Writing Feedback / The effects of cheaper flights - IELTS Essay [7]

- Reza, you forgot to state your opinion. Remember, according to the prompt, you are supposed to discuss both views and present your point of view. So you need to state that from the introductory point of the essay along with the positive and negative opinions.


- Reza, the proper way to discuss in an essay is one topic per paragraph. So you need to start a new paragraph for this subject and offer a little more insight into your reasoning for this belief.

- Again, you need to talk about the pollution as a separate paragraph. By the way, I don't see your personal opinion anywhere in the essay. You discussed both points of view, but your voice, your opinion has not been heard. The essay prompt is clear, you need to discuss both sides of the issue then discuss the third side, your point of view. You need to do that in order to make this an essay that properly addresses the prompt.


- You cannot present your point of view as part of the conclusion. That is a violation of the essay writing rules. No new ideas may be introduced in the conclusion. So discuss your point of view as a separate paragraph then write the conclusion. The conclusion should only state the prompt again, a summary of the facts, and your opinion should be again presented as the closing statement.

Writing Feedback / Minimum age (21) of legal drinking has not saved as many lives by itself as once thought [2]

M.G. the reason that you are unable to write the body of this essay properly is because you have not properly outlined the discussion for this paper. Without an outline format of your essay, it will be difficult for you to keep track of what to discuss and when. A sample outline for your paper follows:

I. History of Underage Drinking
A. Underage drinking in colonial times
B. Under age drinking in the 20th century
C. Under age drinking in the 21st century
II. Problems Related to Under Age Drinking
A. Road accidents
B. Alcohol Addiction
C. Alcohol Overdose
III.Proposals to Lower the Drinking Age
A. In support
B. In opposition
IV. Reasons to Lower the Drinking Age to 18
A. Negative effects
B. Positive effects
V. Conclusion

If you do a similar outline for your paper, you should be able to write the essay with minimal problems. You already have the complete sources and that, is half the work done already :-) You just need to know where to place what information and why.

Undergraduate / Growing up with an orphan - background or story vs identity essay [7]

Saiara, you did an excellent job of paralleling your story with Raiyan's. It showed how your actions provided benefits to both of you that were central to the development of both your identities. However, I would do as Lauren advised and concentrate more on the effects of your actions in protecting and helping your cousin in the context of how it helped you further developed your skills and character traits. Explaining how waning to protect him helped you develop your ability to empathize with people and assist them with their trials in life would be a nice touch to the essay. Try to concentrate on yourself more than Raiyan. I understand that the story parallels but there are ways to tell your story while only skimming over your cousin's. Try doing that so that the essay will improve content-wise :-)

Writing Feedback / The effective leader should try to make other members feel that they are part of decisions. [2]

Gaiyaunqi, Alina meant to say "Initiative" and not "Insiative". Having read your essay though, I believe that you should not be presenting a debate about the issue but rather, be supporting the statement in such a way that you present all of the positive aspects of "Inclusive" leadership. This is the type of leadership that allows for team participation in the decision making process, while leaving the command responsibility for the final outcome with the leader of the group. Meaning, if the whole group succeeds, then the group gains merits, recognition, and awards. The leader gains the image of an effective leader. Should the group fail, then only the leader is held responsible for its failure because he was unable to guide the group towards a successful outcome. The group members though, deal with the disappointment of losing. There are always 2 main points of reward and suffering in a team effort and a leader should know how to impart those results to the team in order to inspire them. By presenting these two main components of decision making results, you will be able to present a more coherent and relevant discussion regarding the prompt provided. Those are the two main reasons that effective leaders need to make other team members feel that they are a part of the decision making process as well.

Undergraduate / Challenge a Belief (suicidal friend) - College Essay [3]

Bhatz, I would start off the essay by presenting a friendship quote along the lines of "Friends don't betray friends" or "Friends don't throw friends under the bus". A quick Google search for friendship quotes should help you with that. After finding the right quote relating to friendship and betrayal, you can then explain how you were forced to challenge this belief or idea. Present us with an overview of YOUR friendship with Kate. State everything from your point of view and then relate the suicidal tendencies and the actions that you took because you had to challenge the belief or idea set by the quote. By approaching the essay from that standpoint, you will be able to better address the prompt requirements and relate the essay more towards your side of the story rather than hers.

Writing Feedback / Headaches suffered by the residents of Mentia - GRE / Argument [5]

Kasra, we need to clean up the grammar of your essay. It is a strong argument but weakens because of your weak command of the English language. Please note my grammar corrections as follows:


- The author has based his conclusion that the residents of Mentia will suffer less headaches in 20 years because of the expected decrease in the use of Salicylates. However, should the upward trend continue, then the continued use of the drug will result in an increased percentage of headaches for Mentians. I find it hard to accept his conclusion because a number of supporting evidences were lacking when he presented his report.


- One of the reasons that I cannot accept his assumptions is because he did not provide adequate information about the previous study done which produced the results he mentioned. Without a clear idea as to how many people participated in the program, and what the resulting ratio of users to non users was, it will be difficult to validate his results. There is no clear idea as to whether this refers to the population in general, is gender specific, or if it is based on a separate set of determinants which was not mentioned in the report. Therefore there is no clear understanding as to how the people of Mentia would truly respond to a decrease in Salicylate use.


- Another reason, is that the writer zeroes in on salicylates as the main cause of the headaches when the people may also be taking other medications that have a calming effect on the body and thus, cannot attribute the decrease in headaches to Salicylates use alone. Once we know what the main cause of the headaches are, what alternative medicines are being used, and how the effects of the environment, such as air pollution, contribute to the headaches of the people, we will be able to better determine the effectiveness of the drug in treating headaches.


- The suggestion that Salicylates be added to the food manufacturing process is also questionable. No studies were presented with results pertaining to such a claim, neither has a statement from the Food and Drug administration been sought in order to give credence to such assumptions on the part of the writer.


- Due to the lack of supporting evidence, as indicated by my questions pertaining to the results of the study, one can conclude that the study in its current form, should not be accepted as factual and be made a basis for any medical decision regarding the headaches that the people of Mentia are suffering from now, or in the future.

Undergraduate / Neurodegenerative disease and its impact on a person - Washington and Lee Essay [4]

Lauren, I find this essay to be in direct answer to the prompt. You were able to provide the reason for your wish to promote the effects of neurodegenerative diseases to people in an effort to learn more about how to combat the illness. You were compelling in your desire to learn more about the illness, but I felt that it was lacking in the forward thinking aspect because you did not mention how you planned to promote your cause to the public once you become a doctor. I believe the essay would also benefit from that information if you can provide it. It does not not have to be a solid plan, an overview will do.

I would like you to note your tone of voice on the essay though. It should always be friendly and approachable, non-combative. By saying


you are offering a contradiction in your personality, you cannot be amiable by "reaching out" and then suddenly become "demanding". Rather, once you "reach out" to people, you should follow it up with "strong requests" at the most. Do you see the way the tone of the essay will remain soft by changing the word "demanded" ? It should help keep the essay smooth and non-engaging.

I sincerely hope that you will consider my suggestions for the betterment of your essay :-)

Writing Feedback / I followed several organizations to increase my knowledge about Petroleum Geology - Royal Holloway [3]

Andi, please tell your friend that her letter is alright for a draft but needs to be edited for content. A statement of purpose is supposed to be informative in the following way:

1. It provides information about your current work position and experience;
2. It gives a brief employment history of the most important work positions held;
3. Discusses the short term (3-5) year career plan of the person;
4. Discusses the long term (6-10) year career plan of the person;
5. Closes by discussing how the MBA can help the person achieve those goals. Specifically mentioning a field of study or project that the person wishes to work on while attending the MBA studies.

It is important that your friend represent his or her interests in advancing the field of geophysics in a clear way. Right now, the essay speaks a lot of the past work experiences but has no view towards the future. The listing I provided above will allow your friend to develop an SOP that adheres to the most frequently used criteria or template for writing an SOP and should make the paper more interesting and relevant towards the enrollment application.

Graduate / After the nuclear meltdown happened , I shockingly viewed the #Fukushima trend on twitter [8]

Vincen, look out for punctuation errors within the essay. You started off your paragraph with an unfinished quotation mark. I was wondering if you are a fresh college graduate? The reason I ask is because you are referring to an academic rather than professional work experience as the inspiration for your desire to complete and MBA. Normally, people who apply for an MBA are already professionals who enroll in masters studies because it is required by their current positions in order to advance to the next promotional level. While your experience with the U.N. Model Nations is a good experience to relate your interests to, I feel that it does not represent the true professional experience that would inspire an MBA enrollment. The UN model nations was conducted under a highly controlled environment that you did not really have direct control over. You had other people in full control of the event so you dealt with minor problems at the most. This is most certainly not VP for marketing profession experience. A vice president for marketing would be dealing with real life business situations on a day to day basis. Not a twitter trend. If you noticed, you always spoke in plural form in the essay, saying "we" for every aspect of the project that you worked on. Therefore, you were not alone in this undertaking and thus, cannot prove that you have the mettle to handle the future position you are aspiring to. My advice is to find another professional experience to use with this essay. One that truly shows you aptitude for marketing on a professional rather than academic level in order to show how you truly work under pressure and what real world experiences have contributed to your ambition to complete an MBA.

Writing Feedback / Effect of popular events on our life [8]

As for your use of words and phrases, you have the ability to express yourself in English. Your thoughts and intentions are only clouded in the translation of the sentences from your native tongue into English. That is something that you can work on developing over time with every essay that you write. Don't forget that English writing is a skill that cannot be developed overnight. The foundation in yours case, is there and is quite strong. It just needs to be honed and directed in the proper manner :-) If you are planning to revise the content of this essay then do so and post it here. I will advise you regarding the correct usage of words and correct any grammar errors then :-)

Graduate / "Accomplishments lie within the reach of those who reach beyond themselves" - SOP [7]


- Sam, you need to use the actual names of the companies or places where you worked in order to give credibility to your essay. I am not saying that the admissions officer will double check on that information. Just that by indicating the names of places you worked at and people you worked with, specially if they are notable names, you will be able to strengthen the claims that you are making in your essay about your programming prowess.Mention some of the freelance PHP projects that you worked on and supply the url if the website still exists and your coding is still in use. It gives it an air of credibility which is very important in these essays.


- Much better :-)


- Considering that you do not have any notable academic achievements of your own to present within this essay, I would refrain from mentioning this. It makes one wonder why you were not able to achieve more academically. We do not want the academic officer to be questioning your academic abilities so don't give him an opening to do so :-)

Undergraduate / Explain how Kalamazoo College's approach to education will help you explore your ideas [17]

- This should become your first paragraph because it carries your intention of studying at Kalamazoo with a definite mode of study indicated which is based upon their academic teaching strategy. That makes this paragraph highly effective and eye catching.

- This is a secondary paragraph because it generalizes how you will be able to advance your academic and social skills using the other programs available at the university. The closing statement remains the same.

Now flip around the paragraphs using the format I indicated and then read it over. See if there are any changes or additions you want to apply before I come in with my own suggestions of revisions and edits. That way we save you one editing movement :-)

Essays / truth, hope, despair, faith, and hate - Definition essay [2]

Shelton, when I write definition essays, I often start with the basic definition from the dictionary and then present my personal definition of the word depending upon how it applies to the past or present events in my life. By using my personal experience as a basis, I am able to present a unique definition of the words given to me by the teacher. This is what she meant by picking up a lens. You need to see the definition of the words on a far deeper basis than just the simple dictionary explanation. Learn to find the presence of the word in your life and discover how you can explain it to other people in those terms. That is how you write a definition essay. You could simply use your own understanding of the word to explain it or you can explain it by using personal experiences as part of your personal definition. Either way, a definition essay uses more than just the dictionary or encyclopedia explanation of a word or term. It is an explanation that comes from within you and your understanding of the word based upon your own terms.

Undergraduate / "A Ladder" - My name is Alina and the age doesn't matter. Welcome to my world [4]

Alina, I know that you are capable of editing the punctuation mistakes in this essay on your own so I won't point it out for you. Just review the essay and you will see where your obvious mistakes are, then correct it :-) As for cutting out certain parts of this essay, I will be making suggestions as to where that can be done. If yo ulet me know what the word count is, I might be able to better cut down the paragraphs for you.

My main advice for now though, is to cut out the redundancy of saying "My name is Alina...' There is no sense in constantly reintroducing yourself in an essay. Since you are telling us about your age ladder as these events happened to you, simply say, When I was..." or "I was...". You could even say "At the age of...". or even "By the time I was..." There are more variations to introducing yourself than you think that don't require the same, long character count phrase that eats into your word count.



- leisure activity .


- We were beaten ...
- Stop saying IDt, nobody understands that acronym except you. Simply say, "team", that is a word everyone understands and applies to all teams in general. You only need to mention ID once.


- You need to rephrase this paragraph. You specifically mentioned that you were allowed to join even though you were no longer a first time participant. So reflect that in the essay. The reason this paragraph got lost is because of your insistence at constantly introducing yourself at the start of every new paragraph. That is what is causing this essay so many problems. I will not reword this part. Do it yourself and I will let you know if it works :-) I am trying to develop your creativity in word paraphrasing.

You need to stop rehashing information such as the decathlon team and your participation in "Civilization" because you have already mentioned those activities and explained these to death in other essay prompts. So the admissions officer has other sources for information about those things. He will not take kindly to the constant mention of those two activities in your essay because it shows that you definitely do not have any other talent or accomplishments in life. Which will definitely limit your abilities as a student. So talk about something else. Something non-academic that you can present to them. Do not fall back on the death of your landlord either. Every essay needs to present some new information or facet of your personality in order to be effective as a part of the collective common app essays.

Writing Feedback / Repairing our current roads would lead to many positive consequences [6]

Why are you arguing points in an essay that is not asking you to debate an issue? It is simply asking you to discuss the one thing in your hometown that you would like to change and explain why you want to change it. You were to use examples to support your claim. You chose 2 things that you want to change in your town instead of one. Read your essay prompt again and then review your essay. You will see that you accidentally presented 2 issues that you want to change in your town instead of one. Your reason about wanting to repair the roads is not a supporting reason but a secondary reason that you are discussing. If you were to discuss only one thing to change in your hometown and explain why, then choose the road because of the improvement in the economy that it will bring instead of the museum. When you choose the museum and then have to discuss the roads in support of it, you end up choosing 2 things to change in the town, not one :-)

Undergraduate / Today young people don't have to be afraid of fierce competitions and face of challenges bravely. [3]

Ding, you need to practice expressing yourself properly in English. Your sentences are quite weak and do not have any ability to clearly explain your points of reason. I think I was able to deduce some reasoning from your statements so I will try to restate your essay below in a more coherent manner. I hope that it will help you understand and learn how to properly develop your sentences and paragraphs in the future. I am almost sure that this is for the TOEFL practice test so you have time to practice and get to that level of coherence and expression in the English language :-)


- It is common knowledge that the factors needed to succeed these days include knowledge, good interpersonal relationships, and financial support. These conditions were hard to come by in previous generations but seem to be in over supply for the new generation of young people.


- Education is more easily acquired these days due to the abundance of scholarships and student loans. A college education is no longer limited to the people from families that can afford to send their children to school. Even those who do not have the money to acquire a formal education can achieve a sense of education through some simple keystrokes in Google, thus providing some free education to those who don't have the money but wish to gain information about topics of interest to them. That is why these days, a formal education is not necessarily required in order to get ahead in the business world or career-wise.


- While more challenges face the new generation of young people, it is still easier for them to achieve success compared to the previous generations because of the programs in place meant to help them succeed in life.

Writing Feedback / Compulsory Service and why is Necessary in the U.S. [2]

Tia, the essay is good, but it centers on only one reason for the need or benefit of compulsory military service in the U.S. There are actually a number of other facets that you can discuss which would further establish the benefits of compulsory service aside from economic and mental conditioning benefits. One of the main reasons that compulsory military service would benefit the United States is because it would help to build the character and leadership skills of the youth. These days, the young people think themselves too economically privileged and above certain menial jobs that they need to be taught how the other side lives. This is something that can be learned through compulsory service. It helps to rebuild character and discipline in the young which they can carry with them into the civilian world, after the completion of their service. You could have taken a look back at the history of the United States, whose hey day as a super power was developed during the time when the young men of the country were drafted into service. Their future presidents, economic leaders, and other important leaders had something that helped them develop their skills, military service. All of them were bred to become future leaders with an eye towards the future during the time that the draft was in effect. By using some of the good points that were established by the draft, you could have given more varied reasons to support the compulsory military service at present. Do some research, you will see that there are more than just 2 basic points that can provide excellent reasons for the return of the draft or compulsory military service.

Undergraduate / Throughout life, everyone is forced to encounter obstacles that may seem impossible to overcome [4]

Morgan, on the contrary, this essay is not a cliche because it did not end in the divorce of your parents. Instead, it showed the resiliency of your relationship as a family and offered us an insight into the lessons that you learned during this tumultuous time in your life. I would advice that you shorten your introduction though. You have spent too much time introducing the topic and not enough time on developing the paragraph about the lessons that you learned from the experience. You should work more on developing those lessons on a per paragraph basis in order to better answer the prompt. Once you have completed those changes, we can work on fixing the grammatical problems that exist in the essay :-)

Graduate / What are your specific post-MBA short-term and long-term goals? Why Smith? Why an MBA? Why now? [20]


- Sam, the reason I quoted this text is because I feel that it should be your introductory paragraph. Showing that you failed but have not lost hope establishes the fact that you are looking towards having a more definite direction for your career over the coming years. It clearly establishes the purpose for your application for an MBA as well. That is why this paragraph needs to be the highlight of your essay.

Let's try to read the essay with the new introduction and see if it works the way I feel it should :-) Let me know what you think of the new paragraph order as well.

Undergraduate / My Unique schooling story [3]

Dominique, aside from the punctuation problems that Morgan pointed out, your essay also suffers from lack of content, focus, and direction. It is almost like you did not really give much thought to writing this essay. We can help you fine tune the essay and give it more content but we first need to know what particular prompt you are trying to answer. That way we can suggest topics and themes for you to choose from which can help you in developing a more centered / focused essay. Don't be afraid to let us in on the prompt. We are here to help you out :-) You are supposed to tell a unique story about your schooling, so we need to find something in your past school experiences that could be considered as such. Is there any exciting experience that stands out for you? We can help you spin that into a unique story for this essay. Let's see what we can do to help you out :-)

Undergraduate / Explain how Kalamazoo College's approach to education will help you explore your ideas [17]

Pratibha, I read thread number 5. I am still not sure about what I am supposed to review it for you because you posted one thread after another. I'd appreciate a push in the right direction prompt-wise so that I will know how to approach advising you :-) Both essays are quite good and can actually be used for common prompts, depending upon the question being asked. You really need to give me a clue about the prompts that you are answering when you post the essays :-) I look forward to finding out what the prompt is so that I can better advise you on how to further improve it.

Undergraduate / Encouraged to test a spectrum of activities - including dance, softball, basketball, choir, and art. [3]

Morgan, your essay is takes us on an interesting trip down your life and development as a person. Knowing that you have a well rounded development and exposure to activities that help you develop your character and abilities is always a plus in these types of essays. However, you haven't clearly made the connection between the activity that you participated in and the way that it can help you achieve your future goals. For example, if you say that Karate taught you all about discipline and self reliance, connect that to your future as an employee who knows how to work with minimal supervision, or something along those lines. That way you get to show exactly how your current abilities have allowed you to create a foundation for a successful career in the future.

Writing Feedback / Effect of popular events on our life [8]

Shaimaa, is this a TOEFL response practice essay? The reason I ask is because it seems like you wrote this essay under time constraint. Which led to a poorly developed essay because you failed to thoroughly discuss the topic presented. You spent too much time on your introduction. Instead of simply following the IBC method of essay writing which dictates that you simply restate the prompt along with an overview of the discussion and your opinion on the topic, you went on and on about discussing events on a superficial level. Generalizing the essay makes it very informal and shows a rush in writing it. There was not much analysis involved in writing it because you went for the obvious reasons rather than using personalized examples which would have helped the reader understand your own personal understanding of the prompt. I believe that the essay would have benefited from your using the effects of popular events on your personal life. For example, when there is a holiday or international event in your country, how does your personal life change? Does it affect your personal life on a positive or negative aspect? You could have actually discussed the essay from that angle and provided a stronger argument for yourself in the essay.

Undergraduate / Female Characters in Video Games - Common App Essay #1 [10]

Natalie, I think you have aced this essay :-) It comes across as highly informative about your passion for video games but went beyond that by showing how these games helped you develop an analytical personality that recognizes social and identity problems veiled within the world of video games as well. The fact that you drew something positive out of the experience shows that you know how to extract learning experiences from situations that people would not normally be able to identify or identify with. I would certainly consider this experience as one that helped you define who you are. Specially since it clearly helps the reader to understand how your mindset developed from the experience. I believe that the essay is ready to be used. If you are as confident as I am, then you should go ahead and use the essay already. Otherwise, we can work on it until you feel it is ready :-)

Undergraduate / I have had a passion for helping people to improve their quality of life since I was thirteen [2]

Christine, I believe that your essay would be best served y personalizing the experience that led to your decision to become a physical therapist. In the portion where you mention that you are an outdoor enthusiast and roller derby participant, you should mention the kinds of injuries that you had and the kind of physical therapy that you had to undergo. These experiences would show a more than average familiarity with the inner workings of a PT, a kind that cannot be gained by simply shadowing other therapists during their rounds. By discussing your desire to become a PT on a more personal level, you will be able to make the connection that for you, PT is not just a career but a vocation, a calling that you cannot ignore because it has become a part of your life. Due to the fact that you had to undergo physical therapy yourself, you can explain that by becoming a PT you hope to be able to help the others who need the help as well. It is a way of giving back on your part which would make you stand out and set you apart from other Physical Therapists.

Graduate / "Accomplishments lie within the reach of those who reach beyond themselves" - SOP [7]

Sam, reading the way that you wrote this essay tells me that you are simply an average student who dabbles in computer programming. You don't have an extra ordinary talent to present in the field, nor do you present any accolades or awards for your programming achievements. You really down played rather than played up your participation in various programming endeavors. I would suggest that you spice up your essay and make it sound more exciting in order to entice the reader. Right now, the essay is not interesting at all to read. Rather than simply saying that your GIT program was well received, you should play that up by presenting it in a unique manner that makes you sound like you accomplished something truly important and worthy of attention from your peers. Wordpress and Photoshop usage does not necessarily make an impression since those are programs that anybody can learn to use. Play up your software development aspect. Show a side of you in relation to programming that is unique and notable. That is the only way to gain the attention of the admissions officer.

Writing Feedback / Repairing our current roads would lead to many positive consequences [6]

Vns, again, you misunderstood the essay prompt. You mentioned 2 things that you want to change about your hometown, you are only supposed to discuss one aspect of the town that you feel is most important and thus needs to be changed or rehabilitated. Choose only one between the two changes you discussed, make sure you choose the one most important to you and then develop that point completely within the essay. 3 paragraphs should suffice for that discussion. Don't forget to write an effective conclusion to the essay. Remember, either you write about the need to improve the roads or the need to preserve the historic parts of your town. You can't write about both.

Graduate / I witness numbers of people being rude or mistreating others - outrages [3]

Maureen, you are kind of going in all directions at once in your introduction. That will make it difficult for your to develop your essay properly. I suggest choosing only the one topic that outrages you the most when it comes to seeing it happen in front of your and then discussing that. Make sure to develop your plan of action from the start. Meaning how you felt when you first witnessed such an event, what you felt that you had to do about it, and what you actually did. Then work your way up to your current status of observing the same trend getting worse over the years and what you plan to do about it in the future. That should be a good start for a working draft :-) It will also help if you can post the completed essay, even if it is in disarray in this thread so we can get a clearer idea of what and how you are trying to discuss the topic.

Graduate / Life stages are a natural part of life - Statement of Intent; Speech Pathology MA [3]

Hanhn, there are some portions of your essay that can do with some revision or additional work. Please refer to my comments below :-)

Life stages are a natural part of life. Preparing for ...

- This introductory statement would have been more effective if you had used speech impediments as a hook. Explain your understanding of life stages in terms of speech development and how these stages are sometimes disrupted by speech problems at an early age. Then explain that these are part of the reasons why you chose to enter the world of speech pathology and why you feel that you now need a masters degree in order to deal with the more complicated cases coming your way.

I took a course called CSD 317M Communication with the Multi-Disabled

- Cut back on your trilingual experience and expand instead on the aforementioned course because it directly relates to speech pathology, shows your interest progression, and the need for your advanced studies after college.

At present, I am a speech language pathologist-assistant at Resource Therapy Center. I plan over 24 sessions with patients on a weekly basis from the Spanish-English bilingual community in Pasadena, TX in a clinical setting. My most interesting case is addressing the needs of a 3-year-old boy that had moderate to severe speech impairment, a language delay, and attention deficits. After a year of speech therapy, he is now enrolled in a preschool for two days a week. His mother reports progress that he is able to play more appropriately at home. Moreover at school, she reported that he attends to structured tasks for at least 10 minutes, and is able to follow directions with moderate cues. I believe that my professional experience in working with children played a part in improving his communication, however I know that the graduate course offerings at your university will take me to the next level in helping more children like this young boy.

- Before reporting the results, tell us how you treated this child first. What was your therapy plan? How did he respond? Then talk about how effective it was in the treatment of the child. This way we can get a grasp of your professional abilities in an active case setting.

Let's modify these portions for now and see if there will be any parts that need to be further developed in relation to the updated version :-)

Undergraduate / Prosperity. What makes a country prosper? Application Essay for HKUST - PERSONAL STATEMENT [4]

A business student should have an interest in economics and the way that business works from the small enterprise all the way to the corporate conglomerates. He needs to have an interest in mergers, acquisitions, supply chain, management, and business technologies. The personality of a business student in my opinion would be that of one who sees more than just dollar signs and economic advancement for himself. He is a person who sees how the world is changing because of the way that people interact with one another through business. This creates his desire to develop a business model, plan, or opportunity for himself and others that can help society further evolve in terms of cooperation and unity among people of the same interests and needs in life.

Now that I have given you my opinion on the question, can you tell me what you took away from it? How can you apply it to your current essay question? Post your response here so we can help you develop your essay answer further :-)

Undergraduate / Explain how Kalamazoo College's approach to education will help you explore your ideas [17]

Prabitha, this essay is highly confusing to read. You go from meditation, you something that was either a dream or an actual event, then the mention of something sad (details are needed), and then an explanation that the man was a landlord and not a real blood relative. If you want this essay to be more effective, you need to stop trying to be creative and instead, just present the facts as needed. That way the reader gets a clear idea of what you are trying to discuss instead of guessing about what is going on and how the events relate to one another. Clarity is important in any essay, more so when it is a common app that is supposed to teach us more about you as a person. Truthfully, I do not get how his death became a turning point in your life. If you presented it in the essay, it became quite vague. Do you think you have room for a revision? I really think the essay has potential, it just needs to be rewritten for clarity purposes :-) BTW, I already responded to your other essay, I guess you have not seen it yet? It is about the woman carrying a child on her shoulder right?

Graduate / What are your specific post-MBA short-term and long-term goals? Why Smith? Why an MBA? Why now? [20]

Sam, you need to work your way backwards with a Statement of Purpose, which is what you need for an MBA application. The thing about an MBA is that you need to present your future goals first and then work your way backwards in order to show that you have first, the proper work experience that requires these types of advanced studies, and second, you need to show that you have the academic background to back up your claim that you are qualified for further studies in this field. From the looks of what you enumerated, that should not be a problem for you to accomplish.

The reason for your MBA is that you have background in the Supply or Operations management field due to your 6 year work experience as an SAP LM consultant, be sure to name the company and the work you did for them during your time there. After that, you can mention taking off on your own and the failed experience that you had. I would not mention the online math teaching job as it is irrelevant to your application. After stating the information that I suggested, you can then explain that you fully intend to continue to work in the business management field but you understand that even business technologies change at a rapid pace these days, hence the need for your retraining through higher learning.

That is what I can think of for starters. I may be able to help you adjust the essay once you finish a draft and post it here :-)

Undergraduate / Throughout life, everyone is forced to encounter obstacles that may seem impossible to overcome [4]

Morgan, the story of your dog's battle with Lyme disease is a very touching human interest story that will tug t the heart of any pet lover. However, it does not apply to this essay prompt mainly because you were not personally involved in the treatment of the dog. As the instruction states, you need to provide an event in your life that forced you to overcome an obstacle using your personal qualities in terms of skills and resources. In this case, going from vet to vet and administering medication is not the same. In more ways than one, this is a shallow essay that uses a touching event to show that you will use other people's skills and resources to solve a problem rather than your own. The essay is trying to get you to talk about your problem solving skills in relation to your own complicated issues. So try to pick an event from your life that actually forced you to develop your problem solving skill and discuss that. Again, this essay is a very nice essay, it just does not provide the kind of answer that the prompts requires you to present, which is why it needs to be changed :-)

Undergraduate / Explain how Kalamazoo College's approach to education will help you explore your ideas [17]

Pratibha, I am not sure about how to comment on what you wrote. It seems to be based on a totally different prompt from what we were originally reviewing in this thread. Am I right? If that is the case, please give us a copy of the new prompt so that we can better review the essay. It seems to be based upon a highly personal experience and contains some very interesting but overly dramatic information about your personal life. We need to review the content in order to make sure that it adheres to the prompt. The last thing you want to do is seem overly dramatic in the eyes of the admissions officers, who can tell when you are exaggerating a story you are telling in your essay or not. There are some portions that I think can be either deleted or shortened, but I want to make sure that it won't affect the overall message of the essay if we do that so I will refrain from pointing those sections out until I know what the prompt we are dealing with is :-) I'll be waiting for the prompt and will be making my official comments once I know what to review the answer you wrote for :-)

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Suvekcha, I admire you for having written a highly personal essay. Your sense of compassion and responsibility, your desire to help the children, is quite evident in the essay and provides the solid foundation for your personal statement. I do not think that there is anything left to revise or delete from the essay. In my opinion, you have written the best essay that you can and the time has come to put it to the test in the hands of the admissions officer. This is the best version of the essay that you have written for a different school so far. It is different enough in presentation from the other one that it stands out as an original piece of writing once again. Be confident with this essay. It will do the job that you need it to do. At least that is my opinion :-) You are welcome to have a different one from mine and I will work with you for as long as it takes for you to gain the confidence that you need in your essay :-) What matters the most is your opinion about the work that you did :-)

Graduate / What are your specific post-MBA short-term and long-term goals? Why Smith? Why an MBA? Why now? [20]

Mandeep, we need details before we can help you out. What are the parameters for the essay? Word count? Prompt? What area do you want to concentrate on presenting in the statement? I'm not really sure what kind of help you need from us at this point. It just sounds like you threw together a bunch of incomplete information about yourself at this point which is not really leading towards a big build up for your wanting to pursue an MBA. Any chance you will be given a chance to expand upon those reasons? You need to write an effective statement of purpose and what you wrote is a good start, but can't be the whole essay unless you are only required to present a statement. So which is it that you are trying to write? An essay or a statement? Those have two highly different requirements. Let us know exactly what you have to deal with and we will help you cope with the essay requirements :-)

Undergraduate / I frequently find myself to be a very Yujyufudan person - essay elaborating on 'My biggest flaw' [6]

Kristy, the last paragraph is actually entertaining and is an obvious dig at your inability to make a decision so there is no need to add more hints to it. Ending the essay this way closes the paper on a fun note. Denoting that even though you are filled with indecision, there is one thing you are certain about, you know how to have fun with that flaw in your personality :-) Adding more hints could remove the effective humor that the paragraph now contains. So if I were you, I would leave it alone. Unless you want to try something new for the closing paragraph, while keeping in mind that you can still use the original one that you wrote. Experiment, but don't go all Yujyufudan on me. Otherwise we may never finish editing the essay :-)

Undergraduate / Dreams and Ambition - TOPIC C APPLY TEXAS [3]

Your essay beats around the bush too much without really addressing the topic prompt. You have chosen to write an essay that depicts only your memories of education in the school system is. The essay is asking you to discuss your current academic and out of school activities that are relevant to your desire to become a teacher, you have not addressed that. You need to show the admissions officer the reasons that you believe you will become a good teacher in the future. That is done through the early training and development towards that career that you get through your academic and extra curricular activities. A sample of the extra curricular activity would be tutoring classmates or friends after school, joining a club or organization that volunteers their time to teaching the children of the underprivileged community, and the like. You should revise the essay to reflect such activities in order to meet the prompt requirements. You already presented a portion of this, a glimpse into your academic and extra curricular activities at the end of your essay. You need to build up those parts and revise the beginning.

Essays / I want to work for Google (do cool things that matter) - NEED GUIDANCE ON COLLEGE ESSAY [2]

You should look into the course offerings of Florida Tech online and learn about the training programs and internships that they provide to their students. Choose which programs you are interested in and applicable to your chosen major and then write your essay based upon how you see those programs, internships, and mentor programs helping you advance your knowledge in computer science with the end result of helping you develop your own idea of cutting edge technology and how it can be applied to the further development of computers and the word wide web. In order to write this essay, you should at least have have an idea or inkling of what your future career should look like, where you will be working, and why. Then tailor the essay to answer those questions based upon the training and academic offerings of the school. You already said that you want to work at Google, so explain why and how you hope to achieve that with the help of Florida Tech :-)

Undergraduate / Female Characters in Video Games - Common App Essay #1 [10]

Natalie, my advice, is that you should take the lessons you learned from the video game character Miranda Lawson because it seems like she had the most effect upon you. Then take those lessons and observations for application in your real life. Explain how the game characters seem to help feed the gender stereotyping of women in the eyes of men and how you came to realize that it has to end because you found yourself being treated similarly in real life. Yes, by all means, keep the first and third paragraphs. Those are the most important parts relating to you. We just need to fix the paragraph about the game character because that is the foundation for the development of your central identity. If you can revise that part and post it with the new version of the essay here, we can see how the new versions or what needs to be improved in order to make it flow better :-)