Undergraduate / What I achieved by trying to approach my dream - essay about passion [2]

Your essay is a bit confusing to read. When you talk about passing exams to 2 universities, are you talking about your graphic arts studies or regular university? Please clarify those points for the readers and make sure that you are easily understood by the reader. I believe that you should revise the essay to instead focus on how difficult it was for you to achieve your desire to study graphic arts instead of confusing it with your almost failure to attend regular university. When you speak of a passion, you should strengthen that desire in the written word. Mention your parent's opposition to it and how you were pursuing it without their knowledge. You need to prove your passion for the arts and show that you will pursue it with or without the support of your family members. If you refocus your essay in the revision, you will find that your essay will reduce in word count and quite possibly fall within the word limit in the process.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for PhD in electrical engineering, mainly applying for solid state devices [11]

When you write a statement of purpose, you need to be direct to the point and always elaborate on the portions that you believe will best help enhance your application. While I saw that you spoke of certain questions in your essay, it was quite veiled and had to be looked for by the reader. These reviewers always appreciate papers that present the information they need to find in a straightforward manner because they only have minutes to spare in reading each essay that comes across their desk. Try to revise the paper by using the 4 questions I provided and with regards to your project proposal, present that halfway through the paper. That is always interesting for the reviewer to read. Specially if you can show how the university can be of assistance to you in completing that project. It will after all, bring prestige to their university should your project turn out to be an industry changing project.

Undergraduate / Provide details of circumstances or qualifications not reflected in the application - Common app [2]

Fenna, this is a very good and effective personal background essay. Let me help you correct the grammatical errors though. Nothing serious. You have a very good grasp of the English language and use it very well :-)


- ... I could not help but loathe my own mother.


- When I was fifteen... an acquaintance who was one...
- You need to develop the background of this paragraph how and why did social services get involved in your case? We need to find out why you had to be removed from your family setting. It is integral to your story.


- Combine these into one continuous paragraph. These are all related discussions. Who is Josine?
- ... had already moved out of the family home.


- How is this relevant to your story? What is your current job at Climate Analytics? Why will you travel to Sri Lanka on your own?

There are just a few holes in your essay that need to be filled in so that it can be made even better and stronger.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for PhD in electrical engineering, mainly applying for solid state devices [11]

Rosemary, don't worry so much about the effect of your masters grades on your PhD application. The reason I can say this is because You are no longer in college, applying for transfer to a different major or acceptance into a college department. Most of the concentration in your SOP will be upon your professional experience, seminars attended, and on the job training that is relevant to your chosen PhD field of study. I read your SOP and found that you have the proper qualifications for an effective statement of purpose. You just need to present it in the proper manner in order for it to become more effective as a part of your application. Try to answer the following questions in your SOP, consider it a prompt guide for your reference.

1. What is your current profession, how long have you held the position?
2. What are your goals in setting your sights on completing a PhD degree? Do you have any possible project proposal or thesis proposal that would prove to be beneficial to your field of work in the future?

3. How will the university you are applying to be able to help you achieve your goals? Name the professors, areas of study, and other relevant information relating to your goals and the course curriculum you wish to take in reference to this.

4. Mention anything else related to your work experience such as your seminars attended and on the job training or perhaps future internships you look forward to attending as additional information in your statement.

These are the normally expected questions and answers in a statement of purpose so you should be able to provide a well developed and written statement essay. Just stick to answering the basic questions and present other information in the other application essays you are expected to write.

Writing Feedback / Ebola prevention research paper [2]

Savannah, your paper would be better if you provided a clear thesis statement in the introductory paragraph. That would have established the clear method by which the paper would present its research and other factual information. While you did present accurately researched information within your research, you have not been able to establish the clear process that you want to present in the paper. You have the title as Ebola Prevention Research but all you have done so far is submit already known information about the fight against Ebola. What you have to do is think outside the box. Present your personal point of view of what can be done in order to help prevent the spread of the illness bases upon the already existing research and infection prevention protocols. When you say you want to prevent the spread of Ebola, how do you envision doing that? Use quotes and supporting facts from current sources to give weight to your assumptions and the possibility that your ideas just might work.

Undergraduate / When I was a year old, my family was selected for the Diversity Immigrant Visa program in Sudan [4]

You can write this essay either way Abdeel. Both are acceptable narratives based upon the requirements of the essay prompt. I believe that it would be best for you to concentrate on a single event in your life that you feel helped to define who you are as a person rather than trying to cover various aspects of your life in relation to your central identity development. It is always easier to develop one story and trait rather than trying to fit in all aspects of your identity in one essay. Write up a new essay based on a single identity development story and compare it to the way this particular essay functions. You should see the difference and be able to decide upon which version you will feel comfortable using. Don't be afraid to keep revising. I have known people on this forum who wrote around 20 versions of their central identity essay before he finally got the version he felt very comfortable using :-)

Writing Feedback / [essays] is it appropriate for magazine or newspaper to give private information about people? [2]

There is a side to the argument that you have failed to present as a counter argument to your stand that newspapers and magazines should not share private information about people. Celebrities such as actors and people who were born into the spotlight (such as Prince William) and those who married into it (Duchess Kate and Princess Diana) become public property because of their chosen profession or status in life. Therefore, everything they do is of interest to people. People themselves like to be voyeurs into the private lives of these people and pay the magazines and newspapers to do just that. Those who purchase paparazzi magazines and tabloid journals feed this kind of business. Therefore, the reasoning that it is wrong for these yellow journalists to be selling the information about these people becomes flawed. There are people interested in this information so there will be people willing to sell access to that data. With 300 words for this essay, you could have balanced the discussion more by weighing both sides of the issue and then coming to your own conclusion about the thesis statement.

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

Tecjoon, the first thing you have to do in this essay is lose the word Grok. Why? If the word requires you to explain its meaning to a very busy admissions officer reviewing your application then you have already failed to gain his attention and he is sure to set aside this application essay. Do not use confusing or uncommon words in your essay. Try to revise the first paragraph again in order to create a stronger hook that will allow you to fully utilize the rest of the essay that you have written. You are not trying to write the next Star Trek novel so drop all references to Grok. Don't try to be flashy. You are trying to get into college so stop with the smart aleck attitude and just be a straightforward student doing his best in his essay to get considered for admission. Don't try to seem more intelligent than you actually are by using big words. I am not saying you are not intelligent. I am saying that not everyone will be familiar with the word and its meaning so it will definitely hurt your application. Just keep it simple and say what you want to say in a way that you know everyone will understand while reading your application.

Letters / I enjoy my job and I am benefited from taking part in project [4]

Gavin, the essay you have written is quite informative. It presents complete information about your background as a student and as a professional. Although you are to be admired for such attention to detail, a motivation letter need not be overly informative nor long winded. There are actually some basic guidelines, similar to that of writing a statement of purpose that you can and should consider while you revise your letter. Just provide the necessary information for the reviewer to consider regarding your application. These are information such as:

1. Do you have any particular career objective that can be fulfilled by this higher level of academic proficiency? I assume you are applying for PhD studies? What course are you planning to pursue?

2. How does your choice of school help you achieve your career goals?
3. What can you tell them about your current and previous professional accomplishments that can relate to your plans for higher study? Do you have a purpose such as developing a specific program or piece of equipment that can help push your profession forward in the 21st century?

4. Explain what shortcomings you feel you have at the moment and how you view these studies as a step towards fixing your perceived inabilities.

A word of caution, just because this is called a motivation letter does not mean that it has to be written in the same letter format as a formal letter. This is still considered an academic essay and as such, does not require formal letter language. It does not need to start with "Dear" nor end with "Sincerely". Just write it the way you would write a normal application essay :-)

Remember, you are now a professional in a responsible career. There is no need to rehash your college studies or your masters studies in the essay. At the PhD level, the requirements all relate to your professional abilities already. What you learned on the job in a hands on environment is more important and revealing than the theoretical knowledge you gained in college and the masters level. Look even further forward into your career at this point. Show them that you want to leave your mark in this field by doing something remarkable and ask them to assist you in achieving that goal.

Writing Feedback / Tall and loving it - I reached the height of six-foot-two when I was done growing [3]

Caitlyn, the response that you wrote does not exactly fall within the qualifications of the prompt. Instead of writing about how being tall is something that you hated, why not spin it into something more positive? Rather than the shallow discussion that you present at the moment regarding your love for fashion and how your height was a hindrance, why not discuss how your height has worked to your advantage in certain instances? For example, maybe there was an activity that you could participate in that the shorter girls could not because they did not have the height for it. Or maybe it has helped you positively in some extra curricular activities or volunteer work? Remember, the essay is asking you to present your unique ability in a positive light. At the moment, your essay is just complaining about your height being a hindrance even though in the end you seem to have found a reason to not view it as a hindrance. I beg your pardon but this has to be said, the essay you wrote is too shallow and does not really help your application in any way. You need to change the theme of your essay from one of complaining to one of acceptance and seeing the bright side of being extremely tall for a girl :-)

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]


- I am not sure what you mean by this. I think you mean Grok is a book character? You need to clarify where this word comes from and why it is very special to you. Just telling us that it is the martian word for water does not explain its relevance to you or your application.


- Don't end the paragraph with uncertainty. Always be confident in your essays. You are ready to drink. Tell them that you are ready to drink from the brook that is Columbia or something like that. Don't ask for permission. Tell the reader what you want to do.

Overall an excellent revision. It has vastly improved over the first draft and just needs a few more tweaks and fine tuning before it can be used. It is getting there fast :-)

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

- Ivanka, have you given any thought as to how FIT can help you further develop your skills and help you achieve your potential in your major? It is best to explain how FIT fits into your idea of education in this field. I find that FIT is always looking for a parallel in the student, their chosen major, and the subjects offered at FIT. Perhaps you can still develop this part of the essay to reflect your abilities as a potential FIT student based upon the course syllabus of your major? Mentioning some classes that you look forward to attending based upon your self taught experience should be more than effective in portraying your qualities as a future FIT student.

- In this portion, highlight how FIT is the perfect school for you. Mention the school by name and tell the admissions officer about some of the classes and activities at the school that you feel best highlight your interest in enrolling at FIT. Try to merge this particular statement with the paragraph I mention above. It seems like a logical step to have these two paragraphs succeeding each other because of the related content.

Undergraduate / Serving Others in Philadelphia; I become more responsible adult [3]

Emmaline, your essay was not able to properly answer the prompt because you did not properly analyze the essay requirements. The fact that you went on a mission to help others in Philadelphia is an excellent basis for this transition essay. The problem is that you did not choose one particular moment during the mission to help illustrate the transition that happened within you. You need to revise the content, but not the theme of the essay in this case. Keep your setting in Philadelphia but recall the work that you did there before you start writing your second draft. Try to choose one of the many volunteer activities that touched you in a personal level and changed your point of view about something or the treatment of a person. Develop that particular event in the essay. Discuss any bias that you had, how you felt while helping that person or people, and finally, how you were changed by the act of kindness that you did. Explain how developing that new outlook was something that you did not expect to have because it is an outlook that a teenager does not usually have in life. The event needs to have impacted you on a deep emotional level and also allowed you to grow further as a person in terms of character or outlook in life. I wish you luck with your revision. I'll be happy to assist you whenever I can :-)

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

Adeyemi, death and the cemetery, although both related to the topic of death deal with two different perspectives. Since you are discussing death in relation to the memory of your brother, you need not delve on the cemetery aspect. Your essay lacks a clear presentation about how your perspective about death changed once you realized that your brother had died. Try to look for a deeper meaning for death in your essay. Give yourself a reason for understanding and accepting the fact that your brother had died. Finally, explain how that understanding and coming to terms with your brothers death has allowed you gain a better perspective about a topic that you once feared.

Undergraduate / My effectiveness of time management [5]

- I participated in the individual part of the competition which lasted for two and a half hours. Each question required problem solving skills under time pressure. I looked over the questions and decided to solve the easy ones first so that I could solve the harder ones with time to spare for double checking my solutions.Through proper time management, I was able to answer eighty percent of the questions before time ran out on me.

Double check the word count, I believe you are within the limits now :-)

Undergraduate / Unbalanced - I always take a closer consideration to things now. Common app prompt 1 [7]

This is a very good revision. Your opening statement needs some work though. Let me show you a template that you can use for better writing that part so that it will be more relevant to the prompt and connect with the rest of your essay.

- I grew up with very little friends and only family members to surround me. I guess that was because I was always an overweight child who had a tendency to be bullied by the mean kids at school. I used to think that my life could not get any worse. That is until I met Beth, a schoolmate to suffered from Vitiligo, a form of skin depigmentation illness. When I first met her in the lunchroom after she had spilled her drink down my back, I remember thinking that she was very friendly and beautiful. I saw far beyond her physical defects because she was kind to me and carried a vibrant, happy, and confident personality about her that I wished I could emulate. That was when I realized that beauty and a kind heart are more than skin deep and physical manifestations.

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]


- This is a statement that does not really tell the admissions officer too much about what you expect to be learning in class or what you have to offer in terms of your participation as a student. Remember, you are supposed to prove that your academic and extra curricular qualifications make you a good candidate as a FIT student. Perhaps you should omit this sentence instead? If you don't want to omit it, then develop it further to better suit the prompt.

Aside from my comment about that particular sentence, the overall essay has vastly improved and allows the reader to have a better idea of who you are and why you want to attend FIT. I believe that the essay works better now, with one remaining edit. It is almost ready for use at this point.

Writing Feedback / Democracy does flourish best in societies with high socio-economic development. Aristotle [2]

Reza, your SOP is highly academic in nature and not technical. A proper SOP requires you to present your technical rather than academic expertise and understanding of your profession. Your essay chooses to discuss your academic qualifications rather than your professional qualifications for a PhD. Remember that when you apply for a PhD, you are expected to have not only completed your collegiate and masters level of studies, but also have the years of work experience to back up your claims for the need for one of the highest form of masters programs. Your essay should therefore concentrate on your current career requirements and how this PhD completion is an essential aspect of your future employment. Discuss your project goals and ambitions and how it relates to your future career plans. You talk too much in general about Economics and the world. Tighten your net a bit and discuss only the economic aspects that you can truly have an impact upon, that is usually your home country. There is no need to discuss how you believe that the university will be able to help you achieve those goals. This is not a personal statement, it is a statement of purpose. Instead, prove that you have both the academic and professional qualifications to complete your PhD within the time frame allotted for it. Closing by explaining how your project / dissertation / thesis project is expected to change economic policies locally and eventually, internationally.

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]

On the contrary, I feel that it works very well because you quoted one of the greatest scientific minds of our time and then presented a counter argument to his. It is an act that shows the potential for great analytical thinking and the ability to perceive things in our world that only scientific minds can see. This also shows the kind of influence that Stephen Hawking had on your scientific method of thinking. I feel good about the way you wrote that new introduction. I really wish you would consider using it. Would you care to try another version before you decide upon how you really want to approach the introduction?

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]

The choice is yours. If this is a factual statement made by a real life physicist then by all means, quote him as the source. If you just made it up. Then say that this statement is something that you believe in. Tell you what, try writing the introductory paragraph in 2 versions. Use the name of the physicist in one and in the other, use your own sentiment for the statement. Compare the 2 and go with the statement that you feel is stronger and will draw more attention to what you have to say in the essay. This is all about editing the essay to suit your vision, the statement that you want to deliver in this paper. The stronger and more credible you can make it, the better for your application.

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]


- For all the admissions officer knows you could have made up this information. Unless you can specifically name who said what, don't use paraphrased or direct quotes. It would be better if you just attributed something to common knowledge than to an unknown person.

Your paper has definitely improved with this edit. I feel that it is already the best that it can be. Do you want us to work on fixing the possible grammar and sentence structure problems that you essay contains at this point? We can already work on polishing this into its final form if you are comfortable with the current content and theme of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / I learned the sport all by myself - Skating - Extracurricular Activities essay [13]

There are two ways that we can approach this essay. One way, is to spin the activity into something positive by saying that you had no coach to teach you the rudiments of ice skating. Don't call it figure skating because your only aim here is to skate on the ice without falling on your tush :-) Explain that you are extremely proud of the way you learned how to do this activity because you were self taught. Although the professionals and your friends who had proper coaching laugh at you when they see your obviously self learned skating style, you hold your head high just the same because you consider what you did to be a personal accomplishment. This is the essence of the first part of your essay, the negative part is this portion:


Try to reword that instead into something positive about learning something new about yourself through this activity. Something like you learned that discovery is the best way to learn things and experience truly teaches you things that you would not have learned if you had formal coaching. The other way to approach the essay would be to try another activity instead.

Essays / Up until that point, I thought I had lived it all. - Background Story [2]

Mubasil, when we talk of a central identity story, it has to be an event or life changing occurrence that happened to you directly. Why does it have to happen to you directly? The main reason is that you are supposed to show the way that a certain event has influenced your point of view, attitude, or perception about certain topics that relate directly to the person you are or who you became. That is something that has not come across clearly in this essay because this is an event that concentrates more on the events that happened to your brother and the family reaction to the events. Talking about the country you come from and the problems that plague it would have been more effective if you had tried to relate it somehow to the person you have become. That story, the central story important to your development as a person, is what the narrative lacks.

The essay also suffers from too much wordiness. It is important to tell your story directly, without beating around the bush too much. Get your main theme or central story up there in the first paragraph. Give the reader an immediate idea of what you expect in your succeeding paragraphs. The central identity story is not the time to use creative writing rules in your essay. The more creative and flowery your words are, the greater the chance that you will lose the admissions officer's attention. Specially when the response you are giving tended to deviate greatly from the prompt.

Try to revise the essay in such a way that you present the same story, but concentrating almost solely on its effects on your and how it has helped you become a better person in life, or helped you to develop a different perspective about certain things which are central to your development as a person and thus, central to your story as a person.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Modern children's game [4]

Tam, while your position on the issue is quite good. However, I believe that you have failed to consider all aspects in relation to the prompt presented. Don't forget that both modes of game play have their good and bad sides. Positive and negative influences also exist between the two and such need to be discussed in a balanced manner. While modern game play engages the senses but limits the human interaction, the traditional game play pushes for success and competition too much between children, thus removing the spirit of fun and camaraderie from the game being played. You need to consider more serious aspects of the discussion for this essay because you are trying to get the reader to either agree or disagree with your personal opinion on the matter.

Research Papers / Police Officers Setting Themselves Up For Failure [2]

Phil. your essay is based upon a weak assumption. The thesis is shallow and unclear. "What if the challenge is themselves?" leaves a host of possible discussions open. It is too broad. You need to narrow down you discussion to a specific topic such as "Police are setting themselves up for a fall because they decide to arbitrarily apply the law." would be a better thesis that could still delve into the reasons as to why police officers end up setting themselves up for failure. You have a well written essay, the research you put into it is quite evident. You just need to fix the thesis statement in order to clear the topic and direction of your discussion.

Graduate / The following is a memorandum from the business manager of a television station. [2]

Naveed, this essay must be discussed from the point of view that the memorandum is flawed based on a number of concerns. One of the major concerns regarding the claims of this memo is that it lacks evidence to back it up. Claims regarding a reduction in advertising and complaints from the viewers or listeners need to be backed up with year to year figures in order to portray a trend or mode of comparison to help strengthen the claims made by the manager of the television or radio station. You have also presented a weak review of the memorandum because you failed to catch that problem with the reports in the memorandum. Try to revise your essay to include a commentary about the lack of evidence presented and how the report cannot be taken seriously unless the supporting evidence, which comes from valid sources, backs up the claims.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY: RELATED TO COMPUTERS vs EDUCATION [4]

You present a number of reasons to advocate for online learning but neglect to discuss the position that advocates face to face or classroom learning. Without the discussion of both point of views, your essay becomes weak and one sided. A balanced essay always requires both sides of the issue be discussed prior to the presentation of your own opinion. The lack of opposition in the essay weakened your discussion. You also do not present a clear idea of what your opinion on the matter is which further creates a non compliant essay in terms of responding to the required prompt. You will have to revise this essay to reflect its short comings if you want to have a stronger essay presentation.

Speeches / Presentation about genetically modified foods - GM crops contain B.t toxins / Monsanto facts [2]

Raimov, I think you need to rearrange your speech. Since you are talking about Monsanto as an evil in the GMO realm, you need to bring up the discussion about their company. Introduce them at the very start but do not discuss all of their evils at that point. Cut the speech in the middle and then go back to discussing the positive and negative points of GMO's and how companies like Monsanto have taken something that could have done a world of good in terms of feeding our population and instead, turned it into a health hazard that people cannot get away from. Conclude the speech by offering a message of hope for the future of the GMO industry and offer some insight into how better GMO procedures are being developed to help mankind instead of allowing it to continue becoming a threat.

Undergraduate / Future Jumbo / "Let your life speak" / What makes you happy? - Tufts Supplement Essays [2]

Leiya, you need to properly answer the first prompt.It seems that you misunderstood the question and thus did not present an accurate response to the question. I will try to explain the prompt expectation regarding your response below:


- Respond to this prompt by discussing the academic requirements of Tufts that you look forward to participating in. Discuss the student community and how you hope to participate in their notable activities. Finally, offer an idea of what core value of Tuft you identify with and how you might be able to help further improve the learning and extra curricular experience while you are a student there.

Undergraduate / UWC Admission Essays - My First Drafts. [2]

Tanya, this is quite a revealing essay that explains how your various environments have helped you become the person you are today. It would have been nice to have read more about how your family, your parents in particular, influenced the development of your point of view about life and other events that are relevant to your development as a person. I also would like to advise you to remove any reference to UWC in the latter part of your essay because it is not necessary in this essay. The essay is asking you to discuss the development of your personality and UWC is not related to that prompt in any way. Instead, write a conclusion that will combine the two influences that you discuss in the paper and explain how its combination within you created a strong personality and given you a clear idea of who could be in the future.

Graduate / SOP_ FOR MS in US for mechanical engineering [2]

Babandee, Both your essays are quite informative but do not follow the required information that should be contained in a statement of purpose. In order to write an effective SOP just present your responses the 4 important aspects of an SOP. These questions that you have to answer are:

1. What is your current experience in the field of interest you are applying to?
2. How will an advanced degree in this field help you professionally?
3. What current seminars or trainings have you undergone that will show the logical next step for your profession? You can briefly mention your college studies in this part.

4. What are your future plans and how will completing this degree help you achieve those goals?

These are the questions that directly relate and reveal the purpose for your advanced studies. Just answer these questions and you will have a well written and well developed statement of purpose that you can use for any master university application you wish to submit it to.

Graduate / Masters of Economics with Thesis Option - Statement of Intent [2]

Your statement of intent should only present your current credentials which are relevant to the advanced studies that you are applying for admission to. There is no need to discuss the basis of the development of your love for economics because you are already expected to have worked a number of years (at least 2 years) where the necessity for higher studies in relation to your profession became evident. Revise the essay to present your current work capacity, seminars, and trainings attended, with only a summary of your college degree and experiences. Your concentration in this paper should be on developing your image as a capable student whose thesis is bound to change the way the work is done in your profession. Try to cut the essay/letter down to a length that is more readable and interesting to the reviewer. Go directly to the points of interest that are required by the prompt in order to immediately answer the prompt and allow the reviewer to decide if thesis option is something that will be of interest to the university. Those two points should be presented in the first paragraph of the essay if possible.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Ability to read and write - today, those basic skills make society more comfort for living. [4]

In the second paragraph where you discuss the tyrannical governments, you need to add more supporting evidence in order to make it effective and believable. Try to present the way that social media (twitter, facebook, etc.) all of which require the ability to read and write have helped to bring freedom to people and topple unfair or unpopular governments.

Your conclusion also needs work. What you presented as a conclusion was actually a new paragraph with new ideas presented. As you know, the conclusion cannot contain new ideas, only a summary of the prompt, the summary of facts, and a reiteration of the point of view reflected in the essay. You will need to fix the conclusion in order to create a more effective ending for your essay.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Should land be developed or left in natural condition? [3]

Definitely an improved mode of writing Mariana. Your writing shows a clear understanding of the prompt and you have managed to present specific reasons and supporting arguments for the perceived stance of your country. Perceived stance because there is no clear statement detailing that the facts you are presenting are from authoritative figures from the government of your country who believe in this sentiment. Your essay would have been greatly improved by the use of actual government point of views instead of what seems to be only a seriously worded personal point of view. The essay is effective in any case. Though there are still grammatical errors that need to be addressed, the essay works in the overall context of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Television: a Microcosm of the Political Culture and Economy of China - Pomona College essay [2]

You have presented quite an interesting topic for the study. The fact that very little is known about Chinese television and the policies surrounding it ensures that it will be a popular seminar or class among the communications students. While learning about the historical and contemporary aspect of the topic will allow the students to gain a different kind of perspective about the subject, I feel that the seminar / class would benefit from the addition of one discussion at the end, the future of Chinese television. Armed with their new knowledge about how the Chinese television industry works, wouldn't it be nice to discuss how the participants view the future of Chinese programming or raise questions about how irrelevant some of the policies have become and need to be updated in order to allow a new era of controlled television viewing for the Chinese people? I think that would be a very nice way to close out the essay that you wrote :-)

Undergraduate / I learned the sport all by myself - Skating - Extracurricular Activities essay [13]

This elaboration of an extra curricular activity is alright but does not show anything about the personality or usable skill that you developed during this time. The prompt is asking you to share a skill with them that taught you something about life or improved you as a person. There is nothing of that sort in the essay. Instead, you come across as self-centered and unable to take advice from other people. Which is a character that is not ideal in a future student. You need to share an activity that share a sense of you as a collaborative person, a team player, a person who knows how to take constructive criticism and use it to her benefit. Either change the activity to one that shows off one or all of those traits or talk about a volunteer activity you engage in instead.

Letters / College Portfolio letter about why I chose the essays I did for my portfolio [2]

Alicia, you need to edit the cover letter for redundancies. You mention taboo words and sentence structure problems one too many times. Once you have already discussed a topic, there is no need to further discuss it later on. You can also improve the letter by closing it in such a way that reveals what you think of your writing abilities now. In your opinion, did your writing improve over the semester using these methods of learning? If you did, how did you notice that you were improving? Grade yourself personally on a scale of 1-10, what would that grade be? Most importantly, discuss how you hope to continue further improving your writing skills now that you have already finished this composition course.

Scholarship / Education, a tool for altering change. [5]

There are numerous grammatical errors in your essay at the moment because you changed the wordings that I had presented in the template. However, those errors can be overlooked because the essay gained your voice in the process. This essay already reflects the person you are and what is important to you. Go ahead and use it, errors and all, because those errors show your need and desire to attain a higher education. These are the reasons that you wish to enroll in college, you want to improve who you are and work on improving the plight of other uneducated Africans. Good luck with your application :-)

Undergraduate / The life of an immigrant that came to the US, but was terrified [9]

After you mention that your parents left you with your aunt, do a time jump and go directly to the moment when you finally went to join them in the United States. Mention what the state of your family was like when you first arrived and how you felt about it. Discuss how you found it difficult to adjust to the living situation, academic standards, social setting. Narrate your story to show how you had to struggle with all of these things before you became adjusted and learned to become a new person in order to survive in this new world. Explain how you needed to get to know your family again because of all the time you spent away from them and how you had to adjust to your family members because of the time you spent away from them. Perhaps you saw them as strangers at first? Explain how it all happened for you. If you want to be able to properly write this essay prompt, do not reuse any information from your previous response. Write a totally new response centering upon the suggestions I made instead.

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

That is a topic that is not normally touched upon in this type of common app essay. I have to say that it is a very interesting subject matter and, if you write it properly, it will make a very good center for your essay response. Go ahead and write a new draft using this new topic. Don't forget that you have to use the same thread when you post it here because it still relates to the same essay prompt. If you post a new thread, it might be merged by the admin because of the same essay prompt that has to be answered. I am really looking forward to your next version of the essay. Good luck! :-)