Writing Feedback / The Profit from Losing Money [38]

Hi Mualla, before I get started on commenting about the revised essay, I would just like to say "Thank You". I received the email that you sent to me via the admin of the forum. It was heart warming to read such appreciation for the work that I do for the students here at the forum. It inspires me to do even better in guiding all of you towards the fulfillment of your college dreams.

Now, for the added information in the essay. The information about the Polaroid camera is good but it lacks a definitive reason for you wanting to pursue the sales at the flea market. The addition of a sentence or two about your parents prodding you to get a job in order to earn money to buy the camera yourself should better explain why you would pursue the enticing advertisement for the flea market at that point. Say something about not knowing what kind of job you could get since you were just a high school student, or something of the sort. So the flyer came in the mail at just the right time.

By the way, are we over the word count yet? Let me know if we are so that we can work on shortening the essay into its final form with the next version. Thanks.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

You can refer to your teacher in this essay because she wrote a recommendation letter for you. That will definitely help increase your chances for consideration. Having the alumna of the school recommend you tells the university that there is something about you that will benefit from a Tufts education. You have to adjust the way that you introduce the teacher though.

You can start off the paragraph by explaining how you were at a loss for schools to apply for overseas. Then you had a chat with Hillary (make sure you get the spelling of her name right as her name is spelled 2 ways in the U.S.). Indicate Hillary's complete name, her major and subsequent years of attending Tufts. The reviewer will definitely want to verify her as being a true graduate of the university for her recommendation letter to carry more weight in considering your application.

By the way, make sure that her recommendation letter indicates the reasons why she believes that you will be a successful student at Tufts. What are your character traits that you share in common with the university? She has to explain why you should be a student by default at Tufts by justifying her recommendation.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: My experience as a Volunteer EMT [4]

Neena, cut this paragraph. Make it end at the point where you discuss Biomedical Engineering. That offers the most complete background information for the prompt. The rest of the discussion in the paragraph talks about your future plans, which, as you can tell from the word future, is not related to the background story that you are expected to relate. So let's put a pin in this portion and save it for a more relevant discussion in some other common app prompt, if required to do so.

After you discuss the Biomedical Engineering portion, you can close that paragraph and work on developing a strong closing statement regarding your background. Discuss how the exposure that you received has helped you decide on what your future career should be and you look forward to using your previous experiences whenever possible in your classes.

Essays / My impact on communities. Help me to understand the demand of the following supplemental essay . [5]

Nanda, what is the college major that you are planning to apply for admission to at this university? Think about the far reaching implications of your completing this degree upon your hometown, your mother country, and hopefully, the world. Start by thinking small. How will this chosen major help you to give back to your community? Do you think that by completing this degree, you can effect some much needed change in your town or local community? How do you plan to do that? More importantly, how do you see this particular university helping to train and educate you regarding the implementation of these changes?

I have offered you a number of guide questions that should help you address the prompt. What you have to do now is address the questions by honestly responding to the questions provided. After you complete your draft, post it in a new thread and then we can work on making it more compliant or editing the content until it actually responds properly to the prompt already. Right now, I can't give you any further advice because I don't know how you plan to write this essay. I look forward to reading your draft when you finally it ready for review.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

I am referring to the fact that your country doesn't really have much women working in professional capacities. Most specially in capacities that are normally reserved for me. If you can highlight the way that Barnard can help you develop your career in this field, you can also serve as an inspiration to other women in your country upon your return. That is the aim of Barnard after all, to help empower women to become leaders and inspirations in their respective fields. That is a common ideology that you share with the university aside from Feminism. So you should discuss some of it in order to show why you believe that Barnard would be the best college for someone of your mindset who has a desire to promote women's rights. This should be one of the focal points of the reason why you wish to study at Barnard. Aside from the other academic and socio-civic offerings that the university represents.

Undergraduate / Raising questions about the workings of the cosmos [5]

That might help. I can't be sure at the moment because I do not know what additional information you want to add. I will only be able to tell if the additional information will be useful in enhancing your essay once you present the revised essay in this thread. So go ahead and include the information about the specific interests that you want to pursue in Astronomy. We can decide what to do with the additional information then.

Just for my guidance, I would like to know if you are an Astronomy major in college? I need to know what your major is so that I can better understand the kind of responses that you will be expected to deliver. I will have to be prepared to guide you accordingly. So just let me know what your major is so that I can be better prepared regarding how to best edit and revise this and your succeeding essays. Thanks.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

I think that you need to add some things about Barnard college itself that will help to make the connection between you and why this university would be a perfect fit for you. If I may offer you some additional information to consider adding to your essay, you should also look into the fact that since you come from a country that limits the participation of women in the work force, then you will definitely benefit from the training that you can get through internships related to your major via the Barnard career office.

As for the social and civic participation that makes Barnard a good fit, you can try to mention that you would like to continue your mentoring of the underprivileged or the promotion of women's rights through the Barnard Center for Research on Women. These are some of the reasons that I can see which can further solidify your statement about wishing to become a true feminist by partaking of an education at a truly feminist institution like Barnard.

Undergraduate / My role as the first child of my family [3]

Mubarak, you should add a paragraph that will detail the kind of influence that you have had on your siblings, your parents, and other family members. As you present yourself to be an integral part of the daily administration of tasks in your household, you should be able to also influence the members of the family. Your first two paragraphs clearly depict the kind of responsibilities that you have in the household and also, the kind of influence that you think you excel upon your family members. That is not enough for this essay.

While it is good that you can tell the reviewer about the influence that you try to exert upon the family members, it would be even better if you can show the reviewer how your influence has helped to develop your family relationships. Either by offering an example of how your siblings look up to you as a role model, or how your parents are proud of you, not only because of your academic achievements (if any), but also because of the responsible individual that they were able to raise. Both scenarios require you to offer an example of how you have positively influenced the people in your family. That should not be too hard for you to do since you already started to discuss it in the second paragraph. I think you only need 2 paragraphs more. One for your depiction of your siblings treating you as a role model, and one paragraph that clearly shows how proud your parents are of the young adult that you have become.

Since you only have 150 words to get this done, You will need to delete the current second paragraph in favor of a clearer presentation based upon my comments above. I am sure you will be able to do this within the word requirement. I look forward to reading your revision.

Undergraduate / CHANGE AMERICA SCHOLARSHIP - FILM and Television major [3]

Sasha, you will not have the ability to change all of the problems that America is facing. Regardless of your good heart and willingness to portray all of the problems on film, you won't be able to enact any real changes by trying to take on all of the problems the country faces. As a film journalist / documentary film maker, you should choose an advocacy to represent through your film work. Will you try to change the American mindset regarding climate change? Or maybe you will want to try to unite the country as simply a single nation, regardless of political party affiliation? Address the problems of immigration in the country and how to solve it? These are some major problems that the country currently faces, sans a solution. Your job, as the scholarship applicant, is to choose the cause closest to your heart. Just one cause, and discuss the possible way that film making will be able to help you address the problem and then present a simple solution or create the foundation for a solution to the problem that you have chosen to represent. That is how you will manage to change America. Choose the problem, just one, then think of how film making can help to resolve the issue. Either through educating the viewer or piecing together the highlights of your film into a possible solution to present for the consideration of the viewing public. This isn't just about assembling a film crew, shooting a few scenes, editing it, then presenting it to the public. You are not being asked to present the nightly news. You are being asked to present a possible solution to a problem that can be possibly resolved through film journalism.

Undergraduate / Our effort makes our future. Why would you be a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program? [2]

Aida, there is nothing in your response that proves your excellence or ability to succeed as a UGrad program participant. I am not sure where you got the idea that discussing the lessons that you learned from your father is what you should be discussing in this essay as proof of your ability to become an effective UGrad participant. I am going to advise you to change the content of your response.

Try to make it at least 2 paragraphs long, using a discussion that highlights your character traits or accomplishments in the academic department that will showcase how you can be an asset to the program. That means, you need to be able to show the reviewer an aspect of your personality that will help the program become better and enhanced once you participate in it. Think about what makes you an interesting person and how others benefit from this interesting trait of yours. Maybe you have a civic interest or advocacy that can help you grow as a person by pursuing the program overseas. Whatever the reason, the main focus of your response has to be on the improvement of the study experience for everyone who will be joining you during the upcoming semester.

If you cannot show how you can help to enhance the learning experience, either by sharing your heritage or promoting an advocacy, for example, I don't see how you can prove that you would be a great participant in the program. Currently, your essay is way too short to be considered an effective statement.

Undergraduate / Raising questions about the workings of the cosmos [5]

Salman, don't focus so much of your essay on the relationship that you have with your grandmother. The background story should not contain so much depiction of your grandmother when what you really should be focused on is the development of your interest in astronomy. While I can understand the influence that she had in the development of your interest, your final paragraph, that goes into a representation of where she lives and your current relationship with her is not necessary. The reviewer is not interested in your grandmother, he is more interested in how your experience and interest in astronomy has developed based upon that background.

As a background and interest story, the essay works. However, there has to be less emphasis on your relationship with your grandmother. Make sure to highlight only the development of your interest in astronomy, provided it has not been developed to a more intense degree in other essay prompts. The middle part of the essay that talks about the other people who influenced this interest is more relevant to your background and interest development. So highlight those relationships as well. Don't focus just on your grandmother. Don't make her a character more important than you in an essay that should be focused only on you.

Undergraduate / "Veracity may count against you in this sophisticated society." Bryn Mawr College Supplement Essay. [3]

Phuong, your response is very applicable to the prompt. However, I believe that the reviewer will want to see some solid example of how you will live by the integrity code of the university. Rather than simply stating the story about the cheating that you saw in high school, you should add to that information by saying that thanks to the Honor Code, you know that you will have recourse should one of the student cheat and pass a test which say, you might fail or get a lower score on even though you did your best to prepare for it. Knowing that the honor code is there to support you in doing the right thing is important, specially in situations where you may be asked by your peers to turn a blind eye to what happened.

Now, with regard to the SAG, you seem to have a misunderstanding about what it is all about. The SAG is the student government of Bryn Mawr. As such, the government exists to help the students navigate the constitution of the university that is based upon the honor code. Therefore, they are there to guide you based upon preset rules. The SAG doesn't allow you to just act in any way you wish, which is what you imply in your current essay. Reverse the dialogue. The self-government means that the students govern themselves prior to the school administration taking action. So consider how the student government can help guide you towards becoming a exemplary Bryn Mawr student, don't make the mistake of thinking that the SAG will allow you so much freedom that you will unsupervised. That is not the case. So you may want to reconsider the meaning of that second paragraph before you finalize the essay.

Undergraduate / Does my essay adhere to prompt #2 in the common app about failure?How can I meet the word limit? [5]

Mubdi, you are opting to discuss such an elementary situation in your essay that doesn't really reflect the proper prompt requirements. There is no real failure in this essay to speak of because all you did, was tell the reviewer that your parents did not trust you to take care of your needs as a child. That is where the mistake lies. This essay prompt can never be about a childhood experience. This has to be an experience that you had as a teenager. So we are talking around the age of 13 and above. That is because at this age, you are already capable of feeling failure, analyzing your failure, and recovering from it. Anything younger than that age is not applicable because you do not have any actual responsibilities at that point yet.

Some of the failures that you can discuss here would be losing a competition, having an embarrassing moment that caused you to fail, being unable to perform during a test, failing to do something that your parents hoped you would have been able to do for yourself (such as failing to get a driver's license, holding a party when you were left at home alone for a few days, etc.), or anything that caused you to lose at doing something.

This is a character development story essay. So think of a time when you became a better person because you failed at something that you tried very hard to accomplish. This is the kind of story that will show character development due to failure. That is the purpose of the essay and what the reviewer wishes to read. So you will need to find a more relevant story to tell. Remember, this has to be at the age of 13 and up. Nothing below that age.

Once you revise the essay and post it here for review, please include the word count requirement so that we can help you edit the content to meet it. You forgot to tell us what it was with this version. There is no need to make this version meet the word requirement because it doesn't appropriately respond to the prompt. We will deal with the word count once you have a more relevant essay to present in response to the instructions provided.

Undergraduate / The birth of an unprecedented lifetime bond. Amherst supplement quote response. [8]

Yes, that is all you need to add. I know that the essay will probably change in content, angle, or theme once you do this so I will not tell you that the essay will be in final form after this addition. I will tell you that the essay will be in 2nd draft mode and will probably need to have some more work done to adjust the content overall. What we will try to do is make sure that the essence of this original essay will not be lost once the additional information is presented in the paper. Be prepared to make a few adjustments if necessary. I will make sure to review the paper as soon as possible once you have uploaded it. The essay is really strong and the added information will only serve to strengthen the paper. I will make sure that you deliver the original sense of the essay within the revised version. Feel free to ask me questions if you feel like you need to as you develop the revision. I'll be happy to clarify any doubts you might have.

Graduate / My fascination by Modeling and Simulation. Statement of Purpose for Master in Computer Science [5]

Biswas, when you write a statement of purpose for masters degree school, you cannot go all the way back to high school for your discussion. The correct start of the discussion point for this essay will be from your college days. That discussion should then be followed up by your professional experience in computer science. Let me start at the very beginning in order to give you a proper outline of how to develop this paper.

In the first paragraph, you can discuss what kind of professional experience that you currently have in the field of computer science. Where you are working now, what your position is, responsibilities assigned, and the question that you have regarding computer science or the application of it in your workplace that led you to the realization that you need higher level academic and practical training already.

The second paragraph, should discuss how your college education, in summary form, prepared you for this career. As an employee of this particular company, what kind of seminars and training programs were you encouraged to participate in? What were the inclusive dates of these training? Did the training help you to improve your abilities in the field? Or did it leave you with more questions about your job?

The third paragraph should clearly outline the purpose of your higher studies at this point. Now that you have expressed the desire to learn more about a specific field of computer science. What do you hope to achieve through higher education? What is the purpose? What situation do you want to correct or what question do you want to find an answer to? A summarized research question would best illustrate the purpose of your essay.

The fourth paragraph, should determine why you have opted to study at this university in particular. What is the specific reason that you feel that your education can only be accurately completed at this institution? How can the university help you do that? What is it about the academic demands and offerings of this university that tells you that you will be able to perform better on the job after studying and training with them?

As you can see from the format above, your essay is overly informative but not necessarily focused on providing the correct information to the reviewer. You can still use the information that you have here, you just have to properly format the paper and adjust the content to make it more aligned with the required contents of an SOP.

Writing Feedback / Urbanization is a modern disease. [4]

Vittal, I would gladly show you how to reach a band score of 7 using this essay. However, I cannot do that if you do not provide me with the prompt that you are trying to respond to. The grading of the essay, per band section, is based upon the prompt requirements. I will not be able to show you how to improve this essay if you don't give me the instructions that you are being asked to follow in the discussion of the essay topic.

Kindly provide me with the complete prompt requirement as soon as you can so that I can properly assess your essay discussion for prompt responsiveness and grammar issues. You have written an acceptable essay at this point. As an ordinary essay, without scoring and knowing the prompt, I would say you did a good job.

The final verdict of the essay though, only comes after we analyze the way you presented your prompt discussion. Sorry about that. I'll wait for the prompt instructions that you were given then give you a score and advice as to how to reach a 7 band score.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Governments should spend money on railways rather than roads [2]

Ardian, you are more than ready to take the IELTS test. As amazing as it sounds, I do believe that you can score even higher than a 7 in the actual test. I will be a minimalist here and say that I would give you a score of 8 in the overall IELTS band score. While there were minimal problems with your grammar accuracy and lexical resource, it was so negligible that it did not detract from the essay at all. Your task accuracy was impeccable. You managed to create a more than accurate and impressive task accuracy presentation of the paraphrased prompt and also provided a highly intelligent discussion of the prompt. Your knowledge shows a clear understanding of the prompt and the evidence provides the clear realization that you have more than acceptable English comprehension skills. Give yourself a pat on the back. You are prepared to take the test.

Undergraduate / BEING CURIOUS EVEN MORE. I am requesting help on my common app personal statement [5]

Arsene, when you write a college personal statement, you have to prove to the reviewer that you have a passion for the course that you have chosen as your major. Use the personal statement to detail the development of your interest from the age of 11 onwards. Do not mention childhood devices from a time when you were simply playing with electronic toys. The essay will be best served if you can show the exact moment when you realized that you had developed an interest in your chosen major. By the way, did I miss something? It seems that you did not remember to mention your chosen college proper in the essay. You have to clearly mention that in the essay.

Ensure that this personal statement clearly depicts the development of your interest, your plans for your future after graduation, and most importantly, the reasons why you believe that this particular university can help you achieve your plans, goals, and ambitions. Bear in mind that there are so many universities that present the same major so your personal statement should share your personal reasons for opting for acceptance to this university. Make sure that you present the academic and social aspect of your interests in order to show the reviewer that you have a clear personal interest in attending the university.

As of now, your essay needs to focus more on the relevant information that is required for an effective personal statement. You are trying to present a lot of information, but not all of it is required in this statement. I realize that you are trying to introduce yourself to the reviewer but there are other common app prompts that you will have to complete which will better highlight the information you have presented at the moment. Save those non-essential information for the other app prompts. Focus this one on the personal side of your academic development for now.

Undergraduate / My overwhelming passion for bead making [4]

Okoye, when you write about an extra curricular activity, it is done so without the intention of using it as part of your college application. That means that this has to be something that you do just for the fun of it and not for the purpose of using it as something to enhance your college application. In this instance, the activity that you chose, bead making, falls under Jewelry and arts and crafts. That makes it a nice extra curricular activity to present so kudos for doing something that really stands out among the rest of the applicants.

The way that you described your interest in bead making as an art form is very good and impressive. You have managed to convince the reviewer that you are passionate about this extra curricular activity. What I believe you should remove, as it is not really required in the expanded explanation of your extra curricular activity is how you plan to use this hobby as part of your college education at Vassar. Just keep it simple. Jewelry making is a form of relaxation for you. It should not have anything to do with your application to Vassar. Remove the connection that you made.

Just make sure that the reviewer knows that this activity is something that you do for relaxation and as a hobby. Its potential use for you as a Vassar student is not necessary in the explanation. It is after all, not part of the academic requirements for your chosen major. There is no need to discuss it as such. The reviewer just wants to know how you spend your extra time when you are not studying. Not everything has to relate back to your chosen major and the pursuit of admission to the university.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

The first sentence can use some improvement. It doesn't sound right to just say Barnard because I am a feminist. I would split that opening paragraph into two parts. The first would explain your educational background and close with,"I have always been a feminist at heart, therefore, it is only logical that I continue to pursue my education at an institution synonymous with feminism, Barnard College." Then I would open a second paragraph that indicates your ideas behind the mentoring and other programs that you are going to pursue at Barnard because the university supports it.

I think the problem with your last few sentences is that you are focusing on information that you got from blogs. Maybe that is because you are speaking as if you have already been to a campus visit to Barnard when you have not. Instead of speaking with the sound of experience, talk with the sound of anticipation instead at what you can accomplish by participating in those programs once you become a student at Barnard.

Book Reports / "Tender Is the Night" - need to write a deep essay that shows logic and reasoning.. is this enough? [6]

In the later part of your essay you state that Hemingway told Scott to just make it up and the it will become a reality. It sounded to me like you were in agreement with the discussion. I apologize if that was not the case. Perhaps better phrasing of the sentence would have made it clearer. Overall, the essay needs only a little adjustment like I said, which will help to make your logic sound deeper and your reasoning sound. At the moment, I feel like the essay does its job but has some slight room for improvement. Now, since this is a class paper, you cannot and should not aim for perfection your first time writing this sort of piece. You have to show the professor that your sense of logic and reasoning will be improving over the course of your written work in this class. You have the potential to become a better writer with a good sense of analysis, logic, and reasoning. I look forward to continuing to guide you in developing that talent.

Letters / Cover letter for a School Counselor? [2]

Khoa, this means that the university is asking your counselor / Homeroom Teacher to write the cover letter on a piece of typewriting paper that has the school logo on it. The school stationery with the name of the school, address, phone number, website, and other pertinent information printed on it would be best. On the part of your teacher, when the signature is placed at the end of the letter, the teacher must indicate contact information such as his work email, work contact number, and position at the school.

This is just a simple cover letter that could state anything as simple as:

This letter is being issued to support the documents requested by Khoa for his application to such and such university. The documents and this letter may be used by Khoa for any purpose that suits his need. As his home room teacher, I have authorized the release of these documents and attest to its validity as having come from our educational institution. You may contact me for further details in the event of any questions arising from the documents attached. Thank you.

Then the information and signature of your teacher follows. Now, the aforementioned example of a cover letter content only works if you are not being required to attach a letter of recommendation as a cover letter as some institutions are prone to do. Make sure it just a cover letter that you need because the recommendation letter contains highly different information. For the format of the letter, you can look up any example on the web. The format is the same for job and school cover letters, only the content changes.

Writing Feedback / "Why Mow?" What lawn means in suburban America -> Was I logical enough in criticizing Pollan's work? [3]

In the first paragraph, you cannot make a statement and then say that you will discuss it later in the essay. Each comment that you make must be immediately discussed with supporting facts in order to prove the validity of your claim. That is not to say that you cannot circle back later on in the essay, specifically when you reach the concluding statement, and reiterate the claim that you made in the previous paragraphs. Wrap up the review with a solid summary and final opinion of the overall paper.

Since you discussed the essay in chronological order, the given understanding is that you have discussed the essay in a logical manner. After all, you did not deviate from the logical order of discussion as presented by the essay that you read. Therefore, your concern should not be with regards to the logic of your discussion but rather, the validity of the discussion that you are presenting as a criticism of Pollan's work. My opinion is that you have presented an acceptable discussion, when based upon the logical concept. The criticism, could have been better expanded at certain points, but that would actually depend upon the word limit your professor provided at the start of the essay.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

Your response to this question can actually be made a bit more fun by focusing on the social side of the university. That is, if you really do not want to write about the academic side anymore because, as you said, it is just discussed to death already in your application. Some of the factors that I would probably discuss in this case would be, aside from the liberal "stuff" as you call it, the rich history of the university and the student experience while enrolled there. Topics like the "Excessively overdressed quad troll", the daily cannon, the candle lighting ceremony on the President's Lawn, and the weekly organic market, could all be a part of the social discussion as to why you chose to enroll at Tufts. So combine the social with the liberal, and your response should turn out to be one very entertaining discussion about your choice of universities.

No. don't focus solely on the social side. It would be best if your could present a balanced discussion of your decision based upon the social and academic offerings of the university. Keep in mind that the school that you have chosen to attend is not a party school. It is a formal academic institution that, although liberal in its educational stance, has very high expectations of its currently enrolled students. They study hard and play hard. So present that sort of balanced discussion. Discuss the subjects and professors you look forward to learning from, while also presenting the fun side of the campus that you wish to participate in. Reverse your presentation. Talk about the fun side of the university before you discuss the serious side. It has got to be 50 words each so choose one or two of each to use as a reference point in your essay in response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / 'I am determined to invent invulnerable systems' - Engineering College Supplemental Essay. (650) [5]

Nanda, paragraph two should be very specific in presenting your possible college thesis. That is what I meant by my statement. I am sorry if I did not make it clear to you. This is the actual point in your essay where you can clearly represent the reasons why you chose the university and how you plan to leverage the technological problem solving education and training that you will be receiving from the university. If you could just clarify that the reason you will pursue these involvements at the university is because of the clear connection between nano science and cyber technology, then you will be able to present a more thorough and clear objective to the reviewer. Like I previously mentioned, that is the only portion of the essay that you need to clarify. The reason for your study and the outcome of the research you intent to pursue as a college student will help to cement the reason behind your desire to pursue this specific engineering major at this university.

Undergraduate / What qualities that I possess could possibly add value to your community? To be honest, I don't know [10]

You could open by saying something along the lines of "I do not believe that grades and civic mindedness are the only qualifications of a good student. I believe it is a part of the character development of a person, but it will not dictate how well a student does in class." Then you can introduce your strengths as "Take me for example. I am not an exemplary student, but I am an exemplary person. As a moderate achiever, I believe I deserve the same consideration as the high achiever.These are the qualities that... "

Definitely bring in the diversity discussion in the essay if you feel that you can develop it into a paragraph that will allow you to strongly and convincingly represent the way that your color can bring added value to the community. I am very interested in reading how you will present this aspect of your personality. Try to be conciliatory in your presentation. Given today's political climate in the U.S. it would be best if you could discuss this in a hopeful and positive manner. I look forward to specifically reviewing that portion of your revised essay.

Undergraduate / Why Tufts: On religions and compassions [26]

Khoa, I feel that I must caution you against discussing American politics in this essay. The major reason that you should not do that is because the information that it delivers to the reviewer is incorrect. I assume that you will be going to the US to study or you are already in the US with the necessary documentation to remain there. In the manner of presentation that you currently have in the essay, you are admitting to being an undocumented student who will use Tufts to get around certain blocks to your remaining in the country. Please do not do that. Since you do not know what the next steps of the Trump administration will be regarding the immigration problem, regardless of what you hear on television or read in the paper, it is best to not make any reference to that.

Needless to say, you will have to develop a more proper response to the question. One that looks at the academic and social development that you can have at Tufts which enticed you to opt for a chance to enroll at the university. The current information that you have does not work for the prompt. It just sounds angry and ill advised.

Take a more conciliatory tone and focus on the more obvious reasons for choosing the university. Don't bring politics into the discussion. That is not going to be seen in a good light by the reviewer as you will be discussing a policy that you do not fully understand.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

In all honesty, I think that the calculus equation is a bit of an overkill. If you find yourself having to explain the set up of your presentation to the reviewer before you can get to the actual content of the essay, then something is definitely wrong with the essay. The equation will only work if you don't have to present the original formula plus the new formula using yourself in the equation. That is one reason why I feel like your essay is a bit on the difficult side. I would like you to try something with this essay.

Totally remove the equations from your essay and read it. I believe that you should see a smoother flow in the presentation. In addition to that, you may also notice that your message comes more immediately to the attention of the reviewer. Thus making the response more interesting and informative to the reviewer. You can always indicate your feminist ideology at the start of the essay without the complicated calculus calculation. I don't really believe that calculus is an important part of the essay you developed as it is not even a necessary requirement of the prompt.

Undergraduate / I want to approach my values like limits in Calculus [19]

Mualla, the presentation is interesting, but it seems to waste a lot of valuable space in the essay. Information that could have been used to better inform the reviewer as to the reasons why you were attracted to Barnard College in the first place. No, mentioning that you were attracted because it is an all girl school doesn't add to the strength of the appeal of the college. That is mere an aesthetic appeal and does not relate to the serious considerations when looking for a college. The idea behind you wishing to continue to mentor students is a personal reason that relates more to your past experience in education and does not reflect the idea behind any existing mentoring program at Barnard. If you can find a mentoring program and mention it specifically in relation to your previous educational experience, then that would serve as more of an attraction in the essay.

Undergraduate / The UGA faculty has determined that the student body should demonstrate the qualities listed in the [5]

Shawn, what is the maximum word count on this essay? It seems to be a little bit too short for a regular essay response. Its lack of discussion shows mere overviews of what you hope to offer the UGA as a scholar. The reasons that you list could be better detailed and informative if you could take only the most important aspects of your personality first, and then fit it into the philosophy of UGA.

This is where the university philosophy statement will be able to help you. Read the philosophy statement again and this time, consider discussing the essay based upon the commonalities that you have with the university in terms of life or mission philosophy. By creating this connection, your philosophy becomes relevant to the university and your life there. Right now, I am not clear about your philosophy and how you can use it to help you as a student. That is because you are only offering up a narrative comparison of differences between Germany and America in the life of a student. That is not a philosophy, that is a point of view. So review the philosophy of university and then align yourself and your essay with it.

Undergraduate / What qualities that I possess could possibly add value to your community? To be honest, I don't know [10]

Trajon, The last thing you want to do in this essay is highlight your weaknesses and reasons why you should not be considered an applicant at the university. Why would they even consider your application for admission when you already know and are telling them that you are not a worthy candidate. The reviewer will only have to read the first 2 sentences in this application before deciding that you are wasting his time and put your application in the non-consideration list. If you want to make this essay work for you, even though you are not qualified on some points, there are some things that you can do.

The first thing that you should do is go through the list of requirements again, notice how you don't need to focus on the academic aspect of your accomplishments. You also don't need to mention the lack of extra curricular activities either. What you need to do here, is just discuss the strength of your understanding of cultural and intellectual diversity through your interaction with various ethnicities in your life. I refuse to believe that you do not have some sort of diverse culture interests or interactions. Try to find even one moment that you can share in this aspect and share it.

Next, look at yourself in terms of being a simple person. Not a student or anything else. What do you see as your strengths? Your last paragraph summarizes your strong points outside of the expected discussion. So you should delete all the paragraphs above that and use the last paragraph as your opening statement. Then expand on the discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. That should have a more positive depiction of your personality and strengths.

Never take a defeatist attitude when writing an application essay. You do not want to tank your own chances for admission before the reviewer even gets to see your other documents.

Book Reports / "Tender Is the Night" - need to write a deep essay that shows logic and reasoning.. is this enough? [6]

John, in the latter part of your review, you need to pick a side and stick with it. That means, you either complete your review as an advocate of the beliefs of Hemingway or, you totally blame the letter that he wrote to Scott. You can't do both, which is what the latter part of your essay implies. In terms of logic and reasoning, you were able to show that in most of the essay. Your arguments were clear, supported by portions of the letter, and truly analytical of the letter that you read. I have one suggestion to make though. When you refer to something that Hemingway said in the letter, include the dialogue from the letter as a quote from the essay. By including a quote, you can better present your analysis of the letter because the quote will serve a supporting role in strengthening your opinion of the letter.

Graduate / He reminds me why I have chosen this major, and why working with children is where I see myself [4]

Lauren, you seem to be a bit apprehensive to deliver the key information that relates to your previous educational and work experience. Let me point out the fields that you need to develop further in the discussion.

1. Specifically mention the doctors you shadowed, where, and the inclusive dates. This will take the place of your work experience.
2. Mention the campus organization you are a member of and what your leadership position in it was. If this has a relation to speech language, make sure to mention it.

3. Give the reviewer an idea as to what being an SLP means to you. That will add substance to your "purpose" for pursuing this course.

If you work on improving these points, you will be able to provide the information that reviewers normally consider for these sorts of applications and lessen the tendency of your essay be secretive but rambling. You have to specifically mention the doctors you shadowed and the dates because the reviewer will be keen to verify that information. You can no longer just mention these sorts of experience without offering supporting information because these are now verified by universities that you apply to in most instances.

Undergraduate / 'I am determined to invent invulnerable systems' - Engineering College Supplemental Essay. (650) [5]

Nanda, there is only one component missing in this essay that would have made it perfect. You did not discuss the possible solution to cyber security that you feel you can contribute to society after you complete this course. Bear in mind that the prompt is asking you to perform a specific task. That of leveraging technical problem solving in order to improve the world we live in. Therefore a hypothetical solution can be presented in response to the prompt. If I were you though, I would not go into a hypothetical scenario for the response.

My understanding of the prompt is that it is asking you to present your possible college thesis research as the possible solution to the problem. You have already mentioned a few times that you have experience in low level cyber hacking. So why not go a step further and inform the reviewer as to how you plan to use your education to limit the possibility of cyber attacks in the future? If you wish to make your essay stand out from the other applicants, then let the reviewer know that the reason why you are pursuing this degree in college is because you have a plan, think outside of the box for the presentation of a solution, to prevent cyber hacking in the future. However, to make it a reality, you need to gain a solid academic foundation in the field first.

Book Reports / "Tender Is the Night" - need to write a deep essay that shows logic and reasoning.. is this enough? [6]

John, I think that this report is good enough for an amateur report on the novel. If you want to go deep, logical, and reasoned in discussion, then you need to delve deeper into the novel as well. One way of doing this would be to choose the top 5 memorable dialogues from the novel. Pick one or two quotes per character. Make sure that the dialogue is interesting and mysterious in tone.

From the quote, you can work on analyzing the meaning behind the statement rather than analyzing the meaning behind the actions. By analyzing the words of the characters, you develop an inside look into the mindset of the author and his desire to deliver a certain type of message through his work.

I believe that you can achieve that in this essay. You have shown that you have an analytical mind, it just needs to be guided towards discussing the right portions of the novel. Choose the quotes based upon your ability to gain a deeper analysis of the words based on the actions, reactions, and results of the novel depending upon the characterization of each participant.

Graduate / He reminds me why I have chosen this major, and why working with children is where I see myself [4]

Lauren, your opening statement is very strong and shows a sense of determination in terms of working in the line of your advocacy. However, the statement of purpose lacks much needed information before it can even be deemed to be a draft copy of your SOP. For starters, while you mention the university that you graduated from, you neglected to inform the reviewer of the course major that you took there. That course major should have a direct relation to your interest in the SLP. Next, you cannot tell the reviewer about your abilities as a student. You have to show him by offering up evidence of your academic excellence, related program training, and actual work experience if possible.

As with any other statement of purpose, you must reflect upon the end goal of your career in SLP. Why are you pushed to excel in this field? What is it that you want to accomplish? Be specific. Right now, you have it stated in generalized terms. We need the big picture to be presented to the reviewer. It would certainly help your essay if you had any actual work experience either as an intern, volunteer, or some work that you did in a related capacity. By the way, are you vying for admission into a thesis or non thesis program? I may have additional advice for you if you are trying to get into a thesis based program.

The work experience with Anthony doesn't belong at the end of the page. It should be placed towards the middle, as an example of your work related experience. The last paragraph should contain information as to why you chose to apply at this university in particular among all the SLP universities that you could have chosen. Make it strong and convincing. We need to make the reviewer believe that no other university can help you achieve your academic goals except this university.

Essays / Scholarships for Masters program in Finance; I have to give 2 recommendation and 1 motivation letter [2]

Maruf, there are more than enough examples of successful motivation and recommendation letters that you can use as examples for your own work at this forum. Now, there is no perfect way to write those papers so the best thing that you can do is read the examples and follow the advice of the people who helped to improve the essays / recommendation letters. Let me be clear about something right now. You have to write these papers yourself. We are only here to advice and guide you towards creating the best essay that you can. We are not here to write the essay or letter for you. If that is the service that you require then you should hire a professional writing service. Based upon the examples that you will be reading, you can create your own motivation letter and have us review it here. I do not recommend that you write your own recommendation letter because the reviewer will easily see through a recommendation letter that was not written by a professor. Most of the students here try to write their own letters and they find it very difficult to do. It is best to have your professor write the recommendation letters themselves and then we can help you clean it up or improve the content. Don't write the letter yourself.

Undergraduate / Reason of becoming a Hokie - I love everything about it. Application essay for Virginia Tech [3]

Krishna, let's get something straight here. You cannot make vague pronouncements such as "award winning faculty" in an essay like this. Where did you get the information to make that claim? What makes you say that? Have you already experienced being taught by their professors? Such a claim can only be made by someone who has already had the Hokie professor experience.

You can't just say "Once a Hokie, always a Hokie". You are not making a valid claim here. Your explanation is so vague that it doesn't make any sense to the reader. This sentiment can only be made by one of two people. The first is the person who has spent some time studying Virginia Tech. The second, is a legacy student, which means that his mother of his father is a graduate of the university so he decided to attend the university because of his bloodline.

What clubs and organizations would you want to join? Be specific. You need to convince the reviewer that you are excited about this aspect of student life at the university by presenting your choices for clubs and organizations to join.

At this point, I really don't feel like you know the university at all. These comments just sound like you did a cut and paste job from the comments of students and online blogs. There is no clear reference to a familiarity between you and the university. You have a superficial, if not generic, reference point for all your 5 reasons, which makes this a very weak response essay to present. I would try to beef up the information with specifics before I decide on a final copy of this essay.

Undergraduate / A positive change in Dominicana. Summer Health Professions Education Program Diversity Essay [3]

Brayan, your narrative touches the heart but does not allow you to respond to the prompt in an accurate manner. While the presentation of the experience at the hospital sounds like that is what the prompt requires you to do, that is not exactly the case. The prompt is asking you to discuss your background in dealing with medical or dental care disparities. This should be based upon actual service experience either as a member of a volunteer organization or as part of your exposure immersion experience for students interested in entering this line of work.

Your essay needs to reflect your work and accomplishments in this field. Therefore, telling the story about your family's migration to America is not a necessary part of this essay. The experience you had upon your return to your home country is a valid jumping off point, provided you are able to connect it to your interest in the field by explaining that after you experienced that, you decided to join such and such organization in order to do what you can to help those in need of medical care but lacking in funds.

Try to approach the essay from the aforementioned perspective. You need to be able to present some sort of professional or amateur experience in this field in order for the essay to work to your benefit.

Undergraduate / Review on the "Saving Private Ryan" Spielberg movie [4]

Dmitri, this is more of a movie review than a reflection upon how the movie surprised you and how. When you read the word "Critique", I think you decided that the essay wanted you to present a movie review. Let me correct that misconception. You were not being asked to present, a movie review. You were being asked to explain how the movie affected you as person. Did it help you develop something in your personality? Were you persuaded by the movie to consider how you view war and its effects on the lives of the soldiers? Why did you choose this movie in particular? Do you come from a military family? Or are you a soldier yourself? It seems to me that your essay needs more work. It doesn't really offer an insight into your personality because you decided to take an unattached approach to the review of the movie that you wrote. The only reflection at the end, where you make a connection with yourself, shows that you are not trying to connect the movie with you on a personal note, you are just discussing it as a viewer. That is not the point of the essay. Try to revise the essay based upon the questions I provided above.