Undergraduate / Of course, everyone has their ideas; I have many ideas right now. Why Penn essay [2]

Hamza, I am worried about this essay of yours. While reading your essay, I noticed that you were not really offering any solid answers to the essay prompt. There were no examples of extra curricular activities and other types of participation that you had which helped to build the foundation of your chosen major. As I reached the end of your essay, I came to fully understand why that is so. You have not decided upon your major. That is the reason why the essay reads like an aimless and wandering bunch of words. There is no personal connection between you and the content of the paper. I believe this is because you are undecided about where your future should lead you. You do not even have any possible major in mind. This confusion has greatly affected the content of your essay. I could go on and on advising you about how you can correct your paragraphs and offer an insight into how you can tighten the essay but unless you decide upon a major, you won't be able to write an effective essay.

Look at your extra curricular activities and academic achievements. Find a program at the university that relates to these activities and interests on your end. Research how the program works and then develop a hypothetical situation or project that you feel can best show off how you might be able to utilize the university facilities. Your essay is just an empty shell at the moment. It doesn't tell us anything specific about how you will benefit from the education offered by the university.

Undergraduate / Why Yale - Unique student initiatives/ Yale short questions [7]

Your answers show a high degree of intellect and grasp of the American English language. Your response work well in relation to the prompt. Direct and informative. I don't believe that any fault can be found in your responses since these are so short. It is creatively and entertainingly written. Definitely a reflection of your personality :-)

Undergraduate / The unofficial Princeton motto comes from the title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson [8]

Is there a word limit to this essay? It is already two long paragraphs and all you have completed so far is an overly long introduction. The essence of what you wish to say is not evident yet. I suggest you limit the reference to Wilson and present your ideas immediately. Don't bore the admissions officer with what the man said, he already knows and more than understands what he said. The reader wants to hear your voice so make it heard as soon as possible. Don't waste space on an irrelevant introduction.

Undergraduate / I signed up and paid my five dollar dues to join DECA - College essay for VCU [4]

When you are choosing your common app prompt, it is always best to ask yourself if you have any life experience to draw upon in writing it. Brain storming is very important in this instance. If you come up empty when trying to find a part of your life that relates to the prompt then that is not the right prompt for you to use. The app will only work to your benefit if you can manage to make a personal connection with its requirements. I wish you the best of luck in choosing your prompt.

Writing Feedback / Meat: Mystery and History - Pomona College Supplemental Essay [6]

Thank you for taking my suggestions into consideration. I can see the marked difference in the two essay versions after your editing work. It really feels better written and more applicable to the prompt now. It continues to be a well written, properly developed, and informative essay. Your idea is unique and might actually work as an elective course if applied in real life :-)

Undergraduate / No one had taught me how to reach out to others when in need of help - MSU Application Essay [8]

This is a definitely a better version of the previous essay. The fact that you have actual ideas in mind for helping invigorate the campus community shows that you have definite ideas about how the campus community can work not only for your benefit but four others as well. Your sense of openness and approachability is clear and enhances the message of the essay. As for the word count, you don't have to always present the maximum count. Just present yourself and your case in the quickest and clearest way possible. The less words you use, the more precisely written the essay comes across. Now review the essay and make sure you have delivered the message you want. If this is the version you want to use, we can start cleaning up the grammar and sentence structure problems :-)

Undergraduate / A look into Culture - it lives inside of us in the form of our senses [2]

This is an interesting take on how a person can be caught between two cultures but ultimately, be able to accurately represent the hybrid culture that exists in a person of hyphenated citizenship.I am just a bit unclear about the personal value that you are trying to address in the essay. That confusion is most likely because you chose to concentrate more upon how your dual culture has affected your outlook in life and how you approach the world. The essay also asks you to address a core value in relation to this point of view but I do not sense any value being presented in your essay. Maybe you can revise the essay to clarify that point? I believe it must be clearly presented in the essay alongside the other aspects that you have presented. Once you do that, we can work on shortening what is quite a long essay. Remember, just because there is a maximum word count, that does not mean that you have to use up all of the word allowance. You just need to try and hit the middle mark or a little over it. You can provide a lot of interesting information about yourself in this essay without having to write such a long piece of work. Maybe I can help you do that :-)

Undergraduate / 'to play a constructive role in educating my society' - Volunteering; ExtraCurricular activity [6]

On the contrary, I believe that the essay ends on a good note if you delete what is currently your last sentence. It really sounds out of place where it is right now so deleting it will only benefit the essay. If you have any concerns about how the essay might be affected, you can try to write a concluding paragraph using the last sentence as the start of a new paragraph , which will be your closing statement to the essay. Try out both versions and see which version you feel suits you best. Use the version that you feel best represents what you are trying to say.

Undergraduate / 'to play a constructive role in educating my society' - Volunteering; ExtraCurricular activity [6]

I left that sentence in because I was not sure if you would be receptive to my deleting it. I have to agree with the person who told you that the sentence is too vague though. The way I see it, you have 2 options. Either start a new paragraph with that last sentence and expand upon what you are trying to say or, delete the sentence and end the essay with the sentence before it. That seems like the best ending for the essay but, I really cannot decide upon that for you. What happens to the last sentence is all up to you. I'll support whatever decision you make about it :-)

Undergraduate / Tuesdays with Morrie written by Mitch Albom is one of my favorite books - College of Art and Science [8]

Guess what, you just presented the essence of your essay in the best possible light :-) Is there any way that you can impart those very same thoughts and sentiments in another version of the essay? I truly believe that this is the message that you need to clearly get across to the reader, without being misconstrued as presenting yourself in a bad or negative light. I am just trying to make sure that your essay will be clearly understood by the reader. There is a slight tendency to misunderstand the way you present yourself in the current version. Just a suggestion for you to consider :-)

Graduate / SOP - I look forward to embark on a new educational experience in Australia [2]

Your SOP is quite long but does not really contain all of the important requirements of a statement of purpose. Right now, this reads more like an autobiography than a statement of purpose. It is necessary for you to revise the essay in such a manner that only the most salient aspects of a statement of purpose are presented for proper consideration by the admissions personnel. These aspects should cover the following:

1. Your current occupation, length of time working in that field, and the reason why you believe that it is important for you to pursue higher studies in this field.

2. What kind of relevant training or seminars have you attended in relation to your field of work that has convinced you to pursue the next academic step in this field?

3. A summary description of your college education. There is no need to go into detail about this part.
4. Your long and short term goals and how your chosen university and advanced studies can help you achieve these.

Don't forget that you are supposed to be selling yourself as a professional in accounting who is looking towards a career advancement. As such, you need to highlight your professional qualities at present. College training and experience no longer has anything to do with the discussion. You have to sell yourself as a masters student who has the professionalism and ability to stay the course and meet its rigorous demands.

Shorten the essay by providing only the important points. That will make your paper better received and considered by the reviewer.

Undergraduate / My life with numbers - I always wanted to solve the puzzle, the mystery [5]

Aside from that little hiccup in your paper, the overall central identity theme of someone who has long been looking for answers to life questions through scientific undertakings comes across in your writing. I am assuming that it is that part of your personality that you feel is a central and integral part of the person you have become. Am I right in assuming that? Perhaps you can better conclude the essay by discussing how your love for science has grown into such a passion that it has become a part of who you are now. Is there a way that you can relate science to your everyday life in relation to your identity? I think that if you successfully do that, you will have a better developed essay :-)

Undergraduate / Tuesdays with Morrie written by Mitch Albom is one of my favorite books - College of Art and Science [8]

Okay, while this version of the essay is better than the first, I am not really sure if a negative representation of your attitude towards life or your disillusionment with it is the way you want the admissions officer to view you. Remember, this paper is a part of your student interview. Normally, students opt to present a more upbeat scenario using this prompt. I can see that you are trying to think outside the box in this instance and you are responding to the unsettling part of the prompt. I am not sure if it will work but if this is the way you want to present yourself, then I guess it is worth a try. Since the essay prompt includes the terms literature and unsettled, this particular version just might work in your favor :-) It is unique and unexpected in more ways than one.

Undergraduate / The Village - images of abundant green and gold rice paddies, sunlight glinting off straw shacks.. [5]

Hold your horses! Why are you describing New York City when you are being asked specifically about New York University? The only common denominator between the two is that the university is located in New York. You are discussing what the city has to offer you instead of what the university has to offer you. The university offerings are the main basis for this essay prompt, not the city. You need to go back and revise that. Don't include the city in this essay, it has nothing to do with the university and what the university has to offer you. Don't get your New York's mixed up :-)

Discuss the academic offerings of NYU that you look forward to attending. Discuss how you hope NYU can help you achieve the academic and social goals you have set for yourself. Talk about the student community and how you hope to become an active participant and collaborator during your time there. Then talk about about yourself and how you see yourself becoming an integral part of the academic and social community through certain ideas that you have which you hope will challenge the academic community and create bring a new energy to the student social scene during your time at NYU. Those are the aspects of the essay that you should be responding to.

Undergraduate / A computer engineering degree will enable me to explore much of the world; Life Goals APPLY TEXAS [9]

Lance Armstrong is a disgraced bicycle racer, he was not the first man on the moon. When you write such an important essay, you need to make sure you have your facts straight. The first man on the moon was Neil Armstrong. I can understand how you could get confused since they have the same last name. Your essay also does not properly respond to the prompt provided. You are supposed to present a list of your extra curricular activities that relate to your chosen major.The best way to respond to this essay is to first state what your goals in life are and then explain how you have been participating in specific activities that you have designed to help prepare you to achieve those lifetime goals. I don't see any reference to such preparations in this version of the essay so you will need to write a totally new one which will hopefully better respond to the prompt :-)

Undergraduate / My community - children should help their families to reduce the burdens [4]

Diana, your main thrust in this essay should be to discuss your place in the immigrant community since that is the community you belong to. Your family travails have no relation to the prompt whatsoever. As a member of the immigrant community, you have a specific place in it. Discuss your place in that world. Or, to make things easier for you, why not discuss the group of friends that you have an what your position is in the group? Are you the leader of the pack? A mere follower? Adviser? Mother hen? What role do you play in that group? Tell the admissions officer about it and how it has affected your development as a person. That is one way of answering this prompt.

Undergraduate / My life with numbers - I always wanted to solve the puzzle, the mystery [5]

Hamza, you are writing an academic paper. Respect the reader / admissions officer who is reviewing your application. Do not show disrespect by cussing in the essay. If you want your essay to immediately fall on the bad side of the reader, swear at the person. Whether directed to the person or not, swearing in a formal application is frowned upon and is unacceptable in respectable academic circles. That said, you need to revise the following sentence:


for obvious reasons.

Undergraduate / Mayo anecdote explaining a challenging situation [5]

It would be very possible to convert or redirect the essay into a response for a different essay prompt. However, I need to be able to read the revised essay in order to determine how it can be done or if has already been successfully converted. There are a number of students at this forum who have successfully redirected their existing essays towards a new prompt. I am confident that you can do the same with the proper guidance. Where is the revised essay? Kindly post it in this thread so that I can review it and advice you regarding your concern at the soonest possible time.

Undergraduate / Journalism is not an easy career in Vietnam - E.W SCRIPPS SCHOOL OF JOURNALISM/OHIO UNIVERSITY [11]

At this point, there is one important aspect of the development of your desire to become a Vietnamese journalist that is missing. How did you get your start? You already know that it is difficult to be a journalist in your country and yet you continue to persevere. Why is that?You said that your desire to become a journalist started when you were 13. What influenced you to consider that career seriously at such an early age? If you can present some information about those things, your essay will be further strengthened and the possibility of you becoming a successful journalist in your country might become even clearer :-) We don't really need to know what your early experience in journalism is at this point. What we do need to know, understand, and see, is how your foundation in journalism has led to this point in your life and how you plan to merge your past experience with your future as a successful journalist in your country. Your essay already contains some of these elements. You just need to tweak it a little more to become more relevant to the prompt. You can actually omit this part of your essay:


The reason I say you can omit this is because you are offering information that is not required in the essay. Therefore these words are wasted when it could have been used to better build your image as a future Vietnamese journalist with a desire to bring your country's journalism standards into the 21st century :-)

Undergraduate / 'to play a constructive role in educating my society' - Volunteering; ExtraCurricular activity [6]

Ahmad, I edited it down to 237 words. I reworded some parts to reduce the word count without affecting the subject of the paragraph or sentence. I hope it works for you :-)

My intention in volunteering at The Citizens Foundation's summer camp for underprivileged children, was to play a constructive role in educating my society. After two successive years of participation, I was awarded by being selected as a supervisor for the program itself. My preliminary task was to design a curriculum with an emphasis on improving the pupils' spoken English and social skills. During it's course, I ensured a smooth conduct of daily affairs at the three participating schools. I assisted my fellow volunteers in understanding their roles and the importance of ignoring the social-gap to effectively bond with the children. The debriefings and group activities suggested by my mentor at the NGO helped in this regard. Our tireless efforts resulted in the children: who originally were unable to communicate in English in their classrooms, presenting a play in front of the whole school at the closing ceremony. The beaming innocent faces,and the fact that some even cried while seeing us leave assured us that we did touch hearts,and minds. The program taught me leadership, management, and responsibility. Having a close proximity to the management gave me an insight into the operational structure of an NGO. I also learned the importance of democracy: as a middle ground between two opposing suggestions was required while planning group activities. The experience was such that I would let it be a catalyst for me to pursue such endeavors in the future.

Scholarship / Vandy Chancellor's Scholarship on Values [3]

Kristoff, you need to directly pick out one of the core values described in the essay prompt and then relate it to the activity that you have been participating in. Clearly depicting how your activity and the core value have become a part of your personality. It is important to make the reader understand that you more than just understand the concept that you have chosen to represent. You should convince the person that you are the embodiment of the trait as well. After all, as a scholar, you will be expected to physically represent the values of the scholarship in order to promote their core values and objectives on a more public scale. Remember, you need to sell them on the fact that you will be the best walking advertisement for all that is good about the scholars being sponsored by this group :-)

Undergraduate / "Finding my future in my name" - Common App [5]

The question that came to my mind is "What is the significance of your name? Since you have made it a central and integral part of this essay, it obviously holds a great meaning and importance for you in your culture or tradition The essay will definitely benefit from a description of the meaning of the name at the start. Since you ask yourself later on whether your name made you or if you made your name. Don't save the definition of your name for the very end of the essay. You need to explain it at the very start because that is a nagging question that lingers as one progresses with reading your essay and it becomes quite irritating to not know how it relates to the story you are trying to tell.

As a "Champion of Human Righteousness", I feel that you have not fully developed that aspect of your trait in your essay. You have spent a great deal of time discussing your background instead of just summarizing those and then concentrating on showing facts that will help one come to a conclusion that answers the question you posed at the start. More importantly, you tell the reader that the citizens of your country believe that you embody the meaning of your name. How do you feel about it? Do you think you actually embody your name right now? We need to hear your opinion because this is all about your central identity and you are the only person who truly knows if the events you have depicted truly helped to shape your central identity.

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

Tecjoon, ask yourself this. "What am I trying to say about my central identity in this essay?" Who are you? What are you in the context of the essay? Does this event convey the image of the central identity you wish to convey to the admissions officers? If you answer yes to all of these questions, then this is the essay that best suits your purpose. On the other hand, if you feel that there is a tremendous lack of development on the central identity development aspect of the essay, then you need to rewrite it. In my opinion, I believe that this essay will work better if, rather than concentrating on the dialogue between you and your teacher, you instead concentrated the essay on who you were when you assumed office, the kind of challenges that you overcame, specifically, the most difficult challenge that you had to overcome, then explain how you overcame that obstacle, you will be able to better explain how this particular event led to the development of a new "central identity" for you. There already portions of the essay that work in your favor, all of the parts referring to the work that you did as a veep can be tweaked to present your new identity instead. Try to think more creatively and reflect upon who you became towards the end of your term as the vice-president. Who were you before and who are you now? That is the central identity you have created for yourself.

Undergraduate / Tuesdays with Morrie written by Mitch Albom is one of my favorite books - College of Art and Science [8]

What you wrote is basically a summary and analysis essay for Tuesdays with Morrie. It does not provide any information about how this piece of literature has left you unsettled, challenged, or surprised. While the analysis that you gave is good, it lacks the direction that the prompt requires. You do not seem challenged, unsettled, or surprised in the essay that you wrote. You accepted everything in the novel as a matter-of-fact. That is not what this piece of writing requires. You need to write about something that you felt helped to change your outlook as a person. This essay is all about trying to define who you have become due to the influence of arts and literature upon your person. Perhaps there is a song, movie, play, or another book, that you can use to describe such an instance in your life instead?

Undergraduate / I signed up and paid my five dollar dues to join DECA - College essay for VCU [4]

This is not really a defining event in the context of the prompt. I understand that winning the contest is a big deal to you but it is not a transitory event from childhood to adulthood. You need to be able to display a stronger sense of maturity and responsibility in the essay. While your last few paragraphs respond to that requirement, the event that you chose to relate it to did not. You just need to change the basis of the event but keep the end result. That result is right on the mark for this essay.

Undergraduate / Taking a risk and moving to Michigan - it teaches deeper knowledge than other universities [2]

OK. The first rule of application essay writing is, never repeat information about the university that they already know. Your b essay should only concentrate on why you feel that U Michigan will be the best school for you based upon your personal requirements. This is your chance to discuss which academic training programs you feel will help you enhance your chances at a successful career in the future. So delete all references to generally known information about the university and all information from the website. Instead, discuss how their program of study attracted you by noting any classes or professors of interest to you. Those are some of the basic attraction information that you can state. You can also briefly mention something about the student community in relation to your major if you wish.

Scholarship / Some drastic changes in my life: moving from Mexico to North Carolina, preparing for a college [9]

What is the foremost reason that you believe you deserve this scholarship? You need to highlight an aspect of yourself either as a student or person that will set you aside from the other applicants. An accomplishment that shows your potential for success in your chosen fieldwould work best. Highlight the part time work experience in relation to that. Then maybe you can mention something about the core values of the scholarship which you feel you embody. As such, you would be in a very good position as a scholarship recipient to promote their cause in the academic field. Those are just some of my suggestions to help improve your application :-)

Undergraduate / 'the invention studio' - Georgia Tech Supplement: Why am I interested [3]

Wow! You actually managed to respond quite clearly, concisely, and accurately to the prompt in a mere 150 words. I think you should try to explain why you believe that Georgia Tech is remarkably accommodating in your opinion though. These types of essay responses always require specific examples as to what interests you and how you plan to cultivate that interest. You can regain word count to do what I am advising by rewording the introduction. Skip the part that says


and simply say "Georgia Tech is remarkably accommodating." Try not to use word fillers or flowery words in a word count limited essay. Use every word to further enhance your essay thoughts or message instead.

Undergraduate / I have searched for schools with programs which reflect some of my personal experiences. I found you [14]

This is definitely better crafted and more focused than your previous efforts. Now, we just need to make the connection with UChicago throughout your writing. Please revise the essay to make specific reference to the programs that UChicago offers. For example. start your paragraph with "The reason that I am looking forward to attending the University of Chicago is..." or say "While a student at UChicago, I hope to..." maybe even say "UChicago will allow me the opportunity to..." It is important to always reference the university as the specific place where you hope to make these things happen for you because without the reference, this could be a general essay meant for multiple submissions to various universities. You need to work on the placement of those references. Choose what you feel are key points in your essay to make reference to such sentences.

Writing Feedback / The Starry Night and city life NYU supplement essay [5]

This is a highly poetic and visual idea of what NYU has to offer you and what you have to offer the university. It is a successfully written essay that brings the thoughts of how you plan to approach the course offerings and what you plan to offer the student community in a way that can be perceived lightly, yet seriously. You don't need to include a picture of the painting in the text box. the depiction you painted works very well already. Do you have a word limit? You can still add content to the essay if you wish to. I think it will only further improve it at this point :-)

Undergraduate / Intramurals. Amateur Astronomers Association. Theater. The question is, what can't NYU offer me? [3]

Your essay sounds more like the brochure for the university than a well thought out response essay. Here is what I think you should do. Actually think of the course offerings and extra curricular activities that you look forward to attending and participating in. Discuss those for the "What does NYU have to offer you" part of the essay. After that, analyze yourself on a separate piece of paper. Think of the extra special qualities and traits as a student, friend, and possible mentor that you have which you can share with the academic and student resident community of NYU. These will be your responses to the "What can you offer NYU" portion of the prompt. Combine the two in a new essay and you should have developed a proper response to the essay prompt :-)

Graduate / Why I Choose Georgia Tech to study chemical Engineering essay [12]

This is a very good start for a revision. I would omit the internet based search for a university though. It is not really necessary nor does it help move the essay forward. Save the character count for more important thoughts that require it. Build up the fact that you are a woman trying to make it in a man's world and then elaborate on the school program that you feel will best help you achieve that goal. That would make the essay respond to the prompt directly and with more substance.

Undergraduate / 'serious familial event that occurred in my life' - I am writing a "what I overcame" essay. [5]

John, the essay topic that you chose is more of a common open theme prompt instead of a "What I overcame essay". You should not use this story as the theme of your essay because it shows you off in a negative light. The fact that losing out on something you expected and free falling into a negative mindset is not the kind of image that you want to portray with the admissions officers.Perhaps you should pick another topic for the essay? One that shows more of a "things were out of my control but through sheer perseverance, I managed to overcome it" type of story. It is never in your best interest to show a negative aspect of your character as a student, this essay will not help your application, but it could damage it because of the way you discuss the way you handle failure.

Now, having given my opinion about your possible essay without having read single draft, I would like you to consider the following. You are asking us to base our assumptions about your essay content solely on your brainstorming idea. We cannot accurately base our comments and reviews of your potential essay on that simple idea. Write down the essay and post it here. After we read it, we can then offer more solid reviews and opinions as to whether the essay will or will not work to your benefit. The opinion I gave above is one that is knee-jerk in reaction and does not consider what the actual essay may read as. Keep in mind that I may change my opinion after I read your first draft.

Undergraduate / "He who stays near vermilion gets stained red; he who stays near ink gets stained black" - My Story [5]

Sakif, there is nothing about this essay that shows me the development of your central identity. You have only managed to give us an overview of how you grew up, which is by moving from country to country for your father's work. A central identity essay is developed by choosing a pivotal point in your life where you had to make a significant adjustment to the way you conduct your life or adjust your character or trait in order to become more capable of handling specific situations. It is somewhat similar to a coming of age essay but with one huge difference. A coming of age essay asks you to show a sense of responsibility and maturity, while a central identity essay needs to show your development as a person and how these life events have helped you become the person you are today.

Writing Feedback / Meat: Mystery and History - Pomona College Supplemental Essay [6]

I think you have written a very good essay about a subject close to your heart. However, since it covers 2 semesters, it is no longer just a special or elective college course, which was the main intention of this essay. Since you have it covering a full school term, you should find a college major to connect it to. That way the unique class that you developed will have a real reason for being a part of the curriculum. It is a very serious topic that needs to be studied with a keen interest instead of just a passing fancy such as the examples given by the university prompt. I believe you need to do that in order to create a solid foundation for the essay and show precisely the kind of students who may be enrolling in such a concept class at the university. I believe that by connecting this to some sort of agricultural major, you will be able to wisely and fully utilize your classroom and exposure immersion ideas for the school year.

Undergraduate / "It's rare for someone so young to contract shingles, but it's still possible" - I stuck in there... [14]

This essay sounds more like a transition to adulthood or memorable experience not covered by the other common prompts response instead of a central identity essay. A central identity essay is one that has to to define who you are now based upon who you were before, your life experiences, and how you responded to those changes in your life. There has a to be a clear visualization of how your character changed for the better because of the event that happened to you. That does not really happen in this particular essay. I have a suggestion, if you can't find a personal experience that best fits in with this prompt, why not try to find a common prompt that best fits with either the first essay or this essay that you wrote instead?

Undergraduate / I have searched for schools with programs which reflect some of my personal experiences. I found you [14]

Regina, we know all about what you expect to learn in college and other points of personal, academic, and social development that you hope to gain during this period. But you have not gotten into the specifics of how UChicago will be able to help you achieve these goals. You need to show the admissions officer a sense of familiarity with the academic offerings, notable internship programs, etc., that UChicago offers in line with your expectations. I believe your failure to answer the prompt properly lies in the fact that you seem to be undecided about what your major actually will be. You are dancing around between the medical and business field. Pick a major and discuss the relation of UChicago to it. You can't serve two masters in one essay. If you want to be a double major, then try to get into one college first. You can apply for your secondary major next semester. Try to clarify which major you are really applying to and develop that discussion alone. Don't confuse yourself and the reader. That is the only way that you will be able to properly respond to the prompt. Clear your thoughts, think about what it is you really want to say and then write the essay. Don't confuse yourself. Analyze what you want to say, what your final decision about the major you are applying to will be and then write the essay in response to the prompt accordingly.

Undergraduate / "Hey, grandma, I've got something to tell you. I'm going to apply to US universities." Common App. [3]

Ok, the first problem with your essay is not the grammar, but the response that you wrote to the prompt. You should have chosen to write about just one single time when you challenged your grandmother's inability to change and then related the outcome of that situation. In this particular essay, you recounted quite a number of times you may have challenged her mindset and yet failed to show us an effective outcome of the event from your perspective. Simply saying she was worried about nothing, or that you did not meet any difficulties when she said you would is not the same as challenging her belief or idea. Neither does it show why you felt compelled to challenge her belief and whether you would make the same decision again.

You cannot use your story about applying to U.S. universities for this prompt because that is still an ongoing activity for you and hence, has no resolution yet. You cannot say you have succeeded despite her mindset, nor can you say that you will make the same decision again if placed in the same scenario because the scenario has not completely played itself out yet.

I suggest that you choose one of the stories you told about challenging the mindset of your grandmother. Maybe the one about boxing that you did not finish. Expand upon her worries and her mindset and then tell us how it played out for you and if you would make the same decision if you had to do that scenario over again in the future.

After you revise your essay to properly address the prompt requirements, we will be able to concentrate on cleaning up the grammatical and sentence structure problems of the essay. Don't worry about the word count for now, go ahead and write more than 650 words. We can revise and edit the essay to meet the word count as soon as the theme has been properly established in the essay :-)

Letters / INVITATION - we have arranged a meeting - a google hang out. [9]

Helia, the only advice that I can give you at this point is to practice. Practice writing in English and speaking in English. Immersing yourself in the English world on practically a 24/7 basis will be of great benefit to you. You can even try to practice writing in English by doing creative writing exercises wherein you make up stories in English. Then you can post it here for us to review and correct. Remember, practice without correction will be useless. So if you can keep practicing the written English by having us guide you, there may be a great improvement in your work in the span of a week or two. As for speaking, you need to find some English speakers or other English students to practice speaking with as often and as long as possible. You can only learn to properly speak the language if you eliminate the use of your native tongue and use English as your major mode of communication with others. It sounds extreme but it is something that actually works :-)

Letters / INVITATION - we have arranged a meeting - a google hang out. [9]

Let me try to clean up this letter for you :-)

Dear friends,
Over the past few weeks we have been communicating with each other in the hopes of better exchanging our ideas using official channels of communication. Some of us feel however, that our relationship as co-workers will also be better helped if we have an out of the box place to hang out and bond with one another. We now have a Google Hangout spot where we can meet on Fridays at 12:00 for more discussion and bonding time. If the schedule will be problem for some of you, please send me an email so that we can coordinate a better time with the other members of the group.

Till then,

Feel free to use this version if you like it :-)