Undergraduate / "That is intellectual exhaustion." - Stanford Short Essay: Intellectual Vitality [10]

Hey guys, wondering if you could critique this:

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

Here goes:

It is intellectual exhaustion that makes this essay so hard to write: intellectual exhaustion, the product of intellectual vitality. Intellectual exhaustion, the kind that is all encompassing and totally immersing. Intellectual exhaustion, the kind that makes the ordinary extraordinary, and the kind I know will change my life forever.

I am spending this year just outside of Lübeck, Germany. Here, everything I experience is something to learn. Here, all communication is a true challenge. Never having learned German before, here I build everything I know from the ground up. Here, I am not just experiencing something new- here, I am discovering a new world.

In yet another world, great Buddhist master Shunrya Suzuki wrote that "in the beginner's mind there are many possibilities, in the expert's mind there are few". For me, this is especially true: I am like a baby opening his eyes for the first time. I am the epitome of a beginner. My possibilities are infinite.

It is my nature to seize every possibility. And, with infinite possibilities, my plate is quickly full: I am in Germany only a week, and I am playing sports, and I am making music, and I am joining clubs. I am so busy that I hardly remember that I'm speaking another language- that is, until I come home absolutely, totally, utterly exhausted.

That is intellectual exhaustion.

Every day, that is my schedule, and I stick to it. I am here, I am pushing everything to its limit, and I know I will do so for the rest of the year. I know this, because this is who I am. I am striving for intellectual vitality. Intellectual vitality - discovering a new world, discovering it completely, and becoming a part of it. Intellectual vitality - going someplace I could never have imagined before. Intellectual vitality - vital to how I live my life.

Rip it to pieces and let me know what you think! Thanks.

Undergraduate / "I got a detention in third grade." Stanford Short: Letter to Roommate [12]

Hallo, I just finished this essay, and am looking for some critiques. Let me know what you think- what I'm most concerned about is whether I'm actually answering the prompt.

The prompt:

2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your freshman year roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your roommate-and us-know you better.

The essay:

I'm the only kid I know who got a detention in third grade. See, we had these old crooked wooden desks, and pencil was always rolling off mine. So I drilled a hole in my desk. It made a great pencil holder, my pencil never escaped again, and it was very cool.

My teacher didn't think so, though. She said students weren't allowed to drill holes in their desks.

Since then, I've been optimizing everything. My environment, my projects, myself- if there is a way for me to make something better, I will find it. Recently, I designed a workshop and then led a team in building it in my school- we built a workbench, a lumber dock, shelves, and cabinets and turned a vacant attic space into a usable room.

Another thing: I'm compulsively obsessive- once I get an idea, it becomes the center of my life, and I'll spend countless hours working on it. Every year I manage my crew in engineering the sets for the school plays. Working with a crew means there are two things to optimize: first, the construction itself, and second, time usage. It's not uncommon for me to be working until the custodians close the school at eleven, and that sort of time commitment, along with my other activities- sports, music, homework, etcetera, can be a balancing act in itself. Because I'm so busy, I know first hand the importance of efficient time allocation.

What all this means for you, Mr. Roommate, is that we will have a fantastic dorm room. Our room will be a testament to room engineering and the perfect model of space maximization. It also means that you won't see much of me actually in the dorm- by the time I've finished optimizing it, I'll have moved on to my next project. That's good for you, because I do snore, but by the time I'm in the dorm and in bed you'll probably be fast asleep.

Let me know what you think, don't be nice!

Thanks!

Undergraduate / USC: What is important? (500-700 chars) [8]

Alright, so I'm fed up with writing essays, so I'm recycling an essay from another college, with a slightly different prompt. Yeah, I changed it a little, but now I have one question to ask you guys:

Do I answer the new prompt?

Here it is:

USC's speaker series "What Matters to Me and Why" asks faculty and staff to reflect on their values, beliefs, and motivations. Presenters talk about choices they have made, difficulties encountered, and commitments solidified. Write an essay about an event or experience that helped you learn what is important to you and why it is important.

and here's the essay:

Diversity is important. Allow me to tell you a story.

It was not until I stopped speaking English that I began to think about the meanings of words; until I left the country that I realized what America stands for; until I understood nothing that I truly understood myself. Here, in a foreign country, speaking a strange language, and even living with a new family, I have realized that diversity is not something that can be simply defined-- as hard as we might try to visualize ourselves in somebody else's shoes, that picture will never be the same as what we see actually walking in them

I worked in a senior living home for almost three years, and I used to try to picture life from the residents' points of view. Quickly though, I realized the impossibility of what I was attempting- these people all had decades of experiences behind them, dozens of friends, and entire families- their lives were all entirely unique. Aside from being grouped under the same label of "senior", the residents had nothing in common. They had different likes and dislikes, they had different goals, and they even had different perceptions of the same events. It didn't take me the whole three years to realize that experience, not demographic groups, shapes how people think.

Why then, do we value diversity? If demographic groups are indefinable, why do we strive so hard to incorporate them? Simply put, the value of diversity is that a diverse group has collectively has more experiences and perspectives than a homogenous population. These experiences, though, are personal- being old doesn't make seniors valuable, the experiences that they have lived through makes them valuable. The same is true culture wise- coming from Colombia doesn't make somebody valuable, but the experiences and perspective gained from the Colombian way of life are invaluable.

This year, I'm living in Lübeck, Germany, as an exchange student and as an ambassador of the United States of America. Once again, I find myself among a world that I that I cannot completely comprehend. This time, though, I am the diversity- my American experiences are new here. From introducing quesadillas to giving input on global politics, I offer a new perspective here that adds to the cultural mix.

Diversity doesn't always reveal itself so quickly, though. For my first few weeks here in Germany, I was enrolled in a language camp at a local community college. Also in my class were two dozen other foreigners- there was the eighty-year old Russian couple, the Persian father and son, the seventeen-year old Turkish bride, the Jordanian schoolteacher, and more. By any traditional meaning, this group was the very definition of diversity. Without means of communication, though, that diversity remained untapped- any perception that we might have learned from each other was lost to in communication. Four weeks later, though, we could understand each other on a basic level. While the diversity of the group had not changed, it could only then be taken advantage of.

Language is only one part of unlocking diversity, though. Truly taking advantage of diversity requires language, but also a mutual willingness to learn and exchange. Only then can a person- or, in this case, college- truly reap the maximum benefits of diversity. This year in Germany, I am sharing, I am teaching, and I am learning. When I go back home in July, I'll be a new person- I'll have learned a new language, I'll have had a greater range of experiences, and I'll have gleaned some insight into a the mindset of another country. With a willingness to exchange, though, my experience with diversity doesn't end with the end of my year abroad- quite to the contrary, that's only the beginning. In college, and through the rest of my life, not only will I continue to learn through my own experiences and through communication with others, but I'll also offer my own unique perspective, enriched by my year abroad, to the world around me.

Of course, any corrections are also appreciated, or ideas on how to make it fit better to the prompt. Thanks guys!

Undergraduate / activities, academic instersts - USC Short Answers [3]

Hey guys

I just wanted to get your opinion on these short answers- they're very straightforward. Is that okay? Do I need to get all fancy and creative with the short answers, or can I just answer them simply, like I have? Thanks.

In approximately one paragraph each, please answer the following questions:

Tell us about an activity that is important to you, and why. Please feel free to talk about an activity other than one you may have discussed in your essay.

By the late 18th century, the French philosopher Voltaire had said, "we must cultivate our garden". I take that advice to heart- this world, I think, is only as good as we make it.

Hence, I'm the community service guy. Whether it's getting the crew together for a night at the soup kitchen, rebuilding homes in New Orleans, tutoring music to the Middle School students, or leading an Eagle project involving 40 people and totaling more than 200 hours of work, if there's a service project in Lynnfield, chances are good I'm running it. My claim to fame, though, would be the Walk for Hunger- Team TRIX, the walk team I've led for the last six years, has had over 60 unique participants, raised over $16,000 for the hungry in Massachusetts, and been the source of hundreds of service hours for Lynnfield students. The 20-mile walk to benefit the hungry in Massachusetts is now an anticipated event in Lynnfield, despite the fact that six years ago only four of us had even heard of it. Most recently, I was able to recruit Lynnfield High School Tri-M Music Society and two jazz bands to play at the Walk for Hunger. What that meant was a ton of administrative homework and headaches- managing dozens of people and thousands of dollars, transporting teams and keeping everybody informed and updated, advertising the team, communicating with Walkers and Project administrators... there's a lot involved. Nonetheless, I'm rarely happier than when I know that I'm actively effecting change in this world.

Describe your academic interests and how you plan to pursue them at USC. Please feel free to address your first- and second-choice major selections.

I like numbers, I like equations, and I like facts. As a result, I love math and science. In math and science, things make sense- numbers verify themselves, equations actually equate, and facts don't change. More than that, though, math and science have immediate application- in designing the set for the school play for the last couple years, at some point or another I've used practically every geometry and trigonometry principle I've ever learned. Or for another example, basic chemistry and physics principles helped my friends and I perfect our potato cannon last summer.

At USC, I'm looking forward to not only to continue learning math and science, but also to using them. I'm happiest when I'm working, and the types of things that I'm drawn to inevitably involve math and science. Ultimately, I have three hopes of USC- first, to continue learning, particularly math and science, because I always find it fascinating the way that advanced concepts tie into the basic fundaments of the subjects. Next, I hope to continue using math and science daily, outside of classes, whether in building a loft bed in my dorm or perfecting the gardening conditions of the land outside. Finally, I hope to prepare myself for a career where I can continue to make numbers work for me, changing my life and the lives of those around me for the better.

Thanks guys! I don't think I need full corrections, but if something is wrong, please tell me... I just want to know if I need to make these more exciting or if they're fine. Thanks!

Undergraduate / UC: Describe your world (I'd be happy to edit yours in return. [9]

Hey all.

I've just finished up my UC essay (a little late, I know). Anyway, take a look, thanks. I'd be happy to offer suggestions to anybody else coming up on this UC deadline, too, providing they correct this and post a link to their essay in the next hour or so (it's 11:15 in Germany right now)...

anyway, thanks again!

Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations. *

My dad is an engineer; my mother, a dance major. Together, they taught me what is important in life- my father showed my how to approach problems, my mother exemplified the creativity needed to solve them. With this knowledge, it quickly became clear to me that every problem has a solution, and finding that solution is merely a matter of approaching that problem from the appropriate perspective. More than that, though, this knowledge helped me find a place in the world. The thought that every problem can be solved is earth shattering- it means that I can actively be an asset to humanity at large.

Since then, perspective has shaped my world. My world and I are truly in a symbiotic relationship- as I grow, it expands; as I change it, it changes me. As I travel through life, I collect perspectives. To do this, I interact. By communicating with people, no matter on what level, we absorb a little bit of their lives and gain valuable insight into the viewpoint of them.

For almost three years, I worked in a senior living home. There, I gathered the unique viewpoint of a group that has entire lifetimes of experience. That perspective was new to me: I quickly realized that the way I saw the world and the way that they did were in no way alike. And, while I could merely assimilate decades of experience through conversation, I could nonetheless appreciate it.

Equally revealing was my work at a gas station last summer. At a gas station, I had the singular opportunity of meeting just about everyone- as one of the most basic necessities of modern living; I witnessed all walks of life coming into my station. Always, no matter who they were, they had a way of looking at things- from the man who lived in his truck to the Mercedes salesman; everybody had a different history and a different perspective.

This year, I'm living in Luebeck, Germany, as part of a cultural exchange program with AFS. Here once again is a fresh set of perspectives- the country has a totally unique national mindset, and the people view world events, societal problems, and personal relationships in a different light than Americans. Here more than ever, I realize the importance of different mindsets.

Up until this point, my life and my mission may sound like those of an applicant to a Communications major, or maybe Intercultural Studies. Unlike in these majors, though, I don't see perspective as an end in itself. Like my parents taught me, perspective is a tool to understanding problems. On a national scale, the United States is running out of space to store waste. In Germany, though, recycling is much more prevalent, bottle deposit costs are five times as high, and trash combustion as an energy source is much more widespread. Applying this sort of perspective to America is a simple solution to one of our big problems- rather than spending resources on developing new ideas, we simply need to expand our perspective. Or, on a smaller scale: when the mechanics in the garage at my gas station couldn't start a car, Rusty, the man who lived in his truck behind the station, was the one who had the tricks to get it running. Again, the solution was not to expend time and energy by sending the car back to the manufacturer, but, rather, to simply take the advice of the man out back.

Engineering is about creating efficient solutions to practical problems, and, just as my life has taught me that every problem has an answer, it has also taught me that there are a lot of problems in this world. Hence, there is a very real need for engineers- people with vision, with skills, and with perception. Not only is engineering something I believe that, given my background, I can excel at, but I also see it as a calling- my aspiration in life is to build this world into a better place.

Undergraduate / '...shook his head, sadly' - You have just completed your 300-page autobiography; page 217. [21]

You have just completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217.

Hey guys, you wanna look over this and tell me what you think? Thanks.

217
...shook his head, sadly.
"Tim, you're fired."
While I was disappointed, I wasn't surprised. I suppose it didn't matter that I was high while I did it, raping his daughter wasn't a good career move. I lowered my eyes, looking to his feet.

"Can I at least keep the money?"
"What money?"
I guess he hadn't realized that I had embezzled more than $20,000 in the last few months. Shit.
"Tim, what money?"
I tried to look away again, pretending I hadn't said anything. He began to say something, but as soon as he opened his mouth I pushed past him, out of the cubicle and into the hallway. This chapter of my life was closed.

CHAPTER XXVII

I figured I'd be okay. The office job was just a side job, anyway- peddling narcotics and small-time embezzlement got me most of the money I needed to support my habit, and I thought the landlord was too afraid of me to evict me. Not that the house was much anyway- my bed wasn't much more than a bunch of stuffing in the corner, and my refrigerator hadn't worked for weeks.

Settling down in the only rickety chair in the apartment, I tried to think. Should I take up a new job? I tried to brainstorm... what did I like to do? I scribbled my thoughts on a napkin, but surfing porn on the internet and insulting the people on the Jesus hotline weren't really marketable skills. I turned the napkin over. What could I do?

Again, I drew a blank. I hadn't done anything worthwhile with my life since I graduated UPenn with a Bachelors in Engineering eight years ago. Thinking about it now, I'm not even sure how I did that- most of the time I was high or passed out. It didn't hurt that I paid a kid with ex to take all my exams for me. That, and I the physics professor was a total junkie. Whatever.

After that, I did a brief stint at Market Basket, but was fired for pissing in the brownie mix when the baker ticked me off. I had a few years unemployment, was in the kicker for a couple months for assault and battery... nothing. I called my friend.

"Hey man, I'm in a bit of a hard place."
I explained that I'd been fired, and he started laughing.
"What the fuck dude, it's not fucking funny!"
His response was that I was the most pathetic person he knew. He started to say something about how my mother was more successful than me, selling knitted socks on the Internet, but I had had about enough. I threw the receiver against the wall. It cracked. Fuck. I had already known that I wasn't getting the security deposit back, but now I needed a new phone, too.

Undergraduate / UPenn: Acadamic Communities [5]

Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

I'm worried about my last paragraph- does that fall flat? Of course, any other general critiquing/editing would be appreciated.

It came before he established Philadelphia's first fire department; it was the cause of the United States' first lending library; it evolved into the American Philosophical Society. One of Franklin's first endeavors, the Junto was perhaps the group that most represented his ideals. A group of all walks of life- artisans, tradesmen, businessmen- the Junto were united under the common goals of improving themselves and improving society. It was, so to say, a community serving the community.

That being said, I truly believe that the University of Pennsylvania got it right with its School of Engineering and Applied Sciences (SEAS). SEAS captures the spirits of Franklin and the Junto alike- its mission statement, to "not only advance science and engineering, but also [to] dramatically impact society as a whole", is the statement of a school I would truly be proud to attend.

When it comes down to it, engineering is about more than the acquisition of knowledge. Engineering is problem solving- it's finding how to use the knowledge we have to create innovative tools which improve our lives. As a research facility, UPenn demonstrates this time and time again. From antimicrobial pipes to nanoscale circuit boards to portable water filters, innovations are constantly emerging from the minds of Penn thinkers at SEAS. These innovations, in turn, directly benefit the community of UPenn as well as the world as a whole.

Aside from its world-renowned research facilities, I believe Penn can thank itself for its particularly fecund student population. With programs such as its Rachleff Scholars program, UPenn thrusts opportunity into the hands of its students, jumpstarting innovation. I'm particularly interested in the Rachleff Scholars program- its three focuses are the heart of engineering. Research, advanced studies, and networking with those in the field, the Rachleff program sets its students up for success.

In all of UPenn, though, I see a school that has similar values to myself. The community there is hard working, ambitious, and united under a single goal- the innovation of knowledge, the implementation of that knowledge, and, ultimately, the improvement of society. Sharing this goal, I do more that merely picture myself at UPenn; I have a bonafide will to go there. I want to join a school that prides itself on giving back to the community.

At UPenn, I see myself not only as active in research at SEAS, but also as fully involved in the greater UPenn community. I know myself: I am a leader and a worker. When I join a community, I am more than a spectator. I become a participant and a contributor. Moreover, my interests are varied- from music to sports to community service, I'm a player in many circles of life. When I toured UPenn, I loved Locust Walk- the community involvement and student activism captivated me. More than that, it demonstrates a healthy intellectual community. Like Franklin recognized with the Junto, an intellectual community is healthiest when comprised of ideas stemming from diverse interests. Indeed, the diversity of the student population, along with that population's enthusiasm, is one aspect that makes the school unique.

I want to go to UPenn because I want to improve the world. Simply stated, this lofty goal is the impetus of my life and essential to my college search. UPenn presents me opportunities- UPenn offers me communities that I can grow in, contribute to, and eventually become a leader in. A campus rife with ideas at a research institution combined with a service-based mission, UPenn is the school for me.