Undergraduate / UC Essay about Inspiration as a teacher [6]

This is my first draft and I would really appreaciate any help on the flow of ideas.How could I make a stronger point?
Uc prompt 2 Tell us about a quality,attribute or accomplishment that makes you proud

On a scale of one to ten I would be very lucky if I get one and a half. Next to me lays a pile of hollowed marrows wounded beyond repair. Ehsan, who is right beside me, performs one more time, effortlessly running her hands across the circumference of the top part, then with one movement getting out the insides. "Now try again." She says patiently.

Usually, I am the one sitting on the side, urging people to try just one more time. In the beginning I took up teaching to show students knowledge the way I saw it, a way to understand life and to be part of it. If only I could be good enough to show them how it feels to find the missing links- to discover and understand the rules, the equations and nuances of feelings... I wanted to be a good teacher, because I felt that I may be able to help people find inspiration in the pristine nature of learning.

Yet to really make a difference, I had to forget about knowledge the way I saw it, , and help my classmates discover their own links and meaning for themselves, separately. It meant that I had to discard my experiences and look at everything in a new light, from each student's point of view. It was as if a wall had collapsed, I wanted to truly understand the people around me, to teach them to find the relevancy in between.

As Ehsan and I sat on the white marble stairs she told me of the first time she made dough for bread and the pride she felt. She told me of the days she worked so hard to make sure she will have food the next day. She told me the road she walked everyday until I could see it right in front of me. She was 40 years older than me, our lives completely different. Yet hearing her talk gave me insight about how she saw life.

As a teacher, I don't want to be bound by walls. When I understood my classmates significant experiences contributed to different interpretations, I was driven to discover what these forces were. First I had to overcome my own struggle to make sense of things I was afraid from or couldn't relate to. The more I manage to defy that, the better teacher I will become. As everyday goes by I get reminded about the beauty of change, and the latent power of it.

She prods me with her hand." You're not concentrating."
"Come on you know I'm not good with my hands!"
"Try your best now, you will get it."
I didn't think I could relate to cooking, but I found within it,like I found with many other things I tried, a connection, an insight to a new life. I held in my hand a ripe marrow, hollowed to perfection.

Undergraduate / "It's a dangerous place"; UC Common App/ World I come from [13]

I know that the conclusion needs some more work, but the problem is that I will exceed the word limit. Any thought on where I could cut some with words without affecting the content. Also I would really like to hear your thoughts on the introduction, I am starting to have my doubts about it. Any comments on content and grammar, structure,clarity! I have no one at all to give me feedback so all comments are appreciated.

prompt :Tell us about the world you come from and how it has haped your dreams and aspirations

"Its a dangerous place!"

All the way my nine year-old mind ran with various scenarios of the dangers present: was it a building on the verge of collapse, or perhaps a toxic explosion from one of the labs? We were closing towards the gates now, and I stepped out, expecting to hear the familiar flow of Arabic in the air. I was used to the busy morning commotion, and I wondered why everything felt too still. But suddenly I heard a strange sound in the distance, a language I had never heard before. Like a rush, more of them descend across the air: Russian, Japanese, French , more languages than I could count. It never occurred to me at that instant, that this was the start of a new life for me. I stood there, my initial fear turning into an urge to understand the words, and the stories of those who spoke them.

Our family members and friends were convinced that the new school was bound to change me. How a girl so young could grow amongst such conflicting view points, they reasoned, without getting confused about what's right or wrong. "She will have no guidance, no link with our culture", my aunt said. She paused, trying to conjure the words, " she will break apart someday... it's a dangerous place."

I lived my entire life in the Middle East, but the boundaries of my world don't stop there. The diversity that surrounded me led me to realize that the world contains so many secrets, and everything around me sparked questions I tried to answer. My friend shuriti would mention her last holiday in India and my mind would run wild imagining the way it feels to walk in the streets of Calcutta or be amidst the exotic music of a festival. One question would lead to another until I find myself searching for the history of Indian festivals, what they mean and what they signify. I would be moved to try Asian food my friend's mother made, to learn some Russian and Chinese words with pride, for within them I was learning exclusive feelings of a culture. I would watch the Lebanese dabka performance and wonder how such a dance originated.

I kept asking questions, finding within every answer an understanding and appreciation of different perspectives. However, the more I learnt about different cultures, the more I became drawn to learn about my own heritage. I could see what was distinct about the Egyptian way of life : the feel of an Egyptian wedding, the intricate method of preparing food, and the hospitable nature of Egyptian people. I fell in love with Egyptian literature, naguib Mahfouz. While Arabic in our school was only a second language, I strived to surpass that level and spent many days after school ameliorating my Arabic writing skills.

I was inspired by my heritage to write: and I began to compose poems and stories that my friends eyed with disbelief. " I never knew Arabic was so beautiful", they said after I translated the words. They too, wanted to comprehend the history behind that language. At a family meeting, I read one of my Arabic poems, my family looked with disbelief.

"Come and sit beside me, for I was a poet too." My aunt said with tears in her eyes.

that day ,I managed to show my family that the stereotype about diversity was wrong

I like a new color in a portrait, have something to add.. I have a determination to find the answers, an unquenchable thirst for knowledge that brings me here : to a place where I can begin not with answers but with questions,where I will bring my own color along.

Undergraduate / 'To show the girls in Egypt the light within knowledge' - UC 2 I believe I can [11]

Does it seem clear? Any comments are appreciated! Thank you very much

Tell us about a quality or accomplishment that makes you proud:

Its 2:00 pm. The tiny room is empty except for a couple of chairs.

She approaches me, " Sarah...Are you sure you can do this?" her eyes try to read my expression. I don't answer her. In my mind, I am back to the first time I tried teaching.

"I am failing English." Ashley said; her report card safely packed away.
"Maybe I can help?" I ask.
"I know I will never be good at this."

Every weekend she would come so I could help her with literature and poetry. Sometimes I felt frustrated, while I saw poetry as a beautiful expression of nuances of feelings, she could not relate to it. I found out that I had to search for her links, not mine. Therefore, I tried to link characters to people we knew as we looked at their motives, and to make grammar come alive by singing the words so the flows would appear. She was getting better, day by day. One day I brought a painting Ashley had drew and told her to describe what she meant by it. She looked at me not finding the words; I knew that feeling of ineffability, and I wanted to show her how words could be explained. "Read this", I told her, showing her a descriptive poem. She felt the words flowing, and her eyes lit. At that instance, I saw change, the power within it. It was then that I realized that teaching could be a means of defying walls- walls that hinder our potential to grow and expand.

I became a teacher. Every time I went to the board, my aim was to enlighten knowledge and to help others realize that change was possible and attainable. When I teach I feel that I can have an impact on those around me, and my own fear of making mistakes diminishes.

When I moved to Egypt, I found that people who could not afford private education were trapped with no means of improvement,and I decided to do something. I spent many sleepless nights working on how I would show the girls the light within knowledge, through it shining their prospects and abilities.

Now as the charity head asks the question, I look at her, this time meeting her eyes:

"Yes .I believe I can."