Undergraduate / Archery develops me both morally and spiritually; Common app - Extra curriculars [3]

Cherub, please provide the complete prompt for the extra curricular activity so that your essay can be properly assessed for relevance and compliance to instructions. I want to be sure that you will receive the best possible review for the improvement of your statement. That said, I can already see a number of problems with your essay in terms of a general review.

The first problem is that you are speaking in terms of present tense for most of the essay as you describe the activity. You are quite detailed in your description and you really take the reader into the archery arena with you. Your apprehension and excitement are evident. However, you do not really display a sense of moral and spiritual development as you undergo the activity. Though you tell the reader about it in the end, there is no portion that actually shows how this development happens when you are doing archery. What are the components of the game that lead you to moral and spiritual development? Why do you believe that this is so? These are the two questions that you do not provide a solid response to in order to support your claims in the essay.

That said, I feel that you have two options for the improvement of the essay at this point. The first is that you simply try to respond to the questions posed above while staying within your word limitation. The second, is that you change the activity in totality and instead present a more relevant activity that shows your moral and spiritual development while doing the work.

I know that some additional, more prompt specific advice can be given to you. I just need to read the full prompt requirement in order to better align the advice that has already been provided to you above.

Undergraduate / "Let your life speak." Prompt 1 - Learning through engagement [9]

Mualla, you have just thoroughly discussed how you parents helped you to learn things in your life. I must say that the way they have educated you from childhood is admirable and shows a great deal of patience on their part when it comes to helping you understand things. However, the response that you provide is not really assigned with the prompt requirements. What the reviewer needs to learn from you at this point is how your parents, relatives, teachers, friends, and neighbors have helped you become the kind of person you are today. Not just the academic you, but the all around nice person that you are.

If you feel that you are a person who grew up with a compassion for others, who influenced that side of you? Who taught you about compassion? Think about your teacher who could have been a role model for you. Why did you consider her a role model? How has her presence in your life helped you become a better person? Did you learn anything from your best friend? Do tell what that is. The environment that you grew up, in terms of your neighborhood or community, could simply be described as the place where you spend most of your time out of school. What did you learn while spending time there?

You can opt to describe all of the above or just one, two, or three specific parts of the prompt. You don't have to discuss all of them, just choose the person or place that has had a significant impact on your way of thinking and the way that you treat others.

Essays / MIT QUESTIONS For undergraduate students. Doing something for fun. [2]

Hamza, This essay is pretty straightforward in approach. The reviewer is only asking you what you like to do for fun. What kind of hobbies do you have and why do you enjoy that hobby or activity? Think of this more as the casual interview part of your essay. The objective of your response will be to show the reviewer that you are capable of having diversified interests that you can pursue while in college. For example, you might be interested in Political Science as your major and you enjoy a good political debate whenever you can have one. Aside from that activity though, you also enjoy hosting parties for your friends and family members. This is an activity that helps you unwind and just laugh with your family and friends during times when you feel that your studies are becoming too stressful. You host parties for fun and relaxation. That is the kind of response that would be a best reflection of the prompt requirements and allow the reviewer to get to know the non-academic side of your personality.

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS essay - seemingly-divergent TV shows and interdepartmental learning [8]

Angeli, always opt to write the straightforward essay whenever you have the chance. You see, the major mistake of the college applicants is that they put too much emphasis on the narrative of the essay, hoping that the essay will be creative enough to get them into their college of choice. That is simply not the case. The colleges and universities also consider your transcript of records, recommendation letters, and other pertinent information that is included as requirements in your application packet. The essays are only one of the considerations when selecting applicants. So make sure that your grades stand out most of all. The most creative and "popping" essays will be worthless if your grades and other supporting documents do not pass the admissions criteria of the university.

That is why you should let your application essay be as straightforward as possible. Your creative writing will not help unless you are asked to write a sample creative essay for admission to creative writing school. So keeping the discussion on point is more than appreciated by the reviewers. This current version of your essay is more than acceptable and accurately represents the prompt requirements already. So feel confident in the writing that you have done. This essay is as ready as it will ever be for submission.

Research Papers / LSM Portfolio: English Legal System Seminars and Reflection Question [2]

Jeremy, where is the copy of the seminar questions that you were supposed to respond to? You provided the reflection questions somewhere towards the end of the research paper so you obviously used the guide questions somehow. It will be impossible for us to review your paper properly without the list of seminar questions that you were supposed to respond to. More importantly, we have no idea what the seminar is all about because nobody here attended the seminar so you will need to provide us with a background of the seminar you attended. It is only after you give us the necessary additional information that we will be able to help you analyze your essay for relevance and possible unanswered questions. Is there any chance that you can provide us with additional information as requested so that we can try to help you sort this essay out? Right now, this research is too long for a singular review. So I would rather focus on the shortcomings of the paper as indicated by your professor. That will help narrow down the help field that we have to navigate with you in this instance.

Scholarship / I would like to receive this scholarship to ease the financial burden for my parents [6]

Thanh, please format your response in an essay form instead of this outline form. Make sure to follow the protocol regarding the way the responses to the questions should be enumerated within the essay. You should not be presenting your responses in this outline format because the reviewer is looking for fluidity in your response and connections between your thoughts and sentiments being drawn out by the questions you are being asked.

The only way that we can properly edit the content and see the fluidity in your writing is when you serve this up in essay form for review. I suggest that you do that first then we can review the content for relevance to the guide questions. By the way, we will only help you edit the paper, you have to write the essay yourself. We cannot write this paper for you. If you wish to have this paper written for you, then you will have to hire a professional writing service instead.

Undergraduate / Challenging English - Learning this language became my goal [9]

Amrish, The problem is that the essay is asking to discuss an obstacle and you decided to discuss a weakness that turned into a strength instead. That is not the same as overcoming an obstacle. The narrative of the essay that you wrote sounds more like it would apply to any of the following common app prompts instead:

1. Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.

or

2. Reflect on a time when you challenged a belief or idea. What prompted you to act? Would you make the same decision again?

Maybe even:

3. Describe a problem you've solved or a problem you'd like to solve. It can be an intellectual challenge, a research query, an ethical dilemma - anything that is of personal importance, no matter the scale. Explain its significance to you and what steps you took or could be taken to identify a solution.

As you can see, any of the above prompts can easily benefit from the response that you wrote. I believe that what you wrote would be best used under the first common app prompt or the third prompt because you faced an intellectual challenge when you opted to learn English.

However, if this is the story that you wish to use to respond to that particular prompt, then it is not my place to convince you to change your mind. I am only here to guide you towards the proper development of your essay. It would seem that you are convinced and decided to use the story that you have told to respond to the prompt. Therefore, I will not try to convince you to change your mind. The content of the essay response is up to you.

If you are satisfied that your response answers the prompt correctly, then you should use the response that you developed. I am only offering my opinion of your work as advice for your consideration. It is up to you if you will take it or not. I won't mind either way.

Graduate / SOP for Columbia Business School - Career Changer; relations between China, Japan and South Korea [4]

Minjun, this is nothing more than a personal statement combined with your statement of purpose. This is not the required information for this essay. The prompt is asking you to present your post study goals in relation to the completion of your MBA at Columbia. As such, it should contain any narratives from your past nor information about previous goals or work experience. This essay is asking you to think about your future in business after you complete your studies.

The only part of this essay that you can use to develop the correct business future narrative for yourself starts from the point of " I will apply these analytical frameworks.." All of the remaining parts of that paragraph can help you create the post study career plan for yourself. Think about your career over the next 5 years and where you see it headed. That is the normal course of career planning for an MBA graduate and that is what you have to present to the reviewer as your future career goals or your goals to pursue upon graduation.

Writing Feedback / Almost every country consider smoking in public areas as a detrimental issue. [2]

Nur, your task accuracy score is 3. Yes, it is a failing score. Why did you fail? Consider the prompt requirements. The final instruction for you is to discuss whether you agree or disagree that is it fair to have smokers leave a building when they feel the urge to smoke. You did not represent that topic in the opening statement which is supposed to be a paraphrasing and summary of the original instructions given to you for the essay. That is the main focus of the task accuracy requirement. That shows your ability to understand English instructions and you failed to prove that you can do that.

You chose to discuss laws that banning smoking in buildings and other facilities rather than presenting your opinion on the topic provided. Failure to properly understand the task requirements has resulted in an overall failure of your essay to comply with all 3 remaining scoring brackets. Therefore, there is no way that this essay would have passed in an actual exam setting. You will have failed this particular portion of the overall test requirements.

Undergraduate / Northwestern's global presence and its inner niches... What aspects of Northwestern appeal most to m [5]

Angeli, what is your maximum word count for the essay? It seems like you need to expand a bit more on the explanation regarding the extra curricular side. There is still an imbalance of information presentation when you compare the academic with the socio-cvic aspect of your growth at Northwestern. How do you plan on using the membership in the organizations that you mentioned to help you develop on a personal level? Do you have any inadequacies, questions, or advocacy mission that you feel these groups can help you to pursue? Be a bit more descriptive about how the organizations and clubs can help you achieve a sense of moral maturity rather than speaking about the concerts, networking, or working at the lake. We need to be solid about how you plan to spend both your academic and extra curricular time at the university by showing a balanced plan of student life while you are at the university.

Undergraduate / As an international student at ABC, how would you enrich the campus community? (250 words) [2]

Sushant, you only have a limited 250 word count for this essay. I do not want you to waste is by again describing what you like about the school or repeating information that you already explained in great detail regarding the festival of lights in a previous essay. Always aim to present new information to the reviewer with every prompt that you respond to. So think of other ways that you can enrich the community.

Focus more of your first paragraph on what you hope to contribute to the Asian student organization and the photography club. What unique abilities do you have which will help to enhance the experience of being a member in those clubs? It would be better if you can inform the reviewer of any awards that you won in photography. Otherwise, speak of your expertise in photography enhancement using software and the like.

When you mention an interest in sports, be more specific. Pick a varsity team to join and explain why you wish to join that team. Sometimes, a keen interest in sports helps to get you admitted to a school. So find out which notable teams the university has and opt to choose one to join. Don't forget to mention what places you finished in with regards to the previous competitions you joined. That would help in considering your application based upon your sports prowess if any. So be truthful in everything that you say.

Undergraduate / 'One In A Million' Northwestern Supplement : unique qualities of Northwestern...? [2]

Nafisa, your response sounds more like a travelogue than a well thought analysis of why you chose to apply for admission to Northwestern. There is no sense of academic connection nor social interest in what the school has to offer. For example, you state that the McCormick School of Engineering and Applied Science is the best place for you to learn and yet, you did not explain why you felt that is so. What is it about the academics of this department that appealed to you? What made their university stand out, academically in your eyes when there are other schools with better known programs in this field of study?

Additionally, you do not make a social connection with Northwestern as a place for your emotional and social development. The description that you gave regarding the school using renewable energy and simply mentioning an interest to socialize with your classmates is not enough of a reason for the reviewer to believe that you will do well as a student at the university. There is a lack of dedicated vision towards becoming a student, applying yourself while at the university, and embodying the beliefs of a Northwestern alumna in your response.

The best way to address the problem with your response is to look deeper into the reasons behind your desire to attend the university. Look into the curriculum, training programs, and social offerings that may appeal to your interest in the university and discuss it in the essay. There is absolutely no need to fall back on a discussion about your high school days because those days will not be applicable to your future life as a college student at this university. Everything changes once you step outside your comfort zone and into the new world of college.

Undergraduate / Invictus- How 14 Words Changed Me (UVa supplement) [3]

Maddi, the essay's first half can use more of the backstory regarding your character before you read those 14 words from Invictus. It is important that the reviewer fully understand the reason as to why those 14 words would have unsettled and challenged you to action for your personal betterment. I know, there is a limited word count for your essay so presenting the background can prove to be a challenge for you.

The best way that I can see to free up more word count so you can present a simple backstory is by lessening the description of the night that you found yourself reading the poem. Focus first on showing how your timidity and shyness posed a problem for you. Why it was a drawback to your development. Then explain that one night, as you were relaxing with a book of poetry, you came across the poem. Then present the 14 words and the epiphany that you had because of it.

Your essay need not be complex nor too detailed if the word count will not allow for it. Just present the basic facts and always be direct to the point. That way, you will get more important information presented in your written work.

Undergraduate / Challenging English - Learning this language became my goal [9]

Amrish, we are not talking about turning a weakness into a strength in this essay. You are being asked to portray how you handle problems that do not seem to have a solution instead. The obstacle part, is all about something that stood in the way of your success. That may be the English language, as you portrayed here. However, you have to show a hindrance that it created for you before you can discuss the steps that you took to overcome the obstacle. Were you failing in school because you could not speak English? Why was this an obstacle that you had to overcome? It seems to me that this was not a real obstacle because the school was helping you learn English through your lessons there.

What you really need to portray is an essay that shows an obstacle that tested your strength of character or resolve to find solutions to a problem. Something that made you rely on yourself and your problem solving ability in order to overcome the block that stood in your way. As a potential college student, the reviewer needs to know that you will be able to handle extreme pressure, as most college students undergo while studying. Along with the extreme pressure comes the need for proper problem solving abilities like analysis, hypothetical problem solving, and actual problem solving. I do not really get a sense of these problem solving abilities in the story you narrated so I do not believe that this is the correct response to be presenting for the reviewer's consideration.

Undergraduate / Embarrassing situation in the Exam Hall because of fear. 'A lesson from failure' essay [12]

You can start by telling about the preparations you made on exam day. You don't need to talk about the way you studied and the crying children and things like that. Just tell the reader that you were taking a scholarship exam because your parents could not afford to send you to school. Then from there, talk about the exam itself and how you failed it. You don't need to talk about the fact that you soiled yourself during the test. That is irrelevant and not part of the reason why you failed the exam. Just discuss that you failed the test, how you felt because you failed, and how you prepared to take the next test for a scholarship at a different school. Then talk about passing the test and the lessons that you learned from everything that you went through in order to win the scholarship. That should be enough to help you develop a more relevant response to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Education a distant dream for girl child [6]

Prasoon, your essay suffers tremendously from paragraph separation problems. Please work on dividing the essay into topic paragraphs by placing spaces in between topic discussions. That will make it easier for everyone, not just the reviewer, to read. Now, on to the other problems of your essay.

You are spending too much time creating the background of the idea that you decided to challenge. Shorten that to immediately present the challenge by the end of your first paragraph. Then discuss how you successfully challenged the ideology regarding female education in your country.

There is no need for you to present so many examples for your discussion. Just choose the person who best represents the typical female from your country and how her lack of education has been a major drawback for her. Then immediately proceed to explain why you decided to challenge that mindset based upon the experience of your friend. Then maybe, you can talk about how it is different for you because you are educated.

In closing, you should reflect upon your decision to challenge the normal mindset of the people in your country regarding the education of women. Before you close the essay, reflect on your decision and explain why, you would either make the same decision, or change your decision, when presented with the same situation in the future. These are the important but missing aspects that need to be represented in your essay.

The current essay needs more work before it even begins to respond to the prompt. Please note the problems of the essay and lacking information and address the necessary requirements as best as you can. I'll be happy to help you work on the essay until it becomes ready to submit. You will need to be patient though. It might take some time before this essay is anywhere near ready for final editing.

Graduate / Machine learning SOP for graduate admission - field change from VLSI [7]

Not bad for a revised opening statement. It works because you offer a complete overview of the motivation, purpose, and goals that relate to your desire for higher academic learning. I do not feel that anything needs to be edited, revised, or deleted from the current opening statement. It should work well with the rest of your essay since the only problem that your first essay had was the missing purpose. You more than adequately represented it this time around.

If I were to critique one thing about this essay, it is the mention of the university along with the purpose statement. The mention of the university and how the institution can help you achieve your dreams should not be part of this summary opening discussion. The university and its relevance to your dreams, goals, and ambitions normally find representation towards the end of the essay where it better ties in with your summarized academic achievements and professional experience. Other than that, the opening statement is great the way it is.

Scholarship / I would like to receive this scholarship to ease the financial burden for my parents [6]

Thanh, before I proceed with advising you regarding how to best present this essay, can you please tell me if you are supposed to really present the information in question and answer format instead of an essay format? Either way, your responses to the prompts are too long. I wonder, do you have a word count requirement for this essay? If you do, then the format you are using to respond to the prompt is automatically wrong. You need to provide us with the name of the student exchange program that you are applying to as well. Each exchange student program has differing requirements for their applicants so the name of the program is necessary for the proper assessment of your responses.

By the way, you should really look into merging your discussions because the essay is running way too long for a scholarship application. Are we still talking about the scholarship application in this case? The content of your responses do not sound like they are necessary in a scholarship application. If this is not for the scholarship, please open a new thread and repost this essay there. You are violating the one topic per thread ruling of the forum by posting a new topic in an old thread. Sorry about that.

Undergraduate / Education a distant dream for girl child [6]

Prasoon, are you writing this essay for a college application or for an English writing class? Regardless of the purpose for the written work, I have to point out that there is a sense of confusion in your writing. Who should the essay focus on? You or your friends? More importantly, what is the actual focus of the essay discussion? There are so many questions with regards to your essay that I cannot even begin to try to advice you regarding any changes that might improve it. That is because I have no idea where this essay is actually headed. Do us all a favor and post the instructions that you were given for the drafting of this essay. Maybe we can better sort out what has to happen with this work if we knew what it is exactly that you are trying to do.

Aside from the major problem regarding the topic, your essay also suffers from grammatical inaccuracies. You have violated the rules relating to the use of capitalized letters in more ways than one in this essay. You have to review your work and correct the capitalization errors. That is the simplest part of your essay to revise. The rest of the essay cannot receive accurate advice from us until we know exactly what you are trying to do with it.

Undergraduate / From a plagiarized song to the song of the year - from a failure to the success [3]

Rohit, the essay asks about your failure so the slant of your presentation is wrong. The failure presented in the current version of your essay is two-fold. That of your failure and the failure of your group. That is an incorrect focus for the essay. You should only focus on your failure and the lessons learned should be one that is applicable to your development as a person. While you did present the latter in this essay, the problem, is that the essay shows you overcoming a personal and a group failure simultaneously. As such, the focus of the reviewer will be divided and he will not be able to properly assess your failure and the lessons that you took away from it so that you could be a future success.

Therefore, the essay you presented needs to be revised to only represent your failure and how you recovered from it. Leave the group angle out of the essay because that prevents you from properly developing your personal failure and recovery from that failure. It might be better if your choose a different failure to discuss. One that focuses on you alone instead of both you and the group. Keep the focus of the essay on you. This is not a group prompt discussion. It is a personal discussion and should be represented as such in your narrative.

Undergraduate / Embarrassing situation in the Exam Hall because of fear. 'A lesson from failure' essay [12]

Go ahead and present the incident in a funny way. When you write an essay, always think of ways to make it stand out from the others in the pack. That means, if you think that you can present the obstacle you have to overcome in a more memorable manner, then you should try to do that. So, if you want to present the event in a funny way, go ahead and do it. That might make it memorable for the reviewer. Use any chance you can get to show the reviewer a different aspect of your personality whenever you can. I like the idea of presenting the obstacle in a funny way. It will show the reviewer that you know how to laugh at yourself, even in the most trying of circumstances. I hope you can pull it off. I'll be here to lend you a helping had with further development if you need it. Don't hesitate to ask for her whenever you need it.

Undergraduate / Describing an Activity for University Admissions - Opinions Come Hither [5]

Normally, the 50 word statement is too short for you to include anyone else in the description. So, yes, it would be better to simply focus on your activity. You were already able to include the others in your description through the inspiration you provide. It is not necessary to explain how they were affected by your mentoring as far as I can tell. Now, if the prompt requirement asks you to describe how your activity affected others, then you are obligated to do exactly that. Represent them as well. From what I can tell though, you just need to describe your activity and what you did in it. So referring to the effect of the activity on others is not a necessary aspect of the response statement. Feel free to edit the suggested text from me though. I won't mind if you want to change some things so that you will be able to better represent your "voice" in the essay. Mine is only a suggestion of how to approach the response.

Graduate / SOP for doctoral computer science with concentration on machine learning and robotics [4]

Sam, for your brief history, start only with an overview of your college degree and then a summary of your masters degree. Specifically mention the scope of your thesis research (if any) and whether you have had your research published or not. The reviewer at this point is no longer interested in your high school accomplishments because, no matter how remarkable they may sound to you, those are merely amateur accomplishments that do not reflect the kind of professional that you have become based upon your college education and current work experience. That is why the focus of your academic background should only be on college and masters degree courses, along with any significant training or seminars attended as part of your continued advanced education pursuits.

For the sake of length and focus, please try to combine your information regarding your career interests and research pursuits. You need to only combine the most significant information that you can gather for this part. Make sure that the career interests represent the method by which you will be conducting your PhD research. That way the career focus helps to illustrate the importance of your research pursuits. By the way, consider the length of time that it will take you to complete your PhD. You may not have enough time to cover all of these research topics. Why don't you just focus on the one that you can complete within the allotted time for your PhD completion. That way you also shorten the presentation of your research interests and focus on the most impressive topic for your project.

Now about your format. The statement of purpose is normally written in an essay form. Not an outline like a resume that you have at the moment. Please make sure that you are using the correct format for your paper because, even though the outline might make it easier for you to present your information, it might take up too much time on the part of the reviewer to read the salient parts of your application in this format. He may not have enough time to finish sorting through your narrative in order to get to the answers that he needs. So it would be best to work on shortening your content and just presenting the information in essay format. I am sure the SOP has a word count requirement of some sort so that will help you in assessing the proper length and content coverage of your essay.

Undergraduate / In your opinion, what are the five characteristics of a successful person? Supplementary essay. [8]

You could do that Sushant. However, if you are submitting the essay to the same university, you cannot use the same traits for the successful person essay. There is this unspoken rule that you should not duplicate the content in different prompts because it shows a lack of analysis and a less than serious point of view coming from you regarding your application. So think about using the characteristics in a different prompt seriously.

If you use the traits in a "dream" essay, do you have enough other traits to use for the characteristics essay? If you will be submitting the essays to different schools then the duplication of content will not matter. However, if you are submitting to the same school, you might have a problem developing a new essay for the characteristics side. That is, unless you do not plan to respond to that prompt anymore? In which case, go ahead and use the traits in the dream essay because you won't be using it for the successful essay anymore.

I am sorry. Did I confuse you? Do you understand what I am trying to explain to you?

Undergraduate / There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve. It is the fear of failure. [2]

Rohit, kindly provide the full prompt requirement as a reference for the editing of your essay. It is too long and doesn't really focus on a singular topic at this point. It is important that the focus of the essay become known so that the essay can be edited not only for length, but for proper content as well.

As of now, the essay needs to find a clear direction. What is the central topic for discussion and how are you being expected to approach it? This is something that we cannot help you with until we know the proper instructions that you were given. The essay needs to either focus on the meaning of failure or the failure that you learned a lesson from. I am a bit unclear as to which approach would be proper for your essay due to the lack of instructions.

You need not tell the story in such a detailed flashback. It just needs to be accurate and to the point. The reviewer doesn't have the time to try and sort out your essay for content. All we have to do, is make sure that you provide the most important information to the reviewer in the quickest possible manner. Please post the instructions as soon as you can so you can be given more proper guidance and relevant advice for the improvement of this essay.

Undergraduate / Embarrassing situation in the Exam Hall because of fear. 'A lesson from failure' essay [12]

I am not sure about how the information about the test that you took. It was a test that you took at a very young age so I am not sure if the reviewer will be impressed by that information. However, I will try to give you an example of how to open the essay using that topic. Here is my sample:

When I was 10 years old, my father told me that we could no longer afford my education. I would have to stop going to school because we needed the money he was earning for more important needs such as paying our rent and buying our food. I refused to accept that reasoning from my father. At that age, all I could think about was that all my friends would be going to school and I would not be joining them anymore. So, I decided to pursue some solutions to my school problem. I learned of a scholarship exam being given by (name of scholarship foundation). I decided that I would try to pass their test so that I could continue my schooling. My parents helped me prepare as best as we could for the test. Then exam day came...

That is only an example of how you can start your essay. You can use it as an example for your revised essay if you wish to. What is important is that you tell your story properly and accurately. Try to write the essay. Don't be afraid, we will all be here to help you make sure that the essay will be properly written for the prompt.

Undergraduate / "Sorry son I can't afford your higher education" - Common App Essay on transition to adulthood [2]

Rudra, you are supposed to be discussing an event that marked your transition from childhood to adulthood. That is not what is reflected in this essay. You were a mere 10 year old who won a scholarship to go to school. That is not a transition story. The transition story would have been if you were 15 and had to work in order to pay for your education. That is not the case here. At the age of 10, you won a scholarship. So someone else was in charge of paying for your fees and someone else still had responsibility for you because you were still a child. There is absolutely no transition story to be told in the current presentation that you have.

You must think of a more recent incident wherein you were given either more trust to perform a sacred duty in your community or given more responsibility for yourself by having your parents or other elders trusting you to make some big and serious decisions for yourself. This essay is all about showing a sense of maturity and responsibility either for yourself or for other people. It is about showing the reviewer that you are capable of making serious decisions that can have a significant effect on other people. This is all about telling the reviewer that, as per your parents and other elders view of you as a person, you are now ready for more responsibility in your life and that you can handle it properly.

Some of the stories that you can share here would be the first time you traveled alone, getting a driver's license, moving to your own apartment, getting your first job and helping with your family finances, or other similarly themed stories. You can look at the examples of how the other students responded to this prompt at this forum if you are lost as to how to start your essay or what story to tell. I look forward to reading your revised essay. I hope it is more aligned to the prompt requirements by that time.

Undergraduate / I want to pursue Mathematics. The reasons for my inclination are many more than what I can express.. [3]

Amrish, the reason for your desire to pursue a Math major should go beyond the sense of "I love Math" or "I love numbers". You need to have a solid plan for your future that indicates a need for a Math major in your future. Explain why Math is of vital importance to your future plans as a professional. Where do you see your love of Math taking you after you graduate with this degree? Do you plan on taking up more studies in the field? What are your career oriented reasons for wishing to complete the course?

I do not see any forward thinking application for your desire to complete this degree, which is what the reviewer will be searching for in reference to your response. Try to think of your future in this field and then develop a response that talks about how you see yourself using this degree in the future. That will be the best way to justify or provide reasons for your chosen major.

Undergraduate / Embarrassing situation in the Exam Hall because of fear. 'A lesson from failure' essay [12]

Himanshu, the way I see it, you should not reserve the information about your failure in that exam for the very end. As you can see, I did not even notice that you mentioned that you failed the exam because you placed it so low in the essay discussion. In the eyes of the reviewer, he may not also get that far in reading your essay response because you did not present the failure early enough in the essay. So, this is what you will have to do in order to correct the essay.

You should write a new essay that focuses on (1) telling the reviewer that you failed that test. Then (2) explain why you think you failed in that test and how you felt after the failure. After that (3) explain to the reviewer how you prepared for the next test that you took, for the school where you really wanted to study. In the end (4), you should show the reviewer that you passed the test because you learned from your previous mistakes.

As an optional part of the essay response (5) you can tell the reviewer that because you have experienced both failure and success, you are confident that you can face the challenges that college will present to you as a student in a country where you will probably have some failures because you will be a new student in a new world, with unexpected obstacles coming your way as a foreign student.

I hope my explanations and instructions are clear to you. Please don't hesitate to ask me any questions if you need clarification about anything I have instructed you to do. I am here to help you.

Undergraduate / Embarrassing situation in the Exam Hall because of fear. 'A lesson from failure' essay [12]

Himanshu, you have a tendency to tell long winded stories that do not really relate to the prompt that you are trying to respond to. Now, I am unsure as to the prompt that you are actually answering with this essay so please provide a copy of the prompt as soon as possible. However, I am sure that the essay that you wrote should be cut down, not only for length, but in order to create a proper response to the essay as well. There is no real failure to speak of in this essay because you actually passed the test that you took, despite the accident that you had during the exam. You seem to have confused the accident for an obstacle that you had to overcome. That is not the case. This was an unfortunate accident, but not an obstacle that prevented you from succeeding in your test.

What the reviewer is looking for here is a story that has a definite explanation of the failure involved and then, the explanation about how you succeeded despite the obstacle that was before you. For example, if you failed a national test and found yourself prevented from enrolling in school because of it, what did you do to overcome the result of that failure? The failure is the test and the obstacle is that you cannot enroll in school. Think of something that happened to you in a similar manner then share that story in this essay. That is the proper way to respond or develop a response to the prompt requirement.

I am looking forward to reading the actual prompt that you are responding to because the comments I have given are still general in coverage. I might have to adjust the advice depending upon the actual or additional requirements of the prompt.

Undergraduate / "I could have been the member of the same lot..." Personal Essay [6]

Amrish, it seems to me that the first 2 paragraphs of your essay are meant as more of an illustration of the caste system that exists in India and less about your background story. There is no need to go into such a detailed, descriptive narration of the class system in your country because the reviewer is not interested in that story.

In my opinion, the true strength of your essay lies in the 3rd paragraph which actually focuses on your background, family, sense of identity, and interests. Therefore, removing the first 2 paragraphs, which currently split the focus on your essay discussion, will only serve to create a better and stronger topic for discussion that the reviewer can consider as part of your application.

Concentrate on your background, don't involve the Indian caste and social system in the discussion. They are not relevant to the prompt. In fact, that information is not even required by the reviewer. So omitting that information will be the best way to edit and focus your essay response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Computers are ever-changing. I want to develop software that can make people's life easier. [7]

Himanshu, while I admire your previous experience with computers and your desire to share that with the reviewer, it is important that you present a more current motivation for your desire to study and major in Computer Science. Look to build your essay upon a summarized foundation of the background of your interest in computers. Your reasons should be clearly depicted in a manner that the reviewer will not only see your motivation for computer studies, but also you purpose for wishing to pursue this major. Consider your computer foundation.

Do you want to become a game software developer in the future? Then discuss your computer science major with an emphasis on game software development. If it is cyber security that you are interested in, then pursue that angle in relation to computer software development / computer science. Or are you interested in using Big Data for some specific purpose upon your graduation? Your motivations and reasons are as endless as the uses of computers and the fields of study that it branches out into.

Before you can actually write this essay, you first need to figure out what kind of computer scientist you want to be. That way you can discuss the proper reasons or motivations that you have for pursuing the computer science major.

Undergraduate / 7 Prime ministers changed after the end of monarchy on 23rd December 2007. [13]

I spotted a few capitalization errors that you should watch out for. Specifically, change the C in Country to lower case. Country should not be capitalized because it is not the first word in the sentence. Neither is it referring to a proper noun. So it should be written in lower case.

Overall, I think we have already done everything that we can with the essay. It is more coherent now and presents itself more cohesively than before. Your voice is clear in terms of stating the importance of the prompt to you and your choice of Cornell as your university of first choice. So, unless you can find something else to fix, edit, or add to the essay, I think you are all set to submit this now.

Undergraduate / 7 Prime ministers changed after the end of monarchy on 23rd December 2007. [13]

In the fourth paragraph, you can cut down on the length of the sentences. Just retain the following portions for relevance and importance in the essay:

Retain the mention of your A Level in high school economics. Retain the mention of "Stagflation" but remove the explanation of how it affected your country. Just reinforce the idea that you have a solid foundation in Economics thanks you your high school studies. Jump directly to the reference to being intrigued by the application of Economics in real life.

Create another paragraph for the reference to Politics. Retain all of the statements that you made in relation to the relevance of politics in governance and economics. Remove the reference to doing research that told you about Comparative Politics and Introduction to International Relations courses. Instead go directly to the talk about the the way that the Cornell Arts & Sciences program gives you the kind of learning environment and training that you need. I believe that these edits should be enough to bring your word count down to the proper level or lower than the maximum level while further enhancing the content of your discussion.

Undergraduate / In your opinion, what are the five characteristics of a successful person? Supplementary essay. [8]

Hi Sushant, I just wanted to let you know that I saw your message in the other thread about reviewing this essay for you. I did not realize that I had already presented a number of suggestions for you to apply in your revised essay. So I guess all that is left for me to do at this point is wait for your to revise the essay using my comments. I can review the new version as soon as you have posted it in this thread. I am actually looking forward to what you can come up with based upon my suggestions. Don't worry, I'll be here to assist you until we are sure that the essay is ready for submission. Remember, do not use the quotes, look to yourself for the inspiration regarding the characteristics of a successful person, and make sure that you create a personal connection within the essay discussion in order to make the revision work for your benefit.

Undergraduate / Admission Essay - 250 Words, Describe More About An Activity You Do [6]

In all honesty, I did not see the objective of your explanation within your statement. I reviewed the prompt that you posted along with the original statement and it did not have any reference to what you are trying to convey to the reviewer. However, if you feel that this is the approach that you wish to take for this statement, make sure that your goals are clear to the reviewer, who might have a different idea of the information that should be presented based upon the prompt requirements.

You should know that it is your intentions for the essay that should be clear here. I am only going to guide you as to how best to deal with the prompt. In such cases, like this one where you have a specific goal in mind, you should go ahead and use the discussion that you are comfortable presenting. The one that represents your voice the best is the one that should be presented to the reviewer. So in the end, it is your decision to make. Compare my suggestion to your goals for the essay and decide which one is best for you to follow.

Undergraduate / Describing an Activity for University Admissions - Opinions Come Hither [5]

Chris, I hope I can call you Chris since you feel like a friend to me already. I am going to show you how I would approach this within 50 words. By the way, does the description of the position count towards the 50 words? Here I go:

As President of the Toastmaster's Club, I indulged in my love for public speaking focusing on science, while pursuing my development as a mentor and leader in the club. I helped encourage other public speakers gain their confidence and speech crafting skills through our open speech activities and training seminars.

Sometimes, the improvement of the statement relies on the proper placing of important descriptions and knowing how to blend the important facts into sentences that can combine other information as well for a shorter, but more informative presentation. I hope my suggestion helps you out.

Undergraduate / I gradually felt a big part missing from me. [9]

AvR, what you have here is a summary of the events that happened to you. In essence, you are telling the reviewer about 2 obstacles that you had to overcome in life instead of just focusing on one obstacle. Due to the number of obstacles you have decided to present, you failed to properly develop both problems in a manner that would accurately show a an obstacle to your path, the method by which you overcame it, and the lesson that you learned from it. So you have to decide between the two topics. Which one do you feel has the best chance of showing the challenge you overcame? That should be the story that you should tell. If you feel that you wish to relate both stories because they are interconnected, then one of the two stories needs to be presented as a summary so that the obstacle focus can be on the stronger story. I believe that the summary should be the grades slipping and the focus of the essay should be on how you felt empty but afraid to take on additional activity because of the previous failure. Then show the reviewer how you slowly learned to balance academics with extra curricular activities successfully. Right now, your story has potential but requires more build up. It doesn't have a proper closure to the implied stories at the moment.

Undergraduate / Since a very young age, I have learned to be independent and make decisions on my own [4]

Priyanka, when you speak of your background, it is best if you do not relate a story that took place before you even started formal schooling. It is important that your background shows a side of you that the reviewer can use to decide the kind of person that your upbringing has resulted in. However, boarding school at the age of 5 and your experience, during a time when you were too young to understand anything or be influenced by your surroundings is not the way to go with this essay. If you can change the age to something more relevant, the essay would work better. Speak of your academic background at the age of 12 or 15, those ages would work better because that would better help to explain the other aspects of your application essay responses. The age of 5 is not an age that the reviewer takes seriously in the sense of the lessons you may have learned or who you were at the time. We need a background story that will tie in better with your already existing responses. Do you think you can do that? It doesn't even have to be a background story, you could go with an identity realization story, or an interest in something that is not academic, or even a talent. Something that presents a part of your personality that doesn't add to your academic side. Think of your extra curricular hobbies, interests, and other non-academic related pursuits. That will best reflect a response to this essay.

Undergraduate / Living in Dubai, I wasn't a part of a tight-knit community like I was when living in Los Angeles [2]

Hashem, is there a chance that you can provide us with the complete prompt that you were given? I am familiar with this prompt requirement and it does not simply ask you to describe the world you come from. There are some additional considerations that come after that. Owing to the length of your essay and the amount of places that you have lived, I am wondering if you have not misrepresented the prompt requirements due to some misunderstanding of the requirements. I would like to know why you are discussing so many places where you have lived with an almost generic feel to it. The sentiments that you share could have been narrated by any student writing this essay. We need to find out the actual focus of the prompt so that you can make your essay "pop" on the screen. It needs to have some portion that will provide uniqueness and recall for the reviewer. If I find out what the prompt is, maybe I can help you pick out the part that can do that for you in this essay. I look forward to reading the complete prompt soon.