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Posts by amjeezy
Joined: Dec 31, 2010
Last Post: Jan 1, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 17  
From: USA

Displayed posts: 22
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amjeezy   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "uh oh cliche! the actions of President Woodrow Wilson" - princeton essay [5]

okay so i am writing about an influential person to me and i decided...woodrow wilson i know iknow, but i really did pick him because i admire his idealism and those ideals represent what i value. so this is what i wrote please give me your critique and ty!

Question: Tell us about a person who has influenced you in a significant way.

Avoiding all cliché of my selected individual, I truly do admire the actions of President Woodrow Wilson. During his term as president, he had always acted in the utmost vigor to do what he thought was virtuous. Many had named his reactions to be idealist, in a negative connotation, but although I also view him as idealist, his idealism is what I try to model myself after.

During the Mexican Civil War, many historians have argued throughout time, that our involvement during that era in history, was highly unnecessary but, they do not understand Wilson's point of view. His purpose in intervening was not to seize new territories, or cause intentional harm to the people of Mexico, but it was to help them. In Wilson's point of view, Huerta did not deserve to rule so harshly over the people and was illegitimate. That is why he had intervened in Mexico; it was to create stability in a nation that was torn apart into factions against each other. Wilson did not see the Mexicans as unworthy of their help because they did not have much to offer due to the chaos. He wanted to help because they were fellow human beings and that they needed it. His selflessness shone as He did not view the situation as what Mexico could do for America but what America could do for Mexico. Although, his intervention was unsuccessful and was not popular in the U.S. or Mexico, just his will to solidify his determination in the face of outstanding opposition is an aspect .

In terms of American participation of World War 1, his commitment to his duty was what shone the most in this dark time. During his first presidential term, he was able to keep neutral from the war but what had caused him to realize that war was necessary was the threat his country was facing. Germany was conducting unrestricted submarine warfare, and had even sunk the cruise ship, Lusitania. This violation against the world and to U.S. commerce and the livelihood of his people was what made him realize there was no other option but to go to war. Wilson despised the idea of going to war but he knew that if this threat was not stopped it would be harmful to every nation, so he declared war in sorrow. He understands when he must set aside his own beliefs for the greater need of the people and this loyalty and selflessness inspire me.

Shortly after a year at war, Germany surrendered and during the Versailles meeting in France, and Wilson did not even hold grudges against Germany as a state. He pleaded that those heading the government should be punished, but by overwhelming Germany with reparation debts and seizing part of their land, they would be punishing the innocent bystanders. Even as the head of an entire nation, Wilson considers the every man.

It is his commitment to selflessness, conviction, tolerance, and his ability to forgive and think rationally that makes him my role model. His entire presidency is riddled with good intentions and a strong heart. He is truly a man of virtue and someone I try to model myself after.
amjeezy   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "always had a penchant for math" -Transfer Essay: Reasons/Objectives for transferring [2]

if u r looking to decrease the size i suggest, removing unnecessary adjectives, adverbs, anything that i just sort off fluff to your essay but one thing you need to remember is make sure that the things you remove really are unnecessary because honestly it shood interfere with the flow of the narrative of your essay
amjeezy   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "involved in agriculture; interested in business programs" - Why STANFORD [5]

after your revision i find it perfect! it is quick straight to the point, but not pushy. it reflects a love for the school. the only thing i guess i would comment if anything at all is that i woodnt start with i just looked at the school and thought this is it. make it sort of sound like you were skeptical of the school and be more specific if you can on why you love it.
amjeezy   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / UVA: My Dreams - Discuss your favorite place to get lost. [2]

really nice essay. i would not change much except instead of "i wake up with hope that it will become reality" i would make it sound more determined. like you wake up inspired to make them a reality. because when you say "hope" it sounds like you wont do anything about it but your gonna wish it happens
amjeezy   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "my first-degree black belt" - MIT -- Most significant challenge [4]

LOOL nike...just do it hahaha. anyway really well written essay. it is amazing seeing how you grew from being unsure, to being confident. the only part i would change would be just do it because it makes you seem more careless. if you could make it more sophisticated in a sense i would "do it " xP
amjeezy   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / IM TAKING HOMER SIMPSON TO CONGRESS (opportunity to bring any person) [2]

so this is for the NYU application and it asks:

If you had the opportunity to bring any person -- past or present, fictional or nonfictional -- to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person.

I would bring Homer Simpson to Congress. I suppose it would a bit hectic, but perhaps his hijinks could show all our representatives that although, there is a virtue in being professional, we are all human and that they could all have an outburst of laughter together as a homogeneous legislative body rather than an outburst of anger and instigation that divides the government.
amjeezy   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / James my barber (determination and courage essay) [3]

James did it all but never stopped cutting.
An individual that has truly influenced me is, as unconventional as it seems, my barber, James, who spends no more than thirty minutes cutting my hair at a time. Although he is my barber, I think of him more as a mentor, and it may seem unusual to have a barber be your mentor but I suppose who we choose as our mentors in life is up to destiny.

What makes him truly significant is that, he does not force suggestions onto me nor does he just lightly advise me. He gives me the freedom and independence to make my own decisions, but at the same time he acts as my guide. When stumbling through the forest of countless decisions we make each day, He will act as a Little Dipper or North Star; that does not show the path but points me in the right direction.

We are faced with challenges that drain the energy of our bodies and minds, and more often than not, we imagine our lives if we chose the easier path in the forest. When talking to James, I explain these issues, whether it be the Band concert, or the labs due in a few days, or the events my clubs are planning, or even the community project that I need to help finish. He understands the weight of the predicament and has always talked softly but with such meaning in his words, he may as well be giving a presidential speech. He will say, "Well listen! You have lasted this long so it shouldn't be a problem for you of all people. You made a commitment to them and, more importantly, yourself. Now you know I would never let you down, so don't let me down by letting yourself down. You're a bright kid and I can't tell you things will get easier from because they won't. they will definitely get harder but the question here is, will you stick with it until the end despite it all, or take the easy way out?". Even after the fact, his words echo through my mind to this day. His words are what have strengthened me over the years and made me so enduring.

Determination and Courage are two different virtues that can open a multitude of opportunities for our future; whether we act on them, or not, is a different matter. I've learned that these two virtues can determine the course of our lives, and that whether we reach our full potential, or not, is determined by them. When making the everyday decisions of life, we are always tempted to take the easy way out, even though we know it may not benefit us. When exercising determination, we are inspired to reach our goals and renew our conviction, and while realizing courage, we do not fear the obstacles that lie ahead but embrace them. The combination of these two, guide us to the path that we know we must take to better ourselves, and that we know is right. Although, James is not with us anymore, I still see the Little Dipper he left for me in that forest.
amjeezy   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I want to be a Wildcat; I want to go to Northwestern." - Why Northwestern [14]

i would really advise taking off the part is says even though it is in the middle of the desert part and putting something because like "even though it is not in the big ten" it makes it sound like it does not need to be widely recognized to be the best school!...but its in the middle of the desert doesnt tell me anything
amjeezy   
Jan 1, 2011
Essays / Help on inclass essay (my future career goals) [8]

make it a narrative. tell your goal through your story by giving a background. for example, i want to be a doctor, and i would start off the story about mein my home country of sudan, and how i witnessed the dedication doctors have put into their work and to save their fellow man. that i want to become this doctor, because it is a noble profession. and i would elaborate on that
amjeezy   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "Swim Team's swimming pool" - University of Michigan Community Essay [3]

umm 1 thing i have found really attracts attention is if you make it more of a narrative. keep all the discussion there but show how you joined them, how you felt the firsst time with the group, how you've become a prt of the group and how the group accepted you. that kind a thing. make it a story about a kid who aspires to become a member of the swim team and finds his home there
amjeezy   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / I was Suspended and spent a day in ISS: CommonApp [5]

I enjoyed the essay, but it really does seem like you are trying to explain and make up for a blemish on your record. in my opinion, advertise yourself more. i mean i understand you made a mistake, but talk about how you grew from it. talk about how you learned from it. make me feel like this individual has made a mistake but they have grown so much now i do not even mind anymore. there is no word limit so use that to your advantage
amjeezy   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / NYU Supplement- Academic, Global University, Person [4]

now i may understand your severe interest in william shakespeare but you are also allowed to use less cliched people look at this: remember these are written by the students in NYU, nyulocal.com/on-campus/2010/12/06/the-right-answers-to-nyus-common-app-supplement/
amjeezy   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / My mom's lungs were about to get fried, Chemistry class (John Hopkins) [5]

okay so this is johns hopkins supplement

Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this application, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experience influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)

here is my response:

Waking up groggy and dizzy on a Saturday morning, I sat up on my bed for a second to establish myself as awake and proceeded to walk to the bathroom. When I got there I found my mom in the bathroom cleaning the toilet. I was about to head downstairs, when my eyes opened wide as I glanced at my mom who was about to pour some bleach in the toilet after adding the toilet bowl cleaner. I ran to her and grabbed the Bleach, in the nick of time. She yelled at me for acting so strange and demanded I explain myself. I told her that she was about to mix together to chemicals that could damage her lungs. I learned through my studies in Chemistry class that bleach contains sodium hypochlorite, and that Toilet cleaners typically contain hydrochloric acid. When mixed these chemicals create an extremely strong Chloramine gas. This gas is so potent and damaging, it is heavily used in mustard gas. Hearing this, my mom apologized for being angry and thanked me for being a caring son.

It is the extreme versatility and usefulness of Chemistry in everyday life that makes it so appealing. As I look around the world we live in, it becomes clearly apparent the prominent role chemistry plays; from the pasteurization of milk, to the analysis of meteorite material, to the newly created Hadron collider. This role it plays is why Chemistry is definitely a major, I will study in college
amjeezy   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "I play Classical music on the piano" - MIT - What do you do for the pleasure of it? [7]

you seem to have to different ways of saying the samething. 1 that sounds more sophisticated and another sounding more relatable through his language. i would suggest combing them, in a way that the language is still relatble but using sophisticated diction in certain spots that demonstrate your knowledge
amjeezy   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / there is no "short-cuts" in our life - Strong determination - MIT [13]

for the first response, when your write " For me, exam is a platform to determine how much I know" i think you should make it sound less like a cliche a teacher would say. try to sound a bit more original by changinging up the diction and syntax
amjeezy   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / (spend money wisely) + (small village diversity) +(friend from school) NYU Supplement [13]

I really enjoyed your short replies! they are ready to send in my opinion however for the last question you are allowed to be creative.

I wrote mine on taking homer simpson to congress. look at these replies and supplement responses given by people who have gotten into NYU.

nyulocal.com/on-campus/2010/12/06/the-right-answers-to-nyus-common-app-supplement/
amjeezy   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / ookay okay, i was spitting some raps in my theory o knowledge class. W&M supplement [3]

They never believed anybody as introverted as I am could be capable of anything like it.
I was in front of my IB Theory of Knowledge class rapping and it was meaningful.
Their mouths hung open, and their eyes popped in a mixture of surprise and delight.
I started with sweaty hands and a foot that could not stop bouncing softly on the floor. The first words were a mix of rushed nervous tension and a stuttering tongue. I am not sure when, but at some point the connection was made between me and the class. This bond gripped us throughout the entire performance. As our souls interacted through my presentation, I swallowed my fears, and eventually my nervousness seemed to take a back seat to my growing confidence and passion I had in my presentation. I was hovering between earth and a plane of existence that captured the essence of my lyrics and soul.

I focused on the theme of perseverance and determination and had created a constant reference to empires and conquests. I projected ourselves as young Napoleons at the crossroads of our lives. I referenced the hardships we face; whether it is the extended essay, our internal assessments, our community projects, or even the stress we may feel at home and made sure they were presented elegantly. I introduce our common flaws, and encouraged the class to win over them. We all had the same feeling, as you could see from the expressions in our eyes. I finally ended it with lyrics that sum up where we are right now in our lives:

"My heart remains tranquil at a standstill
We are all kings but the question is
Will we rule kingdoms or sand castles?"

After I was done, silence boomed throughout the classroom for a strong moment, until the first clap tipped the domino set into a thunderous applause. It was more than a rap, or a presentation about the emotion brought from realizing perseverance, or a spontaneous chance to do something different. It was a unifying anthem that collected the dreams of everyone as a class, and reminded us just how possible they are. This is what we gained from the presentation and that was what united us. More often than not, we are faced with obstacles that seem immovable, but we cannot forget the rewards and goals that lie beyond them. These are what escalate and define our determination and what makes these, immovable, objects light as a feather. Determination and endurance are both virtues I live by that help define me as a person.
amjeezy   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / Shared Paradise - Wake Forest essay [2]

WONDERFUL! it was really vivid. i think you really well demonstrated your thought process and what you cherish. you also demonstrate how ready your are by writing , New beginning, life, and possibilities.

Similarly, each incoming freshman can only ponder their four year journey as they begin their Wake Forest education.- for this quote i would switch it up to make it seem less like they don't know what they will be doing and less lost. like maybe by starting it off like, "as much as we prepare,..."

The Swiss mountains off in the distance symbolize that one particularly challenging class each student will inevitably take, but shows promises of serenity once you make it through the storm. - i would switch the storm in that sentence to a scenery more related to the mountain you were talking about
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