Writing Feedback / Writing Task I People living in three different countries of U.S. [3]

The graph below shows the population change between 1940 and 2000 in three different countries in the u.s. state of Oregon

Washington, Yamhill and Columbia

The alteration of human population in three different countries in the USA state of Oregon over a 6-decade period is presented in the line chart.

Overall, the rate of human population in all countries rose over the time frame. The chart also indicates that US citizens were more interested in living in Washington.

In 1940, 75 thousand Americans lived in Washington, twice higher than those living in both Yamhill and Columbia only accounting for 30 and 29. Thirty years later followed a similar trend when a gradual increase by around 50 saw in the number of citizens of Washington while a very slightly growth only witnessed in the rate of people in Yamhill and Columbia.

By 2000, there had been a marked rise to almost double in the quantity of people in Washington whereas the citizens of Yamhill and Columbia had increased slightly to approximately 90 for the former and around 75 for the latter. This made Washington as a city with by far the most density population at the end of the period.

• 
  12729064_10209106610.jpg
  

Writing Feedback / Clothes, travel, film and music's online sale of four different retailers [3]

The pie chart below shows the online shopping sale for retailer sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

New Zealand's retail sale 2003-2013

A breakdown of the proportion of online sales in four different retailers in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013 is revealed in the pie chart. Overall, the rate of online sales in both clothes and travel decreased while the reverse appeared to be true for the remaining figures. Also, the figure indicates that the biggest rise saw in the figure for film/music.

In 2003, the online sales of travel was the most favorite one at more than a half while film/music's online sales was in the third level (21%). In contrast, over the following 10 years, the former decreased slightly to 29% whereas a significant growth by 12% witnessed in the latter, making its figure overtake the travel retailer as the highest online seller at the end of the period.

Turning to other figures, it is seen that the figure for clothes occupied the second rate of sales at less than a quarter in 2003. However, by 2013, there had been a marked fall by 8% in the rate of online sales in clothes, causing it place the lowest percentage at the final year whilst a very small rise had only been seen in books figure.

• 
  12642439_12096292423.jpg
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2 Industrial and business center relocation [3]

In some countries, governments are encouraging industries and businesses to move to regional areas outside the big cities. Do the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

optimal location for business and industrial facilities

Some governments in several countries highly support that the industry and business center ought to be relocated to the outskirt area. This essay would argue that the drawbacks of the policy far outweigh the benefit.

On one hand, the main benefit of industrial and business relocation is decreasing volume of traffic congestion in the city. When the policy is held, goods distribution track is shifting and some roads in the city are no longer to be used by many vehicles. Besides, as the idea comes into effect, the employees automatically migrate to area nearby the building location, leading to a decreasing population rate in the left area. For example, since Indofood, one of food manufacturers in Indonesia, located in Bekasi, has been moved far from the city, the city is free from traffic problem. However, this might create a new congestion spot in the place where the factories are to be built.

On the other hand, the drawback which may appear when moving the industry and enterprise in the suburban area is environmental pollution. Industrial buildings certainly produce either liquid or gasses waste, which are often disposed improperly. Also, in the proposed place, air pollution will take place because of emitted fumes from a great number of vehicles used by employees. A report from CNN, pollutant index in Venezuela gets worst since one of the biggest companies has been relocated there. Sooner or later, the condition will bring the citizens living there at risky health, which in turn, threatens their life. This means that the demerit overpower the merit.

To conclude, even though there is a benefit of the relocation of business and industry, it seems to me that the policy has a more significant drawback.

Writing Feedback / Motivation Letter of Taking M.TESOL program in Monash University [3]

Hi..this year, I have big intention to continue my study. One of deciding factors to be accepted as the students is a good motivation letter. Thorough this, I convey that I really need your help to proofread my motivation letter. Thanks in advance.

I will make a difference

My name is Ahmad Ham, I graduated from Tobelo University, Elementary School Teacher Education department in 2008. With this letter, I wish hereby to state my motivation for taking TESOL program for my master degree.

My past two years, either working as a private English Teacher or being staff in Creative English Society, was filled with abundant experience. Not only teaching material, which should be mastered, but also class management, along with a proper teaching method to be used, was the matters which always makes this interesting to face. Besides, students coming from different background and ages are worthwhile experience I got since this broadens my perception of the idea in teaching TESOL class.

My intention to take further study emerges when I was encountered by many challenges during the teaching activity. It was common to see that students, I taught, were not enthusiastic to follow the class. They were always discouraged by many problems. Those interruptions either were family matters, or business closely related to meeting their basic necessities. In addition, it is the fact that there is still a lack of qualified practitioners who are capable of leading the organization, where I get involved, and can guide all staffs to improve their performance in teaching. This leads my co-worker and I to get confused how to solve some problems regarding to the pedagogical maters. The final issue encourages me to take an advanced study from renowned university is the fact that I come from an area, Tobelo, North Maluku, where equally educational quality is not seen despite a better education improvement occurred in the central city.

Heard about an opportunity to continue my study in Australia thorough scholarship, I believe this will be my best chance to improve my pedagogical understanding. I start searching some universities, which can equip me with best practical knowledge and skills of teaching methodology. Then, my preference comes to Monash University with some consideration. First, this university has an international reputation and its ranking is 65th in the world, according to QS World University ranking. Besides, program offered in this university fits in what I intend to boost, in which the improvement of teaching skills, language culture, curriculum, and bilingual issues will be main concern. Also, I got some recommendation from my friend who study in this university and said that TESOL program is one of the best courses offered.

With the great chance of taking TESOL program in the university, I strongly believe the issues I faced during the class and the nonexistence of qualified leader in my organization can be alleviated. Furthermore, thorough this, I also believe with some prospective understanding and skills from the program, I will make many differences related to the issue of educational inequality in my hometown thorough teaching volunteering programs that my friend and I did all the way.