Undergraduate / "The Perfect Girl is no dream, no illusion" - Common Application [8]

I finished my draft for the Common Application Essay recently. Since it asks for an essay that will showcase your individuality, I opted for an unusual topic.

Please help me edit my essay.

The Perfect Girl is no dream, no illusion. Rather, she is the embodiment of desire and fantasy, the ultimate reality. For every girl we see, we recognize our beloved in bits and pieces. It may be the shy glance, the sensual touch, or those enticing words that pour from her essence ; in it all we see a bit of the beauty we long for, yet which we cannot possess. And thus we continue to seek and to search, continuously, and evermore . Yet the more we look, the farther we stray, and the greater the yearning.

To say that she does not exist is to be ignorant of her subtlety, for she is the standard from which all comparisons are made. Satisfaction then, is nothing, but a compromise, between the impossible and the possible. Nothing but a pause from the eternity we cannot hold, to the reality that holds us.

What then is perfection? For me, she is a renaissance woman in ability and a nymph in personality. To have a curious and provocative mind, an encompassing intellect, wide range of interest, and above all, a logical mind set. That is, not to mention, the ability to succeed in any area where she so desires. Neither art nor science presents any challenge to such a talented individual. Whether it is singing, writing, dancing, or reading, learning, and thinking, she embraces each form and possesses a considerable degree of proficiency in all.

Yet to describe her personally will be like describing a nymph. She is the maiden of the forest and the companion of the rivers. Endlessly joyful, yet strangely enigmatic. She radiates mystery and a rebellious nature. A willful individual, she detests the mainstream, choosing instead to frolic in her own dreams. An idealist in thought, a pragmatist in action. She encompasses the two desires of man. She may approach with her own willful actions, yet at times may seem to withdraw into the depths of her mind. Alluring but strangely ambiguous, she presents herself as a challenge to all who dare face the thick foliage of the jungle to penetrate into her depths.

Once found and wooed, she is the perfect companion. Intuitive in detecting sorrow, instrumental in keeping joy and soothing spirits; she is a candle radiating warmth and laughter in the cruelest nights. Whether your journey brings you to the ends of the earth or not, she remains by your side, always curious, always exploring. Providing fresh insights and new perspectives in most situations, her presence is never boring, but always desired. You feel lost in her soft radiance, her ability to bring you from the depths of the city to the heart of the wild on the bridge of imagination.

Nevertheless, at her core, she is never truly tamed. Her wild nature will occasionally peek out with playful naughtiness. At times like this it is best to be prepared, for her deeds and actions will once more revert to random chaos, the personification of her own fantasies. Yet, this can only add to her desirability, as this unpredictable and naughty streak only serves to heighten excitement amidst her ordered chaos.

Yet like all perfect creatures, she is only an ideal. Her presence is something that is only felt on those wild windy days of abandon. A brief uplifting transportation into the realm of dreams until the winds should die and leave nothing but a faint fragrance, a corner in memory that never dies. And for all that remains, we are once more left in this cruel, cruel world. A reminder of the brevity of our own desires, and by extension, our own lives. Perhaps, an ideal, is just that, an ideal. To be desired and to be dreamed on. At the end, it is once more up to us to glance downward, away from the heavens, into the road that stretches ever onward.

Thanks in advance for any comments and suggestions!

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

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Not many people in the world can claim to have engaged in a permanent extracurricular. No one will be able to play football or dance forever. However, there is one activity that I believe transcends limitations. And that is the ability to think.

And debate in its simplest form is the art to think critically. As long as you are alive and conscious, you retain the ability to think. And if you are not conscious... well, you wouldn't really care by then.

As captain of my team, I truly believed that I have made a difference in the lives of everyone who learned from me. Awards and recognition are soon forgotten by the world, but the joy of being able to teach and guide the largest team in our schools history is never forgotten. They would always know how to think, and I, always remember.

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Undergraduate / I am an atheist: Struggle for personal growth - Common App: Personal Essay [4]

This is my tentative opening. Please give me any suggestions you might have!

Tone, Hook, Narrative style, etc.. :D

Thanks in advance!
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I am an atheist, yet strangely enough, I study in a catholic school. I'm not just talking about a school founded by Catholics (though my school was founded by Opus Dei) but a school in where we begin and end classes with prayers, where religion and moral theology are required subjects, where half the population either wear crosses or scapulars.

It was only natural that a "freak" like me would be subject to the snide remarks of my fellow classmates. I don't blame them; we were after all just entering high school, hardly adolescents, boys in fact. But I was afraid. Afraid of being prosecuted, afraid of being isolated. Towering seniors cornering me during lunch, their queries founded on incredulity and distrust. Them, and their jeering laugh. Me, a small bug caught between the intersecting webs of scorn, malice, and disdain.

I kept asking myself, is it worth it? It would have been easy to lie; "Oh yes, I believe in god the father almighty." But how much is pride worth? How much does it cost to lie to myself? It was a choice between a fragile peace and the destruction of my beliefs.

Undergraduate / "A place for the ambitious learners" - Why Brown University? 1000 characters. [8]

I love Brown. Plain and simple. Stepping into Wriston quad, I saw Brown for the first time, and wow, would I always remember. It fascinated me; its architecture, surroundings, and even the strutting pigeons practically screamed "Dream University!!!." It was love at first sight; no other schools (and I have visited quite a few) has ever come close in creating the same, almost magical, effect.

Yet Brown is so much more than just its cover. It is a place where the ambitious learners can spread their wings, without fear of workloads. It is a place where dreamers can exist and look for their faeries without fear of reality. It is a place where world class education happens not at the cost of happiness, but rather, as the result of it. This place is Brown, and this is where I want to be.

Undergraduate / Brown Engineering - Why biomedical. "Most potential" [5]

3. Brown offers programs in Biomedical, Chemical, Civil, Computer, Electrical, Materials, and Mechanical Engineering. Because there is a common core curriculum within Engineering, students need not select a specific area until their junior year. We are curious to know, however, if any particular program within Engineering presently appeals to you. If so, please discuss that choice.

I intend to take up Biomedical engineering. For me, it is the field with the most potential. As a relatively new branch of science, there are many questions that still need to be answered and many mysteries that still await the bold ...

Undergraduate / What I dont know - Being a student. [4]

French novelist Anatole France wrote: "An education isn't how much you have committed to memory, or even how much you know. It's being able to differentiate between what you do know and what you don't." What don't you know?

500 words maximum. Very rough draft. Wrote this in a burst of sadness...

Give me any comments please. Thanks in advance.
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The Pomp and Circumstances March play in the background. I sit idly beside the computer screen. I hear the marching footsteps, the rising trumpet notes, and imagine in their midst, those glorious graduates. I wonder if I am doing the right thing. When will I ever be able to hear those sounds as I march through the gates of Brown? When will I be able to demonstrate that I know enough to set foot in that secluded patio of excellence? I know my geography, my history, my psychology, and my calculus. I know my SAT, my ACT, and my Molecular Biology. But all this is nothing, because, surprisingly, in order for me to get in, I have to show them what I don't know.

Just sitting here, I can think of at least a hundred things I don't know. I do not know who composed this wonderful March; I do not know where my laptop came from, or even why I am even able to think about laptops in the first place. Now that I think about it, I wonder if the wish I made to my first shooting star will ever come true, or if the star has long since disintegrated into little faeries; for all I know, that is where Tinker Bell came from. But strangely enough, I realize that everything I do not know is simply something waiting for me to find out. A quick bit of sleuthing tells me that Sir Edward Elgar was the composer of Pomp and Circumstance and my laptop was actually made by Toshiba in Taiwan. Shooting stars are actually not stars, just huge pieces of rocks. Faeries, surprisingly, don't even exist.

But some things aren't that easy to find out. There are still many things that I don't know but which I want to find out. Chiefly among them, I do not know what it is like to be a student at Brown. I do not how I will react receiving my acceptance letter. I do not know what it feels like to relax in my dorm as a freshman, enjoying the company of chicken and a bottle of coke. I do not know what it is like to be a rising sophomore, perhaps taking my seventh course this semester. I do not know what it is like to be a junior, entering the year, full of excitement to participate in the study abroad program. I do not know what it is like to finally be a senior of Brown, to be able to look back on my four years with fond memories and to finally graduate under the beautiful melodies of Pomp and Circumstances as I cross Van Wickle Gates for my second and last time.