy Scouts.
The Boy Scouts did not hold the same appeal
I thought about my experience in at my Tang Soo Do studio.
adamant of to continuing continue until the end.

Par.6:
this failure helped me to get my
The portrait in on which I intend to paint

Writing Feedback / The table presents data related to subway systems located in six large cities - Ielts Task 1 [3]

Francis, your time used in writing this essay is more than sufficient. However, I noticed that you did not use the remaining 4 minutes to do a quick proofread and spellcheck of your report. While the form is alright, the problem regarding content and grammar will definitely have adversely affected your final score in the actual test. Please train yourself to use any remaining time you have, no matter how short, for proofreading and spellchecking. Your paper will be all the better for it.

Par.1:
* Your opening paragraph, which is supposed to be an overview of the report is too short. You cannot have only one line of information for it. You need at least 3 sentences to make this a complete paragraph. Rather than separating the table information from your overall information, combine the two. That will make it a complete report paragraph.

The table presents data related to subway systems located in six large cities (London, Paris, Tokyo, Washington DC, Kyoto and Los Angeles).
the most developed ones in terms of length and therefore the highest popularity use is observed there.

Par. 2:
These sited situated in Paris and Tokyo .
The length of subway routes in these cities is are considerably high - Plural rules apply

Par. 3:
In contrast, metro systems in Washington DC, Kyoto and Lost Angeles
the number of users is are higher

Undergraduate / Oliver! - my treasured jeep patriot who gets my credit for facilitating my transition into adulthood [4]

Hey Janice :-) I can't help but tell you that you had me chuckling with your reference to your parents buying you a unicorn. That was definitely a nice touch of humor in an essay that is normally deadly serious to read. While you chose a light topic for it, getting your license, I have to admit that it is a perfect choice for a teenager coming of age in the United States. Getting that first car really signifies a long jump into adulthood.

That said, I need to point out that the essay should be more about the kinds of responsibilities that you inherited along with the car rather than the essay being a story about the car itself. More than half the essay is about your adventure in picking your first, parent provided car. You need to cut down on that experience. The mention you made in paragraph 2 was more than sufficient to set up the scene and inform the reader.

You should concentrate instead on telling the story of the maturity that came with owning the car. From understanding why you needed car insurance, why you needed to keep your tank filled, and why you should run errands for your parents with your car when they ask you to, all of these are part of the maturing process. All part of the transition from childhood to adulthood. So let the reviewer in and show him how this event has helped you transition into a more responsible person. Tell him how much owning this first car has changed your outlook from childish to responsible. That is the aim of this essay and I do believe that you are well on the road to proving that point :-)

Graduate / "Bioinformatics - the science of tomorrow" - applying to a variety of grad programs [7]

Tessa, I spotted just a few grammar points that need correcting and maybe an additional sentence here and there to strengthen the essay. While the last paragraph does seem shaky, it should be since it is only a place holder. That will become more stable as you use the information with each college you apply to. It's a pretty solid essay at this point.

Par. 1:
* You can omit the last line discussing why you are applying to the program. That is already known to the reviewer. Self explanatory so to speak. It does not need to be pointed out. You can go into more details about that desire when you write your statement of purpose.

Par. 2:
my work at a B biorepository that my interest in b Bioinformatics - Always capitalize the title of the course.
my knowledge in b Bioinformatics
* Towards the end of the paragraph, try to explain how you see yourself participating in the Bioinformatics field during your employment. Present a real world use for your degree in order to prove the need for your additional training and studies.

Par. 3:
DNA extraction, cloning, cell culture, PCR, etc. to name a few.

Par. 4:
I would like to find a career progress in my career path and eventually become as a data scientist,

Graduate / "Bioinformatics - the science of tomorrow" - applying to a variety of grad programs [7]

Hi Tessa, well that was fast :-) I really think your revision made the essay almost perfect. I was hard pressed to find something wrong with it so I had to approach it from a reviewer's point of view. Of course reading your essay with a more critical eye led me to find just one part of the essay that we can still further improve. That is, if you will be agreeable to it :-)

Let me refer you to paragraph 3 of your revised essay. Specifically the portion about your senior capstone class. I am not sure that it adds anything impressive to the personal statement. As far as I am concerned, it seems to be disconnected from the rest of the paragraph. The part that I think should be highlighted in that portion is the part about your certification in human research and your policy and procedure papers for the repository. If you can discuss the content of the papers and give the reviewer some background on your human research certification, I believe that you will be able to include information about yourself as a professional that will help your paper stand out from the rest.

I'd also like to point out that at this point, your essay seems to be open ended. It seems like the last paragraph is not really the last paragraph. Is that because you want to tailor fit the final paragraph to the university you are applying to? Just for the heck of it, I think you should try to come up with a general concluding paragraph as a place holder for your final thoughts. If you have some ideas there for a final paragraph, it can help you develop that part of the essay whenever you need to. At least you won't have to start from scratch :-)

Undergraduate / With ardor and devotion - Amore ac Studio. Bates supplement essay [4]

Hi Sam! I am wondering if you have a specific supplemental essay prompt to respond to or if the quote you provided is the actual prompt? Are you being asked how you embody the quote and live it in your daily life or something? I'd appreciate a clarification regarding that because I would like to know what direction to take the editing of your essay into. Anyway, even without it, I can already offer you some pointers to help you better present your essay.

We need to work on the form. The presentation is too muddled and confusing to read. Try to use paragraphs when discussing events in your life. The spaces on the page will help the reader keep track of what he is actually reading and also aid in the understanding process. I think you can divide this essay into at least 3 paragraphs, including your opening statement. Speaking of paragraphs, can you tell me what your maximum word count for the response is? 2 paragraphs is definitely too short for a response essay. I believe you should have anywhere from 3-5 paragraphs here in order to properly discuss your answer to the prompt. You just need to know where to divide the paragraph topics. Regardless of what the prompt may be.

Now, let's address the grammar issues that exist in your essay:

that barely made me satisfied me.

considering my friends' 's arguments, my teachers' 's answers - an apostrophe s connotes ownership.

In addition, the remarkable history of enrolling student African-American slaves as students in order to respect the differences in color and the inclusion of women in their first batch of students as a show of to respect to the differences in gender, makes my admiration for Bates stronger.

But to To respect differences and openly admit what you believe in takes a great amount of courage.

In spite of being in on the wrong side

always stood for what it has believed in.

For me, T to be a part of Bates would be to be around like-minded like me persons,

Eventually, being among similar people like me,

Graduate / "Bioinformatics - the science of tomorrow" - applying to a variety of grad programs [7]

Hi Tessa, well I can certainly see why you would have an interest in Bioinformatics based upon your academic and professional background. Your job at the biorepository is right on target with your desire to pursue these master classes in bioinformatics. I have a few pointers though that I believe can help you improve your personal statement. Let me address the specific paragraphs alright? Thanks.

Par. 2:
You can cut down on the content of this paragraph. There is no need for you to explain what you do at the biorepository, the reviewer already knows how the lab functions and what procedures are entailed in it. Never, ever lecture the reviewer about information that he is already familiar with. Instead, start the paragraph by saying something like :"It is because of my work at a biorepository that my interest in bioinformatics was awakened. I really think that advancing my knowledge in bioinformatics will prove to be useful. As the biorepository I am employed by grows and expands, we hope to branch out to identifying and testing for biomarkers in the tissues that we procure. Furthermore, we look at large data sets of information, and having knowledge about computer programs and methods that could potentially help to streamline these processes would be incredibly beneficial. " You can then explain how this vision is what led you to the doors of masters degree school specializing in Bioinformatics.

Paragraphs 3-4 are on target so far. You may need to adjust those paragraphs depending upon the kind of prompt that you will be responding to so prepare to do that whenever necessary. Remember, the contents of your personal statement will also depend upon the dictates of the university. So this personal statement that you are developing is nothing more than the jump off point for those other essays.

With regards to paragraph 5 though, I would prefer that you delete that portion. You see, as a masters degree student, the reviewer will not be interested in your college level academic weaknesses. What concerns him more is why you are interested in bioinformatics and what you can offer in terms of advancing the abilities of those practicing this particular field. Your college level shortcomings do not have any bearing on your masters degree studies. It does not reflect the kind of professional you are today. Those failures are moot and academic at this point. Rather, you should concentrate on portraying the professional reasons that you wish to pursue this course. Call it a course in job enhancement or something.

I mean seriously, even if you decide to keep that part about your failures as a student, don't you think it would have an adverse effect on your application? If you are already telling the reviewer that you have failed before but you still want to work in this field, all you will do is make him think twice about your abilities with regards to completing the course. So let's not do that. Let's just make it seem like it would be their loss if they don't admit you into their university :-)

Believe me when I say that I am very excited to help you with enhancing this statement to make your application stand out. However, we first need to fix the content of the essay before we can move on to other parts of the essay. So let's fix these issues as I see them, give yourself a chance to revise the paper, add information to the paper if need be, and then we can work on editing it into the final form. Will that be alright with you? I really do hope that you consider my suggestions.

Scholarship / At home Spanglish, outside English language / continuation of fashion studies [3]

While you provided quite insightful responses to the given prompts, I feel that you were not able to achieve the correct response for the language plans.You see, you approached the language plans as something that you are taking lightly instead of seriously. I am not sure if you know this but, the reason that the prompt asks you to present your serious plans for learning languages, is because the government will be sponsoring your language learning lessons. Full classes for one year and then some sort of tutorial sessions after. All free of charge. That is why I want you to reconsider what you have written so far.

I can understand why you would not feel a need to concentrate on learning the English language. After all, you already have a pretty good grasp of English having lived in the country for 13 years. Now, since there is no requirement for you to discuss a different foreign language other than Korean, I strongly advise you to skip the reference to your Spanish language background. Concentrate instead on developing your Korean language skills.

You will be required to live in Korea for at leas 5 years after you graduate. During that period of time, you should have some sort of plans to help you reach an almost native speaker proficiency in Korean. This can be done through joining various English-Korean organizations where you can develop your spoken and written Korean skills. Simple things such as widening your Korean based social circle and watching more Koreanovelas are also acceptable language study plans. Working in a Korean company will definitely be up among the acceptable language improvement plans as well.

In your study plan for your bachelor's degree course, you included plans for yourself that do not include a Korean based education. Since you are applying for a Korean government scholarship, you should only concentrate on discussing your bachelor's degree plans based upon a Korean education. Needless to say, you will need to revise the part of your essay that talks of obtaing an IED scholarship and setting up a workshop in Veracruz. If it does not include Korea, it is not something that will help your application.

I would also like to call your attention to your choice of universities. You are expected to not only mention the 3 universities, but discuss in detail, the reasons why you feel that these universities can help you academically. Each university will entail a specific discussion of its curriculum as the basis of your choice.What sets these universities apart? What makes each one special in your opinion? Keep in mind, part of the scholarship requirement is that you will reside and work in Korea for at least 5 years after you graduate. So you are probably going to spend a total of 10 years in Korea. So your study plan should cover 5 years of your academic studies and then after that, the 5 years you will spend as a professional designer in Korea. You can discuss the expansion of your business and setting up of the workshop, even the internship, over the 5 years during which you have set up yourself as a professional in Korea. If you can clearly discuss those points, then your academic and post academic plans should be more obvious in the response.

Graduate / Believe in what you do, hunt for it, this will take where you need to go. [4]

I already told you in the previous thread that you have to revise the whole essay because the one that you wrote is not applicable as a statement of purpose. What you wrote is more of a general personal statement than anything else. Therefore, it cannot be used in place of a statement of purpose. I guess you did not fully understand what I meant when I asked you to highlight some other parts of your essay in order to create a statement of purpose so let me tell you what you have to do again by paragraph.

Par. 1: Discuss your current profession (if you are employed). What is your current position in this office? How does it relate to your interest in your specified masters degree course of interest (mention the MS course by name) and why you think it is important that you have higher academic learning in the field.

Par. 2: Discuss your college background very briefly. Briefly mention any important awards that you received. Do not discuss it too much. Just mention the award and the reason you won it. Then mention your more recent hands on training, seminars, or conferences that you have attended in relation to your profession. Describe how these events led you to believe that though you have basic training in embedded systems, you need to attend advanced classes in order to bring you up to date with the latest theories and evolved practices in the field.

Par. 3: Explain how you view X university assisting you in achieving your purpose for study. At this point you can mention your specific career plans or academic goals that will have a direct effect on your current profession / employment / position at work. If you have any immediate short term career goals, this would be the point in the essay to mention it.

Par. 4: Reiterate your interest in attending MS studies at this particular university. Discuss the particular courses you want to enroll in and any internship programs that you feel can help you further bolster your learning at the institution. End the statement of purpose.

Again, you have to write a new essay. You cannot use any part of your current essay because the information located within it does not apply to a statement of purpose. I have given you detailed instructions regarding how to write a statement of purpose. Follow the instructions in order to easily develop a new and more applicable essay. I hope I was able to help you.

Graduate / Believe in what you do, hunt for it, this will take where you need to go. [4]

Madhumitha, can you be more specific about what masters degree you are applying to? You have presented a tremendous amount of information but you did not really refer to what masters degree course you are applying for admission to. I suggest that you mention that somewhere in your essay just to point the reviewer in the right direction. He needs to know what course he has to consider you for admission to.

As with all other statements, it is important that you do not dwell so much on your childhood interests in science and computers. You should actually avoid discussing that because it does not really relate directly to your current interests as those tend to change during your childhood years. In fact, I believe you pointed this out at the beginning of your essay.

What you can do to make your statement of purpose more effective is revise it. After you identify what your masters degree course will be, you can then present your information related to that field. Give an overview of your college degree and how it helped you get a start in your career. Then, discuss any recent training that you had that helped you further improve your theoretical or practical skills in this yet to be identified field. As a masters degree student, it is an accepted fact that you should be looking towards the enhancement of your current profession and advancement of your career.

Those are the two important topics that you should also discuss in your essay in order to provide the purpose for your desire to be given a student slot in the masters class this coming term. I don't really see those points being covered in your current essay. The information that you currently have in it is best suited for a transfer essay instead of a SOP.

To recap, you have to do the following:
1. Identify the masters course you want to enroll in.
2. Explain why you have an interest in this course.
3. Create a professional outlook for yourself that will further support your desire and need for higher studies.

If you review your current essay, it really does not contain much information that can be considered useful for the reviewer. It can really use a revision.

Scholarship / 'How can I strive to become a better person?' Leader answering a question [2]

Jose, I read your essay and I have to say that I think you are answering the wrong question. Instead of trying to explain how you can strive to be a better person, you should instead be discussing why you are striving to be a better person. That is the question that I was able to form in my mind after completely reading and analyzing your essay.

You talk strongly about helping to make the world that you move in a better place. By discussing Isaiah Berlin, you have shown the reviewer that you are not merely paying lip service when you say you strive to be a better person. You actually are trying to improve yourself. It would have been nice to read a part in your essay that discusses how you see yourself influencing other people to become better themselves through your own self improvement actions. That would have actually brought your discussion to a complete loop. I say that because the way you speak in the essay reminds me that when one becomes a better person, he has the opportunity to pay it forward by helping others better themselves as well.

Basically, your essay is quite good. You just need to work on the formatting because right now, all your discussions as squished on the page. It looks like a jumble of words that are hard to read. So you should work on dividing the essay into discussion paragraphs. By dividing the topics into specific sections, you will also be able to better assess if you left anything that you wanted to say out of the paper or, if you want to add something to what you have already said.

I will admit that I spotted some grammar errors in the paper. However, since I am making some content suggestions, I don't feel I should point those out for correction at the moment. That is the last step towards finalizing your essay and we are still far from that point.

Graduate / Effective points for studying Petroleum Engineering as a EEE engineer [12]

Mohammed, this is not a study plan nor a statement of purpose. This is more of a general personal essay that talks of your achievements and background. If you want to get a research scholarship, you will need to develop a totally new essay that will focus on your desire to complete some research work at the university.

When you compose your next version of your statement of interest, try to concentrate on the reasons why you are interested in pursuing this field of petroleum engineering. You need to outline your desire to improve the way that energy is harvested from nature and how it can be made even cleaner, more efficient, and if possible, create a renewable energy source from the already existing technology. That will be the basis of your statement of interest in a particular research field. You can't apply for a research scholarship if you don't have a research plan to present. Your studies should be focused on developing your research, with the objective of having a solid purpose or application towards the end of your masters degree studies. In other words the research project should cover a good 4 year of academic study in order to qualify for such a grant. Be specific. Present a hypothetical statement that you feel can be answered by a deeper understanding of Petroleum Engineering. Then explain why you feel why that particular research is important for the advancement of the PE field.

Consider the works of the professor that you want to shadow and work with as an assistant at the university. Try to come up with a project of your own that will build upon the foundation of the research results of this professor. If you can create that particular study connection in your plan, then you will be able to inform the reviewer as to why you feel that studying at their university is of the utmost importance to you.

I have a friend who is on a research scholarship in Australia. It is not an easy thing to do because your research needs to actually show the university that it has some sort of real world application or relevance. He has been working with a particular professor for most of the years he has been in Australia and he has yet to come to some convincing practical application for his study. So if you want to get a research scholarship grant, you are going to have to come up with a highly convincing study plan that has some real world relevance. It won't be easy but it can be done.

Undergraduate / Saving the world... from outside the world. -CommonApp Personal Essay [8]

Abdeali, the main problem is that you start the story from when you were 8 years old. The problem that you want to solve is a real world adult problem. I always say that any story that happened to you before you hit high school will be hard to sell to the reviewer. It is hard to make the reviewer believe in the kind of influence and impact that the story made on you because you were simply too young to be that profoundly affected by it.

If you want to use that story for the background, then bring your age up from 8 to 15. That is the age when a child normally starts being strongly influenced by the things that he sees and experiences in life. This is the age when these sorts of experiences, such as your visit to your parent's country ends up creating an impact on the child that makes him wish to change the the world. That is another thing, the experience that you had with your parents mostly covers the power outage plaguing the city. I would rather you omit that and instead, focus on the trip to the rooftop and how it made an impact on you. Remember, the impact should be from the point of view of a teenager who understand what is being discussed with him. Not a child who will tend to forget what was said.

The story about the influence of that visit should be at the bottom part of the essay not at the beginning. I already explained why the Mars story should be at the top in the previous thread so I won't repeat it here. I will however, offer a suggestion as to how you can transition into that story from the Mars plot. Here is a sample transition:

I know that I have some pretty lofty dreams and ambitions for my Mars project. I know it can change the world. Somehow though, I feel that I would not have been blessed to have this kind of imagination and concern for our world if I had not spent a fateful night on the rooftop of my cousin's home when my parents and I went to visit him and his parents in (country name).

From that point you can open a new paragraph and tell the story, skipping the electricity shortage to save on word count and keep the essay on point. I hope my suggestion helps :-)

Undergraduate / An activist of veganism - College Application Essay / Following The Prompt? [5]

Hmm... I am not sure about how I can help you with coming up with a title for your essay. I'm not really familiar with veganism so I might make a few mistakes with my suggested titles. I'm going to give it a try even though I am not sure if I will be on the right track. Here's my list of suggested titles:

1. How Veganism Changed My Life

2. Veganism Isn't Hard to Understand

3. I'm a Vegan and Proud of It

4. Veganism is Here to Stay

5. Nothing Against Meat Eaters But...

6. The Contribution of Veganism to My Life

7. So I'm a Vegan, Don't Scoff At It !

8. Want to Live Better? Try Going Vegan

Like I said, I am not sure how well I can come up with a title for you being unfamiliar with the topic. My only aim at this point is to try and give you some tips on how to develop a creative title for your essay. Now, if you happen to find a title you can work with in the list, then feel free to use it :-)

Undergraduate / Saving the world... from outside the world. -CommonApp Personal Essay [8]

Abdeali, it would be in the best interest of your essay if you would place your problem or thesis for response somewhere within the first paragraph of your essay. Normally, the thesis prompts are placed at the start in order to create an interesting hook for the reviewer. In this case, I do not believe that the reviewer will be reeled in by your story from when you where 8 years old. It is actually because of that long story that your essay has gone over the word count. without it, your essay will not only be shorter, but it will also offer you an opportunity to better discuss the problem that you want to solve.

I like the concept of solving the overpopulation of the world through the colonization of Mars. I believe that you should make that paragraph your first paragraph. That way you present an actual problem and then spend the rest of the essay expounding upon the possible solutions that you creatively thought of. That one paragraph presented a multitude of problems and solutions that are sure to benefit mankind.

What are the most pressing problems that all nations of the world face? Over population and unemployment. With your plan, you actively discuss a current problem and present a highly creative solution to the two situations. Overpopulated? Let's figure out how to colonize a planet. Unemployment? Let's retrain the jobless for future work as Mars colonizers. Wow! Now that would really make for an interesting essay. I am almost sure that it will be an essay that the reviewer will remember among the piles of essays that he will have to read.

You don't really need to present that very thorough background about the development of your love for space and space exploration. That aspect of your current essay actually takes up more than 80% of the paper. Just skip that paragraph and use it to present the problems and solutions that you creatively thought of. I assure you it will not only improve the paper, but it will also create the captivating hook that you need to interest the reviewer in what you have to say.

Scholarship / Chevening Eassy: Leadaship and Influence [7]

Xab, just a quick note on your essay. The resulting resignation of your vice president does not instill any confidence in your leadership skills. If the end result of a problem that you faced resulted in the loss of a team member, regardless of the reason and whether the team member willingly resigned the post or not, does not bode well for your leadership skills. A good leader would have been able to prevent the resignation and help the vice president come to some sort of work schedule that could have been workable for both of them. I suggest that you do not use that example for your leadership skills as president of NAPS. Find some other scenario that resulted in a positive outcome for the board or members of the organization. The last image you want to leave the reviewer with is that somebody resigned under your watch.

Here are some grammar corrections for your essay:

Par. 1:
In other order to be most effective
with a strong believe belief in ones

Par.2:
This The duties involved included organizing executive meetings
* Note my comment about not using the story of the resigned vice-president in this paragraph.

Par. 3:
while working with s Solar e Electric s Systems Ltd.
I had a huge mailing to complete - Do you mean sending out letters? Explain what the activity is for the information of the reviewer.

on other task tasks that
---

So far the essay has become stronger than the previous version. It is only weakened because of the reference to the resigned vice-president. If you can just revise that part, the essay should be ready to use already.

Undergraduate / Why Georgia Tech? - An aspiring entrepreneur and engineer [6]

Now that you mention it, I believe that the reference to T&M is something that can be omitted from the response. While it is interesting to note that you would like to participate in it, maybe there are other lesser known programs at the university that can capture your attention and your willingness to join? Do you know of any?

As far as I know, this type of statement is simply meant to offer the reviewer an insight into how much you know about the school. Answers to this prompt normally require a little research since you need to get to know both the academic and social aspects of the university. The essays that I have read in response to this prompt try to bring a balance of academic and social interests. Some students even going so far as to making their own suggestions as to how they plan to start some activity based upon the example of some other university organization. That helps to show that their interest in the university includes a desire to improve the already admirable academic and social offerings already in place. Reviewers sometimes take note of such active school spirit in incoming students. That can also help make your statement more unique than the others. Like I said, it will require some research, but it should be well worth the time spent researching :-)

Why don't you try to expand on your interest in joining the fraternity? Which of their activities do you think you will enjoy the most and why? Explain its connection to your Indian background. Delve deeper into the fraternity relationship and how you see it helping you create a professional network in the future. That is what joining fraternities are all about anyway :-)

Most specially, I think you should discuss how you see yourself as a unique person with varied interests that can be best addressed by Georgia Tech simply because of what Georgia Tech is. Then explain that you know there is more to GT than location, rankings, athletics, and academics. That is why you chose to attend Georgia Tech, to find out more about what makes it a special school for its current students and for those desiring to enroll there.

I hope my suggestions are helpful :-)

Graduate / Why I Had to Quit the Sport I'd Played All My Life UT Application Essay [2]

Mack, while I admire this essay for the personal insight that you have provided to the reader, I think that you can opt to discuss a more relevant topic to the prompt other than this one. Somehow, there was no real skill involved in overcoming this obstacle. If you can really consider giving up cheer-leading a circumstance, obstacle, or conflict in your life. Wait, okay, I take that back. Maybe it can be considered a conflict because it was taking time away from your studies. However, it is a bit of a stretch for me to consider giving up the sport a skill or resource that you had to use to resolve the issue. I think you need to consider something with more impact when you discuss this prompt. Something that actually prodded you to make a real, life altering change in your life.

For example, if you were a cheerleader who got injured and were told that the injury was career ending. However, you refused to accept that verdict regarding your cheerleading career. So you worked with a therapist over a number of months, getting better and better, and then, just when you were on the verge of a return to the cheerleading group, you suffered a setback. Then another one. But even with all these setbacks, you managed to get back to optimum condition and rejoined the team. That would be more along the lines of the prompt. You would have needed to utilize certain skills and resources in order to complete your therapy and get back to your spot on the team. This one, relating to simply taking advanced college courses, does not really indicate the need to go down that path of using skills and resources.

If you can, try to review the essay that you wrote and try to make it more prompt responsive. You need to be able to accurately reflect the necessary elements of the prompt in order to present the best possible essay response to it. It just might be necessary for you to choose a totally different personal experience for it. Whatever you decide to do, just keep in mind the prompt requirement, you need to display a skill or use of resources to have overcome the obstacle or conflict. I just don't see that happening with this current essay.

Graduate / SOP - Arizona State University (I don't have a great profile but want to try my best with my SOP) [3]

Harshini, the first thing you have to do is lose the formal letter format with your SOP. An SOP or statement of purpose, is just a simple essay that outlines your plans for your masters degree course. It does not have anything to do with writing a letter. The reviewer is just expecting to read a direct to the point essay that gives him the information he needs to know about you.

Next, you really need to drop all references to your childhood interest in computers. You are applying for admission to a masters degree course. Childhood interests in the field are considered trivial and irrelevant to your current career path. Learning to doodle using the stylus pen isn't important in this case. As a masters degree student, the reviewer does not need to know your earliest history with computers. Only your most recent exposure. That is what tells him if you will be qualified to be a masters degree student or not.

That said, you should review your essay and try to concentrate on your more recent exposure to computers and the particular field that you are applying to for enrollment. Highlight any awards and commendations your received in college, including any publications of your work in notable journals. This will help establish the seriousness of your desire to pursue higher studies. If you have any related attendance at seminars and symposiums during the recent past, discuss it. You need to create the image of a dedicated professional who knows what direction his career should be taking.

You do not need to discuss your college classes per semester. You don't need to discuss the classes at all unless there is something notable about you that came out of it. I am wondering if you have any work or internship experience in the field that you are pursuing? It would add importance to your application and provide a possible career path consideration for you. Normally, masters degree students have some sort of relevant work experience to point to in relation to their interest in masters studies. It usually helps the essay because it tells the reviewer that you already have a practical application for the lessons you will be learning.

Right now, this sounds more like a generalized personal statement instead of a statement of purpose. Using the notes above, you should be able to get the essay on track towards becoming a proper statement of purpose. Your goal, is to make sure that the reviewer will come to understand why you feel that pursuing these advanced studies will be beneficial to your current career, provide an idea as to where you see your career going in the future (after you graduate from the masters studies), and finally, how you see yourself effecting a positive change in the field you have chosen to work in.

Undergraduate / SHOPPING IN THE GROCERY STORE - tortured by choice dillemmas [6]

Focus on the move to the United States to live with your sister. Explain the character of your sister and how she may not be as responsible as she should be because of the way you were both raised in Korea. Explain the Korean culture of submissiveness to parents. Then discuss how that culture left you lost and confused in the United States. Explain that you came to realize that you needed to take charge of your life and your sister's life if the two of you were to survive in the new country.

Then you can use the story at the grocery store. But rather than constantly repeating the cycle of indecisiveness, just tell the story once. Make sure that the story ends with you realizing that you were now an adult. Your parents trusted you to come to the U.S. with the ability to care for yourself and, if need be, your sister as well. Create a pivotal point in the grocery store where you realized that your parents were no longer around to make decisions for you. So, wrong or right, you were now in charge of something more than just groceries, you were in charge of your future. The decision making process that goes with grocery shopping was just the start of that adventure for you.

Do you think that you can use that premise for your essay? I think it will only require you to make a few adjustments to your original essay. It will also become more interesting if you discuss your coming of age in terms of never knowing that when your parents sent you off to live with your sister, they already considered you an adult. So basically, you transitioned to adulthood without even knowing it was happening at first :-)

Undergraduate / pb&j's - Peanut butter jelly! Common app essay [2]

Janice, you are way off the mark with this essay. The prompt wants you to discuss a specific moment in time when your parents finally decided to consider you an adult. Being a 4 year old who hated peanut butter and jelly sandwiches definitely does not fall under that criteria. So you will need to go back to the draft board for this essay. You need to come up with a totally new essay. This one is not usable. Not a single part of it can be used because it does not properly respond to the prompt.

The theme of this essay is usually something in your culture that signifies your being ready to accept more responsibility as an older member of society. In some cases, this could be something as simple as getting a driver's license, moving to a new country and taking responsibility for grocery shopping, or helping to care for an aging relative. In some cultures, this is recognized as a Quincenerea, a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, a debut, turning 21, hunting or fishing for the first time, etc. Even the mere act of being placed in charge of your younger sibling for a day or two while your parents are away can signify such a transition. I am hoping that there is something in your family background that falls along these lines because that is what you have to write about.

The beginning of this essay should always reflect the immaturity that you had before the start of the transition. Then discuss the lessons you learned during the transition. Finally, talk about who you became after the transition was completed. That is the normal process for this essay. If you are able to draft a better better than responds to the prompt, please post it here so that we can help you further improve it :-)

Undergraduate / "Study for the benefit of others. Why not change the world?" Boston College Supplement [2]

Janice, what is the word count limit on this essay? There is actually a whole portion of the essay that you can add to in discussion of why and how you have become inspired to change the world. I was really struck by the words that your mother had framed onto the wall of your room. It makes a lot of sense. Those are strong inspirational words. However, you did not fully develop the effect of the statement in your life.

As a reviewer, I would look for instances when those words had an impact on your life. When those very words began to spark the "magis" in you so that you developed into this person who wants to change the world as a member of Doctors Without Borders. Give us the background. What inspired your mother to stick those words up on your bedroom wall? What were you like before then?

I also believe that your essay will benefit tremendously if you can offer the reviewer a look into your immediate plans to help change the world as a member of Boston College. What particular university organizations do you look forward to joining that can help you further support your desire to change the world? Being able to relate the school activities and organizations with your passion in life, and showing how it can help spark a stronger desire within you always helps improve an essay of this sort.

The rest of the essay is strong and shows a strong sense of commitment to your future. I would retain everything in the end part and just work on improving the middle part. Fill in the gap that exists between the postings on the wall and how you came to apply at Boston College. That will work just fine :-)

Undergraduate / Busy and the most sensitive summer 15 when something had been changed - Personal Essay [9]

Ali, about the title, I was thinking that perhaps "Summer of Change" would be a good title for this piece. Unless of course you have a more creative title in mind for it :-) I noticed that you added some lines to the previous essay in this version. So we need to work on some more grammar corrections per paragraph. Here we go :-)

Par. 1:
But the summer of 2015 was the busiest and most sensitive summers I have ever experienced in my life.
and I cannot forget the MY most highlighted day of summer 2015.

Par. 2:
show a film to the children and give them educational INSIGHTS.

Par. 3:
During those talks with the children, all at once I noticed a little girl staring at me innocently.
Zahra did not have access to the things that I told HER could help her
I understood UNDERSTAND Zahra and want to help her
because I know that how it is tough IT IS to live for your goals and dreams
not to let the noise of other'S opinions drown out your own inner voice.
Only the possibility KNOWING that she can be a writer with this help

Par. 4:
Meeting Zahra who was ambitious like myself, inspired my mindset ME.

Undergraduate / I AM STARING AT INFINITY - Essay for Film Studies [9]

Ali, you finally got it :-) This is the best version of your story so far. I do believe that you can already use this version of the essay to respond to the prompt. There are no more loose ends that need to be cut away from the story. It is tight, informative, insightful, and offers a lesson about coming into oneself when the time is finally right. I believe that this will be acceptable to the reviewer. I would just like to point out some important grammar corrections if you don't mind :-)

Par. 1:
It is said that the position of the stars influences events and AN individual's destiny.
Similarly, I believe that there are the dots in the individuals' 'S life IN which their position and connection with each other influence the PERSON'S future.

events in my life that have led me to understand and believe IN my talent and ability in art and film making

Par. 2:
Being AN artist.
During the MY three years of the middle school
However, I really would not pay attention WAS NOT PAYING ATTENTION to that;
But at ON the last day of the middle school, my art teacher made an alteration in CHANGED my life.
that conversation made us aware of the artistic talent that previous to that PREVIOUSLY, neither I nor my parents knew about it .

Par. 3:
Being lost. The high school years were the slow-motion part of my life.
I would just study the lessons that I did not know what will do for me in the future WAS NOT SURE WOULD HELP ME IN THE FUTURE.

My parents would encourage me for BASED ON my scores,
I did not know where I was going to .
The more I approached to the end of the high school,
During those years, whenever I would pass by that art school, a lot of unanswered questions would pass through my mind in the blink of an eye .

Par. 4:
Being A film maker
I did not want spend the years of my life pointlessly from the bottom of my heart LIVING MY PARENTS DREAMS FOR ME.
During this period, in mid-autumn of the last year,
going to give an entrance test for a seven-month period of film making COURSES.
It was only I HAD one more day to CONSIDER IT BEFORE the end of registration period.
It was an art and film aptitude test consisted CONSISTING of two parts -written test and interview.
During WHILE answering the questions in both parts,
I was amazed that from where AT those perfect answers THAT were coming out;
Training of FOR this short course included the basics of screenwriting
Youth Cinema Society was so fast that it had become usual to FOR me to be applauded IN every session
international festivals such as THE EyeCatcher International Film Festival in the United States.

Writing Feedback / There are more benefits of moving around than just staying in a city throughout human life [2]

Dita, I can understand what you are trying to say in your essay. That is a good thing because it shows that you can manage to make yourself understood in the English language even though your grammar usage may be off. I can tell that you understood the essay prompt and responded to it well, even though your restatement of the prompt was a little lost in translation :-) This particular essay really had a problem with the way you expressed yourself. It just wasn't clear enough and could be confusing to read for a non-native English speaker to understand. Let me show you how the paragraphs should have read:

Paragraph 1:
In bygone era, every people tended to stay in a place ...

During previous generations, people had a tendency to stay in the place where they were born because they were comfortable with it. These days, people prefer to move to various places to live in the hopes of a better life. I believe that there are are both merits and demerits with regards to either living in one place all your life or moving around. I will discuss some of those reasons in this essay.

Paragraph 2:
In the past, there were many citizens ...

In the past, people did not see a need to move from place to place. They had a tendency to feel at home in the familiar area, usually where they grew up, so they did not feel a need to adapt to a new environment. However, they eventually found themselves bored at having to live life and deal with the same people in the same place everyday of their lives.

Paragraph 3:
On the other hand, a lot of new friends ...

That is why I believe that living in several places during one's lifetime has potential benefits. When I was a child, my parent's had jobs that demanded they travel a lot. That is why I ended up living in Papua. While I missed creating a sense of family and friendship by living in one place for a long time, I learned a lot from moving around with my parents. It opened up learning horizons for me that would not have existed if I had stayed where I was born. While constantly moving was not a pleasant experience, I learned to adapt well. However, for others who continuously migrate and cannot adjust quickly to the culture, religion, and social scene of their new residence, living in various places over time could be a traumatic experience.

Paragraph 4:
To sum up, even though ...

That is why I believe that although there is a major benefit to living in only one city during a lifetime, the nomadic experience offers more benefits than disadvantages. Those who live in different places throughout their lives tend to gain more knowledge, friends, and familiarity with various cultures when compared to those who live in only one city.

----

I know you are writing under time constraint and cannot always develop the best sentences because you are watching the clock during practice tests. That is still not an excuse for not trying to come up with more understandable paragraphs. Compare the paragraphs above and you will understand what I mean. You do not need to use big words to make your essay good. Use simple words, just make sure that the sentence structure is easily understood and you will be fine during the actual test :-)

Writing Feedback / To make extraordinary efforts to save endangered animal or plant species [3]

Jianfeng, I will admit that you have written a highly persuasive essay that touches on a very controversial topic. However, you seem to speak of the endangered species in general terms rather than using specifics. The essay said that you man should support the effort to save an endangered species only if the potential extinction is the result of human activities. So I was looking for more specific instances in your essay for discussion as opposed to your general discussion.

One way of discussing this essay is by looking into the illegal tuna fishing. This activity, by man, has led to the demise of dolphins. When the tuna fish is harvested, the dolphins, that live in the same waters, also get harvested. The dolphins get caught in the nets and die. This illegal fishing activity has cause the endangerment of the dolphins. Therefore, man should do what he can to save the dolphins from becoming an endangered species.

That said, it is important to note that while your essay successfully argues your support of the policy, you neglected to address the possible problems arising from the said policy. I do not doubt that the lack of that discussion is because you decided to discuss the endangerment of animals on a general scale instead of on a specific platform. Had you chosen a specific type of animal endangerment to address, you would have been able to discuss the consequences of implementing the policy and how you still support the policy regardless of the drawbacks.

As of this moment, the essay you wrote does not completely respond to the prompt. If you can revise the essay by selecting a specific endangered animal and its accompanying wildlife policy to discuss, you will be able to create a better and more complete policy discussion as the prompt requires.

Scholarship / 'Our legacy' - Erasmus Mundus Scholarship Statement of Purpose on Strategic Project Management [2]

Ishaqur, so you are applying for a masters degree sponsorship from one of the most prestigious European study grants available. It is nice that you are aiming so high for your future. Completing a masters degree using this scholarship will set you apart from the other masters degree holders. That said, you really need a very impressive statement of purpose in order to have a chance at the scholarship. The problem is, as you said, the essay is too verbose and needs to be cut down. It doesn't have to be a full 1000 words. You can submit a lesser worded statement of purpose provided it covers all of the bases that you need to present in an effective SOP essay.

If I were to revise your essay, I would start by removing all references to high school activities and academics. As a masters degree student, you are going to be judged on a higher level of academic accomplishment. While your accomplishments during high school are notable, it does not really play a vital role in our current professional career. That is what you should be highlighting in your essay.

Explain the relationship of your current career with your interests in Strategic Project Management. Don't rely too much on the idea of a legacy as your maternal grandfather explained to you. That is really irrelevant in this case. What you need to prove, is that you have room for career growth in this area under your current work position. After all, why should you bother studying for a masters degree in a course that is irrelevant to your career path?

You already have an impressive professional resume that seems to properly resonate with your interest in the masters degree. Why not continue to build on that experience? Relate to the reviewer how you plan to use the scholarship to advance your future career goals. Then tell him what those goals are. Those goals will be represent the purpose for your studies.

Basically, the essay that you have just needs to be adjusted for content and focus because there is a very long part relating to your high school studies that really should not be there. So adjusting the content should hep you become less verbose and allow you to better present your purpose for masters studies in a shorter essay.

Good luck with your application !

Undergraduate / To be a Mandarin Language Teaching Volunteer abroad [3]

Bian, before any grammar corrections are made to your essay, we first need to know what it is that you are supposed to write about. I am sure that this essay came with some instructions from the university right? Kindly share those instructions with us. Tell us what topic you are supposed to write about. Right now, I cannot be sure if this essay actually meets the requirements of the university for its applicants because I do not know what the instructions are.

As I read your essay, I could not help but get confused. What language teaching job are you volunteering for? It is it for teaching English speakers to to speak Mandarin or is it for Mandarin speakers to learn English? I think that we need to read your whole statement response before we can come to the conclusion that you can actually use what you have written as a response to the prompt. Right now, the language you used is not very good, is confusing, and does not seem to have a direct point to address. It is too generalized in terms.

For example, how did your recommendation as an exchange student relate to your interest in becoming a language teacher volunteer? What activities did you have that made you interested in this field? How do you see yourself using this field as a career path for yourself? What are your long term plans relating to this activity? There are just too many factors that need to be considered in the writing of your response. So we need to read what the prompt is so that we can narrow it down and help you better develop the essay.

Forget the grammar problems for now. We can fix those once the essay is properly written and developed to respond to the prompt requirements. I'll hold off on further comments until then :-)

Letters / Recommendation letter from my internship supervisor [2]

Shiyun, the letter of recommendation that you have contains a number of redundancies that you should remove. Even though you did a task twice in different capacities, you do not need to mention it twice. You can simply say something like "during the spin off activities, Ms. Huang performed the task of note checking under the X and X department". That way you shorten the letter of recommendation. Remember, you need to keep it short and direct to the point.

I believe that this narrative will take too much of the reviewer's time to read. Instead of having the reviewer go through the whole essay in order to learn what your competent skills are in relation to your chosen major, use bullet points instead. By using bullet points, you shorten the letter and make it easier to read while offering a host of information about you. Compare the difference between what you have now and the following bullet point sample:

As a sophomore intern at Global Brands Group during our spin-off from Li and Fung Limited. Ms. Huang amazed me with her skills and talents that I never thought I would see in someone so young. She managed to learn and accomplish the following tasks during her time at our Pan Yu Accounting office on her own:

1. Use our Oracle based accounting system
2. managed the routine accounting works such as issuing debit note and credit note
3. making AR/AP accounting entries,
4. related finance documents filing

It amazed me how Ms. Huang learned to accomplish these tasks in as short as 2 days. She also displayed competent leadership skills when one of our supervisors went on leave by:

1. managing to keep her group working on the strength of her finely honed interpersonal skills and solid understanding of our accounting activities
2. helped check the supervisor's emails
3. assigned the missions to the group

She proved to be much more capable than our initial estimation of an intern and became a crucial member of our department.

Now, isn't that easier to read? When presented in this manner, the reviewer can simply scan your letter of recommendation for pertinent details and take note of it at once. He does not need to read the whole email and then forget the information as he goes along because the letter is too long.

Undergraduate / SHOPPING IN THE GROCERY STORE - tortured by choice dillemmas [6]

Suhee, while I understand the target of your essay, explaining how you came into a realization that you needed to learn to become independent, I am not sure if the way that you discussed it in the essay answers the prompt. You see, the essay is asking for just one specific event in your life that led to your coming of age or adulthood. It is supposed to be that "AHA!" moment that tells you, "I'm an adult now with responsibilities of my own. I have changed as a person.". I did not really get a sense of that in your essay.

The main problem with the essay is that you discussed way too many events that showed your indecisiveness and lack of maturity when you should have only been discussing that one singular moment when you came into adulthood. For some, the event could be something as simple as having a family heirloom passed on to you from a parent. For others, it could be having a debut or bar mitzvah. For some, it is that first time that their parents sent them overseas alone. They were finally in charge of their life and they learned how to deal with the decisions that needed to be made.

I see that coming of age part in your essay. It was when your parents sent you to the States to live with your sister. That is the informal event that marked your transition to adulthood. That is what your essay should be building on. If you can revise your essay to focus more on the way that you came into the responsibilities in your household, then you would have better responded to the prompt. You don't need to discuss all of the lack of maturity that you have in the essay now. You need to show maturity.

So rather than discussing how you find it hard to write a 2 page essay, discuss instead how you and your sister came to divide the duties upon your arrival. Then tell the reviewer about your problem in the grocery store. Don't deviate from the prompt at that point. Instead of falling back on your stories about how you can never seem to make a decision. Explain that you had a hard time at the grocery store at first because you never had to shop before. Detail how you finally came to realize that this was your chance to be independent and make decisions for yourself so you finally learned how to shop for your sister and yourself. Thus, learning to shop at the grocery, along with the move to the United States showcased the informal event that marked your transition to adulthood. Writing the paper in this manner should make it better focused and prompt responsive.

Undergraduate / I dont need force to keep moving - extra-curricular activities [6]

Devin, there is definitely a lot of improvement that can be made with your essay. Mainly because the prompt is not being responded to in the correct manner. To put it more clearly, the essay does not give the correct answer at all. The discussion that you made did not concern any extra curricular activities, only academics. So you need to revise the essay to cover more of the extra curricular and zero of the academic side.

You were already on the right track with your opening statement about taking apart the old television. That was an extra curricular activity that corresponded with the prompt. It was a very strong start to your essay. Somehow, you got waylaid / lost while writing and instead of continuing down the extra curricular road of discussion, you veered towards the academic discussion and stayed on that path until you got to the part of your essay when you discussed swimming.

Now swimming is another extra curricular activity that is directly in line to responding to the prompt. The way that you discussed how swimming helped you learn lessons and helped you improve yourself so that you would become a stronger and more winnable version of you really resonates with the reader. That said, all we have to do is remove the academic part in the middle of the essay because it takes up more than 50% of the paper when it should not even be there in the first place.

What you should discuss in its place, can be something taken from one of the extra curricular activities that the university offers. Remember, the prompt is asking you discuss an extra curricular activity that you plan to pursue in the future and explain how it can help you achieve your future goals. So whether it is joining the swim team of the school, or joining the electronics club, or signing up for something that nobody would have thought to be of interest to you, write about it in this essay. That is what the prompt is looking for. The academic side that you so vividly described belongs to another prompt altogether.

I hope you can post the revised essay here when you are done with it :-)

Undergraduate / Why Georgia Tech? - An aspiring entrepreneur and engineer [6]

Ilesh, you need to revise your first sentence. Try to avoid name dropping in your application essay. It sounds like you are trying to go for influence peddling and that never sits well with any reviewer. They don't really care about who you know and who you mingle with. What they care about, is whether you are a potential worthy member of the student body, regardless of whom you know. In these kinds of universities, "who you know" doesn't always help. What does help, is "how you fit in" with their system.

Personally, I would rather not mention the Model UN team. It sounds a bit far stretched. I did however, like the reference to the Alpha Iota Omicron fraternity. That is more within the line of reasoning of why you want to socially become a part of Georgia Tech. It isn't always about academics in college these days. It is also about networking and preparing for your future.

That said, why not discuss a bit more about your plans to join the fraternity? Let the reviewer know that you did research and that you plan on pledging to this particular fraternity for a reason. Tie it in with your future plans and you just may have written the perfect response to the prompt. You've got the word count for it once you delete the name dropping lines at the beginning of your statement :-)

Writing Feedback / (help to review) 'The way that we dress reveals who we are.' What are your views? [3]

Well, I am sure the only reason that you got a low score on this essay was because of the grammatical errors that you made. As far as I am concerned, this essay, due to the logic that you displayed in the discussion, should have scored at least a 25 out of 30. The thought process is clear, understandable, and based upon commonly known information and perceptions about the way people dress. However, you could better position your stand on the discussion by having said "Personally, I do not agree with that perception" instead of saying "I do not agree to a certain extend". There was nothing in your essay that showed that you agreed even a little with the statement made in the prompt so you should have rephrased your opinion to reflect a finality in your decision to take a side.

By the way, the correct term is "To a certain extent." not "To a certain extend." Extent reflects an endpoint to something while Extend means to lengthen something. You definitely wanted to say that you agreed to only a certain degree. Not that you wanted to increase the length of something :-) It's a common mistake made by first time idiom users. You can look it up on Google.

Now, there are some grammatical errors that you need to take note of per paragraph. I'll post the corrections below:

Paragraph 1:
The way we dress often playS a major role in the eyes of new people we meet.
Personally I do not agree to a certain extend EXTENT.

Paragraph 2:
Does it mean that wearing a uniform expresses that they are all alike people with the same personalities and character traits?
It does not take away a person's character and it definitely does not reveal their interestS, hobbies, dislikes and reveal who they truly are.

Paragraph 3:
A con mAn could be well-dressed, - Watch out for those singular and plural forms.
Does the way they dress reveal their ulterior motive? I highly doubt so IT.

* You can actually combine the content of paragraph 2 and 3 in order to create a longer and more meaningful paragraph.

Paragraph 4:
because if you are horribly dressED, it shows the A lack of interest and their attitude towards life.
it shows your eagerness and you take YOUR pride in how you look , which may be a reflection towards work.
I would have to agree to a certain extend EXTENT, but argue that we cannot judge a book by its cover.
For example, a people PERSON who dresses flamboyantly may not have a flamboyant personality, it is just how they like to dress.

* Refer to the rules of singular usage. The word "a" connotes a single entity.

Paragraph 5:
To conclude , I disagree that our apparel choices plays a role to IN expressING who we truly are ;

You seem to be able to write well. You just have a problem with the active voices and plural / singular word usage. I suggest you review those grammar rules and practice using them to help improve your essay writing skills.