Undergraduate / The Function Defined as P = Math - College Essay [10]

It takes a mathematical mind to make sense of what I suggested. Hats off to you Peter. Excellent work :-) I think it will work very well with your essay. Can you do me a favor? Post the revised essay in this thread, with the latest paragraph addition so that I can read it and get a better idea of how it works with the rest of the essay content. We may need to make a few minor adjustments to make it flow smoothly and blend better. You can also make any additions you want at this point and I will review it for connection and transition in the essay. We are already in the final drafting stages so we need to work on the grammar corrections as well.

Undergraduate / I have always hated waiting and yet here I was sticked around for judges verdict. UC Essay prompt 2 [8]

You can do that at the very beginning. In the introductory paragraph when you say that you hate waiting, explain that you don't like to wait because you do not like to waste time and you want to be very productive. If there is a problem, you won't stand around waiting for a solution to present itself, you are a "go-getter" that way. You go out and get the solutions to the problems by seeking it out and fixing the problem. You go out and find out why something is taking so long to accomplish so that you can offer help to resolve the issue sooner rather than later. Don't worry about the word count for now. Make it as long as needed for now and we will fix it towards the final drafting stages. After you explain the go-getter attitude, jump directly to the dance audition to keep the audience interested. I have to get back to you about how to make it more interesting. Can I have a day or two to think about it? In the meantime, go ahead and revise the essay using the advice I gave above. I'll work closely with you on this essay.

Undergraduate / One kid is all it takes - common app [2]

This is a very interesting essay Tristan. However, you need to make the beginning clearer to the reader. Instead of the long winding introduction to the job that never got a specific name in your essay, tell the reader off the bat that the story is related to you experience as a life guard at the local swimming pool or school. Explain to us why you had to take the job and the reason why you hated it. Then jump immediately to the saving AJ part. After that, explain how that particular day taught you about being responsible for other people and how it translated into your becoming an adult. Expand upon the discussion by explaining how it changed your point of view about the job and other things. After you do that, we can work on directing it towards becoming a more definitive childhood to adult transition event.

Undergraduate / She's the one that gave me life, she is the person who helps me a lot - my mom. [8]

Salma, are you supposed to write a poem, a statement, or an essay? This work is quite short and under developed for an essay, lacking in content for a statement, and too short to be poem. I would appreciate a point in the right direction so that we can properly review the essay and give you the most applicable advice regarding how to improve it. All of your sentences can still be expanded upon to create individual paragraphs if you are writing an essay. You just need to know how to expand it and where to expand the content. Let me know how you are supposed to proceed with this paper. I'll do my best to guide you :-)

Undergraduate / I generally have the values of an introvert; School of Visual Arts (500 Words) General College Essay [4]

Devon, I need an idea about the essay prompt that you are trying to answer so that I can properly review and advice you regarding the content and format of your essay. Is there a chance you can provide that to me? It would really help out a lot. I believe that your essay will benefit from more editing because of the extent of your word count. We also need to make sure that you concentrate on the most important aspect of the essay so that your work will come across as well thought out and developed. You don't really need to discuss too many topics in one essay, you have other essay prompts that could address those interests. You should always try to have only one topic and subject for your essay to make it effective.

Undergraduate / 'I was born in Mombasa, Kenya and lived with my mother and father' - UC college entrance essay [4]

Not too short Harikrishna. You just summarized most of the important aspects of the essay into one statement. You should target writing at little over half the word requirements in order to develop your discussion properly. Mention specifically the way your mother supported the family financially and how it affected your outlook in life. Specifically, your point of view about single mothers and how they need help to take care of their single parent unit families. You don't need to mention how you traveled the world with your father. Just discuss the abusive way he treated your family and how he could not hold down a job. That will make the essay more informative using an adequate word count.

Undergraduate / I was born inside the Chinese community in Italy. Short essay for University of Washington, Prompt 2 [2]

Andrea, you need to explain the kind of mentality that your parents were trying to make you develop. What made them say that foreigners hate the Chinese people? How did you come to realize that what they told you was not the case when you started school? Develop that discussion in order to show your experience with various cultures and the positive and/or negative impact that it had upon you. Then reflect on those experience. Share what you learned with us, maybe explain how it helped you shaped your point of view about the international community that we all find ourselves interacting in more frequently these days. Then answer the all important prompt question about how those experiences you had will help you better the international community of the University of Washington.

Writing Feedback / Would you prefer Indoor or Outdoor for your leisure activities. [4]

Koray, refer to your previous essay for my instructions and advice about the IBC rules of writing. The reasons that you present in the essay are good. It just isn't properly formatted to suit a TOEFL essay. You need to make sure that you practice the essay format when doing these practice tests in order to fix the format and properly place the content of your essay.

Grammatical errors aside, the essay itself is quite informative and presents good supporting reasons as back up to your statements. By the way, the term is "extrovert" not "extravert". That is the term used to describe people with an outgoing personality as opposed to the introvert who has a reserved personality.

Writing Feedback / If you could create a new holiday, what person or event would it honor, the way of celebration [4]

Koray, the first thing yo have to learn to do in writing a TOEFL essay is to follow the IBC rules of writing. That is the Introduction, Body, and Conclusion. Doing that will require you to cut up your essay into specific paragraphs that represent each section of the essay. Your current essay is not divided properly into these sections which makes it very hard to read. I suggest that you divide it this way:

Paragraph 1 - Introduction - present the thesis statement, an overview of the discussion, and your opinion (if required).

Paragraph 2 - Body - Choose one very good reason to support the claim that you made in your introduction.

Paragraph 3 - Body - Present your point of view and the reasons you believe you are correct (if required).

Paragraph 4 - Conclusion - Close the essay by presenting your restated prompt, summary of the facts, and an emphasis on your point of view.

Note: All paragraphs should be at least 3 sentences long in order to qualify as a properly written, but necessarily developed paragraph. A well developed paragraph has more than 5 sentences in it.

Undergraduate / 'it is a joy to be in school' - CU- Boulder Background Essay [9]

Can you discuss more about the theater and why you feel it has become central to the development of your identity? You are actually on the right track. It is just that the essay can use more development. The one paragraph that stood out for me at the moment is the one about the theater. Develop that within a paragraph or two and then try to develop the rest of the essay to help support the statements you made about the theater being central to your development. Why did you say that? Can you give examples of how it helped you develop as a person? Let's see what kind of information we can share there that will help answer the prompt without giving away too much about you :)

Undergraduate / What seemed like a curse at first, it was truly a blessing in disguise; personal statement for UW [4]

Try to review the essay for content and redundancies. Find out which portions seem to have repeated information and delete those. Then look into the paragraphs that can be combined into one since they deal with related or similar topics. Summarize the content of the two paragraphs to create a new, shorter, but more complete paragraph. The key to bringing down your word count is reviewing the paper numerous times and trying to decide for yourself where you can cut corners, so to speak. Don't forget that a wordy essay does not meant it will be read till the end. It just means you met a word count but most of the time, more things can be said using lesser words. Try to see if you can accomplish that on your own or if you need help to do it :-)

Undergraduate / Hi my paper is on Ebola and this is an English class. This is mla format [4]

Fahad, don't try to upload your paper as a file. That won't work. You need to cut and paste the whole file onto this thread as a posting. Make sure that you include the reference page and the original instructions of your professor for our reference. Point out any particular portions that concern you and/or other things that you want us to look out for when reviewing your essay. Don't forget, our reviews are only as good as the instructions we are given so we need to make sure that you direct us properly in reviewing the paper. Remember, we need the complete instructions along with the paper that you wrote :-)

Undergraduate / I can contribute to the diverse culture of the University more than other typical Korean-Americans [3]

Joy, your essay is good but it can be made even better. Try to discuss more about the cultural differences that you have with your roommates and how 10 different personalities and varying cultures makes for a great living environment. Explain to us what you have learned about these various cultures and how their influence has helped you become a better version of your previous self. I really think that it will not only help enhance the content of the paper, but it will also prove to be an interesting and informative read for the admissions officer who is eager to get to know you through this essay prompt.

Undergraduate / 'it is a joy to be in school' - CU- Boulder Background Essay [9]

Get as personal as you can get Aaron. That means, open yourself up to the analysis and scrutiny of the admissions officer who is a complete stranger to you. However, you don't need to be too personal or open in the essay. If you feel uncomfortable discussing some specifics, gloss over it. Just mention it but don't delve any deeper into it than you feel comfortable doing so. Be open to a certain degree without placing yourself in a corner or uncomfortable position. Share what you are comfortable sharing and withhold any information that you feel uncomfortable discussing. If I review the essay and I believe it is necessary to add some information, we can discuss spinning the content so that you don't have to totally reveal information that makes you uncomfortable :-)

Undergraduate / Riding my life on smiles [2]

Cienna, I do not know how to nicely put this across but, it is my opinion that you have not answered the essay prompt at all. You have presented us with a very interesting story about an event in your life that may have helped shape the decision you made in relation to your college major choice, but that does not answer the requirements of the essay prompt. What you are expected to present here are your current activities that have helped you reach the decision that you should take this particular major in college and then discuss how you plan to expand your activities in college in order to help you achieve a higher level of success both as a student and as a person participating in these extra curricular activities. That said, you will need to revise the total essay in order to properly address the prompt. Do you have any ideas about what you want to write about? Maybe I can help you outline it :-)

Undergraduate / I have always hated waiting and yet here I was sticked around for judges verdict. UC Essay prompt 2 [8]

Although a bit shallow in presentation and premise, the essay works well in answering the prompt. You managed to clearly discuss the requirements and place a positive spin on what is otherwise a negative character trait. Excellent work doing that. However, I believe that you can put a better name to the trait than "being impatient", I would rather that you use the term, "go getter" to describe your attitude. The term connotes a person who does not wait for anything, instead he or she goes out to get answers or positive results for their actions. Having read your complete essay, it came to my attention that this was the character trait that you had mistakenly described as being impatient :-)

Undergraduate / I grew up in heaven that nurtured me into an aspiring young man who is eager to pursue his dreams [2]

Logan, in my opinion, you should make the following paragraph your opening paragraph:


That paragraph immediately draws the reader into your world and interests us into learning more about you and the world you come from. Try to limit the dialogue of your parents in the essay because this is supposed to be direct to the point. The admissions officer is not looking for a creative writing piece here, he or she is looking for a paper that answers the prompt directly in order to give them a better idea of who you are. This is a preliminary interview after all.

Pick up the essay immediately after the changed hook at this point:

Develop a new closing statement for the essay. I feel that the essay became more interesting to read in this way. I hope you agree with me :-)

Undergraduate / Surviving limited resources in Madiun [2]

This is an excellent essay Melati. You clearly describe the world you come from and the trials and tribulations that you had to overcome in order to continue furthering your education. I would advice you to modify your latter paragraph though. The one that is closer to the ending of your essay because you could have presented a better discussion in that part. Explain how these obstacles inspired to you reach for better dreams for yourself. Do not involve your siblings in this discussion. Just stick to talking about yourself and your dreams and aspirations. You sound defeatist at the end of your essay. Don't end the essay on such a negative note. Always be positive. Remember, you need to inspire confidence in the reader, not weakness. The current ending is definitely a point against your application.

Undergraduate / 'it is a joy to be in school' - CU- Boulder Background Essay [9]

Aaron, you are approaching the essay from the wrong angle. When you are asked to discuss a central identity essay, the admissions officer is giving you an opportunity to present a side of your personality that was not covered in the other common app essays. In this case, he or she wants to get to know who you are beyond the classroom. Who do you think you are and how do you understand yourself to be? That is the theme of the central identity essay. Think of a very important event in your life that helped you realize something that makes you unique or opened your eyes to the understanding of something relating to who you are. One of those themes will work best for these types of essays.

Your current essay does not work because it does not address the prompt requirements in the proper manner. You are discussing why you love to go to school instead of presenting the reasons why going to school is central to the development of your identity. You can still use this essay if you want to. It will just have to be revised in order to better address the essay question.

Undergraduate / Studying history allows us to understand the growth of "humanity"... Lehigh Essay [7]

Daniel, these types of essays ask you to discuss 3 specific things:

1. Why you think Lehigh is the place where you will grow best academically;
2. How the university community will help your personality development and what you can offer to the community;
3. What activities the university offers both academically and socially that you look forward to participating in.

Connect your answers to those 3 questions to your wants and needs as a student and person so that you can properly answer the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / "Were pH an expression of personality, what would be your pH and why?" [3]

Whitney, don't define the word for the reader. You are talking down to the admissions officer that way and insulting his intelligence. Keep the essay simple and easy to understand. It is too wordy at the moment and is badly in need of editing. By the way, I would not use acidity as a personality example in this case because you are using a chemical known for burning through material and other negative results as a starting point for your personality. While acidity does have its positive points, those are not the first points that usually come to the mind of the reader when they hear or read the word acidic or acidity. The essay also lacks a central theme as it goes from discussing your personality to your playing video games, and even your friendships. Settle for a central theme and develop your essay from that point. The central theme should relate to your personality and the PH level you see yourself at. Don't confuse the essay contents by trying to discuss too many topics all at once in one essay.

Undergraduate / Reaching the rank of Eagle Scout - Intended Major: Business Administration. UC Prompt #1! [3]

Andrew, you don't need to play out a scene for us from your past. In fact, doing that shortened the possibility of your properly discussing how your interest in business management developed. Delete the dialogue parts and discuss, in great detail, the way that you climbed the Eagle Scouts rank and how you relate it to being an effective business leader. Remember, you need to show a clear connection between your past interests and volunteer work with your intended major. That said, the following paragraph should not be included in the essay because it does not relate to the prompt:


Discuss instead the lessons you learned from your experience as an Eagle Scout and how it relates to your intended major. You already started to do that with your CEO paragraph. Just build upon that in order to better adhere to the prompt.

Undergraduate / Fascination for the human body and a career in medicine - UC Prompt 1 [3]

Genesis, the latter part of your essay works very well. It is the first part that you have to work on, It lacks that effective hook that tells us that your story is one that will be interesting. I believe that the reason the hook is missing is because you have not really developed the story about how your interest in the human body and a career in medicine transpired. You just glossed over it and went directly to college. What you have to do is go further back. I would say as far back as high school, or whenever your interest in the human body became evident. Show us the progression of your interest by presenting important moments that highlight the rising interest in the topic on your end. Once you do that, the essay should become more interesting.

Scholarship / Study Objectives - I would like to learn about polymers in an engineering context [3]

Flavia, when you write about your study objectives, it is best to concentrate on looking forward instead of looking back. If you are currently working on a project that relates to your future studies or accomplishments, explain how the course you will be studying is a logical continuation of you actions and how it relates to the end result you hope to produce in the future, based upon the conclusion of your studies and project. Remember that your study objectives should show the direct and logical progression of your learning during your time in the masters program. Edit the essay to remove any and all references to your early dreams and aspirations and discuss only the study objectives. You deviated from that discussion towards the latter part of your essay. Yes, there are grammatical errors that need to be corrected but we should put those on hold until you are able to clean up the message of your study objectives.

Undergraduate / The Function Defined as P = Math - College Essay [10]

Peter, I think I can help edit the portion that you added. Hold on while I edit it :-)

Math teaches us to follow a systematic path in order to solve a given equation. In order to achieve a solution, one needs to be systematic, efficient, and disciplined when analyzing and solving the problem. Math taught me that the best way to approach a problem is with detachment, restraint, and reason. I have found that by applying such principles in my everyday life, such as when I lose my house keys and I cannot find it, Math has become an integral part of my life. In order to find my house keys, I retrace my steps and try to find the keys. If I can't find the keys, I test various scenarios (computations) hoping to resolve the situation. I analyze my options and then decide upon the best course of action. I try the windows to find an open one (testing variables), and if that doesn't work, I end up waiting for my parents to arrive with their keys to open the door (final computation result).

I might have used the wrong math terms in the parenthesis so just correct it. You can rephrase the whole paragraph that I wrote if you want to. This is just a sample of how the paragraph can be approached. Using it in this form is your choice :)

Writing Feedback / Dream, the only harmless drug in the world - gap year explanation [14]

Gia, you don't really need to go into vivid detail as to the events that led up to your gap year. You only need to respond by telling the reader how your gap year was spent. Deleting the first paragraph altogether will fix your word count problem and also better align your response to the prompt. You also need to revise the essay because it really sounds like you are wallowing in self pity. and there is no room for that in this type of essay. You need to sound highly positive and ensure that you make the reader believe that you spent your gap year wisely and came away from it better educated and more aware of the world around you. Do not, under any circumstances, present yourself in a negative light for any reason. Don't jeopardize your chance at being viewed as a positive example. This essay is all about learning how to redirect any negative information to your advantage. Please do that.

Undergraduate / 'The hideous alarm sound woke me up' - Got Social Anxiety? UC personal statement 2 [18]

Jiseung, I already made my suggestions regarding paragraph improvement and my other concerns in the post above yours. Didn't you see it? I hope you can work on the suggestion I made :-)

Undergraduate / The Function Defined as P = Math - College Essay [10]

Excellent work Peter. This is the kind of connection that I felt was missing in your first version of the essay. You have successfully portrayed the academic and practical applications of math in both fields of your life. The Betrand quote certainly fits the bill when it comes to this essay. I am glad you found and used it. If it won't make you go over the word count though, I think the essay can use a personal anecdote about how Math has affected your daily life problem solving skills. Just to prove the point that you tried to explain. Some readers are visual in nature so if you just explain it, they may not believe you at once. If you explain it in terms that they understand however, they are sure to see the connection between Math principles and your life and perhaps, even their own.

Undergraduate / 'The hideous alarm sound woke me up' - Got Social Anxiety? UC personal statement 2 [18]

- You should work on improving this paragraph to show that you wondered why everything these days are made in China. Reveal that during your backpacking adventure to came to understand the deeper meaning of "Made in China". You understood the word to mean a country with an economy set to take over the world stage that the United States used to lead in. Explain how you were exposed to the fact that China could now better service the world consumer population better than before and that economics played a role in it.

I am not really sure how you can combine these two prompts into one essay because they follow unrelated prompts. Are you sure you have to combine them into one? If you really have to , then you need to develop a transition sentence or paragraph that will bridge the gap between the two stories. Don't worry about the word count for now.

Undergraduate / 'The hideous alarm sound woke me up' - Got Social Anxiety? UC personal statement 2 [18]

Sorry I took so long to get back to you. I have some grammar corrections and improvements :-)


- ... either I gave up and knelt to a... or I accepted the challenge to adapt... gave me the determination not to give in to bad ...


- ... of learning a new language...


- by putting in extra effort.


- ... was so low...


- ... with their encouragement


- ... to the varsity...





- and I will ...


- I have acquired over the past few years.


- ... to face another life changing adventure...

You are right not to worry about the word count. Get the message fixed first and the rest will fall into place :-)

Undergraduate / "My Life Incubator: Target" - Common App Essay Prompt 4 [8]


- It is at Target where...

Your essay has presented a side to you that could have been left unknown if it were not for this essay prompt. The way that you presented Target as not only an integral, but central part of your development as a teenager shows the reader that you have the ability to flourish under the most extreme circumstances. You know how to use the resources on-hand for your betterment and, thanks to Target, you came to identify your central identity. Excellent work on this essay. Be proud to submit this for consideration :-)

Undergraduate / "The Code is Mightier Than The Pen" - NYU Supplementary Essay [10]

The essay looks as ready as it can be Lan. I believe that it is ready for you to use because it has been reviewed, edited and revised already. It has gone through the paces of preparation and should be as perfect as it can be because of it. Then again, my criteria of what makes this essay ready may be different from yours so don't forget your personal considerations when deciding upon the readiness of your essay. If you feel that it is also ready for submission then go for it. Otherwise, let me know if you have any other concerns with the essay and I will help you address them :-) Good luck with your application.

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

If it is a scholarship personal statement that you are writing then yes, go ahead and beg. That is what a scholarship is all about, getting financial help to go further with your studies. In this case, there is no call for such information because you are writing a statement and not a scholarship essay. Let me also point out that just because the maximum word count is 100, that does not mean that you have to present 100 words. You can say what you need to in less words. What is important is that the information required is represented well in the statement that you have written. Just the facts that they want to know about, not the facts you think they should consider.

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

You should really cut out the statement about your family's financial problems putting a damper on your achieving your dreams. It doesn't really answer anything in the prompt. Neither is the prompt asking for such information. So omitting that piece of information will help strengthen the essay. The way it is now, with that statement right up front, it affects the overall impact of the message you are trying to convey. Just stick to answering the questions that the essay requires answers to and do not provide any information that is not being asked for. You are not applying for a scholarship so such information and sentiment is irrelevant when included in your answer.

Undergraduate / Community Service Toy Drive and how it relates to who I am - UC Prompt #2 [5]

I suggest that you revise the first 2 paragraphs of the essay by combining the introduction and content. That way you can bring down the word count and immediately present the event to the reader rather than having them read through so many words before getting the the part that you participated in. Highlight your contribution to the project that shows the kind of actual accomplishment you have and what you learned from it. Do not provide too much backgrounder on the foundation but mention the factors supporting the important event and how your accomplishments there helped shape the person you became.

Undergraduate / ''work is an anti node for poverty'' - My mother a supportive figure [9]

The revisions that you are suggesting definitely works. Don't be afraid to use the revisions that you developed for your essay. It blends well with the original and does not reduce the impact of the essay at all. Although it changes the slant a bit from personal to somewhat general in nature, the essay still works as a statement of admiration for your mother and her accomplishments in life. Review the paragraphs that you marked for revision and try to find out if there are any other parts you want to revise in those and other sections of your paper as well. Good luck with your revision :-)

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Adeyemi, I have alrady mentioned that your responses to prompts 1 and 3 are acceptable and adhere to the required answers criteria. Your main problem was the answer you developed for prompt number 2. Now that we have fixed that, we can edit the other prompts for the simple problems that exist in the grammar content.


- There was a redundancy in the way you stated your personal goals so I just removed the first mention because it had a better impact and statement in the second part of the statement.


- ... towards achieving better Math grades and passing their related exams ... officials with a vast knowledge and having represented.. ...

Undergraduate / "my passion for troubleshooting" - essay for TAMU [4]


- It is actually the paragraph after this which contains the start of your essay responses to the prompt so you can delete this particular paragraph without affecting the overall content of the essay.


- This is also an unnecessary paragraph filler that only serves to make your essay longer without actually providing information relevant to the prompt. You need to avoid these fillers in your essays in order to keep it short and whenever possible, within the required word count.

With the removal of these 2 paragraphs, it seems to me that the essay flows better and has shortened in length immensely. Do me a favor and review the essay with my suggestions and let me know if it works for you? Post the revised version here so I can have another look at it with the intention of finding other areas where we can cut down the content to shorten the paper even more. There may be some paragraphs or sentences that can be merged to accomplish that.

Undergraduate / The thief. He was a friend... a teammate... but he is an enemy now. College Essay 1 [2]

Aaron, the point of this essay is to show how you deal with racial, cultural, and social differences. Although your story was compelling, there was nothing in the narrative that related to the requirements of the essay prompt. You need to reflect further upon the requirements of the essay and how you can best present an answer. Did you ever experience such an event in your life? We have all experienced such an instance at one point or another in our lives. This could be an essay relating to religious differences, varying points of view about gender issues, a difference in upbringing, or anything that causes you to have a discussion, debate, or argument with another person because you believe in different things. Those are the kinds of issues often discussed in these essays and those are the answers that the admissions officer will be looking for. Unfortunately, your current essay does not fall under that heading.

Writing Feedback / Big city have many entertainment centers, better learning conditions and more jobs there [4]

Then your essay should have a minimum of 50 words per paragraph. Try not to use word fillers like so, besides, etc. You will also be able to better discuss the essay within 50 words per if you use one paragraph to support the big city, one for the small town, and another for your personal opinion. If you do it that way, you cover all of the necessary topic discussions while presenting the most minimal, but important facts in support of your opinion. Just remember that you do not need a lot of words to make your point. The use of personal experiences also helps in this type of discussion but it needs to be a deeper reason than what you are presenting at the moment.