Writing Feedback / IELTS: Improving careers or spend time with family and friends more important [3]


It is often believed that money and success are directly correlated with each other.


Therefore, some people are inclined to elevate their career positions by devoting more time and energy at work.


However, for some others find that family and friends matter to their lives more.


Express your opinion direct and clearly;
In my view, I disagree favor the opinion that one should spend more time for the family and friends.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- opinion about languages dying out [5]

First, I have a request for you - Please open all IELTS essays in Writing Feedback forum.


... This sounds a bit too personal. I think you better leave at a more general tone.


This is fine. This expresses your opinion very firmly without attacking anybody else :D
First of all, language is a critical part of culture which plays an important role in preserving
Overall, a good essay .... You have very good writing skills. Wish you good luck with IELTS!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic essay:Some people think that music brings benefits to individuals [3]

First, I have a small admin request for you; Please open all IELTS essays in Writing Feedback forum :)


Well.... I find some issue with this idea.... I believe it is not the pros and cons of music that your prompt wants to discuss, but the different opinions about music that people hold. This gives a different interpretation about your topic.


You should have concluded your introduction by expressing your opinion on this argument very clearly. The above sentence fails to do that job.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL improve the quality of education,more money should be spent on professors' salaries [5]


... Wish you improve clarity a bit more;
One of the important ways of improving the quality of education is to improve the facilities of universities and colleges.


Therefore it is necessary to invest money for upgrading these facilities that enable the students to have an ideal environment for their learning process.

You haven't provided specific examples for this reasoning. It is an important feature for you to earn a good score for this task.

Undergraduate / 'Pushing me to attend college' - University of Rochester supplement [4]


....which will increase my chances of getting into the dental school after graduation.


.... This should be one sentence.
Meliora pushes me to attend a college.
Good job.... I think you provide all what they need to know.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, Men and women are different in terms of their characteristics and abilities [7]


Yes.... then it makes more sense.

Include your opinion in the last line of the introduction very clearly before concluding it.
However, several decades later, an American lady, regardless of all prejudices, successfully finished her doctora l degree with highest honour.

Undergraduate / I remember seeing the Nutcracker for the first time; COMMON APP [3]

Yes, we always ask members to include the prompt with their essay so that it is easy for us to know what it exactly expects.


.... what do you really mean by the first part of this sentence? Is it that you did not have any idea about this ballet? It is not clear.


... "coach"? I feel this word goes well with sports, but for dancing,"instructor" sounds better.

Undergraduate / Augustus Waters is my hero [2]


As a human, it is natural to have a desire to leave a legacy behind.


.... wish you improve clarity;
John Green in his book, The Fault in Our Stars well portrays this desire through the witty actions of the protagonist Augustus Waters.


Hmmm.... I wish you provided more insights of what the story line conveys and tell them how they impacted your perceptions.

Writing Feedback / 'Taxpayer, employer and individual' - IELTS Writing : Cambridge 1 : Practice 1 [5]


... If you tell your idea direct you can have better clarity in presenting your ideas;
It can be noted that 40% of the adults choose to study due to their interest in the subject while 38% of them intend to study to gain qualifications.


... This too is a very confusing sentence. You need to improve its clarity;
Helpful for current job, upgrade prospects of promotion, enjoy learning and studying, to be able to meet new people and change jobs are the other reasons for adult education which represent 22%,20%,20%,12% and 9% respectively of total adults who are engaged in studies.

Follow the structure Pahan suggested you !

Undergraduate / 'creativity and alacrity in me' - INTRODUCTORY LINE OF A PERFECT SOP [4]

Nikky, following a format doesn't really make your SOP sounds too common or boring. It is the skeleton on which you apply flesh. :D So, I wish you include all those features in your SOP for it to become a good response without missing out anything that they need to know. You can be very creative with your presentation and have your own original way of presenting ideas. I think that is the best way to go about :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Universities should not provide so much theoretical knowledge [2]

It is generally accepted that universities are the very places where students can obtain profound knowledge ofin the fields they are following pursuing


It's nicer to conclude your introduction with a statement that clearly speaks of your opinion.

Writing Feedback / Sports & Social Activities are just as important as Classes- Equal financial support! [3]



These educational institutions should not only provide educational facilities like classes and libraries, but also improve students' physical development and social skills.


Ok... here you bring in the phrases "educational" and "non-educational", which you should have introduced in the previous line;
These educational institutions should not only provide educational facilities like classes and libraries, but also support non-educational aspects by improving students' physical development and social skills.

Undergraduate / I've lived in Chatsworth, CA for most of my life; UC ( world you come from) [5]


Well.... I'm sure you have a strict word count and I don't think this sentence adds much to your essay, yet it consumes your word count. This is an obvious fact and you need to tell things that the admission panel has no idea about.


I lived in Chatsworth, CA for most of my life which I found somewhat boring.


The weekends too were pretty dull.
I don't get the latter part (with the exception of friends coming over) properly :( what do you mean?

Undergraduate / 'the National Blue Ribbon' - UC/personal essay [9]


You should be the first, the best and you are in this race against your own self.


Those thoughts rush into my head, both by conviction and subconsciously.


I take great pride and satisfaction by proving myself that I can handle anything.
Well, for me, I really don't see much sense in saying that you are competing you against yourself. Or may be you need to provide more insights to the reader to idea.

Undergraduate / 'high school soccer season' - UC [3]


Well... it is the same idea that gets repeated in different moods and hence it sounds a bit redundant. I wish you improve its organization.


By the age of fourteen, I was playing for the fourth best under fifteen team in my country, however, things began to change unexpectedly.


I feel this is too dragged. You don't have to tell every little detail, but tell what is most essential to present your story.

Undergraduate / UIC has unassailably proven that throughout its seven-year history [5]


No issue at all... follow the rule next time :D


.... OK :)


... I am repeating my previous question - Why is new better than old? You need to justify with at least one reason :D .... and that reason should be one that you find in UIC. I also think this provides you a good opportunity to start answering the question. What this new institution offers you that other oldies do not? Answer that question well and I am sure that helps you make a good response :)

Scholarship / Being an urban researcher will always be my lifelong passion; Special reasons [4]


Ok... let see what you've done next :D .... Anyway, it's good if we have the prompt because then we can have a better idea about what it expects.


This is not a case with you alone, it is the same with others too.... You need to say things that stand out other applicants, so avoid making general statements about things those admin guys always hear. Focus more on the question they asked and make use of every word to answer them.


My decision to choose X University was influenced by its reputation for excellent academic courses and the alignment I find between my research interests and the features of its Research Department.

Speeches / My feet started to shiver when it's my turn; What's your greatest achievement/Why? [8]

Your idea is absolutely fine and there is not issue about that. What I meant was that it has not been presented up to the level you've done in previous lines. I only meant that you should rephrase the sentence to deliver your idea better. :D ... Let me give you a suggestion;

For me it is not just an achievement, but something that changed my whole character and personality ; I became more confident and adventurous.

Writing Feedback / Every day computer use by children - 'Computer is a miraculous tool' [4]


Therefore I strongly believe that the use of computers on daily basis would have a more positive impact on children compared to its negative influences.

You can write well... The only thing I noticed is you have written several body paragraphs. Have you been able to manage time? I generally recommend to have two body paras together with introduction and conclusion. If you have good substance there, even two would be enough to get you to a good band. If you were able to finish this within the allocated time, then no fuss :D

Writing Feedback / 'Babasaheb Ambedkar'; hich one person in the history would you like to meet? [6]


Dr Ambedkar was a person who believed that genuine efforts would bring him success.


He was instrumental in gaining the rights of the Dalits, the people of lowest caste in Hindu society, to get blessings from the Temple.


Dr Ambedkar also helped Dalits to win their rights to have a proper education.

Speeches / My feet started to shiver when it's my turn; What's your greatest achievement/Why? [8]


There is one valuable experience that I cherish until the last moment of my life.


My feet started started to shiver when it was my turn.
It goes strong up until this point;


I think you better write a stronger line for this one... It's not really keeping up with the rest. Good job :)

Scholarship / 'finding a cure for cancer' First essay for scholarships/admission for UT, activities [2]


Well, I doubt whether the admission panel would take these two lines seriously. Rather I don't find much logic there too. :(


This is your task and I think it is better you align your writing with what it expects. Talk about your goals, both short term and long term first. Then tell them how your current and future academic and extra-curricular activities would help you achieve them.

Research Papers / Gun Control: Can it Work in America, at the City, State andNational Levels [2]

One of the most controversial and ongoing issues for Americans


... I like the word "arrest" to "reduce"
The general consensus is that there has to be something done to arrest this ever present issue of gun violence


... the latter part of this sentence gives a bit confusing end;
To deal with this issue, a common sense approach that will help control gun violence at the city, state, and national levels needs to be employed while maintaining the right of gun ownership.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays traffic in major cities is worsening. What problems does it create? Solutions? [6]

I guess this is for IELTS because you have written some essays under IELTS topics. :) Include the purpose (IETLS or TOEFL) in the title so that it is easy for others to provide you with task related comments :)


Pahan is right. You have excellent writing skills. Very good sentences, vocabulary , ideas etc. However, as for the structure, I guess it is better if you include more specific examples in the body paragraphs in order to support your reasons. These examples, for sure, would help you earn a very good score.

Try to go for a very good band , I think you can. Good luck!

Scholarship / Being an urban researcher will always be my lifelong passion; Special reasons [4]

First, it is better if you had included your prompt with the essay so that we know what it expects from you. Second, you should have a more meaningful topic title in the subject field when you open a new essay. It's forum rule. (This title is attended by me). These actions would also help you earn more meaningful comments.


.... This is your hook and it should be clear and catchy. This one sounds pretty confusing because your ideas do not flow smoothly. I think you should rephrase this sentence.

You have a problem in expressing your ideas in a logical flow. I wish you redo this response. Do not write lengthy lines, but short ones limiting one sentence to one idea.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Technology cannot solve all the world's problems! [8]

Hi
I have an admin request for you - Provide a more meaningful topic for your essay in the subject when you open a fresh thread. It is a forum rule. This titled is attended by me.

Overall, I think you have very good writing skills. Pahan has provided you with very good advice and it helps you align your essay with task requirements, in other words you can earn a good score by following that structure. Good luck with IELTS!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: pros and cons of work in other countries and take families together [8]

Since you struggle with time management, I think this structure for your introduction also would help you organize your essay faster.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; At young age children are more adaptable to studying foreign language [6]

Hi,
I have an admin request for you - Please have a more meaningful topic, similar to the one above which I used to replace yours, in the subject when you open threads in this forum.It's a forum rule.

Writing Feedback / Doing things within groups or by individual - ielts essay [2]


This sentence is poorly constructed and it is too crowded with so many words and improper phrases. You try to use too many key words, but what is more important is to use the appropriate words to deliver your idea very clearly to the reader. It does not happen here. Use direct speech and write simple, yet interesting sentences.


... Be careful of using words that you are not sure of their usage. I see this problem throughout your essay.

Undergraduate / FAMILY STRUGGLE UC ; World I come from [3]

Money was always a problem for us and my father could barely provide for the family with his humble earnings. However, a couple of months later we were fortunate enough to have the opportunity of migrating to America where my father earned average $ 20000/- a year while supporting a family of eight. My mother couldn't work because she never graduated from high school, so she looked after household matters.

Undergraduate / 'creativity and alacrity in me' - INTRODUCTORY LINE OF A PERFECT SOP [4]

Well, in the first place, we do not know for which program you are going to apply. Is it something to do with art? Anyway, I am not very sure whether a SOP needs an introduction.

Graduate / I have always tried to be the best at whatever I do; SOP MS(computer science) [6]


My outstanding performance at high school examination helped me with admission to yyy University, one of the best colleges in my region.
This SOP looks a bit crowded and lengthy. I guess you should trim it down. Also I feel you haven't talked enough about your future goals and how will this program help you achieve these goals.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay, Men and women are different in terms of their characteristics and abilities [7]


It is a well known fact that males and females differ in both mental and physical strengths and capabilities.


This is not what your prompt suggests - It says that jobs are divided on gender factor due to different characteristics and abilities of men and women. Do not deviate from the prompt and introduce it to the reader in its original sense.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic essay:Social networking has the advantages and disadvantages [3]

It always good to include the full prompt with your essay so that we know exactly what it expects from you.


.... wrong grammar;
social networks have become / social network has become


Your introduction sounds better without this line, it's good to conclude the intro with a statement that presents your opinion on the argument.

Undergraduate / The transition from a joint family to a nuclear one was radical; WORLD I COME FROM [3]


Life was tough, yet we lived in peace and harmony.


I feel this is not really adding much value.... :( It actually sounds a bit confusing too.
My mother and chachi never got along well !


consequently, I and my sister became victims of her stress and frustration.

Undergraduate / UW MADISON unnoticed essay- Cross country and social anxiety [4]


This is very impressive :)


I once was a shy person when I was with unfamiliar people and suffered from anxiety when I had to make my two-word dinner order at Chili's.

Good job! Wish you good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS - A gift can be in any form! [3]


You write very long sentences and they actually get you carried away at the end of the sentence. Try to avoid such lengthy sentences. They make the reader bored too.

However, certain toys in the market are not good for the growing kids. For instance, although guns with plastic bullets is a trendy toy these days, they may nurture aggressiveness and ruthlessness in children. Further, online games that are based on fighting can make children more violent in nature.

Research Papers / my Research Paper on High School Drop Outs P.S. I am one. Thanks [3]


In order to lower the high school drop out rates that affect America negatively, the education system should introduce alternate schooling methods and more convenient access to post school activities.


The real problem is that high school dropouts cause negative social and individual impacts in multiple ways.


Why did you insert this line in that position? It sounds abruptly put in there.... your flow gets disturbed by that line.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] Compare and contrast knowledge from experience with knowledge from books. [5]


What is this second something? You need to tell that to the reader.


You better re-do this paragraph once again. What is the reason here? It is that every thing in the world cannot be learned from books, and this is very true when we try to learn practical lessons. So tell this reason first to the reader and then give the swimming lesson as an example.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Mobile phones have made life easier - More positive than negative effects? [4]


In today's modern world, mobile phones have become one of the most important devices that everybody uses.


... wrong grammar;