Undergraduate / 'Real people' - UT at Austin topic essay A. Important person [8]


Cut all of this. Such general statements say nothing about you, and only waste the reader's time.


Ow. So first you cast yourself in the role of Holden, thinking that most people are phonies in general, and then you insult the vast majority of people who go to church on Sundays as being hypocrites. Hope the admissions officer doesn't think of himself as normal or go to church on Sundays.


Referencing religion in an admissions essay can be a risky proposition. Religion and politics are two issues best avoided in polite conversation with strangers. You don't know what biases the admissions officers may have, and while it is good in theory to be yourself and stand up for your principles, it is foolish not to keep your intended audience in mind when writing an essay such as this.

Overall, the essay doesn't say much about you, except that you are cynical and Christian. Neither of these qualities will necessarily make you a good student, and many might view either or both as quite likely to make you a worse one. Decide what you want your essay to say about you, then rewrite it to show that quality through a narrative anecdote drawn from personal experience. Even if you decide to stick with the current topic, you need to be more specific about what you got out of your youth group experience.

Writing Feedback / Solution to the global climate change [2]

This doesn't seem like a fair prompt. There is no way you can write enough to give a thoughtful answer on a timed test. Still, you might try to go into a bit more depth than you do. None of the things you list are practical solutions to the problem of global warming, even if you grant that man-made pollution is the cause. The scope of the problem and the scale of the solutions are orders of magnitude apart in terms of degree.

Undergraduate / A Personal Statement- father's birthday [8]

This is a sad, moving story that obviously affect you deeply. As such, it makes a great essay topic. You just need to polish it a bit. For instance:


Not something you need to tell the admissions officers.


The use of the word "still" makes it sound as if you continued behaving as you did before, without changing, which isn't what you are trying to say.

Undergraduate / "my memories" - Help revise my UC personal statement! [2]


If you know it sounds cliche, why don't you think of more original phrasing. And yes, it is cliche.


As is this. Or perhaps trite would be a better word?


Spending time with your friends makes you happy! Shocking!


The old loss of a grandparent made you sad! Your emotions are so wildly different from anyone else's! Thank whatever deity you believe in that you explained them to me. Also, the loss of grandparent is only slightly less common, and hence dull to read about, as a topic for these sorts of essays than the loss of a beloved pet.


And back to trite, general statements that tell us nothing about you.


Oh, dear God, that's it! I stopped at this point. You actually are going to write about the death of a beloved pet! I was worried about my previous comment on the grounds it might seem like trivializing the death of your grandfather, but you actually did find the loss of a pet more worth writing about.

You need to capture the reader's interest right way in this sort of essay, and your current introduction doesn't do that, to say the least. If you must write on this topic, launch into it directly. Also, make sure the essay says something good about you, rather than about your dog, as it is you, and not the dog, that wishes to be admitted.

Scholarship / IvySelect Scholarship Personal Statement [8]

It sounds too good to be true. This is a problem.


First, you say you are doing this to broaden your skills rather than to contribute to the university. Second, and much more important, it raises the question of when you plan to actually study. I suppose you could join all these clubs and participate in each of them fully and still get good marks, but it seems to me as if you simply haven't thought through the time requirements involved, or else are making up a list that you think will be impressive without intending to follow through.


Actually, you might want to focus more on the "local area," thing, given your target audience. And why Africa and China? And what exactly do you intend to do to help out the people there?

Overall, you need to be more specific when discussing your plans, providing concrete details that show that you have really thought your answer through.

Essays / A Balance Development Should be Free from Corruption [6]


Probably not, actually. We would need to know more, first. A balanced development of what or of whom? Free of what sort of corruption? By definition, things are better if they have not been corrupted, so your statement doesn't seem foolish, but it does seem incomplete, making it difficult to give you feedback.

Writing Feedback / the way to achieve fitness and health [2]

This seems like the sort of essay where it might help to explicitly define the term "normal life" in your introduction. A normal life for some might involve sitting in front of a computer all day and eating mostly fast food for dinner and lunch. I think perhaps what you want to argue is that it is better to make exercise and healthy diet a part of one's normal life, rather than going on special diets or taking up special activities to try to get into shape.

Essays / Hi I need some thoughts/ideas for an essay, The Myth of Individual Opportunity [7]

Get rid of your first paragraph and start here:

"The American Dream is the idea that anyone can succeed through thrift and hard work, and be potentially happy living successful lives."


Both Bill Gates and Steven Spielberg were born to relatively wealthy parents who enrolled them in good high schools, from which they graduated. They both did well enough to get into college, and spent at least some time studying there.

You still seem to oversimplify the issue somewhat, and to deal with it only shallowly. Try revising the essay to dig deeper into your subject matter.

Graduate / Identity - Law School personal statement [3]

Well, I read the first two paragraphs, which seem to have nothing to do with law school or your desire to get into it. I stopped at that point, because your essay rambles on for a long, long time, and because I have no interest in reading a long, rambling, off-topic essay. Neither will the admissions officers, I imagine. Admissions officers, even at the graduate level, have many, many essays to read, and will not appreciate one that takes up more of their precious time than it has to. For a law school, it is even more important that you show you can get to the point quickly, using only the most relevant details.

That said, your writing style and grammar seem decent. You just need to rewrite your essay so that it is more focused and clearly relevant from the outset, so that the reader wants to keep going.

Writing Feedback / Puerile Prince or Stalwart King: An Analysis of Shakespeare's Henry V [7]

Good job. Your grades are going up, and, just as importantly, you are learning stuff, which is the whole point of attending school. As for the discussion thing, that just means that after every quotation, you should have an explanation of why you quoted it, preferably focusing on one or two key words in the quotation. For instance:

"Henry and Williams exchange gloves in a promise to fight and Williams is unaware that he has just quarreled with the King. Henry amuses himself further when he sets up Fluellen to take Williams' blow by having Fluellen wear the glove in his cap and telling Fluellen that 'If any man challenge this, he is a friend of Alençon and an enemy to our person. If thou encounter any such, apprehend him, an thou dost me love' (4.7.163-166). This is a classic example of Henry eschewing responsibility for his actions and indulging in immature behavior. For one thing, William isn't an "enemy to" Henry's person. He is merely someone who has stated a glaringly obvious truth. Henry has done nothing by this point in the play to show that he would not save himself with a ransom, and his royal blood means he could do so if he wanted to, something his soldiers cannot count on. It is unfair for Henry to take issue with one of his subjects for speaking the truth. Worse, Henry does not confront Williams personally, but rather sets up Fluellen to fight for him, while leaving neither man aware of what the fight will actually be about. Essentially, Henry's feelings have been hurt by the truth, so he arranges a potentially dangerous prank by way of revenge, an especially immature act as he deliberately disguised himself in the first place specifically to hear the truth about how others thought of him.

Essays / practice: essays on cause ans effect or compare and contrast [9]

Start by researching the key terms. Once you know what liberalism, conservatism, and socialism are, you can start comparing and contrasting them. Do so, and post a draft of your work here for some feedback.

Undergraduate / Questbridge Essay/ Intellectual Vitality [4]


You want to build yourself a Klein Bottle, then.

Your essay is good overall. I'd tighten up the writing a bit. Try to say everything you now using around 10% fewer words.

Writing Feedback / low-paying secure job OR high-paying unsecure job? [8]

The TOEFL is a test of English proficiency. A clear thesis, with two or three reasons to back it up, express in English that is relatively free of grammatical errors, is all that is required to do well. We normally don't hold the quality of the arguments to a very high standard, as a result, when critiquing TOEFL essays. Also, bear in mind that these things have to be written in less than thirty minutes.

Undergraduate / "to become a United States Air Force pilot" - U of IL Essay [2]


This sounds a bit off. You wanted to fly overhead like an airplane? As a passenger in an airplane? As a crew member? A pilot? I can guess where you're going with this, but you should revise it anyway.


Never mind. I thought you were going to say you wanted to be a pilot, not an engineer. Your first sentence is therefore much worse than I originally thought, as it is actually misleading.


Wouldn't it be just as useful if you weren't enthusiastic?


This part is nice, because you reference a specific professor. And why, exactly, do you feel that way?


Oh, wait, you do want to become a pilot. Wouldn't an engineering degree be better if you wanted to become a plane designer?

Hmmm . . . maybe I just don't know enough about the ordinary career path for a pilot, but your decision seems odd to me after reading your essay.

Writing Feedback / ielts: academic module task 1 (Underground Station Passenger Numbers) [3]

Um, you do know we can't see the graph, right? I have no idea, therefore, if what you have written is correct or nonsensical.

Research Papers / Risk Management Thesis paper idea [6]

AIG took perfectly reasonable risks given that they knew the government would probably not let them fail. They therefore cannot be held responsible for what happened.

Do you agree? If not, why not prove me wrong by writing, say, a 12 page paper explaining why that view is incorrect.

Writing Feedback / why movies have become a part of life [3]

Try not to waste space with extra words.

Before: "There is no doubt that movie is one of the most powerful media means in the history of mankind. In the modern society, movies are popular and also becoming a part of our lives. There are several main reasons explaining for the popularity of movies."

After: "Movies are a powerful and popular media because . . ."

And now you have room to actually summarize your reasons.

Other than that, you have the basic structure down.


This is frankly a frightening thought, that one might actually think Hollywood movies reflect anything accurately, but it will do for this sort of essay.

Your grammar isn't bad enough to obscure your meaning, though it could use polishing. There are contributors who like fixing that sort of thing, though, so I'll leave you in their capable hands for that.

Writing Feedback / "My future job" - revise an essay; I allways want to be a designer [5]

First, space your punctuation properly. See just about any other post on these forums to see how to do that. Then, think of a narrative incident, something from your experience, that you can use to show, rather than tell, your love of fashion. Then repost.

Grammar, Usage / How to avoid contractions in writing? [11]

Yeah, the contraction rule is, to put it bluntly, stupid. But, if you are dealing with a teacher or professor who insists you follow it, then do so.

Contractions are words like "can't," "won't" and "don't." You identify them by the apostrophe used, and the fact that they are a combination made up of two words with some of the letters removed. For instance, "can't" is a contraction of "cannot." You can avoid them by using the full length of the word. Instead of "I can't do it," you would write "I cannot do it" or "I am unable to do it."

Contractions should be avoided at all times in formal academic writing pieces; they are informal and inappropriate, and many professors will count down for their use.

I hope this answers your question.

Undergraduate / Common App essay, rough draft (needs work) tennis [7]

You use weak verbs. This makes your essay less interesting, and probably longer than it has to be. So, go through your essay and replace weak verbs with stronger ones. You can read this article if you need more information on how to do that:

Writing Feedback / My two life accomplishments fedback [2]

You might wish to add some background information about yourself to the beginning of your essay. Apparently the incident with your father happened in another country? Which one?

Also, why are writing this essay? Is it meant as an admissions essay, or as an essay for class? It makes a big difference in evaluating it.

Undergraduate / Michigan LSA Essay: academic interest [4]

Great anecdote. Since you said it was a short answer, I'm assuming you have no room to reflect on the incident in more detail, which is a pity, since it invites a interesting discussion of risk calculation, cost-benefit analysis, and the like.

Undergraduate / Common App essay, rough draft (needs work) tennis [7]


I think you mean for *not* trying your best.

Also, try using stronger verbs. Get rid of all the instances of "is," "was," "were," etc. Doing so normally makes your writing more concise, which is good, especially as you need to shorten it anyway, and more interesting.

Undergraduate / 'some kind of medical career' - Umich admission essay LSA: career [5]

The content is fine. You need to work on your style, though. Mostly, you need to revise with a view to doing the following two things:

1. Use stronger verbs.

2. Vary your sentence structures.

At the moment, the weak verbs and monotonous sentence structures make your essay too dull to read for an admissions essay. Revise and repost.

Writing Feedback / Treating pets as family members is not a good way for human beings even though they are our friends. [3]

You've got the basic TOEFL structure down, a clear thesis, a couple of strong supporting arguments.

You could make some room for some more examples by avoiding wordy phrasing, though:

"Indeed, it is no denying to say many people like my friend now have a close relationship with their pets. They not only treat them as animals, but also as friends, or even family members. In my view of point,However, the disadvantages of this relationship far outweigh the advantages."

Writing Feedback / Essay based on an aphorism - Black Tees in August [8]


Well, you do explain what Twain means, as the above quotation clearly shows. However, I can see why Mustafa said you didn't -- you go off topic pretty quickly, and only barely touch on it again at all.

You might look in more detail at what it means to be "good." After all, what does it say about our conception of goodness if so few of us act according to it? You could also focus on how else the saying could be interpreted. For instance, could it be that many of the things that are thought of as "naughty" are in fact not immoral at all. Are many "vices" not so much real vices as merely things that some people happen to disapprove of? In which case, might it be that adopting a haughty, holier-than thou attitude becomes isolating? Or could it be that doing the right thing consistently and standing up for your principles is hard because it is isolating, as so few people ever act so nobly? And is this then a condemnation of society? Your own interpretation is probably closer to what Twain had in mind as his main meaning, but most aphorisms have multiple interpretations, and it can be fun to think about how those interpretations overlap and conflict in various ways.

Undergraduate / 'many influential figures' - who has made an impact on your life (My Father) [11]

Depends what one is saying about suicide. Without the essay it is difficult to judge. If you were discussing, say, how you coped with the loss of a friend or relative you committed suicide, that could be a very interesting topic, though one admittedly difficult to write about. If you were talking about it as something you had considered, then it is probably best not to mention it in an admissions essay, even though such thoughts aren't really that uncommon. It can provoke more negative responses than one would hope reasonable people would have.

Undergraduate / An experience or concept I have learned - what are they looking for? [5]

Which raises the question of why you want to be an economist rather than a marine biologist, but you usually don't have to pick a major in your first year anyway, so this shouldn't be an issue.

Undergraduate / Biological science - University of Michigan LSA short statement [5]

I was using "a serious academic in any field related to biology" as one term, and "creationist" as the other. The two are utterly contradictory. You may disagree with me on that, but I guarantee you that the admissions officers won't, and they are the author's target audience.

Writing Feedback / Explain the humanistic Approach to Counselling [3]


I like the irony of your explaining this in a coherent, well-written paragraph.



These two notions are not opposed, as you seem to imply. If people are products of their environment, then obviously it would be good to know their past history, so that one could see how their environment had shaped them. Behaviorists, do, however, focus solely on understanding and controlling behavior, without reference to an internal mental life. Psychoanalysts, on the other hand, are all about trying to understand and manipulate a person's internal mental life.


Perchance you should work this into a paragraph explaining the quote and its relevance to your essay.


So you admit that the humanist theory is a load of BS? And you believe that scientific theories are never abstract? I don't think you have said what you wanted to say, here.

Overall the essay jumps around a bit too much. You need to more clearly link the three forces. From the sounds of it, you have a thesis, antithesis, synthesis structure among the three forces . . .

Undergraduate / Biological science - University of Michigan LSA short statement [5]


Not a great opening. Too common, and this should be shown through your essay rather than told.


You can cut this and go straight into the narrative.


Better, because more specific than your previous sentences. If it were even more specific, it would be better still. What about the book entranced you? At seven, it seems unlikely that dense descriptions of the human body would do the trick. Were there pictures? Was a particular section of the book of interest? Etc.


Ow. Okay, if you are going to mention this, then you need to make it clear that you absolutely do not believe in Creationism, and have rejected those teachings. If you haven't, and aren't prepared to lie about it, then don't raise the issue at all. Religion is a dangerous topic to raise in an application essay at the best of times, and this particular aspect of the topic, treated in any other way than the one I have described, is likely to get your application thrown in the trash bin faster than you can say "Let there be light." Being a creationist and being a serious academic in any field related to biology is an oxymoron. It's sort of like someone who doesn't believe in the atomic theory of matter trying to become a chemist.


I like this part. You have specific questions you want to research, questions that are especially important given recent scientific discoveries.

Undergraduate / Very rough, very cliche essay (significant experience). Common App [16]

I like the essay overall. You did very well in middle school because you were smart and didn't need to study. As you progressed in grade level, your grades began to slip, and you realized you needed to work hard as well if you wanted to succeed. Hopefully, your grades bear out the truth of this.

The main changes I would make, many of which have already been pointed out by others, are these:


The idea of regressing to perfection seems, as Noto said, a bit odd. Revise.


The language here is a bit too blunt. You end up sounding judgmental, with a tendency to reductive thinking. In some sense the statement is true, of course, but still.


And here you flip to the opposite extreme. They clearly are not meaningless distinctions. The difference between someone with an IQ of 110 and someone with an IQ of 100 or 120 probably isn't enough to matter as much as hard work and dedication, but the difference between 80 and 120 probably is.

A better approach may be to talk about how you realized that success comes from a mixture of factors. You need intelligence and natural ability, the raw materials, as it were, but you also need to put in the time and effort necessary to shape those materials into something useful. A large dollop of luck doesn't hurt, either.

Undergraduate / A personal statement: reflection about different cultures [6]

You should revise after asking yourself the following question: "what do I want this essay to say about me?" You need every application essay to highlight a particular quality about yourself that would make you a good candidate for admission. At the moment, your essay doesn't really say much about you, other than that you seem to have moved around enough to have experienced different cultures. That can be a good thing, but you need to explain more clearly how your experiences have shaped your worldview and personality, and how these in turn have prepared you to be a strong student.

Undergraduate / "Vires, Artes, Mores" - FSU ESSAY- FASHION PASSION [7]

Yes, you have an interesting introduction, and have not wasted our time telling us what Vires, Mores, and Artes mean, which is good, because the prompt already tells us. As a result, your essay is already far ahead of most of the others we have seen posted here on this topic. The main problem with this essay at the moment is that all it tells us about you is that you are passionate about fashion. This, in and of itself, does not mean that you will be a good student who does well and contributes to the university atmosphere. So, you need to take Simone's advice, and show the relevance of your passion to your application.

Essays / Hi I need some thoughts/ideas for an essay, The Myth of Individual Opportunity [7]



These two statements are contradictory. If the American Dream means so many different things, then you cannot say it is *one* dream every American strives for. I do like your attempt to define the American Dream, though. You just need to come up with some unifying principles that underlie the various versions of it you mention.


I can see this leading to an overly simplistic discussion of the issue. What about someone who is born with an IQ of 50. How will such a person get an education? How will he succeed, even with hard work and determination? What about someone from a poor family whose mother comes down with cancer? How does someone having to shoulder those sorts of medical costs manage to succeed at doing anything but barely paying the bills (if they're lucky)? Bear in mind, I tend to agree with the general thrust of your essay so far. Many people won't, however. If even someone inclined to agree with you finds your approach too shallow, then you can imagine how negatively those who strongly disagree with you will react.

Undergraduate / UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill [10]

I preferred your original version. The introduction was stronger, as it went into more detail about the narrative incident. Your body was stronger, because it showed how much the issue meant to you be describing your political activities related to it. Your conclusion was stronger because more forceful. The only thing I liked more about this version was your discussion of the responsibilities of cyclists, which showed the ability to be thoughtful and objective even when considering an issue that affects you personally.

Writing Feedback / Rambo Verses the Boar; Descriptive Narrative Assignment [8]

This is more like it. You may not want to mention this, though:


Few people are concerned about the deaths of murderous criminals who were killed in self-defense.

Writing Feedback / low-paying secure job OR high-paying unsecure job? [8]

No, "no better" was the correct grammatical construction. It's just a different thesis than the one you were arguing originally.

Scholarship / The image of the young boy; Scholarship/ Lancaster [2]

Pretty good. Some minor stuff:

This drew me to study economics because e conomists are able to explain and affect people's livelihood. In my opinion, e conomics is about understanding people as consumers, producers, competitors, and above all as human beings with innate emotions.

"I have always enjoyed and been strong in areas that require problem solving and analytical and mathematical skills"


It is a well known fact that phrases like this are weak and verbose. Revise.

Poetry / What style is this? Is it even poetry? [12]

Write my soul in the clouds
Lay it bare for Truth to see
Find me wor thy of the light I've ga thered
Left by An gels who've flown with me

And on their wings I'll ride
Tilldes tinycalls me 'round
A time so short and sweet is done
As Iflu tter to the ground

Something like that. A lot of the smaller words, pronouns, conjunctions, and prepositions can change a bit, depending upon the meter around them. The poem seems to be mostly iambic. Bear in mind that few poems use wholly regular meter, as that leads to a sing-song that can be more humorous than the poet wants.