Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [22]

1 thing: you sure this fit the character limit?

out of curiosity, why does your sister has a different last name than you?


I was hurt
if you were to stick with have been, it HAS to be spelled out


she has
- i'll stop correcting those things, you get the idea


lol i think it's pretty funny that she thought about it, then became pregnant immediately after


you could shorten this, since it's details not so essential
it's good, but at this point, the reader's kinda tired, so you don't want to add encumbering details


this is some really weird sentence structure. I think i get it, but make it more concise? like instead of "I said yes she does, and then they asked where she was, I told, and at that time escorted them to the back door" maybe say "I led them to where my mom was, and..." also, add "my sister called the police" somewhere cuz it's kinda confusing


i don't think you need this, you conveyed this through the story, and if you just say it, it loses power

overall, great essay!

Undergraduate / MIT essay. A time you used your creativity. [8]


maybe a more catchy start?


i have no idea what you're talking about here. maybe too much encumbering details?

yea, 375 is not ok. you need to cut it to 250 below

i had a lot of trouble with this topic. It's really hard to capture something significant dealing with creativity in 250 words. However, I do think that you should think harder and come up with something more...impressive. I wrote the topic 5 essay (greatest challenge) on PSAT test and my teacher said: it's well written, but I don't feel that MIT would get impressed...

on the second thought, I wouldn't call your project trite, as it's unique and special to you, but if you were to stick with it, cut down the really complicated details about the origami process and focus more on the inner part. i just don't think that mit cares that much about the process of folding a paper. Maybe be more abstract and "sound" like it's a big discovery, if you know what i mean.

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [22]


well, here you kinda repeat the prompt


much more powerful if used as a start

a quick skim of the essay shows that you don't really focus on what your sister's psychological impact on you, except that she loves you and provides you with emotional support, which is great, but not personal enough

your description of your sis' birth is great, and you capture the reader by describing the special bond, but WHY is this so special? can't just be love, or crying, or hugging. it has to be somewhat analytical.

you need to give more specific examples on how your sister was significant to you, other than she is because she's your sister.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]


i think that reading essay helps the brainstorming process. i mean, you begin to absorb styles after reading a lot, and develop your own. so basically, after awhile, you'll be really good when it comes to some topics

as for words, i usually find an easy word that embodies my idea, then use thesaurus to find a better word. SAT vocab study is very helpful as well.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


yup, i wrote mine really impersonal at first, but then got really harshly criticized. so i restarted and made it somwhat more emotional

i guess that's what you have to focus on, emotions. if you can really "touch" the reader and at the same time doesn't sound pitiful and convey your strengths, it's a great essay.

Faq, Help / Question about EssayForum - How does this site work? [103]

i'd say this forum will help tremendously if you use it a lot and "interact" with your editors

also, becoming a contributor is a great way to help and to receive help. writing can be easily improved through reading a lot of essays, and this forum provides just that.

Undergraduate / "I can accomplish any melody" - common app short answer [15]

how did you know i was applying to cornell?

well i'm waiting now for EA mit, uchicago, umich
RD: harvard, UT, TAMU, duke, cornell, upenn, northwestern

i kinda expect to only get in a few of these, but we'll see.

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


i think you forgot to take this out


try making it active. A personal goal of mine has always been to keep an...


which is why
well...i just realized that you kinda included human rights in animal rights, but clearly we have different rights than animals. we have the right for nationality for instance, and animals don't. So, i'd give a different example than animal rights. Plus, it's fine that you believe it, doesn't mean that you did anything about it. Think about it this way, I'm for go green, but I'm still wasting a lot and using plastic, since it's more convenient. So talk about something stronger that you can say: here's how I respect life forms, and here's what I did.

As I understand it, this essay has nothing to do with why columbia (nor does the prompt), so was it a misleading title?

ok, the greatness part...it's the first time you mention it.

i think this is how you need to reorganize. since your focus is how everyone's related, you can keep paragraph 1 and 2. and write a personal experience in which you found out or acted upon the fact that people are related. You could include paragraph 3 and 4, but 5 is just too random.

your conclusion would be great if you actually explained what you did as "work for humanity". (i wouldn't recommend it cuz work for humanity sounds like you did something magnanimous like creating cure for cancer or donating billions of dollars to charity)

btw, the early decision results came out yesterday and this guy in my school got in! definitely impressive.

Undergraduate / "I can accomplish any melody" - common app short answer [15]

very nice.

i personally don't regard the short answer as highly important; your answer definitely is above the requirements and i really think it'll help you. it provides an insightful element of your life that you might not be able to fit anywhere else.

Feel free to ignore my question: what school are you applying to? except skidmore that is.

Book Reports / Hamlet having a problem with himself and three words that describe him - start? [5]

very nice way of approaching the research
altho i'd like to point out one thing:


isn't always the most credible route, i personally prefer online databases such as gale or facts on file (our school subscribes to those), and if you don't want to pay for these infos, then use books and find criticism on hamlet's character.

Undergraduate / designing innovative aircrafts -which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? [9]



these 2 statements kinda overlap. therefore, i'd suggest taking out the first one. or if you really wanna emphasize, then be more specific about the driving force so that you're not repeating.


it's commitment matches perfectly with my blabla

apart from this, i think that your essay is pretty complete content-wise. but you do need some further editing like


my interest evolved


paper airplanes; documentaries. and this sentence has a awkward structure.

there's definitely a better way of saying some of the things here. try getting your english teacher to edit it for you, and improve some of the syntax.

Undergraduate / MIT short answer: something you do for the pleasure of it [8]


impersonal conclusion. you don't have enough word to waste on theories or universal truths

so what pleasure do you find it it? it frankly sounds more like a work to me, but that's not bad. i myself wrote about my community service. However, you HAVE to say why you're having pleasure doing it (outside the simple fact that you enjoy helping people, which makes you sound simple, a bit unrealistic, and totally just wanting to find something that can help your profile, which is the goal, but can't be done blatantly)

and see how you talk more about the impact you made on others than the benefit you got form it? you need to focus on you, especially when you only have 100 words.

btw, the MIT essays are RIDICULOUSLY hard, cuz they really limit your words, and want to see your ability to convey emotion as well as pertinence in short essays.

Undergraduate / 2 short essays: Why Chicago & My favourite film. [6]


all this tells nothing about why chicago

if you really want to incorporate this in the essay, then you need to start with: Uchicago conforms to my adventurous personality because blabla


is that a particular thing to chicago? is it heart of darkness? if it doesn't have to with chicago, then don't put it.

this essay doesn't tell much about your understanding of the school, except perhaps in the first paragraph. why is uchicago different than MIT or duke or other top schools? all of these have nice campuses and great communities, but they're not all the same if you dig deeper, and that's what you need to do

btw, your question 2 needs to be 2 paragraphs (i think...the instructions that apply to question 1 should apply to question 2 right? well that's what i did so...)

and it's a bit long, the 2nd question is also a short answer, and an optional one.


i made the same mistake as you at first, until my college counselor pointed out very wisely that a few means at least 3 things, so that's what i did

o, yea, your worries about the specific is DEFINITELY right. you need to LIST particular things at chicago that you're interested in

lol pretty much i covered the same things you worried about. hope that helps

Undergraduate / designing innovative aircrafts -which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? [9]


perhaps combine this sentence with the next one since they both talk about the same thing?


when I was a child,


As time elapsed


very impersonal since it doesn't have anything to do with what you want to study

instead, talk about some MIT programs such. (you need to do this at some point to fully cover the question)

you spent too much time talking about your passion, and NOT at the specific department or program at MIT that appeals to you.

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


no prejudice or anything, but columbia is a lot harder to get in than any of your other schools =)


put this later

Since we are all related, I do my best...


instead of animal, maybe give the scientific name for humans. animals sound...degrading even if you don't mean it


i dont' know how to take this. it could be pretentious, but some might view it as appropriate considering the prompt...

it's not bad, and you did impart your view of the world, but maybe discard the mention of you passing away. It's a good thing that you want to be remembered, but your life cannot be focused on becoming famous and such. plus, death sounds really far especially when you're a teenager, so mentioning what will happen after your death sounds at best impersonal.

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]


what are you talking about? i simply read the misterjo comment and wanted to check.

Undergraduate / "I can accomplish any melody" - common app short answer [15]


yes, but your intro doesn't echo with your conclusion, unless you mention the difficulties in the intro.

Undergraduate / Racism, UT essay B - issue of importance [5]


avoid using 'you's


handful


example?


i realized


, which gradually annoyed them.


five

so, your whole point of the story was to say this:


while it might be true and impacted you a lot, by setting this as your central point makes you sound very trite.

it's kinda like writing an essay about how i immigrated from china, then add that if i haven't, i might've been killed by the earthquake or something

the prompt asks for an issue of importance and its impact on you. but it doesn't mean that you're done after describing the issue and talk about how you were bullied. what is the moral? all you've said is that you escaped. is that what you want the admin to know about you? seeing an issue then deciding that escape is the only way?

this essay is half complete. it tells the concern well (although a bit too extensively. try to focus on 1 or 2 aspects, not drugs and bully and standing up and beating down...it's all over the place) you only need 1-2 paragraphs to get the point across. indeed, gang problems are everywhere, especially state colleges, so the admin knows what's happening.

then focus on your personal thoughts on it. you did talk about how this impacted you, but how do you view it? see how your thoughts were passive, since you've been submitted to all this? well, you have to become active and actually voice your opinion. how is gang bad? how can this cause a problem in a bigger-than-local sense? is this solvable? have you tried to solve it? or at least thought about solving it? what have you done to avoid getting intimidated?

again, colleges want to see strong men and women, not a coward who flees a problem, even if you can't do anything about it. if this is really the case, don't write about it.

provide a solution. you don't wanna end your essay on a hopeless tone.

Undergraduate / "My Life as a Midwestern Belle" - Emerson College Supplement [6]

yea, that would be something amazing...but still not story telling, unless the song's a story.

it's good to be creative, but the boundaries of the prompt still exist.

Undergraduate / "My Life as a Midwestern Belle" - Emerson College Supplement [6]


haha, love it

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


or you might be living a dream and "think" that everyone else actually exist, when it is simply your dream, in that case, it doesn't matter anymore how many lives you're living right? haha, we're learning existentialism, and i couldn't hold back.

Undergraduate / "I can accomplish any melody" - common app short answer [15]

it's simple, but simple doesn't mean bad. you don't need to put deep philosophy in everything you write, especially when it's the CA short answer.

the point of the short answer is to discover more about you, your passion, what you have done, and such. It has to be personal, but not necessarily showing your entire personality. It's too short for that, plus that's what the long essay is for.

I like your story and how you tie this to your character, but i don't think that your point is to simply say that you're a person who doesn't give up.


this is your central thesis, yet it doesn't echo with your intro.

Instead, you should freely write about this passion of yours, and keep talking about how you love it and your feelings toward it. I mean, that's what your intro conveys, a passion for sitar instigated by your emotions.

btw, why do you need to give it a title?

Undergraduate / Common App Short Essay: A counselor's experience [12]


For two weeks, I took care of Joey, a camper (or worked one on one with Joey, but a bit awkward), who has been going to PYC for 10 years, and is now 24 years old. He has been diagnosed with...

I wouldn't call it a "disadvantage" simply because it doesn't convey enough the harshness of his life. I understand that you don't wanna call it a handicap, difficulties perhaps?

and what if you talked in your intro about what kind of camp it is. the fact that he's handicapped shocks the reader since you never prepared the audience for such a turn out. I thought that you were talking about a kid summer camp


you sound sarcastic here. Obviously, no one is perfect, so the fact that you call his diseases imperfections pretty much put him on the same background and hardships as everybody else, which is demeaning to Joey's plight

you're going from a different perspective, which btw great. However, I do like to point out that you're still not personal enough. You spend too much time discussing Joey and not you.

I'd suggest you taking out the "The job was at times stressful and the pay minimal, but at the same time very rewarding. Being a counselor was enjoyable and I made a lot of great friends on staff." because it's not really your goal here in the story

instead, explain a bit what the camp does, and what you do: so combine your Joey sentence with the intro

then second paragraph, explain some of the activities you did with him, or how exactly did he impact you.

If you really wanna focus on what you learned, then end the paragraph with what exactly you learned or how you are changed.

try to avoid sentences like


and instead actually say WHAT lessons.

hope that helps, i definitely like where you're going with this, but making it more personal will empower your short answer

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

yea, but why fuss over it? he'll probably never read these comments anyway. If you want, call for a moderator to delete the thread...but I see it as an example for future cheaters haha

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


yes, definitely agreed. i'll think and talk about it to my college adviser


yup, i guess that's why colleges CONSTANTLY ask the diversity questions and such. I did write an essay on this alone, so hope that will help me positively.

But just out of curiosity, doesn't this get old? I mean, one of the 'moderately dangerous' topics is immigration since it's become such a prevalent theme and all immigrants write about it. but then, it really depends on how one conveys the ideas and not simply stating facts or emotions.

Thanks a lot Kevin (this sounds a bit informal when addressing a teacher, is there a more respectable way to call you?), your comments definitely provide me with a better understanding of my essay. Although I get your idea on the intro thesis, I still have to think about how this plays out in the flow of the entire essay.

Undergraduate / Claremont Mckenna-What influenced you the most in your decision to apply to CMC? [5]


that would suck, but it makes sense

if you were to cut, focus on WHAT's the influence. state word for word why you want to go there, and try integrating your past experiences in your response. O, and definitely avoid generic statements like the school has great academics, but rather talk about WHAT's so great about it. be SPECIFIC.

good luck indeed.

Book Reports / Hamlet having a problem with himself and three words that describe him - start? [5]

do you have any ideas?

1 word: doubtful/wavering --> to be or not to be

Undergraduate / "My Life as a Midwestern Belle" - Emerson College Supplement [6]

it's a good essay, but not a great story.
this provides a very generic situation of your life, but


the prompt especially ask you to tell the story of your life, which you cover, but not in the right form.

I'd suggest you going about 1 story that had a special effect on you, and move on to talk about its impact and how that made you realize who you are. this way, you actually show the school that you can tell a story.

but it might just be me... your essay in itself is well written and has a lot of personal info, but the structure might not be what the school's looking for.

Undergraduate / 'Key Club and the National Honors Society' - NEOUCOM what will i contribute? [3]


maybe say: my language skills will help me communicate with my patients in my future career as a doctor; I could even travel to Asian countries (which ones?) to cure (better than care) for ppl there


put this after working alongside... and take out "and everything in between"


towards the end of the prog i was awarded..., an honor that


? so you were in middle school when you did the volunteer? if not, say in my current high school


through the

at the end, you begin to lose focus and


very repetitive and generic.
instead, talk about SPECIFIC things you can contribute and SPECIFIC programs you want to go to. so basically: how exactly you contribute to the school and (what do you expect in return) you don't have to say this part, but makes your essay sound more realistic

overall, good essay. good personal detail, just do a bit more research on the school and talk about its unique programs at the end.

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

yea, but it's really just Suraj's business...he prob submitted it already anyways.

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

well, the first couple sentences are from internet word for word, from a pretty reliable source, newspaper i think, so...it's prob true.

yea, from
discovermagazine.com/2004/sep/the-masters-mistakes

Essays / comparison/contrast essay: Two cities [9]

yea, somebody's bound to read it :D

it might be interesting, who knows?

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

mm... true.

you prob should never incorporate things you can find on internet simply cuz it's not personal

Writing Feedback / Dead Poets Society movie vs. my classroom [3]

yea, but that's just an essay for school, plus she's already "in college" lol :D i think it's pretty good for an english lit class. an 8-9

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


i'm really curious, what is your first choice?


which ways? if you feel that you don't have space to put the different ways, then take out this sentence and add another more personal one


realize, questions don't explain themselves. i get that you're using these rhetorical questions to jump to a conclusion, but there's better way of doing so. try avoid rhetorical questions when you ca.

I used to wonder my purpose on this earth... something like that would save words and sound less theory-like


how did you get this knowledge?


this paragraph doesn't have to do with the related part. I suggest that you take the idea that you want to help others in the conclusion out and put it here, and focus your conclusion on reflecting back to your intro. maybe you could talk about your plans for the future in the conclusion, which makes more sense since you would end with how your initial understanding of everyone relating to each other played in your choice of major.

much much better. you sound very personal this time and they get your thinking, which is essential to this prompt. just avoid going off topic. you have the idea of all is one and one is all going on, keep the momentum and focus on this.

btw, my diversity essay pretty much went thru the same change, and i emerged with an essay not too far in style from your :D that just confirmed my theory haha

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


it is indeed a good point, but i feel that my partition here is different. you are right in that i opted for a narrative way, but my conclusion isn't exactly the final paragraph. it's more that i answered the question in 3 parts, and the last paragraph was specifically targeting the why cornell?

my points for each paragraph:
intro: captivate, tell my initial repugnance toward econ
second: evolution, understand econ
third: my interests and the role econ plays in them
fourth: why cornell?

therefore, i don't see an overarching theme in my essay. it's more like a story than an analysis of my interest and such.

i do see your point on the takeaway idea, but it seems to me that if i state my point right away, then there would be no element of surprise nor power in the evolution of my interest.

what do you think i should do? keep it as a narrative, or change it in a thesis with support? i felt that the narrative is special and different than the standard way of going about the topic, but if the effect's missing, i'll be more than willing to change it.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


haha i'm completely the opposite. i kinda parasite essays...


o, good point... i felt that people might misunderstand Mr. Smith's speech AS the actual reason why i'm into econ, which isn't true. his explanation helped me to see what econ really was, and i like econ cuz of my past. am i just over thinking?


i get what you mean, but i think that it's ok to start with not only. E.g, not only is this person smart, he also is blabla means the same as this person is not only smart, but also...

the difference is that in the first one, you don't have to use "is" for the second sentence. you could say not only is this person smart, he also got the award for blabla

i hope that i'm right... i'll check with eng teacher tho


yup, my mistake


supposed to be the cornell econ society, i'm changing the sentence to:

Also, through the Cornell Economics Society, I will be able to interact with other passionate students and read its publication of "The Visible Hand" journal which blabla


help me out here? I really can't think a way of ending it while keeping the same pace as the rest of the paragraph. I actually devoted this paragraph to the why cornell portion, so how can I tie it back to the beginning? my goal for the last sentence is to show the admin that i know exactly i'm going to do, which balances the research fluff, but if there's something stronger that actually catches attention, then i'll definitely go for it.


mm... what about this:

I was amazed by the way this intricate course merges my seemingly conflicting likings and takes full advantage of my understanding of different languages and cultures since macroeconomics deals with foreign affairs.

i had to keep since with the sentence to explain the second portion of it... at least i think i have to

but yea, logical fella, i owe you a big thank you! and ms robot, thanks a lot 2:D

Undergraduate / From Turkey, complex life - Stanford-short essay [9]


well, you really don't wanna get in too much technical detail. this is still an admission essay, not rooming questions. you'll get to those AFTER you get accepted.

I think the school wants to see how you can contribute to the overall class THROUGH the mention of your roommate. Thus, you can't simply narrow your essay on your future relationship with your roommate, but also hint at your abilities/qualities on a larger scale

e.g. how has your background allow you to become a very open and tolerant person who will definitely have a great relationship with roommates? this not only shows that you will do great with your roommate, but also that you are a multi-cultural person and will be a great addition to the whole school. again you are not convincing the housing department, but an admin officer.

Undergraduate / "She was a 7lb 11oz bundle of joy" - UT admission essay number 1 [22]

yea, remember that every sentence matter and that you are NOT losing the momentum or focus at ANY point. Don't put generic statements that everyone else can. Every sentence has to apply to you only.

Undergraduate / BU essay - Artistic, receptive, and inspired [5]


see how much your inspiration sound like openness and receptivity?

perhaps define what inspiration is for you? not simply the fact that you are inspired by all these things, but actually STATING what is inspiration. Often, inspiration comes from mundane things, like waking up, I heard birds. This seems trivial, but authors DO actually get inspired by those things. It's like seeing something, and suddenly BANG! new idea. It's a spontaneous process rather than seeing many things and deriving them for your own benefit (that would be more down the receptive line)

also, the last paragraph is still not definitive enough. you really don't need to restate your previous points. In a college essay you won't have enough words. You need to jump to the prompt: HOW WILL YOU USE THESE TO CONTRIBUTE?

so start with: my blabla will allow me to do thisthis to the BU, and my blabla will let me participate to thisthis program (be SPECIFIC)

again, you need to be more specific and avoid sentences like


the admin knows you can, but is asking you to prove it.