Undergraduate / Only two kinds of people in this world: those who accept change and those who don't [4]

Cecilia, you have not properly responded to the prompt. Your essay discusses the reasons why you want to attend college, not the reasons that you will be able to contribute to a diverse community on campus. The essay clearly states that you must discuss the interesting parts of your personality, most likely the extra curricular activities that you enjoy participating in, and how these activities or personality can help bring diversity and a fun atmosphere to the campus.

While your current essay is quite touching and nostalgic, it does not present any aspect of your character that the essays requires you to provide. My opinion is that you cannot use this essay in response to the prompt. You need to write a new essay that better reflects the required response based upon the facts about you that can help you contribute further to the fun diversity of the campus.

Undergraduate / defying the stereotypes or conforming to new ones? [14]

It is not as whiny, nor does it seem like you are ranting in this version of the essay. It is indeed toned down in a number of major ways. Unfortunately, your central identity is still lost in the essay. There is no clear and definite understanding on your part of who you are as a person and how the confusion about your nationality has helped to shape the way that you perceive who you were, have become, and will be in the future. Time must be taken on your part to reflect upon the events that you explained in the narrative and then discuss how you have come to understand who you are and what makes you unique, even though you do not question others about why they view you in a certain manner. Only once you successfully accomplish this thorough understanding about yourself, behind your public persona, will you be able to appropriately respond to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Some people opt for starvation rather than solitary dining [3]

R, whoever told you that this topic is shallow and superficial is dead wrong. You have chosen a topic that most people speak about in hushed tones. Shedding light on it will of course earn the skepticism and negative reactions from your friends. It is obvious that you thought outside the box this time and it paid off for you big time. The essay is well developed. It poses the belief or idea that you challenged in great detail and also chronicles the enlightened results that emerged from your challenging the belief.

As for your other question, I believe that there is a stigma attached to the belief that eating alone is a bad thing. It is a stigma that is entrenched in the psyche of people who have undergone bullying and negative social interactions in their lives. It is the method by which society has chosen to shun certain people in a social setting and it has become a part of the human psyche already. Those are the reasons why people who eat alone are stared at and questioned. It is never acceptable in modern society to eat alone because of the way the group mentality has been promoted in all activities that we do. So your essay is, in my opinion, very timely and poses a very deep and analytical discussion of what society wishes us to consider a non-issue.

Undergraduate / defying the stereotypes or conforming to new ones? [14]

Clarify the point about the Scarlett Letter. At this point, nobody can really tell what you are referring to because you make reference to your looks and other identifying marks but you not once, clearly said that these are the features that serve to mark you. In fact, I think your essay will benefit from the deletion of the reference to the Scarlett Letter because what is happening to you is not a negative thing. People just don't realize you are Trinidadian and not Jamaican or Indian, that is not necessarily a severely negative thing when you consider the true reference the Scarlett Letter is supposed to embody. Truth be told, I do not see the development of a central identity for you in this essay. Any reference to the development of that identity seems to either have gotten lost in translation or has never existed. What you are talking about is not the development of a central identity but rather, the confusion that your identity creates for most people. What you need to do is take that confusion and then explain to the admissions officer how the very same confusion has become the source of your central identity as you have discovered that setting aside the "ethnic" identity of a person, you are just an ordinary human being, nothing more, nothing less. How people identify you does not not translate into who you are and that is what they get to learn about you as they come to know your true, central identity.

Undergraduate / Unique integration of a minority female, computer science, and psychology [15]

You have a half successful attempt at combining the two sciences in the second paragraph. While it is good that you presented a series of questions relating to the way the human brain and computer functions, the method by which JHU will be able to successfully help you to develop your knowledge in the field remains unclear. It is important that you highlight your life experiences in the field in relation to the specific programs and course offerings that you will be taking at JHU in order to properly answer the prompt. You need to make sure that you clearly state how your foundation in the two fields will continue to develop and be further enhanced by the JHU student experience because that is what the prompt is requesting you to explain.

Undergraduate / uPenn essay: just the other day... [10]

Not exactly. Your JHU essay is still a work in progress at the moment. While you are on track towards properly answering your JHU essay prompt, you are nowhere near using it as a template for your UPenn prompt. My advice is to try and develop a fresh response to the essay prompt rather than trying to make one essay work for both prompts. Maybe you can combine the two essay responses to create a new answer to the prompt. You would still do best to offer it up for review here before you decide to use it with your common app papers though. Why not try to revise the essay in a original manner first? When all else fails, the combination of two essays into one just may be your ticket to the best possible prompt response that you can develop.

Undergraduate / Unique integration of a minority female, computer science, and psychology [15]

Balance your description of the relationship between computers and the human brain in the study of cognitive psychology. You don't need to refer to your childhood experiences with your mother in this respect. Discuss the development of your interest in psychology and computers and how it developed hand in hand during your early years. Then go into the specific programs of interest that you have at JHU which you can then relate to your academic and social activities. Bridge the gap between your interests and your university inclinations. Prove the direct connection between the two and then write about it.

The second paragraph is under developed. The essence of your desire to connect the two fields of study into one is quite evident. You were just not very successful in proving that connection in a clear manner for the reader. I realize you are working with word limits in your essays but there are times when you need to set those restrictions aside so that you can write a unique and complete essay response. At this point, I don't want you to think about word limitations. Just answer the prompt as best as you can and we will work some editing magic to make everything fall into place :-)

Undergraduate / defying the stereotypes or conforming to new ones? [14]

One of the questions I have for you at the moment is in reference to the Scarlett Letter that you claim to wear. What letter is that? Why does it serve as a source of shame for you? Perhaps we can somehow use that as a reference point for your central identity theme? Another way of approaching the essay is to explain that even with your hyphenated roots, you still identify yourself with a particular country and heritage. You can discuss how you see yourself more as Jamaican even though others, including your documents acknowledge you as Indian. Make it appear that you have actually chosen your central identity as Jamaican for a number of personal reasons rather than the commonly known ones. Your central identity is something that you identify as and is the culmination of the combination of life experiences in your person. So if you have more Jamaican experiences, then you are indeed Jamaican. The reference to the Indian heritage can be done at the beginning where you present yourself as a person from various ethnic influences, but recognize only the influence of one upon your personal development.

Undergraduate / uPenn essay: just the other day... [10]

As a child of the computer generation, it should be easy for you to make the connection between cognitive psychology. and computers. Remember that cognitive psychology asks one to consider the human brain the same way he would regard a computer, as a form of data or information processing. Try to find any academic or extra curricular activities that you have had which shine a light upon your understanding of the human mind as an information processing device in a similar fashion to the computer. Consider that the human brain, which is the basis of the computer, produces final results in the same way that the computer produces output, so you inclination for both must stem from the often made comparisons between the human brain and the computer, thus allowing medical science to use computers to study the human brain to a great extent.

My suggestion for the revision is that you delete the earlier parts about your mother buying her first computer and your first experience with the PC. Concentrating instead on the development of your understanding between the relationship of the human brain and the computer. Explain when you first realized the connection and how you are currently pursuing the related interests. After that, discuss how the program offerings at UPenn will help you further understand and build upon your cognitive psychology foundation in the future. Mentioning specific programs and research that you look forward to participating in or giving the admissions officer a sneak peek into a possible research project that you feel you can accomplish during your time as a student at UPenn.

Undergraduate / uPenn essay: just the other day... [10]

Simply put, you have to decide whether you want to discuss your inclination towards computers and how your various activities have prepared you for admission to the computer department of UPenn or if you want to major in Psychology. If you choose the latter, then discuss the academic and extra-curricular activities that you have participated in that have a direct relation and relevance to Psychological studies. Ask yourself where you see yourself performing better academically or which of the two possible majors you have more academic and extra - curricular activities to present in support of your choice. Make sure that you have also looked into the possible classes or internship programs that UPenn offers in addition to the academic studies which will serve as the supporting arm of your education.

Undergraduate / uPenn essay: just the other day... [10]

Are you enrolling in a double major? I just realized that you have discussed two highly different academic interests which belong to two different college departments. I suggest that you choose the major that you are truly inclined to pursue and then discuss the relevant experience that you have in relation to it. You must also find a way to relate the UPenn programs to the interest that you are discussing by making specific mention of the program you are going to participate in at the university and how your background and the program relate to one another. The idea of this essay is to prove that you are academically and socially prepared for the demands of a UPenn education through the seamless connection of who you are at present to who you will become with the help of the UPenn academic and social community.

Undergraduate / defying the stereotypes or conforming to new ones? [14]

Heather, I would not really advice you to use this essay in its current form. This particular essay sounds more like you are complaining about the way other people confuse you with other identities other than your own. That is not what a central identity essay is about. A central identity essay asks you to consider the events in your life, find the one that you consider the most defining, and then write about how that particular event or situation has helped you come to terms with who you are. The person you are today, the combination of your past and present experiences, are what defines your central identity. I hope that you can revise the essay to reflect those parts of your personality.

Undergraduate / it chose me, I hated the fact that there are many new diseases, and I'm here sitting doing nothing [6]

Shaima, we need to know what prompt you are trying to answer with this essay. I am not entirely sure how the whole essay applies to the common app prompt that you are trying to respond to. There are too many ideas being presented in the essay for it to be called fully developed and accurately responsive to the prompt. I also see that you posed a number of questions in the essay but offered no answer to them in the sense of how you hope to find answers to these questions during your course of study. There are a number of ways that this essay can be better improved in terms of organization and content but we first need to know the all important prompt question that you have responded to. Once we know that, we can better guide you towards the proper organization and depiction of your response in the essay.

Undergraduate / Unique integration of a minority female, computer science, and psychology [15]

Yes, that is exactly what I am saying. The John Hopkins essay prompt asks your discuss your overall development as a person via your academic, extra curricular, and personal activities. We all have learning experiences in our lives that we take with us when we go to college. These are the life and person defining events in our lives that somehow, become a part of our person and allows us a chance to continue to mature and grow as an individual. The essay prompt is asking you to consider these events in your life and how you can continue to grow as a person using that basis as the platform for your development at JHU. That will be the "best fit" as you call it :-)

Undergraduate / My First Promotion Test - breaking three boards; Taekwondo [4]

Please do try to revise the essay. I assure you that it will make the essay better. If you feel lost and do not know where or how to begin the revision, don't hesitate to let me know so that i can offer up a template for you to follow with regards to your revision. My suggestion is to consider the reasons that you joined Taekwondo in the first place. Did it ever relate to the way you were bullied or treated by other people? Do you feel that the sport elevated your mindset and understanding of why some people can be cruel and mean? Look into how the sport has helped you better understand others, on a level that a child or teenager might not understand. Those are the key factors to responding properly to the essay.

With regards to your question, yes, you can make comments along with the posted edits. In fact, we prefer that you make comments with your edits that will guide us in understanding why you did certain changes. That way we can tell you if the change actually worked in favor of the essay or not.

Undergraduate / The track. 'I slowly arch my hips above my shoulders and make a quick mental checklist' [4]

The essay is off to a definitely good start. However, it loses it way towards the middle where you begin to stray from the discussion about the contentment you feel when you are on the track. You deviated from the prompt when you discussed how you faced obstacles to your enjoyment of the sport and then spoke of your personal accomplishments on the field. The main point of the essay is to show a way or method by which you relax and enjoy your free time. Explain why you feel most content on the track and field by digging into the sense of relaxation or clarity of mind that you achieve as you find yourself running on the field. The admissions officer does not care about any personal records you broke, or your move to England. Those are irrelevant to the prompt and is information that is not required of the essay. Removing those references will allow you to focus the essay solely on the demands of the prompt and thus, allow for better prompt adherence.

Undergraduate / Last winter, I participated in North American Invitational Model United Nation. [6]

There is still room to improve the essay and make it more concise. I believe I was able to develop a template for you to follow at 181 words so that the essay can improve. Please refer to it below:

I consider my participation on the North American Invitational Model United Nation last year as an important turning point in my life. Through my participation in this activity, I learned the importance of self confidence in the face of adversity. I had a difficult time participating in the first section of the events because of my unfamiliarity with the English language. Even though I was worried about my performance, I realized that I had prepared as best as I could for the event and I needed to rely on my self-assurance that I could pull off the demands of the event. I had viewed as many Youtube videos as I couldand researched th country I was representing in preparation for the MUN si knew that I could pretty much deliver the speech that I intended to deliver. to my amazement, my speech was well applauded and received by the audence. By the second day, I had already adapted quite well to the situation on the committee level and was able to work on the needs of the MUN with more confidence.

Feel free to use this template in its full form if you wish to :-)

Writing Feedback / Life without changes means life without emotions. Psychologists help is suggested. [3]

Your grammar needs a lot of work. The essay that you wrote contains many wrong reference words that affect the effectiveness of your written word. Here is an important tip that you can definitely use in learning to speak in English, make the Spell Checker of your word processing program your best friend. Make sure to run the program before you submit any essay in order to catch any spelling errors, which you are much prone to have, before you submit a paper for review. I would like to suggest that you run the spell check program on this particular essay and then resubmit it to this same thread for a more accurate review. This is one instance where I do not believe that correcting the content of the essay will help before we correct the spelling errors. The reason behind that is because the spelling errors make it difficult to comprehend / understand what it is you are trying to say and hinders our ability to properly review the essay for comments that will help you. I look forward to reading the spell check version of this essay soon :-)

Undergraduate / I zigzag my way back to the pharmacy as I see everyone works in an orderly, fast paced environment [3]

While your work experience does not relate directly to Dentistry, the fact that you somehow interacted with the patients, at least through the procuring and administering of their medications, has offered you an insight into the value of patient care. I suggest that you use that interaction and sense of responsibility in order to create a relation between your extra curricular activity and interest in Dentistry. While it is not a requirement of the essay, the fact that the activity can relate to your chosen major is something that I believe you should play up as it shows a steady development of your interest in the field.

Undergraduate / Unique integration of a minority female, computer science, and psychology [15]

This particular response is wanting in relation to the prompt. While you pointed out your keen interest in computers and the degree of your interest in the field to a certain degree, you have not managed to create a clear connection between this particular interest and the academic or social offerings that John Hopkins can offer you in relation to your interests. The essay requires you to build upon the existing offerings of JHU in such a manner that will help you continue to enjoy the benefits of your existing academic and extra curricular activities while being a student / resident of the university. Try to revise the essay to achieve that type of response. Relate your interests to the JHU academic and social community so that your essay will be more in line with the expected response for the prompt.

Undergraduate / 'odd combination of dreamer, brutal realist and pragmatist' - How do you define yourself? [4]

Yuhan, the main point of the essay is to describe your personality in terms of work ethic, cultural recognition, and abilities, all summed up into one definition. Most of what you depicted in your essay is a description of who you are, which is highly different from the definition of who you are as a person. This is somewhat of a tricky question to answer because defining who you are on paper really tends to end up being a description instead. Here is what I suggest that you do, reflect upon who you are as a person. What are your beliefs, opinions, and most importantly, what matters do you? When combined, do these factors come together to create an idea of who you are as a person? If the answer is yes, then format your response in the same manner. In effect, you can write the essay by starting off with (a sample template) ;

How do I define myself? I am a person who believes that... because my opinion is that...which is why... matters to me the most. This is who I am as a person, this is what defines me as a human being.

Or some other words to that effect.

Undergraduate / Cooking for family - it means the world to me, I won't let that opportunity pass. [7]

Thanks for letting me know that you had already discussed your mom's situation in other essay prompts. That makes it unnecessary to repeat the information in this particular essay. Overall, the essay has strengthened with every version that you have presented here. So far, I believe that this current version is the best so far and should be highly beneficial to you should you decide to submit this version along with your other common app essays to the admissions officers. The essay now contains the clarity needed to be able to accurately present the reasons why cooking for your family matters the most to you. You closed the essay with a strong statement that not only summed up the entirety of the essay, but also allowed you to reiterate the importance of doing everything you do with love for your family.

Undergraduate / A time when I had to tutor a teenager of different background [4]

Alright, the way I see it, then answer you have written for the prompt is quite shallow and does not really reflect a serious situation with obstacles you had to overcome. The reason that I say this is because your only had to overcome your prejudice at having to deal with the son of a rich household. A son who, right off the bat, proved to be welcoming and accommodating, willing to work with you at every turn. That scenario is not exactly the obstacle riddled situation of working closely with someone else that the prompt was expecting for an answer. There were no real obstacles to overcome in this situation because the two of you worked together to make the situation work. It is my opinion that you should choose a more challenging situation with some real obstacles that you had to overcome. Surely during your time as a freelance tutor, you had come across a student or two who had been less accommodating and cooperative with you. That is the student you should be discussing in this essay. The one who truly tried your patience and your mettle as a tutor. That way you can offer real examples of the obstacles you faced in reaching out to the child and how you overcame those problems to finally get him or her to work with you for his own benefit.

I hope you don't find my opinion harsh and that you accept it with an open mind. I realize that I am the only one right now who has offered a different point of view and opinion about the essay that you wrote. I understand how difficult it will be to accept my words after having written a second version of the same essay. Please keep in mind that my opinion is just that, an opinion that you may or may not take seriously. If you wish to stick with the current essay that you have then I support you just the same :-)

Scholarship / Everything we do affects our success and our failure as well as our future. APIASF Scholarship [7]

For starters, you can omit your opening paragraph. That introduction does not really tell the admissions officer anything about you in relation to the prompt so you don't really need that paragraph there. Omitting it will not only help you regain valuable word count and hopefully, bring down your word count as well, but it immediately focus the attention of the reader upon your specific response to the prompt. You must consider revising your final paragraph to include a statement about what you learned about yourself and how this lesson has become a sort of guiding light for you at present. That would be a more effective close for the essay rather than simply enumerating the classes that you have taken since that time when you conquered your failure. It is alright if you want to retain the portion about the way you are thanking your teacher in a way for being hard on you because it turned you into a successful student. That is one of the highlights of your paper and could definitely help its content improve and create that sense of connection between you and the unseen teacher "experience" on paper.

Undergraduate / Why UChicago? Curiosity has always been the driving force in my life. [7]

A marked improvement over the previous version. I see that you decided to discuss the Common Core in the essay a bit. When you mention that you are required to take 15 courses and 1 language course, try to be a bit more specific. What courses in the Common Core directly tie into your major? Mention a few and explain why these classes will help you quench the curiosity that has always come with your interest in this course. Be sure to constantly highlight the fact that you are not after a single method of learning at UChicago but that you are inclined to learn in an open manner. Allowing you to learn from both the theoretical classroom setting, the internships, training programs, and student community of the university has become the major reason for your attraction to the university.

Undergraduate / 'Supersize Me' - I spent days digesting information on health policies around the world [4]

Yes, this is definitely a better version than the first draft that you wrote. You were able to successfully tie in your extra curricular activities with the organizations existing at JHU. You also took full advantage of the possibility of expanding upon your spirit of volunteerism via the other available activities at the university. Reading this new version has led me to think about the potential of your previous activity, the organization of Advanced Level Project Work as a potential future project for you at JHU. The essay prompt does after all, ask you how you will build upon those activities as a student. I believe that one of the logical steps to take is to replicate the same activity for the benefit of the underprivileged communities near JHU. Or perhaps, you can also try to find a way to integrate these successful project points into the Real Food Hopkins community activities for its betterment. These are are just some ideas / suggestions that came to my mind in an effort to help further polish your paper and bring your response more in line with the prompt. Showing the admissions officer that you have a definite plan of action and execution for each question they ask related to a university socio-civic duty is always a good thing.

Scholarship / The routine of my family - we are separated from ourselves. Gates Millennium Scholarship Essay [10]

When you say you were affected emotionally, socially, and academically, offer examples of these incidents. Then connect the way that seeking solace in education helped you overcome the same obstacles to your personal growth. Try to present any academic achievements that you may have accomplished along the way towards getting over the hump that you felt was keeping you down. the point of the essay is to create a balanced point of view between the obstacles you faced and the methods by which you overcame them in order to get to the point where you are now in your life. Your essay falls short in that sense and should be further developed in order to better present an image of you as a person, a student, and achiever.

Undergraduate / One Idea Question for Application to Architectural Studies in UBC [2]

The biggest problem with your essay is that you are talking about an event in the past using present tense sentences. Since these events have already occurred you need to discuss these from the past tense point of view. I must insist that you go back and revise your language. It is imperative that you do that in order to give this essay a chance to function properly and in the context of the explanations you were giving in it. Once you correct that particular problem with the essay, you will have properly responded to the prompt requirements.

I need to point out however, that the overall narrative you used is quite effective and really takes the reader into the events as it unfolded. The step by step manner of explanation really helped me get a better idea of the kind of analytical thinking you have as a person and as a student which, I have to say, is one of the most positive factors that will be considered in your application. Had it not been for the problem with the tenses, this essay would have already been ready for you to use / submit.

Undergraduate / Last winter, I participated in North American Invitational Model United Nation. [6]

As I read your essay, I could not help but wonder if you are responding through a limited word count. The response is really quite ill developed and seems to be all over the place. You are trying to discuss so many topics in a single paragraph, leaving all of your thoughts barely explained, thus leaving the reader confused and wondering as to what went on during that time. You need to better explain to us why you thought that your efforts would be futile. What is the reasoning behind that defeatist attitude? Surely it could not just be about the lack of English language skills. You say that you prepared for a month prior to the event, why do you feel that your prep time was not enough? What was the most significant challenge that you feel you faced during that time? Choose the most difficult situation you faced and then build your essay around the challenges you faced with regards to that event and thoroughly explain how you overcame the problem.

The essay also suffers from a number of grammatical and sentence structure errors. I feel that I should not advise you regarding correcting those mistakes at this point because the essay still needs to be revised in terms of content. Which means the words and sentence structure is bound to change as well, which will either add to or lessen the number of mistakes currently existing in the essay. Don't worry about the word count or errors at the moment, we can fix both problems when you have the final content of the essay down pat. At this point, just throw yourself into revising the essay content. I will be here to guide you through the process :-)

Graduate / To see the enormous socio-economic divide I didn't have to go very far from home - Mumbai [2]

Kindly review your essay and rephrase all of your sentences that begin with the word "And" as that is not academically acceptable and is considered and incorrect sentence structure. The major content of your essay properly addresses the prompt requirements and needs only very minor revisions to the grammar and sentence structure problems, which can wait until the final content of the essay is achieved. Since the prompt does not ask you to relate your life experiences with your planned course of studies, there is no need for you to make that connection in the essay. Only offer answers to questions being asked. Don't try to make connections with the university profile where it is not required because it diverts attention from the essence of your response. Stick to enhancing your response based upon the prompt requirements alone. I suggest that you write a totally new concluding paragraph that better suits a final response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Why UChicago? Curiosity has always been the driving force in my life. [7]

Rather than simply mentioning the notable alumna of UChicago, you should consider revising the middle part of the essay to better reflect the kind of learning that you hope to achieve as a student at the university. Bear in mind that the essay asks you to justify how UChicago will be able to help you satisfy your desire for a particular type of learning. As such, your response is expected to contain references to the academic system of UChicago, possibly touching on the specific classes, academic offerings, and extra curricular activities the university offers which you feel will help you develop a well rounded education and personal development. While mentioning the motto of the university is a nice touch, you should not devote a whole paragraph to it without touching on the academic and social aspect of development that the university offers. The slight editing of that paragraph should help you develop your content into a paragraph that will better serve the essay you have written.

Undergraduate / Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that caused you to rethink or change your perspective [3]

Ji, you totally missed the point of the essay. What you wrote about pertains to the "What is your favorite novel and how has it affected you" prompt. Whet the admissions officer needs from you is your response to the "event or experience that changed your perspective" prompt. Your response to the essay must reflect a personal experience that had you changing your point of view from one side to another. Or at the very least, the event must have had you think about what you know to be true. These stories that you read and the perspectives that you offered are not based upon a personal experience and as such, cannot be considered the correct answer to the prompt. You have to go back and analyze your personal experiences, choose the one event in your life that had you change your mind about a cause or belief that you used to hold as true. That is the experience that you should be discussing in your essay. Needless to say, I am of the opinion that you cannot use this essay and should instead, write a new one that better responds to the prompt.

Undergraduate / 'Supersize Me' - I spent days digesting information on health policies around the world [4]

I was wondering if there are any clubs, organizations, or volunteer groups that share common interests with you? I am asking about this with regards to your extra curricular activities and how you can continue to support those interests at JHU. The essay is asking you to present the logical progression of your activities in relation to your stay at JHU that can offer you continued personal development and academic enhancement simultaneously. While you present detailed information about your extra curricular activities, I find it wanting in terms of connecting with your student social life at JHU. In order to properly respond to the prompt, you need to be able to offer a connection between what you enjoy and how you can continue to enjoy doing those things while away at college. There are some sentences that make reference such things towards the end of your essay but it comes across as underdeveloped and therefore, does not really help shed light upon how you can continued these activities at JHU. Try to correct those problems and the essay should fall into place in terms of prompt responsiveness.

Undergraduate / Common Core-major domestic issue in the U.S - Sophie Davis Supplement [2]

Considering that the United States is lagging behind the other nations of the world in terms of educational attainment and testing scores, yes, you have chosen a good topic for social debate. Your essay needs to describe the problem in a clearer manner though. Since the data that you quote is from 2009, you should present supporting evidence that the method of education is ill effective by offering the test results say, over the past 3 years or so which prove that the educational system should be discontinued due to ineffectiveness. The conclusion that you present is also wanting as you do not offer a solid replacement plan for the Common Core method. Try to present a more solid idea as to how this program can be effectively replaced. You mention decentralizing the tests, why do you think that will be more effective than the current method? This type of essay demands a little bit of research on the part of the writer. I suggest that you look into the most effective data that you can present in support of your claims. That will help to further strengthen your essay in terms of its discussion.

Undergraduate / "There are no wrong turnings. Only paths we had not known we were meant to walk." CommonApp Transfer [5]

The way that you presented your reasons for wishing to transfer to Computer Science is something that is quite valid and seems to actually be a natural progression in relation to your interests. You clearly established that your computer history relates directly to the engineering and science of the medium. Graphic Arts was obviously a fork in the road that you decided to try. However, Graphic Arts still has a connection to Computer Science. I had hoped to see a paragraph explaining how your Graphic Arts studies somehow still relates to the major you wish to transfer to as a part of the progression of your studies. By doing so, you will be able to convince the admissions officer that you are following a logical career path towards the fulfillment of your dreams.

Undergraduate / Cooking for family - it means the world to me, I won't let that opportunity pass. [7]

Fill in some blanks for me. Why did your mom become too busy to cook after your dad left? Why were these home cooked meals so important to your family? You need to establish the importance of cooking so that we can understand why you would be compelled to take up the cooking cudgels for your mother in an effort to keep the family together. Why were your actions futile? Were your first few meals a disaster? You need to elaborate on this point and try to paint the picture of how your family quite possibly, came to your support after seeing all your effort when it came to cooking and bringing the family together through the food you cooked. How did your family change after your cooking improved? Show us how cooking truly saved your family. The essence of togetherness seems to be lacking in this version. Don't think about the word count if you have one for this essay. Just explain everything as best as you can so that we can work on editing it into the best essay that it can be :-)

Undergraduate / If I had one super power, it would be the ability to control time. Hotchkiss Essay [4]

Your essay suffers from a tremendous amount of redundancies. You don't have to keep reminding us that you are discussing your super power. You already established that at the start. Constantly opening your paragraphs with a reference to it only deducts from your all too important character count. Revise the opening sentences to simply be an introduction to the subject matter of the full paragraph.

Consider that having the power to reverse time gives you the power to alter history, prevent previous cataclysmic events, or even change the shape of the future. If you find yourself lost as to what to discuss, think back to the history of mankind. What historical events would you want to have been a part of in order to change its outcome? Discuss those events and what you would have done to change the outcome because of your ability to control time. Try not to concentrate on your personal reasons for controlling time. Use an open mind and discuss how you can use time control to help mankind over all. That should help the essay become better.

Undergraduate / I unknowingly steered myself into despicable people and lost myself in the crowd. [2]

I am not sure if you really want to be discussing the fact that you previously plagiarized an essay in response to this prompt. While I agree that you are thinking outside of the box and giving the admissions officer some food for thought regarding the advent of your maturity, the essay could also backfire upon you as the prompt normally requires a positive rather than negative life changing event. This essay seems to better fit the "honor code" prompt of some universities. My opinion is that you should try to write this essay in a positive light. That way you can show off your maturity and allow yourself to be seen as a positive influence to the students in your department rather than risking being viewed as a possible negative influence and jeopardizing your chances at admission. Again, it is a good story about coming of age, I am just worried about the possible effects that the story may have upon the consideration of your admission. Remember, plagiarists are expelled from school, so openly admitting it without being asked is something that you have to consider using pros and cons.

Undergraduate / My first orthodontic appointment was the time when I realized I want to pursue a career in dentistry [5]

The reason your essay seems too long and boring right now is because your grandmother's story is taking attention away from the fluidity of the story you are narrating. Once you remove the reference to her story, you will find that the essay will become shorter and more interesting to read. Is it too boring? I do not think so because you are relating it from a personal point of view based upon your personal experience. I am also of the opinion that your closing paragraph deviates from the prompt. If you delete the following portion;

your essay will become tighter, more interesting, and prompt adherent as well. These are just some suggestions that I believe will help you create a smoother feel to the reading of your essay.

Letters / awake "like a cucumber" - From Russia with love [5]

Alina there are a number of required corrections in the paper. Also, you need to reword your first sentence if you want to keep it. Right now, it is pretty obvious that there are two writing styles in this letter so all we have to do is make it sound as one. Here is my idea for the first sentence:


As a an experienced diver, I can tell you that it is nerve wracking to jump out of the boat into the unknown bottom of the water beneath me. That is pretty much how I feel about graduating from high school and then heading straight to college. There is a vast world underneath the sea known as college, just as the waters that I dive into. I am hoping that you will be my dive partner during this trek, learning and growing together as roommates, colleagues, and schoolmates.


- ... vareiki parties to...


- Whether we exchange...


- we'll launch into exploring...
- lounge means to rest while launch means to fire off to an exciting start.

I hope my suggestions work for you :-)