Undergraduate / ""Alex, you're not wearing sweatpants to school." - YALE Supplement [8]

I like your analogy :) my mom is almost the same way

Maybe a stronger ending sentence? It seems your final statement was about your mom being right about the pants, and the symbolism gets lost. I try to make my final statement the one leaving them think "we want her!" - maybe state that you understand the significance of your appearance affecting yourself and the way others view you - rather than just stating you understand the significance in choosing pants.

Undergraduate / "shocked as I list Stanford" - intellectual freedom make it a good place for me. [5]

I am one of the few students who stands out as an "overachievers "

I really like your essay. Strong ending ( and congrats on an early grad)

Undergraduate / "The agricultural leadership" - STANFORD-intellectual vitality-beef production [7]

Thank you both so much. I thought some wording was weird - but I've read it so many times I couldn't figure out how to improve it and still use 250 words. I will check out your essays now

Undergraduate / DOUBLE MAJOR ART AND BUSINESS--U of M [3]

Many drill bits, rolls of fabric, and honed mechanical skills since then, I have embarked on artistic endeavors that allow me to confidently say that I am ready to major in art.

(I don't quite understand the beginning of this sentence, and how it links to what you are saying)

dual degree program caught my eye and sparked my interests as

uncle built a chain

an Michigan-made glove

but I wished I did

love your essay, hope these suggestions help - and your beginning "when you know, you know" was pretty much how I felt about Stanford. I laughed when I read it because thats pretty much exactly how I was going to start mine- only talking about friendship instead of love- good luck!!

Undergraduate / Bowdoin Essay - "the calm before the brainstorm" - intellectually engaging [4]

I really like your quote. It shows you are serious about learning but you still have a personality!!

And some pages, well some pages

Don't start with "and" - and although I could easily see someone talking this way in a speech, I dont think this particular sentence structure is good in an essay -

Hope that helped

Undergraduate / Economics and public policy (China's One Child Policy) - supplement essay [6]

same, regardless
it is essentially a car in the left lane trying to merge right
force itself ontointo the right

I really like your analogy - hope these suggestions help - please review mine too

Undergraduate / "The agricultural leadership" - STANFORD-intellectual vitality-beef production [7]

OK Here is the revised esay - I'm not sure if I post here or new thread since I just started using this website- but here it goes:

There is nothing wrong with being "born in a barn." In fact, that's pretty high-tech nowadays. This was proven during an agricultural leadership conference which involved a tour of a successful ranch. While the majority of my peers were drawn to the calves playing in corrals, I was drawn to the microscope in the far corner of the barn. I walked towards the table, leaned down to the lens, and squinted. Suddenly, the ranch manager appeared and stated that I was looking at a new embryo transplant from the best cow on the farm. That moment sparked my most enthralling research.

The embryos from the champion cow were intended to be placed in other animals in order to enhance the herd and attract more buyers to the genetics. This new technique has been crucial for increasing profit and improving beef quality in the industry. I was immediately intrigued by this practice, and I began researching the connections between science and agribusiness. I was fascinated by genetic engineering and constantly read current events involving the subject.

Just as the ranchers had taken their business into their own hands, I had taken my learning into mine. I enhanced my learning by acting upon an interest and researching information outside of a set school curriculum, simply because I wanted to learn more. I have come to realize that I am only as educated as I strive to be, and only I have the power to pursue my own passion of learning.

Undergraduate / "an expert at housekeeping" - Dear my roommate - Stanford supp [3]

Dear my roommate
so here are my good's and bads..here are my good's (<---- not trying to be mean, but this is a weak sentence)

just start with what you want to say
I have lived apartwithfrom my parents for five years, I becameso I have become an expert at housekeeping.
Leave all the room maintenance onto me!
listening to everything from heavy
Korean, let uswe can
in every possible way. And I want , and I want
to say that I don't know the American culture.
macaronis & cheese

I like it a lot - it makes you sound fun and willing to learn
hope my suggestions help - good luck! - I am working on that essay now- hope we both get in :)

Undergraduate / "Moving from a closely-knit neighborhood in India to America" - Common App [4]

my feet were shuffling, unwilling to move forward
this contradicts itself - "shuffling" is moving forward in a way
sounds good so far... has it impacted your view on life? the way you view a new culture or challenge?
hope this helps a little bit, and i like your intro - it definitely makes the reader want to keep going

Undergraduate / Imagination, Creativity, and Freedom -- Why Stanford Essay [9]

overall, good idea. Im working on this essay now also. Try to stick with the most applicable reason why Stanford is the place for you. try not to venture off complimenting them. they know they are good - but how will YOU be good there. Thats what Im trying to think of as I write, anyway. Well you have a great start, hope I helped

Undergraduate / "one of these stars I saw that night" - Why Columbia? [8]

The tiny dots in the dark sky that twinkle, and shine brightly - what are they? I look up to the stars and often imagine myself reaching out and capturingto capture one in my hands like a firefly. Each falling star is an opportunity to make a wish come true. So whatand if all the stars fell and landedto land on earth, how beautiful would the sight beit would be a beautiful sight . The night ofOne Christmas Eve I sit in the car, a bridge away from New York City and I see it, as I sat in the car overlooking New York City, I saw it : stars on earth. As I gazed upon the lights of the glowing buildings glow and I see, I saw a city of opportunity to makewhich could make my dreams come true.

I hope this helps- I tried to cut down on words - nice idea :)

Undergraduate / "COWBOY BOOTS" - STANFORD - ROOMMATE LETTER [6]

Thank you for the critiques- this prompt is difficult for me - I have been torn between creating an eloquent piece of writing and actually addressing a potential roommate in a realistic way- no offense taken by "harsh" critiques :) -- and looking back at this, I guess I come off as a bubbly hick... which was not my intention.

Undergraduate / There's no place like homelessness--Yale Supplement [29]

I came to enjoy (just a tiny typo) ...well thats the only imperfection I see - great job - I wish I could redo my essay now :p

You are set!!! - love the closing statement

Undergraduate / There's no place like homelessness--Yale Supplement [29]

Over time, it became easier to let go of needless possessions and I came to enjoy giving my belongings awaylast paragraph

began to realize how lucky I was. I was only homeless for a night, when others are homeless for their entire lives. second paragraph

and the tense thing is actually ok. i think i just read it too fast. but these are teeny tiny critiques - your essay is practically perfect!!!

Undergraduate / "COWBOY BOOTS" - STANFORD - ROOMMATE LETTER [6]

thanks - and unfortunately not from the south :( - I'm a california girl that goes to school literally on a beach - i have just shown cows through FFA / 4H for over 9 years - and I'm trying to play it up as a "cowgirl" since thats the only "unique"/ "diverse" quality I think can help me stand out

i will check out your essay now

Undergraduate / "I was expecting another dull admissions video" - Why I want to go to yale [14]

When I typed " Yale" into Youtube, I was expecting another dull admissions video. Instead, I found a intriguing? interesting? fancy-word to show off vocab here :)musical number. The life and vibrancy of the school delighted me; Yalies truly love Yale. A place that has music instead of speeches, and freedom instead of facts, is definitely/surely ? the place for me. First impressions matter -- and Yale left a lasting one

I hope this helps

Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]


i feel the same way-- however, using this website really helped me to improve my (sadly postponed last-minute) essays and turned them into something great. its still your own writing- ppl just make comments to help guide you in a direction you might overlook at first, bring you back to the prompt, or simply correct a grammar error you missed due to reading it yourself too much

Essays / Comparison essay: conflict in "Cages" vs "Two Kinds" and David Cooperfield vs great expectation [5]

are you comparing the novels? or the characters? - think about the style, theme, author, etc. if you know the theme/"moral" of ea book it might be easier to generate a thesis- hope this helps a little- I've only read G.E. not D.C.

Undergraduate / "human body and its intricate" - Columbia Why I want to come to this University [2]

Whenever I am asked: "So, what colleges are you applying to?" I think back to the conversation my grandfather and I often had had.and what he would always tell me. "I believe you will find the cure to cancer", he stated?said?etc?and I would respond in a resounding "Yes sir, I will" . My grandfather has stomach cancer, and he has been the main focus behind my college choices. Although his vision for me may be outlandish at the moment, he gave me plenty to think about;for enhancing my my future. Although the colleges I have applied to may vary, I know what I want to become, a physicianthat I desire to become a physician . Since childhood, I have been planning around this career, playing with my Barbies as though they were my patients and I wasthereyou want to use "their" 'healer'. The human body and its intricate details and functions fascinates me. I love the fact that we are all made up of one complex entity.

I knew that searching for colleges takes time, organization, and effort. As I started my journey on selecting a college that would best fit my personal needs, I was astonished to find that Columbia University fit my criteria perfectly. Through research and reviews about this university, I came to realizatione that the opportunities Columbia gives are endless. I did not dwell on the fact that Columbia is the third most selective college in the United States or that it is an Ivy League, because those things did not attract me to the school -- although it is an extra bonus. What captivated my attention was the fact that Columbia allows its students to have a mind of their own. To grow within their own rights and experience the World not capitalized for themselves. Coming from a Hispanic background, my knowledge onf other cultures is limited,either put a conjunction here or change to semicolon I yearn for the taste of other cultures. Columbia will allow me to have diversity right at my fingertips. Becoming a physician is strenuous, but I am positive that with andthe education the University of Columbia can give is unlike any I could ever dream of receiving. Columbia will allow me to leave my mark on this World no cap. while taking on any challenges that may come my way. Columbia will give me the chance to take my life and let it be used to empower and improve others through the four years spent at your academy.

overall very nice - check out mine? scroll to bottom please to final current draft

Undergraduate / "research and innovation + commitment to the community" - WHY STANFORD? [4]

. I want to be among students who are excited to learn from each other and have a college experience that is academically unparalleled, and filled with opportunities on a global scale.run-on? you want to have a col. exp. that is unparalleled and filled with opportunity - but it sounds like you are saying you want to be among students who have that, and then tack on the ending- change comma placement .try...to learn from each other and I want to have a college experience that is academically unparalleled and filled with opportunities on a global scale

overall very nice- please check mine too :) - scroll to bottom of thread for final draft

Undergraduate / "I was considered an introvert" - Standford, Write a letter to your future roommate [2]

You see, I come

very nice overall, and i know the feeling - I'm cramming stanford essays/editing now on little sleep