Writing Feedback / "Never too Buff"; two examples of thesis statments [18]


You misunderstood me, I think. When I said you could use the points I made to address what Mustafa said, I didn't mean to say you should write a response to him, personally. I meant that you could use those points to strengthen your essay by fortifying it against the sort of criticisms he gave you. Mustafa likes to argue, and is often needlessly provocative, but he's intelligent enough, and if you ignore the personal edge he likes to add to his arguments, there is normally material worth considering buried in there. As moderator, I refuse to comment on your view that he is angry and close-minded, but just because he might not benefit from hearing your rebuttals doesn't mean that your essay wouldn't be stronger if you included them.

In any event, best of luck on your essay.

Writing Feedback / If you can interview any living person, who would it be and why? [6]

You might want to elaborate on what you would ask. You seem to have a lot that you would tell him, but that's not the point of an interview. An interview is all about asking questions, presumably in order to learn something from the responses. So, what questions, specifically, would you ask about the nuclear plant, the importance of human dignity, etc.?

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]

"One is that the term terrorist state is meaningless, and the other that it's wrong anyway to apply that term to Israel, even if they could possibly, correctly be labeled as such." Actually, the second isn't implied at all. It is wrong, because the term terrorist cannot be applied to a state. It is also meaningless, because it does not convey any actual information about Israel, or for that matter, your reasons for being critical of it. All it tells us is that you don't like the country, that is, it only conveys information about you, not about the topic you are talking about. I suppose, then, that it is still a meaningful statement, in as much as that much meaning can be gleaned from it, but the meaning is not the meaning you intended. That is, I am assuming you didn't mean to say "I hate Israel" in your original post, or that is what you would have written. I assumed, further, that you believed that in calling Israel a terrorist state, you were saying something meaningful about Israel. However, you weren't. In terms of the discourse you were ostensibly contributing to, your statement was meaningless. It was, in essence, the equivalent of hurling racial epithets at someone, only slightly more subtle, and, in all likelihood, unintentional.

"Essentially, you mix opinion into the equation surreptitiously, not to mention in close proximty, to presumed facts." I'll ignore your use of the word presumed. Apart from that, let me rephrase what you have said in less insulting terms. "Essentially, I present my opinion backed up almost immediately with reference to facts that can be either falsified or verified by anyone reading them." Yes. It is called reasoned discourse.

"It's an unscrupulous modus operandi that I have noticed in your writing. " Reasoned discourse is not unscrupulous. I do like to consider it my modus operandi, though.

I will ignore the rest of your post, because it is essentially an ad hominem attack dressed up as pop psychology, and ad hominem attacks are not a part of reasoned discourse, and do not deserve a response.

By the way, even though you posted the reference to Israel purely in order to pick an argument, and even though I realized this, I chose to call you on the phrasing of "terrorist state" because it is the sort of thoughtless ideological rhetoric that you should really avoid at all costs in your posts, precisely because it is meaningless and needlessly provocative. I deliberately avoided a debate over whether or not Israel's foreign policies are justified, because I had, and still have, no intention of turning a thread on the importance of fatherhood into an argument over Middle East politics, for reasons that should be glaringly obvious.

Essays / How to write an ethnocentrism paper / The Evil Among Us -- Something you witnessed or learned about [20]

If you have a good grasp of what ethnocentrism is, I'm sure you can just invent a story in which someone makes cultural assumptions about you that are wrong, or in which you make cultural assumptions about somebody else that are wrong. Then write up your story and post the draft here for proofreading and editing.

Writing Feedback / "Never too Buff"; two examples of thesis statments [18]

The essay seems solid to me. If you wanted to address some of what Mustafa said, you might want to point out that most normal people do not live at the extremes. That is, there are a whole range of body types between "toned muscle-builder" and "morbidly obese." Both extremes are essentially unnatural. The problem with media today is that it shows everyone as being at "the toned muscle-builder" extreme, which makes teenagers feel that their own bodies are inadequate, when in fact they are merely normal. In other words, the media is making an extreme type into a norm, which it is unrealistic to expect most people to attain. Worse, they don't normally show the toned bodies as being the result of consistent effort and training. In Hollywood Land, people binge drink, eat junk food, and never engage in strenuous physical activity, and still look like body-builders. That is unrealistic. It also encourages teenagers, who have decided that they are physically inadequate, and who are striving to attain a sculpted body, to take potentially dangerous short cuts, such as steroids, to achieve their goals.

Essays / Does the election of Barack Obama mean the Civil Rights Movement is over? [4]

You should also decide what you think the goal of the Civil Rights movement is, exactly. Is it to rid the government of racial discrimination? To ensure that all citizens are equal before the law? To eliminate all racist thoughts from all citizens? Only once you have decided what the movement was mean to accomplish can you decide whether or not it has fulfilled its task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task--Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood [18]


*sigh* I know I shouldn't, but I can't resist . . . "a terrorist state such as Israel" you do know that this is not only wrong but a meaningless construction. States cannot be terrorists, per se, since terrorism is by definition violent activity carried out by non-state actors. They can fund terrorists, of course, as countries such as Iran, do, but even Iran cannot therefore be referred to in any meaningful way as a terrorist state. It is merely a dictatorial, thuggish, tyrannical theocracy that engages in morally bankrupt foreign policies. You can, if you wish, argue that Israel's treatment of Palestinian Arabs living in occupied territories makes it a Western democracy that engages in morally bankrupt foreign policies, which, while still debatable, is at least a defensible point of view that makes sense.

In any event, Kirin, your ideas seem a bit muddled in this essay. Perhaps you should revise it so that it starts out by outlining what mothers contribute as parents and what fathers contribute as parents. You could look at what both parents can provide equally well, and what each brings to parenting that is unique. That would give you a firmer base upon which to build your case that both parents are necessary to provide an ideal environment for a child.

Writing Feedback / Soldiers experiences in Iraq, World War II, Vietnam. [4]

This could be a very interesting topic. You'll probably end up focusing more on the differences than the similarities yourself, though. In fact, apart from the fact that both wars involved America, they have very little in common.

Essays / Education in Columbia vs USA [3]

Research education in Colombia.
Research education in United States.
Write up your findings.
Note and analyze the similarities and differences.
Post your first draft here for more feedback.

Student Talk / Word count limits and restrictions in essays [44]

Go with the page count, not the word count. You are the victim of changing technology. The old typewriter standard was 250 words a page, and that is still what a lot of people use, especially if they are older. The professor is expecting five pages, though, so that is what you should give her. You can increase line spacing to 2.1 without anyone noticing, and that will give you a few more lines. Good luck.

Writing Feedback / My pet essay [7]

I wouldn't worry too much about the Family Guy reference. It's a fairly obvious allusion, and one word cannot be plagiarism, though some words or phrases can be trademarked, so if you were publishing this professionally you might have to be more concerned. If you want to cover all of your bases, though, you can always throw in a footnote.

Writing Feedback / "Never too Buff"; two examples of thesis statments [18]

The thesis sounds good overall. The problem with "subliminal" is that it is inaccurate. Subliminal messages are messages added in between frames of film so that they aren't on screen long enough for people to see them consciously. Subliminal messages are illegal in the media, as far as I know, so teenagers are not exposed to them. What they are exposed to is a stream of unrealistic looking body images that warp their expectations of what they should look like themselves.

Essays / political science question -- pick a topic, develop an argument [12]

My point being that saying he is "repugnant" isn't particularly appropriate for an academic essay. This is supposed to be for a political science class, so the essay should focus on his political life, what he contributed to politics, for good and for ill. It should consist of logical arguments and nuanced analysis, not statements of subjective personal opinion that reveal a pre-existing bias against the subject.

So, to answer your question, Moe, your arguments should answer the question of "how effective was Newt Gingrich in advancing the Republican agenda?" And/or, "what long term effect did he have on American politics."

As to why he became so unpopular, he was the victim of his own success. As a partisan Republican, he made a lot of enemies among Democrats, who launched several campaigns against him aimed at discrediting him. His personal life wasn't exactly the most morally defensible, as he was married three times. This left him open to charges of hypocrisy when he led the charge to impeach Bill Clinton for lying about his affairs. Eventually, his opponents were able to frame him (in the political, not the legal sense) as arrogant and hypocritical. He wouldn't bow out gracefully, however, and wait for his reputation to recover. He insisted on retaining his leadership of the House, even once it was obvious that the Democrats had turned him into a liability for the Republicans, so the Republicans turned on him.

Essays / political science question -- pick a topic, develop an argument [12]

Hmmmm . . . I don't know that making your essay into a thinly veiled ad hominem attack on Newt Gingrich is the best approach here. If you do choose to write about him, you would be better off focusing on how he helped the Republican party gain strength in Congress, and to improve its electoral fortunes generally, by supplying a new party platform that united the party and provided a clear contrast to Democratic policy proposals. You can also look at his failings, of course, especially the way his strong personality and rather large ego led him to make missteps that his opponents used against him, but you should try for a balanced, objective tone that looks at him as an important political figure, rather than as a target for a series of smears.

Writing Feedback / "PGD method" - feetback on introduction of short academic essay [12]

The devaluing of human life argument should be a fairly strong one, so you should definitely include that, and I like the fact that you anticipate the opposing argument.

Why do you think of designer babies as a problem? A lot of people seem to have a strong emotional reaction against the idea, but I've never heard a convincing logical argument against it. If you have such an argument, then that's fine, but make sure you do not make unwarranted assumptions or end up with circular reasoning.

You should probably have a third argument. There is something about sets of three that is very appealing, and your case will seem stronger if you can add in an extra point in favor of your position. If it is a bit weak, try sandwiching it between two stronger ones that can act as support pillars for it.

Good luck. I look forward to reading your first draft, if and when you post it here.

Writing Feedback / One of Edison's invention - Does this article sound good in English? [4]

A few small grammatical fixes:

"The inspector, however, warned him several times and ordered him to transmit a special signal every thirty minutes to prove that he was awake"

"Therefore, he invented a small machine that transmitted that special signal automatically every thirty minutes."

"The inspector found this very strange, as the signals were transmitted regularly every thirty minutes"

"In fact, the inspector was quite pleased with Edison's work

Writing Feedback / Catcher in the Rye: reality vs. fantasy [20]

That's great news. Hope we can help out with your next essay, too.

Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

Yes, but the fact that people believe it does work means that they accept levels of income inequality that they would otherwise reject. Thus, the meme of the American Dream is one promulgated by capitalists to blind the proletariat to their own exploitation.

I seem to remember Christ suggesting that people should give away their goods to the poor. I don't recollect his ever suggesting that they should take away other people's goods and give them to the poor. Those who support the notion of a more capitalistic society tend to give more to private charities than those who support the idea of a more socialistic one. There are a host of theories as to why this is, but I believe that once you have decided the government should eliminate social inequalities, you are likely to feel free to abdicate any personal responsibility for the issue.

That said, Jesus was clearly a socialist hippie agitator, and if he ever shows up again, should be promptly forbidden entry into the States as a likely commie spy. I mean, he is by his own admission an agent for the Kingdom of Heaven. That hardly sounds in keeping with the spirit of individualism and democracy.

Essays / Choice of buying a brand new car or a used car [5]

It always helps on these forums if you post a draft of your work, rather than just the prompt or the title. Even if your first attempt at answering the prompt isn't very good, at least we have something to work with when trying to dispense useful advice.

Scholarship / Contributions to the Field of Sonography [10]

Yeah, write down whatever you can come up with, then post it here and we'll see if we can help you a bit more. If you aren't going to be doing research, you can always talk about what you hope to accomplish. How will your being a sonographer make the world, and specifically the world of sonography, a better place? And, even if you don't plan to go into research, maybe, if you think about it a bit, you'll realize that you really do. You might, of course, change your mind later . . .

Essays / success and their rules essay [4]

Those are very clear instructions. When you have followed them, and have a draft written, feel free to post it here for constructive criticism. Good luck.

Poetry / Save Me A Spot In College [7]

Sounds good to me. You have a clear theme, and you manage to sound poetic, which is pretty much the only standard for poetry today in most schools.

Essays / I need a quote / maxim for an essay [12]

Is the essay supposed to be based on quotation, or merely inspired by it. It makes a difference. In any event, you could try one of the following:

"The last temptation is the greatest treason: to do the right deed for the wrong reason" (T.S. Eliot)

"Things fall apart; the center cannot hold;" (Yeats)

"Death closes all: but something ere the end, / Some work of noble note, may yet be done / not unbecoming men who strove with gods" (Tennyson)

"Not only does God play dice with the Universe - he sometimes casts them where they can't be seen" Stephen Hawking

Writing Feedback / My pet essay [7]

Interesting. Humor is always a good approach to take, though it can be difficult to pull off (humor is notoriously subjective). The first sentence should probably go -- I was expecting your essay to be about the importance of literacy after reading it. Beyond that, you seem to be on a decent track. It'll be easier to tell how well you've succeeded with the humor thing after you have finished the entire essay, though.

Writing Feedback / review my quote essay ("The desire to know..") [7]

It seems pretty straightforward to me. It is more important to want to learn than it is to meet any specific learning achievement measure. Most of what we learn in school we eventually forget, anyway. No one who goes into a non-math related field remembers how to do calculus after a year or so at university. Likewise, no one who goes into a non-chemistry related field remembers how to calculate moles, or even what moles are in chemistry. It is much more important for students to develop critical thinking skills and intellectual curiosity, traits which will serve them well throughout their lifetimes, than to master specific skills in such topics.

Writing Feedback / "Never too Buff"; two examples of thesis statments [18]

The first one is somewhat better, as it is more defensible. I'd revise it to: "Teenage boys are subjected to subliminal messages by the in television shows, magazines, and computer games and even in society which willcan cause psychological disordersmentally and physically ."

Good luck coming up with a first draft. Don't forget to post it here when you are done for more feedback.

Research Papers / HUMAN RESOURCE MANAGEMENT: ethics, hiring process; Research paper [57]

Google Scholar and your local library are great places to find sources. Once you have read up on the topic, you can probably create an outline on your own. Then, you can write up a first draft and post it here for some feedback on your work.

Writing Feedback / Gay, lesbian, bisexual teens in America [2]

Here are some revisions and suggestions to get you started:

"Gay, lesbian, bisexual people are treated like different mankind in different families." Do you mean to say that "Gay, lesbian, bisexual people are treated differently in different families." or that "Gay, lesbian, bisexual people are treated differently from straight people by their families." Either alternative is better than the original phrasing, though they say different things.

"Although homosexuals try to strive for equality in America, they are still far from achieving success in most of the states."

"Thesis: " You don't usually label this.

"Before the gay teens are instilling properly into society," This does not make sense. Revise.

"there are lots ofMany people forbidden them are afraid to admit their sexual orientation. This can cause , whereby causing a negative psychological effectswhich affects them to have numerous problems in different ways, such problems have caused gay teens of treating differently in society and family."

Get rid of phrases such as "I am thinking that" and "in my opinion"

Grammar, Usage / Compose Topic Sentences [4]

"A woman's biggest asset is her beauty, be iteither if it's her hair, her eyes, or any other part of her body."

"Attending college is my biggest accomplishment I am doing in my life "

"Seeing an accident happen was a very emotional experience." Be more specific.

"Jaquiz on the balcony, one of the must have features in my dream house ." This is a sentence fragment. Revise.

Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

Your reasoning on Marx is pretty much the same as many mainstream academics, so what you are saying is not foolish. I'd tend to disagree, though, because he viewed the progress you mention as inevitable. Morality requires a choice. That is, I have to choose to do good to be morally good. If I am forced to do it by circumstance, I can't claim credit for it. So, Marx probably would have viewed offensive realism as an inevitable historical development, something that the later stages of capitalism were always going to give rise to as capitalists attempted to maintain their social and economic advantages. "This creates populations full of angry and uneducated people who will be easily manipulated and highly motivated for action. Needless to say, without education this action will most likely be violent and destructive to US interests." Exactly, so leading, again inevitably, to the proletarian revolution.

"you could say that a Marxist would suggest that capitalism and imperialism, specifically in the form of offensive realism, are immoral from the perspective of the American ideal (which has been influenced by christianity) because exploitation occurs which promotes a form of slavery and economic class separation." Actually, I'm pretty sure a Marxist would suggest that the American ideal has always been an ideological tool meant to make the exploited accept their exploitation. That is, the belief in the American dream itself serves to promote and uphold a form of slavery and economic class separation, even within America, by convincing members of the proletariat to accept wealth inequality. Hence, offensive realism is perfectly in keeping with that ideal, in that it serves the same goals, albeit more honestly.

Offensive realism is not anti-Christian, specifically, though it may well be un-Christian. Certainly, the Catholic Church never attempted "dominating and controlling other nations through military and economic bullying . . ." Oh, wait, nevermind.

Also, I notice that the assignment calls for you to discuss a "central argument of Perkins." What is his argument, precisely? If he argues that America dominates and exploits other countries through corporate capitalism, then Marxists would probably agree with him. If he argues that this should not happen (and I assume he does, or why expose it?), the same is true. Or does Perkins argue that companies should act the way his employers acted? Sorry for the confusion, but I haven't yet read his book, though I have heard of it before, and probably should.

Hope some of this was helpful.

Essays / Should the policy of supplying textbook for free adhere to colleges? [16]

Again, some good advice from Mustafa. Your opening sentence is too general. Be specific about the sorts of obstacles students face, and how these affect them. Don't be discouraged, though -- the whole point of writing essays is to learn through revision. Good luck.

Research Papers / Roman Empire: Cultural and Political Changes [4]

Also, those libraries that existed before the rise of the Internet are still in place, and may contain useful books on your subjects.

Essays / Essay on Professor's house & Old Mortality [4]

Yep, the instructions seem pretty straightforward. Come up with your best shot at some first drafts and post them here for advice on how to improve them.

Writing Feedback / Karl Marx vs. The Economic Hitman [7]

"simply immoral from the Marxist perspective " Actually, I don't think Marx said much about morality at all. Remember, he didn't call for a communist revolution or overthrow of the capitalist classes -- he merely predicted it. Likewise, he didn't view capitalism as evil, but merely as an inevitable economic stage that followed feudalism and preceded communism. He pretty much saw the world as being shaped by historical forces, which tends to eliminate moral concerns altogether.

Your essay gets off track towards the end. What does Perkins' arguments being un-American or un-Christian have to do with your thesis at all?

Otherwise, your essay is really well-written. Keep up the good work.

Undergraduate / Bachelor's degree in Nursing - my background, attitudes, and interest essay [5]

I agree with Kevin -- the first paragraph should go. Apart from that, the essay looks good.

Poetry / I have to write a senses poem for my assignment ("feeling doubt") [17]

Assail can also just mean "to have an impact on", though, so you have the advantage of a double meaning here, that "assaulting" wouldn't really give you.

Essays / Should the policy of supplying textbook for free adhere to colleges? [16]


He's right. This is vital context for your essay.

Also, you might want to attack the question. If the college were to give students textbooks for free, the college would be paying for them instead of the students. Where do colleges get their revenue? From tuition. So how would they get the extra money to pay this expense? By raising tuition fees. So, really, the students would still be paying for the books -- they would just be doing so through tuition fees rather than through bookstores.

Writing Feedback / "PGD method" - feetback on introduction of short academic essay [12]

The sort of repetition you are talking about is called anaphora, and it is a perfectly valid way of catching the reader's interest. I think your problem here is that you don't do it enough. If you had repeated the same phrase three or four times at the beginning of each sentence, it would be obvious that you were deliberately building up a rhythm. If you only do it twice, though, it is easy for the reader to think that you just couldn't think of a better way to phrase the second sentence!

I'd leave this as is "the burden of a morbid or disabled child." You are not saying that life is a burden for the disabled, only that raising a disabled child is more of a burden on parents than raising a normal child. This is perfectly true. It might be a burden they choose to bear lovingly, but it clearly does take more effort to look after a child that is different.

"However, this method is on no account morally acceptable in family planning, because it marks a new form of eugenics." So? This is not a valid reason for saying that it is not morally acceptable. There is nothing wrong, in theory, with eugenics, which merely means "good genes." Eugenics has a bad reputation because the people who originally pursued it sometimes had racist ideas about what constituted "good" genes, and because they often pursued their agenda without regard to the rights of other people. It is one thing to try to ensure every child is born healthy. It is quite another to decide to execute everyone who suffers from a genetic disorder or disability.

This is not to say that you can't argue that the method is morally unacceptable, but you are going to have to come up with a more coherent set of reasons if you hope to write a convincing essay.

Faq, Help / Passages translated into English - is it OK to post? [10]

Because the point of these forums is that everyone helps each other out. So, the post requirement makes sure that students have to offer at least some help to other forum users before they can get feedback themselves.

Writing Feedback / Pygmalion Paragraph for brochure [3]

Pygmalion takes its name from a Greek myth about love and perfection presented by Bernard Shaw in this play. Where a sculptor who creates a statue of a woman so perfect that he falls in love with it and prays to his gods to make it come to life. The sculptor in this play is a man named Higgins, who believes he can mold aThis is the idea about the play where a poor flower girl from the gutter called Eliza Doolittle, who is very dirty and has no manners, and her dream is to be a better person and become a more decent, gentle girl. Then an opportunity comes to her were she hears two gentlemen called "Higgins" and "Pickering" talking about Eliza and Higgins say's that he can change her ininto a duchess. Should she grabs the opportunity or not, so she decides to grab it and goes to the two gentlemen, So Pickering challenges him claiming that Higgins can't do it and Higgins accepts the bet and the excitement begins. But the question is Can Higgins succeedreally transfer her to a duchess?or will he fail and never change her, and Will he fall in love with her or not like the myth . Go to see it in theaters now and you will find out.

You need to add another rhetorical question or two near the end, in order to build more excitement, but the above changes should get you started on your second draft.