Undergraduate / High School Chess Championships: A winner [10]

College applications haven't opened yet, so I'm just writing about a topic that interested me and am hoping that I will be able to fit to the topic given in the application.

Please give me any suggestions/advice on how to improve it. In particular, I feel that my attitude change towards the end seems drastic. Do you have any ideas on how to make it seem more realistic? Here is my essay:

A winner

It was the morning of April 18th, 2010. The sun had just begun breaking the clouds and bestowing its gentle light upon the inhabitants of Earth. There was a light breeze making its way through downtown Ohio and the cacophony of early morning traffic surrounded me as I walked into the Hyatt Regency. These minute details barely registered in my mind as I rushed through the sliding doors of the hotel. All my thoughts were focused on one thing: my game.

It was the last round of the three-day National High School Chess Championships. I had won five out of six rounds. Everything depended on this round. The difference between victory and defeat meant the difference between an impressive trophy and a "consolation prize." I considered this as I walked into the grand hall and looked across the hundreds of chess sets that had been placed for the final round. I was not content to settle for such a low rank. I had to win. I had to succeed.

Chess is not simply a game; it is a war. Each opponent tries to predict the other, set traps, and corner the king. As in any war, there are unprecedented twists and turns. Just as a battlefield never remains static, the board never stays the same. Opportunities arise at unexpected times, and opponents must decide how to use them to their advantage.

For some time, our battle resembled the Cold War. We would come close to all-out war over a single pawn, and then one of us would back off. This nerve-wracking lull in the battle lasted for over an hour as each of us waited for the other to tip the war towards complete mayhem. At last, the scale overbalanced and both of us lost pieces in quick succession. When I lost my Queen, I knew that the battle was lost. My Queen was the tip of the spear that was my attack. Now that the tip was broken, the spear would simply bounce off the armor of my foe.

My four hour game had ended in defeat. I would not be going up on stage. I was simply one of the crowd, forgotten and obscure. Although I was depressed, I put on a brave smile in front of my parents, and went to the bathroom to gather myself. I looked at myself in the mirror: two bloodshot eyes, a depressed expression, and a defeated posture. I shook my head at the mirror, as if I disapproved of the way it depicted me. In truth, I was frustrated by my own incompetence.

I doused my face in the frigid tap water that I cupped in my hands. It was the jolt of cold water that brought me to my senses. It felt so good, so fresh, and so full of life. Suddenly my attitude seemed childish. Had I become so occupied with the concept of winning that I had mistaken it for success? Winning or losing is the perception of people around me. Whether I win or lose depends on how I perceive myself, and I refuse to define myself based on what other people think about me.

Chess is not about winning or losing; it's about learning. I should be proud of what I had accomplished. I had tried my best, and I had held my own against someone who was more experienced. In the process, I achieved a new level of concentration. Four hours was the longest I had ever spent on a single game. While competition is certainly important, it is simply another means towards self-improvement, nothing more.

I came out of the bathroom with a genuine smile on my face. I went backstage, and proudly received my consolation prize. I felt like a winner.

Undergraduate / Best advice essay on "Hakuna matata" (from The Lion King) [4]

I have to write about the best advice I have ever given or received. The word limit is 250, but I went 100 words over it. If anyone can help me cut out unnecessary parts, I would really appreciate it. Also, I'm not very happy with how this essay turned out, and am considering writing a new one. Do you think I should do that, or is it possible to make this essay sound better? Here it is:

In my childhood, whenever I did something that demanded a lot of effort, I received a sugar crystal. As I grew older, whenever I did something that demanded a lot of effort...I received a nod. Not that nods are bad, but I wanted something more. Something that would invigorate me and restore some energy back into my monotonous routine. Something that would free my soul from its shackles and allow me to stare at the world in wide-eyed wonder once again. I wanted something that would make me see the world in a whole new perspective.

The best advice I have ever been given comes from one of my favorite childhood movies: The Lion King. As simba lay depressed over the death of his father, his newly found friend Timon gave him some advice to cope with his loss. He said "Hakuna Matata" (meaning 'no worries'). There is something profoundly remarkable about having no worries. The very concept is alien to our highly competitive world.

As I entered my junior year, homework and stress increased dramatically. AP classes were unlike any other class I had ever encountered. Multiple-choice questions were taken to a whole new level of thinking and timed essays left me scrambling for words. Along with my classes came the commitments of the various clubs in which I had assumed active roles. Preparation for Chess tournaments, Science Olympiad competitions, and HOSA conferences took up a large chunk out of my time. As the relentless flow of work absorbed most of my time, I began to feel like the little simba in the movie. I felt overwhelmed.

Timon's advice proved to be an invaluable asset in dealing with stress. Every night after finishing my homework, I created my personal 'hakuna matata'. I turned off the lights, sat in my swiveling chair and gazed out at the night sky. With my ipod quietly playing one of Mozart's symphonies, I was able to drag my mind away from the quagsmire of the past and future and focus on the present.

Undergraduate / "There is a reason why the other man thinks", the best advice [2]

The word approx. is 250. I'm at 285, but I think that should be ok. Here is my essay. Please suggest any improvements.

"There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason-and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality."

The best advice I have ever received comes from Dale Carnegie's "How to Win Friends & Influence People." In it, Carnegie stresses the importance of understanding the other person's perspective. His quote emphasizes a characteristic that all human beings share: We believe ourselves to be right. Each human is, without exception, egocentric. For each one of us, reality is formed upon the basis of our experiences. Hence, the concept of a "reality" becomes obsolete and perception is all that exists. In a world filled with nearly seven billion unique perceptions, who am I to say that mine is the one "true" perception? But the fact that I exist and continue to maintain my set of beliefs is proof of my bias. This realization has allowed me to analyze events and concepts in ways that I had never thought possible.

One of the main areas that I have reconsidered is religion. Being brought up by a highly religious mother and a father who liked to play devil's advocate, I was not very certain of my stance on religion. Doesn't the existence of one God contradict the existence of another? Or do all Gods represent human perceptions of the same entity? But isn't God supposed to be the ultimate reality? Accepting that God can be perceived in different ways goes against the definition of "ultimate" reality. For that matter, does God even exist? After reading Carnegie's book, I was able to extricate myself from this maze of doubts and embrace a new definition of reality. Reality is perception.

What I don't like about this essay is that I don't really seem to be "saying" anything. I introduce an idea, but I feel like I don't apply it properly. Maybe I should have chosen a different example as something I reconsidered? Can anyone give me any suggestions as to what I should replace religion with?

Undergraduate / (Fasting) - What is the best advice you've ever given or received? [4]

Tik...tok...tik...tok. The seconds ticked by monotonously. Time had slowed down. I stared at the clock ferociously, willing it to move faster, to end the agony. My stomach writhed and made loud noises. Food was within my reach, but I could not eat. My throat was parched dry. I had a cup filled with water, but I could not drink. This is how it feels to fast.

My first few tries at fasting failed miserably. I simply could not let a whole day pass by without eating a Pop-tart. I was surprised when I saw my 80-year old grandparents easily fasting two days at a time whereas I could not restrain myself even for a day.

"Maybe old people don't need to eat as much," I thought, trying to make excuses for myself. Deep inside, I knew that this was caused by my lack of strong will. I was a slave, dictated by the impulses of my mind. My father once said, "Control your mind, and it can be your best friend. Lose control, and it can be your greatest enemy." Like so many others, I had lost control, and my own mind was my enemy. I took it as a challenge to free myself from the shackles that my mind had cast upon me. I would fast to prove to myself that I have a strong will.

After many years of practice, I am now able to fast with relative ease. However, fasting is not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is to develop a strong will through which I can pursue my career goals in a more efficient manner.

I feel like this essay is too mechanical...like there's not that much feeling behind it. Also, I'm really not happy with my ending. I want to somehow relate this to my personality, and to my studies, but not really sure how. I went a little over the word limit at 270 words (supposed to be 250), but it said "approximately", so that should be okay. The quote seems cliche to me, but I'm using it for lack of a better one. Also, if you have any suggestions for a good title, I would really appreciate it. Thanks!

Undergraduate / Optional Essay-Talking about my personality, interests, etc. [6]

I addressed the reader towards the end. I am wondering if that is ok in an essay? Please suggest any improvements and ways to scale down the essay. I am about 100 words over the limit.

This is the essay topic:
"Is there anything else you would like to share with us regarding your background or interests that you didn't have the opportunity to share elsewhere? Have you overcome exceptional difficulties or challenges? Have you participated in any programs or activities to help you prepare for college, such as Governor's School, Project Uplift, Gear-Up, AVID, Upward Bound, LEAD, or Summer Ventures?"

Here is my response:

In the summer of 2010, I took four courses at Central Piedmont Community College (Java, Web Development Tools, C#, and Visual Basic) and discovered my passion for working with computers. I loved looking for bugs in the code, correcting them, and running the program. Perhaps my fascination with programming comes from the fact that it is similar to chess. There are so many ways to bring about a particular result, and attention to detail is paramount in both. Different languages allowed different features to the program. Switching from one language to another was like changing the rules of chess. If the bishop could move vertically, and the rook could move diagonally (instead of vice versa as in normal chess), so many new possibilities would arise!

My ultimate goal, however, lies in the medical field. After majoring in computer science, I plan to apply to medical school, and specialize in neurosurgery. When I took Honors Anatomy & Physiology in 10th grade, I was almost entranced by the intricacy of the nervous system. Learning about the speed with which messages are relayed to the brain, the complex mechanisms of neuromuscular junctions, and the multifarious interactions of neurons helped arouse my interest in the nervous system. Perhaps this is one of my flaws, but I tend to have a fascination for the unknown. It is said that the brain is the least known part of the body. This field appealed to me philosophically as well. What better to study than my own brain, the origin of all of my thoughts?

Through my application, I hope I have presented myself as clearly and concisely as possible. Thank you for your time and patience.

Writing Feedback / Identifying with the villain, a figure who wasn't a hero [3]

Here is the topic:
"It's easy to identify with the hero-the literary or historical figure who saves the day. Have you ever identified with a figure who wasn't a hero-a villain or a scapegoat, a bench-warmer or a bit player? If so, tell us why this figure appealed to you-and if your opinion changed over time, tell us about that, too."

Below is my response. Please suggest any improvements!

searching for a "greater truth"

I have always been an idealistic and philosophical individual. There were times when I felt that all of my endeavors towards the pursuit of knowledge were worthless, because once I die, none of that really matters. At such times, I felt that a search for a "greater truth" would be a more lasting achievement in life. But I did not know exactly what that "greater truth" represented, or what its significance would be.

In 6th grade, I read "Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley. I was able to connect to the main character, Victor Frankenstein because he also seemed to be searching for a "greater truth", which he defined as "the nature behind all things" (p. 7). However, Frankenstein did not simply entertain the thought of a higher body of knowledge; He pursued it. Although he had created (in his view) a monstrosity, I felt that he was completely justified in conducting his experiments. He had a principle in mind, and he followed it. Sometimes experiments go awry, and sometimes they yield the desired result. The end result is not what matters. The perseverance to conduct the experiment matters.

When venturing into unexplored bodies of knowledge, there are bound to be unexpected results. If people are prohibited from exploring for that very reason, human society would not advance! A famous example which is introduced in every biology textbook is Alexander Fleming's accidental discovery of penicillin. He discovered that mold (of the penicillium family) had stopped the growth of the staphylococcus culture.

The world exists to be explored. Frankenstein embodied these ideals and I admire him for his tenacity in his search for the truth.