Undergraduate / 'Soccer fascinates me' - Common app short essay [12]

The quote is ok, but it was Thomas Edison.

Overall, I think it's ok, not great. I would like to have seen some development of some of your statements. They are of the general 'pep talk' kind of statements that sound good but don't really say anything. For example:

If we believe victory is ours, nothing can beat us, in football or life.

Is this really true?

Just something for you to think about.

Book Reports / analytical essay on 1984 and Brave New World [4]

Your ideas are fine. The connection to the Chinese is an interesting angle. You could even do it with the modern Chinese with their industrialization and class society. I assume that you are still in the planning stages.

I'd like to see some sample paragraphs containing your ideas. That would be the best way to judge it, I think.

Essays / Reality shows:How real the reality shows are??-Thesis statement [11]

I always begin generally and then get specific. For example, here I would begin by explaining what reality is, what it's supposed to be in the context of TV, and what it really is in that same context. This allows you some freedom to maneuver in your arguments, and to move along a continuum of ideas and reality show types.

Writing Feedback / "Kant' duty ethics" - Help with my research essay [4]

I don't know how long your essay is supposed to be, but it needs to be longer than this. The topic is much too complex to be written about in a few paragraphs.

It's not that difficult to do, though. Each idea of Kant's should comprise a different paragraph or set of paragraphs, with some of Kant's own words as a basis for the discussion. This would be the explaining part and then you would write the critical analysis part, based on perhaps your own observations or on the observations of Kantian scholars and critics.

I know that the topic is 'duty ethics.' That's the overall essay. but specifically you mention 'will,' 'moral truth,' the 'categorical imperative,' and 'universalizability.' Each of these needs to be developed more fully, each with a specific example. That would make your essay more credible and much better.

Undergraduate / Is it OK to point out that you are not a good student because of other pursuits? [7]

I think you would do well emphasizing the balance of your life. When you retook the courses, you passed. That will please them. You are also a successful athlete. That is something which is an accomplishment too. You are an accomplished person, and I can tell you, that isn't all that common. Play up the highlights like that, and don't mention anything they didn't specifically ask for. If later they ask, tell the truth. but you don't have to tell everything up front. Focus on the balance.

Undergraduate / Is it OK to point out that you are not a good student because of other pursuits? [7]

If it were me, I'd just omit. If they want to know about it, they'll ask. As I said, it's just a matter of balance.

Undergraduate / "Speak Up" - college essay. NEEDS REVISIONS [6]

The essay is great. I felt like cheering. and I tend to be more on the side of your classmates.

It is organized well, and flows well. That adds to it, too

The only problem I see is some of the vocabulary choices. For example, 'extrinsic' and 'falter.' 'Falter does not take an object, though you provided one. You could rework that phrase so it doesn't have you as the object.

Some vocab choices are great. I especially like 'contravened.' Perfect.

Well done. Just needs a little tweaking.

Writing Feedback / Avantages of watching TV outweight its disadvantages; IInfluence of watching TV [7]

There are several grammatical problems with this. It is enough to interrupt the flow of the ideas. For example:


Missing definite articles, use of prepositions where they are not needed, etc.

Overall, it can be an interesting essay. You might want to think about also supporting your statements, like the 100 percent statement. Where did that come from?

The conclusion should also restate the basic points of the argument again. It needs to be longer.

Writing Feedback / There two main kinds of justice in our life; Justice (English 1) [4]

There definitely needs to be some work on grammar and sentence flow.

You have 2 main ideas here--natural justice and legal justice. I think it would be better to develop these ideas separately, in different paragraphs, rather than just being thrown into one long paragraph. Develop each idea as much as you can.

After doing that, mention the similarities and differences. There are some pretty significant ones.

Finally, make a paragraph restating basically what you've said in the rest of the paper.

I like your examples, and they should remain a part of your revised paper.

Writing Feedback / The tell tale heart by A. Poe - story comment [5]


Be careful with this. The statement is not true. The basis of Poe's work is that the people in the stories are ordinary people who have dark impulses, and some circumstance drives them into their darker selves.

That being said, your analysis is pretty standard. I'm not sure what you're supposed to do exactly, but I'd take the time issue and really develop it. I'm talking a couple of pages worth. It's that important to the story.

So are the visual and auditory cues. That's another area that can really be developed.

There are a lot of ways you can go with this. I think, unless you've just been asked to give a summary, it would be great if you could take an idea and just go with it. It's more fun, too.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay---Technology has made the world a better place to live. [16]


Not really sure what this has to do with technology. Factories were built before there was much technology.

Your first paragraph is actually not long enough. The problem now is that it is all mixed up, and doesn't follow a logical flow. First, define what you mean by technology. Second, make the case for the benefits of technology. Third, discuss the negatives. That will lead you into the next part, about your opinion, and so forth. Your first paragraph, then, will have 6-8 good well-developed sentences.

Writing Feedback / Summary Paper and reflection on "Superman and me" story [3]


I really like what you are doing with this, but this part right here just about killed me. Gave me a concussion from the sudden shift in time and place. When you change stuff like that, you have to warn the reader.

Be careful with your run-on sentences, capitals where there shouldn't be any, etc. It's like a busy main street with tall billboards and no stop lights--not a good conbination.

Think about each paragraph as a separate piece of the whole paper, like a puzzle. They all have to fit together to make a picture. You have a compelling picture to show, one in which people would be interested. Take your time. Go slowly. Find out where the connections are.

You're doing fine, just slow down, think it through, and make everything connect naturaly and smoothly.

Writing Feedback / The lack educational programs in UAE [3]


Change this around. It tells me that the students are limited and unsuitable for future studies. I don't think that's what you mean.

Second paragraph, I didn't understand any of that. Give some examples, please, so I can know what you're talking about.

Last paragraph, while you are making suggestions: the government really should make laws about what must be taught i every high school, and anyone graduating from high school who passed these is eligible for university studies.

I think you have everything in your paper, it just needs to be reqorded so that everything is more clear.

Essays / Reality shows:How real the reality shows are??-Thesis statement [11]

Unfortunately no. I am not a fan of reality TV at all. But I would suggest that you do an online search for references to it, especially the psychology of reality and then the commercialization of it. \That might be a good place to begin.

Essays / a paragraph on my favorite dessert [8]

Dessert is good to us because it appeals strongly to our senses and also to memories we have related to them. So think about it that way. Have any strong emotions with red velvet cake? Cake in general that is transferable? Colors? Textures? What that butter cream icing is like? Think in terms of metaphores or even similes. "Red velvet cake is a sweet slow dance at the end of an evening." Like that. See? Make your reader want some.

Essays / Compare and Contrast Essay Topic (driving/flying or my sisters) [10]

What you just told CarrieC is perfect. I could see your sudden emotion about it, your joy in remembering.

That's perfect for an essay. All you really have to do is choose two or three of the best moments, tell them in all of their details, like little stories where you build them up and maybe spring a surprise on the reader, or build the tension until the reader just has to know what comes next.

You're really on the right track here. Try that and see if it works out.

Book Reports / comparing two short stories for english, the lottery and the most dangerous game [3]

Carrie, you make very intelligent comments. I like that. And you're right here.

Start broadly. For example, I am composing an essay for a college teacher friend of mine who wants a creative nonfiction natural essay. She knows I'm interested in the southern Applachians, so my essay begins with how the Appalachian Mountains were formed. Gradually, I end up focusing on one mountain, and how it is endangered.

It can be the same with you. Start with a broad subject, like evil, and how it isn't confined to just one kind of human, but that we are all capable of it. Give some examples like the Salem witch trials, or Lizzie Borden. Gradually, move into a discussion of the kinds of evil in the two books, comparing them and discussing how they are different, but that the effect is the same.

Essays / Reality shows:How real the reality shows are??-Thesis statement [11]


You will need to document this, as in "According to.." whatever poll or research it was.

I think that one show or one type of show is appropriate, certainly. Easier to manage, too.

Don't worry about grammar yet. That can be fixed later. Right now, just get the main ideas and facts straight.


This is pretty broad. You might need to narrow it, like some reality shows . That way they don't get all dumped in together and you will be able to support your arguments better.

Writing Feedback / The tell tale heart by A. Poe - story comment [5]

Ok. Got it.

The first third of the first page is your introduction. Talk about how people sometimes give in to their darker selves, and the thrill of that (in Poe's characters, it is always thrilling, like a heightened sense of awareness (the weeklong studying of the old man). Use that to lead in to the story, talking about time and the ticking away of time, and the beating of the heart and how it is like the ticking away of time toward death (in all of us, but especially for the old man). This is about a page of intense concentrated writing, mirroring the concentrated plan of the murderer. Finally you have two-thirds of a page to resolve it, the police come, and the young man is still heightened and super-aware, but it is beginning to turn to horror, as it always does.

Save the last 2-3 sentences for a summary.

Then you're done.

Essays / Compare and Contrast Essay Topic (driving/flying or my sisters) [10]


Orlando, your advice is really good. This last comment isn't necessary at all. Please try to confine your remarks to just the paper and have some confidence in what you say.

Writing Feedback / globalization and civil-military relations [3]


This part is confusing, and it may not be true in all cases. Your intro needs some more work. It is jumbled and confusing.Just take one idea at a time, and work with that for 3-4 sentences. then things will flow more smoothly.

Essays / Best way to practice writing essays... [5]

Rich1981, that is excellent advice.

Mostly, JLee92, you just want to keep everything as simple as possible. Try using a form for essays, like Intro, 3-5 paragraph body, Conclusion. Even more complicated ideas can fit this format with a little tweaking.

Also, just write. Read it out loud, to see how it sounds. Notice things around you that you could write about. There are so many ways to get into essays. Try and see what works for you.

Essays / Help on inclass essay (my future career goals) [8]

Like coalerz said, but I think you can include both, since they are related. Begin with a general statement about education and its value to to you, then narrow down to your desire to be involved in education as a professional.

Research Papers / I need help finding a topic for my research paper (Intro to Linguistics class) [6]

Dialect.
Regional variations in speech.
The language instinct (Pinker).
Meaning.
Signs.
Nonverbal communication.
The meaning of silence.
Cultural linguistics.
Race.
Class variants.

Maybe these will help.

Research Papers / 1st attempt at writing research paper - A Lit Review [5]

The writing is fine. But that is a lot of referencing in one paragraph. Normally, a lit review takes several paragraphs for each source, and goes on for 8-20 pages or so, depending on the paper and topic.

So you'll have to definitely expand this.

Grammar, Usage / How to avoid contractions in writing? [11]

It's like prepositions at the end of sentences. In more formal writing, contractions should not be used, so you may have to reword things so that you arrive at the correct sense without them. It is difficult, but it can be done. Try saying it out loud to get the sense of the rhythm of it, and it will flow more smoothly with practice.

Undergraduate / 'Passionate professors, rigorous education' - my reasons for applying to Penn [5]

The second one is definitely better.

I think that using the website reasons is a good idea, because it shows that you've researched it to find them. But expand on them, and what they may mean to you personally, maybe with examples. Reword them to fit your own style.

Undergraduate / UCF Essay-Why I would like to attend. [7]

Maybe more about the college, and how what they offer mesh with all of your interests.

Also, college choice is way more important than what you may have for lunch. I know why you said that, but make your lunch choice something more dramatic and life-changing, like college, and how you made a successful decision in that case. It draws everything together better, I think.

Undergraduate / My Name is Damon and I Can Roll my R's [16]


I'd delete this one. :-)

I agree with EF_Sean. there needs to be some resolution of how what you learned applies to the experience you are about to have. Make the connections that are relevant.

Cultural diversity is a big thing now. Those who can move easily among persons of different cultures are valued. Play that up some more, perhaps with some examples.

Undergraduate / Wearing my favorite Abercrombie shirt/ App: Experience [3]

The topic is fine.

You are writing about contrasts. Make the contrasts more vivid, perhaps with a humorous tale, or an actual experience that tells the reader what that was really like for you. As you proceed, the contrasts become less and less. Ease into that, just as you eased into the life you have now after all that change.

Undergraduate / 'all the trials and tribulations I have experienced' - GWU Transfer Admission Essay [6]

The second one is clearly better.

Watch out for cliches. They always make a writer look lazy. So you "woke up' doesn't really work. try "became aware" or something to do with self-realization there. And hopelessness doesn't "wander." Sometimes it gallops, or creeps, or crashes or envelops.

Read it out loud and see what you think.

Undergraduate / My personal point of view on animal cruelty and abuse [5]

This is very well done. It is a good mix of passion and fact, with references included. That's good.

Now, it might be a good idea to include more positive treatments of animals, too. There is a man (I don't recall the name, though) who flies shelter puppies around the country to people who want them, but do not live in the city or county where these puppies were located. He is talking about establishing a national network for adoptees and these animals. That's good stuff, too.

These kinds of things would make your paper much more balanced and then the cruelties would stand out more by the comparison.

Research Papers / 1st attempt at writing research paper - A Lit Review [5]

In the intro, you just mainly want to introduce the subject and what you plan to do specifically. The lit review is a separate section. For each of your references, introduce them one at a time with explanatory information following. Then discuss the next one, same way, and so on until you have discussed them all. That gives you credibility and leads the reader to where you want them to be.

Undergraduate / 'Silence in the house' - common app: Topic of choice [19]


The essay as a whole is very good. But you must watch for this kind of construction. 'Disorderly' is not an adverb, it is an adjective. You can't modify a verb with it. I think that 'viscera' is a little extreme there, too. We usually use 'viscera' to describe non-functioning guts, not living ones.

Good writing isn't just about using high-sounding vocabulary. It's more about being clear, direct and creative with simpler language. A good rule of thumb is that if you don't use the word in your normal life, don't use it in a paper. Practice with it in your speaking first, then it doesn't sound forced or contrived.

Nice work, though, otherwise.

Undergraduate / 'too much negativity' - Can someone look over my UT admissions essays? (I know they're cliche) [3]

They are really quite well done. You even used the semicolon correctly.

The only issue, and it is a common one, is that some of the vocabulary is a little high-toned for the subject. Simplify. It's always the better way to write. Your vocabulary has to fit you.

Undergraduate / How can i make my fsu essay more WOW-ing? [3]

Well, I'm impressed. You've got everything--your intellect shows, you have given personal examples of what you are talking about, and it flows well making the reader believe its truth. The vocabulary fits you, and is simple and direct and clear. These are the things that make a good paper.

Graduate / Personal statement for a Master program- Need assistance [8]

It's best to begin generally. What are you interested in? What experiences have you had that relate to what you want to do? Give examples.

Then you need to talk about yourself. Who are you? How will I, as a member of the admissions committee, remember you? How will I perceive that you are different from the other applicants?

Undergraduate / UC Prompt #2: "struggled with obesity" [4]

Nice. The writing and the story both.

One thing: 225 pounds is not 'whopping.' Someone on the committee may weigh this. You don't want to offend, even innocently, anyone who has control of your future.

Undergraduate / FAMU NURSING Admission essay! LOOK OVER IT to make it perfect [2]



The wording is awkward here, and in some other places too. First of all, most of us do not 'receive' careers. We work for them. Second, never use the same word in a sentence twice, unless it s a function word. The novelist Flaubert refused to use the same word twice even on the same page. You might find a thesaurus and use a synonym instead.

This needs some work. It feels rushed and breathless, like you were dying to get everything in it as fast as possible. Slow down. Decide what you want to include, and then put it in its proper place. Don't rush this.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay---Technology has made the world a better place to live. [16]

I'm not sure, thinhtv, that your comment is very helpful. I had already addressed the length of the intro, and how it actually needs to be expanded, and then the other sections following with details and contrasts.

tiantian, please try to submit a revised intro only so we can discuss that.