Undergraduate / GAP year essay for common app required explanation. Mount Holyoke College Applicant [6]

Enjila, you have done remarkable work with this revision. Even with the existing grammatical errors, it is easy to tell that you have spent the past year of your life quite productively. I believe that after we fix the grammatical errors, your essay will be ready for submission. Let me see how I can help you with those errors, if you don't mind that is :-)


- I felt that I needed to realize where my true passions lay and what field of study I wanted to concentrate on. I knew that the only way I would be able to sort things out and get the answers to my lingering questions was to take a sabbatical from school, a gap year. I just needed to rest, relax, and figure out where I really wanted to go with my life after high school.


- ( As an addition). I knew that up till that point, my life had no meaning and no direction. I knew that I had stared death in the face and survived, so I needed to do something productive with my life after that. This realization led me to search for some volunteer work that could help me find myself and give my life meaning.


- This should kick off a new paragraph. You already have a transition sentence using the addition I suggested in the previous paragraph.


- ... by the inability of our government to provide for the people in the rural areas.


- I now have a clear understanding of the subjects I want to study and the accomplishments I want to have in life thanks to my gap year.

Graduate / Write about experience - Description about my Internship [13]

Nurba, since you are allowed to use the listing format for your application, I suggest that you use it to the fullest extent. The listing format will allow you to give a detailed description of your internship experience without having to worry about the wordiness or over descriptiveness of the statement. In order to effectively use this format, list the name of the company, your job description underneath and then beneath that, number your work responsibilities from the most important to the least important. Do this for both internships. Do not write in essay style with the listing format. Go directly to the description of the work you did. Don't number it either. Use special characters instead. An asterisk or bullet points normally work best in listing style.

I hope you can upload the listing style version of your essay here so we can help you with it some more :-) That is if you want to use the listing style. I believe it will be easier for your to use in your essay since you have limited work experience and the list will make it seem like you did more important things on the job than you actually did :-)

Undergraduate / We are not so powerless as it seems - Bentley [9]

Philipe, the essay is a bit confusing because you are jumping around between how you became involved with the KSpace volunteer program, then introducing us to Dani and that he is the reason you volunteered, he was a family friend, and he helped you reevaluate your priorities. The way I see it, You should first mention Dani and why he was the reason you volunteered for KSpace. After you establish that all of the other information you can provide about your work as a volunteer will fall into place and be better accepted since it will no longer be confusing for the reader to understand :-)

Undergraduate / Nigerian - I have always felt like an outcast - Wisconsin Unnoticed essay [4]

I believe that you can also use this essay for your central identity prompt but you will have to make some changes to it. I would suggest paraphrasing it because you never know when universities might check if you have submitted the same essay to other universities. You can use this as the template for your next central identity essay since this has already been revised to suit the needs of such an essay. Just state the same information in a different manner in order to make it work for other universities. If there is a need to add information to make it a new central identity essay then add some information. You can also delete some information if you think it will help you answer the prompt better. Editing the essay to suit your needs depends upon you. We can offer guidance whenever you feel it is necessary :-)

Undergraduate / Diversity is a beautiful thing. Imagine how boring the world would be if it were homogenous [8]

Andrew, the first thing that I asked myself when I started to read this essay was "What question is he trying to answer?" While you tell us that this is the answer to a Vanderbilt application prompt, we have no idea what that question is so we cannot really review the essay based upon the question provided. Would you mind letting us in on the application prompt?

In the meantime, I can make a few comments about the content of the essay. You started off by talking about diversity and how it is a beautiful thing. I think you were trying to relate it to sports at your school but then somewhere along the way, the essay got lost and started talking about how the sport of cross country running impacted you as a person. Which of the two topics does the prompt require you to discuss? Or are you supposed to discuss both matters in one essay? I hope you can clarify that point for us so that we can provide you with more concrete reviews and comments about your essay :-)

Undergraduate / A Secret Worth Sharing [4]

Amelia, your essay talks about the secret that you are a runner right? That being the case, I am wondering how the following statement from you fits into the totality of the essay:


I thought you were going to talk about your hidden desire to become a musical genius or something in the essay but that wasn't the case. Since this part of the statement is not relevant to the rest of the content, I suggest that you delete it. Keeping it really makes the essay confusing. I found myself constantly asking, how does music fit into this? Then I reach the end and I feel cheated because there was no other reference to music aside from that sentence. You should restructure the sentence to reflect your secret about running instead :-)

Graduate / Write about experience - Description about my Internship [13]

Nurba, the above essay only need to be corrected for grammar issues. That is something that I am saving for the last part of your revision work because we need to perfect the content of the paper first. The essay works in chronological order which is the specific format the essay requires (newest work experience to oldest) and summarizes the work experience where ever possible. the grammatical issues and other sentence structure problems can be dealt with once we are both satisfied that the requirements of the prompt have been properly addressed :-) Feel free to ask any more questions that you feel will help you better understand the requirements of the essay or if you require more guidance with the revision :-)

Graduate / I am keen on focusing on culture and cultural management for my further study [4]

Chen, since you asked :-) ... I would advice you to develop more information about your participation in the Nanjing Youth Olympics and totally drop the museum reference. The reason I suggest this is that I watched the Nanjing Games this past summer and found the opening ceremony to be a highly interesting and diverse presentation of cultures from across the world. I believe that it would carry a tremendous amount of convincing power because it presents you in an immersed situation related to the masters degree that you are pursuing. Sharing more about this event could work to your benefit because it is your most recent and relevant experience pertaining to your interests in culture and cultural management. If the Olympic Games or Youth Games don't highlight cultural management and culture, I don't know what else will :-)

Research Papers / The 'King Kongs' - Caltech - Honor Code Essay [10]

Laan, this is very good. However, I believe that you should offer an explanation about your own school's honor and integrity system aside from your teacher's expectations. That will offer more support and provide a stronger reason for your refusal to help Ryan in the way that he wanted. Remember, the essay itself makes mention of the importance of honor and integrity to their own Caltech student honor code. By showing the admissions officer that you come from a school that has a similar background, you will be able to let the reader know that you share some commonalities with their university which will benefit you as an incoming student.

Writing Feedback / Schools, parents, and students would benefit with the requirements of wearing uniforms [4]

Biviana, there are a number of grammatical problems that weaken your almost perfectly argued essay. I hope I can help you learn more about grammar usage by correcting your essay below. Please compare what you wrote to my suggested mode of writing:


- ... Uniforms give schools a better learning environment. It also allows parents to better budget the school expense of their children and saves the parents time when it comes to washing clothes. As for students, uniforms allow them to come to school without having to worry about fitting in fashion wise.


- Schools will also benefit from the uniform policy because the learning environment will be calmer due to the equality that uniforms provide to students. Principals and school staffers will not need to worry about any students violating a dress code and bullying will be minimized because there will not be a reason for students to envy each other due to fashion.


- Parents tend to benefit the most from a uniform policy because buying uniforms cost less than buying civilian clothes for school. These savings can be used to buy other educational supplies during the school year. The students and parents will also no longer have to argue about the school clothes the children will wear to school. As a result time will be saved in getting to school on time.


- School uniforms deliver the message that a child is a responsible, independent and helpful person. Therefore the school uniform helps increase the self esteem of a child. As such, the child will take greater pride in his appearance and encourage him or her to take charge of getting dressed for school properly everyday.


- We can therefore conclude that wearing a school uniform carries many benefits for students, school authorities, and parents. In order to ensure a safe learning environment and a more economical school year for the parents, schools should encourage the wearing of uniforms.

Use my suggestions as the template for your revisions :-)

Graduate / Traveling to a new places, studying new things and learning more about different culture and psyche [4]

Man, there are a number of problems with your essay. Even before we can address the grammar problems, we are faced with the fact that your essay is suffering from an identity crisis in terms of the format of the paper. Is it a curriculum vitae or bio data? Is it a letter to a higher authority? Or is it an essay directed towards stating your statement of purpose for Msc application? You need to take the time to sort out your thoughts and decide how you really want to write this paper and then revise it into the proper format.

Then you need to consider certain aspects of the essay that include, the purpose of your advanced studies in oil and and gas engineering. Considering that you already said you do not have any background in the field, the first question an admissions officer will ask himself is, then why is applying for this course? Since a masters degree is often studied in relation to your current career and career advancement plans, it would seem that there is no reason for you to be enrolled in this course. You need to convince the admissions officer that it is imperative for you to complete this masters course even though you do not have a background in it for a specific purpose. Without that convincing reason, your application may not be as effective as you think it might be.

There are many reasons that a person will apply for a masters degree in a specific subject. However, it is not common for someone without a specific career path in that particular field to apply for masters studies. Therefore, you need to prove the reasons why you should be admitted for such studies by presenting a convincing statement of purpose. Right now, there is nothing in your paper that will convince an admissions officer to consider you for admission ot Msc school.

Graduate / Write about experience - Description about my Internship [13]

Nurba, much better. It is highly informative without being a lecture for the admissions officer to read. Now you have a concise essay that answers the prompt in the shortest but most informative way. If there is any part that you should expand upon a little, it will be your current work experience because that is the one that the admissions officer will concentrate on learning about, since it is the focal point of your essay prompt. It is in that portion that you should provide any information about accolades or new technology that you learned about. Overall though, the essay works well in terms of introducing your professional career, achievements, and training.

Undergraduate / For the past 10 years of my life, I have been deeply involved with my district's 4-H Program [2]

- I feel that this paragraph can be omitted in favor of the next one which is more important since it tells us all about your participation in the club and its activities. This paragraph is just a filler because it talks in general instead of specific terms with regards to club activities. This paragraph is about the club, not you so it should not be included in the final version.Instead, you should present us with an overview of your activities in the club before you became president. so we can get an understanding of this particular extra curricular activity from your point of view. You can talk about the lessons you learned and other interesting tidbits that only a club insider would know about.

The rest of the essay works very well in my opinion. You were able to present the activities you are involved with in the club and also offered us an insight into your sentiments about aging out of the organization.

Undergraduate / "choose career you love, and you'll never have to work a day in your life" - FIT admission essay [4]

Rylee, I have some suggestions for you to consider which I believe will help your essay develop more in line with the essay prompt.


- You can develop this sentence into its own paragraph by explaining how fashion has already been a part of your life, aside from the virtual game. Explain how and why you were enticed to look into fashion as a career. What influences were involved? What was your thought process that led you to this conclusion?

- Creativity and determination are common place as a reason in these types of essays. Unless you can state some major accomplishment that will make it stand out for you, such as starting an online fashion business or winning awards and accolades for your early fashion work, this is just a part of the essay that will just be a ho-hum part of your application. This is the most important aspect of the essay. The reason why the university should seriously consider you for a student slot. So don't be generic in this discussion. Make yourself stand out. Mention any achievements you have had in fashion, regardless of how insignificant you might think it to be.

[quote=heyitsrylee]- Try to write a different statement. This is irrelevant to the prompt. What they want to know is why you should be considered for a student slot. What you think of FIT and New York is irrelevant and only removes attention from the more important aspect of the essay which is selling yourself as the best possible student that FIT can admit this coming semester :-)

Undergraduate / I had never expected that Economics would become my dream major - UIUC essay [4]

A few sentences of whole paragraphs about it, either way will work. What is important is that you are able to present it to the admissions officer with an explanation of how you will attempt to achieve those goals with the help of their university. Although not directly stated, it is implied that your method of achieving your personal career goals will entail the help of the university and its teachers. So develop your goals from that point of view. It would help if you had a 2 or 5 year career plan to present. That will show how serious you are about making it as a professional in the field of study you chose to enter.

Writing Feedback / Do we need a teacher to learn English? [5]

Chloe, simply put, you are being asked to explain whether you believe that teachers are necessary for the teaching of the English language to foreign language students. The statement is meant to indicate that you believe in the need to have teachers assist in the teaching of English as a foreign language because it is difficult to learn a language far removed from your own without the help or aid of someone who is familiar with the language. The teacher is meant to help guide you in the learning process hence the reference to "teachers are necessary in order to learn a foreign language such as English". Remember, each language, if spoken in a country where you do not speak the language becomes a foreign language to you. Therefore, you need to learn how to speak it and in all instances, the guidance of a professional comes out as all too important in that learning process :-) I hope I was able to clarify things for you :-)

Undergraduate / "Sobremesa" - UChicago; untranslatable, personal word [6]

Shannon, you will need to use a transition sentence to explain that you are giving an English version of the Spanish paragraph then. It is a bit difficult to do because you chose to write a whole paragraph in Spanish which, although impressive, and I am sure that your intention was to make an impression, affected the overall effect of the paper. Remember, you are only being asked for a word, not a whole paragraph. I believe that the best thing for you to do with regards to this situation is to just immediately give the word and the rough English translation. That will lead you to use the translation in the second paragraph as your introductory paragraph instead. That should work better because you will immediately provide your answer to the prompt and provide ample development within the paper for your explanation as well. Try to see if my suggestion will work for your intentions. I believe it will :-)

Undergraduate / 'sitting on the steps of the Low Memorial Library' - Columbia University essay [6]

John, the thing is that you really made the reader think that you were planning to major in architecture because of the way you wrote the essay. That is not a bad thing though. It just shows that you have an eye for detail. I do not believe that you should use the description of NYC and the Google office because it is far removed from the setting of the university, which is what the prompt is all about. Here is what I suggest that we can do to improve the essay. Tell me what it is you want to say, I will create a template for you to follow, then we can polish and improve upon whatever you come up with using the template. Will that work for you? If you want to try it, let me know the specific details in your next post :-)

Graduate / Write about experience - Description about my Internship [13]

Nurba, is there any way that you can just summarize the positions you held there and offer only the most important tasks that you performed or learned on the job? This portion of the essay is too long and provides too much information about the minutest task that you performed. The admissions officer does not have the time to sort through this list of job descriptions for the most important ones. Just tell him the most important aspects and move on. That should be the format for all the job descriptions that you will be providing in the statement about your internships. You need to learn to sort between impressive and so-so job descriptions. You are out to impress so keep it short but admirable for the reader to learn about :-)

Undergraduate / The sky flamed like an overripe mango; vivid reds and oranges spilling into the horizon. [3]

Sarah, I agree with Shannon in this case. You just need to revise the introduction to the paragraph. I know that you were batting for creativity in that part but it really backfired and made the reader think you are currently 65 years old. I would rephrase it in this manner; " I will be 65 years old in the future, surrounded by a sky flamed like an over ripe Mango, vivid red and oranges spilling into the horizon.I will see clouds catch fire in the sky and fear that the same will happen to me. I don't want to be 65 in the future and look back on the past years of my life only to see failure and regret." Or something along those lines. The essay itself is strong. It is just the introduction that got a bit confusing for you to write and for the reader to comprehend :-)

Undergraduate / "Sobremesa" - UChicago; untranslatable, personal word [6]

Shannon, remember, not everyone who reads this essay speaks Spanish, so you should at least offer up a rough translation of the statement you made in full Spanish at the beginning of the essay. It will help to explain why there is also no good English translation for the word sobremesa.


- America is a society of ...


- Remember the grammatical rules, you can't start a sentence with "And". Simply say "Sobremesa is just that."


- Again with the translation :-)

Overall, a very good essay. You smoothly explained why it is impossible to translate this word to English :-) Just a few points left to address in order to perfect the paper :-)

Undergraduate / Expression Through Hair - Common App Essay [7]

Props for a well written essay Kennysha :-) You really wrote a very informative and creative central identity story. Most people would not think that a hairstyle could help define a person and embolden that person with a new sense of confidence and air of responsibility. Reading about it in your essay shows the reader that there are more ways to answer this prompt than previously thought. It is an essay that thoroughly screams "This is who I am!" and succeeds in explaining why you should be accepted for who you are :-) A quick question though, could you add something in the essay about how the bun hairstyle your mom insisted upon affected you when you were in school? How did the other students react to it? Such a statement coming from you will add further strength to your decision to take charge of your hairstyle and help show that you did not just want to defy your mother which is why you finally decided to change it.

Writing Feedback / Grades are the motivation for students to study better, they can create a competitive environment [3]

Vns, your essay, while delivering good reasons to support grades as a motivation for learning, needs a lot of grammatical work. I don't know why but it seems like you are struggling to improve the way you construct English sentences. It does not have to sound highly educated, nor does it need to use big words that you think are impressive to read on paper but don't work to enhance your sentence at all. You just need to be able to express your thoughts coherently, using the correct simple English words. When are you taking the TOEFL test? You really need to work on this aspect of your essay writing skills. I will help you with this essay in the hopes that it can motivate you to learn how to take your time in writing the essay and encourage you to choose and think about the words you use when expressing yourself in English.


- Grades motivate students to study better because of the competitive environment it creates in the classroom. It is the indicator by which a student is judged by his teachers as being ready to advance to the next level of his education and whether a student is ready to step out of his comfort zone. These are but some of the reasons that I believe that grades encourage students to study and learn.


- Man is competitive by nature. That said, the the classroom setting encourages competition among students who study alongside one another. They are rated individually, hence creating the competitive atmosphere that encourages them to study harder in order to get higher grades than the others. Grading allows students to gauge their competition in class and also allows teachers to see whom among the students are fast learners. This allows the teachers to adjust their teaching styles and offers the students an insight into their learning abilities.


- Grading influences most students in a positive way. Students who see that they are getting good grades ambition to become more in life by attending college and universities because they know they can do their chosen jobs well. While others, who do not get good grades, are discouraged from attending higher education institutions but then, have a natural skill to succeed in life. Basically, grades do what they are meant to do, serve as the inspiration for students to continue doing well in their studies.

Please work on your conclusion by developing the proper format of restated prompt, summary, and your conclusion. Thanks :-)

Graduate / I had an opportunity to observe many different speech pathologists in many environments [2]

Taylor, depending upon the kind of personal statement that is required by the university, this essay will come out either too short or too long. You cannot tailor your personal statement for general submission. However, you can use what you wrote as a template or basis for your future personal statements. Remember that the personal statements will come with specific prompts that are meant to answer certain questions about you. You cannot guess what those questions may be so you can't really develop a general personal statement. Not to mention that universities do not take kindly to generic essays and believe me, the admissions officers know where they are reading a template answer to their essay prompts.

That said, you have really written a very good and solid generalized statement. It should give you a clear idea of the information you can use to answer both the personal and common app statements from various universities :-) I would suggest though, that you try to include more current work experience into it so that you can also use the PS as an SOP when necessary. The story about Nathan is an excellent foundation for your desire to become a speech pathologist. However, you need to develop your exposure from that in such a manner that will show how you have interacted with more needy children than Nathan and that your desire to help them has only been increased. Don't forget, the masters degree is supposed to help you ascend the career hierarchy in the future. Mentioning solid plans for your career in your personal statement will also help it along.

Writing Feedback / My bad experiences help me to fight harder and to go after what I want - CBEST essay [3]

Biviana, the essay you wrote definitely needs some work. Let me help you with the grammar aspect. You have already said all you have to say about this matter so it is time to edit it for word count and grammatical errors :-) I will post my comments about the paragraph content whenever necessary.


- At some point... or defeat that cause a negative... the way a person sees his life. The experience can help shape his life ... teachers and staff due to the...

- I arrived from Cambodia in 1995. I was enrolled at the local high school where I simultaneously felt scared and excited. Starting the 9th grade, I found it difficult to get around the campus because I could not speak English well and the others could not direct me because I could not express my needs to them properly. We could not communicate. I was even further lost during class because the medium of education was English. I felt the rejection the most each time I asked my classmates for help or when lunch time would come around and I could not tell the cafeteria lady what I wanted to eat. Everyone was annoyed with me. I was depressed and frustrated and did not have any refuge at school except the restroom where I would cry during the lunch hour.

- I struggled every day, with some days worse than the others. There were times I felt like demanding to go home to Cambodia, or I felt like dropping out of school. What was the use when no one could understand me at school? Needless to say, I was held back in the 9th grade due to poor academic performances. I was really discouraged and I felt like I would never improve, I would end up working as a cleaning woman in other people's houses. Like they say though, with every dark cloud comes a silver lining. I eventually found mine.

- The rejection and struggle to succeed helped me realize that I need to work harder than most people and I can never give up. When I got over my self-pity, I took extra classes and worked on my English skills. I wanted and needed to graduate on time. It was hard but I never let the negative thoughts get the better of me anymore. Eventually the rejection became the driving force behind my success. The bad experiences, ensured that I would go to college and not be what society said I should be, a cleaning lady. Now I understand that the obstacles are here to challenge us. To help us build our goals and push ourselves towards achievements others never thought we could accomplish.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: People have always been seeking for their basic needs - Shopping Habits [3]

Reza, this is a very interesting essay. You have made some good points but you need help in properly expressing them. Let me try to help you out by showing you how to best structure these sentences for the benefit of your reasons :-)


- People seek their basic needs by shopping. Product purchasing is a common behavior among many societies which is why there is now an argument as to whether people shop depending upon their age group or according to their needs. I believe that there are more reasons to consider than just the age of a person when it comes to their purchasing habits.


- While people within the same age bracket tend to shop for similar things and may share the same interests, these do not necessarily mean they buy the same goods. Others buy for entertainment purposes, some for quality and services, and others, because of their needs in life. Therefore, one cannot really judge the shopping habits of an group based solely upon perceived buying habits. Nobody can really tell how and why people buy certain things.


- The determination of buying habits can instead be measured somehow through the financial abilities, level of education, and culture of a person. Those financially stable with disposable income tend to have different shopping habits when compared to those from the lower financial strata, regardless of the age factor. Intelligent people are also believed to use analytical skills when choosing products to purchase while others, shop instead for the sheer enjoyment of it.

Undergraduate / I hated ballet- Common App Essay [5]

Megan, while you need to learn to use commas when discussing successive activities in one sentence such as you did in your introduction, and you need some grammar her in some places, this is a very solid piece of writing that is worthy of submitting for consideration. My only apprehension is that I do not know what the prompt you are trying to answer for this common app is. I am sure that once you let us know what the question being answered is, we will be able to better advice you regarding content and editing of the essay. Don't be discouraged. This is a very good piece of work. You obviously applied a lot of thought to answering the question and you most likely did that very well. Our job here though is to look for the errors that you may have not seen while writing this. We can only look for the tiniest errors you made if we know what we are looking for :-) So please send us the common app prompt as soon as you can :-) Thanks.

Graduate / I am keen on focusing on culture and cultural management for my further study [4]

Chen, you should flip your essay around. You accidentally saved the most interesting paragraphs for the last part instead of placing it at the essay so that it became a part of the statement of purpose hook. Below you will find my suggestions for the proper order of your highly interesting and impressive essay.

There are also grammatical errors that need to be addressed within the essay but I always believe that unless we fix the chronological order and content of the essay first, it will be useless to immediately fix the grammar errors. That is because the way the essay is presented can and will still change. Kindly reformat the essay in my suggested manner, if you agree with it that is, so that we can move on to correcting other areas of the essay :-)

Undergraduate / Essay on swimming - it's part of my life - Babson [8]

Philipe, I was able to bring it down to 99 words. See if this works for you. Feel free to use it or make it the basis of your next revision :-)

I've always thought that being short and and chubby were good reasons for failing to swim successfully. My coach disagreed with me by teaching me that I had two paths to choose from in life, either I try or give up. I knew I wasn't trying hard enough to improve at swimming but after our talk, "striving to succeed" became a part of my character I became stronger, faster, and competitive. I learned to excel at challenges through perseverance, commitment and tenacity. By swimming, I learned that there no incapable persons, only people who are not willing to try.

Writing Feedback / Internet have opened up new doors for people who need recent information or news [2]

Hamed, you have written an essay that leaves its main thought process under developed because you have tried to cover too many topics within 30 minutes instead of just one. The prompt has given you the option to do that. Why didn't you take it? If it were up to me, I would have written this essay from the point of view that access to too much information causes problems. I would then use Facebook and Google as an example of how access to private information of people places the internet users at risk because these companies sell private information to third parties. A move that does not give the internet much security and allows complete strangers access to a person's background which they can use against him. As examples of this, I would use hacking, phishing, and cyber bullying / blackmail as examples of verifiable problems created by the internet.

You should revise this essay in order to better develop a single thought. Remember, you only have 30 minutes to write this essay. So don't confuse yourself with too much information. Just stick to one reason and build it up. That will leave you with time to review, revise, and finalize during the test.

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Suvekcha, let me know if this conclusion I am suggesting works for you. Feel free to use it or make it the basis of your new concluding paragraph :-)

Working with SAATH has better prepared me for a college career in the sense that I now have a clear concept of what hard work, perseverance, and patience in regards to achieving one's goals is all about. I hope to apply those newly developed traits of mine during my academic stint at Rutgers University. Working with children who do not have the ability to get a good education without the help of others has taught me that the only barrier to learning is oneself. If one desires to achieve in life, nobody can stop him or her from achieving that. My desire to actively learn through internship program participation, mentoring programs, the highly experience professors at the university, and my mingling with the students of Rutger will ensure that I achieve those goals without fail.

Undergraduate / For the past 17 years of painful transitions I have gained great understanding of different cultures [3]

Kareem, this is a really short essay considering the complexity of the prompt that was provided to you. You really have the space for proper paragraph development if you wish to do that. You have not actually answered the prompt either. While you spoke of things that reflect your idea of London, you failed to make any reference to the university and how you would be able to help enhance their academic and social community. Is there any chance that you have an idea for the significant contribution that you can make the the university community? You need to develop something impressive such as starting a new club that will help new students immerse themselves into the school community or something like that. Without that response, this essay falls dead in its tracks. It becomes useless because it does not offer the kind of insight that the admissions officer and committee needs or wants to hear about. I strongly suggest that you revise the essay because of those problems that I caught for you :-)

Undergraduate / If I'd follow the path of what society thinks about ways to become successful, I would fail. [4]

Jason, we need to know what question you are being asked to address in this essay before we can make a comment or offer suggestions as to how to improve it. I can see some grammatical errors that need to be addressed but I will refrain from correcting those until I know what exactly we are dealing with here. That is because the advice I will give you regarding the changes to the paper will depend upon the question being answered. That way I or we will know how to direct the essay towards answering the prompt :-) Right now I can tell you that the essay carries two interesting topics but I am not sure which one should be better developed or chosen while the other one fades into the background. Hence the need for the essay prompt. Here's hoping you can post the instructions or prompt for us soon so that we can help you with this paper as soon as possible :-)

Writing Feedback / Spend money on long last thing or spend on short term pleasure;e.g. buying jewelry or takin vacation [4]


- Hanyue, this introduction would have passed even with the grammatical errors had you not forgotten one important thing, you forgot to restate the prompt for the essay in a paraphrased manner before you presented your opinion on the matter. So as a thesis statement, this introduction is incomplete and would affect your overall grade.


- Your reasoning in this aspect is shallow and you spend all of the paragraph discussing only your point of view. To bring a better balance to this essay, you need to discuss the opposing side or at least mention it in a sentence or two so that you can refute the opposing statement and in the process, make your statement look like the stronger, more correct one.


- Don't forget, some people enjoy investing their money in the long term. Whether positive or negative in result, they enjoy spending their money in this manner. So you cannot really insist that these people are unhappy or that investing money is bad for everyone's health. While you presented your uncle as an example, the reality is that the reader will take your comment collectively and will end up offending some people. So choose your words and try to use a better example that might not hurt others.

Your summary is flawed because it should only restate the prompt, provide a summary of the facts, and finally, present your opinion as the closing sentence.

I hope that you will find my comments useful and that you will come back here with the next draft of your essay :-)

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

It certainly helped enhance and explain the kind of work that you do within the organization and why the organization does its charity work. I realize it may be hard to elaborate on what kind of work you did with them, but I am glad you were able to come up with this sentence. Imagine, just adding that single sentence said volumes about your volunteer activity. Now, what you need to do is develop your final paragraph because at the moment, it is good but has room for improvement. I am sure that you are now very familiar with the academic and social demands of Rutger University. In the final paragraph you need to develop the idea that your work with the organization has better prepared you for the rigors and demands of Rutger in both the academic and social setting. Try to connect your teaching experience with the kids with how you hope to learn more at Rutger. Talk about the social interaction you had with the organization that you feel will help you better assimilate into the Rutger crowd. Let the admissions officer know how you plan on changing the landscape of Rutger based upon your experience with the organization. That should place your essay on strong footing and totally align it with the prompt.

Undergraduate / Born and bred in Nepal, I am familiar to myriad diseases people fall prey to all year round [23]

Suvekcha, your generalized participation in the organization will suffice. But do not spend too much time discussing what you did with the kids. It would help your essay if you could discuss the kind of work your organization did in totality. Don't just concentrate on the kids interaction with you. Try to make it all inclusive. You need to show that you have developed more than just baby sitting skills. You have the opportunity to show how your work with the organization over the past five months has helped you reach a new level of personal or intellectual maturity.

Your last paragraph should be used. However, I believe that it will be revised once we have completed the revision of the earlier parts of the paper. Don't worry about the conclusion for now. Let's just concentrate on trying to tell your story in the most impressive manner first :-)

Graduate / The Right Click - SOP for Graphic Design [2]

Alija, this does not sound at all like a Statement of Purpose. Instead, it sounds more like a college application essay. In order to write an SOP you should be talking about your important academic internships, your current professional commitments and background, and your future goals and ideas for your career. Those are the factors that develop your statement of purpose. A masters degree is supposed to help you climb the professional hierarchy of your current office. The idea, is to study a field related to your college major or current work position with the goal of attaining professional advancement position wise. Meaning, you go from rank and file employee to supervisor. Your essay, while quite detailed, does not show any career progression ideas on your part, nor any ambition to improve your field of expertise in the future. All of which combine to create your statement of purpose because , those important information become the purpose for your study and career advancement. I hope that you can revise the essay to lean more towards the points that I have mentioned above. Feel free to ask questions if there are some points that are not clear to you. We are all here to help :-)

Research Papers / Canadian education - My aim in study [8]

Rupy, since you already wrote some sort of draft for this assignment, I guess that can be used as the basis of helping you to revise this essay. The main reason that it is hard to help you at the moment, is that you did not tell us what the assignment is about. What is the essay prompt? How are you expected to answer it? What information is necessary to present in the essay? Right now, we cannot decide how to best help you because we don't have any guidelines for reviewing your paper. Once you upload the necessary information, I am sure that we can help you revise your essay. Remember though,we will not write the paper for you. We will only advice you regarding the methods by which you can clean up the problems of your paper. The actual writing is still your job :-)

Scholarship / I`m Architect, I want to apply to Masdar Institute - "Statement of Objectives" [7]

Hi maWad, we will be more than happy to help you write your essay as soon as you upload your first draft to the thread. We don't really write the essay for you here. We just advice you regarding how to write it, what to revise, and then we assist you until you reach the final version of the paper. Since we are not familiar with your background, we really cannot help you write this essay. You have to write something, anything, that we can use to compare against the prompt so that we can advice you regarding the best way to answer the prompt, what to add, what to remove, and what to enhance in order to create a good impression of yourself in the essay. In other words, you write, we help. You better get started, we don't care how unpolished it is, or if the grammar is horrible, we are here to help you fix that :-)

Undergraduate / I had never expected that Economics would become my dream major - UIUC essay [4]

Heather, you were able to successfully answer the prompt. There are just grammatical errors that need to be cleaned up. So let's get started on that shall we? :-)


- I never expected Economics to become my dream major when I joined the Economics Club during my senior one year. Let me explain why this was a sudden realization for me.

- When I first joined the club, our first task was to start our own business. I was puzzled about how to do this because I was clueless about economics, had no experience in business, and had no idea about how to create a business plan. Yet I still gave it a try. I started by reading about the basics of economics and familiarizing myself with the rudimentary requirements and terms of the field. Eventually, I developed a fundamental understanding of economics that helped me participate in the club task.

- The plan was for me to sell self-made postcards on the premise that people believed hand made products were more special and exquisite. My target, were the students at our school since they were a captive audience and thus, would result in huge sales, market credibility, and a profit within our school environment. After forming my basic plan, I used my pre-acquired photography skills to take two weeks worth of photos at school for use in the postcard,created my product, then implemented my business plan.

- Using the selling principle that explained that the best way to sell my product would be to position myself in a high traffic place, I positioned myself in front of the dining hall. My stall caught the attention of every student coming out of the fining hall, making them stop to look at my wares out of curiosity. Though I was not able to sell many postcards, I was able to create visibility for my product by introducing my item to the consumers, thus completing the goal of the exercise.

We have a problem with the conclusion that you wrote because you were not able to present your future goals towards the end of the essay and that is a requirement of the prompt. Can you please develop that idea so that we can further work on the essay?