Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: Rebuilding a Club [6]

I would rewrite this sentence in a way that doesn't have the word 'position' twice, so close together;
I ran for this office position because I wanted to be in a position where my ideas could be implemented.

Also, the president and I also broke down each of the ten sections of the packet and divided themup into small pieces.

Your last sentence is confusing and should be revised for clarity.
Trying to rectify errors, such as confusion and procrastination, provided me the impetus to run for vice presidency and correcting such flaws, by creating an open forum and study groups, made me proud.

Undergraduate / "passionate abut studying" - University of Rochester Supplement (common app) [9]

This should start out in a more interesting way, and you can fix it just by tweaking the first sentence a little;
With the information I received from my guidance counselor and from Regional Director Joe Latimer, I realize the University of Rochester is a perfect fit for me.

I'm very passionate about studying, and I'm sure to bring that to UR. I love to learn new things, and also to teach others things they might not know.

I was born in the D ominican R epublic (DR), and spent a lot of my life going back and forth between New York and DR.

Because of this, I can truthfully say i see things differently because of this.

I've experienced what life is like here in America as well as over there.

Many families suffer great poverty there and for many of them, their only chance for a better future is their children.
My family has always placed a great importance on education, on bettering oneself and to helping others.

Undergraduate / a diverse individual with my own "vibrant" background - Rutgers Admissions Essay [4]

Was the day I went to a cat adoption, looking into the hopeful faces of such vulnerable beings, the day that built this obligation to society inside of me? Probably, for I now possess a need to do something bigger with my existence, to affect the lives of others in a positive way. And was the day I attended my uncle's funeral the day I truly learned how devastating time can be? Surely, for now I realize that life can stop for anyone, but the world will keep on spinning as if you had never existed at all. Every person I've ever encountered in my life has been different from the last, ....

How would you feel about changing the first paragraph to this? It makes it start out in a much more interesting way. Also seems to flow better and add drama.

Your ending paragraph is great, I like the part about adding shades and hues to your coat of many colors.

Undergraduate / Bucknell Essay 2/3 About Me's [4]

This is coming out just fine! How would you feel about switching your paragraphs? Making your love of the violin first seems to make it flow better for some reason, though your topics are equally important.

When people describe our society as a selfish society , they are usually referring to the fact that we, as a whole, do not think of anyone other person but ourselves.

Many people do not realize how selfish we are in regards to the environment and its inhabitants.

I stopped eating animals over five years ago as a symbol that I view them as an equal to myself.

...I am changing the market little by little and creating a demand in only the areas that I see help improve the treatment of the environment and animals.

As a little girl, I sat at my toy keyboard and attempted to learn songs such as "Ba Ba Black Sheep".

Violin has taught me how extravagantly the human mind responds once euphoricto the musical bliss created by the human body and mind working together.

Undergraduate / "proper education" - A&M Essay: Topic B [3]

In today's world , it seems impossible to do anything without a proper education.

It provides a path for so much more than to do with your life than just graduating high school would, even if you don't go into the specific field you studied for in school.

My mother only finished part of a year of college and I have seen her struggle for years to provide me a decent home and life for me and her.

But because of her lack of a higher education, she has to work so much harder to get even part of what someone else with a college degree would get for the same amount of time and effort as well as missing out on other things in life. as well.

They are only one year apart in age and he makes about three times as much as my mother does .

I know that missing these things was not easy for her, but were choices that she had to make in order to provide for me.

I believe that My mother is an extremely intelligent and successful woman, but I think that she could have gone so much further in life than did if she had gotten a college degree.

You answered the prompt well and told how it affected you and your family. I don't love your last sentence though, maybe because you have 'college degree' written twice, so close together?

Undergraduate / "I already had many stereotypes" - U of M: Diversity essay [4]

Wow, that first paragraph is very blunt! It stressed me out at first, thinking you might instead be vague about what you thought, but is is powerful writing.

Entering high school I already had many stereotypes...

Ironically, as it turns out, my two best friends in high school are both from these two ethnic groups, Arthur and Guillermo.

They've shown me that stereotypical and first impressions don't help you understand a person at all.Arthur has helped me developed as a person who challenges themselves and not give up.

Arthur has helped me develop into a person who can challenge myself and not give up. (how do you feel about changing the sentence to something like that?)

...learned how false and ridiculous stereotypical judgments are. Leave the commas out.

Undergraduate / Contribution Essay (Rice's academic life) [3]

Its scent was uncomfortable yet welcomed ,...

This sentence is so great;
Our tear filled eyes met, and as she gasped for precious breath, she held her chest, making time float heavily, dreadfully suspended in the thick atmosphere of anxiety.

I wondered how such a tiny woman could have so much strength,...

Your essay is coming out very well, you are such a good writer, descriptive and interesting. Good luck in school.

Graduate / "the Spanish classes" - Law School Admission Essay, BC BU NorthEastern etc. [4]

This is interesting all the way through. Great beginning and a good strong ending. I could hardly find anything to correct.

In my junior year of college, I was more than eager to apply to law school.

Not many of my friends could say they were as "cultured" as I was .

Good luck in school, they'll be lucky to have you.

Graduate / Need Reviews and comment on my SOP - Industrial Engineering [3]

You're doing a great job with this!

My first? encounter with engineering was at the age...

This sentence is unclear; My eternal love and zeal for science begot me centum in physics in my higher secondary examination.

As an engineer, I consider myself as an effective thinker.

I spent a lot of time in learning the fundamentals...

I have developed graphic skills for communicating concepts, ideas and designs of engineering products and inselecting materials for various engineering applications.

The project is destined to save the output energy of the street lamps effectively as much as 34%.

How do you feel about changing the fourth paragraph to something like this?;

Unfortunately In my third semester I was not able to clear my mathematics paper because I was infested with a viral fever (CHIKV) with two days to spare for my mathematics exam. I tried my level best by appearing for the exam but I was not able to get through. Luckily I had a gap of three and a half days for the next exam and I got through that. my thought patterns reached new heights when I cleared my arrear in the next semester and at the same time carried out a project on energy savers in Salzer Electronics public limited company. The project destines to save the output energy of the street lamps effectively as much as 34%. I was busy learning there the effective human resource management.

Undergraduate / How my environment shape my career aspirations [3]

You are an excellent writer! When I got to this sentence, I had to stop and start over;

"During the freezing winters, I embraced skiing through evergreen forests and skating across the icy plains of frozen lakes." This is great.

Our house was prone to mudslides , but as young boys, we were predisposed to explore the hill's rugged ascents. This needs to be revised for clarity, as your house could not be prone to mudslides.

Nearly every day after elementary school...

I am aware that unless we preserve nature by our actions at home, our natural parks will not survive much longer.

Living in the Bay Area, where the diverse population is incredibly environmentally friendly, has substantially influenced my perception of the environment.

Most Californians are actually concerned about human induced climate change.

However, as my dream of becoming a professional baseball player...

Good luck in school, it looks like they'll be lucky to have you as a student!

Undergraduate / "Something is wrong," I told myself; U Pitt's , experience [5]

You are wrong about one thing, you are VERY good at writing. With English as your second language, it's extremely difficult to do as you have done here, which was to write a strong, emotional, heartfelt essay.

I was thinking that your opening would be even better without the first sentence. How do you feel about starting like this;

On a Saturday morning I woke to the sound of crying...?
or just leaving the first sentence out?

True enough, something really bad struck our family that Saturday dawn.

I was only 11, ... you should write out the number eleven.

I know that it will be very challenging for me, but I'll try my best and I can probably further develop my weird sense of humor in performing arts in order to spice up my college years. This is great, the fact that you're interested in the performing arts. The school will be lucky to have you. Good luck!

Graduate / Statement of purpose on Asian Studies [6]

This is great! Any school will be lucky to have you.

"It is Confucianism that led to the severe corruption currently!" one asserted. "It is violating such moral tradition that results in corruption!" maintained by the other.

Shocked by their words, I began to reflect on what...

Specifically, does Chinese authoritarian regime determine lack of freedom of expression in China?

Although I perceived expression limitation when I was prevented from spreading bad news...

Will economic power replace political governance...

With a strong passion to figure out these questions, I am learning political philosophy and Finance Economics now.

Undergraduate / "Prom" - Creativity Essay [4]

"It's not a prom!" They whined, the graduating students whined, but the Headmaster remained steadfast.

We also didn't need a large space, something we didn't have, for dance or games.

Other committee members liked this idea, so we started to choose categories and nominees, then distributed ballots to every graduating student.

We also bought personalized, statue-like trophies and commissioned an art institute graduate to film videos of(?) the nominees.

The D-Day turned out to be a blast; complaints that we heard up to the previous night were gone.

My friends patted me on the back and complimented me, but my biggest compliment came from the Headmaster herself, who said that this was the best graduation ever in her thirty years of career.

Undergraduate / "Rachel's Challenge" - Common App: significant experience, achievement, risk... [3]

"I Accept Rachel's Challenge". The short sentence was spread across a large white banner at the main entrance of my local high school. I gazed at the small and seemingly- miniscule sentence and noted that the simple phrase has so much more meaning and significance than many young people my age would perceive.

Of all the events that I have experienced in my life, one that has had a big impact on me was a presentation at my high school regarding Rachel's Challenge.

Rachel's Challenge has prompted me to rethink my code of ethics and align it to that of Rachels. herself.

Undergraduate / Not a Love Story - UT Person of Influence [6]

This is coming out very well, you're a good writer!

Moving to the beat of the loud Cumbia song that was playing,...

Maybe she'd maniacally laugh in my face. Maybe she'd say yes, only to walk away from me in mid-dance, telling me "You suck at this." (?)

It was really fun.
You could leave this little sentence out, it"s not up to par with the rest of your essay.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Essay - Students caught DUI [3]

The Department of Motor Vehicles clearly stated a law to penalize those who will be caught driving under the influence under the age of 21, yet, a strict implementation is necessary. You should write these out in the beginning of your essay.

I strongly agree with the state law suspending the driver's license of students who are caught DUI.

Although driving while texting has been the number one cause of road accidents, yet, we can't deny the fact that DUI among young drivers is still number two on the list.

After being caught and having his license suspended he tried to avoid driving when intoxicated. Be careful of spelling the word license...I always have to look that up!

Your essay is coming out great! In the third paragraph you tell about your friends son, the inconvenience and humiliation he went through...this may be a better attention grabber to many teens than the threat of death!

Writing Feedback / an essay about" Emotion----A very short introduction" [3]

This is coming out very well! Reading through it out loud may help you with some small mistakes.

And in this summer holiday, the majority of my free time have been devoted to this little infant.

Although only a little more than one year old, she already possessed some higher emotions, such as jealousy and grief.

All my family burst into laughter seeing her lovely expressions.

Several thoughts of mine with regard to this book will be written in the following parts.

Emotional intelligence is a fashionable word nowadays. These are two words!

I like the way you ended your essay with questions. How long is this essay supposed to be? :)

Undergraduate / The Special Needs Student that Could- University of California Prompt 1 [4]

This is coming out very well!

I was taking an introductory theatre class where my technical abilities were noticed by staff.

It didn't segregate me from my peers, and encouraged me to constantly push my own perceived limitations. How do you feel about the word "perceived" here? (I think it adds drama.)

I realized that digital media possessed a greater potential to change the world because of it's ease of access and affordability.

I quickly lost interest.

...I dropped my classes to take an extended spring break in San Diego.

Today, I am proud to have discovered my niche.

A degree in film/new media will allow me to... How do you feel about beginning your last sentence this way?

Undergraduate / ideas for boston university essay- who am i? [3]

Wow, this is coming out great, I had to read it twice because you made some great points. It IS like modern slavery, as we're much too busy to take time to reflect on who we are on the inside, much less what our true purpose in life is, and ultimately that should be what we're passionate about.

A human beings' quest should be to turn the...

We seem to be doing "important" yet horrible duties that we hate and self torturing ourselves for no reason. Can we call it modern slavery? I think so.

The moment when I realized the numbness of life without meaning, of the constant quest for happiness when it was all around me , when it could be seen if I chose to see it , when I decided how simple it life could be was the moment that I decided that what I wanted to achieve in life was happiness.

I look forward to reading the completed essay!

Essays / Martin Luther King Jr's speech and Nelson Mandela's speech -compare and Contrast [3]

I'm assuming you're referring to Martin Luther King Jr's famous speech called, I Have a Dream, and Nelson Mandela's 1994 inaugural address. These each have strong sentiments on brotherhood, peace, and racial justice. One is more spiritual, but I'll leave it up to you to read through them both, taking notes on what stands out to you the most. If you are moved at all by them, it should be extremely easy to begin.

Graduate / Need reviews and suggestions for my SOP. Mechanical [9]

Having been placed among...

Courses in design, fluidics,...

a leading EPC company in the Oil and Gas Industry worldwide,..

With considerable information about your university that I compiled ...

Graduate / My SOP for grad school admission: degree in childhood education [4]

There are a few places where your sentences could be made clearer, for example; My passion in education was spurred from my teaching experiences during college. would be better as My passion for education was spurred by... also, I have taught children from 9 to 22, would be better as "have taught students from age nine to twenty two." The word students would be better here, as age twenty two is an adult. Also, you should write the numbers out.

Your essay is coming out well, you have a good opening and closing, and it's interesting throughout. Just check sentences for clarity, getting rid of any unnecessary words.

Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Why Smith (virtue and knowledge). [4]

Hi!
Well, the question starts with, "How did you first learn of Smith.." and you didn't answer that. If you say that in your quest to find the perfect college for you, Smith kept coming up as the one most fitting to your needs, then work in the specifics in your second example, this will be great.

Good luck at Smith, Northampton is a great college town with lots to do, great college atmosphere!

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

Hello!
I just Googled 'International Human Resource Management case studies', and found many examples. I suggest you do the same and choose a case study. This may make it clear in your mind as to where to start your essay, or at least what you will write about. See what you can do with it and come on back. Good luck!

Undergraduate / Helpful suggestions needed for essay- Carpe Diem [14]

This is coming out great, you are a good and colorful writer. ("Our hopes dangled in mid-air" "...uncertainty gnawed at the back of our minds'.)

I do think you should work the opening sentence into a whole paragraph, maybe an example like a love of books and literature since you were a child. Make it strong and attention grabbing. Oh, I think what you want in the beginning is "treasure trove " instead of cove.

Check your essay for any unnecessary words, cutting out any you don't need. Also, reading through out loud to yourself is helpful.
This is a good subject you wrote about too, it shows that you're serious about your studies and believe in yourself!
Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / What are the aims of academic study and how can they be achieved? [2]

Hello!
This is looking good so far, but there are many sentences that should be revised for clarity, some could use fewer words. Mainly, if you read through out loud, it should be easy to fix up. Try to write a little more in the way you would speak, for example, revising this sentence making it half as long, might make it much clearer; Different views such as the aims to undertake an academic study and factors that affect the performance lead to the origin of such importance of academic study.

Here is an example of what you might change if you were reading out loud; This essay will deal about the aims of academic...
I like what you wrote about the power of self reflection, and you used some good examples in your sixth paragraph.
Do a read through, cutting out any unnecessary words, then read it out loud to hear how it sounds, and it will be much better.

Good luck!

Scholarship / Guideline for Motivation Essay writing (graduate admission and scholarship) [3]

A motivation essay is an introspective exercise. "Introspective" means you have to look within yourself... very profound contemplation. Once you focus on your goals and begin to write, it will probably be easy. Intro, main body and conclusion...for your intro, start with an attention grabbing sentence. Write about your chosen field of study, main ideas, background information and why it is important to you. The main body of your essay may include main points, interesting facts, and examples. Your conclusion is going to be a strong summary of what you've written.

Don't use any unnecessary words, stay focused and interesting.
Good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / Animal testing: it's flat out wrong and cruel to the animals involved? [3]

Hmm, well this is the first thing that stands out to me while reading through; "is well worth the lost lives of a few rats, pigs, and monkeys.'' because then you go on to mention testing on rabbits and dogs. It made the first comment seem callous.

Even just relying on volunteers to...if you change the first two words to something else it would sound better.
This is a great essay so far, and that is a great point you make at the end about eating meat...have you ever seen how inhumanely chickens and cows bred for veal are treated?! Take that ball and run with it, you're doing great!

Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Claremont Mckenna-What influenced you the most in your decision to apply to CMC? [5]

The metaphor is great!
This is coming out well, but there's a spelling mistake... like peeling an onion...
Also, there are a few places where you could take away unnecessary words to tighten it up. For example, 'and then under that... ', 'the heart of the reason why I want',...

' He also answered my question about if CMC is only looking for great leaders as possible freshman candidates, and he reassured me the school is looking for leadership potential.' This sentence needs to be checked for clarity. Just read through for little things like these, and it will be easy to fix up.

How about this:
Every time I took a deeper look, I noticed another layer of greatness under the one I was examining.

My top layer was the location, and then under that was the academic rigor that was expected.---->great sentence!

Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / US Embassy Internship; Personal Statement [2]

Hello!
This is looking great, but the first thing I thought of while reading it was that if you make your second paragraph the first one, it would make a great attention grabbing opening. Of course, you don't need to do this, just an idea.

I plan to use these degrees and this internship to build a foundation for the study of law.

This hard-hit city has filtered into the surrounding areas; our county is slowly growing more and more unemployed. (This should be checked for clarity.)

This might sound better if you change where it says, 'I would like' the second time to something else, or possibly combine these two sentences into one. I would like the inspiration to do better for myself, my family, and my nation. I would like...

Here is an idea I had:
It is my hope that this internship will provide the tools I need to be successful in my field, prepare me for my law school career, and enhance the motivation and skills I already possess.

It looks like they'll be lucky to have you!