Undergraduate / Food/ Baking/ Bioengineering; MIT; Central to Identity/Pleasure activity/ Major [8]

I've already applied to schools with my CommonApp response and had it looked over by my English teacher, but something still doesn't feel right about the flow of the last paragraph; any feedback about this (or the entire essay) is greatly appreciated. It also worries me that it's only 493 words (quality over quantity, but I definitely need some more descriptions somewhere).. This is responding to the central background/story prompt:

"Aiyaaaa!" is the first exclamation that pops out of my mother's mouth as soon as she comes home from a three week trip to Taiwan, a journey she takes every other month to visit her ailing parents. Even before she actually sees it, my mother already imagines the presumed entropy of our home, and she's rarely disappointed-the house is a mess, there are unpaid bills strewn on the kitchen counter, laundry is piled waist high, and seemingly worst of all, the refrigerator is empty. My brother and I try our best to hold down the fort when she's out of town, but besides worrying about whether I'll finish my homework in time and get to sleep before 2am, my mind is occupied with a to-do list of errands to complete: grocery shopping, cleaning the fish tank, and vacuuming the house, among others. Eating my way through the prepared food my mother leaves us before it perishes is the least of my concerns, which explains the vacant fridge and sheepish look on my face when I fruitlessly attempt to console my mother by saying, "At least the house hasn't burnt down."

Food is an important presence in my family. We eat special moon cakes in early September to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival, sticky rice bundled up in banana leaves while watching Dragon Boat Festivals, and glutinous tangyuan in sweet broth during the winter solstice. When I'm up late nights doing homework or studying for a test the next day, my mother offers me small bits of food and sweets, her method for keeping me alert through the night and a small "sorry" for not being able to help me, since she never attended college. The pre-packaged meals she assembles before she embarks on her bimonthly journeys are her contribution to my sanity as I attempt to juggle my social, academic, and personal lives. It certainly helps to have a bite to eat when I'm figuring out derivatives for math homework or correcting my mother's "drafts of certification" and "case information statements," trying to fathom what exactly caused my parents to grow apart. Those papers build the divorce case against my father, and though my parents' marriage deteriorated over five years ago, my mother decided only last March to end her relationship with my father.

Of all the nicknames that I have, "Pearl Jam" seems to me the most appropriate. A good jam must be "uniform throughout-not too stiff, not runny, not gummy or syrupy." In essence, it has the right viscosity. Although I am spread thin, each of my activities, whether it's dribbling up the court on a fast break or conducting a tempo on the field during a competition, has my full commitment. My mother leaves me on my own every other month not only because she has to, but because she knows I'll do everything in my power to keep our home (and myself) intact.

Here is also a look at two of my MIT short responses (still working on the other three). Evaluate them harshly please!

We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (*)(100 words or fewer)

On Saturday mornings, I like to bake. When I am in the kitchen, bathed in the aroma of white chocolate macadamia cookies or double fudge brownies, my worries of the week melt away. Mixing batter by hand is soothing, and I am mesmerized with the way the bright yellow yolks fuse with granules of flour and sugar, unleashing a sort of aromatic alchemy between molecules of proteins, lipids, and carbs. Baking perfectly spongey cupcakes with shiny domes ready for frosting is success in and of itself; the smiles that appear on my friends' and family's faces when they see confections headed their way are merely an added bonus.

Although you may not yet know what you want to major in, which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? (*) (100 words or fewer)

My brother has ankylosing spondylitis (AS), long-term arthritis that affects his spine. On some days when his joints are especially inflamed, he cannot sit down or turn his head. My interest in biomedical technologies, coupled with summer program experiences in STEM, has given me the desire to become a bioengineer so that I may develop healthcare solutions to help those, like my brother, with chronic autoimmune disorders. The Department of Bioengineering, with its wide array of undergraduate research opportunities and world-renowned faculty, is the perfect place for me to harness my intellectual curiosity and use it to make a permanent difference in medical science.

Undergraduate / Which version of my "MIT: describe your world" responses is better? [3]

Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations?(*) (200-250 words)

The two essays are essentially rehashed/reordered paragraphs of each other, with a few minor alterations. Please give feedback on which is better, and if possible, what I can do to improve it. Thank you!

1.
Every other month, my mother leaves on a three week trip to Taiwan, a journey she takes in order to tend to her ailing parents as well as business relations abroad. My brother and I try our best to hold down the fort when she's out of town, but besides worrying about whether I'll finish my homework in time and get to sleep before 2am, my mind is occupied with a host of other errands to complete. My academic, social, and personal lives already demand enough attention, but during my mother's absence, bill payments, laundry, and cooking meals merge with my growing to-do list. However, as much as I resent the added responsibilities, I understand that my mother has her own duties to address, because family is always our first priority, and working hard is second.

It appears then, that of all the nicknames that I have, "Pearl Jam" seems to me the most appropriate. Although I am spread thin, each of my activities, whether it's dribbling up the court on a fast break or tossing together homemade chicken Alfredo for dinner, has my full commitment. My mother leaves me on my own every other month not only because she has to, but because she knows I'll do everything in my power to keep our home (and myself) intact. She's taught me that it's indeed possible to balance work with family and, even in the midst of hardship, you can always push through and prevail. (245 words)

2.
Of all the nicknames that I have, "Pearl Jam" seems to me the most appropriate. Although I am spread thin, each of my activities has my full commitment, whether it's dribbling up the court on a fast break or tossing together meals while my mother is gone, halfway across the world in Taiwan tending to her ailing parents. She leaves for three weeks every other month not only because she has to, but because she knows I'll do everything in my power to keep our home (and myself) intact. When she is out of town, my brother and I try our best to hold down the fort, but besides worrying about whether I'll finish my homework in time and get to sleep before 2am, my mind is occupied with a host of other errands to complete.<thinking about deleting this sentence My academic, social, and personal lives already demand enough attention, but during my mother's absence, bill payments, laundry, and cooking meals merge with my growing to-do list. As much as I resent the added responsibilities, I understand that my mother has her own duties to address, because family is always our first priority, and working hard is second.

My mother has taught me that it's indeed possible to balance work with family and, even in the midst of hardship, you can always push through and prevail. If she can juggle a grandfather recuperating from a total knee replacement surgery eight thousand miles away, a small business, and a divorce case at home, surely I can find time to vacuum the house in between band practice, prepping for my next exam, and shopping for groceries. (271, 224 with italicized sentence omitted)

Undergraduate / The Rain Room / Fu Foundation School - Why Columbia; Why Engineering [2]

For each essay reviewed, I will review one in exchange.

Tell us what you found meaningful about one of the above mentioned books, publications or cultural events.(300 words or fewer)
Imagine controlling the weather and possessing the power to stop rain. Last summer, at the Rain Room exhibit hosted by the Museum of Modern Art, I waited seven hours, seemingly with all of New York, to be allotted the privilege of the gods. The Rain Room was an intersection of science, technology, and human ingenuity. Body-mapping cameras controlled a grid of falling water that cycled at a rate of a thousand liters per minute: wherever you stood, the water did not. The Rain Room encouraged people to become performers on an unexpected stage, bringing together art enthusiasts, technology lovers, and the simply curious, like me. No one could explain exactly why I waited on line from eight o'clock in the morning until three in the afternoon only to be rushed out of the exhibit by security guards after fifteen minutes. Perhaps it was the fear of missing out, the longing to join others in conversation about the latest trend in interactive art. In the end, it was most likely the need to validate that despite the downpour, I never got wet-a perfect metaphor for the obstacles in life that trip me up, but never permanently.

After experiencing the Rain Room, I was reminded how to enjoy life one moment at a time. It did not matter that I spent an entire Sunday afternoon on a warm, humid sidewalk only for my pilgrimage to end in another warm, humid building. The involvement that went into my journey-making friends with strangers on the pavement and slowing down in a world all about hustle and bustle-made it worthwhile.

Tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.(300 words or fewer)

Columbia is a microcosm of New York City-a melting pot of ethnic and intellectual diversity. When I visited the University for an Engineering Invitational and sat on the steps of Low Memorial Library, I could feel the energy from the city reflected in the bustling student population and vibrant campus. When Mr. Vallancourt presented to the audience a tidbit of his "The Art of Engineering," I fervently wished that I was a freshman in his course so I could see the rest of his presentation. His apparent passion for electrical engineering and teaching students was as bountiful as the internship opportunities that accompany Columbia's location in the heart of the United States' most dynamic city.

Because the Fu Foundation School is dedicated to creating socially responsible engineers, I can turn to societies like Engineers Without Borders to weave civic engagement into my education. The Office of Global Programs' study abroad options simultaneously extend my learning beyond the classroom and apply my knowledge toward helping others. Columbia's unique Core Curriculum and commitment to acquiring knowledge across several disciplines ensure that I'll graduate as a well-rounded, intellectually aware Lion. The Core, with the breadth that it imposes, allows my classmates and I to share a significant common foundation of knowledge that fosters thoughtful discussions and the formation of strong bonds. I cannot imagine a better place than Columbia's Morningside Heights campus to thrive in an environment focused on innovation and collaboration.

If you are applying to The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science, please tell us what from your current and past experiences (either academic or personal) attracts you specifically to the field or fields of study that you noted in the Member Questions section. (300 words or fewer)

My interest in biomedical technologies, coupled with summer program experiences in STEM, has given me the desire to become a bioengineer so that I can develop healthcare solutions to help those, like my sibling, with chronic autoimmune disorders. My older brother has ankylosing spondylitis (AS), long-term arthritis that affects his spine. On some days when his joints are especially inflamed, he cannot get out of bed and struggles to even sit up. As an engineer, I want to push the vanguard of biomedical solutions for the problems society faces today. I can use my persistence in overcoming challenges and understanding of biology to better devise synthetic biomaterials for artificial joint replacements and work toward answering other conundrums in biomedical engineering. Columbia's recent breakthrough in repairing damaged joint cartilage and addressing the issue of implementing synthetic replacements underscores its passion for innovation; I want to be a part of the same community that fosters such groundbreaking research. Senior design projects in biomedical engineering reflect Columbia's devotion to undergraduate involvement, and it is with those ventures that I can solve real-world problems.

The Fu Foundation School of Engineering and Applied Science, with its wide array of undergraduate research opportunities and world-renowned faculty, is the perfect place for me to harness my intellectual curiosity and use it to make a permanent difference in medical science.