Essays / How to Implement Character Education essay? [7]

Well, start by learning what character education is, by searching for the term on sites such as wikipedia. Then, think of the ways in which one might accomplish the goals of character education. You will then be able to search for the ideas you have come up with, giving you more key words to use in tracking down further research sources.

Book Reports / "Everybody at one point depends on others"; A Thousand Splendid Suns essay [3]

Your essay would be stronger if you talked about how Mariam grows and becomes more courageous. At the moment, you say that she starts out weak and dependent, is made more weak and dependent, then becomes independent, without really showing how she gets to that last stage.If you were to talk more about how she finds her courage, the essay might seem a bit more coherent.

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

I don't know that any of the debate over global warming is particularly relevant to the topic of the link between higher temperatures and natural disasters. However, if you want to shift the focus of your paper to deal with that debate, then here are some things you might want to consider.

1) We are currently living in the middle of an interglacial.
2) Global warming is much better than global cooling.
3) Most cost-benefit analysis indicates it would be far cheaper to adapt to global warming than it would be to try to prevent it.

You might also want to ask yourself what evidence you can find to support the idea that global warming is being driven by man-made CO2 emissions. Bear in mind that scientific consensus is not evidence. Neither are computer models in which half of the variables are guesstimates. I have no idea, personally, what evidence, if any, there is for this theory (not my area of expertise), and so take no stance either way. I do know that I have read a ton of articles on the topic, and not one has actually mentioned any tangible piece of evidence to support the idea of man-made global warming. Instead, the articles all tend to make use of heated emotional rhetoric.

Graduate / Need help of self making recommendation letter (Rashuna University) [7]

With anecdotes, the idea is that you tell a story (from you professor's perspective) about a specific class or discussion that you two had that would demonstrate some of your really good qualities.

Undergraduate / FSU ESSAY ("what I would attempt") [5]

You might want to add a bit at the start that talks about the link between Vires and choosing advanced courses. Something that tells the reader what the point of your essay is going to be . . . almost like a thesis statement :-). Also, you might want to mention how you did on the AP courses, if you had any initial difficulties, if so, how you overcame them. That sort of thing.

Graduate / Need help of self making recommendation letter (Rashuna University) [7]

Here is a version that eliminates many of the grammatical errors found in the original:

I am writing to you in support of Mr. Gray and his desire to attend Rashuna University for the Master Program in Informatics.

I have been teaching for 12 years and have advised approximately ___ students on independent research projects over the last five years. I first met Mr. Gray when he asked me to became his adviser in developing a small simulation system in the GSM laboratory, a project which he has now completed with exceptional skill.

Mr. Gray is has the best analytical skills of any person his age that I have ever supervised. He is an intelligent, articulate, independent worker who proved capable of elaborating on and extending several of the main points involved in his final project, while still finishing it well ahead of schedule.

For all of the aforementioned reasons, I enthusiastically recommend Mr. Gray as an applicant to Rashuna University. It is my hope that you will accept his admission to your university. Feel free to contact me if you require further information

Undergraduate / "The poor environment in China" - USC short answer [5]

You could eliminate the first sentence in your essay entirely.

Beyond that, a good way to shorten an essay while making it stronger is to eliminate an over-reliance on forms of "to be." So, for instance:

"The school that I visited was very distant; a five hour long car ride along an old bumpy road was what it took after the plane landed. Having arrived at the school, I was shocked by what I saw. The situation was far worse that what the images on TV had insinuated. The school was dilapidated and appeared very fragile; the roof was covered with rotten wood. One of the things that upset me the most was talking to the children"

could be rewritten as

"After a five hour long car ride along an old bumpy road, I arrived at the school, where I could do little but stare in shocked horror. The dilapidated school appeared on the brink of collapse with its roof made of rotten wood and the steps up to the front door missing planks. An overwhelming stench arose from the outhouses behind it. Talking to the children upset me profoundly . . ."

Notice that the revised version is not only nine words shorter, but also contains two more specific details that you didn't include the original. Thus, the revised version paints a more vivid picture of the school by saying more, even though it uses fewer words.

Undergraduate / What have you gained from the activities and experiences listed in Part VI, you'll use in McIntire? [8]

"The scripts were surprisingly easy to understand thanks to computer science courses and felt that a week or two should've been more like a day or two." The scripts took computer science courses and developed feelings? Congratulations on your invention of advance A.I. Either that, or shame on you for not keeping track of the subject of your sentence :-)

Undergraduate / The day when Kolkata faced a severe crisis still remains etched in my memory [3]

Here are some more ways you could shorten your essay:

"The author had scripted something which was sacrilegious to a religion and the sentiments of that group were hurt, which sparked off an intense brawl." You could probably cut this entire sentence, if you wanted to.

"The people of that community had taken the law in their hands andresponding by setting fire to certain establishments and vehicles."

"My car was surrounded by a number of youths and I appeared to be a hapless victim. I could see my end nearing as the hostile youthwho were on the verge of scorching my car with torches. "

"in walked a messiah, rather an old man, quite strangely belonging to their religion," Also, how did you know that the man belonged to their religion? And why, unless you believe all Muslims to be violent extremists, would you find it strange?

Undergraduate / Short answer essay questions (yoga, tennis) [5]

Most of the sentences are pretty good. You might want to make the following change, though:

"On a free afternoon, I would love to play tennis with my dad or cook a nice meal for my family."

Undergraduate / "I am among those who think that science has great beauty"; PERSONAL STATEMENT (Pharmacy ) [11]

You use too many words. For instance, consider how much can be cut from your first paragraph:

"If I was allowed just one chance of a confessionT his quote would applyappliesitself almost directly to me. I have the dream to beof becoming a scientist. I find pleasure inenjoy science and performing chemical experiments; that's why I want to engage inI am especially drawn to pharmacy, as I find itwhich is more imaginativepractical than theoretical. I want my name to be written on the tablets of history. Whenever I encountered a scientific name and I read that it was named after its discoverer, I say to myself "when will I read my name in this book."

Try to revise the whole essay for conciseness.

Undergraduate / "My name is Sonia Weitz, & I'm a Holocaust survivor"; Person - significant influence [7]

This essay is fairly good to begin with. To improve it, you might want to elaborate on how "I chose not to be a bystander to injustice." In what ways have you fought injustice? How did you act upon Sonia's inspiration?

Essays / Equal opportunities - need essay ideas [3]

Well, first you might want to consider whether or not it is true that all people deserve equal opportunities, rights, and respect." For instance, does a murderer continue to have a right to liberty, or is society justified in taking that right away by throwing the murderer in jail. If you believe that the latter is true, then you do not believe that all people deserve equal rights. Likewise, unless you believe that an industrialist who sets up his own company that provides employment for over a hundred workers is just as admirable as a homeless person who has destroyed his mind with drugs, then you do not believe that all people deserve equal respect, either. So, you might begin by attacking the question and showing a capacity for critical thought when given a manifestly foolish prompt.

Next, you might want to start thinking about how you want to define your key terms (always a good way to begin an essay like this). So, what do you think the word "opportunity" means? "Rights?" "Respect?" Most importantly, what do you think the word "equal" means? Once you have come up with your own definitions of these terms, think also about how other people might define them. Then think about how these different definitions might affect both how true people think the proposition is, and how it might affect their support for it. By that point, you should be getting an idea of the various arguments that one can make for or against the idea that all people deserve equal opportunities, etc. Then you would start the rest of your essay by explaining why the arguments you agree with are right, and why the ones you disagree with are wrong.

Research Papers / GLOBAL WARMING and natural disasters essay [10]

Are you supposed to be focusing specifically on global warming and its links to natural disasters? If so, most of your essay (paragraphs 1, 5, 6, 7) is off-topic, having nothing at all to do with natural disasters. Is it meant to be a more general overview of global warming? If so, you should summarize the evidence that A) global warming is happening and that B) man-made CO2 emissions are responsible, rather than merely asserting both.

Undergraduate / "What qualities do you feel you would bring to our institution?" [6]

Also, don't worry about sounding cocky. You are supposed to be selling yourself -- this is no time for false modesty. Just make sure you have specific examples that prove your points. So, if you say you are the most self-sacrificing person ever, make sure you give an anecdote in which you are clearly self-sacrificing, and so on.

Writing Feedback / Oedipus the Tragic Hero [5]

You might want to talk about how the tragic hero often (though not always) suffers from a flaw that, in other circumstances, might be a virtue. In many cases, the very character traits that won the hero his reputation and fortune are the ones that doom him. So, in Oedipus's case, he is doomed for his persistence, his determination to save his city, and his insistence on learning the truth. These are the very qualities that make him a good ruler. In this particular case, though, he should back off, because the truth is something he can't handle. The gods themselves indicate he should back off, and so he supposedly falls into the trap of hubris by persisting, but the real point is that, given his nature, backing off was never really an option for him, whatever the gods may have indicated.

Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]

Overall, I thought your original version was stronger. Specifically, the sentence structures in the new version tend to be more awkward than their original counterparts.

I did think this sentence was an improvement though: "Packages sent to her could not be left in the condo's lobby area for obvious liability reasons."

So, I'd go with the first essay, but replace the original version of the above sentence with the new one.

BTW, as far as the two revised sentences in your earlier post, the second one is fine. The first one is pretty good, though I'd go with: "The Corps taught me to focus on leading and motivating, while placing a premium on the people who do the work instead of fixating on the bottom line."

Undergraduate / "The biggest fear is fear itself." - application essay [12]

Whoops. Yes, I did indeed mean Star Trek, and not Stark Trek, though the latter could be a great title for a parody of some sort.

Undergraduate / "The poor environment in China" - USC short answer [5]

Sort of. You need to focus more on the cultural exchange program aspect. That, after all, is the activity you are supposed to be talking about. At the moment, you could be describing a vacation to China in which you ventured out into the countryside. Presumably, though, the exchange program meant a longer stay than that. So, you might want to start by mentioning the exchange program in your first sentence, explain what the program was exactly and why you signed up for it. Then you can talk about how it changed you, using the trip to the elementary school as a specific example to demonstrate your points.

Writing Feedback / Several different ways in which colleges fail to prepare students for life. [7]

Three topic sentences would seem to imply three body paragraphs.

Also, the title of your thread is "several different ways in which colleges fail to prepare students for life." Your three subtopics are really all aspects of a single way in which colleges fail to prepare students for life, namely through failing to teach parenting. Focusing in detail on one subtopic can be a very effective way of writing an essay. Often, it is much better than touching briefly on several different subtopics. In this case, though, given the prompt, I think it weakens your essay.

For one thing, I don't know that the lack of focus on parenting can be described as a "failure" by the college, because colleges don't normally promise to prepare students for parenting. That is, we don't normally say something has failed if it doesn't do something that it wasn't designed to do and that the people using it had no reason to expect it to do. For another, this isn't a failure at all for people who choose to remain childless, or who delay having children until long after the effects of their education have faded.

Other things that you mention in your intro and conclusion don't suffer from this problem. Time management skills, for instance, are vital in real life and for success in business. Colleges do promise to prepare students to be successful in business (in some form or another), and so this does represent a "failure" on the part of colleges.

Undergraduate / University of Texas Transfer Essay A ("cultural understanding") [6]

This is already a really well-written and thoughtful essay. The prompt asks you to write an essay that will let the admissions officers get to know you, and you have accomplished that goal. The only weakness I can see is that the paragraph on Germany seems a bit out of place. Your introduction clearly indicates that you will be writing about your experiences in Iraq, and all of the rest of your essay after the second paragraph talks about your experiences in Iraq, so the second paragraph doesn't really fit with the topic you have chosen. You could either omit the paragraph, or possibly rework the introduction to make some reference to your German travels.

Undergraduate / Diversified Health Occupations class essay, need help. [4]

Try to avoid informal language, such as "I'm kind of expecting to learn CPR, because I think someone mentioned something about that, but I'm not sure" and "Its really hard to tell."

Use "I" instead of "i" consistently.

Try to illustrate some of your points with specific examples. At the moment, your language is really general.

Writing Feedback / Great Expectations - Charles Dickens. Tension and suspense. [4]

You include a lot of plot summary and details that really have little or nothing to do with how Dickens builds tension and suspense. For instance, you say that "Great Expectations is primarily set in Kent, England, in the mid nineteenth century. However, as the story progresses, it is mainly set in London and partially Australia." This relates to your topic not at all. You might want to go through the readings and highlight the parts that you find suspenseful, then see if you can find commonalities in the passages that might form the basis of your essay.

Undergraduate / "The biggest fear is fear itself." - application essay [12]

I knew that the quote was Roosevelt, but I think the first time I heard it was on an episode of Stark Trek:TNG, and for a long time I had no idea where the original came from.

Graduate / 'I started to get antsy'; Statement of Purpose for MFA Design Program [5]

Hmmm . . . in that case your essay seems fairly solid. The content and grammar are good. Stylistically, it's a bit dull, mainly because you use too few strong verbs. You rely heavily on forms of "to be" and "to have." If you revised the essay with a view to replacing as many of these verbs as possible with vivid, exciting verbs, your essay would be much stronger.

Graduate / 'I started to get antsy'; Statement of Purpose for MFA Design Program [5]

It is tempting to write a single form letter that you can use for all of your applications, but customized statements are more likely to get you in. Research each university, and see what aspects of their programs each one is most proud of. Then tie your reasons for wanting to attend that particular university to those aspects. This will make you seem like a more suitable applicant, while also showing that you care enough about your application to do some research.

Book Reports / Oedipus the King and Metamorphosis Comparative Essay [4]

Well, in Oedipus, the protagonist is unable to see the cause of the plague affecting the city, and then blinds himself when he finally uncovers the truth in an attempt to return to the comforting darkness of ignorance. In Metamorphosis, the protagonist is a shy, retiring, unimportant, insignificant person who is psychologically unable to express himself assertively, and he transforms into an insignificant insect that is literally unable to speak. There are definitely grounds for comparison.

Undergraduate / "The biggest fear is fear itself." - application essay [12]

I don't think omitting Roosevelt will have hurt you. After all, what you say is that you don't remember where you heard those words and when, which is perfectly true. I'm guessing you weren't there for Roosevelt's initial speech, and so presumably knowing that he was the first person to say it doesn't help much in that regard.

Essays / Reality TV essay - ideas to begin writing [35]

Or perhaps it is simply easier and safer to go with a product that has been proven to appeal to the public?

Undergraduate / Appropriate word limit? - Write a brief statement regarding your educational plans at UW Madison [19]

"One of my core values comes from my family's constant maxim that helping others who are not so fortunate is an important responsibility."

Avoid misplaced modifiers: "Now having the chance to study abroad, seeking wisdom and pursuing knowledge will make the 'change' one step closer into reality." You are the one who has the chance to study abroad, but this sentence says that "seeking wisdom" has the chance to study abroad. As such the sentence makes no sense and should therefore be revised.

Essays / "It's Only Natural" - effects of the global spread of the English language (argumentative essay) [15]

Opening paragraphs should have thesis statements. In this case, you should probably state your own stance on whether or not he should be buried.

Also, be careful when using political terms: "Some Russians argue that Lenin's body should remain on display as the communist hero, other, less conservative Russians, believe Lenin must be buried so that Russia can stop living in the past." One would expect conservative Russians, politically speaking, would want to bury any link Russia has to communism. I know what you mean, but the different meanings that attach to words such as "conservative" mean you should probably avoid them.

Book Reports / What is an easy book to do a book report on? [15]

Depends. If you want short books that have had a lot written about them, both Anthem, by Ayn Rand, and Animal Farm, by George Orwell, would work. If you want more modern books that are really well-written and a joy to read, Life of Pi by Yann Martel is a good candidate.

Writing Feedback / Tragic Hero in "Antigone" by Sophoceles- essay feedback [7]

Your first paragraph could be deleted in its entirety without weakening your essay. Moreover, most of the rest of your essay consists of plot summary, rather than a thoughtful analysis of the play. You should look more at how exactly Creon is arrogant, specifically how he is guilty of hubris. His decree that Polyneices should not receive a proper burial is an affront to the gods, because such rituals are essentially religious ones. Also, they are not meant to honor the dead, but to bring closure to those who cared about him. As such, Creon's decree is both blasphemous and unreasonable. Hence the idea that "there is no guilt in reverence for the dead." Or, to think of it another way, he is usurping the authority of the gods by presuming to judge and punish the dead, which is not a power that he, as a merely mortal king, can rightfully claim.

Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]

Actually, I think your second draft came out quite nicely. It's focused and specific, so if you feel the need to use your optional essay to cover other material, this should stand you in good stead.

The only advice I have left concerns minor fixes to the following two sentences:

"I've learned that this contagious attitude on management keeps a premium on the people who do the work instead of fixating on the bottom line." This sentence seems a bit awkward to me, especially the first part. How exactly is leading and motivating people a "contagious attitude?"

"An Illinois education with its world renowned professors . . ." Same thing here. The education doesn't really have professors, the university does. The education is something more abstract.

Apart from those two tiny changes, I'd say you are pretty much ready to submit. Good luck. I hope you get in.

Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]

Tying in your personal goals should be easy -- it would flow naturally from the end of your third paragraph, giving your essay the following structure based on the current course of your life: Marines -- business operator -- business owner. Only you would obviously like to learn more about how business works before transitioning into the third step.

The only problem is that this is going to make your essay longer, and you were looking for advice to shorten it. Even if you condense most of the second paragraph as I suggested, you'll be hard pressed to include everything. Splitting the essay into two would probably do it, though. Is having a lot of credit hours a particularly bad thing that you need to justify in an essay dedicated to the topic? If not, you might find having an essay dedicated to your experience in the Marines more worthwhile. It would almost certainly be more interesting. There are certain experiences that people just naturally find impressive and want to learn more about, and being in the Marines is one of them.

Undergraduate / 'volunteering at Ability First' - University of Southern California Transfer Essay [10]

This essay already seems very well-polished. It answers the prompt with a strong narrative full of specific details. There really isn't much you need to change here. A couple of minor points:

"down syndrome" should this be capitalized?

". . . performing other tasks that most people take for granted"

Undergraduate / "The biggest fear is fear itself." - application essay [12]

Overall a strong essay. You might want to go into a bit more detail about how you overcame the fear, but I realize that is difficult to describe, given that it is all internal. Still, emotions are felt only through the body, so maybe you could talk about the physical symptoms of fear that you felt, and how you focused on controlling them.

Undergraduate / commonapp essay- elaborate an activity- tutor [3]

You might want to add a bit more detail about why you decided to become a tutor. At the moment, your intro is a bit abrupt. Apart from that:

Seeing so many ragged boys selling newspapers in my street made me think about how important it was that they got a good education. In order to help them. I decided to register to be a volunteer tutor teaching street children in my district.

On my first day, I realized that teaching was not going to be as easy as I had thought. Many of the students were reluctant to learn, and I began to grow increasingly annoyed when they did not finish their exercises, or lost their books, or even simply started skipping sessions. However, I understood their difficulties, and so I persevered, relying on my empathy for them to give me strength. This encouraged me to try my best to teach them, give them advice, and become their true friend.

Now, after a long period of adjustment on both sides, most of my students show up promptly for their sessions, and we always greet each other warmly. Many have bestowed upon me the nickname of "Big Brother." They call me at home for advice and to get answers to interesting questions they incessantly ask about life. Helping these children has taught me how to appreciate what I have, how to stand on my own feet, and especially, how to share with other people.

Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]

Overall a well-written essay. The only major criticism I can think of is that you don't really talk about how becoming a business student relates to your goals, though one can assume you believe the education will help you in your endeavors to grow your family business.

As to how you can cut it down to size, you could try breaking it up into two essays, one about your time in the Marines and one about your challenge in starting up a new business. Connecting the two is sort of neat, but it does take up room. Most applications have an extra, optional essay you can write to cover anything you couldn't work in to the mandatory ones, so you could use one essay for that and the other for this.

Alternatively, you could try condensing the second paragraph into one or two sentences, and merging them with the third paragraph. You service in the Marines is admirable. Your ability to deal creatively with the challenges of starting a new business is likewise admirable. Carrying out the basic work of setting up the business for opening day is neat, but it doesn't grip the reader with a sense of your brilliance, so if you have to cut something, this is where you would start.

Some very minor grammatical points:

"commitment, and loyalty"

"I came home and was informed by my parents of their desire to start up a new business."

"to grow it from the ground up into the thriving business it is today"

"and had a friend's printing company make me 4000 copies"

"my business and would sign for and inventory packages, and notify recipients" I'm sure you weren't actually inventorying the recipients :-)

"More important than the funds received from the condo association, was the exposure from handling packaging for 600 units." Omit the comma in this sentence.

Undergraduate / Issue of Importance Topic ("advertising strategy") [5]

You could strengthen your essay by going into a bit more detail about just how destructive this trend is. At the moment, your description of the trend is a bit bland, but the trend can be really devastating, leading to increased incidents of anorexia and bulimia, both of which can reach the point of being physically harmful or even life-threatening to those who are afflicted by them. Also, Dove's campaign aside, the trend is worsening, with psychological disorders such as the ones previously mentioned becoming more common, not only among young women but also among teenage boys (though they are still far more likely to affect the former). You could also mention that this problem is part of a larger trend of unrealistic portrayals of life in Hollywood shows. For instance, romantic relationships tend to end faster now because people expect love to be the way it is in movies, and are psychologically unprepared for the sorts of compromises and negotiations that characterize real relationships.