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Posts by mea505
Joined: Sep 8, 2010
Last Post: Oct 5, 2010
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Posts: 265  
From: United States of America

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mea505   
Sep 20, 2010
Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

Abbas,

First, let me say that you have one impressive essay/short thesis here. I enjoyed reading it. I think that Kevin and a few others steered you in the right direction.

I will offer you only one comment concerning the essay. It involves the first sentence:

I live in a developing country, Egypt. Why don't you write: I live in Egypt, a developing country? It just sounds a little better. Otherwise, I think that you have an essay that is ready!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 20, 2010
Writing Feedback / Everyone would benefit from taking more exercise do you agree? [13]

Hi Tina,

Again, I would have to agree with Kayla here. You will need to tell us about the instructions you received from your instructor/teacher -- in order for us to ascertain what it is you need to be writing about. Please get back with us as soon as you can.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 20, 2010
Writing Feedback / Students' academic performance strongly reflects their teachers' teaching performance. [8]

Hi Xun,

This was a good essay! You presented the material in a scholarly manner, with three different paragraphs, each identifying the first, second and then the third reason for your feelings on the matter. You also offered a conclusion, or a summary. Excellent job on the format. I offered a few suggestions on the grammar; there were no spelling errors. I wish you luck!

Mark

Students' academic performance strongly reflects their teachers' teaching performance.

Firstly First, paying teachers according to their ...
... in order to get higher payments which will make them allow them to live better. The higher payments will then encourage teachers so they will to show more passions in their teaching.

... to their students' academic performance makes encourages teachersto provide higher quality of teaching.
They will try to find better ways to teach their students and make ...
This make them encourages them to pay more attentions (...) to make improvements , which can lead to better ...

Finally, paying teachers according to students' ...
... performance from teachers' who don't care about their students but, only their wages. It is apparently a fair standard measuring for their students' performance.

In sum, I agree that teachers should be paid according to ...
If so, teachers will pay more effortsshow more effort and provide higher quality ...
mea505   
Sep 20, 2010
Undergraduate / From Hawaii to Boston - Boston University Supplement. [3]

Breanna,

Given the amount of space that they required of you, I think that you did a good job with your essay for BU. I made a few corrections and suggestions for you. I wish you all the luck in the world with your pre-med program. Question: why would you want to tackle two programs at once? The pre-med program at BU is a tough one.

Mark

Growing up on an island (Hawaii) in Hawaii, far away from the continental US, I want a am seeking a radical change in culture. The city of Boston has thatsuch a radical change in culture andas well as an atmosphere that I crave. Not only is Boston University right in the heart of Boston, it also has a great study abroad program and an outstanding pre-medical programs program. Boston University has a number of programs, specifically the MMEDIC program, that will allow me to enroll in BU's Boston University's medical school early, which is really exciting. I plan on participating in these two programs as fully as I possibly can. Through research from various websites, college counselors, and friends who attend BU, I have found that it is absolutely the perfect school for me.
mea505   
Sep 19, 2010
Undergraduate / [Being a Leader] #1 Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk [8]

Wonjohn,

In as far as any other critiques, I would probably ask you to wait around to see if anyone else would like to chime in on your essay and critique it. Thus far, both Kevin and I have chimed in for you; but there are a few others who might want to as well. I think that it's wonderful that you are willing to work on your essay and make it even better. Do you see the difference between the first write and the second write? Do you see the differences in the sentence structure? You have evolved in that short time -- and you have done well.

As far as how well your essay will stand out among the others, well, that's a question that only time will be able to tell, Wonjohn. I think that you have written a pretty good essay and that it compares with the others quite nicely. I see, from what you said, that you plan to work on it more, and that is good, in and of itself! Keep it up. You don't have that many grammar errors to fix; but the essay can always use some "tightening up." You will do well. When you are complete with the errors, please feel comfortable in presenting the completed on to the group on the forum, as we will be glad to read it.

Thanks,

Mark
mea505   
Sep 19, 2010
Undergraduate / UNC Essay - How I Express My Inner World [7]

Hi Addison,

I think that you are on target if you express your inner world and how that inner world around you "responds" to the rest of the world. Are we not all living in our own 'inner world?' I have re-read your essay -- actually a number of times -- and while I still think that you are a wonderful writer (very poetic, very beautiful), I wonder if you are hitting the prompt correctly and I also wonder if your readers are able to understand what you are saying.

I actually wanted to see if some others were going to give their feedback, and while Kevin chimed in, I wonder if he feels as I do. When is this essay due? I would like others to chime in as well and give you some more feedback, even before you attempt a re-write.

Again, you are a wonderful writer!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 19, 2010
Undergraduate / How/When did you become interested in writing? Pratt Institute Undergrad Admiss Essay [4]

Zoe,

You essay sounds a lot better! I was impressed with what you did with it. I want to, however, offer you a few suggestions, and they are below for your review. Also, allow you essay to be reviewed by a few of the others as well -- such as Kayla and Kevin -- they both offer excellent suggestions as well. I think that it will be far better to have it reviewed by more than one person.

The turning point in my reading career occurred sometime during the second grade, when I caught a cold, and had to stay home from school. That first sick afternoon, my dad announced that he was going to read To Kill A Mockingbird out loud to me. I remember feeling apprehensive, quite skeptical at the possibility of enjoying any book my father would suggest.

Since then, I've read an immense number of books, and studied countless authors. Right now, Henry Miller has caught my attention. What a strange, individual individualistic man- what a writer he was! I have been Recently, I was airbourne on an airplane, reading Tropic of Cancer. And I only mention Miller here because, in reading his works, I realized that I speak of my favorite books and authors not as a fan, but as a reader in absolute and unwavering awe. Books are not books to me- books are manifestations of beauty, the beauty a writer found, realized, and created.

The world offers a limitless suppply supply of things to be inpsired by by which to be inspired

I am given the invitation to write. -- To to
translate languages, to describe the earth in infinite ways, and to give back to the world by doing so.

please help, I need to submit this by the end of the week =(

As I mentioned above, it might behoove you to have the essay reviewed by a few of the others, as well. The more, the better, actually. Good Luck, Zoe!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 19, 2010
Writing Feedback / Everyone would benefit from taking more exercise do you agree? [13]

Hi Tina,

I have to agree with Kayla, in that you will have to tell us more about what you need or want with respect to your essay. Is that the entire prompt? In your paragraph that you wrote, I am having a little problem understanding what it is that you are trying to say.

Try to develop an outline that will help you identify the ideas that you want to write, and then post both the outline as well as a new paragraph that will best describe the prompt. Then, I think that we will be able to help you.

Thanks,

Mark
mea505   
Sep 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "Pledge of Allegiance Controversy" ApplyTexas Essay Topic B [11]

I always thought it was a bit like creepy indoctrination. I really do love the heroic story of America's founding and the huge splash it made... I sincerely am inspired by the ideology of America, but i just think the Pledge is some creepy indoctrination. I never understood what the words meant in that pledge,,, not until high school!

There is no doubt that the Pledge is nothing more than indoctrination! I agree with that, but there has to be a point at which we are all socialized, and because children at a young age do not have the capacity to think for themselves, and because their minds are like sponges, it becomes necessary to permit them to think in a certain way in order to protect the essence of the union. If, for example, the pledge was never said or heard by a youngster, and then one day, he or she heard something from, for example, the Communist Manifesto, what then? Who is to blame the child for thinking that the manifesto has its merits? Well, I would say that society would be to blame, for not taking the time and the effort to indoctrinate the child correctly.

Just my own thoughts, Kevin. And, no, I don't agree with much that the 9th Circuit comes up with these days!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 18, 2010
Undergraduate / Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something. The issue of my concern. [6]

JBB,

Wow -- in Haiti! I would not have known how to react, should I have been placed in a similar situation as you were in. Those three days must have been horrible!

I didn't find a lot wrong with your heart-felt essay. There were just a few things that you might want to tone up -- otherwise, this is a good essay, and it addresses the prompt.

Nobody can do everything, but everyone can do something.

For the past eight months, I have dedicated my spare time in providing assistance to an organization called Life Impact. Life Impact sends out supplies for the millions of people affected by the earthquake in Haiti. I have discovered that just an hour of service can help hundreds to thousands of unaided people receive food, health care, and daily supplies needed to survive life in an area devastated by a horrifying disaster.

My father was in Haiti at the time of the earthquake and it was devastating not knowing where he was or if he was even alive. For three days my family and I were concerned about his condition and location. On the fourth day, we received a call from a family member in Haiti telling us that he was alive and being escorted to a plane that was sending U.S. citizens back to America. From that day and on onwards my family and I have put our concerns on providing for the Haitian people. Things we take for granted here can be highly valuable to someone with not even clothes to wear. We've learned that just a little gesture of generosity and love can go a long way.
mea505   
Sep 18, 2010
Writing Feedback / The co-workers should believe in fellowship. Some important characteristics of a co-worker - Toefl [5]

Suven,

I think that you did an excellent job with the formatting of your essay. It is clear, concise, and it has three paragraphs, with each one detailing a different aspect of the co-worker. Each of the paragraphs also have a topic sentence, which is also excellent!

I will present a few areas where you might want to improve upon, but all in all, you did an excellent job, and I wish you all the luck with your writing.

... without giving any consideration as to whether the work has been finished or not completed.
... protect him from getting caught to by the supervisor who was ...
... I wanted to be get off early because I had to ...
From that day onwards I did not offer him any support ...
mea505   
Sep 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "My pragmatic perspective" - Rice Admission Essay [5]

Samuel,

You have an interesting essay here. I thought that I would pose a few comments. Whereas some of the information you present is indeed esoteric, I wanted to comment on the following sentence, from the 2nd paragraph:

However, - even though I still read and appreciate philosophy and other related topics - because I continued to study and reflect on the significance of any form of objective understanding, I came to the personal conclusion that knowledge for the sake of understanding is not the best way to enrich my experience as a human.

Is it not true, however, that "knowledge for the sake of understanding" is the most efficient and most admirable means of enriching one's life? Is it always necessary to pursue a degree, for example, in EE, only to become an engineer, or is it also "a good thing to do" so that one understands the concepts of electricity? Who is the person from the 18th century who said "education for the sake of an education? And, why are we all always geared up to capture an education just to be employed? Is that the only end result of an education, to become employed? Or is it also to understand our world?

I also found it quite interesting how you tied your becoming a vegetarian along with your change in the pursuit of an education. Did the two happen together?

Indeed, your essay can easily be expanded to include others who have expressed themselves as you have, but I also understand that one is limited here due to space (for the school). But, I ask you: do you think that you adequately appreciated the prompt for the essay? I think that in the 3rd paragraph, you did approach the meaning of the prompt, but I am not altogether sure with respect to the other paragraphs.

Just some thoughts for you. I didn't see any severe grammatical errors that need changing and certainly, there were no spelling issues.

Good essay!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "living in a third world country" - significant experience [9]

Stephanie,

You have the workings -- and the beginning -- of an excellent essay, although it does need some work. I think that you ought to find a central theme for the essay, and expound upon that throughout it. I admire you for having taken the trip there and seeing what the third world really feels like -- living there -- and it's an inspiration to us all. Perhaps you can make that part of the essay -- how you might inspire others to do that same?

Just some thoughts.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "A job at a customer service based retailer" - my short answer for undergrad transfer [7]

Working in retail can be a little trying and in my case it tried me a lot. Sure I was efficient and detail oriented, but I was equal parts short-tempered and impatient. Then I started a new job at Coach, which is a highly customer service based service-based retailer, at least more so than my previous employers. Although I had over ten years experience I felt like a fish out of water and that my bad habits would rear their ugly heads and shame me among my coworkers. I learned, however indirectly from my colleagues, that I might no be able to control the situation but I am in charge of my own response to it. Today I am thankful that lesson hit home sooner rather than later and grateful to be able to surround myself with those that challenge me to be a better person.

I don't think I can add much more than what I did, especially following Kevin's remarks. You are indeed a gifted writer! I would like to see something from you that is a little more involved, longer, etc., as it would certainly be a pleasure to read.

Good luck!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "my dad is Superman" - about someone who has made an impact on your life [7]

Suzanna,

Your essay is wonderful! I think that, with the corrections that Kayla has made -- it will be that much more beautiful. I was going to add my own two cents to the essay, but after I saw Kayla's responses, well, I thought that she did an excellent job in her own right.

You have a good imagination. Now, take what suggestions are before you and re-write the essay, and then re-post it on the forum so that we can see and read it again. I think that you will find that a re-write will do you good.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

I'm not sure, Kayla, whether my sentence was good enough. I think that you are an excellent writer, and because it's your essay, I think that you will be the one to write the last sentence, as you will do it well. I also want to tell you that I admire your thoughts and actions; it's not everyday that one meets another person who is so dedicated to the community in which he or she lives. You are an inspiration to us all.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Undergraduate / " Mission to Getting Certified" about something that makes me unique- extracurricular [7]

Nicole,

You are a poetic writer -- indeed. However, I am not sure that this is what the admissions office at the college wants. I understand what it is you are saying, but is everyone else going to understand this as well? Write something simple, to the point, without the poetic language. I think that they will appreciate it more. You can always insert some of your poetic language into the essay, but the main part needs to be concise, and to the point. Do you understand what I am trying to say?

Thanks,

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Graduate / "Part of the Fenway Family"--Peace Corps Application Essay #2 [18]

How about this for a sentence?

By moving to Boston, I am hoping to incorporate all that I have learned thus far and apply it to the culture and the people of the general area, which will increase my own sensitivities to the needs and aspirations of the population.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Writing Feedback / A narrative essay -First time I experienced an earthquake- Feedback [9]

Ana,

Now that you have a number of critiques and suggestions concerning your essay, why don't you take the time to re-write it and post the re-write on the forum? I think that you will find that after you re-write the essay, it will look and sound better. Each time, in fact, that you re-write it, you will feel that you have improved it that much more.

Please post the re-write.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Essays / My paper is called Originality: A Figment of Our Imagination, I need a little help... [3]

Tyler,

You bring forth an interesting point! Who is to say that the words that one uses in an essay were not used, in some fashion, before? Well, you are right -- and the words that you use to create a sentence were probably used a thousand times in the past. But, that is not the point. The problem arises when one uses the very "idea" from another source, calling it his or her own. The words are not always the problem(s).

There are thousands of ways to tell one specific story. The "idea" behind that story is the part that is protected under copyright laws. You can use the same words to describe a totally different story and not infringe on the rights of the other person. It happens all the time. But, you do a good job in bringing that problem to the forefront in your essay.

I would probably proceed to write an essay about the very concept of originality. See how it goes. You have a good intro so far. If you need any help with it, give us a shout.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "my brother made an intelligent choice" - Penn State personal statement [5]

Nine years ago I first set foot in University Park, Pennsylvania, and gazed upon the awe-inspiring magnitude of The Pennsylvania State University. At eight years old, other things could have concerned me more than taking the six hour drive from Connecticut to visit my eighteen year old brother at his new home. Little did I know that in 9 years time, I myself , like my brother, would look to Penn State as my primary choice to further my education.

For the four years that my brother attended, my family and I made multiple visits. Each time I took in more and more of the great University: the scale, the atmosphere, and the sheer beauty of the campus. At the time, I had no further experiences with Universities of this caliber, and through my experience in my personal college search;, I have found little that has reached the bar that Penn State set for me at the young age of eight. My brother's tenure at the school culminated, of course, in his graduation from the Smeal College of Business in 2005. As an attendant to his graduation ceremony, I was moved by the greatness of it. This event would cement the image of Penn State's greatness in my head.

As I begun began my college search not more than a year ago, I was naturally drawn to Penn State. Some have questioned my choice, believing I am merely attempting to imitate my brother, but I find this to be untrue. I firmly believe my brother made an intelligent choice in choosing Penn State as his school on his path to success, and knowing the school has been tested and trued by my own brother, I see it as perfect for me. I see my brother as a role model, and simply want to do what I can to become as successful as him. To me, this means attending The Pennsylvania State University as the first step in the path to my own personal success.

I think that you need to talk a little more about you in this essay, and not so much your brother. You can mention that he attended Penn State, sure, but I think they want to hear how Penn State will help you succeed with respect to your own endeavors in life. I think you might want to re-work your essay and reflect on you, not your brother. Otherwise, it's a good essay.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "Determination can help you achieve everything." - Describe the world you come from [4]

This is the philosophy that my father have has been trying to teach me.

There are some other sentences like the one above throughout the essay as well. The word "has" needs to replace the word "have." But, that is not the most important issue with respect to the essay. I happen to agree with Ana from the above critique. You need to concentrate on you when you write this essay, not so much your father. While you write well, it does not capture the essence of the prompt.

You are a caring person -- that comes through in the essay, as Ana has suggested. Now, just show that, but in describing you, not so much your father.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 17, 2010
Undergraduate / UNC Essay - How I Express My Inner World [7]

Hi Addison,

While your essay is poetic and deep with meaning, it does little in describing to the reader how your inner world works. I would write a simpler essay and describe how the stage is your inner world and how it has helped shape who you are.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Undergraduate / MIT - Computers: Department that interests you the most (100 words) [6]

Computers have always intrigued me, and the developments in the last decade show that the sky is the limit for the advancement of Computers. Computers have always had such an impact on me that once I dismantled my own PC just to satisfy my curious mind, that I just wanted to know what actually exists in that box called CPU. To my great delight, I was able to assemble it back reassemble it and it was is now running just as normally . After this experience, my love for computers grew infinitesimally. Therefore, at this point Computer Science & Engineering at MIT appeals to me the most, as of now .
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "Pledge of Allegiance Controversy" ApplyTexas Essay Topic B [11]

Alex,

You have written a very strong, convincing essay, and I want to thank you for choosing the topic, because what you have said needed to be said. I would like to add -- the reason your pledge was removed while you were in Oregon is simply because Oregon happens to be in the so-called 9th District, which has been ultra-liberal for years! The people living in the 9th District of this country live in a different world than the rest of us, indeed.

Your essay is extremely powerful. I am not sure that I would change anything. However, I would like you to leave it on the forum and have Kevin (also) look at it. He is good at what he does and he might find something that needs correcting.

You are indeed a gifted writer.

Thanks,

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Writing Feedback / "addicted to something addictive" - It is just a Daily Journal [4]

Dong Chun Kim,

If you have been given an assignment to write a journal, this is a good place to start, indeed. You are off to a good start with respect to what you have written thus far. I have often found that one does not correct one's grammar or spelling when it comes to a journal -- unless you want us to.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "Doctor's dream and life commitment" - Why The Ohio State University? [5]

Christina,

OK -- if you write like that when you are just getting things going, then I see what you are doing. Believe me, I didn't intend to say anything different. I was not sure what you were doing, that's all. I think that you have the workings of a very good essay here -- keep it up -- and believe me when I tell you that every time you re-write it, it will get better and better, and this is true for all writers, not just you or me.

Your outline seems to be a good one.

I was not certain as to whether OSU had a medical school, which is why I asked. I wish you all the luck in the world! I know for a fact that practicing medicine can be extremely rewarding!

Thanks for your patience.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "playing my saxophone" - elaborate one of your extracurrifular activities [3]

How about this?
When I learned that I could not play in the band due to the class hour conflict in the beginning of my junior year, it came as a shock to me ...It came as a shock to me in the beginning of my junior year, when I learned that I could not play in the band due to the class hour conflict.

As my classes had gotten much harder, I had little spare time to practice saxophone. As my classes began to get more difficult, I had little time to spare to practice the saxophone.

Band class was going to be (the) almost the only way that I could ever play Band class quickly became the only means of being able to play the saxophone.

However, such obstacles were not able to keep me away from playing my saxophone. I was not about to allow such obstacles to stop me from playing my saxophone.

Have you given thought to your sentence structure? You can try stating the same thing in different ways before you begin to write your essay. Give it a try, and then re-work you essay, please.

Thanks,

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "Doctor's dream and life commitment" - Why The Ohio State University? [5]

Christina,

That looks a lot better. Now -- does Ohio State University have a Medical School? Or is it just a pre-med? If it's just pre-med that you are going to study there, then Ohio State cannot "help you become a physician." It can only help you get through pre-med.

I didn't go through the entire essay the first time, slashing out lines and adding lines, as I explained before. However, have you tired developing an outline first before you started to write? Also, you will really benefit if you "think" about what you are writing before you write it. I will show you what I mean:

Thank you very much ! i no I know about all the fragments and believe me in not to I'm no too good when it comes to grammer grammar in writing. the The essay also cant cannot (or can't) exceed 300 words so im I'm trying to cut it down about 200. it It has around 586 i believe.

That's just your sentence before you began to re-write the essay. Think about writing...think what you are going to say -- "I Know," as opposed to "I no," .... and, you really need to get into the habit of capitalizing your I's and the first letter in your sentences. OK?

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Camp counselor vs soccer vs Volunteer? [3]

Writing an essay about one topic is difficult enough for most people, and you will find that you will have a better ability to write your essay if you stuck to just one of the topics. You can certainly wait until some of the others chime in, but I am almost certain that the others will probably say the same thing.

Good luck!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Writing Feedback / Studying at home by using technology or studying at home. [5]

Kevin and Kim,

I crossed the "s" out of entertainment(s), but it is not readily visible. But, that is an excellent way to express it, Kevin. I didn't think about that.

Kim -- re-write the essay and let us take a look at it again!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]

First, let me address this issue:

The fast rule of thumb, so to speak, with respect to the semi-colon is to use it very infrequently, if at all.

Actually, I have to disagree. Semicolon are generally used to connect two sentences fluidly where using an 'and' or another conjunction would seem cumbersome.

I know what you are saying, and for you, the semicolon is obviously a very powerful tool; however, most people do not understand how to use a semicolon and for them, the rule of thumb is to use it as infrequently as possible. It is obvious that you know how to use it, and for you, then, it is a useful tool in the English language (written).

Now, on to the essay.

It is much improved. It reads very smoothly and you have done a great job! I (personally) would not change anything at this point. However, you might want some people, such as Kevin to take a look at the essay as well.

Thanks,

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "why did you choose to work while in high school?" - Osu Essay Help [5]

Hi Jake,

You already have the thoughts written on paper, now all you have to do is construct some sentences that make sense out of your ideas. Go ahead and create at least three paragraphs, each one with a different idea, each one having its own topic sentence. For example, the first one can relate to the first question: why did you choose to work in high school. You can expound on that idea, give the paragraph some "meat," by providing the reader with more words.

Then, you can proceed onto the next paragraph and describe the answer to the next question in the same way you did (or will) in the first paragraph. Use the last paragraph to sum it all up.

Then, you can present the essay to the forum -- we can then offer you some tips.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / ESSAY B. An issue of importance to you...KATRINA- My Story [4]

On August 27, 2005 my father, my sisters and I ate donuts at a local café in Waveland, Mississippi, called Daddy' O's. The Patrons that morning talked of the storm in the Gulf among other things. Tropical storms are a regular occurrence along the Gulf Coast so there was not too much cause for alarm. We knew the standard drill, stock up on food and water for a few days, fill the bath tubs full of water and bring in the lawn furniture into the garage. We would handle this storm just like the previous ones. Little did anyone know that within forty-eight hours, all of their lives would be forever changed.

The region that we came to love on the Gulf Coast suffered colossal damage on the morning of August 29, 2005 as Hurricane Katrina released her fury upon our community The nearby town of Diamondhead, where my family and I resided, was utterly devastated and the infrastructure was in near-complete ruins. It was obvious that the kind of damage inflicted by Katrina was not something that could be healed overnight. Thankfully my family and my house were not harmed, but the community I called home for so many years laid in waste. The Daddy O's café, where my family met just prior to the storm was completely decimated by tornadoes and rising water. The only recognizable feature was the booth where we ate our last meal together before the storm. For days that turned into weeks there was no electrical power, clean water, gasoline, or hope. Despair was widespread. Ordinary things, that a typical family took for granted, were now in short supply. Each day I spent wondering when I could return to my school, were my friends safe, and when will everything be back to normal?

Before Hurricane Katrina, everything in my life seemed to be going smoothly. It was the beginning of my seventh grade year at Hancock Middle School. I was a starter on the Hancock High School varsity soccer team and also a valuable team member on the middle school track team. Everything I had anticipated about the new school year was driven away by Katrina's winds and storm surge. Once school resumed in December, our school did not have the resources to support most of the usual student activities. We sponsored car washes and bake sales in order to purchase sports equipment and uniforms to replace the ones that were damaged by the storm. The school year was a major disappointment and setback for virtually all of the students at Hancock Middle School.

At one instance after the storm, school was suspended until further notice. As a result, I decided to make use of the opportunity to help out around my community. I worked at a distribution center near what used to be Wal-Mart and helped organize and distribute thousands of donated items. Each day hurricane victims from all along the coast would come in search of necessities they desperately needed. Many came in search of food, clothes, water, or just a friendly face. Every person I came in contact with had a different story to share with me, stories of survival, stories of tragedy, and stories of life. Several of them had lost everything but the clothes on their back, and yet they were still in great spirits. After recognizing some of my neighbors standing in one of the lines, I remember breaking down and sobbing to my mother that this could have easily been us standing in that line. This firsthand account made a major impact on me, and I have walked away with a different perspective on life and a renewed appreciation of those things that we choose to be most important in our lives.

Fast forward five years and the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina continues to resonate within me. My family has relocated twice since the storm and I am now completing high school in Central Texas, but my mind continues to wonder back to the south coast of Mississippi. The memories of the devastation caused by Katrina continue to linger. Undoubtedly, this will be one of the biggest life changing events that I will encounter in my life, ; however I believe it has made me a stronger person as a result. I learned to understand that I cannot take anything for granted. I am now a much more relatable personable person, in that I comprehend what others are going through when they are having troubles. The days following the storm taught me a valuable lesson of life and how quickly material things can be taken from you. I deeply appreciate everything that I have because I know it will not last forever. The most important message I have obtained is that material items mean nothing compared to family and friends. Perhaps when Daddy O's is rises has risen once again out of the ruble, some of these memories will pass.

You are a VERY talented writer, indeed. This is an excellent essay! I just found a few grammar problems, but the essence of the essay is remarkable, indeed!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / MIT - Tell us about something which didn't go according to the plan. [4]

Prince,

I didn't see much of a reason to correct things, as you can see. However, I wonder if you would not call the unit 8 and unit 9 by the other name: grades 8 and 9? Would not that make more sense? Or are you used to calling it by the units? The only other thing that I would probably change is to define your grades a little more -- how much of a failure were you in the 9th grade, and how much did you improve in the 10th grade? Now, it sounds too generalized.

Otherwise, I think you have the workings of a good essay, although be it short.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Book Reports / The concept of Truth and Happiness: About 1984 & Brave New World [4]

Win,

If you have not yet read either 1984 or A Brave New World, then I think that you are missing a wonderful treat! I have read both of them and you are somewhat "on the money" with your simple synopsis of the two works that you left on the forum in your first message.

There is no real way to tell you how to proceed with this essay until you read the two books, however. They are both very, very good! I think that you will enjoy them both. You can most likely read both of them in one setting, perhaps on a rainy day sometime soon. There is a lot of symbolism in the books, so you have to be careful when you read them.

Have you read anything by Orwell in the past?

Please -- read them if you have not already -- then post your initial essay.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Essays / Ideas on a Narrative Essay on a mistake in my life. [4]

Well, you certainly are not in a position to write -- not yet at least. First, sit down with a pencil and paper and write some ideas -- about your life, how you have lived your life thus far, how you handled high school, or any other situation in your life. You might just find that your ideas about high school are not strong enough and that you have another idea about an essay. Who knows? Only you do. But, you have to start by just writing some ideas. Don't worry about the spelling or the grammar, just write something.

Then, when you feel as if you have enough information on paper, start writing about a specific time in your life when a mistake cost a lot. It might just be high school; on the other hand, it might be something else. Brain storm. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?

You can then begin by developing a thesis statement -- a statement that identifies your thesis. Build your essay around that, use paragraphs to separate ideas, and use a topic sentence for each of the paragraphs.

Post your initial essay on this forum. We will get back with you and let you know how well you are doing.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Writing Feedback / Studying at home by using technology or studying at home. [5]

Kim,

Why don't you take the suggestions and try to re-write the essay and then re-post it on the forum; perhaps others might be able to chime in and provide their inputs as well. I think that you have a fine essay here, you just have to clean it up a little. It will be better if you were to re-write it and re-post it. I think that you will get more out of the forum that way.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Renaissance woman" - WHY BROWN - Short Answer [11]

In Brown, however, consilience is celebrated . Brown is not only known for being skilled in one arena but in a myriad of different subjects, from the humanities to the sciences .

How is that? Does that cut it down to size for you? In doing the cutting that I did, the essence of the essay remains the same.

Mark

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