Graduate / Benefit to home country.....applying for scholarship [2]

You did not fully understand the requirements of the prompt. What you are being asked to state is a particular project that you will be undertaking in order to help India improve as a country and on the world stage. Instead, you offered a summary of the current government projects in India and how you plan on joining the service sector as an employee after you graduate. This is a forward thinking essay. That means you need to envision the kind of project that you would want to undertake in the future for the benefit of your country, upon your return through the full utilization of your newly acquired skills and knowledge. Think of this as a case study with an expected outcome.

Basically, you need to think of the kind of project you think will help your country, how you plan to implement it, and what your expected outcome is. That is what the scholarship essay expects and requires you to discuss. You cannot use any of the information in your existing essay because it does not align with the expectations of the prompt. You will have to start over and write a totally new essay.

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

Adeyemi, I needed to fix some parts of the essay in order to correct the grammar. It comes in at exactly 100 words:

Being from a low income community, our local government lacked the funding for basic community projects, one of the main problemswe had to address was the existence of pot holes in our roads. The lack of government funding prevented the pot holes from being repaired Despite our financial struggles, my friends and I were able to raise funds to buy sand. We filled the holes and in the process helped our community improve its transportation. I learned that we have the special ability to solve our problems ourselves, without relying on other people for everything or anything in our lives.

Writing Feedback / "Who drove them out to the streets?" [5]

The grammar you used in the essay is properly constructed in American English. The overall format is clean but too formal for a high school newspaper. You can try to loosen up a bit in your writing since high school newspapers need to have a less constricted image for its news articles and opinion sections. I did not find any major grammatical errors that need to be addressed. Like I said, if you improve the hook, and in addition, relax the language a little, your article will be better accepted and responded to by your readers.

Writing Feedback / Big city have many entertainment centers, better learning conditions and more jobs there [4]

Hien, your essay is too short and does not follow the essay writing guidelines. Please remember the following when writing your essay:

1. The introduction must contain the prompt statement, a summary of the discussion to follow, and your point of view.
2. The body of the essay must be at least 2 paragraphs long. Each paragraph must contain at least 3 sentences per paragraph.
3. Your point of view must be stated as a stand alone paragraph and should not be a part of the conclusion or concluding statement.
4. The concluding statement should be structured to restate the prompt, a summary of facts, and an emphasis on your point of view.

Your conclusion is the weakest part of the essay and should be improved. The overall essay has room for improvement provided your fix it using the above instructions. There are a number of grammatical errors int he essay that we can correct after you have fixed up the essay requirements :-)

Undergraduate / 'The hideous alarm sound woke me up' - Got Social Anxiety? UC personal statement 2 [18]

On the contrary, you should definitely keep the backpacking story as a part of your essay. That story shows the admissions officer how far you have come since you first arrived in America and had to deal with a whole new world and culture. The fact that it shows you challenging yourself to get to know other cultures and countries by actually going there to experience it first hand shows that you have developed an ability to be able to automatically adjust to your new environments without any fear or doubt. It shows how you have come full circle in your development as an immigrant which can help you succeed in your new school environment. Keep the backpacking story. Enhance it if you want to. It is an important part of your essay.

Undergraduate / 'The hideous alarm sound woke me up' - Got Social Anxiety? UC personal statement 2 [18]

Jiseung, the essay prompt asks you to choose only one of the topics to discuss. That is because you are being given an opportunity to thoroughly discuss your chosen experience, character,talent, contribution, or accomplishment in life. You don't need to try to discuss more than one interesting facet of your personality in the essay. I strongly urge you to choose only one topic to discuss and then build upon that. I feel that you should concentrate on your arrival in the United States and how you survived or overcame the obstacles that were in your path. The obstacles that you should discuss are the language barrier, social differences, and change in the school environment. These will all add up to a single experience that you should be proud of because it helped you become the person you are now. Your current essay just has too many topics going on and it tries to present one too many angles of your personality. We only need to see one facet, the strongest facet that tells us how strong a person you are and your ability to overcome obstacles in life.

Undergraduate / Community Service Toy Drive and how it relates to who I am - UC Prompt #2 [5]

Bryan, what is the word count on this essay? Are you over the limit? While your essay speaks in great detail about the experience that you had with Day One, you did not really explain to us why you are proud of your accomplishment as a volunteer. Instead, your spoke of your gratefulness and realization that you had it better than others in your community. You need to revise the essay to instead reflect the fact that you are proud of your volunteer work which occurred during that holiday and then explain why you feel that way. That is how you can properly answer the prompt and provide an insight into the kind of person you have become because of your participation in that organization.

Graduate / As a kid I was curious to know the source of sound from that radio - statement of purpose for Msc [8]

Start your SOP with answers to this very basic outline:

1. What field of study do you want to master in?
2. Do you have the relevant work experience or training in the field in order to claim the need for advanced studies?
3. What is your ultimate goal in completing advanced studies?
4. Present a summary of your current work experience and training which could convince the admissions officer that you have what it takes to succeed as a graduate student.

Your essay really needs to only answer those 4 questions in order to be effective in presenting your statement of purpose.

Undergraduate / "wooden pen" - ILLINOIS UNDERGRADUATE ADMISSION ESSAY [2]

Amirul, your essay needs to become more coherent and relevant to the topic being asked. I developed a template for you to follow in the writing of this essay. Please refer to it in your revision.

I have always been good at Math and Physics, but I did not realize that I could parlay this love into a chemical engineering career until I was in the 9th grade, when I first encountered Chemistry in my studies. I was very excited to discover that mixing chemicals could create a new chemical in itself, which made me all the more excited and passionate about Chemistry and its relation to engineering. Programs such as "How is it Made?" fueled my interest in the world of Chemical Engineering and helpe dme understand how it relates to our everyday lives. I hope to be able to develop new and interesting ways of using Chemical Engineering in the daily lives of people in the future by creating breakthrough research that will help elevate the way chemicals are used in the development of everyday products.

142 Words

Essays / What problem that students are facing with? [6]

Okay. I think you are not sure about the writing process involved in developing an argument essay. You need to understand that an argumentative essay involves investigation into your established thesis. When you write an argumentative essay, you will need to do a little investigating regarding your topic. This means that you will collect all relevant information about your discussion which you will then evaluate for accuracy and acceptability as you present it as evidence in your paper. You should then present your position on the topic, making sure that your ideas and supporting facts are clear and easily understood by the reader. Remember, you are arguing a solid position. Usually either in support of or against a topic. Having explained to you the definition and process of writing an argumentative essay, I would now like you to rethink the essay you are about to write. That is because the line of reasoning that you require using your current prompt leans more towards a cause and effect or opinion essay rather than an argumentative essay.

Undergraduate / People around me always consider me as a bird of a different feather. UC Prompt 1 [8]

Li-Wei, I managed to come up with 338 words. See if this works for you. Feel free to use or rephrase it to suit your needs :-)

The people who know me have always considered me a bird of a different feather. Being born into a traditional Asian society where obidience to elders is demanded, along with social prohibitions, the fact that I always bucked at having to follow tradition made me stand out. Even at school, where everyone was expected to act like an automaton, I found myself questioning anything and everything that I could. I just could not fit into the stereotype of an Asian youth. I love challenges, I have a creative mind, and I tend to speak my mind. These were traits that were stifled in my school and left me feeling depressed and confused. I had a broken spirit since I could not even voice out an opinion of my own. I was forced to be what I was not, a subservient student.

Spotting my emotional difficulties at school, my parents transferred me to a bilingual elementary school where I developed my confidence and enjoyed the freedom to be who was was in an accepting atmosphere. I was now free to ask questions and develop my interests. It was here where I learned that if I wanted to learn more, I would have to leave my country and study abroad, where I would be free to follow my interests without being questioned or held back by tradition.

It is because I am not a typical Asian student that I know I will be successful at Penn State. A U.S. education means that I will be free to finally become more than my society perceives me to be. I will be able to achieve more because my stifled spiirit will finally have the freedom to soar, explore, and learn without fear of repercussions. Penn State offers me the opportunity to leave the Asian narrow minded educational system in favor of becoming a unique individual. All of my life experiences have combined to offer me the best traits and abilities to become successful during my stay as a student at Penn State.

Undergraduate / Debate Team that I built from scratch [3]

This essay begs you to be self absorbed. Which is why your answer really hits the spot. The problem, is that while the message is clear, the grammar is not. So it needs to be revised in order to produce a coherent and understandable essay. Let me show you how it can be done:

During my junior year, I established the Debate Team and became its first chairman. I had to work on establishing the team staff, which unfortunately, could not be done because none of our teachers had any debate experience. So we decided to become self-taught debaters. The problem with being self-taught was that we had no idea how to properly debate. Hence our loss during our first tournament. Out of the loss came something positive. The adjudicators and the experience taught us how to properly debate. Now that we knew what to do, we began to win tournaments, using our experience as our only coach. We still don't have a real coach today. However, the real life debate experience has offered us a more solid foundation than any coach could ever have. We now have a growing debate team that has become notable as one of the best in the region.

(150 word count)

Undergraduate / Mathematics major; It took me quite a long time to finally realize what I wanted to study in college [18]

The combination of my suggestions and your original ideas seems to have worked very well. There are still some last minute edits to apply though :-) A very minor one.


- ... we were going to take over the next couple of years and offered me a chance to win ...

That was the only correction that I felt needed to be applied. Other than that, the essay feels as ready as it can be for submission. Good luck with your application. I hope I was really able to help you perfect the essay and make it suit your needs :-)

Essays / Cause and effect for treatment of binge eating disorder [2]

Writing a cause and effect essay follows the same format as the other essays. The only difference being that you need to present one paragraph for a cause and another for the effect. I suggest that you follow this format:

1. Introduction - Present the meaning of Binge Eating and why it is considered an eating disorder.
2. Cause - Present one prominent cause of binge eating and discuss how it develops.
3. Effect- Discuss the effect of the cause you previously discussed. It could be a psychological or physical effect.
4. Conclude the essay

Using only one cause and effect reason will give you a better chance to fully develop the essay discussion. The conclusion can be a summary of the content or some suggestions from you about how to avoid developing the eating disorder.

Book Reports / Review "A little princess" by Frances Hodgson Burnett [2]

Duong, the first thing that you should ask yourself as you write this review is "What am I reviewing?" After you figure out what you want to review about the story, ask yourself a second question, "Why am I reviewing this story in particular?" These questions will be the basis of your review and will act as the guide that you need to clearly state the purpose of your story review. Remember, a lot of story reviews have already been written about A Little Princess. I suggest that you read the reviews available online in order to get inspiration towards the proper theme or content of the story that you should review. That way you do not fall back on a very long excerpt from the book which does not really help to move your personal review forward. Also, I believe that you want to review the "Humanitarian" work that is represented in the story, not "humanity". You could have discussed, in your review, the various aspects of humanitarian causes and effects that are reflected throughout the story after the father of Sara is mistaken for dead and how the strangers in the community came to the orphaned girl's aid. While your story review is alright, it lacks the proper clarity and direction that could have made it even better. You can still work on the review and the grammar problems that exist though. Good luck!

Undergraduate / My intended major - economy in Shanghai, China [5]

No problem. Go ahead and use it. You will notice that I did leave portions where you can add information to as you may want to. Just remember to adhere to the same writing style for continuity and make sure not to deviate from the topic of the paragraph. You may add as much or remove as much information as you want to from the original work I gave you. After you finish your editing post it here so that I can review it again and fix any continuity errors that may have resulted from the additions or deletions that you made to the work. Good luck!

Undergraduate / My dad and communities struggles have shaped my dreams and aspirations - UC Prompt #2 [5]

Bryan, discuss the working relationship that you had with him. How different was it from your personal relationship? Highlight the fact that your father was your first advanced learning teacher because of the work that you had to do at the office for him and you learned about the workings of the family business from him. Describe those two worlds that you share and relate it to the person you have become because of the double exposure that you had to the two worlds with the same person, your father. By relating those two, you will be able to portray the worlds you live in and the important person in your life in relation to those worlds :-)

Graduate / As a kid I was curious to know the source of sound from that radio - statement of purpose for Msc [8]

You are not writing a formal letter so there is no need to say thank you at the end. You are writing a statement of purpose essay. After having read your work though, I feel that the actual SOP does not start until you reach this particular paragraph:


Try to insert your current training in the essay and its relevance to your aspirations for the future. Make sure to indicate how these studies will help you become better at your profession either through a job promotion or career change in a related field. Those are the kinds of information that you need to provide in order to show your professional accomplishments and ability to undertake future complicated studies.

Undergraduate / My intended major - economy in Shanghai, China [5]

Jiseung, let me show you another way to approach this essay. Your ideas are good but the presentation needs work. I'll make a template for you to follow or base your next revision on. It should help make the essay more coherent and informative :-)

I can honestly say that I had no interest in Economics until I traveled to China three years ago. It was during this backpacking trip that I was exposed to the fact "Made in China" did not mean inferior goods and a black market economy. Rather, the country has a buslting economy just waiting for the United States to pass the baton to them.

The enormouse market size and rapid economic growth based upon the "Made in China" products showed me that any country can service the needs of the global customer due to the collapse of the economic barriers with the advent of the globalized market. The globalized market will only continue to grow and China will be at the forefront of that economic expolosion. "Made in China" will soon be as trusted a brand in the vast consumer market as "Made in Japan" cars and "Made in the USA" technologies.

I admit that I did not expect to see a highly modernized and affluent nation when I first landed in China. Somehow my images of their economy still included people working the rice paddies. Seeing Modern China opened my eyes to the importance of economic growth in the stability and financial comfort of their citizens. Having learned about the growth and positive effect of the Chinese economy upon its people, I found myself want to learn more about the rudiments of economics and how it can best serve the globalized world we live in.

Upon my return to the U.S. I threw myself deeply into the world of Economics. Trying to learn everything that I could about stock trading, stock indexes, and investment strategies. This was the start of my interest in economics and the spark that ignited the capitalist in me.

As I began to develop solid footing in economics by dabbling in stock trading, I began to feel the need to try and develop another aspect of my personality in relation to economics. Being an avid body builder, I often purchased protein powders online. Having found a Craiglist supplier who sold the product at half the price, I began to purchase the products for reselling on ebay, aside from my personal use. While my parents were skeptical about this attempt of mine, I eventually showed them that I understood economics and marketing by producing hefty profits from my sales. Needless to say, I continue to dabble as sales on ebay using the same product up to our present time.

So the experience in China, coupled with my experience as an ebay seller have all helped me to develop the mindset of an economist and has spurred me to learn as much as I can about Economics in order to help further propely my personal business ventures and hopefully, help the unstable U.S. economy find its proper footing again in the future.

Your essay should sound similar to this :-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL : Young adults preference on how long they should live with their parents before moving out [3]

Darshan, this is a good essay that just needs some grammatical editing and a little advice for changes here and there :-)


- The issue of the right age for a young adult to move out of the family home is a contentious one that has resulted in highly heated debates.

- Never start a sentence with "But" that is an English grammar rule that cannot be changed.


- ... head start with their professional...


- to give their children...




- This is a good conclusion. You properly summed up the paper for the reader and did not digress in the presentation of facts. Excellent work :-)

Writing Feedback / "Who drove them out to the streets?" [5]

You present a good analysis of the situation in Peru regarding the street children. I am just wondering where your personal experience / connection with the story went? Did you live as one of those children before? Why do you consider this an important personal experience? How did it affect you as a person? Why do you think we should care about these children who live so far away? They have no direct relation to me. Make me care about these children. Make me care about the cause you are presenting. Make me feel for them because they were driven out to the streets. Why should I care that the Peruvian government cannot amply provide for them? My own country is suffering from educational and social care problems already and we do not need to send help to those kids when our own kids are also struggling. Unless you add that personal touch, the connection between you and the article content that will make us feel like we have to care and do something about this problem, the question you posed at the end of your article becomes worthless. Try not be so academic. Make this a human interest story because that is what it is. I know it is for a high school paper, but believe me, you need the touch of humanity in it to make the reader care. Improve your hook as well, reel the reader in. Right now, the article reads more like an academic essay than a school paper article.

Scholarship / What identifies you as a deserving candidate for Saint Louis University's Presidential Scholarship? [2]

Rafeeq, your essay is fine but it lacks one important element, you were not able to discuss how the core values of Saint Louis University would complement your character should you become a student there. The essay will be greatly improved once you add that particular paragraph or two. Then there is the problem of your discussing your accomplishments while a member of the swim team. Did you even win any competitions for yourself rather than the team? You need to point that out because the scholarship prompt already pointed out that they look positively upon applicants who have accomplishments of their own to speak of within the essay. What I read shows your determination to make it in the swimming world, but does not tell us that you managed to achieve anything of note in the process. We do not need to learn what the team achieved, we need to know what you achieved during your time as a member of the team. Future ambitions of joining the Olympics aside, you need to prove that you have done something noteworthy during your high school years to become a viable candidate for this scholarship. By the way, how do you plan on joining the Olympics? That would be a nice touch in this essay. Please try to refine the essay based upon the reviews and after that, we can address the numerous grammatical problems that are contained within the essay.

Undergraduate / My classmate Chen with language barrier, due to the brain damage, caused by car accident [5]

Dominic, the essay is better now since it is fully answering the prompt. I have a suggestion though. Rather than explaining how you come from two dream worlds, why don't you just concentrate on one dream world and fully develop that discussion? I feel that the more effective dream world in this case is your second dream world where dreams are broken. By discussing that world, you will be able to properly showcase the development of your dreams and ambitions based upon the obstacles that presented itself in this "world" which is a waking world of broken dreams and promises. I feel that it has a better connection with the reader and resonates well in terms of the prompt. Discuss how the dream breaking world inspired you to never be held back or stay within your comfort zone. Explain that the more you were told you "could not", the more you pushed yourself to prove them wrong. That is why the dream breaking world is the world you come from. It inspired who you became. Does that work for you?

Undergraduate / Keep on Fighting! You're almost there. - UC Prompt #2 [4]

Olivia, You need to lay the foundation for the event that had dialogue at the start of the essay. Your writing suffers from transition problems because you do not know how to properly ease the reader into the events unfolding int he essay. In this case, describe what you where doing and why before you present the dialogue at the beginning. Then use a transitory sentence at the end to mark a shift in the upcoming paragraph content. Then, again, prepare the reader for the events that you are about to talk about by giving an explanation of how the two events are connected in relation to the essay prompt. Doing so will remove the confusion that currently plagues anyone who reads this current form of the essay. There are also some grammar problems that need to be addressed but I will not point those out to you yet because you still have to work on the transitory sentences and creating a bridge sentence between the paragraphs. Grammar errors can be corrected once we have settled the content and format of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / Walking around the top observation deck of the Eiffel Tower in Paris, I realized my dream [4]

Karen, you have to understand that this event only marked a change in perspective. It did not represent a total move into adulthood for you. The move into adulthood would have been better represented had you chosen to discuss your opinion changing experiences while in Paris instead of opting to discuss your background. the community you come from and your blindness in one eye are all human interest stories that belong in a separate and highly different prompt The existence of those tales in your essay are what changed the direction of your writing. Try to rewrite the essay from a "global citizen" perspective, using the travel experience, the interaction with Parisians, learning about world cultures and how it relates to your development as a person in order to better mark a transitory event and experience. While the essay prompt seems to be asking you to discuss one or the other, the truth is that you cannot write about an experience without writing about an event. In this case, it would your realization of being a global person (event) in relation to the eye opening adventures (experience) you had in Paris. We can spin it to adhere to the prompt since that is the story that you want to use for this essay :-)

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]

We just need to clean up the essay and the grammar that you used to make it work better. Try this version:

I come from a low income community where the local government lacks funding for their basic community projects. Since the main problem of our community was the lack of funding to repair the road potholes, you can imagine how inconvenienced all of the residents were. Despite being a poor community, my friends and I were able to rally the residents to donate towards the purchase of sand for the filling of the potholes. We filled the holes and in the process helped our community improve its transportation. I learned that we have the ability to solve our problems ourselves, without relying on other people for everything or anything in our lives.

Undergraduate / I was daydreaming about a typical, everyday routine of a high school student - Homeschool Background [3]

Lillian, I have long admired the parents who take the time to home school their children and I admire the children even greater because they do not allow the monkey see, monkey do influence of their peers influence them to go to a regular school. You have taken one of the best educational avenues that a student can have and it shows in the maturity that is reflected in your essay. This is an excellent central identity prompt answer that allows you to shine a light not only on your personality, but also on the unique way that you developed into a person. In my opinion, your work in this essay is quite good and properly adheres to the prompt requirements. This is a very unique central identity essay that you should be very proud to add to your application documents :-)

Writing Feedback / Should parents interfere in any money-spending decision of their kids? [2]

Phuong, though your essay is too wordy, it has actually answered the prompt provided. You could have actually discussed this essay in a more direct manner going directly to the heart of the topic which is the parent's responsibility to teach their children all about fiscal / money responsibility at an early age. Then you could have explained why it is essential that parents teach the children how to wisely save and spend based upon historic reasons such as learning to save for what they want to own by working for it, saving so that they can help pay for their college education, or even starting their own business. Don't get me wrong though, your essay works quite well. It just needs to be cleaned up grammatically and given an editing to bring down the word count because the essay could have been discussed in a quicker manner.

Undergraduate / Keep on Fighting! You're almost there. - UC Prompt #2 [4]

Olivia, the first thing you should remember is that before you post your prompt response, you should first give us a copy of the prompt you are supposed to be answering. Otherwise, it will be next to impossible to properly analyze, review, and advice you regarding the content of your essay. At this point, only a general review can be made regarding the content, grammar, and descriptiveness of your essay. We cannot tell you how well you answered the prompt, or, if you answered the prompt properly.

The essay is kind of confusing to read because you jump from an unnamed competition to a description of a tennis competition (which is unclear whether you participated in it or not), and then other stories that do not seem related to one another. There is a lack of cohesion and clarity in the message of your essay. That problem exists even before I know what the prompt you are trying to answer is so I am sure that once I find out what the prompt is, I will be able to guide you towards centering the essay and properly answering the prompt. Please upload it soon. Thanks :-)

Essays / What problem that students are facing with? [6]

Hunyi, the best way to discuss this essay is to analyze the top problems that students are faced with in school. These problems normally consist of:

1. Peer pressure / lack of social skills
2. Academic demands regarding performance and grades
3. Parental control over activities
4. Inability to cope with multitasking requirements of their classes.

If you use one paragraph to discuss each topic, you should be able to properly address the requirements of the essay.

Writing Feedback / I was like every child in my community [16]


- Adeyemi, your answer does not suit the prompt. You should have responded to this with an event that happened in your life that helped your community. Perhaps you have some volunteer activities that could depict such an event? Or you had a friend or neighbor whom you were able to help in their time of need? Those are some topics that normally find its way as answers in such prompt questions :-)

Aside from the problem with your answer in question 2, the rest of your answers suit the prompts very well. There are some grammar problems that need to be addressed but I would rather save that for later, after you have fixed your answer to question 2 :-)

Undergraduate / My intended major - economy in Shanghai, China [5]

Jiseung, your experience perfectly answers the essay prompt. It has a number of grammatical errors and can actually be shortened in certain paragraphs but I would like to first see how you can revise the essay to become shorter. The ebay portion is a bit too long and could use with some cutting down. In its place, I would like you to write a paragraph that presents the way your interest really developed in Economics. State some of the questions that ran through your head as you observed the market place in China and S. Korea. What made you think that the world economy would expand without limits? What made you realize that economics is an important part of a globalized world? I have some more suggestions to make for this essay but I want to see how you will include the answers to the questions I pointed out first. Don't worry about the length. I can help you bring it down to the correct word count once we have finalized the content :-)

Undergraduate / I come from a family that was socially classified as different, and was therefore looked down [2]

Jonep, the essay is really all over the place right now and I am not sure about how I can help you out. Mainly because I have no idea about what story you are trying to tell. You need to provide the personal statement prompt that you are trying to answer so that your essay can be better reviewed and analyzed. Remember, we can't help you if we don't know what the problem is :-) Please upload the essay prompt to this thread as soon as you can so that we can have a guide for reviewing the essay. Right now I can tell that you are trying to express something about your world, your community, and your family relationships. I am just not sure which of the prompts that are often answered this way you are trying to answer. So be specific and share the prompt with us as soon as possible :-)

Undergraduate / My dad and communities struggles have shaped my dreams and aspirations - UC Prompt #2 [5]

Bryan, you have succeeded in describing a unique world. It is a world that you share with your father and other members of your community. By being so descriptive and emotional, you have shown us the true reasons behind your drive to succeed in life. Your desire to improve yourself and rise above your station in life i clearly evident as having been shaped by your life experiences in the world that you come from. It is nice to read about your struggles in your world and how you have managed to overcome those obstacles before you. The language is simplistic but effective. You have managed to use less words but say a lot more about you and your world. This is a very good effort at writing this essay that needs very little changes. The only thing I would like to see is less information about your dad and more information about your work and personal relationship with him in relation to the world that you belong to.

Undergraduate / The world I come from is practically non-existent -- visually, at least; Neuroscience UC Prompt #1 [8]

I am not sure what you mean by internship because there was nothing relating to work experience in the essay that you wrote. You were pretty much set in only your grandmother's apartment and the world that you created for yourself there. The essay is quite descriptive in my opinion and really brings the reader into your world. Almost begging that we close our eyes to become sightless in order to get a feel of what it is truly like to be in your world. It is well written and descriptive so you can relax and be confident in the work you have done :-) I am not saying that just to make you feel good. Believe me, if there were something wrong with the content, I would have pointed it out the first time you posted this thread :-)

Undergraduate / I come from a world of fantasy - The World that inspired me is the Anime World. [7]

This is definitely one of the best versions of this essay. I found some places where you can revise the content though. I believe these are the additional sentences that you put into the essay.


- That became the catalyst, the foundation, for my love of robots and robotics.


- ... interested in the show's...


- ... love for robotics .


- Ithought to myself


-While I thought...


- While I did not realize it at the tender age of 10, I had developed a career goal -- to become an engineer.

Check out how the changes I suggested work for you. It seems to make the paragraphs sound better in my opinion :-)

Undergraduate / "Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing" Cornell Essay help [7]

Excellent work Daniel! As far as I am concerned, this essay well reflects the requirements of a prompt in an interesting and highly imaginative manner. My opinion is that this essay is ready to submit if you are ready to submit it. This is as ready for use as it can be. However, my opinion could be slightly or highly different from yours. I hope that you also feel that it is ready to submit. If you think there are still parts we can work on, let me know which parts you want to improve and I'll work with you on fixing it up :-) Be confident in what your instinct tells you and I will be here to support and help you.

Undergraduate / The world I come from is practically non-existent -- visually, at least; Neuroscience UC Prompt #1 [8]

This is a very involving essay about the world that you come from Fatimah. You successfully take us into the world of darkness or semi-darkness that you exist in while offering us a clear idea of how your situation in life and your environment helped shape the person you have become. In effect, you managed to establish a solid point of reference regarding the growth of your traits, goals, and ambitions in life in an unexpected manner. It is admirable to see that you have thought outside of the box with this essay by using your poor vision or lack of sight to help establish the world that you come from. It shows the kind of admirable inner strength you have which will definitely help you become a success in life. Are there any areas of concern in the essay that you wrote that you want me to concentrate on in this review?

Undergraduate / "Studying history is important to me because history is all-encompassing" Cornell Essay help [7]

Daniel, you mentioned science, continual history and advancement in technology as a part of the ever evolving world of human history. I suggest a little adjustment to the anecdote that includes a representation of those fields. That way your later statement indicating those fields have an actual connection to the anecdote that you used :-) It would also help if we knew what you were thinking or feeling during the time that you were participating in the story. Show the child or teenager like understanding of what was going on and how it affected your intense interest in history :-)

Graduate / Rainbow nation child - Diversity Essay [10]

I know that you did not mean to offend anyone which is why I warned you about it and advised you to change it :-) You can keep the food reference if you want to. However, I feel that we should address the cultural difference between you and your Korean American boyfriend or at your school. The essay just feels like it pays too much attention to diversity and offers very little in terms of cultural differences. Normally, the cultural difference is often highlighted by a story that shows how two people with two different cultural background find a halfway point of common point of interest that eventually helps them get along in this diverse world. Do you have any experience that can point that out in the essay for you?