Undergraduate / A time-travel machine to go back in time in your own life and change something [22]

I had a lot of unpleasant childhood memories, ones that I hated to think about. I wrote them all down, though, a few years back, as part of a creative piece I was working on. Oddly enough, they don't bother me much now. I don't mind thinking about them, and can't understand why I let the memories of such trivial things bother me in the first place. Writing can be very therapeutic, like that. I think at lot of the memories we shy away from have so much power over us because they fill our mind, becoming larger than life. Once you've pinned the details to the page, though, you regain perspective, and can leave them there.

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]

It is difficult to comment on a lot of what you have written here. Most of it seems to consist of your sincerely held personal spiritual beliefs, written entirely for your own benefit. Any criticism is therefore just going to make you feel bad, without greatly improving the quality of your writing. If you were writing argumentative or persuasive pieces meant to convince other people of your beliefs, then I would happily tear into your writing, pointing out every possible weakness, quite possibly using scathing sarcasm to do so. The idea would be that in revising your writing to address what I had said, you would have to strengthen your arguments, hence your essays. But this doesn't really apply to you, and I'm not mean enough to attack someone's beliefs for no reason at all. Absent some compelling motive to do otherwise, I prefer to take an approach of silent respect.

Writing Feedback / Reflective Essay On This School Year: "Closed Doors Are Not The End" [6]

Ah, you get to workshop this essay a bit, then, do you? It's always nice when teachers let you do that, and turn the essay writing into a living learning experience, rather than a husk dessicated by the stress of worrying about your mark.

Writing Feedback / Machine Learning versus Learning by Humans [51]

Indeed, but be warned, that thread is not for the faint of heart. Radical atheists, inveterate debaters, and other strange creatures lurk there, who may tear and rend anyone who wanders into the morass of posts unawares.

Essays / SOP- for MBA in Finance - how to write? [6]

Once you have a basic idea of what other people have done, you'll need to fill the form with your own content. If you are having trouble deciding why you are interested in finance, or figuring out how to express that interest in writing, then just do a focused freewrite. That is, sit down and force yourself to write for an hour or so on your interest in finance. Keep the pen moving (or your fingers typing) for the entire time. Don't worry about grammar or style or how your ideas connect. Just get something down so that you can go through later looking for points that seem important, sifting through what you have written as a miner pans for gold, getting rid of the detritus in order to find the flakes of ore worth keeping.

Undergraduate / work hard, find the best in each other, and live with confidence. [6]

I just finished advising someone else to do this, but it bears repeating here -- use strong verbs. Read this article, posted elsewhere on this site, for a more detailed explanation: how to choose strong verbs.

Undergraduate / qualities that would make you a good candidate for engineering-essay [4]

Try to avoid using weak verbs (and yes, I know this can be difficult if you aren't a native speaker, but practice makes perfect). So, no forms of "to be," "to have," "to go," to make" etc. unless you absolutely need them.

So

"This has made me the person who I am today."
could be rewritten as "These experiences forged me into my current self."

Likewise

"Why is it thundering and what is a lightening doing?" could become "What signifies the thunder's roar, and what seeks the jagged lightening" or something along those lines. You might want to avoid the poetic inversion, I suppose, since that could get confusing, but it'll do as an example.

And so on, throughout your essay.

Writing Feedback / My paper, for Newt Gingrich... [19]

Well, I hope the essay turned out well for you. It's a pity you can't post it here, but until you resolve things with your professor about the other essays, you really shouldn't risk it.

Book Reports / "There is no doubt in mind that Macbeth was a villain"; How Macbeth became a villain. [3]

Ouch! First off, Macbeth is generally considered a tragic hero rather than a villain. There is in fact a lot to admire about him. That's why he is Thane of Glamis, promoted additionally to Thane of Cawdor. He has fought bravely and courageously in the service of his King, risking his own life to bring order to Scotland in a chaotic time. He is also, at least at the outset, a profoundly moral man, which is why he initially resists his wife's entreaties to kill Duncan. It isn't even that he's ambitious, though he is that too. Really, his great strength, his valiant machismo, is also his great weakness. He can't stand being called a coward, and whenever anyway impugns his courage and manliness, he just has to prove himself. Consider some of the key passages (paraphrased):

Lady Macbeth: Let's kill Duncan.

Macbeth: No, that would be wrong.

Lady Macbeth: A real man would do it, you coward.

Macbeth: I'm no coward! I'll show you! Where's Duncan! I'll kill him right now.

And later . . .

Macduff: Stand and fight

Macbeth: No way! I know you're prophesied to kill me!

Macduff: You only say that because you're a coward.

Macbeth: Fine, let's fight.

So, start with an exploration of the concept of a tragic hero, and how Macbeth fits that description, and rewrite the essay accordingly. Then we'll take a look at issues of grammar and style.

Writing Feedback / "The Contested Terrain of Media Text and its Effects on Contemporary Culture" [3]

This is a fascinating subject. I notice you didn't mention that the world of 24 had an America governed by an intelligent, articulate, black Democrat years before Obama came along. Be careful not to let your own ideological biases distort your interpretation of media. The best narratives, in any media, are those that run ideologically clear, taking on whatever colors the viewer himself brings to them. Arthur Miller's works are great like that. They were banned in Russia for being paeans to capitalism, and in America for being communist propaganda. I find it interesting that, when a work allows us to project our own views on to it, we often read it not as agreeing with us but as being dangerous to us. That says something important about human psychology, I think.

Undergraduate / 'It is something extra' - Personal Statement (the European Business School London) [9]

Cutting is easy, when it other people's writing you are cutting. When you have to cut your own stuff, it is hard, unless a year or so has gone by since you wrote it, because you still remember how much effort the material you have to cut cost you. That said, here's some brutal slashing for you:

Before: "With all the many different schools out there to choose from, I specifically knew what I wanted. I was in search for something extra; an institution that would give me more than just a mediocre overview of International Event management"

After: "I'm seeking a institution that will provide me an in-depth education in International Event Management."

Before: "Subsequent to my extensive research on your institution, I found some of the more alluring elements of EBSL to be its student diversity, its focus on the importance of teaching different languages, and its locality. All of these elements make my goal of one day being a respected dominant force in this industry become much more attainable."

After: "EBSL appeals to me because of its student diversity, it multilingual nature, and its exciting location." The opening clause and last sentence don't really say anything worthwhile, so I eliminated them altogether.

And so on. You can do this yourself for the rest of the essay, if you can make yourself forget the effort you put in to create the first draft. Then it's easy -- just cut anything that begins to bore you.

Writing Feedback / My paper, for Newt Gingrich... [19]

Unfortunately, teachers and professors sometimes peg a student as only being able to produce a certain level of work, and if they suddenly improve beyond that, they assume the reason is dishonesty rather than hard work. That is unfortunate, because the whole point of getting educated is to improve yourself, so really such improvement is a sign that the system is working. On the other hand, plagiarism is now rampant, because it is so easy to do, and many of the forms are untraceable, so it is unsurprising that some faculty members are becoming a bit cynical and jaded.

Book Reports / The Crashing Symbols of The Glass Menagerie and My Little Town [27]

Sorry to hear about the "B." Great quote though. I'm curious, have you had this particular teacher for a long time?

Essays / Their Eyes Were Watching God . . . Need Help Outlining an Essay [13]

"What" and "how" questions can lead to good theses too. "How do patriarchal structures of oppression repress the women of the novel through mythologies of race and gender?" For example. Or, "What was the author trying to say here?" But "why" questions are easier. So, finish reading the book, make a list of interesting things that other people say and do to the women in said book, then ask, "why did the author have the other characters in the book treat the women like this?" And behold, on the seventh day, the clouds did part, and a thesis shone through, and the essayist saw that it was good.

Writing Feedback / My paper, for Newt Gingrich... [19]

That's most unfortunate -- a professor shouldn't punish you for seeking to better your writing. Did you explain to him what this site does? If he simply ran your essay through anti-plagiarism software, then he might not have realized that your work appearing here was not a sign of cheating.

Unfortunately, our policy is to leave anything posted on the forums on them, unless the comment is in someway offensive or a violation of one of the site's other policies. After all, the point of the forums is for people to be able learn from what other students have done.

Book Reports / Jem's Maturity; To Kill a Mockingbird [7]

Not bad for a first draft. You might want to clearly define what the term "maturity"means at the very start of the essay. That will make it easier for the reader to follow your points, especially if you then tie them all back to this definition.

Essays / exemplification essay for my English class/ global pollution/waste management [5]

Ah, perhaps you could post whatever instructions you were given, so that we have an idea of what the assignment is. An english class would normally focus on analyzing a work of literature, but I guess certain writing classes might give you an open research topic. If that's the case, I see no reason why you shouldn't write on global pollution, if that's what interests you.

Book Reports / "Portrait of a Young Man" with St. "Catherine In Prison" - Compare and contrast essay [2]

You pretty much have answered your own question. Explain what characterizes Italian mannerist paintings of the late 1500s, and then explain how your two chosen paintings exemplify that. Do that in a paragraph, and you have an intro. Expand on it for several pages, and you have an essay. Good luck.

Undergraduate / A time-travel machine to go back in time in your own life and change something [22]

Um, wasn't the assignment to write about something you would change? And don't you end up by saying that you wouldn't change the thing you are writing about? In other words, you end writing about something that you aren't supposed to be writing about, if you are trying to follow the instruction you have been given.

Apart from that, your essay suffers from chronic vagueness. I can't imagine your friend, your old school, your new school, or your new friends based on your limited descriptions of them. You tell, rather than show, throughout, and it is never clear why this decision bothers you so much (you traded in one friend that you weren't that close to at a place you hated for a bunch of friends you really liked at a place you liked).

So, you need to either choose a different example altogether, or else use narrative description and dialogue to show the reader how much your friend meant to you, and why you fell apart, and why you might regret this even now, etc.

Writing Feedback / Essay on advantages of computer games [16]

Wow, an entire essay on the advantages of computer games that doesn't mention a single computer game by name. That's a problem. You need to provide specific examples of the sorts of games you have in mind for each paragraph. Mention the games you have in mind, and explain how they work to accomplish the things you say games in general do, and your essay will be much stronger.

Writing Feedback / Reflective Essay On This School Year: "Closed Doors Are Not The End" [6]

The essay is thoughtful and fairly well-written. I'd suggest revising throughout by using stronger verbs to replace the ones you currently have. For instance,

"Two weeks came in close, and it was time to board the plane to new my school. As I got on the plane I was scared, and hesitant. I kept thinking to myself was going to Scattergood Friends School, a boarding school in Iowa the right choice?"

Look at those horribly weak verbs -- 3 instances of "was," a "got," and "keep/think." Not exactly attention grabbing. You might revise it to something along the lines of

"Two weeks later, I mounted the steps to the plane, trembling with trepidation -- was attending Scattergood Friends School in Iowa the right choice?"

You could probably make it even better with a bit more thought, but even this is a considerable improvement. The three major verbs are "mount," "tremble," and "attend," with only one "was" in there, and that necessary for the question format.

So, if you go through the entire essay and revise along these lines, you will have a much stronger essay.

Research Papers / Thesis statement: "Why Are Company CEOs getting Higher Bonuses?" [13]

AbbyT is right, if you are talking about performance bonuses. Just remember that CEOs sometimes get other types of bonuses, and that your essay will have to distinguish between these.

Writing Feedback / "Our desire to conform is greater than our respect for objective facts." - Essay [15]

Hold on there -- if you just take out the adverbs and adjectives, you'll make most sentences worse. They key is to replace the (usually) weak verbs tied to the adverbs with more descriptive, accurate ones as you are killing the adverbs. If you just kill the adverbs and leave the weak verbs, then the sentence will be even less descriptive than it already was. Also, I imagine this is a rule mostly true of English, which has so many different verbs that you can most always find one that will do descriptive work better than a vague verb modified by an adverb. In a lot of languages, the use of adverbs would be necessary, because the number of available verbs is much less. Also, even in English, in some situations, adverbs can be quite strong: Still, the overall point is well taken.

Writing Feedback / English Comp. CLEP - practice essay "Impossible Goals" [9]

Well, they are testing for English competency, and so presumably have backgrounds in language rather than in computer science. Just think of the delay as an excellent chance to grab some extra practice time.

Writing Feedback / CLEP Practice Essay - effect of computers on work now versus 100 years ago [4]

In your first paragraph, you might want to look more at what effect these changes in technology have had on the workers who use them. Likewise, in your second paragraph you mention


You should probably elaborate on this, and describe the skills needed to today versus the ones needed in the past, and explain the role of computers in facilitating this change.

Apart from that, you have a solidly written essay, especially given the time constraints you were under when you wrote it.

Grammar, Usage / 1st person - writing question [12]

Well, you haven't included your real name in the post, so I won't apologize -- I had a 50/50 chance of getting it right going with "he," and 100% of giving offense if I went with "it." :-)

I'll bear that in mind for next time, though.

Writing Feedback / "Our desire to conform is greater than our respect for objective facts." - Essay [15]

If you revise the essay, feel free to post the new draft here -- I'm really quite curious to see how it turns out.

Essays / ILC Challenge & Change in Society HSB4M-A EXAM [16]

If you get a big enough book, it can double as both a melee weapon and shield, since you can wield it like a club. In fact, many people who have read a book or two seem to wield the ideas they have learned from them in just such a fashion.


I'd have gone with the plural, there "a crazed wielder of pointy objects" which manages to be simultaneously detailed enough and non-specific enough to be really quite funny.

Book Reports / Given this topic: the play 'Pygmalion', what do you think I am to write about? [14]

I think that all of the questions I asked in my last post could still act as a good guide to coming up with an answer to the "why" question posed by your teacher. Or is it that you have an answer, but don't want to include it in your current thesis because you want to keep it short? If this is the case, then why are so determined to have a short thesis? A compound thesis that consists of several clauses is neither unusual or inappropriate for this sort of essay.

Essays / ILC Challenge & Change in Society HSB4M-A EXAM [16]

I think a lot of it depends on our parents. Any child that hasn't learned to read and to enjoy learning long before he or she gets into a formal class setting is pretty much doomed to view education as a chore, I suspect. Of course, parents can also suck the joy out of learning, too. One friend of mine hates reading because his parents used to make him read as a punishment when he was a kid. I'd get sent to my room, which I always used to view as an odd punishment, since I always had books hidden up there that I could read, and so didn't view it as a punishment at all.

Writing Feedback / Archimedes; "Eureka!" essay [10]

Hmmm . . . what exactly were the assignment instructions? If you are just writing a biographical piece, you don't really need a thesis much beyond "He did a lot of great stuff." If you are supposed to be writing an analytical, argumentative, or persuasive piece, though, then Kevin is right -- you'll need something a bit stronger.

Research Papers / Thesis statement: "Why Are Company CEOs getting Higher Bonuses?" [13]

Maybe his paper should be about AIG. Picking a specific company would allow Michael to clearly define what he means by bonuses. As I said before, CEOs get all sorts of different types of bonuses, for different reasons, so a general essay on bonuses will be very difficult to write coherently in only six pages. Writing about why AIG executives got bonuses when they had led the company into bankruptcy, and whether this should have been allowed, would be a much more manageable topic.

Writing Feedback / "Our desire to conform is greater than our respect for objective facts." - Essay [15]

Great examples, Kevin. I was finding it hard to come up with decent ones myself. They still tend to boil down to people valuing the immediate and often relatively certain consequences of fitting in over the delayed and often uncertain consequences attached to behaviors that seem objectively foolish to someone outside the situation. So, cigarettes are full of carcinogens, but they take years to manifest their effects, and some people may never suffer noticeable health problems after decades of smoking. Whereas, refusing to smoke, for an adolescent, may lead to instant mockery and increased incidents of bullying. And so on. But of course, it isn't necessary to go into that sort of detail. If you just state the case as simply as possible, then the example addresses the prompt quite nicely.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay - Convenience food can not improve the way we live. [15]

Perhaps it is a good idea to make time to be healthy? For that matter, while some people have to work ridiculously long hours to make ends meet, an awfully large number of people could make time for a lot of other things by scaling back at work and still be fairly well-off. Maybe that becomes an issue of priorities? Just a thought.

Grammar, Usage / Memorising beautiful phrases to learn English [7]

Ah, if the goal is merely memorization of grammatical forms, then the entire essay can probably be reduced to a fairly simple formula, with all of the sentence structures planned out ahead of time. Of course, you'd pretty much have to have mastered English to the point where you wouldn't need to do this in order to actually be able do it, which is sort of ironic . . .

Essays / Analytical Essay -- methods [5]

Ask yourself what the purpose of the teacher's essay is. Then ask yourself how the essay accomplishes that purpose. The answer to the second question should be the methods you need to talk about. And Tyler and Kevin are both right -- you need to post more detailed information if you expect more in-depth help.

Letters / Globalization - an opinion letter in essay form [12]


But this would a be a good thing, surely? If you eliminate the notion of money, which seems to provoke mindless offense in so many, you are essentially saying that you have two groups of nations, and that one set is better off thanks to globalization, while the other is no worse off. How is that a bad thing?If the gap between them were growing because the poorer nations were getting poorer, then you might be able to cry "exploitation," but as it is, you don't make that case. You cite the example of the Chilean worker, but you don't compare his current situation with the one he would have been in before globalization, so it is difficult to tell if he is suffering from the ill effects of globalization, or is merely in a similar position to what he would have been in anyway, or even if he is in a better situation than he would have been in otherwise. So, you should make this comparison to strengthen your essay.

Writing Feedback / Language-Way of Dialect- [5]

The exact instructions would help, as Tyler said. Also, you might want to consider adding more detail to your essay. At the moment, at the start of your essay, it sounds like you are going to argue that everyone should learn the same language. So, maybe make English, for instance, a universal language that everyone knows. But, then you go on to argue that people should strive to be multi-lingual. If you were to expand on your essay a bit, the confusion might not occur.

Essays / Facilitating Children's Learning [11]

Glad to hear that you found the site useful. Next time, you might want to consider posting a draft of your essay here for more feedback. That way, you can improve your marks even more!

Writing Feedback / My attitude towards writers is mostly positive. Writers have creative and imaginary minds. [9]

It will be impossible to completely eliminate the use of "I" in an essay on this sort of topic, which asks you to discuss your own attitudes towards a subject, rather than objectively analyzing it. I still say you should move the first paragraph to the end. At the moment, you have a paragraph on writers, a paragraph on writing, and a paragraph on yourself as a writer. The first and third paragraphs seem to naturally belong together. Your essay is improving, though, so you should be encouraged by your progress.