Undergraduate / People around me always consider me as a bird of a different feather. UC Prompt 1 [8]

Li-Wei, I managed to come up with 338 words. See if this works for you. Feel free to use or rephrase it to suit your needs :-)

The people who know me have always considered me a bird of a different feather. Being born into a traditional Asian society where obidience to elders is demanded, along with social prohibitions, the fact that I always bucked at having to follow tradition made me stand out. Even at school, where everyone was expected to act like an automaton, I found myself questioning anything and everything that I could. I just could not fit into the stereotype of an Asian youth. I love challenges, I have a creative mind, and I tend to speak my mind. These were traits that were stifled in my school and left me feeling depressed and confused. I had a broken spirit since I could not even voice out an opinion of my own. I was forced to be what I was not, a subservient student.

Spotting my emotional difficulties at school, my parents transferred me to a bilingual elementary school where I developed my confidence and enjoyed the freedom to be who was was in an accepting atmosphere. I was now free to ask questions and develop my interests. It was here where I learned that if I wanted to learn more, I would have to leave my country and study abroad, where I would be free to follow my interests without being questioned or held back by tradition.

It is because I am not a typical Asian student that I know I will be successful at Penn State. A U.S. education means that I will be free to finally become more than my society perceives me to be. I will be able to achieve more because my stifled spiirit will finally have the freedom to soar, explore, and learn without fear of repercussions. Penn State offers me the opportunity to leave the Asian narrow minded educational system in favor of becoming a unique individual. All of my life experiences have combined to offer me the best traits and abilities to become successful during my stay as a student at Penn State.

Undergraduate / Debate Team that I built from scratch [3]

This essay begs you to be self absorbed. Which is why your answer really hits the spot. The problem, is that while the message is clear, the grammar is not. So it needs to be revised in order to produce a coherent and understandable essay. Let me show you how it can be done:

During my junior year, I established the Debate Team and became its first chairman. I had to work on establishing the team staff, which unfortunately, could not be done because none of our teachers had any debate experience. So we decided to become self-taught debaters. The problem with being self-taught was that we had no idea how to properly debate. Hence our loss during our first tournament. Out of the loss came something positive. The adjudicators and the experience taught us how to properly debate. Now that we knew what to do, we began to win tournaments, using our experience as our only coach. We still don't have a real coach today. However, the real life debate experience has offered us a more solid foundation than any coach could ever have. We now have a growing debate team that has become notable as one of the best in the region.

(150 word count)

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

The combination of my suggestions and your original ideas seems to have worked very well. There are still some last minute edits to apply though :-) A very minor one.


- ... we were going to take over the next couple of years and offered me a chance to win ...

That was the only correction that I felt needed to be applied. Other than that, the essay feels as ready as it can be for submission. Good luck with your application. I hope I was really able to help you perfect the essay and make it suit your needs :-)

Essays / Cause and effect for treatment of binge eating disorder [2]

Writing a cause and effect essay follows the same format as the other essays. The only difference being that you need to present one paragraph for a cause and another for the effect. I suggest that you follow this format:

1. Introduction - Present the meaning of Binge Eating and why it is considered an eating disorder.
2. Cause - Present one prominent cause of binge eating and discuss how it develops.
3. Effect- Discuss the effect of the cause you previously discussed. It could be a psychological or physical effect.
4. Conclude the essay

Using only one cause and effect reason will give you a better chance to fully develop the essay discussion. The conclusion can be a summary of the content or some suggestions from you about how to avoid developing the eating disorder.

Book Reports / Review "A little princess" by Frances Hodgson Burnett [2]

Duong, the first thing that you should ask yourself as you write this review is "What am I reviewing?" After you figure out what you want to review about the story, ask yourself a second question, "Why am I reviewing this story in particular?" These questions will be the basis of your review and will act as the guide that you need to clearly state the purpose of your story review. Remember, a lot of story reviews have already been written about A Little Princess. I suggest that you read the reviews available online in order to get inspiration towards the proper theme or content of the story that you should review. That way you do not fall back on a very long excerpt from the book which does not really help to move your personal review forward. Also, I believe that you want to review the "Humanitarian" work that is represented in the story, not "humanity". You could have discussed, in your review, the various aspects of humanitarian causes and effects that are reflected throughout the story after the father of Sara is mistaken for dead and how the strangers in the community came to the orphaned girl's aid. While your story review is alright, it lacks the proper clarity and direction that could have made it even better. You can still work on the review and the grammar problems that exist though. Good luck!

Undergraduate / My intended major - economy in Shanghai, China [5]

No problem. Go ahead and use it. You will notice that I did leave portions where you can add information to as you may want to. Just remember to adhere to the same writing style for continuity and make sure not to deviate from the topic of the paragraph. You may add as much or remove as much information as you want to from the original work I gave you. After you finish your editing post it here so that I can review it again and fix any continuity errors that may have resulted from the additions or deletions that you made to the work. Good luck!

Undergraduate / My dad and communities struggles have shaped my dreams and aspirations - UC Prompt #2 [5]

Bryan, discuss the working relationship that you had with him. How different was it from your personal relationship? Highlight the fact that your father was your first advanced learning teacher because of the work that you had to do at the office for him and you learned about the workings of the family business from him. Describe those two worlds that you share and relate it to the person you have become because of the double exposure that you had to the two worlds with the same person, your father. By relating those two, you will be able to portray the worlds you live in and the important person in your life in relation to those worlds :-)

Graduate / As a kid I was curious to know the source of sound from that radio - statement of purpose for Msc [8]

You are not writing a formal letter so there is no need to say thank you at the end. You are writing a statement of purpose essay. After having read your work though, I feel that the actual SOP does not start until you reach this particular paragraph:


Try to insert your current training in the essay and its relevance to your aspirations for the future. Make sure to indicate how these studies will help you become better at your profession either through a job promotion or career change in a related field. Those are the kinds of information that you need to provide in order to show your professional accomplishments and ability to undertake future complicated studies.

Undergraduate / My intended major - economy in Shanghai, China [5]

Jiseung, let me show you another way to approach this essay. Your ideas are good but the presentation needs work. I'll make a template for you to follow or base your next revision on. It should help make the essay more coherent and informative :-)

I can honestly say that I had no interest in Economics until I traveled to China three years ago. It was during this backpacking trip that I was exposed to the fact "Made in China" did not mean inferior goods and a black market economy. Rather, the country has a buslting economy just waiting for the United States to pass the baton to them.

The enormouse market size and rapid economic growth based upon the "Made in China" products showed me that any country can service the needs of the global customer due to the collapse of the economic barriers with the advent of the globalized market. The globalized market will only continue to grow and China will be at the forefront of that economic expolosion. "Made in China" will soon be as trusted a brand in the vast consumer market as "Made in Japan" cars and "Made in the USA" technologies.

I admit that I did not expect to see a highly modernized and affluent nation when I first landed in China. Somehow my images of their economy still included people working the rice paddies. Seeing Modern China opened my eyes to the importance of economic growth in the stability and financial comfort of their citizens. Having learned about the growth and positive effect of the Chinese economy upon its people, I found myself want to learn more about the rudiments of economics and how it can best serve the globalized world we live in.

Upon my return to the U.S. I threw myself deeply into the world of Economics. Trying to learn everything that I could about stock trading, stock indexes, and investment strategies. This was the start of my interest in economics and the spark that ignited the capitalist in me.

As I began to develop solid footing in economics by dabbling in stock trading, I began to feel the need to try and develop another aspect of my personality in relation to economics. Being an avid body builder, I often purchased protein powders online. Having found a Craiglist supplier who sold the product at half the price, I began to purchase the products for reselling on ebay, aside from my personal use. While my parents were skeptical about this attempt of mine, I eventually showed them that I understood economics and marketing by producing hefty profits from my sales. Needless to say, I continue to dabble as sales on ebay using the same product up to our present time.

So the experience in China, coupled with my experience as an ebay seller have all helped me to develop the mindset of an economist and has spurred me to learn as much as I can about Economics in order to help further propely my personal business ventures and hopefully, help the unstable U.S. economy find its proper footing again in the future.

Your essay should sound similar to this :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL : Young adults preference on how long they should live with their parents before moving out [3]

Darshan, this is a good essay that just needs some grammatical editing and a little advice for changes here and there :-)


- The issue of the right age for a young adult to move out of the family home is a contentious one that has resulted in highly heated debates.

- Never start a sentence with "But" that is an English grammar rule that cannot be changed.


- ... head start with their professional...


- to give their children...




- This is a good conclusion. You properly summed up the paper for the reader and did not digress in the presentation of facts. Excellent work :-)

Writing Feedback / "Who drove them out to the streets?" [5]

You present a good analysis of the situation in Peru regarding the street children. I am just wondering where your personal experience / connection with the story went? Did you live as one of those children before? Why do you consider this an important personal experience? How did it affect you as a person? Why do you think we should care about these children who live so far away? They have no direct relation to me. Make me care about these children. Make me care about the cause you are presenting. Make me feel for them because they were driven out to the streets. Why should I care that the Peruvian government cannot amply provide for them? My own country is suffering from educational and social care problems already and we do not need to send help to those kids when our own kids are also struggling. Unless you add that personal touch, the connection between you and the article content that will make us feel like we have to care and do something about this problem, the question you posed at the end of your article becomes worthless. Try not be so academic. Make this a human interest story because that is what it is. I know it is for a high school paper, but believe me, you need the touch of humanity in it to make the reader care. Improve your hook as well, reel the reader in. Right now, the article reads more like an academic essay than a school paper article.

Scholarship / What identifies you as a deserving candidate for Saint Louis University's Presidential Scholarship? [2]

Rafeeq, your essay is fine but it lacks one important element, you were not able to discuss how the core values of Saint Louis University would complement your character should you become a student there. The essay will be greatly improved once you add that particular paragraph or two. Then there is the problem of your discussing your accomplishments while a member of the swim team. Did you even win any competitions for yourself rather than the team? You need to point that out because the scholarship prompt already pointed out that they look positively upon applicants who have accomplishments of their own to speak of within the essay. What I read shows your determination to make it in the swimming world, but does not tell us that you managed to achieve anything of note in the process. We do not need to learn what the team achieved, we need to know what you achieved during your time as a member of the team. Future ambitions of joining the Olympics aside, you need to prove that you have done something noteworthy during your high school years to become a viable candidate for this scholarship. By the way, how do you plan on joining the Olympics? That would be a nice touch in this essay. Please try to refine the essay based upon the reviews and after that, we can address the numerous grammatical problems that are contained within the essay.

Undergraduate / My classmate Chen with language barrier, due to the brain damage, caused by car accident [5]

Dominic, the essay is better now since it is fully answering the prompt. I have a suggestion though. Rather than explaining how you come from two dream worlds, why don't you just concentrate on one dream world and fully develop that discussion? I feel that the more effective dream world in this case is your second dream world where dreams are broken. By discussing that world, you will be able to properly showcase the development of your dreams and ambitions based upon the obstacles that presented itself in this "world" which is a waking world of broken dreams and promises. I feel that it has a better connection with the reader and resonates well in terms of the prompt. Discuss how the dream breaking world inspired you to never be held back or stay within your comfort zone. Explain that the more you were told you "could not", the more you pushed yourself to prove them wrong. That is why the dream breaking world is the world you come from. It inspired who you became. Does that work for you?

Undergraduate / Keep on Fighting! You're almost there. - UC Prompt #2 [4]

Olivia, You need to lay the foundation for the event that had dialogue at the start of the essay. Your writing suffers from transition problems because you do not know how to properly ease the reader into the events unfolding int he essay. In this case, describe what you where doing and why before you present the dialogue at the beginning. Then use a transitory sentence at the end to mark a shift in the upcoming paragraph content. Then, again, prepare the reader for the events that you are about to talk about by giving an explanation of how the two events are connected in relation to the essay prompt. Doing so will remove the confusion that currently plagues anyone who reads this current form of the essay. There are also some grammar problems that need to be addressed but I will not point those out to you yet because you still have to work on the transitory sentences and creating a bridge sentence between the paragraphs. Grammar errors can be corrected once we have settled the content and format of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / Walking around the top observation deck of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, I realized my dream [4]

Karen, you have to understand that this event only marked a change in perspective. It did not represent a total move into adulthood for you. The move into adulthood would have been better represented had you chosen to discuss your opinion changing experiences while in Paris instead of opting to discuss your background. the community you come from and your blindness in one eye are all human interest stories that belong in a separate and highly different prompt The existence of those tales in your essay are what changed the direction of your writing. Try to rewrite the essay from a "global citizen" perspective, using the travel experience, the interaction with Parisians, learning about world cultures and how it relates to your development as a person in order to better mark a transitory event and experience. While the essay prompt seems to be asking you to discuss one or the other, the truth is that you cannot write about an experience without writing about an event. In this case, it would your realization of being a global person (event) in relation to the eye opening adventures (experience) you had in Paris. We can spin it to adhere to the prompt since that is the story that you want to use for this essay :-)

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

We just need to clean up the essay and the grammar that you used to make it work better. Try this version:

I come from a low income community where the local government lacks funding for their basic community projects. Since the main problem of our community was the lack of funding to repair the road potholes, you can imagine how inconvenienced all of the residents were. Despite being a poor community, my friends and I were able to rally the residents to donate towards the purchase of sand for the filling of the potholes. We filled the holes and in the process helped our community improve its transportation. I learned that we have the ability to solve our problems ourselves, without relying on other people for everything or anything in our lives.

Undergraduate / I was daydreaming about a typical, everyday routine of a high school student - Homeschool Background [3]

Lillian, I have long admired the parents who take the time to home school their children and I admire the children even greater because they do not allow the monkey see, monkey do influence of their peers influence them to go to a regular school. You have taken one of the best educational avenues that a student can have and it shows in the maturity that is reflected in your essay. This is an excellent central identity prompt answer that allows you to shine a light not only on your personality, but also on the unique way that you developed into a person. In my opinion, your work in this essay is quite good and properly adheres to the prompt requirements. This is a very unique central identity essay that you should be very proud to add to your application documents :-)

Writing Feedback / Should parents interfere in any money-spending decision of their kids? [2]

Phuong, though your essay is too wordy, it has actually answered the prompt provided. You could have actually discussed this essay in a more direct manner going directly to the heart of the topic which is the parent's responsibility to teach their children all about fiscal / money responsibility at an early age. Then you could have explained why it is essential that parents teach the children how to wisely save and spend based upon historic reasons such as learning to save for what they want to own by working for it, saving so that they can help pay for their college education, or even starting their own business. Don't get me wrong though, your essay works quite well. It just needs to be cleaned up grammatically and given an editing to bring down the word count because the essay could have been discussed in a quicker manner.

Undergraduate / Keep on Fighting! You're almost there. - UC Prompt #2 [4]

Olivia, the first thing you should remember is that before you post your prompt response, you should first give us a copy of the prompt you are supposed to be answering. Otherwise, it will be next to impossible to properly analyze, review, and advice you regarding the content of your essay. At this point, only a general review can be made regarding the content, grammar, and descriptiveness of your essay. We cannot tell you how well you answered the prompt, or, if you answered the prompt properly.

The essay is kind of confusing to read because you jump from an unnamed competition to a description of a tennis competition (which is unclear whether you participated in it or not), and then other stories that do not seem related to one another. There is a lack of cohesion and clarity in the message of your essay. That problem exists even before I know what the prompt you are trying to answer is so I am sure that once I find out what the prompt is, I will be able to guide you towards centering the essay and properly answering the prompt. Please upload it soon. Thanks :-)

Essays / What problem that students are facing with? [6]

Hunyi, the best way to discuss this essay is to analyze the top problems that students are faced with in school. These problems normally consist of:

1. Peer pressure / lack of social skills
2. Academic demands regarding performance and grades
3. Parental control over activities
4. Inability to cope with multitasking requirements of their classes.

If you use one paragraph to discuss each topic, you should be able to properly address the requirements of the essay.

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]


- Adeyemi, your answer does not suit the prompt. You should have responded to this with an event that happened in your life that helped your community. Perhaps you have some volunteer activities that could depict such an event? Or you had a friend or neighbor whom you were able to help in their time of need? Those are some topics that normally find its way as answers in such prompt questions :-)

Aside from the problem with your answer in question 2, the rest of your answers suit the prompts very well. There are some grammar problems that need to be addressed but I would rather save that for later, after you have fixed your answer to question 2 :-)

Undergraduate / My intended major - economy in Shanghai, China [5]

Jiseung, your experience perfectly answers the essay prompt. It has a number of grammatical errors and can actually be shortened in certain paragraphs but I would like to first see how you can revise the essay to become shorter. The ebay portion is a bit too long and could use with some cutting down. In its place, I would like you to write a paragraph that presents the way your interest really developed in Economics. State some of the questions that ran through your head as you observed the market place in China and S. Korea. What made you think that the world economy would expand without limits? What made you realize that economics is an important part of a globalized world? I have some more suggestions to make for this essay but I want to see how you will include the answers to the questions I pointed out first. Don't worry about the length. I can help you bring it down to the correct word count once we have finalized the content :-)

Undergraduate / I come from a family that was socially classified as different, and was therefore looked down [2]

Jonep, the essay is really all over the place right now and I am not sure about how I can help you out. Mainly because I have no idea about what story you are trying to tell. You need to provide the personal statement prompt that you are trying to answer so that your essay can be better reviewed and analyzed. Remember, we can't help you if we don't know what the problem is :-) Please upload the essay prompt to this thread as soon as you can so that we can have a guide for reviewing the essay. Right now I can tell that you are trying to express something about your world, your community, and your family relationships. I am just not sure which of the prompts that are often answered this way you are trying to answer. So be specific and share the prompt with us as soon as possible :-)

Undergraduate / My dad and communities struggles have shaped my dreams and aspirations - UC Prompt #2 [5]

Bryan, you have succeeded in describing a unique world. It is a world that you share with your father and other members of your community. By being so descriptive and emotional, you have shown us the true reasons behind your drive to succeed in life. Your desire to improve yourself and rise above your station in life i clearly evident as having been shaped by your life experiences in the world that you come from. It is nice to read about your struggles in your world and how you have managed to overcome those obstacles before you. The language is simplistic but effective. You have managed to use less words but say a lot more about you and your world. This is a very good effort at writing this essay that needs very little changes. The only thing I would like to see is less information about your dad and more information about your work and personal relationship with him in relation to the world that you belong to.

Undergraduate / The world I come from is practically non-existent -- visually, at least; Neuroscience UC Prompt #1 [8]

I am not sure what you mean by internship because there was nothing relating to work experience in the essay that you wrote. You were pretty much set in only your grandmother's apartment and the world that you created for yourself there. The essay is quite descriptive in my opinion and really brings the reader into your world. Almost begging that we close our eyes to become sightless in order to get a feel of what it is truly like to be in your world. It is well written and descriptive so you can relax and be confident in the work you have done :-) I am not saying that just to make you feel good. Believe me, if there were something wrong with the content, I would have pointed it out the first time you posted this thread :-)

Undergraduate / I come from a world of fantasy - The World that inspired me is the Anime World. [7]

This is definitely one of the best versions of this essay. I found some places where you can revise the content though. I believe these are the additional sentences that you put into the essay.


- That became the catalyst, the foundation, for my love of robots and robotics.


- ... interested in the show's...


- ... love for robotics .


- Ithought to myself


-While I thought...


- While I did not realize it at the tender age of 10, I had developed a career goal -- to become an engineer.

Check out how the changes I suggested work for you. It seems to make the paragraphs sound better in my opinion :-)

Undergraduate / "Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing" Cornell Essay help [7]

Excellent work Daniel! As far as I am concerned, this essay well reflects the requirements of a prompt in an interesting and highly imaginative manner. My opinion is that this essay is ready to submit if you are ready to submit it. This is as ready for use as it can be. However, my opinion could be slightly or highly different from yours. I hope that you also feel that it is ready to submit. If you think there are still parts we can work on, let me know which parts you want to improve and I'll work with you on fixing it up :-) Be confident in what your instinct tells you and I will be here to support and help you.

Undergraduate / The world I come from is practically non-existent -- visually, at least; Neuroscience UC Prompt #1 [8]

This is a very involving essay about the world that you come from Fatimah. You successfully take us into the world of darkness or semi-darkness that you exist in while offering us a clear idea of how your situation in life and your environment helped shape the person you have become. In effect, you managed to establish a solid point of reference regarding the growth of your traits, goals, and ambitions in life in an unexpected manner. It is admirable to see that you have thought outside of the box with this essay by using your poor vision or lack of sight to help establish the world that you come from. It shows the kind of admirable inner strength you have which will definitely help you become a success in life. Are there any areas of concern in the essay that you wrote that you want me to concentrate on in this review?

Undergraduate / "Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing" Cornell Essay help [7]

Daniel, you mentioned science, continual history and advancement in technology as a part of the ever evolving world of human history. I suggest a little adjustment to the anecdote that includes a representation of those fields. That way your later statement indicating those fields have an actual connection to the anecdote that you used :-) It would also help if we knew what you were thinking or feeling during the time that you were participating in the story. Show the child or teenager like understanding of what was going on and how it affected your intense interest in history :-)

Graduate / Rainbow nation child - Diversity Essay [10]

I know that you did not mean to offend anyone which is why I warned you about it and advised you to change it :-) You can keep the food reference if you want to. However, I feel that we should address the cultural difference between you and your Korean American boyfriend or at your school. The essay just feels like it pays too much attention to diversity and offers very little in terms of cultural differences. Normally, the cultural difference is often highlighted by a story that shows how two people with two different cultural background find a halfway point of common point of interest that eventually helps them get along in this diverse world. Do you have any experience that can point that out in the essay for you?

Graduate / People in my hometown always associate "project" and "project people" with hope of a better change [3]

Thao, when writing a statement of purpose, it is always in your best interest to mention as little as possible about your college background. That is because when you apply to masters or PhD studies, it is understood that you already have ample professional experience that has brought you more hands on rather than theoretical education. These higher studies always center around advanced studies in direct relation to your line of work so any of your childhood dreams, ambitions, inspirations, and high school or college accomplishments no longer apply as strongly for consideration in your application. I advise you to revise the essay while keeping the following paragraphs which strongly apply to your SOP:

Base your SOP on the following basic guide questions:
1. What is your purpose in applying for higher studies? (This is usually work related in terms of promotions and/or a change of career within the same occupation)

2. What field of higher learning are you applying to ?
3. How does your current work and training experience relate to these studies? (This would be the best place to summarize your college experience)
4. What are your short and long term goals in pursuing this degree? How do you expect it to help you attain your goals and ambitions?

Those are actually the only required information in an SOP so if you follow these guide questions, you will find that you have written a tighter and more informative SOP without really needing to use too many words.

Graduate / Rainbow nation child - Diversity Essay [10]

Anastacia, I strongly advice you not to tell the dog meat story in your essay because it is not something that is culturally acceptable to others and could affect the impression of yourself that you are trying to convey to the admissions officer. Do your best not to possibly offend the senses of your reader. Dog meat for food is something strongly frowned upon in most countries, specially the United States, which is a country of dog lovers.

Overall though, the essay seems to be working already. This is a good draft that can use some editing. However, since I advised you to take out a great portion of the essay referring to dog meat, you should revise the essay before we settle down to work on the grammar issued that exist. I want to make sure that we will have a final version that is best suited to your needs and best represents you before we deal with the errors in the paper.

Undergraduate / My classmate Chen with language barrier, due to the brain damage, caused by car accident [5]

Dominic, you unfortunately missed the point of the prompt. You were not supposed to talk about the experience of another person whom you know about. You were supposed to talk about a family member, your community, or school as the world that you come from. From what I gather from your essay, you have not even come close to answering it. You keep talking about Chang rather than yourself. This essay is supposed to discuss you, not the way you observed and tried to help another person. This is about your world and how it shaped your dreams and aspirations. That means you need to delve into the people that you interacted with who influenced the person you have become along with the dreams and ambitions that you developed. That is not the focal point of this essay and therefore, it does not answer the prompt. You need to write a new essay that better suits the prompt. Maybe you can save this one for a different app that it may apply to in the future.

Undergraduate / Meeting James Watson, best day of your life. VTech Supplement [4]

I edited the paper by deleting some sentences and rewording a few as well. This is now down to 223 words. I hope this version works for you :-)

I was one of the two students from John Champe High School who were selected to attend the Holiday Lectures at Howard Hughes Medical Institute about the Era in Genomics. These lectures were focused on how advances in genomics are helping to get a better understanding of diseases such as cancer and how treatments are rapidly improving. There were rumors that James Watson, the prominent co-founder of the DNA structure, was going to be speaking lectures. We later learned that students would get a chance to have a Q&A with him for about 45 minutes. When the time came, I finally got to ask my question, "What is some advice that you would give to high school students?" He gave a very cliche answer, but an answer that has stuck with me even though I have probably heard it numerous times; he said to "Never give up. Always keep trying and you will get what you want." Words coming from a Nobel Prize Winner mean something a lot more. Later, I even got a chance to personally talk to him for about a minute and get his autobiography signed by him. It was an overwhelming experience as I was talking to someone we had only learned about in biology books and profoundly looked up to for his work in the Human Genome Project.

Undergraduate / USC Incoming Freshman Supplements -- Both General and Viterbi School of Engineering Essays [5]

You have given very intelligent and well thought out answers to every prompt provided. I find your first answer, the one to the question about nerds, to be a highly open minded answer that should impress the reader mostly because it shows your ability to be able to see beyond social expectations, qualifications, and norms in order to see the totality of a person. As for the second prompt, I wanted to read about something more specific about your plans to use the degree. Perhaps a reference to a solid goal or hypothesis that you hope to prove or invent through your studies would have a good impact upon that statement. The prompt that I have the most problem with is your answer to the third prompt because you deviated from the topic. You should have concentrated on only the answer to the question. Remember, in an essay such as this one, which can be considered to be a part of the interview and evaluation process, you should always give direct to the point answers instead of beating around the bush as you did in this statement. Rather than referring to the arguments you had with your mother, you should have used the space to further discuss how you plan to utilize your academic exposure in the pursuit of your interests.

Writing Feedback / Introductory Paragraph about causes of HIV in children [6]

Tamara, "indicate" means to let people know, to inform them about certain things by pointing out the details of information. So when I say indicate that it is worldwide, that means to tell the reader that the figures cover evidence coming from international sources and figures. I like your idea and approach to your essay. It is a good way to write it and it will be easy for the reader to follow the flow of discussion. The revised introductory paragraph is well written even with the existing grammatical errors. I hope to read the finished draft in the future so that I can help you clean up the grammatical errors that are sure to arise as you draft the essay :-) Good luck with your research !

Writing Feedback / Introductory Paragraph about causes of HIV in children [6]

Tamara, be sure to use the word "worldwide" when quoting facts and figures. Since you did not mention a country in particular as being the source of this information, I am deducing that you mean international figures, specially with the mention of the United Nations. However, for the benefit of those who may not be familiar with such terms, you should always be sure to indicate whether the figures are international or not in nature.

As an overview of the potential research information contained for discussion in your essay, this introduction works very well. You have mentioned enough facts and figures to keep the reader interested in finding out what you have to say in the rest of your essay. Be sure to indicate that further information and discussions will be reflected in later paragraphs. Right now, the essay seems like it going to try and discuss all of the relevant information in only one paragraph. Be sure to represent your discussion well in the introduction so that your essay discussion will have a semblance of order for the reader after you have written it.

In relation to the grammar errors, please note that the information you are using comes from previous years (2013) which means that you must use the past tense when discussing the information. Please go back to your essay and revise the tense usage so that your essay will become grammatically correct in that aspect.

Undergraduate / Samsae-third generation Korean immigrant-born in Japan - learned of my Korean and Japanese heritage [10]

I was just making some suggestions to help you out :-) I would prefer that you develop your own essay if you can. You don't have to follow my instructions to the letter if you think that there is another approach that you can take in writing the second version of your essay. I am only here to guide you and advice you until you feel that you have developed an essay that you feel is satisfactory to your needs. That means that you hold the decision reins in your hands. Write the essay the way that you feel you can do it best. I will take my cue from you and help you develop it in the way that you envision it :-)

Writing Feedback / Descriptive writing; unexpected events, unpredictable situations and unforgettable moments in life [2]

Kanyepi, before I comment on the descriptive essay, may I know what your are being asked to describe in particular? I ask this because I see a number of life events being described within the essay which I feel brings this essay into a more personal area. So I want to make sure that I don't offend you in any way with my comments or suggestions. I notice some grammatical errors that can be corrected in the essay without affecting the over all descriptive content. The essence of your essay is quite sweet and touching. I like the way you use descriptive words to move the essay along. It truly brings the reader into the world that you are describing and offers us an opportunity, even as strangers, to get to know you better. So I am sure that this is a very effective descriptive essay. With some minor adjustments, based upon the topic of the essay of course, I am sure that we can make it even better and polish it to near perfection or perfection for you :-)

Undergraduate / 'The hideous alarm sound woke me up' - Got Social Anxiety? UC personal statement 2 [18]

- Jiseung, I believe it would be best to delete this portion of your essay because it does not really help the story along. The paragraph after this contains the hook that will keep the reader interested and also provides the basis of the rest of the essay you are presenting.

You have a tendency to start your sentences with the word "because", please revise all of those sentences because one of the hard rules of English written grammar is that no sentence can start with "Because" or "And".

Overall though, the essay relates a very important personal experience for you and the succeeding aftermath of those events. It has some grammar problems that need to be corrected and there are certain parts that can still use some editing and revision but I would like you to correct the sentences that start with "Because" first because you will be using a totally different sentence which could affect the overall content of the essay. I will give additional comments and advice after I read the new sentences :-)