Undergraduate / "Opportunitistic Experiences"- UC Undergrad Essay 1 [3]

Hi,
I hope that this essay is good in content and grammar structure. I am still worrying that the introduction isn't a strong grabber. Also, i do not know if I am telling more than showing. Thanks. The conclusion will come soon.

Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Coming from a "privileged" upbringing, I am surrounded with many opportunities and reliable people that formed my well-rounded characteristics and prepared steps for my future. I was able to enrich my education and social networks from superb schooling, experience different surroundings from traveling, and partake in extracurricular activities to explore in different interests. In addition to the provided opportunities, my experiences working with my father, golf career, and mother's cancer diagnosis motivated thoughts of higher aspirations and prepared components of my future.

Helping out my father in his restaurant, I observed the complicated work he encountered to give my sister and I "privileged" lifestyles. Watching him persevere through long hours of work as a chef, I realize that his job will not be suitable for my future. As a result, I acknowledged that I should utilize my given opportunities to improve my education and characteristics to ensure a better lifestyle in the future. My standards and expectations for my future life and occupation grew. I understood that by getting a job that uses more "brains" than hard labor, I will have to take advantage of the knowledge learned from well-represented schools and friends from my social networks. I now aspire to receive a well-represented job and become financially independent from debts. In return, I desire to follow my school's motto, "men with and for others," and contribute back to society.

As one of my most enjoyed interests, golf is a big portion of my life. It allowed me to prepare life-values, like integrity and perseverance, for my everyday usage. In addition, golf provided opportunities for me to volunteer at the First Tee, meet new people, and explore different environments. Golfing for school influenced me to embrace leadership and teamwork. Although golf is an individual sport, playing for my school was a training ground to compete to my best ability and to give encouragement to my struggling teammates. As the captain of the JV golf team, I took the responsibilities of being a team player by encouraging struggling teammates to finish strong and making sure my performance motivated my teammates to play better. Because of this sport, I was able to easily expand my social skills, knowledge of social issues, and character development.

Recently, my mother had surgery because she was diagnosed with liver cancer. In her recovery period, I learned how to be independent and to be a leader in my household. Because my father has to take care of my mother, I am solely responsible for my sister, my family's financial paperwork, meals, and chores. I discovered that this challenging experience without my parents' support will prepare my future independent lifestyle. By accomplishing this challenge, I feel ready to take on my independent lifestyle in college and in my future occupation.

Undergraduate / Challenge of facing "Mother's Surgery" -USC [2]

Hi,
Please feel free to criticize. I need urgent help!

Thomas Edison failed many times before successfully inventing the modern electric light bulb. He said, "If I find 10,000 ways something won't work, I haven't failed. I am not discouraged, because every wrong attempt discarded is another step forward." Reflect on a challenge you overcame through persistence:

Anxiously waiting for a confirmation on my mother's MRI scan report, I feared that the worst has come for my family. Doctors believe that there is a cancerous tumor discovered in my mother's liver. Doubting that this news is true, my mother constantly visited her doctor and requested a second opinion. At the same time, I had thoughts about how my lifestyle will change from the dependent lifestyle I have. But returning home from Orchestra practice on a Wednesday night, I was solemnly informed that my mother is diagnosed with liver cancer and will have to undergo surgery.

Emotionally devastated by this sudden event, I encountered difficult challenges with focusing on my social and academic life. Beginning my senior year, I enrolled in many rigorous courses, started on my college applications and continued to be involved in more activities, such as leading my new club. I wanted to achieve my goal of finishing strong academically and to contribute back to my school as much as possible. Along with the difficult time transitioning into my senior year, my mother's situation continually distracted me from my academics. For me to think less about my mother's condition and to think more about my academics, I challenged myself to step outside of my quiet and secretive self. I needed to open myself to my counselors and to people I know, instead of stressing myself by keeping my emotions about my mother inside my head.

In addition to my desire of finishing strong in my senior year, I had to take on more responsibilities than what I was used to. Dependent on my parents support, I only had to focus on my volunteering and academic activities. But because my father has to care of my mother, I took the responsibility of cooking meals, caring for my sister, doing household chores and following up on utility bills. With this obstacle, I found it difficult to manage my busy academic and activity priorities with my new household tasks. Along with the challenge of working hard in academics, I also had to work on my time management, a skill that I have not successfully developed. I have experienced times where I wanted to give up on my goal of finishing strong this senior year because I did not have a schedule that accurately fits all of my activities. Learning from these mistakes, I finally devised a schedule that would allow me to perform my household responsibilities, study hard in academics, and participate in my activities. As my hectic schedule comes to an end this semester with my mother recovering her surgery, I feel accomplished to have improved several of my life-skills and to have maintained my goal.

From this situation, I was able to manage my time and continue to work hard at both my academics and extracurricular activities. Ultimately, this experience allowed me to become more independent and more focused on my academic goals.

Thanks!!!

Undergraduate / "golf is a major component of my life" - Club Leadership Role: Yale Essay [NEW]

Hi,
Here is my essay for Yale. Please criticize for any grammar mistakes or if the content needs adjustment! Thanks!!

In this required second essay, tell us something that you would like us to know about you that we might not get from the rest of your application - or something that you would like a chance to say more about. Please limit your essay to fewer than 500 words.

Compared to my other extracurricular activities, golf is a major component of my life. A three year member of my high school's golf team, I was fortunate enough to be chosen as the captain of the Junior Varsity golf team. This position on the golf team encouraged me to be mindful of others, to look for opportunities for improvement, and to develop a positive outlook in all life situations. Following what I have learned from my position in the golf team, I decided to improve the quality of life for some while contributing back to my school by starting my first club. With my school's motto, "men and women with and for others," at heart, I started the Golf Outing Club.

The Golf Outing club offers students, who had never played golf or were cut from the team, the opportunity to engage in the sport and to volunteer for organizations, like the First Tee of San Francisco. After leading this club for several months, I realized that maintaining it will be challenging. Without any experience in club affairs, I had trouble keeping in touch with my members and keeping track of club events, such as golf outings and volunteering opportunities. To keep members constantly informed about club events, I started a group page on Facebook and created a club webpage. Furthermore, I had to make sure that the price for the round of golf is right for every participant before our outings to golf courses. Keeping this in mind, I stepped out of my comfort zone to negotiate with golf course managers for group discounts. In addition to having outings to golf courses, our club offers volunteering opportunities to the First Tee program. At the First Tee program, group members would help students form their moral characteristics while teaching the game of golf. Besides volunteering, we also host fundraising events, like bake sales, at our school to help out the First Tee program. Some of the money from these fundraisers is used to purchase golf items, like putting mats, for us to use while volunteering for other organizations, like the St. Anne's Senior Residence. During outings to St. Anne's, we would accompany the senior residents and engage in golf-related activities, like putting, with them. Forming this club helped me build a sense of accomplishment and pride in giving back to the school and to the community.

Leading my Golf Outing Club was a remarkable experience that helped me develop my leadership, responsibility, and time management skills. This opportunity has guided the development of my hard working and independent lifestyle. Today, I continue to utilize these skills to benefit my everyday life and my club's growth. With what I have accomplished as the president of my club, I feel inspired to continue to give back and to work hard so that I can achieve my pursuit of my ultimate dream: to become a successful member of society who is also able to make a difference in my community.

Undergraduate / "Club Leader, Acquaintance , Reason for Choice"- 3 Short Responses [4]

Hi,
I need help revising some of the short answers. Please help me out on the response that you think needs the most revision (possibly 2 or 3?). I will help you out too. Thank you!

2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. Write a note to your future roommate that reveals something about you or that will help your roommate - and us - know you better.

Hi Roommate,

I can't believe that we are roommates and -don't forget- best friends at Stanford! Do not be intimidated by the fact that this is my first time sharing rooms with someone. I guarantee you that we will go along easily. Actually, I would consider that you are lucky to be my roommate. We might struggle learning about each other during the first day because I am a quiet person most of the time. Anyways, as I quickly get comfortable with the environment, we will begin to learn more about each other because I am also a very vibrant and talkative person at times where I feel comfortable. I will apologize for this inconvenience ahead of time. Despite this setback, I am an independent person. Staying in Germany for a summer golf camp and constantly having my parents at work, I learned to manage my time wisely and take good care of my sister and myself.

Other than these personalities, I am reliable and responsible at all times. I am also able to perform many tasks. Cooking and golf are my distinguished abilities. Growing up with a family owned restaurant and in a Chinese environment, I can cook American breakfast and most importantly, Chinese cuisine, especially BBQ Pork Fried Rice. I also love to play competitive golf and although I might not become a professional, I will be happy to teach you. Now, you will be able to play a sport that will help you in the long run. I hope that I can share my college experiences with you!

3.Tell us what makes Stanford a good place for you.

Nestled in my home state, Stanford has always been my dream university to receive a top education. I am confident that Stanford, recognized as one of the internationally-renowned universities, is the right match for my future education and character development. With many opportunities, academic rigors, and groups of people encompassing Stanford, I want to be a part of Stanford's student body, which strives to become great contributors and leaders of the future.

Stanford's bustling environment captivated me to choose this university. Surrounded by many industrialized cities and infamous technology firms like Google, Stanford has multiple connections with innovative companies, which allows me to get a first-hand experience of entrepreneurship, a major I yearn to pursue. Helping my father run the family business, I want to further develop my business knowledge and experiences by learning from industries associated with Stanford and from Stanford's study abroad and research programs. Utilizing Stanford's well-known research program while studying abroad internationally, I will be able to explore the world and incorporate what I have learned from Stanford in my discoveries, which will surely help me develop into a successful product of Stanford.

In addition to its opportunities, Stanford's diverse and competitive student body challenges me to unleash my fullest academic and extracurricular potentials. I feel welcomed and eager to share with and learn from the community of ongoing creative ideas by students and faculty at Stanford.

Inevitably, I know that the opportunities surrounding Stanford's frontier will encourage me to continue being an assiduous and optimistic pioneer, who looks forward for inspiration to successfully pursue my major and to become a contributor to society.

Undergraduate / "Experiences in Economy" Essay [3]

Hi,
First of all, thank you for editing this essay. I think I still need some help with grammatical errors and repetitive words. Thank you again!

Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words maximum)

Surrounded by a family-operated business, I have developed my passion for business and economics. While helping my father run the family-owned restaurant, I have searched for efficient ways to communicate with customers and to maintain the business by applying several marketing and advertising strategies from the Small Business Administration program courses to it, expanding the horizon of my business experiences. I also have gained a sense of economics by analyzing how our surroundings affect the customers, the restaurant's profits, and the cost of purchasing raw goods. In addition to my previous experiences in the business and economics fields, I feel confident that the opportunities offered at the University of Michigan will help benefit my growth to success as a future businessman or economist.

University of Michigan's College of Literature, Science, and Arts provides a supportive and competitive academic environment, which consists of encouraging professors, innovative students, and enriching programs. Given the rigorous undergraduate curriculum for an economics major, I will be opened to challenge myself to incorporate my business and economic experiences from my family's restaurant with what I will learn and share in LSA's academic environment. Besides taking economic introductory classes, such as ECON 101 and 108, I am also eager to take ECON 299. Unlike most universities, University of Michigan offers credit points and memorable experiences while participating in ECON 299's internship programs.

Moreover, the unlimited "out of the classroom" opportunities, provided by LSA's internship programs and renown research facilities, are crucial to my goal of becoming a successful economist. Utilizing the internship programs and research facilities will continue to develop my experiences when I implement economic concepts from the classroom to the real world and interact with professionals in the economic and business fields. A research program that I am eager to join is the Undergraduate Research Opportunity Program because this particular program will help me gain a better understanding of economic concepts and will prepare me for future research in the future. In addition to these programs, the events hosted by the Michigan Economic Society (MES) are other great resources for me during my undergraduate career. I believe that the tutoring classes, additional seminars, workshops, and corporation events from MES will provide me golden opportunities to use economic theories and applications and train me for my future career in business.

University of Michigan offers a wide variety of academic and extracurricular opportunities for me to become involved in. The University's stand-out programs and courses will help me enhance my understanding of economics and business to the fullest potential with opportunities for me to apply them to real life. Ultimately, I chose the University of Michigan because I believe that its strong curriculums will help me pursue my major and become a successful person who can make a difference in society.

Undergraduate / "First Tee" Essay, Replay, Relax, Ready, and Redo (Community) [3]

Hi,
First of all, thank you for editing this essay. I think I still need some help with grammatical errors and repetitive words. Thank you again!

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

"Just keep the 4 R's in mind: Replay, Relax, Ready, and Redo. Focus on how you are going to hit this shot and forget about your mistakes on the previous hole. Most importantly, believe in yourself," I said to Anthony as he prepared for his tee-shot onto a challenging green surrounded by hazards, hoping to score his lowest round of golf. From my experiences as an avid volunteer coach of the First Tee program, such as teaching golf to students like Anthony, I have developed a strong sense of belonging to this organization.

Having volunteered for five years at the First Tee, a program which helps students form their moral characteristics while teaching the game of golf, I have met many students who shared the same passion in golf as me. These students, like Anthony, constantly find time in their busy schedules to practice golf and ask me for advice at the First Tee. Their actions reveal that they look to me for guidance and also as their pillar of support. This encouraged me to be mindful of others and develop a positive outlook in all life situations.

With my school's motto, "men and women with and for others," at heart, I wanted to contribute back to my school and to the First Tee by starting the first Golf Outing Club, which provides opportunities for students to engage in the sport and to volunteer for the First Tee program. At the same time, I arranged several golf fundraisers to raise money to support the cause of the First Tee program.

Undergraduate / Passion for Economics in Agriculture [3]

Hi,
First of all, thank you for editing this essay. I think I still need some help with grammatical errors, transitions, contents in the short essay, and sentence structure. Thank you again!

Please briefly tell us why you feel UC Davis is the right place for you to continue your education. 200 Words Maximum

Growing up with a family-operated restaurant, I helped run the business while applying several strategies from the Small Business Administration and analyzing how surroundings affect the restaurant's customers and profits. I have also noticed the effects of "supply and demand" on food costs from purchasing raw goods for the restaurant with my father. While expanding the horizons of my business experiences, I have developed a passion for economics and business.

With UC Davis' world-renown Agriculture and Resource Economics program, I will be able to increase my knowledge of the allocation, production, and consumption of food, while understanding the global social injustices and issues behind them. I am also eager to implement economic concepts from the classroom to the real world by utilizing the university's study abroad programs to China and its research opportunities to conduct my own research on agricultural economics. The stand-out programs and courses at UC Davis will help me enhance my understanding of economics to my fullest potential with opportunities for me to apply them to real life. Hence, I choose UC Davis because I am confident that its strong undergraduate programs and opportunities in Agriculture and Resource Economics will help me succeed as a future economist in the agricultural industry and become a benefactor to society.

210 words total