Undergraduate / The Art Institute of Dallas admission essay [10]


I think that you mean to say "ever since I was a young child..."


I'm curious. Was this your first exposure to such a realistic piece of art?


You could expand on this a little more. Make it a little more dramatic. What challenges did your pregnancy bring to you? Let the reader know the full difficulty of your situation.

You should talk about how you would be a good addition to their school.

Come to think of it, your pregnancy without expansion really has nothing to do with the topic. First you talk about how you became interested in art. This is fine. Then you throw in a pregnancy that seemingly shows your perseverence but is never really clear in its relation to the rest of your essay. Did your pregnancy dampen your dream to study art? How did you overcome it? Did you come out of that experience stronger?

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]


Haha Liebe. This person has 3 posts on this forum and he already anticipates your infamous feedback. Impressive.

Undergraduate / "my laugh" - UCF application essay - first draft [14]


Hmmm...I'm curious. Did the doctors tell you what your problem was called? Did they put you on medication? If they did, how are you sure that it was not the medication that healed you? I would leave God out of it. Not that I'm against your religion or anything. It's just that it seems a little randomly assertive. If that makes any sense. Again, just curious.


I'm guessing that "the worst of times" will mostly be emotionally related. How will you be able to understand them through your physical infliction experience?


This is not a concluding sentence.

Undergraduate / "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"; Community Problem Solving [7]


True but arrogant.

Stunning introduction but weaker conclusion. The surgeon thing comes so suddenly. I would say something that leads up to it or just take it out. A lot of the things that you say CMPS has taught you is not exemplified in your narrative. Perhaps you should focus on one thing like how CMPS taught you that your work can provide life changing results for deprived families instead of listing off everything that you've learned.


Community problem solving? You only solve problems in your narrative by gathering money.


Like I said, this is too sudden.

Undergraduate / Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed? [10]


Woah there Talia haha...

Indigga, you can include that but word it differently.
I hope that you post what you come up with.

Undergraduate / Which topic for college essay would be more likely to succeed? [10]


Don't try to explain your grades away. It's not necessarily true that your grades are bad because of exracurriculars anyway. It's not all about time management. You should've have your priorities straight in the first place.

If you can tell your chess story vividly then that will be your best bet.

Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]


If you read any of Noto's response to me you would know that Taiwanese=Minnan which is a type of Min dialect. According to Noto Sudanese is a dialect of Arabic. I am surprised that you did not know that Taiwanese is a type of Min since you say that you are fluent.


Read Noto's posts. We do believe that you have touched these languages but to what degree are you fluent? It seems like a grand claim.


Yes you should have :] I'll teach you if you want haha.

Undergraduate / Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"' [17]

The topic is fine. Fix your intro. The essay kept me reading.

Undergraduate / Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"' [17]


Is this why you felt compelled to register? This sentence has a confusing structure.


Establish a connection with Chinese history?

Your introduction is a little weird now.


Coach.



As opposed to a fake one?


Bold is confusing to me.


Tense issues.


It came with your ambition? What?

Undergraduate / 'The state of confusion' - UF essay...my surgery. [6]


Many people. How did you already suspect yourself of having cancer before you were diagnosed?


Just say that you were in an overwhelmingly confused state.


Noticed what? Noticed your tumor? How do you dismiss a tumor?


Sounds like your sucking up here. Why is UF the epitome of a good university?

Again, your surgery seems to have very little connection with applying to UF. How will surgery effect your college experience? How will surgery contribute to UF? Surgery only made you want to have good stuff in your life.

Undergraduate / "The negative impacts of capitalism on the world" - issue of importance [9]

Haha your topic reminds me of a debate tag that my friend came across while researching. "In capitalism, even the rich live in poverty. They have poverty in the mind." or something like that. Anyway.

This is not a term paper. This is personal.

Your introduction is just an average argument against cap. I don't see how you are going to continue this essay.

Writing Feedback / Concept and story line good; I need help with correcting the grammar in my essay [4]

Just post the essay on here and the masters of the English language will all help you. I promise ;)

Undergraduate / Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App [14]


^I agree. Your paragraph about tech now comes up randomly. I don't think that books are disappearing quickly anyway. I would like a more focused example of how your love for editing came about.


Broad.

PS. Your posts are very amusing Talia haha...with all the faces and stuff.

Writing Feedback / "Memom, how did you draw this?" Topic of Choice Essay -- opinions and critiques [5]

Your writing is good but your essay leaves me slightly confused.

I think that your essay is trying to tell me that you overcame the high standards you set for yourself in art. Your essay tells me that you are dedicated. It could also tell me that you lose interest in things easily. Do you enjoy drawing? Or do you just enjoy the thrill of accomplishment?

If this essay is meant to show your determination I don't see why you mention basketball and cello in the middle. How did you lose interest in art? How did you start to like art once again? Did you take up art again to challenge yourself with drawing the model? I thought you had lost interest in art. So why would you feel obligated to draw it? Did you take up art again because you lost interest in cello and basketball?

Undergraduate / "Crossroads" - Common App Personal Essay [10]


That's deep


Not sure what you mean by this.


This is some famous speech material right here.

Your essay is beautiful down to the last word.

PS. Do not post useless comments onto other threads just so that you can post your own thread. This is very selfish. Others on this site spend an incredible amount of time to offer detailed feedback. If you expect this kind of attention you must first give it to others as well.

Undergraduate / Peace Corps Essay Question (discovering new things, overcoming challenges, conquests) [6]


You do not answer this part of the prompt. This can be a problem.

Undergraduate / Which is the better way to write? Prompt 1-UC Essay [3]


This would be a good part of your essay if you can relate it well enough. I don't see how overcoming the obsticles of an immigrant would directly bring you closer to becoming a pharmacist.

Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]

Well he does say that the reason he want to study in that department is because of nanotech so that bit was clear to me. The reason he wants to study nanotech is because he wants to change the world haha.

Maybe I am looking at this in a far more simple way than you Liebe...

Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]

I think that this answers the prompt directly. Although his reason is a little broad.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

How thoughtful of you. Most people look at superheroes and wish that they could fly or blow up stuff. :]

Watching superheroes is your initial motivation when you were six but I would like to see another thing that pushed you even further towards recognizing your goal to become a surgeon.

Undergraduate / "It takes more than good academics" - Florida State University Essay [11]

There needs to be more content in your essay before we go all out on it. Right now it is definitly not nearing it's final stage.

You could have took simone's advice and left your grandmother in.

Undergraduate / highly zealous, energetic and motivated - UT Austin - Statement of Purpose [7]


Resounding? Is this a correct way to use this word?

The only paragraph that talks about you is your first paragraph.


How do you serve your country?


What does any of this have to do with the rest of your essay?


At least tell me how you plan to display your passionate attitude.


Well admissions will certainly know a lot about Pakistani government after this.

Other than some empty characteristics (empty because they are not exemplified) in your introduction nothing in your essay tells admissions about you.

Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]

I think that you do a nice job. I'm not sure if MIT wants to ask why its department appeals to you or why the area of study in general appeals to you.

Undergraduate / Hard work was preferable to the expense of neglected morals and sore back - Ethical dilemma QB essay [9]

Ah I give up haha.

Undergraduate / "It takes more than good academics" - Florida State University Essay [11]


The reason Simone wanted you to add this is because you need to expand on it. Right now this sentence is just a awkward attachment.

Undergraduate / Hard work was preferable to the expense of neglected morals and sore back - Ethical dilemma QB essay [9]


English is full of surprises.

Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]


They speak a type of southern min which is known as Taiwanese Minnan or just Taiwanese. I think it's ok to just say Taiwanese. Not everyone knows that Taiwanese people speak Minnan, which might cause confusion.

Undergraduate / Hard work was preferable to the expense of neglected morals and sore back - Ethical dilemma QB essay [9]


Massaging the knot out of your back? Knot?


Dog-tired? I've never heard such a phrase.


What would be your definition of "normal" food. Why would this contribute to the fact that you stopped eating fast food.

Undergraduate / animals, artwork, sciences - present yourself to the Committee on Admissions [3]


Plural and singular agreement issues.


You "recruited" dogs?

The question asks for what you would want admissions to know about you. Why would you want them to know that you have owned many pets? Unless you want to become a vet or something.

Your supposed to be selling yourself.


Does this mean that your MCAT score is surprisingly low? Don't try to explain your scores away.


Please don't question the test.


They know.

Undergraduate / Reading has always been a favorite pastime of mine. - Common App [14]

What I gather from this essay is
-you like books.
-you don't like how tech is replacing books.
-you want to become an editor to save books.

1) I don't know why you like books besides the fact that they smell nice and are multicolored.
2) You present tech in a positive light when you really want to show that it is not as good as books.
3) Why an editor? How does that save books from being taken over? If it does not then why do you talk about how you fear books from being converted to tech?

Undergraduate / "Soccer is my inspiration" - Common Application 150 word essay [5]

There was no moon over the soccer stadium, but it was after midnight, the risers still crowded, and our soccer team was playing in the state finals which had been taken to a penalty shoot-out. People had taken off their visors and straw hats, and the night now was windless and warm. Weak sentences.

It was my chance to be an irredeemable villain or a coveted hero. A goal would result in a Championship win and a wayward shot would result in the door being blow open for the opponents.This sentence is confusing.

I line up the shot and say to myself "this is everything you've trained for". Momentarily I lose myself to a world of trance and when I'm back in the present I am mobbed by team mates backed up with huge cheers. All at once I feel like I am exactly where I want to be.Weak sentences. Twelve years, a hundred matches, one Trophy. Soccer is my inspiration. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Undergraduate / Common Application. Personal Statement. ''Dragon boat race"' [17]


You mean you saw this on a school notice or you heard this event from a school announcement?


This sentence is confusing.


Random. Not necessary.



What you mean is you sat in front of everyone else. I don't understand how you alone decided the boat's speed.


What?


You stayed curious and joined in.

Without grammatical errors this essay gets to the point.

Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]


And I thought that I was learning Spanish for nothing.

Undergraduate / "It takes more than good academics" - Florida State University Essay [11]

Well don't trash it just because of my suggestions. Wait for others to comment on your essay. You have some good topics to expand on in this essay such as your grandmother's death and your dancing capabilities. You just need more focus in your essay. Don't jump around and try to mention things that don't contribute.

Undergraduate / Compare yourself now to when you were younger.. [12]


Although this is a weird sentence your viewpoint is interesting. This sentence does not belong in your essay however.


It took me a second to understand this haha. This is quite interesting.

"Just like growing up makes you bigger in size when you're still the same person and look similar to what you were, my different qualities have also become bigger in sizeQualities cannot become bigger in size , although not always for the best, for no one is perfect."


Feeding my fish illustrates how I like to feed my fish.

Undergraduate / Signif. Experiences: Bitter and Sweet--UF application-suggestions? [11]

Very interesting essay. Your narrative can be improved. This essay answers the prompt. However I cannot identify how earning the award effected you.

Undergraduate / creating music - Common App 150 word essay [6]

Ah I see. I think that this essay works for the 150. I don't see where it would go if you were to make it your long essay.

Writing Feedback / Spanish Language proficiency [15]


three other dialects of? You cannot speak fluent Chinese by the way, you speak fluent Mandarin. Also, I doubt that Indonesia is a language. You understand three other dialects? This implies that Indonesian is a dialect. Mandarin is a dialect.


How is it more practical? This is arguable. This sounds like your dissing French.

Undergraduate / Purdue personal statement - interest in science [15]

Why do you suddenly go off talking about how you like biology and then end the paragraph with "Having a degree in chemistry would help me get a science career that I enjoy."? Your essay is 270 words! How are you fitting 2 different topics into an essay that is half its suggested length?

Variations of the phrase "I like..." are used too many times.

I became interested in science as a child. I would always read books about science and do "experiments" such as mixing vinegar and baking soda. My interest in science continued throughout my life and now I plan on majoring in chemistry and minoring in biology. A college degree will aid in my search for knowledge by allowing me to learn new information.

My first few years of high school I was not interested in any particular subject over another. I went from class to class without giving them a second thought. When I took chemistry my sophmore year I became increasingly passionate towards it. My interest in chemistry continued to grow throughout chemistry I and chemistry II. I like chemistry because I enjoy learning how things work at the molecular level. I later realized that chemistry is everywhere and is related to many other sciences.

My junior year I took AP biology, along with chemistry II. That year I also became attracted to biology. I liked learning about living organisms and how they work. In AP biology, we went on a field trip to a Sam Rhyne genetics conference. We learned about the newest technology and progress in genetics. The genetics conference held my attention the whole time and it was very engrossing. Having a degree in chemistry would help me get a science career that I enjoy.

In conclusion, a college degree will open many new doors for me, allowing me to have many choices in life. It will also help me attain a career in science that I will be passionate towards, and help get into graduate school.

Undergraduate / Volunteerism is like this: Rewarding Experience [7]


The charitable assets of a doctor?


What are these stereotypes you speak of...


Of course you knew your reason...


This sentence is confusing. Doees this mean that you signed to be a guinea pig for your rent?


Who is they?


Your growing sense of need for human connection. What made you want to connect to the victims that you had no relationship to?


One of the purest acts? What made it pure?

Your essay has a lot of grammatical errors but I won't dive into that.