Undergraduate / Looking on objectively - Common app essay [10]

Hi anyone can help me edit/critique my commonapp essay？ I a little pressed for time here:(
Please be harsh on me , don't console me or try to make me fell better in anyway haha thanks everyone! your help is much appreciated!

Here goes:

Looking on objectively

Through the panelled glass door, I can see that the brawny boy is working hard in the gym, alternating between the chest press, leg press and biceps-training machines, while sneaking occasional glances at the full-length mirror in front of him. You know the way people like to look in the mirror when they work-out, either because they want to see their muscle-toning at work, or because they find themselves too irresistible not to look at. I believe that the teen belongs to the latter. Flexing his muscles, he looks at himself admiringly in the mirror, I can almost imagine him thinking, 'Hmmm I look so damned good.' Okay, maybe not. Sitting outside a crowded gym, I am currently doing my favourite activity: people-watching.

I live to people-watch. I think God intended for me to people-watch. This is because God gave me the perfect physical appearance to people-watch. People-watching is a profound art; it is not easy to master. Firstly, you have to be unobtrusive to the environment; pretending that you are a piece of furniture would help. This reiterates my point of having the God-given perfect physical appearance. I am neither extraordinarily beautiful or ugly, nor extraordinarily tall or short. Hence I can blend in with the crowd if I want to. The last thing you would want is for others to catch you in the middle of observing them - that would be really creepy and awkward. Secondly, the ultimate fun in people-watching is guessing the story behind each person by observing their dressing, mannerism, conversation and last but not least the 'chi' or aura they emit. Have you ever come across a person where you instantly think, 'I could be friends with him/her,' without any obvious reason? Well, the art of people-watching is built on that aspect.

We are constantly observing people, both knowingly and unknowingly. Everyone does that. This is because curiosity is an innate quality. However, we people-watchers try not to be judgmental and critical. By observing the body language and physical appearances, I could learn a lot about the person. Observing someone is like trying to solve a riddle, I would find myself thinking, is he happy /sad? Is he tired? Is he lonely? Is he bored? Taking the boy mentioned above for example, at first glance I may group him as a typical jock, with average grades, and is more developed in the physical department than the intellectual one. But if I would look closer, and then I realise that he is wearing a school shirt that carries the name of a really good school, or the affectionate way he talks to his mum on the phone. I start to think that maybe he is more than what he appears to be; maybe he has developed proportionately both physically and intellectually. This leads me to believe that human beings are complex and they never are truly the way they appear. That is precisely what entices me about people-watching. Observing people is like reading a book with missing pages; we see the world in their eyes, we see what they see, we hear what they hear, and we look where they are looking, and then we feel their story with a little creativity added in.

I think the most fascinating in the world is people. Growing up in a multi-ethnic country like Singapore certainly adds more excitement to everyday life. The odd mixture of many cultures/races blended in this small country just makes me even more interested in people. The many ways different people communicate, behave, walk, react never fail to entertain and intrigued me. How amazing is that no two individuals are the same! Not only do I like to observe people, I love talking to them as well. I love just chatting up random strangers beside me in places such as supermarkets. Talking to them helps me get an even more complete picture of the person, and it feels as if I am getting an answer to the riddle. Everyone has a worthy and inspiring story, and it is up to me to discover. This is the beauty of people-watching.

By observing the world around me, I understand the world and myself alike. Through my many years of people-watching, I have learnt to see myself more objectively. As I have observed others, I observe myself as well; not through my own eyes but through the eyes of outsiders.By seeing myself through other's eyes, I am completely honest with myself. Instead of hiding my flaws and handicaps, I try to embrace them. I am not completely there yet, but I am constantly improving, I am becoming more comfortable with myself and more confident every day.

I believe that the lessons learnt from people-watching will allow me to go far in life. I have learnt a great deal about what life is really like and to respect each person's own way. I am more sensitive to feelings of others around me and I think this is an indispensable skill to acquire in life. I believe that in order to thrive in today's person-centered society-- a society that is designed around the needs of human beings; acquiring a high EQ (emotional quotient) is essential. From people-watching I have also developed a passion for people and interacting with people. I believe that the United States is the best place to cultivate my interest in people as it is a hotspot of people and culture.

People-watching has entertained me and enriched my life. As long as I continue to people-watch, I will never stop learning.

Undergraduate / NYU SUPPLEMENT--BUSINESSWOMAN, GLOBAL CITIZEN, MY GRANDFATHER [6]

Hi people! so deadline is really soon now and i'm still feeling uncomfortable with my NYU supplments, they just doesn't look right. I find it quite hard to come up with something good with the small quota？ Anws can you all please edit/critique for me? fix my sentence structure or grammar

i'm not so good at that. Be as harsh as possible i have strong heart haha!
Thanks in advance.
BTW word limit is 500 characters, and yes i'm within limit.
ps. the 3rd essay seems a little cliche but its all true. I dont want it to sound like a pity story or anything. Any wise advice?

THANK YOU PEOPLE I'M GLAD I FOUND THIS FORUM!
here goes：

Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest.

I have always enjoyed selling things. From handmade accessories to selling my old belongings on eBay, the process (production, packaging, price evaluation, marketing, and finally the sale) is tedious yet satisfying. I know that the businesswoman in me is an intrinsic quality. The NYU Stern Core Business program is exactly what I need; it is the only college that plans and funds overseas trips for all students. I can't wait to experience the dual pleasure of studying in and out of classroom.

NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?

Born in China and raised in Singapore, I hope to continue my global experience by studying in New York. I think of myself as a global citizen, someone who is concerned about global issues and people. Studying in NYU will definitely give me the exposure and adventure I need to become a global citizen.NYU is where I can gain street smarts in addition to book smarts. Moreover, with the international approach of NYU's curriculum, I can experience and achieve what I most desire.

If you had the opportunity to bring any person -- past or present, fictional or nonfictional -- to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person

If I had the chance, I would bring my deceased grandfather to my house in Singapore. The day before his schedule flight from China to Singapore, my grandfather died forma brain haemorrhage. All I have left of him are vague memories, but I want to see him again. I want to show him that our family is healthy and that I'm all grown up now, ready to venture into outside world. I want to tell him that there is nothing for him to worry about, and that he may rest in peace now.

THANK YOU

Undergraduate / "Here's a toast to dear old Penn!" - UPenn supplement [9]

Hi people! This is my final draft of the UPenn supplement essay.
I'm going to submit this soon( like within a few hours) so i need some quick touch ups/ advice
Please be brutally honest with me thanks! Ur help is much appreciated!:)

Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?

"Here's a toast to dear old Penn!"

It was during my research of USA universities that I stumbled upon an article about the University of Pennsylvania. From the article I learnt about UPenn's unique tradition, where students sing "Drink a High Ball," and as the last sentence "Here's a toast to dear old Penn!" is sung, they shower the playing field with flying burnt toast. It was this bordering-on-crazy tradition that showed me another side of UPenn, and I love that side.

Benjamin Franklin, founder of UPenn, thought education should be for the body as well as for the soul--that it should enable a graduate to be a breadwinner as well as a thinker, that it should produce socially conscious citizens as well as conscientious bankers and traders. I couldn't agree more as that is exactly how I want to be after my college education. Not only do I want to be intellectually equipped, I also want to have a fun and meaningful educational experience at UPenn.

I have always been interested in people. I love observing human behaviour as well as different cultures and civilisations. Studying anthropology will be a dream come true for me as I will finally have a chance to learn all about the human diversity. Being one of the top-notch schools in the United States, what UPenn has to offer me as an Anthropology major is unlimited. I hope one day I can intern at the Penn museum of Archaeology and Anthropology, and take part in the many exhibitions to come. I am particularly interested in the upcoming exhibition-Secrets of the Silk Road (history of the western China), because my ancestors were originally from the western China as well. From the research I have done, current UPenn students have stated that while professors at UPenn take their research responsibilities seriously, they are surprisingly accessible .Moreover, large amount of studying materials can be easily found at the UPenn's library, which houses more than 3 million volumes of books. Given the committed teaching faculty and copious resources, I believe that education at UPenn would be enriching and comprehensive. I am keen to join the Undergraduate Anthropology Society as well, where I can socialise and learn from like-minded people.

Benjamin Franklin also believed that service to humanity is "the great aim and end of learning." I truly believe so as well. I have been consistently doing volunteer work over the years in Singapore, and I wish to continue this habit at UPenn. Servicing the people who need help brings about a better society and a better me. Hence, I was thrilled to find out that UPenn offers a wide variety of volunteer opportunities, and I am especially interested in the "Big Brothers, Big Sisters" programme. What the project aims to do - making a difference, is what I've always aspire to do in all of my previous volunteer works. No matter how big or small the contribution is, to make a positive difference in someone else's life is lasting and may change the course of the person's life. Furthermore, I have always been interested in teaching younger children. From teaching troubled teenagers in Singapore to teaching English in Cambodia, the lessons I have learnt from my students are invaluable. Servicing the community is truly is the great aim and end of learning.

What UPenn has to offer is what I have always wanted in a school: strong academics, a robust and bonded student body, and opportunity for me to make a difference. The University of Pennsylvania is just the right place for me.

Undergraduate / "School of Hotel Administration" - My cornell hotel admin essay. [2]

Hi people! I'm applying to cornell, so i'm not sure whether my essay is too light-hearted for a serious school like Cornell.
Also, my word count is 550, can u help me to cut down to 500? My grammar is really bad so i need some help on that as well!

Thanks people！ All kinds of criticism are welcomed:)

School of Hotel Administration:
What work and non-work experiences, academic interests, and career goals influenced your decision to study hospitality management? How will these contribute to your success at the School of Hotel Administration?ps i'm not sure whether i am suppose to write abt how cornell appeals to me( details etc) or how i am perfect for cornell?

I love playing hostess. I love talking to people and making them feel welcomed in my house. Moreover, it is always an interesting process of preparing the house to a more visitor-friendly version.

Whenever friends or relatives are coming over, my family and I will always up the cleanliness standard to a whole new level. From picking up dirty clothes to de-cluttering the house so that the guest can actually see the interior design, it is an arduous task. Not one single detail is to be missed; extra toilet paper is stored in the bathrooms, hand sanitizers are replenished and throw pillows are propped neatly against the sofa. The equally important factor is the food. We will have to come up with a well-balanced dinner menu consisting of a main staple, desserts, drinks and fruits. My mum, who has a knack for cooking for a crowd, will then proceed to spend hours in the kitchen. Of course, for a family with four children, things can spin out of control. As the eldest of the family, I am quite adept at handling special situations, i.e. cleaning up broken bowls and spilled milk. Hence, to prevent such situations from happening, I will have to employ my powers of persuasion and authority to make sure my siblings are always on their best behaviour. I love the feeling of accomplishment upon seeing the house spick and span, ready for the arrival of our guests. This is when I realise that maybe I am cut out to work in the field of hospitality management.

Hospitality management is a very challenging job. The hospitality industry is the world's largest and most dynamic industry. It is very diverse and it ranges from lodging, food, entertainment to customer service. I believe that the management of such an industry requires one to be well-spoken, meticulous as well as the ability to think on his/her feet. Hence, I believe the area of hospitality management is in many ways similar to my experiences of playing host. Firstly, I enjoy the public and entertaining guests, as I am generally an extrovert. I find it essential for one to enjoy his/her job, as this line of work many be demanding and requires impeccable patience with people. Secondly, I feel that people-management skills are fairly crucial in maintaining a strict code of conduct in this industry. This is why I feel that I can relate to this field of work as I have been trained everyday to maintain a certain level of discipline in the house with my younger siblings around. Thirdly, the hospitality industry has a diverse clientele, and sometimes misunderstandings are caused when dealing with overseas clients with cultural differences. Growing in Singapore, a unique multi-ethnic country, I have learnt to interact with people of varying races and cultural backgrounds. This provides me with the necessary experiences in dealing with people from all walks of life.

I look forward to studying at the Cornell School of Hotel Administration. I can't wait to participate in the Hotel Ezra Cornell conference, where I can practice the skills I have learnt in classrooms and showcase them to industry professionals. Cornell University is a pioneer in the world of education, and it offers me the best education I can get in the field of Hospitality Management.

END
hope it did not bore u haha

Undergraduate / Why Chicago (recognizable and different)+ Find x (gratitude, forgiveness, motivation) [3]

Hi people! I am finally done with my U chicago supplements, FINALYYYY!!!:)
Please be harsh with me and give me any quick feedbacks deadline is in 24 hours:(

My why chicago essay:

Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago.

Word limit: one paragraph or two

"Read the SCAV HUNT list, if you roll on the floor laughing then you are a Chicago kid"

Those were the exact words a U Chicago student said when I asked him about the school. Of course, I googled the "SCAV HUNT list" immediately and I was faced with a humongous list of bizarre things. I did not, however, "roll on the floor laughing" as the student puts it explicitly. Instead, I was laughing my head off in my chair. I can't help but marvel at the level of intelligence needed to come up with things so outlandish and odd! A normal person (a sane one) sure can't think of all those ideas, so outwardly crazy and yet somewhat plausible. In a world filled with students from the same cookie-cutter educational system, a Chicago student is so delightfully recognizable and different. It was then that I made up my mind that I wanted to go to University of Chicago.

Robert Maynard Hutchins, who led Chicago from1929 to 1951, once said "Having fun is a form of intelligence." In my point of view, the SCAV HUNT is the epitome of that phrase. It takes a common idea of scavenger hunt and totally transforms it into such a spectacular version. The students have fun not in typical ways such as partying, but in a creative and unconventional way that sets University of Chicago apart. This reflects a lot about the school. I can see that the students are intellectuals; they think outside of the box and are never constrained by what the society deems normal. No doubt, U Chicago is a school known for hardworking and intelligent people, but it is also a school for people who know how to find joy in learning itself. This is what I want to do - learning just for learning's sake, adding a bit of creativity, and enjoying a college education unlike any other. I want to be part of a community so unique and special. I want to become an outstanding individual that is not bounded by the norm. I want to be a Chicago Kid.

My FIND X essay:

Today is New Year's Eve. As cliché as it may sound, I am doing up my New Year resolutions. I have all the typical things you can find in a New Year resolution: A new look, get into college, get in shape etc .However, the list just doesn't seem right. Something is definitely missing, and I can't put my finger on it. This is a New Year's Eve mystery. I am determined to find the missing item on my list, so let's called it X.

To successfully find X, I certainly can't go about investigating it aimlessly. To help solve this mystery is a list of suspects:

1) A heart of gratitude
I almost forgot about this. It is something that everyone assumes that they have, but in actuality not many people are thankful. This year, I was unfortunately one of them. To me, the cup seemed to be always half empty. Negative feelings such as anger and sadness tend to form a barrier around my heart of gratitude. I tend to take what I have for granted, and there are times where I feel like the universe revolves around me and the self-centred part of me surfaces. There are so many aspects in life to be thankful for. I could thank the sun for shining bright everyday; I could thank the air for being refreshing; and I could thank my mum for cooking me breakfast every day. If I could just take a moment and think about what the world has done for me, I will realise that my world has suddenly taken on a brighter colour and I feel like a happier person already. The cup is now half-filled.

2) Forgiveness
As the old saying goes, "Past is History, Future is a Mystery and Today is Gift and hence it is called the Present". Live the moment and not dwell in the past mistakes and hatred. Learning to forgive myself and forgive others is a difficult thing to do. Hatred is the kind of memory that stays the longest, because the trauma it created in the first place is so deep-rooted. Learning to forgive is what I should have done ages ago: whether it be learning to forgive a friend who had said hurtful words in the heat of an argument, or learning to forgive myself for underperforming in a major examination. Only when there is true forgiveness can I progress and move on.

3)Motivation
What is my goal in life? Last year it was acing my A level examinations, but what about this year? Every year I am faced with the same quest of finding my identity and my goal. Every year there is a different aim, usually a short term one. Despite these goals, I had difficulty actually achieving them. That is, until something finally struck a chord in me: What I need is motivation. Motivation is a form of adrenaline rush; it is something that drives me to wake up every day - and not because I've had enough sleep, but because I have something to look forward to. Motivation is an emotion; it is unpredictable. It can materialize into the thirst for knowledge, or it can take the form of desire for something. Motivation is a pre-requisite in life. Life will be meaningless without motivation.

So what is X? What is the missing element from my New Year resolution?
Maybe nothing is missing. Maybe X was simply that I needed this time to reflect on myself - and maybe I just solved the New Year's Eve mystery.

ps i want to know if my find x essay is too cliche? i think a lot of people actually use this to reflect on themselves as well?

THANK YOU FOR UR HELP

Undergraduate / "A service trip to Cambodia" - U OF MICHIGAN SHORT QN - Community [4]

Hi people deadline is today.
I just need some quick response on my answer because i'm not sure whther i'm interpreting this question correctly.
Thanks! i'll edit ur essay back for sure

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

By definition, a community is a group of people with a common identity. I have always struggled to find my identity in life. I have many identities- a student, a daughter, a musician, an artist and so on. The only problem is that none of them sums up who I am perfectly.

It was during a community service trip to Cambodia when I finally found a strong sense of belonging. The children there lived in dilapidated houses, and the mission of the trip was to help rebuild their school and to teach English to them. Through teaching and interacting with the children, I was immediately entranced by the air of optimism around them. All of them had a clear and common goal - to break out of the poverty cycle by studying hard. They were very eager to learn, and my favourite moment of the day was to ask a question in class and I would see many earnest hands raised up. They were happy with their present state of life, but they wanted to experience much more than what fate would have intended for them. They have motivation in their life. This is when I feel that I belong with them. I belong to a community driven by motivation and aspirations. In this community, I can be of any societal standing and wealth, I belong because I crave for more and believe that I can achieve what I want as long as I try.

END

Undergraduate / Why michigan- Ross business school. [3]

Hi this is dued today i need opinions on this essay thanks so much i will help you back!

Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words max)

I have always enjoyed selling things. From handmade accessories to selling my old belongings on eBay, the process (production, packaging, price evaluation, marketing, and finally the sale) is tedious yet satisfying. I know that the businesswoman in me is an intrinsic quality. This is why I want to propel my interest in business to a successful career in future, by majoring in Business. As a businessman himself, my dad was predictably thrilled with my decision. He handed me a list of prestigious business schools in USA and it was the first time I came in touch with the Stephen M. Ross School of Business. As I further my research on the school I was amazed at how the school seems to be a perfect match for me - a personalized education with a large and diverse student body.

As a person with a creative mindset and outgoing personality, I like to explore outside my comfort zone and gain new insights. Hence I am especially intrigued by the Undergraduate Research Opportunities Program, where I will have a chance to conduct research outside of classroom along with other students and a faculty member. I hope to participate in this program during my freshman year to broaden my horizons and hone my people meeting skills, because business is essentially about interacting with people.

Off campus opportunities also abound at U-M. I believe that to be able to apply what I learn in classrooms to real life situations is the greater aim of learning, this is why I was elated when I found out about the Michigan Interactive Investment (MII). As a member of MII, I will have a real world investing experience through education and hands-on portfolio management. Participating in MII will definitely enhance my business knowledge and enrich my college experience.

Since grade eighth in Singapore, I have been consistently doing community service, often children related. I have since developed a knack with interacting with children, and I hope to volunteer at Mott's Children Hospital to apply my area of expertise for a useful purpose. I also dream that in time to come I will be qualified enough to volunteer as a mentor in the MREACH program, where I will able to impart what I have learnt in Ross to high school students. It will truly be an extremely meaningful experience.

U-M is also remarkably diverse for a state university. This part of U-M appealed to me particularly because I enjoy the company of people of many different culture and heritages. This is mostly because I grew up in Singapore, who is known for her multi-ethnicity, and I am comfortable to communicate with different people. I am confident that I will fit right in at U-M and Ross Business School.

I strongly believe that to have a holistic college education, academics is just part and parcel of it. What Ross has to offer is not only top-notch academics, but also boundless opportunities and possibilities for me to enrich my college experience.

END

Undergraduate / Why Emory college? It is adventurous just like me. [5]

Hi please help me with this thanks! i'll help back!:)

1. Many students decide to apply to Emory College based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons for making Emory College a possible college choice, why is Emory College a particularly good match for you?

Why Emory college? I find myself asking this question as I was finalising my list of colleges. It hit me that perhaps Emory and I are in many ways similar.

Emory is adventurous just like me. I like to reach out of my comfort zone and explore new things. Emory's CIPA (Centre for international programmes abroad) offer abroad study opportunities in over 100 locations across the globe, it is the epitome of being adventurous.

Emory embraces diversity just like me. At Emory College, there are supports for every category of people - people with disabilities, people with varying sexual preferences, and people of differing cultural background or political perspectives. I am comfortable around people different from me and I always look forward to broadening my horizons by interacting with them.

Emory is sociable and outgoing just like me. At Emory College, there is an atmosphere of friendliness and southern hospitality. Freshmen at the college are warmly welcomed to the college by the FAME programme (freshmen advising and mentoring at Emory), this make sure that I will have a smooth and less awkward transition from high school. The social scene is also vibrant and extensive: with a strong Greek system, events organised by the Student Programming Committee and the much raved Dooley's week. I can foresee myself enjoying the weekends with a group of fun-loving people, and fulfilling my college goal - work hard and play hard.

Like attracts like. Emory and I are so very much alike and the sense of belonging I have with Emory is undeniable. Emory is the perfect match for me.

Undergraduate / "liberal arts intensive education" - Why oxford college [2]

Critique my essay please i will help you back!:)

2. Describe your specific interest in beginning your Emory career at Oxford College and how you think our liberal arts intensive education is a good match for you.

I believe that the freshmen and sophomore year in college are essential building blocks for a successful college education. Oxford College's liberal arts intensive education will better prepare me for a more specialised junior and senior year in Goizueta Business School.

According to my research, the Oxford College curriculum integrates leadership and community service, preparing students to be life-long learners and socially responsible citizens. I wish to join the Leadership Certificate Program, where I will have a chance to learn how to be a leader and make a positive difference in school as well as in the community. Furthermore, classes at Oxford often involve collaborative learning and team projects, which is not common in other colleges. The skills I will learn at Oxford College are unique to the school; they will be essential and useful for life. Only at Oxford can I attain the academic maturity and leadership experience I need to fulfil my dream of becoming a Businesswoman.

I particularly like the small community of Oxford College. A smaller community feels more like home: students are bonded and I like the feeling of having everyone as friends and working towards a common goal. Moreover, a small faculty-to-student ratio will ensure a more personalised and higher quality education. I will have the undivided attention of my teachers and professors, and thus making full use of the College resources.

What Oxford College has to offer is what I have always wanted in a college: a top-notch yet exclusive education, a tightly-knitted student body and a chance to make a difference.