Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Topic : Competition among friends can destroy a friendship. [4]

Kim, an overview of the discussion that you were about to give would have been in order. Your opinion on the matter is a necessary part of the introduction since the first paragraph must contain the restated prompt, overview of the discussion, and a quick reference to the stance that you are personally taking in the discussion. Mariana is right though, you need to close the paragraph by saying that further explanations are to follow in the essay.

While I agree with all of the points that you presented to support that competition does not destroy a friendship, I believe that this essay is asking you to present an opinion based upon 2 sides. Remember, there are real life friendships that were destroyed by competition. There have been instances when business competition, or personal competition have caused burned bridges among friends, parting them in ways that could never be repaired and sometimes causing generational family feuds as well.

In my opinion, I believe that your essay would have been more balanced and convincing if you had presented an opposing discussion. By doing so, you could have argued the reasons of the opposition in such a manner that would have produced a winning argument for your opinion towards the end of the paper.

Writing Feedback / "Success in not final, failure is not fatal; it is the will to continue that counts" [3]

Masroor, while you present some very iconic names as examples of people who were educated by failure, you neglected to present the most effective example of a person who has failed, learned from his mistakes, and then became a better person after the real life education he received, you. You have a host of life experiences in failure and learning to draw upon. No matter how simple the mistake you made, you learned a lesson from it. Your voice, your experience, will actually boost this essay to become even better than it is at the moment. Remember, the essay prompt also asks you to draw upon your personal experience for justification of your position on the discussion topic. By presenting your personal experience regarding the matter, the essay will become even stronger and more convincing.

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]


This is an excellent explanation that should definitely finds its way into you essay. This is the kind of intimate contact that should be represented when you present the following paragraph;


as an independent paragraph depicting your interest and how FIT is the perfect school for a person of your diverse interests :-) Shall we give it another try?

Undergraduate / 'disconnected world dominated by technology' - freshman application personal statements 1 of 2 [3]

Seth, this is a very well developed essay. The discussion you present is quite timely given the fact that social media has taken over our daily lives and has become the preferred mode of interaction. I would have liked to see you develop a particular aspect though. Are you concerned about the death of formal interaction or the demise of story telling? Please be very clear and point out which of the two you are concerned with in the essay. I believe that by the second paragraph, you have made it clear that story telling is the part you consider important, but it would be best if you presented that as clear as possible at the start of the essay for clarity sake :-)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for PhD in electrical engineering, mainly applying for solid state devices [11]

Rosemary, don't break down your statement of purpose into sections with headings. That is not the proper format for a SOP presentation. Just write this essay the way you would normally write an application essay. You need to further develop your motivation for pursuing this degree. It is too simplistic and requires that you present more information about your interest in the field and how you can benefit from these higher studies. Do not close the essay with a plea to the university for admission. That is not part of a purpose essay and may have an adverse effect on your application. Like I said before, just write this as a normal application essay. Develop further reasons that will highlight the fact that only the professors and courses offered at this university will be able to fill your academic needs. It is too short and does not really speak much about how attending their university will help you with your advanced studies. Try to develop the essay as best as you can then let me know if you have a word count so that when we reach the final version, I can help you bring it down to the proper word count :-)

Undergraduate / I learned the sport all by myself - Skating - Extracurricular Activities essay [13]

I actually like both essays. Each essay presents a different aspect of your personality that makes for an interesting read. It is actually difficult for me to advice you regarding which version to use as both apply very well to the prompt requirements. The best thing to do in this case is allow you to make the choice regarding which essay to use. One essay shows your resiliency and ability to learn and work unsupervised. Sure your way of doing things may not follow the rules and can be considered unorthodox by some, but the important thing is that you get the job done. In the second one, you showed a sense of responsibility and dedication to your job above your sense of preserving personal relationships. Both are good character traits in a person and either can be beneficial to your application packet. Choose the one that you feel best works for you and use it :-)

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]

You speak of science in your essay, so mentioning God given intelligence is a contradiction in terms. Remember, there is a great debate between the belief in a god and the belief in science, the two can never and will never mix because the two beliefs are based upon differing principles. In my opinion, your Stephen Hawking reference introduction works best with this essay. However, if you wish to go with this second opening,then that is your prerogative. Choose one introduction you are comfortable with and then use it with the essay. I can't choose the introduction for you. You need to make that choice for yourself :-) I can only advice you about content and offer you options regarding choices that you have to make for the betterment of your essay.

Undergraduate / One particular incident changed me from being self-centered to being sensitive to others. [10]

Rhea, here is the thing with your central identity essay, it is trying to deal with 2 highly different subject matters in a merged manner. Terrorism and charity work do not really function together in this case. Mainly because you continue to spend too much time discussing what you watched on television as opposed to how the terrorist attack affected you as a person. Then in the latter part, you discuss working for a charity that deals with abused children. My opinion, is that you should stop trying to discuss terrorism and its effects on you and instead concentrate on the charity work because it relates more to the development of your central identity. Sometimes, when an essay tries to talk of 2 separate topics, a disconnection in the final written product occurs. That is what is happening in your case. So you need to choose one identity and then develop that theme for this essay.

Undergraduate / Egotism - My failure; I've accepted that I'm not the best, and I'm perfectly fine with that. [2]

Aditya, the essay you wrote is good in a narrative sense but has room for improvement in terms of discussing the requirements of the essay prompt. You need to shorten the essay to discuss the most pivotal moment in your life that helped you realize that your ego was getting in the way of your success. You already presented a very effective introduction to your being egotistical at the start. You just need to focus the essay on a particular event and develop that well in order to fully develop and discuss the prompt requirement. You just need to focus on one time or incident, one failure caused by your ego and how you changed after you realized that if you had not let you ego get in the way, you would have been successful at what you were trying to accomplish. You don't need to discuss multiple scenarios that only give us a peek into how your ego works but does not really reflect any lessons that you learned (if any) from that failure. That is what is lacking in your essay, the sense of a lesson learned from a failure caused by your ego. Try to develop one of your many experiences along those lines and your response should align with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Pick your favorite artist or designer. Write about a day that you would spend with her/him... [5]

Rhea, this is the perfect response to the essay prompt. I congratulate you on developing such an interesting day to spend with Ulf Moritz. The interaction you had with him seems to be based on fact and not assumptions. I assume you are very familiar with his work and interviews? It sometimes sounds like you are quoting sound bytes from him which is why I am asking. Don't worry, that did not affect the impact of the essay. I noticed that you posted a word count. Did you go over the count? If so, what is the count and would you like me to help you bring it down to the required count?

Undergraduate / What I achieved by trying to approach my dream - essay about passion [2]

Your essay is a bit confusing to read. When you talk about passing exams to 2 universities, are you talking about your graphic arts studies or regular university? Please clarify those points for the readers and make sure that you are easily understood by the reader. I believe that you should revise the essay to instead focus on how difficult it was for you to achieve your desire to study graphic arts instead of confusing it with your almost failure to attend regular university. When you speak of a passion, you should strengthen that desire in the written word. Mention your parent's opposition to it and how you were pursuing it without their knowledge. You need to prove your passion for the arts and show that you will pursue it with or without the support of your family members. If you refocus your essay in the revision, you will find that your essay will reduce in word count and quite possibly fall within the word limit in the process.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for PhD in electrical engineering, mainly applying for solid state devices [11]

When you write a statement of purpose, you need to be direct to the point and always elaborate on the portions that you believe will best help enhance your application. While I saw that you spoke of certain questions in your essay, it was quite veiled and had to be looked for by the reader. These reviewers always appreciate papers that present the information they need to find in a straightforward manner because they only have minutes to spare in reading each essay that comes across their desk. Try to revise the paper by using the 4 questions I provided and with regards to your project proposal, present that halfway through the paper. That is always interesting for the reviewer to read. Specially if you can show how the university can be of assistance to you in completing that project. It will after all, bring prestige to their university should your project turn out to be an industry changing project.

Undergraduate / Provide details of circumstances or qualifications not reflected in the application - Common app [2]

Fenna, this is a very good and effective personal background essay. Let me help you correct the grammatical errors though. Nothing serious. You have a very good grasp of the English language and use it very well :-)


- ... I could not help but loathe my own mother.


- When I was fifteen... an acquaintance who was one...
- You need to develop the background of this paragraph how and why did social services get involved in your case? We need to find out why you had to be removed from your family setting. It is integral to your story.


- Combine these into one continuous paragraph. These are all related discussions. Who is Josine?
- ... had already moved out of the family home.


- How is this relevant to your story? What is your current job at Climate Analytics? Why will you travel to Sri Lanka on your own?

There are just a few holes in your essay that need to be filled in so that it can be made even better and stronger.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for PhD in electrical engineering, mainly applying for solid state devices [11]

Rosemary, don't worry so much about the effect of your masters grades on your PhD application. The reason I can say this is because You are no longer in college, applying for transfer to a different major or acceptance into a college department. Most of the concentration in your SOP will be upon your professional experience, seminars attended, and on the job training that is relevant to your chosen PhD field of study. I read your SOP and found that you have the proper qualifications for an effective statement of purpose. You just need to present it in the proper manner in order for it to become more effective as a part of your application. Try to answer the following questions in your SOP, consider it a prompt guide for your reference.

1. What is your current profession, how long have you held the position?
2. What are your goals in setting your sights on completing a PhD degree? Do you have any possible project proposal or thesis proposal that would prove to be beneficial to your field of work in the future?

3. How will the university you are applying to be able to help you achieve your goals? Name the professors, areas of study, and other relevant information relating to your goals and the course curriculum you wish to take in reference to this.

4. Mention anything else related to your work experience such as your seminars attended and on the job training or perhaps future internships you look forward to attending as additional information in your statement.

These are the normally expected questions and answers in a statement of purpose so you should be able to provide a well developed and written statement essay. Just stick to answering the basic questions and present other information in the other application essays you are expected to write.

Writing Feedback / Ebola prevention research paper [2]

Savannah, your paper would be better if you provided a clear thesis statement in the introductory paragraph. That would have established the clear method by which the paper would present its research and other factual information. While you did present accurately researched information within your research, you have not been able to establish the clear process that you want to present in the paper. You have the title as Ebola Prevention Research but all you have done so far is submit already known information about the fight against Ebola. What you have to do is think outside the box. Present your personal point of view of what can be done in order to help prevent the spread of the illness bases upon the already existing research and infection prevention protocols. When you say you want to prevent the spread of Ebola, how do you envision doing that? Use quotes and supporting facts from current sources to give weight to your assumptions and the possibility that your ideas just might work.

Undergraduate / When I was a year old, my family was selected for the Diversity Immigrant Visa program in Sudan [4]

You can write this essay either way Abdeel. Both are acceptable narratives based upon the requirements of the essay prompt. I believe that it would be best for you to concentrate on a single event in your life that you feel helped to define who you are as a person rather than trying to cover various aspects of your life in relation to your central identity development. It is always easier to develop one story and trait rather than trying to fit in all aspects of your identity in one essay. Write up a new essay based on a single identity development story and compare it to the way this particular essay functions. You should see the difference and be able to decide upon which version you will feel comfortable using. Don't be afraid to keep revising. I have known people on this forum who wrote around 20 versions of their central identity essay before he finally got the version he felt very comfortable using :-)

Writing Feedback / [essays] is it appropriate for magazine or newspaper to give private information about people? [2]

There is a side to the argument that you have failed to present as a counter argument to your stand that newspapers and magazines should not share private information about people. Celebrities such as actors and people who were born into the spotlight (such as Prince William) and those who married into it (Duchess Kate and Princess Diana) become public property because of their chosen profession or status in life. Therefore, everything they do is of interest to people. People themselves like to be voyeurs into the private lives of these people and pay the magazines and newspapers to do just that. Those who purchase paparazzi magazines and tabloid journals feed this kind of business. Therefore, the reasoning that it is wrong for these yellow journalists to be selling the information about these people becomes flawed. There are people interested in this information so there will be people willing to sell access to that data. With 300 words for this essay, you could have balanced the discussion more by weighing both sides of the issue and then coming to your own conclusion about the thesis statement.

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]

Tecjoon, the first thing you have to do in this essay is lose the word Grok. Why? If the word requires you to explain its meaning to a very busy admissions officer reviewing your application then you have already failed to gain his attention and he is sure to set aside this application essay. Do not use confusing or uncommon words in your essay. Try to revise the first paragraph again in order to create a stronger hook that will allow you to fully utilize the rest of the essay that you have written. You are not trying to write the next Star Trek novel so drop all references to Grok. Don't try to be flashy. You are trying to get into college so stop with the smart aleck attitude and just be a straightforward student doing his best in his essay to get considered for admission. Don't try to seem more intelligent than you actually are by using big words. I am not saying you are not intelligent. I am saying that not everyone will be familiar with the word and its meaning so it will definitely hurt your application. Just keep it simple and say what you want to say in a way that you know everyone will understand while reading your application.

Letters / I enjoy my job and I am benefited from taking part in project [4]

Gavin, the essay you have written is quite informative. It presents complete information about your background as a student and as a professional. Although you are to be admired for such attention to detail, a motivation letter need not be overly informative nor long winded. There are actually some basic guidelines, similar to that of writing a statement of purpose that you can and should consider while you revise your letter. Just provide the necessary information for the reviewer to consider regarding your application. These are information such as:

1. Do you have any particular career objective that can be fulfilled by this higher level of academic proficiency? I assume you are applying for PhD studies? What course are you planning to pursue?

2. How does your choice of school help you achieve your career goals?
3. What can you tell them about your current and previous professional accomplishments that can relate to your plans for higher study? Do you have a purpose such as developing a specific program or piece of equipment that can help push your profession forward in the 21st century?

4. Explain what shortcomings you feel you have at the moment and how you view these studies as a step towards fixing your perceived inabilities.

A word of caution, just because this is called a motivation letter does not mean that it has to be written in the same letter format as a formal letter. This is still considered an academic essay and as such, does not require formal letter language. It does not need to start with "Dear" nor end with "Sincerely". Just write it the way you would write a normal application essay :-)

Remember, you are now a professional in a responsible career. There is no need to rehash your college studies or your masters studies in the essay. At the PhD level, the requirements all relate to your professional abilities already. What you learned on the job in a hands on environment is more important and revealing than the theoretical knowledge you gained in college and the masters level. Look even further forward into your career at this point. Show them that you want to leave your mark in this field by doing something remarkable and ask them to assist you in achieving that goal.

Writing Feedback / Tall and loving it - I reached the height of six-foot-two when I was done growing [3]

Caitlyn, the response that you wrote does not exactly fall within the qualifications of the prompt. Instead of writing about how being tall is something that you hated, why not spin it into something more positive? Rather than the shallow discussion that you present at the moment regarding your love for fashion and how your height was a hindrance, why not discuss how your height has worked to your advantage in certain instances? For example, maybe there was an activity that you could participate in that the shorter girls could not because they did not have the height for it. Or maybe it has helped you positively in some extra curricular activities or volunteer work? Remember, the essay is asking you to present your unique ability in a positive light. At the moment, your essay is just complaining about your height being a hindrance even though in the end you seem to have found a reason to not view it as a hindrance. I beg your pardon but this has to be said, the essay you wrote is too shallow and does not really help your application in any way. You need to change the theme of your essay from one of complaining to one of acceptance and seeing the bright side of being extremely tall for a girl :-)

Undergraduate / "Duality". The 'Why Columbia?' Supplement Essay Tips? [13]


- I am not sure what you mean by this. I think you mean Grok is a book character? You need to clarify where this word comes from and why it is very special to you. Just telling us that it is the martian word for water does not explain its relevance to you or your application.


- Don't end the paragraph with uncertainty. Always be confident in your essays. You are ready to drink. Tell them that you are ready to drink from the brook that is Columbia or something like that. Don't ask for permission. Tell the reader what you want to do.

Overall an excellent revision. It has vastly improved over the first draft and just needs a few more tweaks and fine tuning before it can be used. It is getting there fast :-)

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]

- Ivanka, have you given any thought as to how FIT can help you further develop your skills and help you achieve your potential in your major? It is best to explain how FIT fits into your idea of education in this field. I find that FIT is always looking for a parallel in the student, their chosen major, and the subjects offered at FIT. Perhaps you can still develop this part of the essay to reflect your abilities as a potential FIT student based upon the course syllabus of your major? Mentioning some classes that you look forward to attending based upon your self taught experience should be more than effective in portraying your qualities as a future FIT student.

- In this portion, highlight how FIT is the perfect school for you. Mention the school by name and tell the admissions officer about some of the classes and activities at the school that you feel best highlight your interest in enrolling at FIT. Try to merge this particular statement with the paragraph I mention above. It seems like a logical step to have these two paragraphs succeeding each other because of the related content.

Undergraduate / Serving Others in Philadelphia; I become more responsible adult [3]

Emmaline, your essay was not able to properly answer the prompt because you did not properly analyze the essay requirements. The fact that you went on a mission to help others in Philadelphia is an excellent basis for this transition essay. The problem is that you did not choose one particular moment during the mission to help illustrate the transition that happened within you. You need to revise the content, but not the theme of the essay in this case. Keep your setting in Philadelphia but recall the work that you did there before you start writing your second draft. Try to choose one of the many volunteer activities that touched you in a personal level and changed your point of view about something or the treatment of a person. Develop that particular event in the essay. Discuss any bias that you had, how you felt while helping that person or people, and finally, how you were changed by the act of kindness that you did. Explain how developing that new outlook was something that you did not expect to have because it is an outlook that a teenager does not usually have in life. The event needs to have impacted you on a deep emotional level and also allowed you to grow further as a person in terms of character or outlook in life. I wish you luck with your revision. I'll be happy to assist you whenever I can :-)

Undergraduate / Discovery of my potential. Luckily my practice hits perfection, after the third term I was promoted. [12]

Adeyemi, death and the cemetery, although both related to the topic of death deal with two different perspectives. Since you are discussing death in relation to the memory of your brother, you need not delve on the cemetery aspect. Your essay lacks a clear presentation about how your perspective about death changed once you realized that your brother had died. Try to look for a deeper meaning for death in your essay. Give yourself a reason for understanding and accepting the fact that your brother had died. Finally, explain how that understanding and coming to terms with your brothers death has allowed you gain a better perspective about a topic that you once feared.

Undergraduate / My effectiveness of time management [5]

- I participated in the individual part of the competition which lasted for two and a half hours. Each question required problem solving skills under time pressure. I looked over the questions and decided to solve the easy ones first so that I could solve the harder ones with time to spare for double checking my solutions.Through proper time management, I was able to answer eighty percent of the questions before time ran out on me.

Double check the word count, I believe you are within the limits now :-)

Undergraduate / Unbalanced - I always take a closer consideration to things now. Common app prompt 1 [7]

This is a very good revision. Your opening statement needs some work though. Let me show you a template that you can use for better writing that part so that it will be more relevant to the prompt and connect with the rest of your essay.

- I grew up with very little friends and only family members to surround me. I guess that was because I was always an overweight child who had a tendency to be bullied by the mean kids at school. I used to think that my life could not get any worse. That is until I met Beth, a schoolmate to suffered from Vitiligo, a form of skin depigmentation illness. When I first met her in the lunchroom after she had spilled her drink down my back, I remember thinking that she was very friendly and beautiful. I saw far beyond her physical defects because she was kind to me and carried a vibrant, happy, and confident personality about her that I wished I could emulate. That was when I realized that beauty and a kind heart are more than skin deep and physical manifestations.

Undergraduate / I have always been eager to go out and meet the world - To inspire and be inspired - FIT essay [33]


- This is a statement that does not really tell the admissions officer too much about what you expect to be learning in class or what you have to offer in terms of your participation as a student. Remember, you are supposed to prove that your academic and extra curricular qualifications make you a good candidate as a FIT student. Perhaps you should omit this sentence instead? If you don't want to omit it, then develop it further to better suit the prompt.

Aside from my comment about that particular sentence, the overall essay has vastly improved and allows the reader to have a better idea of who you are and why you want to attend FIT. I believe that the essay works better now, with one remaining edit. It is almost ready for use at this point.

Writing Feedback / Democracy does flourish best in societies with high socio-economic development. Aristotle [2]

Reza, your SOP is highly academic in nature and not technical. A proper SOP requires you to present your technical rather than academic expertise and understanding of your profession. Your essay chooses to discuss your academic qualifications rather than your professional qualifications for a PhD. Remember that when you apply for a PhD, you are expected to have not only completed your collegiate and masters level of studies, but also have the years of work experience to back up your claims for the need for one of the highest form of masters programs. Your essay should therefore concentrate on your current career requirements and how this PhD completion is an essential aspect of your future employment. Discuss your project goals and ambitions and how it relates to your future career plans. You talk too much in general about Economics and the world. Tighten your net a bit and discuss only the economic aspects that you can truly have an impact upon, that is usually your home country. There is no need to discuss how you believe that the university will be able to help you achieve those goals. This is not a personal statement, it is a statement of purpose. Instead, prove that you have both the academic and professional qualifications to complete your PhD within the time frame allotted for it. Closing by explaining how your project / dissertation / thesis project is expected to change economic policies locally and eventually, internationally.

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]

On the contrary, I feel that it works very well because you quoted one of the greatest scientific minds of our time and then presented a counter argument to his. It is an act that shows the potential for great analytical thinking and the ability to perceive things in our world that only scientific minds can see. This also shows the kind of influence that Stephen Hawking had on your scientific method of thinking. I feel good about the way you wrote that new introduction. I really wish you would consider using it. Would you care to try another version before you decide upon how you really want to approach the introduction?

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]

The choice is yours. If this is a factual statement made by a real life physicist then by all means, quote him as the source. If you just made it up. Then say that this statement is something that you believe in. Tell you what, try writing the introductory paragraph in 2 versions. Use the name of the physicist in one and in the other, use your own sentiment for the statement. Compare the 2 and go with the statement that you feel is stronger and will draw more attention to what you have to say in the essay. This is all about editing the essay to suit your vision, the statement that you want to deliver in this paper. The stronger and more credible you can make it, the better for your application.

Undergraduate / Apart from studies, University of Pennsylvania has abundance of sources and activities to explore [19]


- For all the admissions officer knows you could have made up this information. Unless you can specifically name who said what, don't use paraphrased or direct quotes. It would be better if you just attributed something to common knowledge than to an unknown person.

Your paper has definitely improved with this edit. I feel that it is already the best that it can be. Do you want us to work on fixing the possible grammar and sentence structure problems that you essay contains at this point? We can already work on polishing this into its final form if you are comfortable with the current content and theme of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / I learned the sport all by myself - Skating - Extracurricular Activities essay [13]

There are two ways that we can approach this essay. One way, is to spin the activity into something positive by saying that you had no coach to teach you the rudiments of ice skating. Don't call it figure skating because your only aim here is to skate on the ice without falling on your tush :-) Explain that you are extremely proud of the way you learned how to do this activity because you were self taught. Although the professionals and your friends who had proper coaching laugh at you when they see your obviously self learned skating style, you hold your head high just the same because you consider what you did to be a personal accomplishment. This is the essence of the first part of your essay, the negative part is this portion:


Try to reword that instead into something positive about learning something new about yourself through this activity. Something like you learned that discovery is the best way to learn things and experience truly teaches you things that you would not have learned if you had formal coaching. The other way to approach the essay would be to try another activity instead.

Essays / Up until that point, I thought I had lived it all. - Background Story [2]

Mubasil, when we talk of a central identity story, it has to be an event or life changing occurrence that happened to you directly. Why does it have to happen to you directly? The main reason is that you are supposed to show the way that a certain event has influenced your point of view, attitude, or perception about certain topics that relate directly to the person you are or who you became. That is something that has not come across clearly in this essay because this is an event that concentrates more on the events that happened to your brother and the family reaction to the events. Talking about the country you come from and the problems that plague it would have been more effective if you had tried to relate it somehow to the person you have become. That story, the central story important to your development as a person, is what the narrative lacks.

The essay also suffers from too much wordiness. It is important to tell your story directly, without beating around the bush too much. Get your main theme or central story up there in the first paragraph. Give the reader an immediate idea of what you expect in your succeeding paragraphs. The central identity story is not the time to use creative writing rules in your essay. The more creative and flowery your words are, the greater the chance that you will lose the admissions officer's attention. Specially when the response you are giving tended to deviate greatly from the prompt.

Try to revise the essay in such a way that you present the same story, but concentrating almost solely on its effects on your and how it has helped you become a better person in life, or helped you to develop a different perspective about certain things which are central to your development as a person and thus, central to your story as a person.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Modern children's game [4]

Tam, while your position on the issue is quite good. However, I believe that you have failed to consider all aspects in relation to the prompt presented. Don't forget that both modes of game play have their good and bad sides. Positive and negative influences also exist between the two and such need to be discussed in a balanced manner. While modern game play engages the senses but limits the human interaction, the traditional game play pushes for success and competition too much between children, thus removing the spirit of fun and camaraderie from the game being played. You need to consider more serious aspects of the discussion for this essay because you are trying to get the reader to either agree or disagree with your personal opinion on the matter.

Research Papers / Police Officers Setting Themselves Up For Failure [2]

Phil. your essay is based upon a weak assumption. The thesis is shallow and unclear. "What if the challenge is themselves?" leaves a host of possible discussions open. It is too broad. You need to narrow down you discussion to a specific topic such as "Police are setting themselves up for a fall because they decide to arbitrarily apply the law." would be a better thesis that could still delve into the reasons as to why police officers end up setting themselves up for failure. You have a well written essay, the research you put into it is quite evident. You just need to fix the thesis statement in order to clear the topic and direction of your discussion.

Graduate / The following is a memorandum from the business manager of a television station. [2]

Naveed, this essay must be discussed from the point of view that the memorandum is flawed based on a number of concerns. One of the major concerns regarding the claims of this memo is that it lacks evidence to back it up. Claims regarding a reduction in advertising and complaints from the viewers or listeners need to be backed up with year to year figures in order to portray a trend or mode of comparison to help strengthen the claims made by the manager of the television or radio station. You have also presented a weak review of the memorandum because you failed to catch that problem with the reports in the memorandum. Try to revise your essay to include a commentary about the lack of evidence presented and how the report cannot be taken seriously unless the supporting evidence, which comes from valid sources, backs up the claims.

Writing Feedback / ESSAY: RELATED TO COMPUTERS vs EDUCATION [4]

You present a number of reasons to advocate for online learning but neglect to discuss the position that advocates face to face or classroom learning. Without the discussion of both point of views, your essay becomes weak and one sided. A balanced essay always requires both sides of the issue be discussed prior to the presentation of your own opinion. The lack of opposition in the essay weakened your discussion. You also do not present a clear idea of what your opinion on the matter is which further creates a non compliant essay in terms of responding to the required prompt. You will have to revise this essay to reflect its short comings if you want to have a stronger essay presentation.

Speeches / Presentation about genetically modified foods - GM crops contain B.t toxins / Monsanto facts [2]

Raimov, I think you need to rearrange your speech. Since you are talking about Monsanto as an evil in the GMO realm, you need to bring up the discussion about their company. Introduce them at the very start but do not discuss all of their evils at that point. Cut the speech in the middle and then go back to discussing the positive and negative points of GMO's and how companies like Monsanto have taken something that could have done a world of good in terms of feeding our population and instead, turned it into a health hazard that people cannot get away from. Conclude the speech by offering a message of hope for the future of the GMO industry and offer some insight into how better GMO procedures are being developed to help mankind instead of allowing it to continue becoming a threat.

Undergraduate / Future Jumbo / "Let your life speak" / What makes you happy? - Tufts Supplement Essays [2]

Leiya, you need to properly answer the first prompt.It seems that you misunderstood the question and thus did not present an accurate response to the question. I will try to explain the prompt expectation regarding your response below:


- Respond to this prompt by discussing the academic requirements of Tufts that you look forward to participating in. Discuss the student community and how you hope to participate in their notable activities. Finally, offer an idea of what core value of Tuft you identify with and how you might be able to help further improve the learning and extra curricular experience while you are a student there.

Undergraduate / UWC Admission Essays - My First Drafts. [2]

Tanya, this is quite a revealing essay that explains how your various environments have helped you become the person you are today. It would have been nice to have read more about how your family, your parents in particular, influenced the development of your point of view about life and other events that are relevant to your development as a person. I also would like to advise you to remove any reference to UWC in the latter part of your essay because it is not necessary in this essay. The essay is asking you to discuss the development of your personality and UWC is not related to that prompt in any way. Instead, write a conclusion that will combine the two influences that you discuss in the paper and explain how its combination within you created a strong personality and given you a clear idea of who could be in the future.