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Posts by greynd [Suspended]
Name: Grey
Joined: May 25, 2018
Last Post: Jun 28, 2019
Threads: 3
Posts: 8  
From: Viet Nam
School: Foreign Trade University

Displayed posts: 11
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greynd   
May 25, 2018
Writing Feedback / There's a question whether school teachers should incorporate homework into the teaching scheme [2]

Homework for schoolchildren



Some people believe that school children should not be given homework by their teachers, whereas others argue that homework plays an important role in the education of children. Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion

People's opinions differ as to whether or not school teachers should incorporate homework into the teaching scheme. While there are some who assume that this exercise is futile, I opine that it is crucial to neither undermine nor remove the presence of homework out of the educational system.

It is justifiable for some to consider homework as a heavy burden for their children. The school day in some countries often lasts longer and as a result, children are often left exhausted and deterred to study more. In fact, the heavy study loads require students to focus sharply on the lessons, thereby making them physically and mentally drained. In addition, recreational activities have proved beneficial for studying from the perspective of cognitive ability. Schoolyard sports exemplifies this situation as it shows a link to cognitive function, in a sense that practicing it softly on a daily basis can stimulate creativity and improve memory.

On the other hand, it is a widely held view that homework is pivotal to the learning process. Revising at home by means of homework affords children the chance to learn about problem-solving and independent working. As children are able to work through their tasks individually and at their own pace, they can reflect on their mistakes and misunderstandings. This practice not only consolidates their knowledge but also enables them to adopt and adapt new learning techniques independently. For example, theoretical concepts which are difficult to comprehend within a short class session might be better analyzed and later applied by students if they do it by themselves.

To sum up, I believe that doing homework is an essential step in studying since its aforementioned drawbacks are eclipsed by the benefits it might bring about.
greynd   
Mar 20, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: Stay in the same type of work or change jobs time to time. Discuss both sides/opinion [4]

Hi buttercup,
These are a few problems I can spot from your essay, hope it helps.

1. "high competence and credibility in their field. Those achievement" - Achievement is countable and it is unlikely that employers do count high competence and credibility as a form of achievement.

2. Be careful when choosing words to form a collocation. For example, respectful status -> high status, retirement pension -> pension, income ...interrupted , etc.

3. You devoted a whole paragraph to state your opinion, which is good. However, your T.A score may suffer as you did not elaborate on some ideas (to save space for your opinion, obviously). Specifically, "Besides, new environment can also be ..." would be considered an attempt to reach some mysteriously standard length/ number of sentences for each paragraph.

4. "I believe whenever all the conditions meet ..." This is vague and hard to understand, please consider rewrite this sentence.
greynd   
May 10, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: NEW RESIDENTIAL CONSTRUCTION [3]

Hi hellomango,

1. Always include the original question. You are likely to be judged on how properly you paraphrase the question (in the opening paragraph)
2. Avoid using "According to the graph". It means that somebody said something but in this case, it's you who analyze the graph and come out with a general statement.

3. Run-on sentences in the Overview paragraph. Seperate the two independent clauses with a comma or combine with a conjunction.
4. You failed to "specify" or go into detail in the body paragraphs, which means you did not include any statistic/ number (which can be easily seen on the graph). For example, in Body 1, when comparing the South and the West, it's imperative that you present specific numbers (to prove the statement).

5. Revise sentence types and structures. You made several mistakes regarding this and it made both your CC and GR suffer.
greynd   
May 10, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Purposes of films [4]

Entertainment or education?



Task 2: Some people believe that the only purpose of films is to entertain. Others say films should have educational values. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Since the dawn of the entertainment industry, films have been a mainstream recreational pursuit, which can instill multiple lessons in itself in addition to their entertainment values. While some argue that the sole mission of films should be in the form of entertainment, I strongly believe that it should also portray the good and the bad of our society.

Some audiences might deem the inclusion of life lessons in movies a deterrent to a fulfilling cinema experience. People watch films as an escape from real life, as they have devoted most of their time to school and work; therefore, it is justifiable to expect a merely entertaining movie without being forced to grasp the hidden meanings that act as educative factors. For example, an action film fan would not be satisfied if he or she is presented with long-winded talks, which aims to educate viewers at the expense of his or her favorite fighting scenes.

However, I believe films should serve the novel purpose of informing its audiences alongside with the entertaining function. As films and movies are consumed more regularly nowadays, their impact on shaping our perception becomes more evident. A two-hour long film should raise adequate awareness of noteworthy issues such as feminism or environment depletion, rather than only fulfilling our inexhaustible demand for content. A typical case in point is the blockbuster The Avengers. It would not manage to exceed sales record every year without the lessons of humanity it communicates to viewers in every movies. The film shed light on matters such as overpopulation and racism, inspiring the audience to spark discussions worldwide and make problems heard.

In conclusion, while guiding the audiences through an exciting journey should remain the chief aim of films, it is equally important to portray specific human values, not only to avoid the content consumption loophole but also to stimulate people to do good deeds.



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greynd   
May 31, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS W2 - To what extent do you agree or disagree too much attention to wild animals and birds. [5]

Hi misaping,

- First off, you should always include a topic question (comprises of a context, a statement and what it asks you to do). This helps readers to understand and better evaluate your essay.

- This essay lacks an important part: Conclusion. Make sure you have already familiazed yourself with IELTS essay structure (which often includes 4 paragraphs).

- With regard to structuring a body paragraph, it's important to write a concise and meaningful topic sentence . You can elaborate on it later but do not extend as much as possible in this single most crucial sentence (which readers rely on to understand your outline really quickly).
greynd   
May 31, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Inconsiderate gaming and kids [4]

Please evaluate my essay. Thank you

children's excessive habit of gaming



Topic: Today many children spend a lot of time on playing computer games and little time on sports. Why is it? Is it a positive or negative development?

Children nowadays dedicate a significant part of their time to video games instead of physical activities. This phenomenon stems from a host of factors, ranging from the improvements in game design to the negligence of parents. I opine that this development would be detrimental to a child's growth.

Game designers are striving to keep their players online for longer and parents appear reluctant to address this. Online games now have great visuals, a fascinating storyline, and a reward system, which makes playing games more appealing than playing sports. Specifically, gamers can gain instant rewards without going out and draining their bodies. Parents are also to blame as they give their offspring the permission and the tools. For example, Vietnamese parents are being heavily criticized for permitting their children to use smartphones nonstop, in return for their obedience, such as finishing their meals.

Excessive gaming impacts children negatively. Firstly, they may not engage in healthy social interactions, hence their lack of social skills in the future. Studies have suggested that real-life interactions help to hone children's soft skills and adapt their behaviors to social norms, which is critical to their competence in adulthood. Additionally, spending to much time on games adversely affect children's health. Heavy focus on computer games instead of working out would not only impair the body's growth but also severely affect mental stability.

In conclusion, parents' carelessness and sophisticated game technologies are the culprits for children's excessive habit of gaming. Young individuals should be restricted to playing games less and be encouraged to engage in sports with their peers, as it benefits their social life and wellbeing.
greynd   
Jun 1, 2019
Writing Feedback / "throw-away" society. Causes and effects? [3]

Hi suong1510,

Nice essay overall. There is a problem regarding the example in body paragraph 2.

I know that it's hard to discuss a matter at length and thoroughly in an IELTS essay. But bridging A and D when there are also B and C will cause confusion. Return to the example, it's true that air, land or water pollution is the cause of multiple health issues, but it doesn't necessarily mean waste (in this case, waste of human consumption, not industrial waste, exhaust, etc.) is the root of everything.

If I was in your shoes, I would talk about a very direct problem: a shortage of landfills -> the need for more land -> maybe the loss of agricultural soil, wildlife habitats, etc. I think posing the right question will help to impress the examiner (even though we, the test takers, are not judged base on our ideas)
greynd   
Jun 1, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - AGREE OR DISAGREE? - Work from home only benefits employees, not employers. [2]

Hi ctyn1203,

I think you should be more careful paragraphing your essay.

As you "completely disagree" with the statement, I would expect two body paragraphs, each elaborates on one reason for your position. You may refute the statement by presenting a solution (as you did in body paragraph 2), but it's not wise to dedicate a whole paragraph to do that (and in terms of length, you failed to distribute equal word counts to both paragraphs, which may easily give out the impression that your ideas are not fully extended).
greynd   
Jun 4, 2019
Writing Feedback / Shopping, working and communicating with people via Internet, without any face-to-face contact [3]

Hi thaonguyen1st,

- I think you misunderstood the term "Internet" with "social media", hence your use of "social media" as the subject being discussed rather than Internet use in general. I can shop at eBay and work on Freelancer's sites, which are not social media at all.

- This essay heavily focused on communication (which I am doubtful about since the topic question stated shop, work and communicate). I think if this question had been analyzed under the perspective of shop-goers/owners, employees/ers, it'd have been much more comprehensive, relevant and refreshing (this is not required in IELTS writing though).
greynd   
Jun 24, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2- Developed and developing nations should both combat climate change [5]

Hi Katherine_Tu1101,

I do recommend that you follow a strict structure for each type of question. In discussion essay, you are expected to analyze both arguments in approximately equal length, which you failed to do.

More importantly, your focus should be on the body paragraphs (where most of your reasoning and examples are at). Writing a lengthy introduction and conclusion would do you no good. Show you critical thinking in the body paragraphs.
greynd   
Jun 28, 2019
Writing Feedback / Causes and solutions of reduced family ties nowadays [3]

Hi nguyentran9795,

In Body paragraph 1, I think you should rewrite the Topic sentence (TP) in a more general way (e.g.: a myriad of causes). The TP will be your main focus to elaborate on and support by supporting details. If you choose technology as the TP, the whole paragraph should enlarge on this idea, not mention any other causes, right?

That being said, I think you have a good control over essay structure (how to write every paragraph properly).
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