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Posts by adam2028
Joined: Dec 24, 2010
Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
Threads: 10
Posts: 31  
From: United States

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adam2028   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "mother's womb and father's wrath" - common app [4]

H.G. Wells wrote, "History is a race between education and catastrophe." The course of human events is defined by the innovation that propels society into a new era and the tragedy that ensues when our knowledge is exhausted. I don't believe the relationship is so simple. Adversity is defeated by the mere act of trying to succeed in spite of catastrophic circumstances, regardless of whether or not success was met. It is about finding knowledge in suffering. The conflict of my own history, a story that was almost never written, taught me that education arises out of catastrophe. When faced with personal tragedy, I found a way to survive, even thrive.

My mother's womb provided little defense against my father's wrath. When my mother was six months pregnant, my father, in a drunken rage, beat her. My twin brother was killed instantly, and I, at only a pound, first opened my eyes to the world. From the beginning, my picture of the world was stained red. Beating after beating did my mother and I endure at the hand of my father. Then, my mother divorced my father, but my father wasn't done with me. When I was a child, he would stop beating me and force my frail body into his car and careen drunkenly all over the roads of Mississippi. As I grew, the beating only intensified.

My mother tried to spare me the heft of my father's hand, but sorrow lay on the path away from my father as well. Before I was eight, I knew homelessness, hunger, pestilence, and poverty. Even when we found a semblance of stability, I remained sick and money was never really there for medicine. Every other week any strength I had accrued was violently removed.

Right before I entered high school, my mother had two major strokes. It fell to me to care for the woman who had cared for me. Over the course of my secondary school career, Mom had several transient ischemic attacks. These were basically miniature strokes, but my mom insisted on working to support us. Whenever she got sick, I would nurse her back to enough health that she could type, and then she would be off to work again.

No sooner had Mom recovered than my grandfather got sick. An old stubborn Navy Chief, he had neglected his diabetes and went into both kidney and heart failure. He lay dead on the table for over 5 minutes and was in a coma for two weeks. Everyday, I sat by his bed and talked to him about how he had to wake up to see me graduate from college. That has always been his fondest wish, since no one in our family has ever even attended college. Then one day, he woke up. The doctor's were stunned. But he wasn't better. His health mandated strict care, and so, for a year, I traveled an hour a day to administer his medications, check his blood sugar, cook, and perhaps most important of all, talk to him.

The background of my life's artwork is filled with deepest black and bloodiest red, but, to me, it is a masterpiece because among the swirls of sin and sorrow are points of brightest light, glittering against the canvas like stars in the night sky. Those lights are the opportunities my existence has offered- infinite, unfathomable, and beautiful. Amongst such adversity present in my life, where could education emerge? The answer is just that: amongst such adversity. My education resides in the ruins of the catastrophe around me; my lessons are scrawled in the ashes of my innocence. I do not regret the life I have lived because I have learned from the life I have lived.
adam2028   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "the adversity that accompanied my educational career" -Possible Yale Supplement [2]

Success is not a measure of how much one has accomplished; it is a measure of how well one has utilized the resources available to them. Adversity is defeated by the mere act of trying to succeed in spite of catastrophic circumstances, regardless of whether or not success was met. It is about finding knowledge in suffering and using that to change things. The conflict of my own history, a story that was almost never written, taught me that it is in the hardships we endure that we are presented with the greatest opportunity of all: the chance to change a life, and in the process, have our own changed. Among the pages of my own personal tragedy, I found success.

My mother's womb provided little defense against my father's wrath. When my mother was six months pregnant, my father, in a drunken rage, beat her. My twin brother was killed instantly, and I, at only a pound, first opened my eyes to the world. From the beginning, my picture of the world was stained red. Beating after beating did my mother and I endure at the hand of my father. Then, my mother divorced my father, but my father wasn't done with me. When I was a child, he would stop beating me and force my frail body into his car and careen drunkenly all over the roads of Mississippi. As I grew, the beating only intensified.

My mother tried to spare me the heft of my father's hand, but sorrow lay on the path away from my father as well. Before I was eight, I knew homelessness, hunger, pestilence, and poverty. Even when we found a semblance of stability, I remained sick and money was never really there for medicine. Every other week any strength I had accrued was violently removed.

Right before I entered high school, my mother had two major strokes. It fell to me to care for the woman who had cared for me. Over the course of my secondary school career, Mom had several transient ischemic attacks. These were basically miniature strokes, but my mom insisted on working to support us. Whenever she got sick, I would nurse her back to enough health that she could type, and then she would be off to work again.

No sooner had Mom recovered than my grandfather got sick. An old stubborn Navy Chief, he had neglected his diabetes and went into both kidney and heart failure. He lay dead on the table for over 5 minutes and was in a coma for two weeks. Everyday, I sat by his bed and talked to him about how he had to wake up to see me graduate from college. That has always been his fondest wish, since no one in our family has ever even attended college. Then one day, he woke up. The doctor's were stunned. But he wasn't better. His health mandated strict care, and so, for a year, I traveled an hour a day to administer his medications, check his blood sugar, cook, and perhaps most important of all, talk to him.

The background of my life's artwork is filled with deepest black and bloodiest red, but, to me, it is a masterpiece because among the swirls of sin and sorrow are points of brightest light, glittering against the canvas like stars in the night sky. Those lights are the opportunities my existence has offered- infinite, unfathomable, and beautiful. Amongst such adversity present in my life, where could education emerge? The answer is just that: amongst such adversity. My education resides in the ruins of the catastrophe around me; my lessons are scrawled in the ashes of my innocence. I do not regret the life I have lived because I have learned from the life I have lived.

To think that I was alone in the adversity that accompanied my educational career always seemed absurd. I knew that even in my own community there were kids who, like me, couldn't always get to school because of their home life and who only got to eat a full meal in the cafeteria. The circumstances in my life that allowed me to empathize with these students empowered me to do something about it. My junior year of high school I helped found the Youth Advisory Council, a student led organization dedicated to ensuring a great education for anyone who sought one. Over the course of the following year, I spearheaded several campaigns to help reduce the drop-out rate, including providing peer-to-peer counseling services, tutoring students in courses they were struggling in, and working with teachers to accommodate for circumstances that made a normal education impossible. My life was changed by the smiles of those students. I had given them an opportunity and in doing so, I saw my own.

The first time I saw a look of understanding dawn of on the face of a student I was working with, I knew I wanted to teach, and it was for the same reasons that compelled me to want to one day give students a great education that I came to crave one. A great education offers the opportunity to succeed in spite of adversity. College, to me, is my chance to learn unencumbered by my past. I can build on prior knowledge while giving myself a fresh start on life. That's the opportunity I want to give my students: the chance to use the education I give them to be who they want to be, not what circumstance has made them.

I feel like its lacking something. I am considering adding another paragraph and including some narrative writing. The last paragraph feels a little cheesy. Thoughts?
adam2028   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "students and engineers" - Common Essay: Scuba Diving [4]

The anecdote at the beginning of your essay helped put the reader in the moment, however, i did notice some spelling and grammatical errors. For example, "Bioluminescence."
adam2028   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "the true beginning of my education" - BROWN supplement [12]

I agree that this essay is too short and that you just re wrote the prompt. this essay may make a good introductory paragraph, though. so you could keep this an writ a few more paragraps that answer the question
adam2028   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Harvard, Yale Essay (maybe): Choice 1 on a Cow Necropsy [8]

The imagery was vivid. i found my stomach turned when i read this...frankly, the shift at the beginning of the third paragraph is just really, really good. However, I would expand your conclusion to elaborate on the lesson you learned
adam2028   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay [13]

Sweat beaded along my brow line. My vision swam, and the lights seemed to beat down on me like the desert sun. "Adam, are you alright?" I leaned heavily against a locker. "Adam, don't just stand there, you asked to talk to me." The voice sounded distant, as if I had retreated so far within myself that sound had trouble reaching me. I breathed deeply and tried to regain composure despite my rapidly beating heart. "I..." I managed. Words seemed loath to leave my lips. I felt as if everyone in the hallway was looking at me. My cheeks burned red and my eyes affixed themselves to my shoes. Every agonizing second seemed to last for hours. Finally, I managed to choke out a garbled reply. "I...I wanted to tell you that you're special to me," I mumbled. "You're special to me too, Adam. I'm glad we're friends." Such cruel words were so beautifully spoken.

It was an enlightening experience. I could perform on stage in front of thousands of people. I could survive years of abuse, nurse relatives back from the brink of death, and help my mother support our family single-handedly, but there I was, daunted by a 5' 5", 100 lb pound, green-eyed girl. During those few seconds, I would have preferred the beatings to telling my best friend how I felt.

My fear ran deeper than mere nervousness. I had learned at an early age to confine my feeling to my mind's inner sanctum lest a stray remark incur my father's wrath. It was tantamount to torture for me to open myself to another person like that. I felt so vulnerable. More to the point, she was my friend, and I had never had many of those. She had changed my life when she walked into class the first day we met. It was the first day of seventh grade and I had taken my seat in the back corner of the class for gifted children. I never talked much, and she must have noticed my quiet demeanor, because, after a few minutes, she walked over, sat across the table from me, and just started talking. From that point on, I had someone in which I could confide in. To be perfectly candid, she was the first real friend I had ever had.

We often dismiss the tribulations of the average high school students as mere trivialities, but my time with Skyler has made me see something more in them. The events in my life have always oscillated between miracle and travesty. The hardship of my life and even the exceeding grace that has offered me a reprieve from it have made the struggles of normal human life a distant imagining. Falling in love, or thinking we do, making new friends, understanding a new concept in class, having a conversation, sharing a laugh-these are everyday experiences that we often discount-but, as someone who's life has made these moments scarce, I have learned that it is in these moments that we can find great knowledge, not just of the world, but of ourselves.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay [13]

Thanks! I had actually been kicking the same idea around in my head. In that case, i would use this one for my supplement. I think it shows a more light-hearted me. What do you think? Assuming I can maintaing the impact of the first two essays, do you think that this essay is reflective enough to give the committee insight into my character? Also, any ideas on how i might adapt this essay to fit any of the Princeton supplement topics.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay [13]

Post them. I'll definitely help you; you've been so gracious with your advice. Do you have any ideas about how to adapt this essay to fit in with one of the Princeton supplement topics? They are

Option 1 - Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

Option 2 - Using the statement below as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world:

"Princeton in the Nation's Service" was the title of a speech given by Woodrow Wilson on the 150th anniversary of the University. It became the unofficial Princeton motto and was expanded for the University's 250th anniversary to "Princeton in the nation's service and in the service of all nations."

- Woodrow Wilson, Princeton Class of 1879, served on the faculty and was Princeton's president from 1902 to 1910.

Option 3 - Using the following quotation from "The Moral Obligations of Living in a Democratic Society" as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world:

"Empathy is not simply a matter of trying to imagine what others are going through, but having the will to muster enough courage to do something about it. In a way, empathy is predicated upon hope."

- Cornel West, Class of 1943 University Professor in the Center for African American Studies, Princeton University

Option 4 - Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay [13]

I thought about that, but they say do not repeat in whole or in part the essay you wrote for the common app. And post your essays. I know it seems i've made some grammatical errors, but my editing abilities are nothing to sneeze at. I wrote all of my essays at night under heavy pain medication after my tonsillectomy so i was a little out of it.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Stargazing - Brown Supp - Intellectual Experience [8]

I would reflect more upon why it is the night sky holds such sway over you-make the intellectual experience you musings on your own feelings about it-not only is this a creative intellectual experience, it is what adcoms love-reflective. As for the last paragraph, to me, it is underwhelming to conclude with your sister calling you in. End on some thought provoking notion. The last paragraph could even be more about the sensations of returning to corporeal existence. That is, the rush of sense. The smell of fresh cut summer grass. The sweet honeysuckle wafting through the warm breeze. The incomparability of nature's beauty to the sensation of enlightened thought. Or even the thought of where you stood among the vastness of eternity-how the earthly sensations that seemed so immediate only served to remind you that the earth is among the heavens as well, a single point in the unfathomable plane of the celestial realm. All in all, you're off to an amazing start. Your diction really conjured the experience in my mind. That's what took this essay above the ordinary in my mind-the diction.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "The hardship of my life" - Possible Yale/Harvard supplement essay [13]

I just commented on it. It was honestly truly astounding writing. The suggestions I made were in no way meant to suggest that the essay was anything short of magnificent. And i think you're right and it really really saves me a lot of time.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Stargazing - Brown Supp - Intellectual Experience [8]

Definitely the latter. It was...amazing. An intellectual experience is a very open concept, and that last paragraph definitely showed contemplation. I STRONGLY recommend using the second one.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Stargazing - Brown Supp - Intellectual Experience [8]

They're Brown, they know that pretty much everyone applying could write about hum drum books. Only a few special people can find intellectual merit in normal experiences. Hmm, ironic. haha
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Stargazing - Brown Supp - Intellectual Experience [8]

I'm completing my stanford app tomorrow. well, today, i guess. When its all said and done ill have applied to harvard, princeton, yale, stanford, brown, columbia, duke, vanderbilt, and the university of mississippi. Luckily for me, I write versatile essays.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "startled into thought" - Why Yale and Short Answers [2]

What in particular about Yale influenced your decision to apply?I once heard Yale described a a place where a person can't help but be "startled into thought." That speaks to me, not just as a future student, but as a future educator. To live and learn in a place where my mind is always active allows me to make the most of my four years in college. I do not want my time in college to be idle. I want every day to be a chance to use the resources Yale offers to make a difference in the life of my future students by fostering understanding in and of myself.

What would you do with a free afternoon tomorrow?Tomorrow happens to be Christmas Eve, so I'll probably spend some time volunteering in a soup kitchen, help my mother prepare Christmas dinner for the two of us, and rest.

Recall a compliment...what was it and who said it? A friend and valedictorian of the class preceding mine once told me that I "lived my life like a character in a book."

If you could witness one moment in history, what would it be and why? Still composing a response.
What do you wish you were better at being/ doing? I wish I was better at living in the moment. Too often I get so entangled in my hopes and concerns about the future that I miss opportunities for happiness in the present.

If you were choosing a freshman class, what would you ask? Still composing a response.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "My second family NHS" - University of Michigan [3]

This essay very adequately answers the prompt, but i did notice a few things that bothered me. For instance, in the first sentence it might sound better as "Welcome TO our new inductees COMMA who...

"This is not a simple high school club but A" Drop the is.
"Being on the Executive Board, my role in the NHS family is that of a big brother." This flows better.
"The National Honors Society is my family and I am only a small part of it." This is generic. I recommend just deleting that sentence. The last sentence helps show this idea rather than tell it.

All in all, a really good response. Please, Please read my common app revision.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Success is a measure of how well one has utilized the resources available" -commonap [5]

Success is not a measure of how much one has accomplished; it is a measure of how well one has utilized the resources available to them. Adversity is defeated by the mere act of trying to succeed in spite of catastrophic circumstances, regardless of whether or not success was met. It is about finding knowledge in suffering and using that to change things. The conflict of my own history, a story that was almost never written, taught me that it is in the hardships we endure that we are presented with the greatest opportunity of all: the chance to change a life, and in the process, have our own changed. Among the pages of my own personal tragedy, I found success.

My mother's womb provided little defense against my father's wrath. When my mother was six months pregnant, my father, in a drunken rage, beat her. My twin brother was killed instantly, and I, at only a pound, first opened my eyes to the world. From the beginning, my picture of the world was stained red. Beating after beating did my mother and I endure at the hand of my father. Then, my mother divorced my father, but my father wasn't done with me. When I was a child, he would stop beating me and force my frail body into his car and careen drunkenly all over the roads of Mississippi. As I grew, the beating only intensified.

My mother tried to spare me the heft of my father's hand, but sorrow lay on the path away from my father as well. Before I was eight, I knew homelessness, hunger, pestilence, and poverty. Even when we found a semblance of stability, I remained sick and money was never really there for medicine. Every other week any strength I had accrued was violently removed.

Right before I entered high school, my mother had two major strokes. It fell to me to care for the woman who had cared for me. Over the course of my secondary school career, Mom had several transient ischemic attacks. These were basically miniature strokes, but my mom insisted on working to support us. Whenever she got sick, I would nurse her back to enough health that she could type, and then she would be off to work again.

No sooner had Mom recovered than my grandfather got sick. An old stubborn Navy Chief, he had neglected his diabetes and went into both kidney and heart failure. He lay dead on the table for over 5 minutes and was in a coma for two weeks. Everyday, I sat by his bed and talked to him about how he had to wake up to see me graduate from college. That has always been his fondest wish, since no one in our family has ever even attended college. Then one day, he woke up. The doctor's were stunned. But he wasn't better. His health mandated strict care, and so, for a year, I traveled an hour a day to administer his medications, check his blood sugar, cook, and perhaps most important of all, talk to him.

The background of my life's artwork is filled with deepest black and bloodiest red, but, to me, it is a masterpiece because among the swirls of sin and sorrow are points of brightest light, glittering against the canvas like stars in the night sky. Those lights are the opportunities my existence has offered- infinite, unfathomable, and beautiful. Amongst such adversity present in my life, where could education emerge? The answer is just that: amongst such adversity. My education resides in the ruins of the catastrophe around me; my lessons are scrawled in the ashes of my innocence. I do not regret the life I have lived because I have learned from the life I have lived.

To think that I was alone in the adversity that accompanied my educational career always seemed absurd. I knew that even in my own community there were kids who, like me, couldn't always get to school because of their home life and who only got to eat a full meal in the cafeteria. The circumstances in my life that allowed me to empathize with these students empowered me to do something about it. My junior year of high school I helped found the Youth Advisory Council, a student led organization dedicated to ensuring a great education for anyone who sought one. Over the course of the following year, I spearheaded several campaigns to help reduce the drop-out rate, including providing peer-to-peer counseling services, tutoring students in courses they were struggling in, and working with teachers to accommodate for circumstances that made a normal education impossible. My life was changed by the smiles of those students. I had given them an opportunity and in doing so, I saw my own.

The first time I saw a look of understanding dawn of on the face of a student I was working with, I knew I wanted to teach, and it was for the same reasons that compelled me to want to one day give students a great education that I came to crave one. A great education offers the opportunity to succeed in spite of adversity. College, to me, is my chance to learn unencumbered by my past. I can build on prior knowledge while giving myself a fresh start on life. That's the opportunity I want to give my students: the chance to use the education I give them to be who they want to be, not what circumstance has made them.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "the true beginning of my education" - BROWN supplement [12]

That's what I think you should do. It's not a bad start; it's just not a finished job. There's no need to waste what you already have. Could you guys please look at my Common Application Revision.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "from the Frisbee to the players" - Looking through a window, Williams [7]

I would vary the sentence structure more. "I shift my gaze from the Frisbee to the players as they flit around like flies." Other than that, it's a good essay. Also, a completely unrelated note in your case, but I think someone should write an essay looking in through a window instead of out or make window an abstract concept or metaphor, like the eyes being the windows to the soul. But your essay is a strong traditional one i regards to the window with the topic being something most people don't associate with analytical skills but you pull it off nicely. Could you please read my common app revision.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "a program at a local nursing home" - Common App Short Answer [4]

Elaborate on one of your extra-curricular activities in 150 words or less:The summer after my junior year, I started a program at a local nursing home dedicated to teaching the residents essential computer skills. With my help, residents reconnected with their families after several years with webcams, e-mail, and social networking sites. The program gave one woman the chance to look at her son's artwork for the first time.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / MIT: greatest challenge. my mother leaving; not her husband [6]

This essay was phenomenal and i spotted no grammatical errors. Job well done. The only thing is that there are a few sentences where you have to be careful to make it not sound like you're whining. Please Edit back
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / MIT: greatest challenge. my mother leaving; not her husband [6]

But, having never previously worried myself with such menial house chores, this came as an unpleasant shock.

I get what your TRYING to say, but it could be taken as making a big deal over nothing...it almost sounds...spoiled. The rest of the essay explains your point but, to me, it paints you as unwilling to work.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "a day in the childhood of my father's father" - person from the past Yale [5]

If you could witness one moment in history, what would it be and why?I would spend a day in the childhood of my father's father, who grew up with eight other siblings in Depression-era Mississippi, and who led a life not so different than mine.

If you were choosing students to form a Yale class, what would you ask here that we have not? Who or what do you defer to when you can't find something within yourself and why?
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Princeton Favorite: book, website, recording, inspiration, quote, movie, friend, word [3]

Favorite book: The Great Gatsby
Favorite website: Wikipedia
Favorite recording: "Imagine"
Favorite source of inspiration: Skyler, my first friend
Favorite quotation:Our history is an aggregate of last moments-Gravity's Rainbow
Favorite movie: Of Gods and Generals
Two adjectives friends would use to describe you: reflective, human
Favorite keepsake: my great aunt's memoirs, which detail her and my grandfather's childhood
Favorite word: Be
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "nursing them back to health" - Princeton Summers [3]

The majority of my last two summer's were spent at my mother's and grandfather's bedsides, nursing them back to health. I administered their medication, cooked their meals, cleaned up after them, and most importantly talked to them. Knowing what life without a home is, I dedicated many of my Saturdays volunteering on Habitat for Humanity builds. I also pioneered a program at a local nursing home that helped elderly residents use modern technologies to reconnect with family members who, in many cases lived thousands of miles away. During a few brief days where my responsibilities allowed me some leisure time, I took the opportunity to visit Princeton to decide if it was the place I wanted to spend the next four years of my life.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Bungee Jumping - UC App [3]

A small suggestion: make your countdown different. Talk about the flow of feeling in between each second. Could you please read my latest two posts; they are very, very short.
adam2028   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "with those close to me" - HOW Have you spent the last two summers [3]

For most students, summer conjures images of inviting blue skies, the smell of freshly cut grass, the warm night breeze carrying the scent of honeysuckle in its wake, but these are nothing more that descriptions in the encyclopedia to me. My summers have been filled with long white hallways, dimly lit bedrooms, and the smell of sawdust. My summers warmth came from within.

The majority of my summer's have been spent like those of most other kids my age: with those close to me. But unlike most other children who spent their time exploring woods with their friends or swimming with their neighbors, my time was spent at a bedside, caring for my sick mother and grandfather. It fell to me to cook for them, administer their medications, clean up after them, and keep them comfortable while still supporting myself. Perhaps the best thing I gave them though was a person to talk to The reward for that was great. My mother worked so often that I normally never had more than a shallow dialogue with her, but for during those feverish months we had some of our first intimate conversations. She gave me insight into who my father used to be and how he had become what he was. My grandfather, on the other hand, transfixed me for hours with his stories about running away from Father Flanagan's orphanage at 17 to join up and his adventures that followed.

Having grown up knowing the harshness of going nights without a home, I dedicated my summer Saturdays to volunteering at Habitat for Humanity builds. Over the course of my years volunteering, I've built homes for nurses at St. Jude Children's Hospital, my high school custodian, and a variety of people who dedicate their time to caring for us. I only sought to return the favor.

During this time, I also partnered with a local nursing home to help reconnect residents with their families using modern technology. The gratitude expressed in the lines of those weathered faces was never lost on me. I still get calls from patients and families alike, and to have made such a difference in the life of even one person humbles me.

Among these responsibilities and pursuits I found little time for leisure, but it was in one of these rare spans of free time that I made one of the most important trips of my life. I visited Princeton. As it happened, that day there was a clear blue sky and the aroma of freshly cut grass filled the air: I had found where I wanted to live and learn for the next four years of my life.
adam2028   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "As an undecided major.." - Why Columbia? [3]

I would change "impossible to possible again" by dropping the "again"
"To making my decision" should be change to "in making" or "to make"
Vary the sentence structure more.
Change "Requirements in a myriad.." to "With requirements in a myriad..."
"pressure of my family and friends having expectations of me" sounds redundant
Small thing: "express myself the way I wanted" . Drop the "to" Prepositions at the end of a sentence and what not.

Read over the paper and look at the flow of thought. To me, at places it doesn't seem logical.
You know, call me crazy, but as cheesy as it sounds, I like the ending.
You talk about visiting the city. Don't make it about not getting lost, because even New Yorkers get lost in New York and it sounds trivial. Make it about being a familiar place you are comfortable with.

In the first sentence, change "a" to "the"
The basic ideas of this essay are strong, but I would rewrite it more clearly. At times, I had trouble understanding what you meant due to vague phrasing.

For this to be powerful, it cannot just contain generalities. Get more in depth and stop repeating yourself.
adam2028   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / ""Alex, you're not wearing sweatpants to school." - YALE Supplement [8]

It definitely fits the prompt. When you help me back, you'll see that you can write about literally anything. I saw very few grammatical errors, however, I would expand this in a few places.

Working from the bottom up:

The conclusion feels rushed. It's also kind of general. Show more introspection. Talk more about the idea that your clothes are a reflection of yourself. At times it feels like you are letting your clothes define you. A personal preference: you talk about the ideals behind your mother's rule. Let's be honest: she probably only did it so you wouldn't look sloppy in her opinion. This works, though, and adds a charm to your essay. It allows you to reflect her real reasons and then compare that to what you took from it. That's just my opinion; there's nothing technically wrong or confusing about it. I didn't count the words, but, like i said, it feels like theres room for expansion. You chose a great topic. As a reader, i wanted more, though. Overall, your writing is really good, but you asked for help so those are my suggestions.

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