Kondite
Nov 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Taiwan had been a dream come true; accomplishment or event, formal or informal [5]
I love your story but I have highlighted some areas to improve. The words highlighted in red are those that seemed kinda forced and seemed awkward. Change the words into simpler terms so that your sentences flow smoothly. The sentences highlighted in blue are those that were vague and not understandable. "Taiwan" cannot be a dream come true but "Coming to Taiwan" can. I also could not understand what you meant by "I was a questioning child no longer." Reorganize your words so that your sentence is clearer. Finally, try to emphasize more on how you changed from a child to an adult. If I read this without the essay prompt, I would not have known what it was trying to answer. These are areas that I felt needed some improvement but this is your essay and it is your obligation whether or not to change them.
I love your story but I have highlighted some areas to improve. The words highlighted in red are those that seemed kinda forced and seemed awkward. Change the words into simpler terms so that your sentences flow smoothly. The sentences highlighted in blue are those that were vague and not understandable. "Taiwan" cannot be a dream come true but "Coming to Taiwan" can. I also could not understand what you meant by "I was a questioning child no longer." Reorganize your words so that your sentence is clearer. Finally, try to emphasize more on how you changed from a child to an adult. If I read this without the essay prompt, I would not have known what it was trying to answer. These are areas that I felt needed some improvement but this is your essay and it is your obligation whether or not to change them.