Undergraduate / "to seek and enhance my strengths and potential" - WHY BATES [9]

Hi, everyone. I'm new here :)
This is my "why Bates" essay, and I really need to be hurry !!!
I'm a typical student from Japan, not from intl school, so I really need someone to check my essay. My ALT said that red part should be erased, cause it's too much for "one or two paragraphs" essay. but I guess it's the part I can show my self to admissions. what do you think?

I appreciate any comments/criticisms/suggestions !!! Please !!!
I'll post other my essays soon, I really appreciate if you check them, too. Thank you :)

How did you discover Bates? Why do you wish to attend Bates?

"Do not worry if you have built your castles in the air; they are where they should be. Now, put the foundations under them." This is my favorite phrase by Henry D. Threau. Whenever I shrink from a big challenge, I've always remembered these words and tried to move forward to meet it step by step. One day, I was surprised to read on a web page, saying that Bates College was in Maine, where Threau loved to visit. I felt it was a fateful encounter for me --- always keeping his words in my mind, being eager to understand the power and the wonder of nature. Although "Bates" was struck in my mind, I didn't decide to go there for only this reason. However, over the last year, I've gradually been convinced that where I should go is not one of the hundreds of other colleges, just Bates.

Bates, I believe, is the best place for me to seek and enhance my strengths and potential. Its great environment --- small class sizes, a great dormitory life, and a close relationship between students and professors --- are telling me that they will certainly help me to achieve my own goals which are to move myself higher and to broaden my out look world. However, what especially swayed me to make the final decision was that it has given students lots of opportunities to seek a new world for each individuals since its foundation. I believe that Bates has been a home for thousands of people who have various backgrounds where they can conduct discussions openly and enthusiastically. Environment which enables me to live and interact with students who also come to seek diverse international experiences is exactly what I want. It was when I visited Taiwan that I realized keenly how important it was to see the world from various angles. As a member of Japanese High School Student Delegation, I luckily met Lee Teng-hui, the former president of Taiwan. Listening to his talk about the history of Taiwan and Japan, I was shocked to realize that what I had learned was not the whole fact, but only one aspect of it. I realized that notionally I've never stepped out from Japan, where people share almost one culture, one language, and one perspective compared to other countries. Since then, I've been eager to experience different sense of values, and to learn how to view truth or justice in this global society. I am certainly sure that it is at Bates where I can seek, and find, what I need to be a full fledged cosmopolitan. I would be very interested in applying for the study abroad program which is one of the unique and attractive options that Bates offers if I were to be accepted. That experience would enable me to learn how to see the world in a different way; that is, a way which I wouldn't be able to see from life with Bates' international community alone. It would be a great honor to be able to achieve my goals at Bates college, where I will be able to "put the foundations under my castles".

Undergraduate / "I love playing the piano" - SHORT ANSWER [7]

This is my short answer about playing the piano.
It's 245 words now (!!) but I can't make it shorter, 150 words!!!!
Where should I cut ?
I really appreciate any comments or suggestions! Thank you so much!

I love playing the piano. There is always silent and peaceful moment, a concealed passion before I play it alone in my dimly lit room. I sit on the edge of my old chair, close my eyes and smell the night air. I put my fingers on the keys and feel their cold and smooth touch like marble. My energy, which is normally hiding deep in my heart, gradually spills out and travels excitedly to the tips of my fingers. I love listening to the echo of simple chords filling my small room. I feel my heart fills with joy and sadness with the movement of the melodies.These times are some of the precious moments in my life. It allows me to imagine anything --- I can see the tears on the cheek of beautiful swan, or I can even become a part of the harsh mountain winds --- in other words, it enables me to make my own world. It puts me back to a blank slate. The moment I put all my energy to play a tune is the only time when I feel my heart is completely released from struggle. Nothing else can make me so honest, as I can calmly and objectively see what is happening in my mind just by playing a simple song. It is for these feelings; those that always cheer me up and give me energy to live even in tough times that I love playing my piano.

Undergraduate / "The moment in the shallows" MY COMMON APP ESSAY [15]

Hi everyone!
I really need someone to check my essay. This is my common app essay "essay of your topic".
What is very bad is that it's 1372 words!! too long x(
As I said before in other post, I'm a Japanese and as far as I know, no other students in my province apply for a college in America,,, that is why I need your help here. Please, give me any suggestions/criticisms/comments, I really appreciate you.

my question:
1) do I have to change the title? Is it too general?
2) my English teacher told me to erase the red part in order to make the essay shorter. do you think it'll still make sense if I put away it?

Thank you very much!!!

"The moment in the shallows"

It was only a tiny drop of water at first. I looked up at the sky, where other rain drops fell one after another. They were falling on the surface of the water, in which I was standing knee-deep. The beautiful patterns on the surface reminded me of my favorite sekitei - a sand and rock garden which I was impressed by at a temple in Kyoto. I used to hate the rain but, as I watched the changing patterns spreading to the horizon, I realized that I have grown to love it.

Every summer my family and I have gone at the beach. Unlike the normal beaches where tons of tourists enjoy their vacations, the beach we spend time at every year is small but a beautiful local beach in a village with no tourists and no noisy music playing over loudspeakers. It's still a mystery how my parents found it, as it is quite difficult to find this kind of place in Okinawa, an island as a famous sightseeing spot in Japan.

I love so many things about this place. Strolling along the dazzling white beach to look for beautiful shells, chasing Mijyun - an tiny agile blue fish- with my sister under the sea, and sleeping in the dark hearing only the sounds of calm waves. But one of the things I love most is this; to wait until everyone takes a siesta, stealthily going down to the beach with my swimsuit on, and then standing in the middle of the shallows where the cool waves gently lap against my calves. Just standing there with nothing special to do, this is the time I love, to look into both my heart, and at the world.

Every time I stand in the shallows, I recall some fragmented memories, and realize that I can't forget them easily. When I was small, I really hated rain because I was forced to face lots of my bitter memories. I couldn't forget that it was a dark rainy day when my parents left me for one night in a night child care center. I also remember the smell of the sea and rain --- which is the smell of my Grand-pa. He used to take me and my sister to go fishing with him when we were little. I loved him and fishing but I almost cried, because I had to a some notched lugworm on the hook by myself and it tried to bite me with its ugly teeth. As time goes by, however, I've been surprised to realize the fact that things I used to hate have changed as I have changed; now, I feel rather fond of them so that I even can cherish those memories. I've also found that there are some new added memories about rain which make me happy, like the sekitei in Kyoto. However, at the same time, I also find that the things I loved are also not what I believed them to be; growing older, now I know that the beautiful rose will wither and die someday and the dreams I have sometimes don't come true. Life is not so simple, not so easy.

Though, these realizations are not the biggest realization. What I was impressed to find out is that not only in joy but also in the pain that I have experienced, I have discovered the beauty of nature which holds my heart and will never let it go, and that realization taught me the true value of life. It is true that not everything in this world will turn out to be pleasant. Although a part of my heart still cannot avoid feeling sad to see the fading autumn leaves, I now understand that this melancholy makes winter even more beautiful and solemn. What I know now is that life is rich and profound, all the more so, because it has both pain and joy, rainy days and sun-filled ones.

Standing in the shallows also allows me to incite my deep intellectual curiosity. In the middle of the shallow, I can see the world clearly. Every movement and expressions of nature amazes me with the wonder and the mystery of it. It is fabulous to see rain squalls in the distance under the shining sunlight, or to feel a gentle breeze changing into a damp and cold wind. I saw the rain fall form the sky to the ocean and I felt the warm water vapor rise up into the air --- water circulation in act. For the first time, I felt I understood the word I learned from my textbook. This knowledge sank into me as a vivid and fresh revelation. Even though I've already learned it, finding nature's laws in the phenomena by myself is always a great discovery for me. I realized that what I was watching was a piece of the enormous structure of nature. I was standing so close to it that I heard its warm breathing.

I noticed that the wonder of nature was vast as the universe. I don't think I can know everything about it, but why would I give up seeking the wonderful truth that surrounds me and grabs my heart? The fact that there are too many things I still can't understand makes me feel excited, because that simply means there are so many possibilities I have yet to encounter. I just cannot stop loving wanting to explore the world that I've never seen, smelled, or touched.

Although it might be just for an hour, I always return from the shallows to the tent filled with the feelings that I cannot express in words. Happiness, ardor, joy, respect, gratitude --- I feel these things simultaneously. As I slowly get out of the water, I see my blended colorful feelings gradually change into a rosy red passion like the sunset on my back. I now can see the solid will in my mind; I am eager to learn about the world. I want to live, in this wonderful world. Even if I were standing in a forest in Norway, a stream in Vietnam, or a desert in Morocco, I would never forget what nature has told me in these shiny, shallows. "Life is beautiful," it's telling me, "in this unlimited universe and your unlimited future."

Undergraduate / Beloit - the words describe you --- avoid using dialects? [8]

Hi :)
This is my answer to Beloit College Supplement. There're 3 questions but I haven't done one of these, and this is it. I'm worry if I misunderstand what they mean, and I know it's not a good answer. Should I avoid using dialects (I'm from Japan) ?? What should I do to improve this??

Please, ANY COMMENTS / SUGGESTIONS / CRITICISMS ARE WELCOME !!! :) Thank you !

Beloit's viewbook describes our college with words and phrases intended to give you a sense of place and being a Beloiter and may be unexpected: 'inspiring,' 'attitude,' 'frontier,' 'like nowhere else,' 'turtles,' 'double major (not uncommon),' 'swoon,' 'real people,' 'responsibility,' 'confusion,' 'DNA,' 'venture,' 'entrepreneurial,' 'tight-knit,' 'hands-on,' 'wry,' 'live.'

What words or phrases describe you or your life? No essay required, just words.
'Uchinanchu (Okinawan),' 'inner passion,' 'curious,' 'loving nature,' 'quest,' 'explore the world first-hand,' 'pioneer,' 'limitless,' 'optimist,' 'no music, no life,' 'persistent,' 'visionary,' 'earnest,' 'adventurous,' 'enjoy challenges,' 'indomitable spirit,' 'pride of identity,' 'keen traveler,' 'cross-fertilization,' 'defiant of circumstances,' 'thrive adversity,' 'aspiring,' 'Yuimaru (mutual cooperation),' 'my own way,' 'not lose sleep over,' 'blessed.'

max 400 characters and it's 412 now.
I have to cut some words...

Undergraduate / How did you originally learn about Beloit? (a Japanese student) [6]

Hi :)
This is the second part of my Beloit college supplement.
Words limit is 400 characters, and it's 650 right now --- I gotta cut 250 words!
I wonder if I can answer the question well :( How can I fix it to make it better ??
Any comments/suggestions/criticisms are welcome !!!
Thank you :) :)

How did you originally learn about Beloit? What or who has been the most valuable search engine, book, tool, or person you have used in your college search and why?

As a Japanese students, the only available tool for my college search was the Internet sources - I checked lots of site like college board, unigo, or the princeton review. Though I deleted nearly 200 colleges from my list, Beloit have never moved its position. One day, searched its name on the website. To my surprise, there were some blogs by Japanese exchange students who reported their real life at Beloit college. That was the first time when Beloit grabbed my heart. Reading all of their detailed journal about their lots of delights and struggles at Beloit, I learned how they are welcomed by its international community. Their honest opinions and all the reviews about Beloit including complains and compliment, made me feel confident that Beloit is the best place for me.

Undergraduate / "Yuimaru spirit" Why Beloit, piano lessons (not whole) [2]

Hi !! I need your help again, the last answer to Beloit supplement. but only some parts which need grammar checking.
yup, the deadline is TODAY omg, I really need somebody to check my grammar!! I greatly appreciate any comments or suggestions !!!!!! and I'll see yours, too :)

Thank you so much!!!!

What should the Admissions Committee look for in you, beyond your transcript and scores, and why is Beloit among your college choices?

Although I am not the student who always sticks with friends and go to the bathroom with them, I always acquire deep knowledge not just by myself but by learning with my friends. Being in classroom and asked to help, I always had to face the fact that how I was ignorant of my ignorance, and found how difficult it is to help other people who have different views. But all the more, it was most purely-pleasurable moment for me, the moment when there were many lessons to learn about."How can you say this logic is wrong? Come on, explain it and convince me." We are often harsh to each other, demanding more and more convincing explanations. Well, it's true we often end up being lost for words and rush into the library or review the textbook carefully. But there is always the moment that we finally find what we seek and say, "Hey, I got it! You know what --- " and excitingly share the new knowledge with each other, ultimately with great satisfactions. Such learnings and helping with my classmates in the small competitive school taught me the importance of the "Yuimaru-spirit", the Okinawan traditional spirit of cooperation in a community. In Okinawa, we have firm community ties which has disappeared in mainland Japan. As an Okinawan, I'm proud of having this spirit, the invisible connection among people which I've found in teaching each other with my friends, helping neighbor children practice the traditional dance Eisa, or leading the school volunteer activity and the school chorus club.

Beloit, I believe, is the best place for me to seek my potential and enhance my strength; I've gained a leader ship in a school chorus club and a local community, a persistence from my piano lessons over 14 years, and a strong intellectual curiosity which always makes me energetic.

Undergraduate / Cornell College(not University!) Supplement (IA) two short answers [16]

Hi everyone :)
This is my "Cornell College Supplement", two answers with 250 characters limit for each.
I appreciate any comments or suggestions,,, especially grammar check!!!
THANK YOU ALWAYS !!! :) :)

1)"What influenced you to apply to Cornell, and why do you believe it might be a good college choice for you?"

Since it is great joy for me to devote myself to concentrate on learning a particular subject to understand the world more deeply, OCAAT system immediately grabbed my heart. It seemed perfect for me, and gave me confidence to make my final decision. (just 250 characters)

2)What will likely be the primary factors determining your college choice?

I chose very small colleges having high retention rate and motivated student body. I believe these factors enable me to have argument with people enthusiastically everyday, which is significant for me to learn different views and move myself higher. (just 250 characters)