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Posts by zowzow
Joined: Dec 14, 2008
Last Post: Aug 23, 2010
Threads: 10
Posts: 174  
From: Zimbabwe

Displayed posts: 184 / page 1 of 5
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zowzow   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / "Can I get a packet of cigarettes?" - common apps short answer [5]

hey just wrote this one up
took me two days lol

the ending is a bit awkward and i might need to fix that
any critique would be helpful thanks!

its the common apps question elaborate on one of your activities

"Can I get a packet of cigarettes?"

I was merely 13 when I asked nervously to a baffled shopkeeper who began questioning my age. He did not know that the cigarettes were not for myself but rather for my work. I was a part of a surveillance team in my local health department; my task was to attempt to purchase cigarettes from a range of retailers. When I was successful with a purchase, a health officer would serve the retailer with a warning. A second time meant a prosecution. The work was a considerable challenge, requiring utmost honesty (I was not to deceive the seller) but also an immense amount of courage, which made it particularly harder for an introvert like myself. However, ever since my first purchase, the work became increasingly comfortable and I gradually became more self-confident. Although this was of a great financial benefit, ($40 for 2-3 hours of work. Not bad for a 7th grader!) I found great joy and gained emotional maturity. But most of all, I don't get nervous talking to shopkeepers anymore.
zowzow   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / Admission Essay about tearing my ACL [5]

hey I'm not very good at this whole essay business so I can't help you much
but I notice couple of things that could be improved/removed

"tendons in the knee, while skiing. When I tore these tendons, it was one of the most stressful times of my life." I think the bold bits are kind of repetitive so you can remove these

and i think you can remove "
In closing, I learned a lot from what was a really frightening and stressful time. Including weighing out risk versus reward, and patience." The bold bits again are not needed

that was it from a quick glance but also not intending any offence, but this essay sounds a lot pessimistic? It may be better off describing the negatives but ending with more optimistic view of the whole situation? i'm not so sure

anyway hope this helps you
sorry I couldn't do more for ya
zowzow   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / Short answer essay questions (yoga, tennis) [5]

how short do these have to be?

for the first one i don't think you really answered the question. slightly but not exactly

second one? you could remove the words on a free afternoon since its just repeating the question

and the last one i think is fine

:)
zowzow   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / Tennis: On and Off the Court (an extracurricular activity essay) [8]

hey just something i spotted

As captain, I demonstrate my leadership abilities and try to inspire my teammates to have the same passion I feel.

this sentence is present tense instead of past tense?
depends on what your trying to achieve i guess
zowzow   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / Tennis: On and Off the Court (an extracurricular activity essay) [8]

yeah its pretty good I just think it can be a bit easily confusing with all the sudden tense changes or maybe its just me

just a small thing As a captain

and maybe in that sentence you could apply the continuing present tense instead?

I continue to demonstrate my leadership...

like something along those lines
I just think going from past tense straght to present tense might make the admission guys think that you made a mistake and didn't correct it sort of. I hope I'm making sense with this but I just think that sentence tripped me over.
zowzow   
Dec 14, 2008
Undergraduate / "photographs" & their benefits / Significant Experience [9]

Its a common apps essay
although I'm not entirely sure which category it would fit

evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you?

or topic of your choice?

I just wrote this one up in 3 hours so its pretty basic
so sorry about the grammer and stuff in advance. Any corrections/advice would be helpful!

Thanks a lot!

"Smile!" Another 5 seconds of holding a fake smile and another photograph taken in front of this hideous statue. I never understood my mother's philosophy of photo taking. Sure, I recognize the value of taking a photograph of the picturesque view at the top of a mountain, but why of this hideous statue on the sidewalk? Is it really worth the effort of all of us standing side-by-side, forcing superficial smiles until she is satisfied with the result? Believe me, I would not be complaining with one photograph. But she has to take a second one with us in different positions and with bigger smiles and a third one just in case the first two somehow do not make it. Soon enough, our cheeks begin to hurt and we start to ignore our mother's calls to stop for, you guessed it, yet another photograph.

In Korea though, I could deal with it because it was the norm. Everybody took photographs everywhere and of anything. So there was no real embarrassment if you stopped in the middle of a busy street and decided that it was time for another photograph.

Things changed however, when we moved to Australia. As a part of a minority in this foreign society, every trip outdoors was filled with painful minutes of being self-conscious for this very shy boy. So you can imagine the humiliation and discomfort I would have to overcome as more people gave me 'the look' while I was posing for a photograph in front of an ordinary supermarket. I tried to argue with my mother that it is not normal for us to be stopping for photographs at every opportunity; that we do not have to take the camera with us everywhere we go because it is not the norm here. I was simply afraid of being dissimilar and wanted to fit into the Australian way of life.

Two years later, I went back to Korea for a holiday. I was keen because it was my first time going back since leaving for Australia, but I never thought I would encounter such a shock. One afternoon, as I was strolling down a street, a group of teenage girls was walking towards me, conversing very loudly. As they walked by me in mass, I was confused because the girls looked exactly alike. They all had the same haircuts and the same clothing! This was completely contrary to Australian teenagers who tried their best to look as much unique as possible. It was slightly amusing, but I took little notice of it. A Few days later, I visited a popular street for young Koreans. Here I was stunned. Once more, everyone had the matching hairstyles, the similar fashion and the same looks. I saw one person and soon saw another and another that looked exactly identical as the former. This was the Korean way of life. Everyone must follow everyone else. Everybody wanted to look different but they were in fact, ironically, afraid of "catching someone's eyes." It was rather comical that everyone looked similar. But at the same time, I had a frightening thought that had I continued to live in Korea, I would lose my identity just like them. I believed that I had escaped such conformity by moving to Australia.

What I did not realise was that I still was one of them.

One day, back in Australia, my group of friends began talking about a party from few years ago. I nodded in agreement but I could not remember the event at all. Slightly puzzled at this lack of memory, I found a handful amount of photographs I had taken over the years. I was bewildered when they triggered old memories that I thought were lost forever. I remembered the party and understood what they were talking about. Suddenly I wished I had listened to my mother more. I wish I had taken more photographs with my friends. But as I pondered more deeply, to my horror, I realised that I was a victim of outright conformity. I was scared of looking different and attracting people's attention. It was me who was in fact afraid of "catching someone's eyes."

My attitude changed. I began to follow my own senses and feelings. I no longer wanted to become a lawyer or a doctor because everybody else wanted to or told me to. I was no longer afraid of the fact that I was different. I wanted to follow my heart.

When senior years began at high school, I was no longer the quiet Korean boy at the back of the class. I got involved at every opportunity possible. I tried out for the leadership team, became the assistant coach for a rugby team and represented the whole school in Singapore and Melbourne. I was no longer a spectator but the main actor. I took control of my own life and I loved every minute of it.

I don't want to be one of them. I want to be myself. For the camera though? It's always here with me.
zowzow   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / "photographs" & their benefits / Significant Experience [9]

reivised version

REMOVED

haha sorry i put up the revised version without seeing your comments

thanks but I won't be sending the old one, I think the new one has more focus and more of an idea.

my unis? Tufts, George Washington, American, Clark, U of Richmond and Canisius
zowzow   
Dec 15, 2008
Undergraduate / "photographs" & their benefits / Significant Experience [9]

hey thanks a lot lol
yeah even as I finished this essay and we went out for dinner
mum still had a camera with her and well, we ended up posing for some more lol

and about the correction - that was the first version which i cut and made into the second one so don't worry about that

thanks anyway though!

I'm glad you like it though

I thought of the idea 2am last night and finished it 5pm today
i did sleep in between though lol

i really like it too and hopefully i'll get in somewhere with this :)
zowzow   
Dec 16, 2008
Writing Feedback / Multilateral Aid is like water; it can float a boat but it can also sink a boat. [5]

i'm sorry but is this for a university application?

if so - two problems

one its too long - 2000 words are far too many

and two, I don't know what the question was but this is like a research paper not a college essay.

the colleges want to know about you not about Multilateral Aid

and if this isn't for a college then you obviously put this in the wrong place
zowzow   
Dec 16, 2008
Undergraduate / "the sight of gold" - one extracurricular activity (150 words) LIFE [5]

you don't have to make it below 150 words
common apps will accept forms up to around 170 words i think
and if you're sending it in via paper version then you can get away with it even more because they don't count the number of words
zowzow   
Dec 18, 2008
Undergraduate / Campus / Let love speak - Tufts Supplements [9]

admissions.tufts.edu/?pid=203

i'm not sure what the maximum is but it says here 50 words
so i'm not so sure lol

thanks will need it!
zowzow   
Dec 20, 2008
Undergraduate / "I have less than superb stats" - my common app essay, need advice! [5]

I'm sorry but I got confused a lot in that essay
i'm not sure writing your sats and gpas are a good idea
afterall they can see the stats for themselves elsewhere
i think there could be other ways of hinting at the fact that you may not have the best scores but you can still do your best, rather than just plainly stating the fact.

Also your introduction is a bit too wordy? too many sat words i think
And it doesn't seem to tell us a lot about yourself other than your results

but it is an interesting essay and if you do it write it could be very effective
zowzow   
Dec 20, 2008
Writing Feedback / Duality of good and evil essay [5]

just a question
do you think having all the quote there are necessary? i mean they seem a bit too long and you don't want to lose the admission people's attention

and the essay is good but don't you want to talk more about yourself other than your own philosophy?
zowzow   
Dec 20, 2008
Undergraduate / "family of three people" is the world I came from - Computer Science - UVA [4]

just a couple of grammer/spelling/awkward sentences

on me, which made me decide to choose Computer Science

and of course, practicing.

and (no need for this and) imitated him using the computer, such

Windows System, which is much easier for me.

Sometimes I would like (get rid of this) to dismantle

and so on
this is just from the first paragraph
just review it more and correct more small errors such as these
zowzow   
Dec 23, 2008
Undergraduate / Discussion: Candid or Safe? [3]

i just find it easier with the candid view
just talking about myself and my own experiences made my essays flow better and somewhat easier to write than if i was making it up
zowzow   
Dec 23, 2008
Undergraduate / why xxx university? [3]

for a person whos never visited a univeristy or even set foot in america
how do i write these sort of essays? (i have 3 of these to write)
like sure i can talk about their department and stuff but should i talk something about since i've never been before i may not know or not inspired as much as others are about certain universities?

in general, any tips to write such essays? thanks!
zowzow   
Dec 23, 2008
Undergraduate / Essay about myself.... in 3rd eyes... [4]

good idea for the essay but there are quite a lot of grammer errors
the tenses change back and forth too many times. try to keep it present or past - but at your style of writing, present seems like a better idea

and i don't know the word limits for this essay but it seems a bit too long. unnecessary information at times i thought
zowzow   
Dec 25, 2008
Undergraduate / "It is hard for an empty bag to stand upright." - Benjamin Franklin quote [7]

well you must remember that this is not your ordinary high school essay on benjamin franklin. I'd spend a paragraph maybe describing what he did and stuff because most of the admissions officers will know who this guy is (well i hope they do)

but you must base most of your essays on yourself. You don't want to waste an opportunity of finally expressing yourself and giving life to those sat results and stuff by describing someone else not you.

rather describe an aspect of his life/philosophy and describe how this impacted you. make the focus you not mr franklin. It is not enough to just say he was my inspiration. How? Why? What did this inspiration lead you to?

your writing style is good and you grammer is solid so I don't think you need to worry abou that.
zowzow   
Dec 25, 2008
Undergraduate / CommonApp Short Answer: elaborate on one of your activities [11]

lol nothings perfect for the very prestigious schools
and your activity isn't all that flashy. Its just organising shirts and pies.
i'd try to make it more interesting. More adjectives and stuff.
but your grammer is strong so thats good
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / Global warming. Stanford essay. Solution? 'Working together as a society' [4]

you need to talk about yourself and how this impacted on you
your arguments good but you need to focus this essay on yourself more. The rhetorical questions are good but not as effective as it could be. It is a little bit cliched.

read the prompt carefully - it says - "and its importance to you."

how is this important to you, how much important, why? etc etc
remember that this is not a high school report on global warming but rather an opportunity to talk to potential universities about an issue and why it is important to you. Sorry if i'm sounding repetitive but you get the point?
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / 'disciplinary lessons' - Tufts - Short Answer [6]

It might be better off if you decide to talk about a specific instance instead of such generalised comment? like give examples of where you learnt to be respectful towards elders, being polite and things like that isntead of listing the things you have learnt.
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / 'famous for its English and Humanities' - Why Hamilton College? [3]

some awkward choices or words/sentences there

If I can be luckily enrolled in Hamilton

I don't think luckily should be used there, it promotes wrong values. Like you're not qualified enough but if the admissions officers are stupid enough to enroll you sort of thing.

As far as I know, this sort of connections are not very good either. Be more specific.

and the last sentence is too long. separate it if you can.

you generally seem to use a lot of commas. Maybe you should use more full stops or connecting words instead of using them so much.

your content is good though so just work on it a bit more!
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / "My vacation of 2007" - Princeton Supplemental Essay [8]

others' businesses (needed to match the subject by being plural)

They were all here to preach the religion and to help the society.

as Pyramus said, you still have frequent grammar errors

they said (its past here)to me, "You will be blessed with what you did." That moment, it seems (here it is present) to me, that I am about to ingress a new phase of life.

you need to go over the essay carefully and adjust these tense errors. these are the most frequent, easily made errors in the essay process as you need to keep it either present or past. (or if you're a great writer like Shakespeare, you don't need to)

I can't (separate them. cannot is more formal) say

and also your essay is a bit, a tiny bit too long. I mean your essay is great and intersting but still 1000 words for a suppliment essay describing your extracuricular activities is too much I think. Though I could be wrong and Prinston may want 1000 word essays.

:)
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / first moments teaching - Common App Essay - A story (Topic of Choice) [5]

well I guess you could start by reducing the quotes. It seems to me that you're analysing your speech rather than using your speech as a method of telling us about yourself. Its great that you're trying to show how you have grown through the telling of your speech you seem to be describing awful a lot about what happened in general. The events and actions etc rather than focusing on your growth and things like that. The only evaluation it seems is in the last 100 words.

So i would cut down on the speech quotes and expansion/explanations on those quotes. summarise the events and write more on the impacts on you and how you have changed etc.

:)
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / MIT (Short Activity Essay) RUNNING! [4]

great essay but you can shorten it by removing the repetiveness at the start.

I am a runner. I do not walk or jog. I run.

can be cut down to I run. or something along those lines. Short but with more impact.

if the promt asked you for 100 then around 120 is the max limit usually. I don't think you can get away with 166. It is a pity though becuase its a great short essay.

maybe you can remove this bit

Running was also a faithful friend who helped me through my grandfather's death and my parent's divorce.

i don't think its that necessary in your essay

:)
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / why tufts? need to know if its specific enough [10]

Why Tufts? (500 letters)

As I began my search on the Internet for a university in a country I have never visited before, my expectations were simple. Decent international relations department, East Coast location and size big enough for diversity but small enough for engaging class discussions. Tufts satisfied my expectations and more. Staffs were easily accessible through emails, the homepage was simple yet informative and alumni's comments were nothing but full of praises. This "globally-recognized" university surprised me by making my heart yearn to begin my next chapter of life at Tufts University.

Now I just need to know if this is what everyone says is needed for why us essays.
Is this specific enough? I mean these are the reasons why I want to go to this school wholeheartedly but it seems to be too general.

and again, the last sentence needs some work

thanks!
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / why tufts? need to know if its specific enough [10]

thats why i needed to know if its specific enough. and for internationals like me, second hand opinions and experiences are the only way to see what universities are good for me.

how else would i find out if a uni is a good fit or not?

and yes i hate "why us" questions.
zowzow   
Dec 26, 2008
Undergraduate / why tufts? need to know if its specific enough [10]

thanks heaps guys!
I feel that SAT CR section is much easier than this "why us" questions. Its very hard to sound absolutely passionate like some of the others I have read. I'll fix it up and post it again!

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