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Posts by ZhoeK
Joined: Dec 18, 2011		 Last Post: Jan 6, 2012
Threads: 5
Posts: 157  
From: Jamaica

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ZhoeK   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App Essay - The Last Supper [3]

Greetings and salutations Tya.

I am not a professional editor, but I will voice my opinions about your essay nonetheless and you can decide whether to comply of not.

Overall:
I believe that it is partially confusing, for you begin with french fries as your choice, but then you mention the three course meal and at the end you insert cupcakes, so I am a tad bit confused at to which meal did you chose, or if there was even a choice. In regards to whether your essay reveals anything about you, I think it reveals plenty about how your inner mind works and how you make decisions, so I think you have mastered that aspect well. Overall I like your concept but I think you should make your final decision of your last supper a little less confusing. I like the end with preposterous, it is pretty effective and if your choice is french fries or something equally unexpected, preposterous would be a suitable justification.

Also, I do not think you should use contractions in the body of the essay, you can leave that to the dialogue, it detracts.

Barely able to contain my excitement

This is sort of awkward and abrupt after the "I got it!". Could perhaps be "I proclaimed aloud, barely able to contain my excitement"

but I've learnt now that this is not the case

but I have learnt this is not always the case.

So, lesson constantly learned and forgotten:

A lesson I have learnt and constantly forgotten:

I hope I have helped you in someway, good day.
ZhoeK   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a new academic chapter' + 'why Lafayette' + 'Travel' + 'Equity' - supplements [19]

Hello there. I am new to Essay Forum and have been lurking , reading essays and giving critiques. I have a couple of supplement essays and I would love any form of critique of them. All opinions are welcome, harsh, moderate - I can take criticism. Also grammar help would be greatly appreciated. Here goes, these are my supplements for Lafayette College and Lehigh College respectively.

1. In 1777, at the age of 19, the Marquis de Lafayette left a life of privilege and prestige in France and sailed to America to fight for the American Revolution. His family motto guided his sense of adventure and reflects an attitude that pervades Lafayette College today: "Cur Non?" ("Why not?). Based on this motto, discuss a "Why not?" moment in your personal, academic, or social life. [1250 characters]

Grade ten marked the beginning of a new academic chapter as I was finally able to choose the subjects that I wanted to study. I soon realized that despite my tiny deliberation on the matter, I had chosen erroneously and had suffered the consequences of my rash decision. Subsequently, when it came to choosing subjects in grade twelve, I was profusely tentative. This time, I solicited the opinions of students who had already completed their first year of sixth form and could thoroughly advise me based on their experience. I was told that math is the hardest subject at the CAPE proficiency level and that failure is inevitable. When I heard this I was completely disheartened since maths is my favourite subject and I did not want a repeat of what happened the last time. Not one to shy away from challenges however, I decided to go for it. My risk paid off astronomically, as I am one of the few persons who, without taking extra classes managed to obtain a grade one (distinction) in CAPE Mathematics. Although it was not an effortless conquest, choosing math has been my most gratifying "Cur Non?" academic moment and has instilled in me an even deeper appreciation and love of advanced level mathematics.

2. Why are you interested in Lafayette? [500 characters]

I was instantly enthralled by the description a representative painted about Lafayette. After viewing virtual tours and images of the campus and its superb facilities I was elated that my expectations had been surpassed. Uncertain about my career, the remarkable liberal arts component and wide selection of academic courses and curricular activities appealed greatly to me. Additionally the intimate classroom setting and the authentic student relationships convinced me that Lafayette was for me.

1.What unique aspect of Lehigh most interests you? [1250 characters]

A particular desire of mine has always been to travel around the world to exciting places and to interact with people of different cultural persuasions. I am awfully curious to learn new and refreshing intakes on life as well as the fascinating cultural practices, traditions and languages of the myriads of civilizations that still exist in today's society. However I have always envisioned this project occurring later in my life after I have graduated from college but, as it turns out, it was closer to materializing than I could have ever anticipated. I was beyond ecstatic when I discovered that Lehigh has an annual International Week celebration where for a week I could 'travel' and experience a barrage of cultures during my four year stint at college. Additionally "The Bazaar" is coordinated where international culture and heritage (food, performances and traditional costumes) are displayed for everyone to enjoy. Every part of the campus from the dining halls to various organizations partakes in the festivity. I have garnered a high appreciation for sharing cultures as there is nowhere one can go without encountering diversification and I strongly believe that learning new cultures is a meaningful life experience.

2. In our ever-changing society, people have defined 'equity' and 'community' in many different ways. How do you define these terms and what are the implications of equity and community for our 21st society? [1250 characters]

Equity is the quality of being objective and impartial towards all involved parties in a situation regardless of personal biases. A community is a group of people who interact regularly, share a common culture and reside in a defined geographical area. As the 21st century tends towards capitalization, globalization and telecommunication, society is quick to assimilate, incorporating these practices in their everyday life. Nowadays there is significant importance on connections, 'it's not what you know, but who'. This new tradition of nepotism: favouring someone simply because of your relationship with them and not based off of merit, is exceedingly popular in the corporate world and education systems and, completely contradicts the concept of fair opportunities for everyone. Likewise, the term community has also changed drastically. Technology is used incessantly, lessening face-to-face interaction; communities are no longer based upon physical contact. As a result of the influence of capitalization, globalization and telecommunication, equity and community will soon be antiquated notions where the unfair treatment of certain members in society and face-to-face interaction between members in a community will deteriorate.

I know its a lot, I do not expect one person to criticize everything, but any help will do. Thanks for reading!
ZhoeK   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Blue, Gold, and FTR Spectrometers' - Why Notre Dame [5]

Hello there Kimberly.

I am not a professional editor but I'll give it a shot.

I like the basic drift of the essay, but I think you overuse 'it's' a lot in the first paragraph. I also agree with Agatha in regards to the heavy use of contractions.

It's the blue and gold that's splattered on the cheering faces of Notre Dame students as they wear "The Shirt" to the football games. It's the extensive alumni network and the trees the sweep the edges of the breathtaking grotto. It's reasons like these that further intensify my desire to attend Notre Dame.

How about:
It is the blue and gold paint splattered on the faces of students wearing "The Shirt" cheering wildly at football games, the extensive networks of alumni and, the verdant vegetation that sweep the edges of the breathtaking grotto, that have intensified my desire to attend Notre Dame.

in a setting that mirrors the setting of an experienced researcher's laboratory

Maybe:
in a setting that mirrors that of an experienced researcher's laboratory or in a setting that rivals an experienced researcher's laboratory.
(was sort of redundant)

I hope this helps.
ZhoeK   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'idyllic day by the lake' - - Emerson College Essay [7]

Hey Jerry.

I am not a professional editor, but here goes.
Firstly, just curious was this a real experience of yours?

I think I understand the concept, that despite the challenges and difficulties that life may throw at you, never give up.
Pretty descriptive, and as a story it is okay. Back to my first question, if it was a real experience because it sounds a little exaggerated/embellished at some points.

As I stared at the snake, curved up

Missing: As I stared at the snake, it curved up

Finally, I found a pathway; as I stepped onto the road, all my fears vanished.

Suggestion: Finally, I found a pathway and, as I stepped onto the road all my fears vanished!

I realized how life throws difficult tasks in front of me, but there are always a way out; this gives my life the title of "Never Give Up".

Suggestion: I realized in that moment that life may throw difficult tasks at me, but there will always be a way out. My life in summation: "Never Give Up".

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'communities of the modern era' - Lehigh University: equity and community [2]

Good day Theresa.

I think this is a very good supplement essay and I like the fact that you inter-correlated the definitions of equity and community to have one flowing and related essay.

I have no other corrections otherwise.

I am also applying to Lehigh and have also chosen this prompt, you could take a look at my version, though I don't believe its as interconnected nor eloquent as your was.

Hope this helps! Good job.
ZhoeK   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Muslims are kind people' - a perspective I will contribute to Rice [4]

I think you have answered the question well, and I agree partially with Vinson, only I think you should talk a little more on how your perspective of racism etc. will contribute to Rice.

Other things/mistakes I have noticed.

Also you should try to not use contractions as they detract a lot from essays.

September 11, 2011

I do not believe it's supposed to be 2011. I think it was 2009?

nothing, so I decided to

my mom and meI , so

I think it is supposed to be I, not particularly sure.

But instead of sadness, I began to feelfelt rage

I then did something I regret to this day.

awkwardly phrased.
ZhoeK   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Muslims are kind people' - a perspective I will contribute to Rice [4]

My internet crashed, so here's a continuation.

they did not even commit

I didn't know w hat I was saying or doing

Today, I dodge these bullets that people shoot at me. I don't let these bullets wound me-affect me. I am strong enough to handle this ignorance. I do not let their comments affect me.

The second sentence and the last sentence can be tied into one, seems pretty redundant to me. Maybe:
Today I dodge the bullets people shoot at me and I am strong enough to handle their ignorance. Neither do their bullets wound me nor do I give them the satisfaction of letting their comments bother me.

(the second sentence still sounds sort of awkward to me)

I'veI havecome to learnlearnt over the years that it is not what people call me, but whathow I respond to thatit that defines me as a person.

Today, I don't let stereotypes bring me down, insteadbut I do feel sorry for the people who let it cloud their judgment.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The Nerds' - USC Engineering Supplement [5]

Sarah and Christine practically said everything that I would have said in a nutshell. I loved your essay, it was fun, unique and witty and amazing. I think you answered the prompt excellently and it also reveals a lot about your own character.

I would love if you took a look at my essays, if you could.
ZhoeK   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / Stanford - "Intellectual Vitality." Writing about childhood experience with a globe. [4]

Hello Andrew

Brilliant! I absolutely cannot find a flaw with this essay, you have mastered the question in its entirety. You tied in the memory of the globe as a child fabulously with the question the prompt asked all while revealing interesting tidbits of your character throughout the course of the essay. The essay sounds realistic and down-to-earth.

My only critique really is not to use contractions as they make the essay less solid/detract from the essay. (in my opinion anyway)
Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a new academic chapter' + 'why Lafayette' + 'Travel' + 'Equity' - supplements [19]

Jerry

First of all thank you for your critique, I do agree with you and will try to incorporate more of the challenge into the essay.

Otherwise I am really psyched that its good to go!

Nishitha

Thank you also for taking the time to critique my essays!
I have made suitable corrections to the Lafayette supplement and am currently in the process of fixing the Lehigh one.
I sometimes use the thesaurus because I have a bad memory and I sometimes cant remember a particular word I am trying to find, but otherwise I stayed away from using it, wanting my essay to sound more natural. I actually knew the word stint without the aid of the thesaurus and I am quite shocked to hear that it isn't as common as I thought it was. I am going to try to simplify though and hopefully it'll sound more flowing.

Thanks a bunch guys!
ZhoeK   
Dec 20, 2011
Undergraduate / 'idyllic day by the lake' - - Emerson College Essay [7]

First take a deep breath and envision that same day. (well if you can) Remember the sights, smells and how you felt and write from your heart/gut. Generally try not to be too over the top with figures of speech, just write about the experience and how it made you realize that you should never give up.

Maybe a should use a work experience since you work a lot.
ZhoeK   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / "How can a Chinese boy play guitar" - Common Application [9]

Jessy

This was a really good and solid essay! It perfectly demonstrates your struggle with the piano and how it was not quite right for you. I loved the ending line very much, I think it closes this essay well. The uses of description and figures of speech were artfully incorporated and not overdone as I've seen. What was the prompt though?

I met an overwhelming chorus of objections.

Suggestion: I was overwhelmed with a chorus of objections.

That was my only edit really. Very well done.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the part we choose to act on' - BROWN: MOMENT WHEN PERSPECTIVE CHANGED [7]

Good Day Shubhangi,

There was a lot going on in your essay. A lot of quotes. Maybe this is just me, but I am not quite sure what your original perspective was and what changed about it and I am not sure how Harry Potter ties into it either. I do not think this is generic, and I think with some improvements and some changes that you can have a really good essay.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a new academic chapter' + 'why Lafayette' + 'Travel' + 'Equity' - supplements [19]

Elena

Thank you :)

I was thinking the same thing that the adcoms will be more understanding.

I am definitely going to re-do the first one. I agree that it is very impersonal, and the second time around I intend to rectify that.

Your advice has been very helpful.

I am glad you picked up on that from my second essay, that is exactly what I was trying to bring across. Yay!
I will surely comment on yours in turn!
ZhoeK   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / Introduce Yourself to Penn - TaCo Nickname [10]

Outstanding essay!

Every thing was tied together beautifully and it was very sincere.

Just a few grammar fixes:

with the discoveringdiscovery of TaCo

Who k new that some meat and a shell would be the source of a new me?

Hope this helps!
If you wouldn't mind could you take a look at my essays.
ZhoeK   
Dec 21, 2011
Undergraduate / Calculus-- What is your favorite class? [6]

Hehe, we meet again Brian.

I agree with Nicole in the sense that you shouldn't devote an entire paragraph to the teacher's style of teaching, more focus should be placed on why YOU love CALCULUS.

So if there is any special reason, maybe it challenges you, it tickles your interest - whatever you can elaborate on that more. Otherwise I think it was a good essay just delve deeper into the meat of the

matter & it'll be even better!

During a typical day in Calculus, I have a puzzled look on my face and I'm more than likely ripping my hair out, but somehow, I enjoy the challenge.

Suggestion: A typical day of Calculus would entail me ripping out my hair with that puzzled look on my face. But somehow, I enjoyed the challenge that Calculus posed.

Hope this helps & thanks for the critique!
ZhoeK   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'travel to anywhere I want' - Extracurricular Essay [25]

Thanks for stopping by. I would like feedback on my extracurricular activity essay for the Common App. on content, readability and grammar.
Not sure if the prompt was sufficiently answered and if the last sentence is effective or not. Any help will be appreciated.
I will critique your essays if you would like. Just indicate.

PROMPT:Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below [1000 characters]

I am able to travel to anywhere I want, within the blink of an eye. Preposterous some might think, but I can visit the grassy highlands of Scotland, the bustling streets of England, the dense jungles of Cambodia, the sub-zero mountain ranges of Antarctica, and even Olympus (the home of the Greek Gods) or, if I am feeling particularly devilish, I can pop into the Underworld and see what mischief Hades and Persephone are stirring up -all without leaving the comforts of my bed. My travels are not restricted to the latitudinal and longitudinal coordinates found on a map, instead extend to dimensions that are otherwise impossible to locate. Reading, to me is more than just skimming over the words on a page or a hobby. Books are the primary means through which I discover unchartered territory, fall in love with spellbinding characters, all while experiencing their adventures and adversities firsthand. I am an avid reader and my eyes greedily consume the material of any novel within my reach.
ZhoeK   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / St. Olaf Essay: Design a course of your own [2]

Le Hai

Interesting course idea. Overall your essay was okay.
Your introductory sentence was a little flat, especially the first sentenced that was just a regurgitation of the question.

Suggestion: "Genius is 1% talent and 99% hard work". Many talented persons achieve nothing significant because they do not put enough effort into their plans. If everyone on this planet was determined and worked harder, humanity could possibly have gone much further than it has today. Enter Determination, the topic of my Interim and my motivation to acquire in-depth knowledge about resolution and how it can improve the community. The course would be a combination of Neurology, Psychology, Sociology and Philosophy.

Not sure if the example was pertinent or well linked to the essay also it sounds abrupt.

Hope this helps!
If you wouldn't mind could you take a look at my Gambling Lafayette Supplement. Thanks!
ZhoeK   
Dec 22, 2011
Grammar, Usage / (Can't they still be influential in their absence?) - help with word choice [4]

Taylor

My sisters' support, although precious, was no longer enough; it was my turn to be my own motivation -to be my own spirit.

I don't think this sounds any better, but maybe it would be easier if we had the rest of the essay to get a better feel of what you are trying to say.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the piano for the freedom' - Commonapp: Elaboration activities [3]

Kel-Vin

I enjoy playing the piano forbecause of the freedom it allowsed me. Throughout thea piece, I can experiment with the little nuances that shape each phrase or the effects created by pedalling, while still remaining faithful to the characterintegrity (suggestion) of the music. As my fingers dance on the keyboard, my emotions rise to the surface as I live out the story of the piece in my imagination. It is during these moments whenthat I feel completely free from any burdens that might plagued me.and allows me to reflect and think calmly.I am also able to reflect and think calmly.(think calmly still sound pretty awkward to me) When I was younger, I used to loathed the endless hours of practice I had to endure . But now, I enjoy putting in the extra effort for thatan upcoming performance. Indirectly,mM y approach to music has translated in to other aspects of my daily life, and has benefited me. I believe that I am a more creative and disciplined person today, and I have music to thank for that .

Overall a nice essay.
Hope this helps!
& if you wouldn't mind could you take a look at my Gambling Lafayette Supplement. Thanks!
ZhoeK   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Scars become scabs' -Commonapp Main Essay [6]

At first I could not see where this was going, but I rather liked the last two paragraphs and the message. The last sentence was pretty good (took me a while but when I got it it was impacting). What is the topic of this essay? I feel like you can spend less time about the scab and put a little more oomph in the earlier body of the essay and that that would make it a better one. The hint of humour at the beginning of the second to last paragraph was a nice touch.

Hope this helps!
& if you wouldn't mind, maybe you could take a look at my Gambling Lafayette Supplement. Thanks!
ZhoeK   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'My Inspiration' - Cornell Essay College of Arts and Sciences [8]

Armaan

Masterfully written! Everything fits, and your ending was excellent - going back to the dive - I LOVED it. Your use of figures of speech was not overdone but rather just the right amounts at the right places. What can I say, I cannot find anything wrong.

I aspire to becomingbecome a surgeon at Mayo

The College of Arts and Sciences is a dream come true for a student like myself.

Hope this helps & I would love it if you could critique any of my essays!
ZhoeK   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a much more exciting social world' - common app essay [3]

I think this is a really great essay, it shows how you overcame your fears and challenges over the 3 year span while displaying little tidbits about your personality and interests without being obvious. The use of figures of speech is nicely done as well. The experience is very realistic and does not sound contrived and I think the admissions officers will be just delighted and drawn in as I was with your success. I can't find any grammar mistakes so I'll rap up by saying you did a bloody good job!

Hope this helps!
& if you wouldn't mind checking out one of my essays I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
ZhoeK   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'travel to anywhere I want' - Extracurricular Essay [25]

Mhmmmm, well I did some research and reading (and practically anything else) can be classified as an extracurricular as long as its something your passionate about and its beneficial to others. So I will again spruce up my response just to highlight that reading not only benefits me, but also my friends - like Lynne mentioned.

I want to thank you all for your opinions and compliments, I really do appreciate them and if anyone needs help I'll be glad to!
ZhoeK   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a new academic chapter' + 'why Lafayette' + 'Travel' + 'Equity' - supplements [19]

Tweaked Some More - Why Lafayette: Gambling Essay. Feedback required!

I am addicted to gambling. The higher the stakes, the sweeter the win! Slot machines and poker chips however, were not the kind of gambling that got my blood boiling; taking risks were. The Cur Non spirit of Lafayette encourages students to take risks and create their own destiny. My first gamble at Lafayette will be choosing a major but I am not worried. I am a seasoned gambler and with my ability to analyze a risk and rack up substantial winnings, I bet my time at Lafayette will be rewarding.

Thank you kt94, I have revised again taking into consideration what you said and viola.
ZhoeK   
Dec 22, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a new academic chapter' + 'why Lafayette' + 'Travel' + 'Equity' - supplements [19]

Tweaked Gambling.

I am addicted to gambling. The higher the stakes, the sweeter the win! Slot machines and poker chips however, were not the kind of gambling that got my blood boiling; taking risks were. The Cur Non spirit of Lafayette encourages students to take risks and create their own destiny. My first gamble at Lafayette will be choosing a major but I am not worried. I am a seasoned gambler and with my ability to analyze a risk and make informed decisions, I bet my time at Lafayette will be very rewarding.

Hurray, I am glad that you picked up on the pun.

Point taken kt94 I will make that change. Ahh, I really wish I could add more, but I am up to 500 words exactly and it would be really difficult to add in another particular attraction, even though I have several other reasons why I love Lafayette (tis my first choice). I could try but it would be quite a task and I would end up getting rid of another sentence..
ZhoeK   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'First, you can relax' - Stanford Roommate Essay [7]

Hello there Pooreum

I liked your essay. It was genuine and revealed a lot about you with a touch of humour here and there that was neither overdone or cheesy.. I like the touch at the end about minimum tolerance, thought that was a nice unique touch (I've read so many Standford Roomate Essays). Good job, I don't recall any alarming grammar mistakes, but I'm probably too tired to notice, so I'll take a look on the morrow. Overall lovely.

Hope this helps!
ZhoeK   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / Personal Essay "Nomad", topic of your choice [8]

Hello Wya

This was a wonderful essay. It shows so many things, your growth and maturity, how you assimilated to moving and submerging yourself into new cultures and also your hobbies and activities that you've participated in - without being obvious. I agree with the other comments in that you can provide a little more explanation/elaboration for the conclusion, but other than that I see no grammar that needs to be corrected (except probably taking out those contractions - but that's probably just me). Good essay!

Eh I couldn't help it.

It was thethat moment my five-year-old self understood the finality of my departure, and just how much I was leaving behind.

ZhoeK   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / I'd rather remain a chicken-hearted boy - common app activities essay [4]

Jonjo

Suggestion: When a fight broke out, I would always flee. They occurred quite frequently at my middle school: fights among schools, (I'm not sure what you saying here though) over choosing a leader, during games, (maybe you could mention a particular game/sport here) -and most of all, over girls. Since my stature is relatively smaller than most students, I preferred to settle arguments through peaceful means. But in the end, boys will boys and fistfights are inevitable. Fed up with being called chickenhearted, (is hearted a word? not sure, or is chickenhearted an expression?) I decided to take matters into my own hands and take Taekwondo courses. Through consistent training, I improved, and even won a medal at a National Taekwondo Championship. Taekwondo has helped me to develop physically but it also, completely changed my perspective of fighting. Now that I knew how to felt to being beaten despite my ability to fight, I was unwilling use the techniques that I had learned to inflict harm to others. Instead I opted to remain the chickenhearted boy who sought amicable methods to win a fight.

I think you have a basically good essay sketch right here though they were a lot of grammar issues. I have given my suggestion so, hope this helps!

Sorry if I pushed you over the word limit.
ZhoeK   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'immigrant parents in the US' - Pennsylvania(150 words max); Describe yourself [3]

Rohith

has caused me to becomefosteredinterestedmy interest in the rest of the world.

As a result,I n addition to taking French at school and being able to fluently speak two Indian languages, I have been learning Swedish and Dutch. I also take uphave also developed an interest in international issues and follow the actions of the United Nations very closely as well.

Oh I like your concluding sentence: nice touch there. Overall this was a nice and delightful read, I believe you were focusing on how diverse you are & your interest, which describes you well. Nice work!

Hope this helps!

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