Graduate / "Archaeopteryx" - why graduate study, why Purdue, career goals, research interests - SOP [15]

Vinayak, you do not seem to have enough professional credentials to apply for masters degree studies. You only speak of college academic accomplishments and experience. An SOP for masters or PhD studies hinges on your professional experience of not less than 1.5 years and begs you answer the following questions:

1. What is your current profession and how does it relate to your desire for higher studies? (Possible promotion, change of career within the same field, etc.)

2. What professional training, seminars, lectures, hands on training have you recently attended that has pushed you to delve deeper into studies within the field?
3. A summary of your college background and internship experiences.
4. Short and long term career goals in terms of this profession and how this masters degree will help you achieve that.

These are the most important information that must provide in your SOP. Prove that you have what it takes to stay the course and complete it because the masters studies require more than any college degree has ever demanded of its students. Unless of course that student is taking up medicine :-)

Letters / Cover letter; my skills on researching, my flexibility on cross-cultural teams and my will to learn [3]

Photis, one thing you have to know about a cover letter is that you should not fill it with redundant information. That means that you need not mention your academic achievements and the like anymore because you already provided copies of your transcript of records and other essays that will help them analyze your credentials as a potential candidate for the program. Your cover letter should only provide bullet points of information about yourself that you wish to have them take note of in your application. This letter is only supposed to be the hook by which you entice the screening committee to learn more about your submitted credentials and the possibility of your candidacy in the said program. Speak of your interest in applying to the program and why you believe they should take note of your application. Just the major points, no more that 4 at the most in bullet form. Your credentials should be able to speak for itself.

Undergraduate / "Come! Buy your fresh vegetables here!" - Supplementary Essay for Harvard - Food [5]

Hadeel, I am not sure what is missing from your essay because you forgot to provide us with the essay prompt. The prompt is what will provide us with the instructions about what information your essay should contain and how it should be presented. The essay is interesting as it is and makes for an entertaining read. The throwback angle is something that brings the reader into your world through an imaginative process. At this point, I do not dare to advise you regarding bringing down the word count because I am not sure about how it will affect the overall essay. Give me the prompt so that I can better analyze the editing and content of the essay for you :-)

Undergraduate / Georgetown Essay- About me. How I became who I am right now. [3]

There is a gaping hole in your essay. Somewhere between the dark era of your life and your rising like a phoenix from the ashes of its ruins, you failed to explain how you came to the realization that you still had a chance a better life if you wanted to take it. How did you get out of the darkness that seems to have consumed every fiber of your being? What cataclysmic event triggered the change in you? We need to know what events led to this new personality in you so that we can have a better of where you came from, who you were, and who you are now. I think that gap comes from having cut and pasted 2 separate essays. Fill in the blanks :-) Don't forget to work on cleaning up the choppy grammar in certain parts. I am sure you know where they are ;-)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for PhD in electrical engineering, mainly applying for solid state devices [11]

Not at all Rosemary. The first paragraph, in my opinion, works well for its purpose. You could even develop it further if you wish to. I would suggest that you add the following paragraph to your motivation though:


Don't you think that this would make an excellent addition to your motivation and also give it more weight? The essay is really good at this point. The slight modification I am suggesting could make it even better. I hope that you consider it should you decide to revise the essay one more time :-)

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]

Here are some suggestions I have for tightening the essay and correcting some parts :-)
[...]

Graduate / 'passionate about making a difference in the lives' - Family Nurse Practitioner Admission Essay [7]


- Limit the wordiness of your essay. In this particular paragraph, you should only be discussing how you observed other FNP's in action from your vantage point as a nurse. Then tell us how that observation led you to believe that health care will be provided addressed if there were more FNP's on the floor to handle all of the cases coming into the E.R. As I recall, FNP's in major hospitals are normally assigned to the E.R. in order to lessen the workload of the actual doctors. Your job is to analyze the case, prescribe medicine when needed and then refer them to the proper doctor specialist when necessary. You are not allowed to treat major illnesses nor perform major procedures as a FNP. You are only a junior doctor, not a licensed M.D. You are going off tangent here.


- As a nurse, you already instill hope and administer care for your patients. You don't need to be a FNP to accomplish that. You are already equipped to instill those requirements in your patients as a nurse. Look beyond regular nursing for your motivation. Since as a FNP you will be allowed to set up a clinic of your own for minor consultations in your community, discuss a community motivation instead. Mention how communities will benefit from having a FNP clinic because they can get medical treatment for minor illnesses and get the correct specialist recommendations based upon proper medical evaluation by a FNP. This eliminates the guessing game with regards to community health and practices.


- Don't be boastful in your admissions essays. Try to just sell them on the idea that you are academically inclined and have the proper academic foundation to complete this course at the level that it entails. You can actually combine your academic and personal attributes in one paragraph because from what I have read of the following paragraph, you did just that.


- This is unnecessary. Don't suck up. Let your essay and your other academic documents speak for itself in terms of meriting your admission to the school.

If you revise the essay as per my advise, you should see the word count go down since you will be only direct to the point and not very flowery with your statements. Remember, we have only a limited amount of time to express all of the require parts and catch the attention of the admissions officers who will be reviewing and approving your application. Just get to the point at once. Don't try to over explain yourself. Just answer the questions asked. Too much information will hurt your application, not help it. Don't offer information not asked for. Stay away from the unnecessary statements like what other people said about success and things like that. Those are just unnecessary word fillers.

Undergraduate / My educational goal is PhD of engineer - Waterloo's Computer Engineer Admission Information Form [6]

Thien, since you are applying for undergraduate studies, you should not mention your future goal as an Engineering PhD yet. Your main goal right now is to graduate with a degree in Computer Engineering in order to become an engineer. Your essay should contain a discussion towards creating the basis for your interest in computer engineering. This will include any prior amateur experience with computer development such as upgrading your own hardware system to create a more efficient machine. Putting together your own computer from scratch for a specific purpose, having internships in the relevant field or even attending short term courses that would present a solid idea of your foundation in the area. Describe what your end goal is upon graduation. Your end goal is not to become a PhD as that requires a totally different set of educational requirements. Present your end goal / objective as graduating with a degree in computer engineering and with that degree, you hope to create a super computer of some sorts for the betterment of mankind in the future. A PhD ambition in this field is not relevant at this point. You are still building your foundation towards getting a PhD in the future. Your immediate goal is to finish college and work in the field.

After having spoken about those important aspects, you now have to discuss why you chose to apply to Waterloo. Some of the points for discussion at that point include:

1. The school computer program reputation
2. The computer program curriculum
3. The internships and hands on training the school offers
4. The student community

Write down your full response to the essay in complete form. Don't worry about the word count. I will help you edit it down to 900 words or less after we have edited the content.

Undergraduate / They say that you are who you surround yourself with. At Notre Dame, my peers would be excellent. [2]

Kelly, this is already a very good statement response in a common sense of responding to it. I had hoped that you could give a deeper and stronger response by choosing a core value or the mission / goals / objectives of Notre Dame as an educational institution and as a molder of minds and character traits that can help to inspire you and the world we live in. By creating a deeper connection with the university through any of those criteria you will be able to show them that you will succeed as a student because you embody that which the university holds as a near and dear trait of its students, the fact that you can perform the way a graduate of the school is expected to represent the school. I am only making this suggestion because I believe it can make a better paper for you. I am not saying this current version is bad. In fact, you can use this version if you want to :-) I am only offering a review and commentary of your work.

Undergraduate / In the Tomb-Sweeping Day several years ago, I went back to Kaiping; common application [4]

Katetan, this is not really a child to adult transition story. It is more like "I want you to behave so I will show you the other side of life" type of narrative. This is a lesson narrative instead of a transition narrative. Try to look for one event in your life that offered you a chance to prove your sense of responsibility, authority, or ability to make important decisions that relate to your sense of maturity as an individual. Some of these instances can include a religious event that marks your coming of age (as in the Jewish tradition), circumcision (as in a social and cultural concept). your first hunt (as a family tradition), getting a driver's license (as a government right of passage) and many others. These all depict events that have you gain a larger sense of who you are in the overall scheme of the world and how you must now act as a person. Note that one thing connotes maturity in these events, you come of age and are given more responsibility because you are expected to finally be responsible, logical, and mature enough to handle these situations.

Undergraduate / Until recently I have never discussed my reasons or motivations for my attendance at my local gym [2]

This is more than just being about contentment for you and truly, you have flown off tangent. This story is more about being inspired and motivated to achieve rather than simply feeling content. Contentment is a simple feeling. A sense that we get in life once we know that we have achieved a sense of inner peace. I will be honest here and say that there is a portion of this essay that almost fulfilled the prompt requirements. This portion:


is really a statement that embodied the contentment that you felt for 2 hours each time you were at the gym. That is what we are after here, a consistent sense of contentment that you acquire each time you are in a certain place or environment. Do you think you can develop that sense of contentment based upon this particular statement? I truly hope that you can because this is a very strong statement on your part that can truly respond to the prompt requirements. Talk about the other people at the gym who offer you unquestioning friendship, a sense of home or family since you were homeless at the time, allowing you to feel content and accepted in this place.

Undergraduate / A one-way Road; I try to recall every second of my past journey and its eccentricities [2]

De Angelis, you really have a serious problem in understanding your common essay prompts. You are always deviating from the prompt requirements and this essay is no exception to that trend that you have set. 4 days of experience? Nope. That is not what the essay is asking you to explain or narrate. You simply had to choose a place. Say, your bedroom. Then explain why you feel most content there. Maybe you feel content there because it is your private world where you can to anything you wish without any prying eyes upon you. Maybe you feel comfortable in the shower where you can get lost in your own thoughts as the water trickles down upon you from the shower head. For an environment, you could discuss a sense of contentment probably overcomes you as you sit in your backyard doodling away on your sketchpad, lost in the imaginary world where your dreams come true.Or the public library where you are with other people, quietly reading and contemplating the meaning of the written words as they apply to your life. Maybe the environment of a chapel or community charitable affair where you find contentment in serving others. Why do you feel content when serving others?

These are examples of places, environments, and reasons why you can find contentment in these areas. It does not have to be a 4 day long trek to a place that nobody understands. You would need to explain what that ritual is all about and why it gives you a sense of contentment to participate in such an environment. Revise your essay to reflect something similar. This essay does not accomplish the task dictated by the prompt requirement.

Undergraduate / My hand was tremendously shaking; my mind was filled with excessive thoughts - MIT supplement essay [2]

Okay, I strongly advice that you change the topic of your essay. Never ever use an essay story that has you coming out as a loser in the end. Always portray yourself as a winner in all aspects in order to build a winning image with the admissions committee. The fact that you gave up and then did not even finish the work is not something you should be presenting to people who hold the key to your college admission in their hands. Try to find another experience in your life. One that had you in a similar difficult situation but where you came out on top because of your patience, perseverance, or determination to succeed. Those are the kinds of essay narratives that catch the attention of the admissions officers. Don't tell us you are a failure, tell us why you succeed and why that trait is something we should pay attention to in your application.

Scholarship / I like to assume biology experiments as a expedition to the microcosm, it makes me excited, zealous [2]

Yang, your essay is quite intricate and informative. Whether the content you chose to present is uncommon or not is something that we cannot answer here because we are not privy to the kind of essays submitted by various KGSP applicants. The way I see it, you need not be so detailed in your essay because it comes across as repetitive and boring at a certain point. Why not just present a summary discussion of the following:

1. Your family life and how they inspired you to pursue your goals. Never mind the part about any opposition to who you became because that is not relevant to this essay.

2. Your relevant undergraduate experiences and accomplishments in summary form.
3. Your current work experience in relation to the masters program you want to apply to.
4. Your relevant on the job training or seminars attended.
5.Discuss how you hope these advanced studies will help you attain your future goal.

This is basically an enhanced version of a statement of purpose so you should write it based upon a similar criteria such as the one I listed above.

Writing Feedback / If you could uninvent one of a major inventions, what would it be? Brandeis Supplemental Essay [2]

Excellent essay! I do not see any need to add anything to this discussion nor correct any content within it because it already covers all of the necessary discussion points. If anything, I would like to have seen you close out the essay with a depiction of what you believe the 21st century world would be like if the smartphones were not invented, rather than going all the way back to the 18th century for that discussion. Remember, progress cannot be prevented, only hindered. So how would you see our current world functioning without the smart phone? If you were to uninvent the smartphone, what do you think would have taken its place, owing to the fact that you want to promote more face to face conversations in real life? I believe the addition of that discussion would make the essay even more interesting :-)

Undergraduate / My educational goal is PhD of engineer - Waterloo's Computer Engineer Admission Information Form [6]

Thien, without meaning to insult you, must ask if you already have a college degree in Engineering? The reason I ask is because your highly simplified admissions information essay is quite below the standards of a PhD level application. In fact, the prompt sounds more like it is meant to provide a college level based essay, not a PhD application essay which would have asked for masters level information relating to your current work experience. Kindly clarify that point. Your essay as it stands now does not provide any information that is acceptable for a PhD application. Perhaps you mean to say that you are hoping to get a PhD certificate in the future? After you complete college? Please advise. The essay in its current form cannot be properly edited until we know if this is for a college of PhD level application for sure. Thanks.

Undergraduate / Puberty is one of the experiences that helped me as a person [2]

Hi Charlie, is this supposed to be a common app essay or something? You did not really offer us the topic or give us instructions for the review of your essay so I am not sure what it is that I am supposed to be looking for in your work. Would you mind giving me an idea by uploading the instructions or essay prompt as soon as possible? I would greatly appreciate it. Right now, the essay has a very generic feel to it that does not give much weight to the seriousness of puberty or your experiences. I can offer a better review and offer relevant suggestions once I find out what direction this essay is supposed to be headed in. I look forward to receiving the instructions soon :-)

Undergraduate / My fourth grade teacher always struck me as a perfect role model; influencing person [3]

YJ, this is a very good essay. You chose someone that not all students actually pay attention to. Teacher as more often than not taken for granted in their line of work and are often the object of a students ire. It is nice to see how you found something to not only love, but emulate in your teacher. While the description you gave of her was quite interesting and visual, I wish that you had gone on a little bit deeper with regards to the way she influenced your life. Perhaps offering us a glimpse into the kind of relationship that you had with her on an individual basis. This would have given us a clearer and even better idea as to how and why you chose to make her the exemplary role model basis for your essay. Over all, this is solid work and can actually already be used in its current form. The mention I made was only a suggestion which you may or may not choose to use :-)

Undergraduate / One particular incident changed me from being self-centered to being sensitive to others. [10]

This is just a sample of how you can start off the essay with the terrorism aspect and then segue it into the charity work. Make your adjustments or create your own as you seem fit.

On November 28, 2008, one of the most violent terrorist attacks to happen in Mumbai. For those from India, we know this infamous day as 11/28, the dates taken to connote the kind of fear and emotions that the events of 9/11 set upon the world. As I sat transfixed before the television set, safe with my family members, I could not help but feel a deep sense of fear and sadness. Fear because we did not know how the hostage taking would unfold, would they survive? Would they all be killed? How will it affect the rest of the citizenry of our country? After the dust settled and the hostages were freed, and the other horrific events related to it came to an end, I came to realize, I had to do something for my countrymen because my government could only do so much in a very incapable manner. I was consumed by a desire to help them rebuild their lives and understand that though they are victims, they are not dead, they still have a life to live and a future to look forward to.

From that point, you can add this part of your original essay. Do not use any of the original beginning portions:

Do you see how I manipulated the essay to center upon you and the development of your central identity as made relevant by the terrorism and other aspects?

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for PhD in electrical engineering, mainly applying for solid state devices [11]

This is a very good version Rosemary. It contains all of the necessary points that highlight your proficiency in the profession. However, it contains one small flaw. Towards the end of the essay you mention hoping to achieve these plans through the help of the university. Yet you do not make any mention of how the university can help you attain these objectives? Does the university offer an internship program or training module that you know will be able to help hone your skills? Discuss it. Are there any professors you look forward to working? Mention them by name and why you hope to work with them. Do you have a project idea in the future? How can the laboratory and research materials / sources of the university help you further that investigation? These are essential parts that drive your career towards the future, highlighting the ability of the university to help make these visions a reality.

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]

Gia, I am glad you have found a version that you are comfortable with. I would love to help you with your sentence structure and grammar errors at this point but the thread seems to have locked the rest of the essay away from my view. Would you mind posting the first version in its entirety once more here? I'll work on the grammar and sentence problems as soon as I see it posted. By the way, don't forget to run a simple spell check program using your word document before you upload the essay. That helps you find any minor spelling and possible grammatical errors before you send it to me for proof reading :-) Thanks.

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

Ivank, it is certainly getting better. Let me assist you this time by helping you to expand and explain the content per paragraph. I'll offer you some guidelines regarding it :-)


- You can start off your essay by explaining something along these lines:
Being a person who has had a lifelong passion of arts, creativity, fashion, and design, I have long tried to find a way to fulfill my passions in the Mexican educational system. Sadly, there is no school, college, or university in my home country that will allow me to pursue my passions in the manner that I wish to. That is why I had to look overseas for the fulfillment that I crave, During this search, I came across FIT where, after coming to understand what the school stands for and what it allows the students to pursue, I came to the realization that I belong in the word that FIT offers.

- Connect the rest of your paragraph to this :-) After I see how it looks in the new form, I will try to come up with a template version for you to base your next and hopefully final revision on :-)

Book Reports / "Greasy Lake" - how the point of view affected the meaning of the story? [4]

The there is no problem with your paper Morgan. It is alright to submit based upon the instructions your teacher gave. Your said something in your response though that I believe you should work into the introduction or first paragraph of your paper. Consider rephrasing the following:


After I read this statement of yours, I wondered why you did not include these thoughts and feelings in the beginning of the paper. I mean, this really shows a great analysis of the work on your part and gives credibility to the quotes that you chose to use in a very definite and analytical manner. Of course this is just a suggestion :-)

Book Reports / Help with paragraphing and topic sentences for the book 'Fahrenheit 451' [2]

Bella, aren't you supposed to write only 1 book report using one of the seven methods? Since this is a Ray Bradbury novel, there are a number of ways that you can write your report. I have a few topic suggestions for you based on 3 writing methods that I would opt to choose from if I were the one writing the report.

1. Compare and Contrast: Remember that the book was written during the time when "questionable" American books were being severely censored and removed from the libraries of schools and public access. These books were being publicly burned as a part of public "cleansing". Ray Bradbury himself often said that he wrote the book in reference to these events. So you can compare the events in the book with a historical account of the book burning that occurred during the same moment in time. It will take some research on your part but it will be a very good book report that shows your dedication to discussing the fine details of the book.

2. Main idea / details: This would be the simplest way to write the book report. It would only be a summary of the paper, highlighting the important details discussed in the book. The point of this essay would be to deliver an understanding of how you perceived the events in the book and what your opinion might be of the events depicted.

3. Classification: Would mean that you would need to understand the kind of work that the book is classified under. I believe it is science fiction. You will need to do some research relating to other reviews of the book (easily found online) and then discuss how the reviews of the book, and your personal review depict the actual classification of the book and why it has to be classified that way.

I hope my suggestions help :-) I am not sure about how to develop the topic sentences for you. It will all depend upon what writing style you choose and what particular aspects of the novel you will want to write about.

Edit: A theme is censorship, and you can talk about the restrictions on civil liberties in many societies around the world. This would be a good start for a developed essay.

Book Reports / "Greasy Lake" - how the point of view affected the meaning of the story? [4]

Morgan, are you supposed to be writing an opinion paper or a summary of the book? From the looks of it, there is not much of an opinion contained here. An opinion paper normally contains your opinion about the story and certain aspects of the characters development and storyline. Most of your essay contains references to what goes on in the book, but no opinion coming from you about the events depicted. That would include its strengths and weaknesses in an over all manner. Right now, this feels more like a summary paper rather than an opinion paper. Do you have any guide questions for your essay? Normally a book report includes some points of consideration given by your teacher. That would help you better create a point of view and respond properly to the expectations of the teacher when she grades your paper. Mainly, an opinion paper would contain more than just a summary of the story and a "he said" , "she said", style of quotations. Give your teacher your opinion of the work. What works in the story? Why does it work? What doesn't work in the story? Why doesn't it work? How did you like the character development? Who is the strongest character and why? Who was the weakest and why? Those are just some opinions that you can provide to the teacher in this paper. All of those will be based upon your opinion after having read and analyzing the book.

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

Adeyemi, try this version on for size. It is 189 words. I took the essence of your essay and wrote it in a straightforward manner. If you like it, then use it in is current form. It's alright with me :-)

My brother, whom I was very close to and who had a strong influence in my life died nine years ago. He was more than a brother to me. He was a mentor, a bodyguard, a best friend. He was the person who taught me how to deal with my growing up issues and he had my back whenever i needed support. So his death was truly devastating for me to accept.

As I matured, I came to realize that his death did not mean the disappearance our sibling bond. My bond with him became stronger as I found myself often thinking back to our times together, when I was in doubt and thinking of his words of wisdom whenever I felt like I would not be able to accomplish something. This was when I realized that my perspective about death had changed.

Death does not mean the total disappearance of a person and their influence upon you. Instead, death means that the person will live forever in your heart and memories, constantly influencing you in a way that their words would never have had they continued to live.

Undergraduate / The life of an immigrant that came to the US, but was terrified [9]

Mahmoud, the presence of your mother has nothing to do with the adjustments that you had to make when you arrived in the United States. The point of the story is to present an idea of how you had to struggle to rediscover who you were once you arrived in the United States. You had to learn to adapt and change in order to fit into the new community and new country, most specially, the new educational system that is far different from your old school system. These are the factors that make up your central identity and as such, must be represented in your essay. Your mother may have always been with you but I am sure that you had to make some adjustment to your family life when you arrived in the U.S. because over that period of time, your siblings surely had changed from what you had originally known since they had already adapted to the American lifestyle. I am not saying you have to discuss that if you don't want to. Just discuss topics that are central to the development of your identity that you are comfortable letting people know about :-)

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

Ivanka, thank you for letting me know about the word count limitation. Now, this is what I would like you to do. Forget the word count. Just write the essay in the best way that allows you to express your thoughts,desires, and offers the clearest explanation about yourself. I don't care if the word count is 1000 by the time you finish it. If we have a clear picture of what it is that you want to say, no matter how wordy it is, we will be able to edit it properly and allow the clear essence of your sentiments to come through. I'll assist you every step of the way. Unless you let yourself free and express yourself completely in the paper, we will not be able to reach a satisfactory version of this paper. Shall we work on it? :-) I will make sure you bring it down to the proper word count in a manner that best expresses what you want to say. If you stick with me, I am willing to keep helping you edit the paper until we both know the paper is the best it can be :-) Do we have the time to work on it? When is it due for submission?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Films are so popular today mainly due to the benefits they bring to human beings [2]

Mariana, you have gotten quite creative with your essay writing. This essay in particular shows that you have spent a great deal of time involving yourself in American culture and reading materials. Your reference to medical specialists point if view certainly proves that you have given great thought and consideration to the content of the essay. Your presentation shows a better grasp of the American English language and a developing ease and familiarity in the way that you write your essays. Good job! By the way, the part where you mention watching an American movie, please mention what movie it was so that it can serve as supporting evidence in the paragraph. Great work! I can't wait to read your next essay :-)

Undergraduate / JMU - personal statement to highlight special interests, talents, goals or unique experiences [2]

Excellently written Nassima. A word of caution though, you should not start any sentence with "And", that is a hard and unchangeable English grammar rule, you could place a comma after the last word though and change the capital letter to a small letter A thus making it simply a continued thought of the previous sentence. The essay has a very good effect of portraying the kind of maturity that you developed over your years and high school and heightens the fact that you will definitely strive better to do better as a college student. I believe that this essay works quite well for your application and really applies to the prompt as you allowed yourself to be seen in a light that could not have been covered by the other common app essays. You used this free topic essay quite to your advantage :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Topic : Competition among friends can destroy a friendship. [4]

Kim, an overview of the discussion that you were about to give would have been in order. Your opinion on the matter is a necessary part of the introduction since the first paragraph must contain the restated prompt, overview of the discussion, and a quick reference to the stance that you are personally taking in the discussion. Mariana is right though, you need to close the paragraph by saying that further explanations are to follow in the essay.

While I agree with all of the points that you presented to support that competition does not destroy a friendship, I believe that this essay is asking you to present an opinion based upon 2 sides. Remember, there are real life friendships that were destroyed by competition. There have been instances when business competition, or personal competition have caused burned bridges among friends, parting them in ways that could never be repaired and sometimes causing generational family feuds as well.

In my opinion, I believe that your essay would have been more balanced and convincing if you had presented an opposing discussion. By doing so, you could have argued the reasons of the opposition in such a manner that would have produced a winning argument for your opinion towards the end of the paper.

Writing Feedback / "Success in not final, failure is not fatal; it is the will to continue that counts" [3]

Masroor, while you present some very iconic names as examples of people who were educated by failure, you neglected to present the most effective example of a person who has failed, learned from his mistakes, and then became a better person after the real life education he received, you. You have a host of life experiences in failure and learning to draw upon. No matter how simple the mistake you made, you learned a lesson from it. Your voice, your experience, will actually boost this essay to become even better than it is at the moment. Remember, the essay prompt also asks you to draw upon your personal experience for justification of your position on the discussion topic. By presenting your personal experience regarding the matter, the essay will become even stronger and more convincing.

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]


This is an excellent explanation that should definitely finds its way into you essay. This is the kind of intimate contact that should be represented when you present the following paragraph;


as an independent paragraph depicting your interest and how FIT is the perfect school for a person of your diverse interests :-) Shall we give it another try?

Undergraduate / 'disconnected world dominated by technology' - freshman application personal statements 1 of 2 [3]

Seth, this is a very well developed essay. The discussion you present is quite timely given the fact that social media has taken over our daily lives and has become the preferred mode of interaction. I would have liked to see you develop a particular aspect though. Are you concerned about the death of formal interaction or the demise of story telling? Please be very clear and point out which of the two you are concerned with in the essay. I believe that by the second paragraph, you have made it clear that story telling is the part you consider important, but it would be best if you presented that as clear as possible at the start of the essay for clarity sake :-)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for PhD in electrical engineering, mainly applying for solid state devices [11]

Rosemary, don't break down your statement of purpose into sections with headings. That is not the proper format for a SOP presentation. Just write this essay the way you would normally write an application essay. You need to further develop your motivation for pursuing this degree. It is too simplistic and requires that you present more information about your interest in the field and how you can benefit from these higher studies. Do not close the essay with a plea to the university for admission. That is not part of a purpose essay and may have an adverse effect on your application. Like I said before, just write this as a normal application essay. Develop further reasons that will highlight the fact that only the professors and courses offered at this university will be able to fill your academic needs. It is too short and does not really speak much about how attending their university will help you with your advanced studies. Try to develop the essay as best as you can then let me know if you have a word count so that when we reach the final version, I can help you bring it down to the proper word count :-)

Undergraduate / I learned the sport all by myself - Skating - Extracurricular Activities essay [13]

I actually like both essays. Each essay presents a different aspect of your personality that makes for an interesting read. It is actually difficult for me to advice you regarding which version to use as both apply very well to the prompt requirements. The best thing to do in this case is allow you to make the choice regarding which essay to use. One essay shows your resiliency and ability to learn and work unsupervised. Sure your way of doing things may not follow the rules and can be considered unorthodox by some, but the important thing is that you get the job done. In the second one, you showed a sense of responsibility and dedication to your job above your sense of preserving personal relationships. Both are good character traits in a person and either can be beneficial to your application packet. Choose the one that you feel best works for you and use it :-)

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]

You speak of science in your essay, so mentioning God given intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Remember, there is a great debate between the belief in a god and the belief in science, the two can never and will never mix because the two beliefs are based upon differing principles. In my opinion, your Stephen Hawking reference introduction works best with this essay. However, if you wish to go with this second opening,then that is your prerogative. Choose one introduction you are comfortable with and then use it with the essay. I can't choose the introduction for you. You need to make that choice for yourself :-) I can only advice you about content and offer you options regarding choices that you have to make for the betterment of your essay.

Undergraduate / One particular incident changed me from being self-centered to being sensitive to others. [10]

Rhea, here is the thing with your central identity essay, it is trying to deal with 2 highly different subject matters in a merged manner. Terrorism and charity work do not really function together in this case. Mainly because you continue to spend too much time discussing what you watched on television as opposed to how the terrorist attack affected you as a person. Then in the latter part, you discuss working for a charity that deals with abused children. My opinion, is that you should stop trying to discuss terrorism and its effects on you and instead concentrate on the charity work because it relates more to the development of your central identity. Sometimes, when an essay tries to talk of 2 separate topics, a disconnection in the final written product occurs. That is what is happening in your case. So you need to choose one identity and then develop that theme for this essay.

Undergraduate / Egotism - My failure; I've accepted that I'm not the best, and I'm perfectly fine with that. [2]

Aditya, the essay you wrote is good in a narrative sense but has room for improvement in terms of discussing the requirements of the essay prompt. You need to shorten the essay to discuss the most pivotal moment in your life that helped you realize that your ego was getting in the way of your success. You already presented a very effective introduction to your being egotistical at the start. You just need to focus the essay on a particular event and develop that well in order to fully develop and discuss the prompt requirement. You just need to focus on one time or incident, one failure caused by your ego and how you changed after you realized that if you had not let you ego get in the way, you would have been successful at what you were trying to accomplish. You don't need to discuss multiple scenarios that only give us a peek into how your ego works but does not really reflect any lessons that you learned (if any) from that failure. That is what is lacking in your essay, the sense of a lesson learned from a failure caused by your ego. Try to develop one of your many experiences along those lines and your response should align with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Pick your favorite artist or designer. Write about a day that you would spend with her/him... [5]

Rhea, this is the perfect response to the essay prompt. I congratulate you on developing such an interesting day to spend with Ulf Moritz. The interaction you had with him seems to be based on fact and not assumptions. I assume you are very familiar with his work and interviews? It sometimes sounds like you are quoting sound bytes from him which is why I am asking. Don't worry, that did not affect the impact of the essay. I noticed that you posted a word count. Did you go over the count? If so, what is the count and would you like me to help you bring it down to the required count?