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Posts by EF_Team2
Joined: Mar 1, 2006
Last Post: Apr 22, 2008
Threads: 1
Posts: 1703  
From: United States of America

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EF_Team2   
Mar 9, 2006
Essays / Tips to Write Successful College Essays and Term Papers [NEW]

Getting through college requires a lot of work - not only is there always a lot of reading to do, but it seems that every professor wants at least one paper per course. How can the busy college student do it all? Well, in my years of experience as both a student and a teacher, I have come up with some tips that should both save time and give you a good grade, to boot!

1. Plan Ahead.Make sure that you have set aside enough time to complete the assignment. Now, knowing how much time to set aside comes with experience, but for beginning students, assume that you will spend at least several hours researching for the paper, compiling the information, planning it out, and actually writing. You will also need to allow time for revision and rewrites. For information that is difficult to find, you may actually need to order materials, such as specific journal articles, which require several weeks' advance notice. Do not expect to do well on a paper that is put together at the last minute, because believe me, the professor will be able to tell. Not only will you lack good quality materials, but also you won't have the time to polish it and make it your best work. The best time management plan for beginning writers is to start researching several weeks before a paper is due (depending on the level of difficulty and amount of information and sources required) and leave at least a week to write and revise.

2. Use an Outline. Many students make the mistake of writing papers without a clear idea of how it will be organized. The outline needn't be perfect, and in fact, you will probably tweak it along the way as you begin writing. You may find that a point you had planned to discuss in a certain part of the paper fits better somewhere else. But at least begin with a framework from which to build. It will help keep you on track as you begin putting all your information together.

3. Use the Resources at Your University. These include your professor, the library and librarians, and a university writing center. A lot of students think that they are just out there to "sink or swim" but most professors would tell you that they only wish their students would come to them with questions or clarifications. When I was teaching, I made myself available as much as possible to my students but they usually didn't come to me. When they did poorly on an assignment, it was often because they didn't do the assignment correctly. A good idea would be to write your outline well in advance, and then run it by your professor to see if you are on the right track. He or she would probably be more than happy to help you. Furthermore, your university librarians are excellent sources that are often underutilized. They are trained to find information - they know the best databases, journal source possibilities, Internet search engines, etc. Ask them to help you at least get started. They are usually more than happy to help. Finally, seek writing help if necessary, at your university's writing center. Again, this is an underutilized resource. They are there to help you with everything from proper grammar and punctuation to style and flow of your work. They can't rewrite it for you, but can teach you what good writing looks like and how to transform your ideas into such writing.

4. Don't Forget What you Learned in High School! I have been shocked in my teaching experience to find students that seem to have forgotten how to write a paper, and by this I mean the basics. These are:

Your paper should include an introduction, a body and a conclusion.

Each paragraph should begin with a topic sentence and the rest of the sentences should provide further information to either support or clarify that topic sentence.

5. Don't Plagiarize! Even fifth graders know to cite their sources, so don't expect to breeze through college copying someone else's work. Professors know, and even if they can't tell themselves, there is sophisticated software out there that detects plagiarized information. Most schools have an academic integrity policy that provides for severe punishment, if not outright expulsion for plagiarism. Just don't do it! If you are unclear about how to cite information taken from other sources, ask! There are many citation style guides available on the Internet. If your professor didn't tell you, ask which citation style you should use for your research essay or term paper and do it to the letter!

6. Follow the Professor's Instructions.I saved the easiest, and most obvious one for last. But it never ceased to amaze me how many of my students would lose points (and often a lot of points) simply for not following the directions. This includes making sure you are answering all the aspects of the assignment, have followed the professor's instructions regarding format, writing style, and citation style (if given), and have turned it in on time. While it seems incredibly obvious, so many students simply start writing a paper, go off on tangents (because they didn't have a plan, an outline, or didn't follow the other tips above), and turn in something that isn't even appropriate for that particular assignment. When preparing your plan, your outline, and gathering research, make sure to refer to your assignment from time to time, just to make sure that you are on track.

Learning to write well takes time and practice, but following these tips will most certainly help you to avoid some of the pitfalls common to college student writers.

Good luck and happy writing!
EF_Team2   
Sep 2, 2006
Writing Feedback / What can people do to live a long life? [4]

Greetings!

While I can understand why you might want to edit your post or to have "private messaging" on the site, the nature of this service is to be a public forum. As such, the posts will be read by members and changing them later could be confusing, particularly when there are responses posted. Also, being a public forum means we cannot provide private replies or arrange for private correspondence.

I'm glad you found the advice you received helpful! I hope we can continue to provide you assistance in the future.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 11, 2006
Writing Feedback / Christianity in Beowulf ; Is Beowulf is a Christian poem or not? [2]

Greetings!

You have written an excellent essay! While it is impressive and very nearly perfect, I have just a couple of small suggestions.

1) In the third paragraph, you have a sentence with slightly awkward wording. Consider changing "They could have easily been references to a pagan deity and simply been changed to the Christian god upon being recorded" to something like, "They could easily have been references to a pagan deity which were simply changed to reflect a Christian god upon being recorded."

2) Your last sentence, a speculation about the author's motives, seems to hang there on its own. You might want to beef up the ending a little by proposing another theory as well, or remove that sentence and wrap up with the sentence that comes just before it, perhaps adding some finality by using words such as "remains unknown" instead of "is unknown."

Please let me know if I can be of further help!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 12, 2006
Writing Feedback / MAJOR CONCERNS on T.S. Eliot's context revealed in The Love Song of J Alfred [3]

Greetings!

Your writing is vivid and insightful; very impressive!

I have just one small suggestion about the structure of the last sentence in the paragraph, to avoid any confusion about who is doing the "expressing" (the protagonists or Eliot). You might consider rewording it to, for example, "Using pathos, catharsis and extensive sensual imagery, Eliot expresses his own pessimism of the modern world by creating emotionally disturbing atmospheres in which his protagonists freely convey the ideas of their innermost contemplation."

Good work, and please let me know if I can be of further assistance!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 13, 2006
Book Reports / My review on Henrick Ibsen's A Doll's House [3]

Greetings!

I am happy to provide you with some feedback.

First off, if this is intended to be a formal essay for an English or literature class, your writing style is a bit casual. I'd eliminate "Really" in the opening and use the title rather than "that play." Avoid exclamation points and unnecessary phrases like, "I mean." Try to find more vivid adjectives than "great" or repetitive ones like "flies freely to a new life of freedom."

Probably the most important suggestion I can make is that you proofread closely for grammar and word usage. You have some sentence fragments ("All that for her husband's sake.") Some places words are not used properly in conjunction with other words: "how much they were badly-appreciated" could be phrased better as, "how women were mistreated and undervalued . . ." and you use "a forlorn" several times. Forlorn is not a noun; one can "become forlorn" but not be "a forlorn." Be sure to put a space after periods and commas.

Reading your essay out loud can help you hear where there may be problems such as, "she turns to put up an end for this miserable life" when you probably meant "she turns up to put an end to" it.

Remember to write as if you are explaining the play to someone who has never read it. Keep polishing it until it shines and your hard work will pay off!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 13, 2006
Essays / Need help with a university essay (structure and building up) [4]

Greetings!

Essay writing can seem a bit overwhelming for those who don't have a lot of practice, but here are some tips that will help:

1. Making an outline of the major ideas you want to cover will help you stay organized and not leave out anything important. An outline for your own use really doesn't need to be much more than a list of points put in a logical order.

2. Your essay should begin with a topic sentence that lets the reader know what the paper will be about. A basic form is to first give the topic -- "Writing college essays . . ." followed by the point of the essay -- ". . . is easy once you master the basics."

3. Next comes the body of your essay, which will be several paragraphs, depending on the required length of your paper. Start with a sentence that gives one of the main points from your outline: "Making an outline can be helpful." The remaining sentences in that paragraph (usually there should be at least three sentences in each paragraph) support the first sentence: "An outline contains the major ideas you want to cover in your essay." Add a few more points to expand and add detail.

4. Finally, the conclusion sums up the points made in your essay, without restating them in exactly the same way (which would be repetitive and boring). The last sentence should have a feeling of finality: "Learning a few basic guidelines can take the mystery out of writing a good college essay. By using an outline, crafting a good topic sentence, structuring paragraphs in an orderly fashion and wrapping up with a strong conclusion, students can greatly improve their writing. The end result is an essay that really makes the grade."

5. Other points to keep in mind while you're writing: Unless your professor tells you otherwise, always use formal English, without slang. Contractions are fine in informal writing like this, but not in a formal essay (use "do not" instead of "don't"); don't refer to yourself unless the assignment is supposed to include your personal experiences or reflections; include some action verbs and colorful metaphors where appropriate, but don't try to make your writing exciting just by adding exclamation points.

Be sure to check out the other useful information on our site, especially "Tips to Writing Successful College Essays and Term Papers" which can be found under Free Essays and Articles.

Please let me know if I can be of further help!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 15, 2006
Essays / Some information about Ibesn [4]

Greetings!

Googling key words in various combinations can be a great way to generate ideas and information (Ibsen writing style creative background, for example).

Famous persons often have organizations devoted to their study, too. Have you tried the Ibsen Society? Their website has a wealth of information, including a biography of his life with comments about his writings, and annotated bibliographies of scads of articles about Ibsen.

Give that a look and see if it has what you need!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 16, 2006
Essays / Some information about Ibesn [4]

Greetings again!

Perhaps I should have said The Ibsen Society of America. The information on their site seems to be in English.

ibsensociety.liu.edu/index.html

Hope that works better for you!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 16, 2006
Essays / The Things They Carried By Tim O'Brien [12]

Greetings!

It is certainly more of a challenge to read and write assignments in a language which is not native to you. While there is really no substitute for reading and studying the book yourself so that you can understand the plot and characters well enough to write about them, you should find some help in the form of study guides by doing a Google search using "The Things They Carried" by Tim O'Brien as search terms. Putting the title of the book in quotation marks will help to narrow your search.

I hope this helps!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 16, 2006
Writing Feedback / Nazi Germany was a totalitarian state [2]

Greetings!

It is always important to keep in mind that the function of writing is to communicate. If your intended reader has a hard time slogging through the multi-syllabic words and tiresomely long sentences, then the purpose of the writing has not been accomplished!

While from a strictly grammatical standpoint none of the above sentences is a "run-on" sentence, several of them could leave a reader gasping for air. Notice, too, the improper use of "whom" instead of "who" in the first selection and "but nor" in the second. Just because it's fancier doesn't make it right!

You are absolutely correct that variation adds to style, but "verbosity," by definition, means using a superfluous amount of words. A few carefully chosen words outshine an excessive and pretentious amount every time!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 16, 2006
Essays / Paper On Theologians. [5]

Greetings!

I would first start out doing an internet search using the theologian's name with the word "limitations" to see if other authors have written on the topic. That might result in some ideas or new ways of approaching the topic.

Has your instructor given you any ideas on what he or she means by "limitations"? If not, give some thought to what would be a limitation to you, personally, if you were looking to that theologian for guidance. What questions would you like the theologian to answer for you that his works do not answer?

Without more specifics, that's about all I can tell you. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 17, 2006
Essays / MOVIE THEME EDITING [5]

Greetings!

While I haven't seen the movie, I can give you some editing tips. First, I think you need to define your theme a little more specifically. The "level of tolerance" for what? It isn't clear.

You say the girls "knew exactly what they were doing," yet you also say that "evil fortune" caused the children to play a dangerous game. Fortune generally refers to luck rather than purposeful actions.

Capitalize "Bible" when referring specifically to the Christian Holy Bible.

It should be "to play" instead of "played" on line 2; "to act bewitched" not "act out like"; "taking advantage" (no "s") on line 9; in formal writing, don't use contractions (say "did not" instead of "didn't").

The last two lines could use some more development. Saying that "mental thinking" (which is redundant - all thinking is mental) caused their horrible actions is a bit obvious. Perhaps you could explore why it occurred by describing the type of life they lived in more detail. Why were the girls so angry and bored?

Finally, be sure to read your essay out loud, listening carefully to make sure each sentence says just what you meant it to say. You might ask a friend to listen to you read it. Keep polishing it and your results will pay off!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 18, 2006
Essays / MOVIE THEME EDITING [5]

Greetings!

I'm happy to answer those questions for you, but I don't see your essay. Could you please paste that first sentence in so I can have a look?

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 19, 2006
Essays / MOVIE THEME EDITING [5]

Greetings!

I think "cause" is the proper word there. The part I have trouble with is "do everything that is out of his mind." That really does not make a lot of sense. Better would be "When a person's level of tolerance exceeds its limits, he can lose his mind." However, you would still need to explain what you mean by tolerance.

The word "intolerance" is actually more easily understood. Consider a sentence like this: "In Three Sovereigns for Sarah, anger, boredom and intolerance caused three children to play a dangerous game." Then you might want to go on to explain why the girls were intolerant of other people.

There are many ways you could express these thoughts. Try writing your opening several different ways and see which one strikes you as being the strongest.

Hope this helps!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 21, 2006
Essays / The Things They Carried By Tim O'Brien [12]

Greetings!

The Taming of the Shrew is arguably the most famous play ever about the battle of the sexes. You might want to compare how women were viewed in the 16th century compared with today. Was Kate a "liberated" woman for her time? Would she be considered an abused wife by today's standards? You might also examine the institution of marriage -- how has it changed since the days when marriages were arranged?

Please let me know if I can be of further help!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 22, 2006
Essays / Paper On Theologians. [5]

Greetings!

While I can't give you a lot of information specifically on theologians since I'm not an expert in that area, I can give you some ideas about how to go about finding the information you need.

For example, a quick Google search using "Augustine" and "salvation" together gave me articles that talk about his views on predestination. I then Googled "Augustine predestination" and got a lot more articles. A quick glance lets me know that predestination is probably one of those limitations you are seeking.

Try doing this with the other two theologians ["Calvin salvation"; "Anselm salvation"] to get other search terms such as "free will" and "grace" that you can then pair with the theologian's name to narrow down your search. Then you can compare and contrast their views on a particular topic, for instance predestination versus free will.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 24, 2006
Writing Feedback / 'Attack of the Bees' - essay bout a day I will never forget [3]

Greetings!

You have made a great start here. A little tweaking here and there is all it needs.

Generally, it's best to start with a strong first sentence that sums up what the essay will be about. Try starting with the last sentence in the first paragraph. ("The day that will forever," etc.)

Using "seemed" weakens your writing. Instead of "The small section of woods seemed as if it were a jungle. Leaves and thorn bushes were everywhere" how about "The small section of woods was a jungle of leaves and thorn bushes."

Using metaphors makes your writing more colorful, as you know. Although I didn't really understand the comparison of your mother to a bobcat, I really like your marshmallow simile!

Watch out for repetitions such as "not even make it" which you use twice in a row. Vary your phrasing and sentence structure to make it more interesting.

Some of your phrasing is a little formal. For example, "I ran threw the cloud to retrieve further assistance." It's "through" not "threw" and "retrieve further assistance" is too formal here. Just say "get help." Formal words like "therefore" are all right with legal writing, but don't really belong in this type of personal essay. You are essentially writing from the viewpoint of an eleven-year-old, so unless you would have thought words like "frolic" at that time, it's best to choose something more age-appropriate.

I'd eliminate "We did not even make it to the flying when the most horrible, terrifying thing happened." The first part doesn't make sense to me and you don't need to announce that something bad happened. Your descriptions will tell the reader that. Remember this important rule of writing: Show, don't tell! Or, as Anton Chekov put it: "Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass."

I hope these comments are useful to you. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 25, 2006
Writing Feedback / 'Attack of the Bees' - essay bout a day I will never forget [3]

Greetings!

Your essay does, indeed, have details and coherence! Just a few little things pop out to me. A couple of places you use an auxiliary with your verb when it would be better not to: Say "Megan stepped on a mound," instead of "had stepped." "The doctors told my mother" instead of "had told." This brings the reader more into the action.

The last sentence of your opening paragraph is a little awkward. Did you mean to say that your friends had memories of you breaking your collarbone? Try writing it a few different ways and be sure to read it out loud to see how it sounds.

I don't find any comma splices or sentence fragments -- good job!

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 25, 2006
Essays / Who is a villain? Need help with essay on Villain of Canadian history [3]

Greetings!

When you are looking for someone who is the "most" anything, it is often subjective -- that is, it depends on whom you are asking. Also, when doing an internet search (for example, on Google), you can get different answers depending on which search terms you use.

If you search "most notorious Canadian villain" you get lots of stories on Clifford Olson, Canada's most famous serial killer. He raped and murdered 11 victims in the 1980s. If you use slightly different terms, like "most notorious Canadian criminal" you may get more stories on Norman "Red" Ryan, a bank robber. I even tried just using "evil Canadian" and got a story about the "Evil reptilian kitten-eater from another planet," a term used to refer to Ontario Liberal Party leader Dalton McGuinty!

The internet has a wealth of information on it, for those who use it creatively. First, decide what is meant by "villain" -- what makes someone a villain? -- and try incorporating that into your search. Make a list of all the search terms you think would be helpful and try using them in different combinations.

Best of luck, and have fun with it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 25, 2006
Essays / The Things They Carried By Tim O'Brien [12]

Greetings!

I'm glad the ideas were helpful. Just to clarify, "the institution of marriage" is simply a term used to refer to marriage itself. There are many parts of marriage you could look at. Economics, certainly, is one aspect. The law is another. Laws which used to be against women now protect them.

I do think it would be oversimplifying to say that women are no longer abused. There are many stories in the news about women being abused by husbands, boyfriends and others. The difference nowadays is that it is against the law, while in the 16th century, it was looked at as a man's right to control his woman's behavior. That might be something your essay could address, if you feel it fits in.

Best of luck with your essay!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 27, 2006
Undergraduate / Paper on an econ. concept that help u understand an issue in ur life [10]

Greetings!

You have a good start here, but it does need some careful editing. There are several misspelled words, so try running a spell check on it. Your first sentence is not very coherent. I think perhaps you are trying to say, "Making decisions is never easy, especially the ones that are most important in our lives."

Also, "see how not to lost a lot of valuable things in my life clearly" is a bit jumbled. "See clearly" belongs together, and both places you say "lost" you really mean "lose." There are a few other places where the grammar is not quite proper. "I believe that I can get a suitable job to me easily and face up with my life confidently" would be better as "I believe I can find a suitable job and face life with confidence." And I'm not sure I really understand your last sentence, either.

Be sure to read your essay out loud, preferably to a friend, to make sure it makes sense. This is also a good way to make sure commas and periods are correct.

Keep working on it and I'm sure you can improve with practice. You already appear to have conquered "the/a/an"!

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Sep 27, 2006
Undergraduate / Paper on an econ. concept that help u understand an issue in ur life [10]

Greetings!

As far as I can tell, your essay is right on target with the requested topic. You took something you learned in economics and applied it to your life. Good job!

As far as grammar, it isn't tenses so much as the way your sentences are constructed. The words are not put together in a way that a native English speaker would write it. For instance, your last sentence is perfect up to this point: "I prefer the "opportunity cost" concept to any another tool" but the rest of the sentence is awkward -- perhaps even more so this time.

I think I know what you are trying to say, but it is not worded quite right -- and you are actually introducing a whole new train of thought at the end when you talk about using the concept when it is "natural" to do so. Try something like this: "I prefer the "opportunity cost" concept to any another tool when making important decisions in my life."

You have the right idea about writing more and more. Keep it up and you will get better and better. You are already well on your way!

Best of luck,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 1, 2006
Undergraduate / Paper on an econ. concept that help u understand an issue in ur life [10]

Greetings!

You have done an excellent job improving your writing! I'd be happy to help you with the few not-quite-right places that remain. I will put the phrases I'm correcting in bold so you can see them better.

In the first sentence, the comma goes inside the quotation mark in "opportunity cost," -- assuming you are writing for an American class; the British would do it the way you did. Put a comma before economics as well as after: my major, economics, has made

In the next paragraph, don't put a comma when you say Opportunity cost is just a way

I think I'd take out my unforgettable memory and just say I often remind myself of when I was young

You need either a semi-colon or period instead of a comma after study: time-wasting to study; I wanted to

Up to now isn't used quite correctly. That sentence would be better as Now, I am an economics student pursuing a degree full-time at a university.

Say I can see clearly instead of it has helped me see clearly

Instead of we ought to be taking (or to take?) not in terms of the cost of it or others, it would be better to use talking or thinking; In other words, take just isn't the right verb there. How about we ought to be thinking not in terms of the cost of something, but the opportunity cost of it.

Say I might earn a lot of money by working instead of much and say face life with confidence.

And I made a typo when I wrote I prefer the "opportunity cost" concept to any another tool. It should have been to any other tool. Sorry for the confusion! You could say another, but it has more impact to say any other.

I'm impressed by your progress!

Best of luck in your studies,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 2, 2006
Writing Feedback / Doctor Faustus Essay [2]

Greetings!

While I think you have a good rough draft here, I do have a few suggestions that might help. Your writing could be made richer by varying word choice more. For example, you use the word "play" five times from the last word of the first paragraph through the next three sentences. Try finding some other ways to express what you are saying, like "something dramatic into the action," or "into the story" instead of "something dramatic into the play."

You also have a lot of uses of "him" or "his" in the second paragraph, without using a proper noun. Referring to Faustus by name a bit more often might avoid confusion.

Be aware that the possessive form of "its" does not have an apostrophe: "its effects"; "its uses." When you use "it's" you are saying "it is."

Saying "the juxtaposition of good and evil is meant to show the sharp contrast between the good and evil characters to his audience" really isn't saying much; perhaps you could expand on this a bit more.

While I find your assertion that it is a morality play rather than a drama to be an interesting one, you don't really explain what the difference is. "Though this could have been a chance for a dramatic turn, it instead ends with Faustus being taken to Hell." Why is this not dramatic? Perhaps you could give your reader a clearer idea of what drama is, as opposed to what constitutes a morality play. Could not contrasting good and evil be dramatic? If not, why not? Expanding on this might give you more to say in your conclusion.

Finally, it is usually considered superfluous to say "Obviously . . ." because it is your argument that makes the case for your position. Don't beat your reader over the head with it.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 3, 2006
Undergraduate / Paper on an econ. concept that help u understand an issue in ur life [10]

Greetings!

You are certainly working hard to improve your writing; that's great! I have to say, I have never heard that "three prepositions" rule before. While it may be a good rule, remember that just because a word CAN be used as a preposition, doesn't mean that that is ALWAYS its function.

In your examples, "allowing myself to think," and "possible to gain," for instance, the word "to" is part of the verb, not a preposition.

I don't feel that any of your sentences are "cluttered" but you may certainly replace "looking at" by "considering"; it does flow a bit better that way.

Good job!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 4, 2006
Writing Feedback / Future of Media Conclusion - (High School) [5]

Greetings!

You have an interesting and well-written article here. The only major problem I see is with run-on sentences. There are several places where you have a comma when a period is called for, and others where you simply keep on going when you should stop and take a breath. I've noted a few other suggested changes as well; corrections are in bold. I've tried to include enough of the phrase so that you can find it easily.

Paragraph #
#1: countries further > countries. Further
allow the reader to fully customize his or her reading > allow readers to fully customize their reading
#3: last six years and shows > last six years. It shows
offer huge potential, offering a huge client base > offer great potential, with a huge client base
#4: corporations, this is because > corporations. This is because
surpasses > surpass
most people, a technology > most people. A technology
Upon a users query the system > Upon a user's query, the system
before delivering it to the consumer, all without any human > before delivering it to the consumer. All of this without any human
already commenced, recently Rupert > already commenced. Recently Rupert
consumer profiling, the integration > consumer profiling. The integration
capabilities, is tipped > capabilities is tipped [do you really mean "tipped"?]
magazines, the current mediums > magazines. The current mediums

Let me know if I can be of further assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 4, 2006
Writing Feedback / Future of Media Conclusion - (High School) [5]

Greetings!

While I can't edit the whole essay for you, I'll point out a few things that you can apply to the rest of the essay. You still have a few run-on sentences that use a comma where a period belongs. Try reading your essay out loud. Anywhere there's a pause where you would take a breath and start a new thought is probably a place where a period belongs. For example, in paragraph #3, "latest news articles upon subscription," should be "latest news articles. Upon subscription, ". You also employ the passive voice a LOT. The passive voice can make your writing flat and removes the reader farther away from the action. In paragraph #4, instead of saying, "The service provided by us" consider "Our service." Passive voice often includes "by [noun or pronoun]" after the verb.

Be sure to skip a line between paragraphs, unless your instructor wants you to indent instead. (I counted each of the hard returns under "Feasibility Study" as a paragraph, although you didn't skip a line.)

I found a few typos, notably in paragraph #2: Imaging should be Imagine and in #3: "they fell is convenient" should be "feel".

Just a little more polishing, and I think you'll have it!

Best of luck with your studies,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 5, 2006
Writing Feedback / The damnation of the canyon is one man's account [2]

Greetings!

You've done a good job of expressing your disagreement with the author's views. I'm guessing "The damnation of the canyon" is a book, in which case it needs to have proper title capitalization and italicization: The Damnation of the Canyon. In the first paragraph, be sure to put the period inside the quotation marks if you are using American English: "damnation." Throughout the essay, you switch from "damn" to "dam." If you're talking about the structure, it's "dam." I noticed a few other misspellings: baroness should be barrenness;

"river were nothing could use it." -- you mean "where" not "were." In "capable of adapting to there surroundings" you want to use "their." With "any facts are statistics" I think you meant "or" instead of "are."

You have a few sentence fragments." Making his views to his perspective of what he wants to see. " is not a complete sentence, and doesn't really make sense to me. Are you saying he sees things the way he wants to see them?

In the paragraph about recreational activities, this sentence seems to contradict itself (and is also not proper grammar): "The wide variety of activities may cost more but can now be available to all kinds of people, who may never had a chance to experience it." It should be "may never have had" -- but you seem to be saying that more people can use the place even though it costs more than it did . . . ?

When you talk about ethos, pathos, and logos it might help to explain what they are, for any reader who hasn't studied those concepts.

A couple of times, you seem to be quoting from the book, but the first quote does not make sense: "Poorly and impressed by the concrete aggregates and statistics in the cubic tons." Double-check to make sure you have quoted it correctly. The second quote is not attributed -- is it from the book? If so, then the author DOES realize that "over 20 million people living in the Southwest U.S. depend upon Lake Powell for an ensured water supply and their economic well being." He may, however, overlook this, as you point out.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 10, 2006
Essays / The Difference Between Personal and Professional Relationship [3]

Greetings!

While we do not write essays for students on this site, I'd be happy to give you some ideas about how to start writing it yourself.

It's always good to have a strong opening, a thesis statement that briefly states what your paper will be about, and perhaps why it is important. You might open with something like, "Understanding the important differences between personal and professional relationships can help pave the way to success in both aspects of a person's life." Expand on this with a couple of follow-up sentences, since paragraphs should generally be at least three sentences.

You'll want to have several more paragraphs which make your main points on the subject, each starting with its own topic sentence, followed by sentences which support that statement. Let's say you wanted one of those points to be the importance of keeping your personal relationships separate from your professional ones: "It is not always easy to keep professional relationships entirely separate from your personal life, especially if you socialize with your co-workers, after-hours." Give some thoughts on how it can be accomplished, such as agreeing not to talk about work outside the office. You might also want a paragraph on the similarities between personal and professional relationships, such as good communication skills being important to both.

Once you have made your main points in each subsequent paragraph, your last paragraph should summarize these points. Try to have a strong closing sentence which has a similar message to that of your thesis statement, but worded differently: "Building good relationships, both personally and professionally, is important, but knowing the difference between the two is vital."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 11, 2006
Undergraduate / 'The cynic is one' - UA Essay [5]

Greetings!

Well, I, for one, really enjoyed your essay! And if it were merely an essay to express your thoughts on a topic, I'd be inclined to say, "don't change a word!" It's engaging, thought-provoking, humorous and entertaining. But . . . (you knew the "but" was coming), does it accomplish its purpose? This is an essay which has a job to do, and the most important thing is to make sure it does its job, namely, get you admitted to college.

Answering that question is a little difficult without knowing the precise question that is being asked. Is it "What can you tell us about yourself?" or "Why should we admit you to our university?" or something else with a slightly different emphasis? If you are applying to several different universities which ask somewhat different questions, you might want to tailor it to fit. Also consider the type of school to which you are applying. Is it one with a reputation for being liberal? Is it a more conservative, perhaps religious, college? This makes a difference in how it could be received.

I might be inclined to split the difference: tone it down just slightly for a one-size-fits-all audience. The opening does paint you just a bit negatively. At the least, I'd cut the quotes down in size, one or two sentences apiece at most, and take out the "mousing for vermin" bit, even though it's a fabulous metaphor. When all else fails, remember the writer's (artist's, entertainer's) creed: know your audience.

I know it's not easy to take out writing that you think is good. Writers always struggle with this. Because you like quotes, here's one that might help from Sir Arthur Quiller-Couch, who wrote in The Art of Writing (1916), "Whenever you feel an impulse to perpetrate a piece of exceptionally fine writing, obey it - whole-heartedly - and delete it before sending your manuscript to press. Murder your darlings."

Best of luck in your studies!

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 11, 2006
Undergraduate / Story telling topic; essay based on an interview with a member of your family [12]

Greetings!

The "voice" of a story refers to who the narrator is; in other words, who is telling the story. The narrator can't communicate anything it does not see, feel, think or experience. Voice is also called "point of view."

In first-person voice, the narrator uses the pronouns "I" or "we." For example, "I wrote to EssayForum for help." First person tends to bring the reader closer in to the main character, to understand and perhaps sympathize more with that character.

Second-person is not used as much these days. It happens when the narrator addresses the reader directly: "You wanted advice, so you asked EssayForum." The "you" can also be implied, as in an instruction booklet: "Turn the applicance on" actually means, "You should turn the appliance on."

Third-person voice can be "omnicient" or "limited." The third person limited point of view picks one character and allows the reader inside his or her thoughts and experiences. The narrator is limited to what that one character can observe. "Jim was angry with Sally. He wondered why she hadn't called him back."

A third person omniscient narrator can shift focus from character to character, knowing events which a single character could not be aware of, as well as everyone's thoughts: "Jim could feel himself growing angry. Sally noticed this, but decided she didn't care."

While it might seem easier to use third-person omnicient voice to jump from one character's thoughts to another, most writers agree that it is difficult to do it well. My recommendation would be that if you are going to write a story in third-person voice, use a limited point of view. Even though you are writing in the third person ("Jim threw his cell phone down in disgust"), you will only tell of events that one character knows about. You can't, for instance, leave Jim at home, and then write about what's happening at school while he isn't there.

In a novel, it is possible to use different points of view in different chapters, for added effect, but if you are just writing a short story, it's best to pick a point of view and stick with it.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 12, 2006
Writing Feedback / 'Woods Riding and The Dirt Bike' - Process essay review [2]

Greetings!

You have done a wonderful job of describing the process of riding a dirt bike. I almost feel I could do it myself now! I'll just give you a couple of tidying-up pointers and you'll be good to go.

"A beginner who is going to start driving their bike into the woods, trails, and sand dunes has to learn a whole new set of techniques both for riding and for caring for themselves and the machine." While mixing a singular subject with a plural pronoun is often done in casual speech these days, it really isn't proper English. Rather than getting bogged down with alternatives like "A beginner who is going to start driving his or her bike" it's easier to just make all the references plural: "Beginners who are going to start driving their bikes . . . have to learn . . . "

"This can be on the carburetor or handle bar mounted" might read more smoothly as "This can be on the carburetor or be handle bar-mounted." I'm not entirely sure about "2-stroke" and "4-stroke" but my sense is that it should probably be "two-stroke" and "four-stroke." If you do go with the numerals, don't capitalize the "S" and don't leave a space before the hyphen.

You've written a very good essay during trying times, and I wish you the best in your studies.

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 12, 2006
Undergraduate / Story telling topic; essay based on an interview with a member of your family [12]

Greetings!

A relative clause can be restrictive or non-restrictive. In English, a relative clause follows the noun, or "antecedent," it modifies. "John wrote the song that the band was playing." The restrictive relative clause is "that the band was playing," because it identifies the specific song that John wrote. If you say, "John wrote a great song, which became quite popular" the non-restrictive relative clause ("which became quite popular") does not help to make its antecedent ("song") definite, but gives extra information describing it.

As you can see from those examples, a relative clause can be quite useful in describing the noun you are talking about. I think when your book says that relative clauses can make writing cluttered, it means TOO MANY relative clauses can. For instance, consider this sentence: "John, who is my best friend, wrote the song that The Tree Huggers, a folk-rock band, was playing, which has become quite popular." Now, THAT is cluttered writing! If you take all the relative clauses out of your writing, you won't have much to say, though.

As to your second set of questions, I can see why you think your book is contradicting itself, but it really isn't. If you tell your reader everything immediately, it takes all the suspense out of the story and gives the reader no reason to go on reading. Also, if you tell your readers what they should be thinking, not only will they lose interest, but consciously or subconsciously, they will feel patronized; in other words, they'll think you think they are too stupid to figure it out themselves. Consider this example: "Fred's eyes narrowed to slits and his lips grew thin. His jaw was clenched so tightly, it was a wonder he could snarl, 'Shut up!' He was obviously angry." Now, did I really need to tell you he was angry? Of course not! I had drawn you a picture of his mood. Which covers your next question as well. Don't tell me Fred is angry; show me his eyes, his lips, his jaw. Let me hear his snarl. Then you will have painted a picture of Fred that is much more interesting than simply saying, "Fred was really angry."

Hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 13, 2006
Essays / Help, I'm new here. Is it okay to use parenthese around... [2]

Greetings!

Sometimes it's a judgment call as to whether quotation marks are required or not, but I think an argument can be made that Hemingway's "iceberg principle" falls under the category of words used ironically or in some unusual way. He was comparing writing to icebergs in order to describe how good writing can convey something's meaning without necessarily stating it. "The dignity of movement of the iceberg is due to only one-eighth of it being above water." In the same way, he felt, writing should have underlying meaning that the reader can feel without the actual words spelling it out.

It would probably be more correct to also include "principle" within the quotation marks, as I did above. I don't agree that it falls under "well-known expressions." I suspect that if you surveyed 100 people on the street, a large majority of them could not define "iceberg principle" for you.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 13, 2006
Undergraduate / Story telling topic; essay based on an interview with a member of your family [12]

Greetings!

I think you may still be a bit confused about what third-person voice means. When you write in third person your characters can talk, go places, interact with other characters or do whatever you want them to.

Let's say your main character is named John. You might describe him through narration: "John was a tall man with long, bony fingers." Or you might have another character describe him through dialogue: "Bobby laughed at John and said, 'Man, you sure have long, bony fingers!' " You might even have John describe himself: "John looked in the mirror and ran his fingers through his dark hair. 'I hate my fingers; they're too bony,' he thought." Now we have a picture of John that helps us feel we know him better.

When you get advice like "don't use extended dialogue," the important word is "extended." In other words, don't have the dialogue go on for page after page. Certainly you can and should make your characters have conversations. That is often the best way to reveal important parts of the story. For instance, you could just say, "Many years ago, John saw Bobby steal a book from the library." But wouldn't it be much more interesting if that information came out during a conversation between the two, like this?

John took one look at Bobby and turned away.
"You still holding a grudge against me?" asked Bobby.
John whirled to face him. "You still a thief?" he said.

Now you've got your reader wondering what that grudge is all about! Your reader wants to continue reading to find out what happened to cause John's attitude.

By all means, start writing your story, and remember to have fun with it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 13, 2006
Undergraduate / Story telling topic; essay based on an interview with a member of your family [12]

Greetings!

The story you tell is a good one, because it has many elements that make a story interesting: drama, suspense, a child in danger, and of course, a happy ending! The changes I would suggest are mainly to do with grammar and syntax.

In the first paragraph, the "when" and "where" of your story are not immediately clear, because you change tenses twice in the first sentence. "Since I was in Singapore" -- does that mean you used to be in Singapore and no longer are there? "Since" then, "I have met . . . many people" makes it sound like you met the man after you left Singapore, yet his story takes place there -- a bit confusing! Even more so when you start out talking in the past tense and switch to present: "a man who always looks happy although I know that his business is busy" sounds like he is someone you see now, on a regular basis. So, be careful with word choice and tenses.

Intead of "there was a wonderful wife" say "he had a wonderful wife." "Daddy, I hope you will come back mommy and me at 8:0 p.m to night" needs a preposition ("to Mommy and me") or better yet, an infinitive: "come back to see Mommy and me at 8:00 p.m. tonight."

"But busy working took him so much time that he could not care about his family, his wife and his little daughter longing for the love and caring of her father." This sentence has grammatical errors and is a bit run-on. Better would be "Work took so much of his time that he neglected his family. His daughter longed for more love and attention from her father."

Be careful not to interrupt exciting action with commentary. "Only when experiencing the feeling of losing something do you find out that thing is really important to you." That's an important thought, but put it later, not in the middle of the action when the dad is rushing out to find his daughter.

A "frightening face" is one which is scary (it scares the people who look at it). You mean "frightened."

"They continued to find hopelessly" doesn't make sense. I think you must mean "They continued to search hopelessly" although it would be better to say "They continued to search, but were beginning to lose hope."

"They did not know whether the girl dared to be in at that time." I'm really not sure what this means.

I won't go through every sentence, but I do advise that you carefully check for both run-on sentences and sentence fragments. You have a few of both.

A little more polishing and I think your story will be fine. You're working very hard and it will definitely pay off!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 14, 2006
Essays / Starting to write a paper on the topic: Smoking in public places [5]

Greetings!

I'd be happy to help. First of all, make sure you look through the free essays and articles we have here on our site; there's a wealth of information there!

How to approach the topic of smoking in public places depends on the emphasis you want your essay to have. For instance, you could talk about the law -- how it has changed over the years, what the trends are now. Are there any places where smoking is more restricted than others, or less restricted?

You might want to talk about the effects of second-hand smoking, or the rights of smokers -- or both! Decide what aspects of the topic are most important to you and go from there.

Once you have written it, I'd be happy to take a look at it for you and make more specific suggestions.

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum. com
EF_Team2   
Oct 14, 2006
Essays / WW1 , the Treaty of Versalilles, WW11 [2]

Greetings!

You have an excellent start here! I agree that your paragraphs could use just a bit of smoothing. We all know that the first sentence should be the thesis statement that describes what your essay will be about. This can lead to the temptation to cram everything you're going to discuss into that one sentence. Your first sentence is a little confusing and long (the semi-colon should be a comma, too).

It's often helpful to simply turn a long sentence into two shorter ones. You can easily do this with your first sentence. Also, "an orchestra of German culture" is a metaphor I find a bit confusing. Did you mean "orchestration"?

Your writing is very good, overall. See what you can do to simplify it a little and let me know if I can be of further assistance!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
EF_Team2   
Oct 15, 2006
Undergraduate / Story telling topic; essay based on an interview with a member of your family [12]

Greetings!

Your story is definitely progressing and getting better every time you work on it! First, I'll answer your questions. Yes, you may say that indirectly rather than directly and it will be fine. It would sound more natural, though, instead of "He agreed without noticing what she mentioned in her words" to say "He agreed without really paying attention to what she said."

As to your second question, yes, I see the effect you are trying to get there, and I agree that it works better like you have it now. One thing, though: "He said me then." is not grammatically correct. Better would be ". . . 'is really important to you,' Mr. Chew told me."

A few more suggestions: "He thought that everything would be alright and his little daughter's saying was not important at all." This sentence is a little awkward and you really don't need it; I'd take it out.

"huge" means "very large." You mean "hugged." "Mr. Chew regretted because of his empty promise" should be "Mr. Chew regretted making his empty promise." Although, it might be more accurate to say he wished he had kept his promise, wouldn't it?

I'll put the rest of the things I think need changing in bold and my suggested substitutions in brackets.

"His farther [daughter] was sitting under a big tree with a frightened face." ["looking terrified"] "She busted into tears when seeing her father." [She burst into tears when she saw her father]. "He took the daughter in his arm and understood all." [It should be "arms" -- but I'm not quite sure what you mean by "understood all."]

"Never did he fell [feel] so happy"

I cannot forget until now [I have never forgotten it.]

"I always remind myself of his last saying [words]: "I have realized the most important [thing] in my life, it is not to pursue the success by all means, but when I can bring the happiness to not only myself but also my dear persons." [I have realized that the most important thing in my life is not pursuing success by any means, but bringing happiness to myself and those who are dear to me.]

Best of luck!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

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