Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by shannon92
Joined: Dec 12, 2009
Last Post: Feb 18, 2010
Threads: 15
Posts: 62  
From: United States

Displayed posts: 77 / page 1 of 2
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
shannon92   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / "I am not legally able to vote yet" - Stanford Essays [6]

So, I'm not sure if this essay is even in the right ballpark/if I should find a new topic or not. Thanks!

-Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging. (250)

"The unexamined life is not worth living."-Socrates.

These words have resonated with me ever since I first heard them. This statement poses a challenge, questioning the nature of our human tendency to examine the world around us, and provoke thoughts about whether our use of technology is beneficial to society. Although the accrual of knowledge is both dangerous and unprecedented, I believe that it is more important for us to aspire to step outside our self defined "natural" borders and accept the drawbacks of technology than to sit back and be ignorant and naive to the world around us. The thirst for knowledge is only dangerous if it is reckless and purposeless.

In the novel Frankenstein, Victor irresponsibly seeks after knowledge for no good other than his own curiosity. This ruthless pursuit of knowledge proves dangerous, as his creation results in the destruction of his loved ones and drives him to insanity. Indeed Frankenstein shows us how the reckless lust for knowledge can prove dangerous, yet it doesn't say that knowledge should simply not be sought after. If we aren't willing to take any risks or make any sacrifices, society will never improve.

In an article by Neil Postman, "Informing Ourselves to Death," Postman asserts that technological change always results in winners and losers, and that technological innovations such as the computer are incredibly dangerous. However, I feel that technology becomes dangerous when people use it for their own personal gain rather than the good of society. Postman ends with the compelling thought which many prominent intellectuals have reached: "There is no escaping from ourselves. The human dilemma is as it has always been, and we solve nothing fundamental by cloaking ourselves in technological glory." While an overload of information and technological glory are not crucial to our most basic needs, if we never look for anything greater than ourselves then we will never be so grateful for having what we do have, and ultimately it is a life "unworth living."

Despite the fact that Prometheus tales have been taught to us since day one about he who tried to play God and failed miserably, we must consider the fact that those who were willing to step outside what people consider their natural boundaries learn something very valuable whether or not they find what they are looking for. If responsibly sought after, it can either make us more grateful for having what we already have, or lead us to new innovations that help solve problems and expand the boundaries of the natural human world.
shannon92   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / "my family belongs to a catholic religion" [7]

I'm sorry, but this essay sounds really childish beyond the grammatical mistakes and spelling errors. When you start talking about Satan it really gets bad... If this is a college essay, it says nothing about you besides your simplistic views of two different religions and your realization about Satan. I think you'd do best by starting from scratch- sorry.
shannon92   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell's College of Arts and Sciences Supplement-- What Should I Fix? [3]

Good job! I really liked this essay...it's both concise and interesting.

"The power of words"- nothing wrong with this, I've just seen a lot of essays say this exact thing

"I could combine my passions with practicality" ... this sounds a little odd- id try to rephrase so its less ambivalent

Instead of saying, "for more than just a mediocre undergraduate discipline", say something positive to avoid an almost double negative

nice work
shannon92   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / 'San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge' - makes Stanford a good place for you? [13]

-Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

Sitting atop a cliff at the Marin Headlands, overlooking the lights of San Francisco, I couldn't help but ask myself: why would I want to leave this beautiful place? While I'm not too different from the average high school student in the regard that I, too am looking for a new experience, but for me, a new experience means Stanford. I am intrigued by Stanford's liberal art aspect and its connection with its graduate schools, as well as the many interdisciplinary studies offered, culminating in an expansive wealth of resources and opportunities.

The Science, Technology and Society Program is exactly the academic program that I've been looking for. My avid interests in science, law and math could only be satiated by this unique interdisciplinary program and let me avoid compromising my academic interests. Rather than devoting myself to one field of study, I would rather explore the interaction of science and society and the effects of technology on the world. I plan to flourish in the liberty of academic exploration and through STS, I will gain a comprehensive education while working closely with professors on engaging research.

I feel strongly that Stanford is the perfect place for my many future intellectual pursuits and that the STS program will give me both the freedom and support to help me discover my career goals. While there are other universities offering similar programs, only Stanford encourages such a high level of intellectual curiosity and discovery. At Stanford, I will be surrounded by and exposed to a new world of perspectives and expertise while staying in the amazing area in which I've had the privilege of growing up. Surely Stanford is merely an hour away from home, but it is an entirely different world which I would be blessed to be a part of.
shannon92   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / I dwell in the beauty and power of words. UW undergrad essay. [6]

cant post yet so im responding to yours. I LOVE THIS ESSAY. It's like a collaboration of all of your ideas from the past couple of months into an amazingly cohesive, cute and really revealing story about your relationship with words. GOOD JOB RYRY
shannon92   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / "Stay. I love you, but if it hurts to live, then go.", New to college essays [10]

Wow this is an amazing piece. You are a very good writer and you can tell a lot about your emotional side/what he means to you. I would say however you need to work on incorporating yourself into your essay. How has he impacted you? What has this inspired you to do? Why is he the most influential person in your life? Good job though
shannon92   
Dec 17, 2009
Graduate / pursue MBA - its an essay about myself ..i m weak in vocabulary. [20]

I'm sorry but you need to remove ALL of the ellipse's (...). Is this supposed to be a formal essay? It seems like a thought piece currently. It's a rambling about your life- what is your main point? What are you trying to say about yourself?
shannon92   
Dec 17, 2009
Graduate / pursue MBA - its an essay about myself ..i m weak in vocabulary. [20]

Your essay is currently lacking any sort of structure or focus. You need to use full sentences and put in punctuation marks, but in addition you need to figure out what is the main thing you are trying to convey? It's hard to get that out of the writing

Right now, its like your ENTIRE life story. Dont add anything- whittle it down to whats important
shannon92   
Dec 17, 2009
Graduate / pursue MBA - its an essay about myself ..i m weak in vocabulary. [20]

"Like my father my Mom is also working as beautician and running a beauty clinic... many a times it became difficult for mom to visit the clinic so I helped my mom over there ,this gave me a chance to manage her business, handle customers and workers ...

While doing so I had many highs and lows... Thus learned a short lesson to be a manager... I enjoyed the work but at times felt that I lack managerial skills when there was load of work..."

You have good things every here and then but your essay is a string of sentences that sometimes arent even related. " Thus learned a short lesson to be a manager"- this isn't a full sentence. It sounds like this is a stream of consciousness and not a thought out, brainstormed piece. You REALLY need to figure out what is most important to you/what the most significant things in this is, because it is not in essay format yet.
shannon92   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / 'San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge' - makes Stanford a good place for you? [13]

kevin-
ok so i get what youre saying about how that reason may be weak, but i dont know what to do because i dont have a well defined future and actually i think stanford will help me realize what I want. I really dont have set academic goals because im the type of person who loves a broad range of things- im really into science and math but i LOVE history/ government so i dont want to lie and say i know exactly what the future holds for me and what exactly i plan to do at stanford... do you have any suggestions for what i can do?

Here is a newer version with a little bit of added info about academics... obviously still not done but I wanted to see if I'm on the right track

READ ABOVE
shannon92   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

"Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better."

Dear Roomie,
I am ecstatic at the prospect of delving into a college life, although there are a few things I'll really miss. For one, my adorable Olde English bulldogs whom are incessantly begging and insisting that they are lap dogs. Yet, while I know I can't bring along my dogs that doesn't mean I'm coming without an animal. I'm bringing along Raja, my Steiff tiger that I've slept with since I was three, his fur matted to the point that you may not believe me that it is a tiger. I'll also miss my lovely Parisian room that I am constantly perfecting. I'll miss the array of antiques I've collected over the years, from the glass perfume bottles, mirrors, paintings, and possibly even the piles of clothes my messy sister has draped over everything. I'll bring along a couple things to remind me of my room and maybe you'll be able to help me out with the mess I'm used to from my sister- but it's okay if you're tidy like me too. I'll also miss crowding in my bed with my friends on rainy days around my laptop, watching classics or comedies and downing warm cups of Earl Grey tea with honey, but I'll bring my movies and tea and we can see if we can find some time amongst the hours devoted to studying to bond over a good movie or TV series like The Office. I'll miss watching the baseball games at my school and going out to get frozen yogurt with mochi and raspberries after, but I can't wait to be an avid benchwarmer at all the Stanford football games and I hope my roommate is as spirited as I am. I'll miss living in a cute, hundred year old bungalow with a loud Irish family and bad acoustics, my own contribution to the noise from sitting at the piano and getting wrapped up in deeply dramatic music from the Phantom of the Opera or by blasting "Defying Gravity" and teaching my brother how to Irish Step Dance. I'll always miss some things from my past, but I'm exuberant to think that with new memories comes future nostalgia. I'll miss my room, my house, my boyfriend, friends, and family, but I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories so we can share our stories and help each other embrace an entirely new community together.

So... I know it needs a lot of work right now. Do you think the style I've written it in doesn't really answer the prompt? I'm not really sure if i need to write more about my personality or what not
shannon92   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

Ha youre incredibly right about the first sentence- It is kinda funny though now that I see that. Do you think it would be too trite if I just started off with "I'm a Taurus." ? And also, do you think it would work if I digressed more into my personality in the middle or would it not work/I should just try again haha. I just need a solid structure to work with that will help me convey as much about me as possible while not being boring.

Thanks for all your help :)
shannon92   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Mr. Bingley was only a fish" - Yale Supplement-any topic [12]

Haha Mr. Bingley after Pride and Prejudice's Mr. Bingley? I think it's cute and you should continue with this essay... it's not cliched because it's not the typical my dog died essay. However, I think you need to add more about how he relates to you (you do at the end, but i think you need more interwoven things)
shannon92   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Born in China, immersed into a new culture" - Boston University Essay [7]

So what are your three words? You kinda avoided the prompt- are 2 of them hardworking and passionate?

Okay, so I hate to break it to you but you sound like any other student who works hard and does well at everything they do. There's nothing unique about this essay, and nothing special I can see about you. They expect everyone to be hardworking and passionate (which, by the way is an incredibly overused word).. so what makes you stand out? What quirks do you have? What makes you interesting and not just a boring good student?
shannon92   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

thanks :) i actually changed that sentence right after i posted it so now instead it says... "My room is not perfect: I will never give up my old, matted tiger I've slept with since I was three nor the many other quirky things in my room, because while I'll always aspire for perfection, my room is not perfect and neither am I." hahah i know its cheesy also, i need to rework a lot of this essay though. yeah im trying to think of one specific thing that i can use and craft a nice essay out of instead of a more jumbled one, but idk i think i might be able to make this one work if i unify the ideas more and take out some of whats cluttering it. thanks for the advice.. (and btw i liked the fish essay :)
shannon92   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Option #2 for Yale Supplement Essay--God, Beauty, cousin Eve [2]

This essay is really pretty and heartwarming, and I really enjoyed reading it. In comparing it with the other essay though, I'd have to say I like the Mr. Bingley one the best. I think it shows a side of sweetness + humor, and is more interesting. Personally, I am much more intrigued by your connection with a dead fish than your connection with God, and feel it is much more unique. This one is still very nice though!
shannon92   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Supplement - "Why Brown?" and "Anticipated Degree" [4]

For the first essay, although you say a lot about how interested and how much research youve done into Brown, you don't really answer the question-

Why does Brown appeal to you as a college option? Who or what has influenced your decision to apply?
you don't say how you were first interested in the school or what influenced you... soo you need to incorporate that.

The second essay is very good and well written, right on track :)

Please help on my essay? Thanks
shannon92   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / 'San Francisco and the Golden Gate Bridge' - makes Stanford a good place for you? [13]

Thanks yeah I shortened the first sentence but its still 2061 characters (359 words) and it needs to be under 1800 characters... so I can't add anything as it is until i can crop other things out.. any ideas?

(I still need to find a place where I can add what everyone suggested)
shannon92   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Supplement - "Why Brown?" and "Anticipated Degree" [4]

Thanks for the comment. Yeah, you can figure out your interested in it from that but still you don't acknowledge it completely (it seems kinda marginalized although its the main question)
shannon92   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell; intellectual interests - new journey in life [3]

You have a really good start on this essay. It's structured well, and the last paragraph is very good. I have some suggestions for the first paragraph:

Growing up in a low-income community, I have seen how working class families have struggled to maintain a living as a result of their lack of education.

-this sentence could be clarified... the families lack of education? its not clear.

I have seen how the types of jobs families have affect the types of lives they have.
-you should say something instead of families because it sounds like the whole family has one job..

At that particular moment, I saw a clear connection; the work force is directly related to the growth of economy.
-this sounds slightly naive/obvious- did you not know that before?

is still so much to do.
- this is vague.

But now I feel that I must begin a new journey in life, one that will have me improve the world that surrounds me.
-have me improve sounds awkard

besides for grammatical things here and there, it's a good essay. keep it up :)

can you please help on my stanford essay? thanks
shannon92   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / How Were You Caught? 'being caught into the politics' [6]

it still doesn't really sound right or make grammatical sense... caught into politics sounds the least awkward

you cant be "caught into" a world... you can be "caught in" though

can you help with my essay possibly? thanks
shannon92   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown supplement: Education and what don't you know [3]

In middle high school, I studied in a lower-level class
-whats middle high school? middle school?

I really enjoyed this essay and totally can relate- its true that only the smart kids who are interested and knowledgeable ask questions.. so funny.

So, the last paragraph is a little cheesy (learning for the sake of learning... i have to admit i have said this before, but take it out... make it more personal)

good job though

ps would you mid taking a look at one of mine? thanks
shannon92   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Trip to Disneyland/Leadership Common App [4]

(For Stanford)

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

There I was, my red patent shoes tapping across the wooden floors, bright white tights displayed under the neat puff of my Minnie Mouse dress. The signature red velvet bow and black ears perfected the look, but today, I was not just a cute little blonde girl; today, I was on a mission. After countless hours of twirling in my dress, begging my parents to take me to Disneyland for my fifth birthday, I had finally persuaded them to make my dream come true.

Twelve years later, I would find myself in high school, using all of my persuasion to convince the parents, teachers, and administration comprising my school's governing body, the Drake Leadership Council (DLC) to let me organize a senior trip to Disneyland. Surely I've had more grandeur undertakings than this one, but this was Disneyland. I sat there, prepared as I could be, one against fifty more qualified and experienced speakers. Being back at DLC reminded me of what it was like serving as a student representative for my freshman and sophomore years; the room would fill with tension as heated debates would arise over various, often trivial issues. As nervous as I was, I would always keep my opinions to myself. I knew I was persuasive and a very good public speaker and debater, but my anxiety held me back from being an integral part of the adult dominated discussions.

I had grown since then, no longer the shy underclassman appointed to represent my grade. In my four years in the leadership program, I never consciously realized that I was changing, but as I assumed greater responsibility in riskier endeavors like becoming the chairperson of the school-wide Blood Drive, I began to transform into a new person. I felt empowered by what I was capable of planning and executing, and as I was mastering how our campus worked I was also learning about myself; out of many of the group projects I worked on, I was the one who emerged as the responsible leader and was looked up to by others for guidance. My developing perseverance, organizational skills and fervency gave me the confidence to assert myself rather than continue as an anonymous girl at a school meeting. Today, I wasn't going to let anyone hold me back from pitching my ideas and achieving my goal; I was no longer plagued with intimidation and could firmly stand my ground.

As I sat adjacent to the Principal, conveying my ideas to the room while being told that I was being economically unrealistic and simply impractical, it occurred to me that I was no longer a little girl; I couldn't rely on dressing up like minnie mouse to achieve my goal, nor could I sit idle, expecting things to miraculously go my way. Amongst the discouragement flooding the room, I assured myself: I am persistent. If I want Disneyland, it is not in my nature to settle for something lesser, not Great America nor Marine World. I wasn't there to be appeased, and thus it would take a lot more than a committee of angry teachers to stop me from getting what I wanted.

Tabling my motion and coming back with a stronger presentation at the next meeting, I managed to get 94% of the committee members present to vote on the motion allowing me to move forward with the trip. I had eloquently addressed the exasperating rejections from many of the teachers with a professional demeanor, keeping level headed with my goal in mind. I came out of that meeting feeling triumphant. While the daunting tasks of convincing 75% of my class along with twenty chaperones to participate lays ahead, I'm not doubting myself. I feel confidently that I can overcome the hurdles that already are presenting themselves as well as those that I have yet to reach.

I've finally realized that I can achieve many things regardless of what seems to be in my way, because the only real thing that can stop me is my own hesitation. Through my newfound sense of confidence, I have matured, into a strong willed young woman and a capable leader, but the part of me that's never really changed is what fuels my desire to use my acquired skills to accomplish my goals.
shannon92   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Essay (I'll bring pictures and many priceless memories) [24]

I rewrote the second paragraph: do you like it better?
thanks

While I have a distinct role within my family's bungalow, my room is more reflective of myself. I have a lovely seaside Parisian room, comprised of an array of antiques I've collected over the years. I'm a bit of a Francophile and have an immense appreciation for art; I'm always searching for new pieces. My room may be very busy with my things, but it is meticulously organized just like myself to keep myself feeling in control. On a rainy day, my room becomes a haven for watching episodes of The Office and sipping warm cups of Earl Grey tea with honey. Yet, as the seasons change, it remains a secret recluse, adorned with flowers and often streaming with music by Coldplay. Although not pretty, the finishing touch is definitely my old, matted tiger I've slept with since I was three. It will be a struggle to move from the place that is so much of who I am, but I am excited at the thought of acclimating myself to a new castle, even if it may be just a dorm room.
shannon92   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / The unexamined life is unworth living- Stanford [5]

-Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging. (2575)

"The unexamined life is not worth living."-Socrates.
These words have resonated with me ever since I first heard them. This statement poses a question, about our human tendency to examine the world around us, and whether our use of technology is beneficial to society. Although the accrual of knowledge is both dangerous and unprecedented, I believe that it is more important for us to aspire to step outside our self defined borders and accept the drawbacks than to sit back and be ignorant to the world around us. The thirst for knowledge is only dangerous if it is reckless and purposeless.

In the novel Frankenstein, Victor irresponsibly seeks after knowledge for no good other than his own curiosity. His ruthless pursuit of knowledge results in a destructive monster that drives him to insanity. Indeed Frankenstein shows us how reckless lust for knowledge can prove dangerous, yet that doesn't mean knowledge should simply not be sought after. If we aren't willing to take any risks, society will never improve.

In an article by Neil Postman, "Informing Ourselves to Death," Postman asserts that, "The human dilemma is as it has always been, and we solve nothing fundamental by cloaking ourselves in technological glory." While an overload of information and technology are not crucial to our basic needs, if we never look for anything greater than ourselves then we will never be grateful for having what we do have, and ultimately it is a life "unworth living."

Despite the fact that Prometheus tales have been taught to us since day one about he who tried to play God and failed miserably, nevertheless when we test our natural boundaries we can learn something very valuable. If responsibly sought after, it can either make us more grateful for having what we already have, or lead us to new innovations that expand the boundaries of the natural human world.
shannon92   
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Not a Typical Upbringing...Tufts Community Essay [5]

1. There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today.

Everything about my home is quite eccentric; I live in a cute, hundred year old bungalow with a loud Irish family and bad acoustics. I am not part of a typical "Marin family," where parents work constantly and kids are over-scheduled to the point of insanity. Growing up, I often felt jealous of my peers, many of whom lived in beautiful homes in the hills, and whose parents forced them to participate in a ridiculous amount of sports, dance, and music. Maybe it's odd for a kid to want more overbearing parents, but I always felt as if I didn't measure up to my friends. Yet, as I grew up I began to realize that what I had was unique, and what shaped me into an interesting and self motivated person. When other kids were being forced to participate in the Nutcracker or soccer camp, I was taking it upon myself to figure out my interests. I was the one dragging my parents to sign me up for school plays, art lessons, and even Irish Step Dancing.

Funny, but I've found that many people whose parents forced them to take up piano lessons and learn foreign languages have quit, yet I continue to do what I love. Having had the wonderful opportunity to express myself in my own way, I've never relied on my parents to tell me what to do. While other kids are being nagged by their parents to do their work, I am completely self reliant and take responsibility for myself. Yes, on an average school night after finishing my schoolwork, you may find me in a dramatic engagement at the piano wrapped up in music from the Phantom of the Opera or singing "Defying Gravity" at the top of my lungs while teaching my brother the art of Irish Step Dancing, but that's what makes me who I am.

Need Writing or Editing Help?
Fill out one of these forms:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳

Academic AI Writer:
Custom AI Writer ◳