Graduate / Traveling to a new places, studying new things and learning more about different culture and psyche [4]

Man, there are a number of problems with your essay. Even before we can address the grammar problems, we are faced with the fact that your essay is suffering from an identity crisis in terms of the format of the paper. Is it a curriculum vitae or bio data? Is it a letter to a higher authority? Or is it an essay directed towards stating your statement of purpose for Msc application? You need to take the time to sort out your thoughts and decide how you really want to write this paper and then revise it into the proper format.

Then you need to consider certain aspects of the essay that include, the purpose of your advanced studies in oil and and gas engineering. Considering that you already said you do not have any background in the field, the first question an admissions officer will ask himself is, then why is applying for this course? Since a masters degree is often studied in relation to your current career and career advancement plans, it would seem that there is no reason for you to be enrolled in this course. You need to convince the admissions officer that it is imperative for you to complete this masters course even though you do not have a background in it for a specific purpose. Without that convincing reason, your application may not be as effective as you think it might be.

There are many reasons that a person will apply for a masters degree in a specific subject. However, it is not common for someone without a specific career path in that particular field to apply for masters studies. Therefore, you need to prove the reasons why you should be admitted for such studies by presenting a convincing statement of purpose. Right now, there is nothing in your paper that will convince an admissions officer to consider you for admission ot Msc school.

Graduate / Write about experience - Description about my Internship [13]

Nurba, much better. It is highly informative without being a lecture for the admissions officer to read. Now you have a concise essay that answers the prompt in the shortest but most informative way. If there is any part that you should expand upon a little, it will be your current work experience because that is the one that the admissions officer will concentrate on learning about, since it is the focal point of your essay prompt. It is in that portion that you should provide any information about accolades or new technology that you learned about. Overall though, the essay works well in terms of introducing your professional career, achievements, and training.

Undergraduate / For the past 10 years of my life, I have been deeply involved with my district's 4-H Program [2]

- I feel that this paragraph can be omitted in favor of the next one which is more important since it tells us all about your participation in the club and its activities. This paragraph is just a filler because it talks in general instead of specific terms with regards to club activities. This paragraph is about the club, not you so it should not be included in the final version.Instead, you should present us with an overview of your activities in the club before you became president. so we can get an understanding of this particular extra curricular activity from your point of view. You can talk about the lessons you learned and other interesting tidbits that only a club insider would know about.

The rest of the essay works very well in my opinion. You were able to present the activities you are involved with in the club and also offered us an insight into your sentiments about aging out of the organization.

Undergraduate / "choose career you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life" - FIT admission essay [4]

Rylee, I have some suggestions for you to consider which I believe will help your essay develop more in line with the essay prompt.


- You can develop this sentence into its own paragraph by explaining how fashion has already been a part of your life, aside from the virtual game. Explain how and why you were enticed to look into fashion as a career. What influences were involved? What was your thought process that led you to this conclusion?

- Creativity and determination are common place as a reason in these types of essays. Unless you can state some major accomplishment that will make it stand out for you, such as starting an online fashion business or winning awards and accolades for your early fashion work, this is just a part of the essay that will just be a ho-hum part of your application. This is the most important aspect of the essay. The reason why the university should seriously consider you for a student slot. So don't be generic in this discussion. Make yourself stand out. Mention any achievements you have had in fashion, regardless of how insignificant you might think it to be.

[quote=heyitsrylee]- Try to write a different statement. This is irrelevant to the prompt. What they want to know is why you should be considered for a student slot. What you think of FIT and New York is irrelevant and only removes attention from the more important aspect of the essay which is selling yourself as the best possible student that FIT can admit this coming semester :-)

Undergraduate / I had never expected that Economics would become my dream major - UIUC essay [4]

A few sentences of whole paragraphs about it, either way will work. What is important is that you are able to present it to the admissions officer with an explanation of how you will attempt to achieve those goals with the help of their university. Although not directly stated, it is implied that your method of achieving your personal career goals will entail the help of the university and its teachers. So develop your goals from that point of view. It would help if you had a 2 or 5 year career plan to present. That will show how serious you are about making it as a professional in the field of study you chose to enter.

Writing Feedback / Do we need a teacher to learn English? [5]

Chloe, simply put, you are being asked to explain whether you believe that teachers are necessary for the teaching of the English language to foreign language students. The statement is meant to indicate that you believe in the need to have teachers assist in the teaching of English as a foreign language because it is difficult to learn a language far removed from your own without the help or aid of someone who is familiar with the language. The teacher is meant to help guide you in the learning process hence the reference to "teachers are necessary in order to learn a foreign language such as English". Remember, each language, if spoken in a country where you do not speak the language becomes a foreign language to you. Therefore, you need to learn how to speak it and in all instances, the guidance of a professional comes out as all too important in that learning process :-) I hope I was able to clarify things for you :-)

Undergraduate / "Sobremesa" - UChicago; untranslatable, personal word [6]

Shannon, you will need to use a transition sentence to explain that you are giving an English version of the Spanish paragraph then. It is a bit difficult to do because you chose to write a whole paragraph in Spanish which, although impressive, and I am sure that your intention was to make an impression, affected the overall effect of the paper. Remember, you are only being asked for a word, not a whole paragraph. I believe that the best thing for you to do with regards to this situation is to just immediately give the word and the rough English translation. That will lead you to use the translation in the second paragraph as your introductory paragraph instead. That should work better because you will immediately provide your answer to the prompt and provide ample development within the paper for your explanation as well. Try to see if my suggestion will work for your intentions. I believe it will :-)

Undergraduate / 'sitting on the steps of the Low Memorial Library' - Columbia University essay [6]

John, the thing is that you really made the reader think that you were planning to major in architecture because of the way you wrote the essay. That is not a bad thing though. It just shows that you have an eye for detail. I do not believe that you should use the description of NYC and the Google office because it is far removed from the setting of the university, which is what the prompt is all about. Here is what I suggest that we can do to improve the essay. Tell me what it is you want to say, I will create a template for you to follow, then we can polish and improve upon whatever you come up with using the template. Will that work for you? If you want to try it, let me know the specific details in your next post :-)

Graduate / Write about experience - Description about my Internship [13]

Nurba, is there any way that you can just summarize the positions you held there and offer only the most important tasks that you performed or learned on the job? This portion of the essay is too long and provides too much information about the minutest task that you performed. The admissions officer does not have the time to sort through this list of job descriptions for the most important ones. Just tell him the most important aspects and move on. That should be the format for all the job descriptions that you will be providing in the statement about your internships. You need to learn to sort between impressive and so-so job descriptions. You are out to impress so keep it short but admirable for the reader to learn about :-)

Undergraduate / The sky flamed like an overripe mango; vivid reds and oranges spilling into the horizon. [3]

Sarah, I agree with Shannon in this case. You just need to revise the introduction to the paragraph. I know that you were batting for creativity in that part but it really backfired and made the reader think you are currently 65 years old. I would rephrase it in this manner; " I will be 65 years old in the future, surrounded by a sky flamed like an over ripe Mango, vivid red and oranges spilling into the horizon.I will see clouds catch fire in the sky and fear that the same will happen to me. I don't want to be 65 in the future and look back on the past years of my life only to see failure and regret." Or something along those lines. The essay itself is strong. It is just the introduction that got a bit confusing for you to write and for the reader to comprehend :-)

Undergraduate / "Sobremesa" - UChicago; untranslatable, personal word [6]

Shannon, remember, not everyone who reads this essay speaks Spanish, so you should at least offer up a rough translation of the statement you made in full Spanish at the beginning of the essay. It will help to explain why there is also no good English translation for the word sobremesa.


- America is a society of ...


- Remember the grammatical rules, you can't start a sentence with "And". Simply say "Sobremesa is just that."


- Again with the translation :-)

Overall, a very good essay. You smoothly explained why it is impossible to translate this word to English :-) Just a few points left to address in order to perfect the paper :-)

Undergraduate / Expression Through Hair - Common App Essay [7]

Props for a well written essay Kennysha :-) You really wrote a very informative and creative central identity story. Most people would not think that a hairstyle could help define a person and embolden that person with a new sense of confidence and air of responsibility. Reading about it in your essay shows the reader that there are more ways to answer this prompt than previously thought. It is an essay that thoroughly screams "This is who I am!" and succeeds in explaining why you should be accepted for who you are :-) A quick question though, could you add something in the essay about how the bun hairstyle your mom insisted upon affected you when you were in school? How did the other students react to it? Such a statement coming from you will add further strength to your decision to take charge of your hairstyle and help show that you did not just want to defy your mother which is why you finally decided to change it.

Writing Feedback / Grades are the motivation for students to study better, they can create a competitive environment [3]

Vns, your essay, while delivering good reasons to support grades as a motivation for learning, needs a lot of grammatical work. I don't know why but it seems like you are struggling to improve the way you construct English sentences. It does not have to sound highly educated, nor does it need to use big words that you think are impressive to read on paper but don't work to enhance your sentence at all. You just need to be able to express your thoughts coherently, using the correct simple English words. When are you taking the TOEFL test? You really need to work on this aspect of your essay writing skills. I will help you with this essay in the hopes that it can motivate you to learn how to take your time in writing the essay and encourage you to choose and think about the words you use when expressing yourself in English.


- Grades motivate students to study better because of the competitive environment it creates in the classroom. It is the indicator by which a student is judged by his teachers as being ready to advance to the next level of his education and whether a student is ready to step out of his comfort zone. These are but some of the reasons that I believe that grades encourage students to study and learn.


- Man is competitive by nature. That said, the the classroom setting encourages competition among students who study alongside one another. They are rated individually, hence creating the competitive atmosphere that encourages them to study harder in order to get higher grades than the others. Grading allows students to gauge their competition in class and also allows teachers to see whom among the students are fast learners. This allows the teachers to adjust their teaching styles and offers the students an insight into their learning abilities.


- Grading influences most students in a positive way. Students who see that they are getting good grades ambition to become more in life by attending college and universities because they know they can do their chosen jobs well. While others, who do not get good grades, are discouraged from attending higher education institutions but then, have a natural skill to succeed in life. Basically, grades do what they are meant to do, serve as the inspiration for students to continue doing well in their studies.

Please work on your conclusion by developing the proper format of restated prompt, summary, and your conclusion. Thanks :-)

Graduate / I had an opportunity to observe many different speech pathologists in many environments [2]

Taylor, depending upon the kind of personal statement that is required by the university, this essay will come out either too short or too long. You cannot tailor your personal statement for general submission. However, you can use what you wrote as a template or basis for your future personal statements. Remember that the personal statements will come with specific prompts that are meant to answer certain questions about you. You cannot guess what those questions may be so you can't really develop a general personal statement. Not to mention that universities do not take kindly to generic essays and believe me, the admissions officers know where they are reading a template answer to their essay prompts.

That said, you have really written a very good and solid generalized statement. It should give you a clear idea of the information you can use to answer both the personal and common app statements from various universities :-) I would suggest though, that you try to include more current work experience into it so that you can also use the PS as an SOP when necessary. The story about Nathan is an excellent foundation for your desire to become a speech pathologist. However, you need to develop your exposure from that in such a manner that will show how you have interacted with more needy children than Nathan and that your desire to help them has only been increased. Don't forget, the masters degree is supposed to help you ascend the career hierarchy in the future. Mentioning solid plans for your career in your personal statement will also help it along.

Writing Feedback / My bad experiences help me to fight harder and to go after what I want - CBEST essay [3]

Biviana, the essay you wrote definitely needs some work. Let me help you with the grammar aspect. You have already said all you have to say about this matter so it is time to edit it for word count and grammatical errors :-) I will post my comments about the paragraph content whenever necessary.


- At some point... or defeat that cause a negative... the way a person sees his life. The experience can help shape his life ... teachers and staff due to the...

- I arrived from Cambodia in 1995. I was enrolled at the local high school where I simultaneously felt scared and excited. Starting the 9th grade, I found it difficult to get around the campus because I could not speak English well and the others could not direct me because I could not express my needs to them properly. We could not communicate. I was even further lost during class because the medium of education was English. I felt the rejection the most each time I asked my classmates for help or when lunch time would come around and I could not tell the cafeteria lady what I wanted to eat. Everyone was annoyed with me. I was depressed and frustrated and did not have any refuge at school except the restroom where I would cry during the lunch hour.

- I struggled every day, with some days worse than the others. There were times I felt like demanding to go home to Cambodia, or I felt like dropping out of school. What was the use when no one could understand me at school? Needless to say, I was held back in the 9th grade due to poor academic performances. I was really discouraged and I felt like I would never improve, I would end up working as a cleaning woman in other people's houses. Like they say though, with every dark cloud comes a silver lining. I eventually found mine.

- The rejection and struggle to succeed helped me realize that I need to work harder than most people and I can never give up. When I got over my self-pity, I took extra classes and worked on my English skills. I wanted and needed to graduate on time. It was hard but I never let the negative thoughts get the better of me anymore. Eventually the rejection became the driving force behind my success. The bad experiences, ensured that I would go to college and not be what society said I should be, a cleaning lady. Now I understand that the obstacles are here to challenge us. To help us build our goals and push ourselves towards achievements others never thought we could accomplish.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: People have always been seeking for their basic needs - Shopping Habits [3]

Reza, this is a very interesting essay. You have made some good points but you need help in properly expressing them. Let me try to help you out by showing you how to best structure these sentences for the benefit of your reasons :-)


- People seek their basic needs by shopping. Product purchasing is a common behavior among many societies which is why there is now an argument as to whether people shop depending upon their age group or according to their needs. I believe that there are more reasons to consider than just the age of a person when it comes to their purchasing habits.


- While people within the same age bracket tend to shop for similar things and may share the same interests, these do not necessarily mean they buy the same goods. Others buy for entertainment purposes, some for quality and services, and others, because of their needs in life. Therefore, one cannot really judge the shopping habits of an group based solely upon perceived buying habits. Nobody can really tell how and why people buy certain things.


- The determination of buying habits can instead be measured somehow through the financial abilities, level of education, and culture of a person. Those financially stable with disposable income tend to have different shopping habits when compared to those from the lower financial strata, regardless of the age factor. Intelligent people are also believed to use analytical skills when choosing products to purchase while others, shop instead for the sheer enjoyment of it.

Undergraduate / I hated ballet- Common App Essay [5]

Megan, while you need to learn to use commas when discussing successive activities in one sentence such as you did in your introduction, and you need some grammar her in some places, this is a very solid piece of writing that is worthy of submitting for consideration. My only apprehension is that I do not know what the prompt you are trying to answer for this common app is. I am sure that once you let us know what the question being answered is, we will be able to better advice you regarding content and editing of the essay. Don't be discouraged. This is a very good piece of work. You obviously applied a lot of thought to answering the question and you most likely did that very well. Our job here though is to look for the errors that you may have not seen while writing this. We can only look for the tiniest errors you made if we know what we are looking for :-) So please send us the common app prompt as soon as you can :-) Thanks.

Graduate / I am keen on focusing on culture and cultural management for my further study [4]

Chen, you should flip your essay around. You accidentally saved the most interesting paragraphs for the last part instead of placing it at the essay so that it became a part of the statement of purpose hook. Below you will find my suggestions for the proper order of your highly interesting and impressive essay.

There are also grammatical errors that need to be addressed within the essay but I always believe that unless we fix the chronological order and content of the essay first, it will be useless to immediately fix the grammar errors. That is because the way the essay is presented can and will still change. Kindly reformat the essay in my suggested manner, if you agree with it that is, so that we can move on to correcting other areas of the essay :-)

Undergraduate / Essay on swimming - it's part of my life - Babson [8]

Philipe, I was able to bring it down to 99 words. See if this works for you. Feel free to use it or make it the basis of your next revision :-)

I've always thought that being short and and chubby were good reasons for failing to swim successfully. My coach disagreed with me by teaching me that I had two paths to choose from in life, either I try or give up. I knew I wasn't trying hard enough to improve at swimming but after our talk, "striving to succeed" became a part of my character I became stronger, faster, and competitive. I learned to excel at challenges through perseverance, commitment and tenacity. By swimming, I learned that there no incapable persons, only people who are not willing to try.

Writing Feedback / Internet have opened up new doors for people who need recent information or news [2]

Hamed, you have written an essay that leaves its main thought process under developed because you have tried to cover too many topics within 30 minutes instead of just one. The prompt has given you the option to do that. Why didn't you take it? If it were up to me, I would have written this essay from the point of view that access to too much information causes problems. I would then use Facebook and Google as an example of how access to private information of people places the internet users at risk because these companies sell private information to third parties. A move that does not give the internet much security and allows complete strangers access to a person's background which they can use against him. As examples of this, I would use hacking, phishing, and cyber bullying / blackmail as examples of verifiable problems created by the internet.

You should revise this essay in order to better develop a single thought. Remember, you only have 30 minutes to write this essay. So don't confuse yourself with too much information. Just stick to one reason and build it up. That will leave you with time to review, revise, and finalize during the test.

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Suvekcha, let me know if this conclusion I am suggesting works for you. Feel free to use it or make it the basis of your new concluding paragraph :-)

Working with SAATH has better prepared me for a college career in the sense that I now have a clear concept of what hard work, perseverance, and patience in regards to achieving one's goals is all about. I hope to apply those newly developed traits of mine during my academic stint at Rutgers University. Working with children who do not have the ability to get a good education without the help of others has taught me that the only barrier to learning is oneself. If one desires to achieve in life, nobody can stop him or her from achieving that. My desire to actively learn through internship program participation, mentoring programs, the highly experience professors at the university, and my mingling with the students of Rutger will ensure that I achieve those goals without fail.

Undergraduate / For the past 17 years of painful transitions I have gained great understanding of different cultures [3]

Kareem, this is a really short essay considering the complexity of the prompt that was provided to you. You really have the space for proper paragraph development if you wish to do that. You have not actually answered the prompt either. While you spoke of things that reflect your idea of London, you failed to make any reference to the university and how you would be able to help enhance their academic and social community. Is there any chance that you have an idea for the significant contribution that you can make the the university community? You need to develop something impressive such as starting a new club that will help new students immerse themselves into the school community or something like that. Without that response, this essay falls dead in its tracks. It becomes useless because it does not offer the kind of insight that the admissions officer and committee needs or wants to hear about. I strongly suggest that you revise the essay because of those problems that I caught for you :-)

Undergraduate / If I'd follow the path of what society thinks about ways to become successful, I would fail. [4]

Jason, we need to know what question you are being asked to address in this essay before we can make a comment or offer suggestions as to how to improve it. I can see some grammatical errors that need to be addressed but I will refrain from correcting those until I know what exactly we are dealing with here. That is because the advice I will give you regarding the changes to the paper will depend upon the question being answered. That way I or we will know how to direct the essay towards answering the prompt :-) Right now I can tell you that the essay carries two interesting topics but I am not sure which one should be better developed or chosen while the other one fades into the background. Hence the need for the essay prompt. Here's hoping you can post the instructions or prompt for us soon so that we can help you with this paper as soon as possible :-)

Writing Feedback / Spend money on long last thing or spend on short term pleasure;e.g. buying jewelry or takin vacation [4]


- Hanyue, this introduction would have passed even with the grammatical errors had you not forgotten one important thing, you forgot to restate the prompt for the essay in a paraphrased manner before you presented your opinion on the matter. So as a thesis statement, this introduction is incomplete and would affect your overall grade.


- Your reasoning in this aspect is shallow and you spend all of the paragraph discussing only your point of view. To bring a better balance to this essay, you need to discuss the opposing side or at least mention it in a sentence or two so that you can refute the opposing statement and in the process, make your statement look like the stronger, more correct one.


- Don't forget, some people enjoy investing their money in the long term. Whether positive or negative in result, they enjoy spending their money in this manner. So you cannot really insist that these people are unhappy or that investing money is bad for everyone's health. While you presented your uncle as an example, the reality is that the reader will take your comment collectively and will end up offending some people. So choose your words and try to use a better example that might not hurt others.

Your summary is flawed because it should only restate the prompt, provide a summary of the facts, and finally, present your opinion as the closing sentence.

I hope that you will find my comments useful and that you will come back here with the next draft of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

It certainly helped enhance and explain the kind of work that you do within the organization and why the organization does its charity work. I realize it may be hard to elaborate on what kind of work you did with them, but I am glad you were able to come up with this sentence. Imagine, just adding that single sentence said volumes about your volunteer activity. Now, what you need to do is develop your final paragraph because at the moment, it is good but has room for improvement. I am sure that you are now very familiar with the academic and social demands of Rutger University. In the final paragraph you need to develop the idea that your work with the organization has better prepared you for the rigors and demands of Rutger in both the academic and social setting. Try to connect your teaching experience with the kids with how you hope to learn more at Rutger. Talk about the social interaction you had with the organization that you feel will help you better assimilate into the Rutger crowd. Let the admissions officer know how you plan on changing the landscape of Rutger based upon your experience with the organization. That should place your essay on strong footing and totally align it with the prompt.

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Suvekcha, your generalized participation in the organization will suffice. But do not spend too much time discussing what you did with the kids. It would help your essay if you could discuss the kind of work your organization did in totality. Don't just concentrate on the kids interaction with you. Try to make it all inclusive. You need to show that you have developed more than just baby sitting skills. You have the opportunity to show how your work with the organization over the past five months has helped you reach a new level of personal or intellectual maturity.

Your last paragraph should be used. However, I believe that it will be revised once we have completed the revision of the earlier parts of the paper. Don't worry about the conclusion for now. Let's just concentrate on trying to tell your story in the most impressive manner first :-)

Graduate / The Right Click - SOP for Graphic Design [2]

Alija, this does not sound at all like a Statement of Purpose. Instead, it sounds more like a college application essay. In order to write an SOP you should be talking about your important academic internships, your current professional commitments and background, and your future goals and ideas for your career. Those are the factors that develop your statement of purpose. A masters degree is supposed to help you climb the professional hierarchy of your current office. The idea, is to study a field related to your college major or current work position with the goal of attaining professional advancement position wise. Meaning, you go from rank and file employee to supervisor. Your essay, while quite detailed, does not show any career progression ideas on your part, nor any ambition to improve your field of expertise in the future. All of which combine to create your statement of purpose because , those important information become the purpose for your study and career advancement. I hope that you can revise the essay to lean more towards the points that I have mentioned above. Feel free to ask questions if there are some points that are not clear to you. We are all here to help :-)

Research Papers / Canadian education - My aim in study [8]

Rupy, since you already wrote some sort of draft for this assignment, I guess that can be used as the basis of helping you to revise this essay. The main reason that it is hard to help you at the moment, is that you did not tell us what the assignment is about. What is the essay prompt? How are you expected to answer it? What information is necessary to present in the essay? Right now, we cannot decide how to best help you because we don't have any guidelines for reviewing your paper. Once you upload the necessary information, I am sure that we can help you revise your essay. Remember though,we will not write the paper for you. We will only advice you regarding the methods by which you can clean up the problems of your paper. The actual writing is still your job :-)

Scholarship / I`m Architect, I want to apply to Masdar Institute - "Statement of Objectives" [7]

Hi maWad, we will be more than happy to help you write your essay as soon as you upload your first draft to the thread. We don't really write the essay for you here. We just advice you regarding how to write it, what to revise, and then we assist you until you reach the final version of the paper. Since we are not familiar with your background, we really cannot help you write this essay. You have to write something, anything, that we can use to compare against the prompt so that we can advice you regarding the best way to answer the prompt, what to add, what to remove, and what to enhance in order to create a good impression of yourself in the essay. In other words, you write, we help. You better get started, we don't care how unpolished it is, or if the grammar is horrible, we are here to help you fix that :-)

Undergraduate / I had never expected that Economics would become my dream major - UIUC essay [4]

Heather, you were able to successfully answer the prompt. There are just grammatical errors that need to be cleaned up. So let's get started on that shall we? :-)


- I never expected Economics to become my dream major when I joined the Economics Club during my senior one year. Let me explain why this was a sudden realization for me.

- When I first joined the club, our first task was to start our own business. I was puzzled about how to do this because I was clueless about economics, had no experience in business, and had no idea about how to create a business plan. Yet I still gave it a try. I started by reading about the basics of economics and familiarizing myself with the rudimentary requirements and terms of the field. Eventually, I developed a fundamental understanding of economics that helped me participate in the club task.

- The plan was for me to sell self-made postcards on the premise that people believed hand made products were more special and exquisite. My target, were the students at our school since they were a captive audience and thus, would result in huge sales, market credibility, and a profit within our school environment. After forming my basic plan, I used my pre-acquired photography skills to take two weeks worth of photos at school for use in the postcard,created my product, then implemented my business plan.

- Using the selling principle that explained that the best way to sell my product would be to position myself in a high traffic place, I positioned myself in front of the dining hall. My stall caught the attention of every student coming out of the fining hall, making them stop to look at my wares out of curiosity. Though I was not able to sell many postcards, I was able to create visibility for my product by introducing my item to the consumers, thus completing the goal of the exercise.

We have a problem with the conclusion that you wrote because you were not able to present your future goals towards the end of the essay and that is a requirement of the prompt. Can you please develop that idea so that we can further work on the essay?

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Suvekcha, you have written a pretty solid essay that really provides a relevant experience. There are just some grammar issues that need to be corrected so let me help you with that now :-)


- Born and bred in Nepal, which is a small and economically poor country, I grew up highly familiar with the illnesses and myriad diseases that affect people all year round. Nepal is severely affected by poor health, poverty and illiteracy. It saddens me that I am not able to help my fellow Nepalese in a way that can change their lives. I always ask myself "What can I do for them?" It is one thing for me to feel pity for them and their plight, it is another thing for me to commit myself to helping them. I knew that eventually, I would find a way to help my people, and my chance came a few month ago.


- I joined a youth organization in Nepal known as SAATH, which, in my language means togetherness. We have been working together with other trainees, volunteers, and support groups to aid children affected b HIV AIDS and I have to say that working with them has been the best 5 months of my life so far. The organization helped me do something for the Nepalese people whom I wanted to help. I developed a sense of responsibility as a part of this group because the children looked up to my leadership and they in turn, inspired and motivated me to help them learn and grow, even though their future was uncertain.


- This does not help the essay because in the next paragraph you go back to discussing SAATH, which should be the main concentration of this essay.


- I hope to engage the help of Rutger University in achieving my objective of continuing to help the Nepalese people. Through my experience with SAATH, I know that I can bring the plight of the Nepalese to light in the United States. Through my participation in the student community, I know that help can be sent back to them. Being exposed to the worst kind of human conditions has helped me prepare for a career in the healthcare field, specifically public health. My work with the organization has helped me develop a deeper insight into healthcare that I believe has prepared me well for my future studies as a Rutger student.

I hope that my suggestions can further help you enhance your essay. Please don't hesitate to ask questions if you need to. We are here to help you perfect your essay :-)

Writing Feedback / Do we need a teacher to learn English? [5]

Chloie, you present solid reasons in support of the discussion that teachers are necessary in order for students to learn English. I am pleased to know that you took an English verbal class some time back as well. It shows in the way that you write. However, you still need to practice your written English skills because some of your sentences really need work. Let me help you by showing some of those corrections now.


- Our society mostly relies on written text for the transfer of knowledge and skills. When it comes to the transfer of language learning, it is important to learn both from the written text and verbal practices of the language. Therefore, it is vital that an instructor or teacher be present to assist the student in this learning process. Through this essay, I plan to discuss some effective language teaching methods that can be applied only through the help of teachers. Thus proving that teachers are necessary in order to learn a foreign language such as English.


- English students are normally asked to translate the written word from their native tongue to the English language as a part of their English comprehension skills development. Through the help of a teacher, they can familiarize themselves with the language and ask clarification questions regarding any translations they are unsure of. I still remember when I was a student preparing for an English internship interview a few years ago. My teacher allowed me to write specific questions that might come up during the interview so I could prepare my answers in English beforehand with her help. I still remember how she corrected me and I still use the lessons that she taught me about the English spoken language to this very day.


- Chloe, you need to strengthen this particular argument. It is not strong enough because it does not have any factual data to support the line of reasoning the English as a medium of instruction is more effective in teaching students. Neither do you present facts that prove that students learn to speak and understand English better when taught in this manner.

Your conclusion also needs work because it continues to present even more ideas and concepts about the teaching of the English language. So you need to discuss those in separate paragraphs before actually writing your concluding statement. I hope you decide to revise your essay. I hope to assist you in perfecting this particular essay :-)

Undergraduate / I felt rejuvenated when researching about issues completely unknown - MIT Short essays [5]

Melati, the first thing that I catch about you in these essays is that you enjoy academics so much that you can't stop doing things related to it even when you are relaxing. That is what was reflected in your answer to the first essay about how you spend your time relaxing. Your comment about building the debate team and nurturing it tells us that you have strong leadership skills that can be nurtured to the benefit of the student community of your potential new university.

The second question though, I am not sure if you were able to answer the prompt properly because in my understanding, your response should have mentioned the reasons why you are attracted to specific departments of study at MIT. But instead you posed questions about things you did not understand and the hope that the university departments will be able to help you uncover the answers to your questions. I think you might need to analyze the question on a deeper basis, just to make sure that you are answering it properly :-)

Undergraduate / The word "Ethiopian" over the years have been manipulated to mean so many things nowadays [6]

Mismak, this is a better essay but it is still too long. Can you tell me what prompt you are trying to answer with this essay so that I can help you decide which portions to shorten, revise, or delete? Those are some of the steps that we can take to help tighten the essay and make it more relevant towards displaying the information that the admissions officer expects to read in the essay. Right now, I am still not sure what message you should be trying to convey. Is it a story about your central identity? Is it an obstacle in life that you had to overcome? Or is it simply a general statement about who you are? Once I am sure of the question we are trying to answer, we can begin to edit the essay towards its solid form. It will still require some editing on your part but at least you have done half the work already, the essay is already too long so we will definitely need to shorten it :-)

Undergraduate / Half of a Whole (death of twin brother) Personal Statement [3]

Mireya, this is a very good topic for your Central ID essay. However, I feel that there is in imbalance in the sense that you spent a lot of time dwelling on the fact that you are a twin rather than just presenting the fact that you were born as a twin, your twin died. That is the end of that. The build up for the essay should be after the death of your twin. Just skim over the way you felt incomplete during highlight events of your life because of the lack of a twin to celebrate with. Then immediately jump to how you eventually realized that you needed to use the death of your twin as a positive and inspiring force in your life. That will make the essay more interesting and relevant to the central topic of the development of your identity.

Undergraduate / "vegetarian manner of living would most beneficially influence the lot of mankind" Ignorance = Bliss [3]

Rebecca, this is not an essay that answers the prompt. You are being asked to address an issue that affects you or mankind directly. Instead of sounding like you are challenging the idea that eating meat is bad when compared to vegetarianism, you instead come across looking like you are preaching and trying to convert the reader instead. There is no real issue here that you are addressing which is of valuable impact to the world or yourself. Instead, you offer information about the evils of meat eating and how it affects human health. There is nothing in the essay that shows that you are trying to help spread the positive word about vegetarianism. Instead, you sound like you wrote an argument essay instead. Not once did you mention how you are helping to change the misconception people have about vegetarians. Instead, you tell us that you hold steadfast to your belief about vegetarianism. One thing is clear though, you will make the same decision should be be given a chance to live your life again. So the problem with the essay is that you are arguing instead of presenting your stance.

By the way, it is important that you write two essays for the two schools since one has a word limit and the other one does not. That way you can tailor your answers to best suit the prompt provided. So you need to tell us which essay you want to perfect first, the word limited one or the unlimited one. It is quite obvious that this one is for the unlimited version. Which is why it is too long and arguable in stance rather than informative. Try not to argue with the admissions officer, just present your ideas in a way that does not offend the meat eaters if possible. Remember, you need to be politically correct in application essays more than you need to insist that your stance is the right one. Just a word of caution there :-)

Undergraduate / 'I spent plenty of time watching television' - your major and your school; why did you choose it? [3]


- Danyal, for this portion of the essay, you would do well to mention a specific program or movie that inspired you to become an Engineer. It is not uncommon for your dreams for a career to be inspired by films and television. So showing us what influenced you would definitely add points towards understanding the basis of your dream :-)


- Why did the idea of becoming an engineer become more intriguing. Don't tell us about college fairs and job fairs. Tell us why you want to be an Engineer. Keep the part about talking to your father as that is important in the development of your interest in the field. Don't use the word interrogate because it connotes something negative.


- Try to reformat the paragraph. In its current form it sounds more like you settled for Northwestern because you did not have any other choice or it was closest to what you were looking for. Instead, you need to sound like you had NU in mind all along and you never thought of attending other universities.You should never let the admissions officer feel like his university is a second choice for you.

By the way, your essay needs to be divided into paragraph format in order to qualify as a properly written essay. You currently have it all bunched together as one long paragraph which makes it very long and confusing to read. You should divide it into topics to make the discussion clear to the reader :-)

Undergraduate / Fixing connectedness - UM Pre-Essay [2]

M. Riley, your first essay is quite good. However, the idea of teaching at Sunday school depicts an image of you teaching a group of kids about religion more than anything else. So perhaps you should expand upon what kind of activities you teach the kids about in Sunday school just to show how your Sunday school teaches more than just bible stories and the like. From the way you present the story, it seems that bible school is not a part of Sunday school so you need to be sure that the reader understands exactly how you participate in Sunday school so that we can understand why you would want to do that for the rest of your life.

Both essays present a strong look at your personality and do not need to be revised in any way as far as I am concerned. Your band membership story takes us deep into the back story of the band, introducing is the "Music Librarian" position that is not well known to most people. Thus creating an interesting essay for the admissions officer to read. The way you related it to the unified band movement also shows us the way you function in the band community and how important you are to them and vice versa. Good work!

Undergraduate / I make "to do" lists (I love organization) - UVA essay on Quirks [4]

Anne, this is a very interesting quirk. The stories you related about how it helps you keep your life organized and ensures that you finish all your tasks on schedule is admirable. However, I believe that you could have used this quirk to also explain how the post it notes will help you become a successful college student as well. Remember, post its seem to be the best friends of students, it is sticking out of their books and notebooks all the time. So if you can somehow relate the quirk to that, I think that the quirk will prove to be the most important aspect of your personality and student life as well, thus making the essay more effective and memorable for the reader.

Undergraduate / "Across the Bridge" Prompt 1 Central ID Story - Common APP essay [2]

Jesus, this is admirable essay. However, I believe that you need to develop the voices that you hear in your head as you pedal your way to school. Use one voice for every part of the journey over the uphill bridge. Present the stereotype and show us how you overcame it. Towards the end, as you get over the final obstacle, explain how you plan to use college as your stepping stone away from poverty and the life that society seems to want to doom you to. By doing so, you will be able to successfully present your identity and how you plan to continue to develop it as a person while you attend college. If you can try to write the essay from this point of view, I may be able to help you polish it to better fit and align with the prompt. I hope you consider it. It is not overly dramatic in form and will allow you to present various facets of your struggle to find your own identity in the process.