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Posts by Kondite
Name: CL
Joined: Nov 26, 2013
Last Post: Jan 1, 2014
Threads: -
Posts: 44  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 44 / page 1 of 2
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Kondite   
Nov 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Taiwan had been a dream come true; accomplishment or event, formal or informal [5]

I love your story but I have highlighted some areas to improve. The words highlighted in red are those that seemed kinda forced and seemed awkward. Change the words into simpler terms so that your sentences flow smoothly. The sentences highlighted in blue are those that were vague and not understandable. "Taiwan" cannot be a dream come true but "Coming to Taiwan" can. I also could not understand what you meant by "I was a questioning child no longer." Reorganize your words so that your sentence is clearer. Finally, try to emphasize more on how you changed from a child to an adult. If I read this without the essay prompt, I would not have known what it was trying to answer. These are areas that I felt needed some improvement but this is your essay and it is your obligation whether or not to change them.
Kondite   
Nov 26, 2013
Undergraduate / "Mental Transformation" - UC; World I come from [5]

I come from a family with a long history of shortened and undersized education. Both of my parents were born into large families in which they were frequently told that college wasn't a high life priority.Both of my parents, who were frequently told that college wasn't a high priority, were born into large families. They went through high school with no intent of continuing their education after graduating because of harsh financial issues and the lack of encouragement. Subsequently, they had no one to look up to as a role model,and no one to compel them forward.

As a potential first generation college student, I want to put an end to the common notion ofthatbelievingthat pursuing further and higher education isn't a big deal. Although, I must admit,that I didn't always have the desire to do so (vague ).
During my 9th and 10th grades of my high school career, I constantly neglected my parent's pleads on the significance of attaining a college education,.lackedLacking ambition, andI wasn't driven by thevigor (use a different word ) that could ultimately get me there. I was just going through the motions of high school with an impassive sense of care for the future. The entirety (use a different word ) of college didn't seem to allure me into a phase of motivation that could enable me to chase after it.
Needless to say, I wasn't going anywhere in life with mythis state of mind.
Then alas, in the midst of nothing, something clicked. Something nothing short of an epiphany; , something had finally caught up to me and truly broadened the views of my future college endeavors. Not only did my thoughts of college change, but my perspective of life as well. A strong interest in anything that had to do with learning was evoked from deep within me. I can now confidently say that my intellectual vision is cleared up and unobstructed by thoughts of apathy and laziness.
During the process of this mental transformation, I created an entirelychanged to a new me. I changed my overall image by altering the way I spoke with my peers, carried myself (??? ), and lived my life;, all for the better.
Hoping to make up for the inadequate effort exhibited by myin 9th and 10th grade selves, I immediately began to apply myself (??? ). I enrolled myself in classes that I knew would be academically challenging, and I made it my goal to pass them. I plan on continuing thisto continue m y robust academic life style and know that one day that success will overshadow the isolated moments of self doubt.
Till this day, I can't quite put my finger on what it was that helped me get my act together, but I thank God for allowing itme to ultimately renovate (???/renovate like remodeling? ) the path I was taking in life.

Because you are a first generation student, I have edited your essay in depth. Because my edits may not be the most thorough, go over your essay with your teachers and peers. Here is a suggestion: Instead of pondering what that "something" was, you gotta find what made you click. Go more into that "something" that changed who you were. If you can incorporate it, it will make your essay 1000 times stronger.
Kondite   
Nov 26, 2013
Undergraduate / We are always changing; UC Prompt 1: Never give up. [4]

Here are some of my suggestions:
Try not to talk about your grades in your essay and your third paragraph belongs in the extra comments section of the UC application. Elaborate more on your past and current community. Your last paragraph is too short and you can write more on how your community has shaped you. Lastly, get your essay checked by your english teacher because you made a lot of grammatical mistakes in your essay. If I were you, I would completely rewrite this essay if you are aiming for the top UCs.
Kondite   
Nov 26, 2013
Undergraduate / 'Abundance / Scarcity' - UC Application Essay #1: "Two Worlds" [6]

I have added some short comments next to some of the sentences. I might be a little harsh but this is for your benefit. Did you know that the stock market faltered a little in 2008 but now is in its peak? A small stock market crash could not have ruined your family fortunes. To be honest, you sound like you depend on money to succeed. There's a lot of students, ESPECIALLY IN UCs, from low income families that achieve straight As and excel in sports. This essay tells me that you and your family are materialistic. Not to be harsh but I would completely rewrite this essay. Also, have a teacher go over the grammatical errors in this essay.
Kondite   
Nov 26, 2013
Undergraduate / Fatal Melancholy of Winter: Common App Essay [5]

Your essay is more fitting to the background or story question. I got confused from your second to third paragraph. So your father screamed, "surprise" but then your mother cried because of his death? Write about your father's death in the beginning of your third paragraph. I didn't know what happened to your father until your second to last paragraph. Also, don't forget to have your grammatical errors fixed by your teachers!
Kondite   
Nov 28, 2013
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: "Living Online"; world you come from [4]

One error that I found was "mum." I would be safe and change it into American english: "mom." Overall, your essay seems to be free of any grammatical errors. Your essay flows very smoothly and answers the question beautifully. It's unique and bold to write about your "community." Good luck on your application!
Kondite   
Nov 28, 2013
Undergraduate / I fell in love with the campus at CMU ; Carnegie Mellon Admissions Essay [8]

I enjoyed reading your essay and I can feel your interest in design. My suggestion for your essay would be to start and end your supplement with a story instead of ending your story in the first paragraph. Elaborate more on your last paragraph or just add your last sentence into the paragraph before it.
Kondite   
Nov 28, 2013
Undergraduate / Frustrations with an internship. UC prompt #2 Describe an experience. [4]

To make your essay more effective, elaborate on this sentence ("I am no longer that money-driven child who prioritized income over passion.") in the beginning of your essay so that at the end of your essay, it feels like you have changed for the better. Overall, it tells what you did in and what you learned from your internship.
Kondite   
Nov 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / 'Our lives and modern inventions' - SAT essay [3]

If you wrote this essay in your SAT, your score will be 7 or 8. To achieve double digit scores, you have to incorporate several SAT words. Even if you wrote this essay but changed some words into SAT words, you will receive at least a 9. Your lack of transitions make your essay very choppy. Improve on adding transitions from idea to idea or paragraph to paragraph.
Kondite   
Nov 28, 2013
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: "Living Online"; world you come from [4]

Yeah, internet is a risky topic. In the beginning of your essay, I sensed that you were one of the many anti-social hermits that apply but as I continued to read further, your passions for writing showed. Depending on the admission officer, some will view this negatively and others will view this positively. Maybe deleting this sentence (I'm not ashamed to say that I've met people online whose friendship I value even more than those in my real life.) would be a safer route.
Kondite   
Nov 29, 2013
Undergraduate / I aspired to become a Film Producer. Academic Interest - USC short essay [3]

Elaborate on how your antique searching relates to your interests in film production. In my opinion, writing an anecdote about your accomplishments or experiences in film will make the essay more appropriate. Also I got confused when you mentioned business. Are you going to major in business and film production? Make your expressions clearer so that the readers can understand your interests.
Kondite   
Nov 29, 2013
Undergraduate / "The Bull Within Me" - UC Prompt #2 [4]

So... Are you trying to write about your accomplishments in dance or your accomplishment in overcoming your disability? Reading the first paragraph, it seemed like you were setting up your essay to write about your accomplishments in dance. Try editing your first paragraph so that it mentions your disability instead of the dance competition. This essay shows what you had to overcome but I'm kind if on the fence whether or not this essay would be better for the part where you write about your disability.
Kondite   
Nov 29, 2013
Undergraduate / Syracuse - writing supplements - Short Answers 'my mother, Millicent, is my idol' [2]

In your first paragraph of the first prompt, you should specify who had encouraged you to apply to the specific university instead of saying that your family has influenced to follow the best of opportunities. For your third prompt, write about a skill or knowledge that you have gained. You wrote mainly about your experiences and reactions. Your other essays seem fine. Also, reread your essays and fix some sentences with any grammatical errors and make some of them more understandable.
Kondite   
Nov 29, 2013
Undergraduate / My journey through high school was a tough one; Personal quality, experience ..... [3]

Reading your essay, the topic seemed too general and mundane. You are applying to UC Berkeley so in my opinion this essay wouldn't benefit you in any way. To make your essay more effective, you have to specify on what leadership roles you have taken and elaborate on your roles. I really didn't feel like you had a big impact in activities that you managed. Every students applying has stellar academics and extracurriculars so I wouldn't mention it in your first paragraph. If you can fix these problems, i have no doubt that your essay will be superb.
Kondite   
Nov 29, 2013
Undergraduate / My Mechanical Engineering World; UC - World I come from [10]

You can trim the end of your first paragraph about your likes. Just focus on your engineering interest. When you list the chemicals for your rocket, i don't think you need to be that specific. Admission officers won't know what they are and would care less about what you need to shoot rockets. I dom't know how many words you need it shortened down to so this is all I can contribute.
Kondite   
Nov 29, 2013
Undergraduate / UC Personal Statement Essay-The Willpower to Suceed [5]

I think that you should include a story about you valuing the quality of effort when you were in high school. You wrote about when you were in elementary and middle school but not in high school. Elaborate on how you used your determination to succeed in high school. Don't forget to reread your essay for any grammatical errors.
Kondite   
Dec 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Why attend Georgia Tech? I will meet the ebullient bee community [10]

You answer why you want to go to Gtech but you don't clearly answer what you can contribute to the community. If you have more room for words, elaborate on how you can contribute or if you don't have room delete everything after "Tough" and elaborate. You have a problem with your parallelism in "doing their research to traching" which should be "researching and teaching." You should also delete "and be" after "teaching."
Kondite   
Dec 3, 2013
Undergraduate / I was fascinated by how the Xbox Kinect worked; UMich: Curriculum support my interest [2]

I would suggest that you rewrite your essay to emphasize more on the school. You mention UMich in your last paragraph and it doesn't feel like you really want to go there. You talk about your interests but all the specific details make the essay seem boring and unrelatable. Try incorporating your interests with UMich in your new essay.
Kondite   
Dec 3, 2013
Undergraduate / Why attend Georgia Tech? I will meet the ebullient bee community [10]

"who...teaching" is a dependent clause. Read the sentence without the dependent clause and it will sound a whole lot better with the changes. "I will receive the strongest academics and learn from the best professors in the same class..."
Kondite   
Dec 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Why attend Georgia Tech? I will meet the ebullient bee community [10]

To cut words, you can delete your first sentence ,remove "however" after "Difficulties," change "edge" to "limit" and remove "edge of being broken." You can also delete "especially" in the last sentence and create a new sentence.
Kondite   
Dec 4, 2013
Undergraduate / Why attend Georgia Tech? I will meet the ebullient bee community [10]

I think you should change "Well known...me" to "Gatech attracts me because of its well-known programs and heavy workload." Also change "my knowledge, urge" to "my knowledge to urge." Take out "in" after "joined," change "found" to "founded," capitalize "House," change "doing so" to "my involvements."
Kondite   
Dec 4, 2013
Undergraduate / I'm Sorry Dad - Common App Essay Topic 1. [5]

Your essay seems more fitting for the prompt which asks if you have ever challenged a belief. From reading your essay, I get a feeling that you're not bound to the limitations set by your parents. You seem to have the intellectual ability to challenge your beliefs and incorporate your own meanings. Your essay seems to flow very smoothly.
Kondite   
Dec 21, 2013
Undergraduate / "The scenery, academy and community" Why Madison [2]

By quickly reading your essay like an admissions officer, I get the feel that you want to go to Madison because of its beautiful scenery and its diverse community. First off, change your first sentence to make it less awkward like "To me,UoW is special because..." Combine your second and third paragraph. Take out the obvious things like libraries having a lot of books. All libraries have a lot if books. I would suggest elaborating on your writing interests and how UoW is unique because all colleges have special communities. Try to emphasize the lack of diversity at your boarding school and how much your want to attend because of the new people that you can meet there. Take out the sentence about student number and study burden because college will be 100 times bigger and more difficult than your boarding school. Sorry but I don't have time to check your grammar so go over it with your teachers.
Kondite   
Dec 22, 2013
Undergraduate / Why Yale? passionate about teaching [5]

In my opinion, I think that you should rewrite your essay just for Yale. A way to tell if a college specific essay needs improvement is if you can interchange the name of the college in the essay. To be honest, you can be mesmerized by any professor from Yale, Harvard, or Princeton swinging a bucket of water. I would also suggest taking out the sentence about the rumor.
Kondite   
Dec 22, 2013
Undergraduate / Drowning is not an option. John Hopkins U Essay - interests/pursuits/passions/experiences [7]

I will accept your request to be harsh on your essay so don't be offended from what I say about your essay. You answer about 1/4 of the question being asked. Your first and second paragraphs are unnecessary unless you want to show your interconnection with your grandfather. If so, rewrite the paragraphs to clearly show that your swim training has allowed you to bond with your grandfather. Honestly, you can start the essay with the third paragraph. Your essay should be about you wanting to attend JHU but you only mention JHU in your last sentence. Post your original draft with 800 words because I feel like you took out the meat when you shortened the essay to 500 words.
Kondite   
Dec 23, 2013
Undergraduate / Why Yale? passionate about teaching [5]

I love your new essay! It seems more personal than before and clearly shows your interest in Yale. A few changes in the essay would make it perfect. Take out "So do I" and "(hopefully)".
Kondite   
Dec 25, 2013
Undergraduate / BURNING HOME; Williams College - Reflect on the scene [2]

Your house burning down doesn't really show how you've matured and discovered who you are. Elaborate on how your house burning down has made you realized all these things that you mentioned. You say that the disaster has completely changed you but how?
Kondite   
Dec 25, 2013
Undergraduate / Life gives me chances, but I make my own choices; Davidson College- Why Davidson? [4]

From my point of view, your essay overall seems in par for this school; however, there are some things that you should consider modifying or changing. As I approach the middle of your essay, you say that the Honor Code will make you believe that the mentally challenged kid is trying her best to get better. What does that have to do with believing that the child will get better? Your personal integrity has nothing to do with believing in something or someone. I would consider removing everything starting from " In spite..." You don't need to say that you don't know much about the school or that you're not the right student. Why would they choose you if they can accept the person that says they'll fit in perfectly and claims that the person has researched the school and knows it pretty well. I hope my feedback will help you in editting.
Kondite   
Dec 25, 2013
Undergraduate / "Optional" Why Duke? Short Answer: Undergraduate Economics [9]

Your essay is too simple and mundane for a high-caliber school like Duke. I would suggest researching more about the school and find something unique about Duke and elaborate on it. I don't suggest writing the optional unless you have something amazing.
Kondite   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Video games make me want to do Engineering. Brown Academic Interest short essay. [2]

Your paragraph is kind of confusing because it gives off the assumption that you have never played video games until that one day. Also, what do you mean by your brother no longer able to play that video game ever again? In my opinion, I don't think that your second paragraph effectively shows your passion in engineering. Everyone follows improvements in video game technology whether they like games or not. You should talk more about the specific technological improvements in Kinect and Oculus Rift. Restructure your last paragraph so it doesn't sound forced and awkward.
Kondite   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Why do we sleep?; Pomona - Title of the class,contents & why chose it/ [6]

Your essay seems quite mundane. You can tell that Pomona wants a quirky and creative essay when you read the 2 titles of their Critical Inquiry courses. Many people will probably write about a multidisciplinary course with different topics. You only have one last day so my advice to you is make your essay more creative. With these kind of essays, go out of your comfort zone and explore a different style of writing.
Kondite   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Being in Shanghai - NYU Prompt #1- NYU's Any Revisions [2]

Your first paragraph with your longings of studying out of state and praising New York makes it seem like you want to study at NYU's main campus in New York so I got confused when you say you want to study in China. I would advise you to apply to New York unless you've visited China and loved it there. You will learn to love the city life when you're having to face dirty and unhealthy conditions at Shanghai. Only parts of China dedicated to tourists seem clean but once you leave those areas, it's a completely different world. Getting back to your essay, you talk a lit of why you want to study in China but not why you want to study at NYU Shanghai. Try to talk more about the school and include a conclusion to wrap your essay.
Kondite   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / Diferent Ambition - Harvard Additional Essay REVISIONS [7]

I wouldn't advise submitting your application with this essay. This essay is meant to provide new information not stated in your application. It should reflect creativity and sophistication through your writing. You're just elaborating the activities that you have listed in your application. Many students get into Harvard without having to answer the optional supplement so don't worry about not submitting it.
Kondite   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / The cars salesman - common app essay [5]

So what is your story or background that is so central to your identity. You give brief stories about the car exchange and changing friends. You should stick to one story and elaborate on it further. Half of your essay is about change and most adcoms know what change is. Write more about how change has affected you than what change means.
Kondite   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / SHY BOY; Background/story central to my identity [5]

I don't understand why you think so negatively about your essay because it shows your passion and interest in writing. I don't think you need to shove extra unnecessary words into this essay, especially on the day before its deadline. I think it's the essay is good enough considering the level of procrastination on your college apps (I understand)...
Kondite   
Dec 31, 2013
Undergraduate / SHY BOY; Background/story central to my identity [5]

Hi, I remember your UC essay too! I don't see many issues with your essay. One thing to suggest is maybe in your last paragraph, elaborate on what you wrote that impressed your teacher. Tell me some concerns you have about this essay and I can help you out further.

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