Scholarship / 'how to apply and what to write?' - Self introduction essay for KGSP scholarship [8]

The best information to put in a personal essay always has to do with your personal accomplishments and activities that have relevance towards the course you are

applying for. By showing them that you have proper exposure and activities that make you a very good candidate as a student, the scholarship committee will know that you are very serious about your chosen career path and will not be dropping out to change courses midstream. You also have to assure them that the scholarship is very

important towards achieving your end goal of graduation and how you plan to help promote the scholarship program during your time as a student and even after graduation. It is not really very difficult to write this sort of paper as long as you know what the scholarship committee is looking for and you will be able to respond to it. If they have any essay prompt, make sure to address all of the questions that they are asking of you in order to gain their interest and attention.

Undergraduate / Here, in the movie theater is where I feel the most satisfaction, the most joy, the most comfort [6]

The essay itself is already very good content wise. It just needs to expand a bit more towards the end part. The paragraph that explains how you are observing the other people in the cinema. How is watching the movie with these people a meaningful experience for you? Surely you are thinking of some things as you observe them. Pull back on the information about what you are thinking as you watch the movies. Instead, talk about how the movies help you deal with real life. Your interaction with other people and problems that you might find resolutions to as you watch these movies and observe the audience with you. Those are the experiences that make the movie viewing experience meaningful to you.

Undergraduate / The Transcendence of a Stage - transition from childhood to adulthood [5]

The essay itself is very well written and describes a very important event in your life. However, the reason as to why this particular event signifies the transition from childhood to adulthood in your community or family remains unclear. You would want to discuss a topic that clearly refers such an event in your life. Events such as receiving a family heirloom, a heart to heart talk with your mother or father about responsibilities and their expectations of you at a certain age, or perhaps a community event that marks such a passage like hunting or fishing with some people from the community along with other people of similar age to you. Although the above topic is very interesting and truly engaging, it does not refer to any reason as to why it should be considered a transitory event from childhood to adulthood that is shared with your family or community.Instead, it is a personal experience about a memorable event in your past. I hope my review helps you out. Good luck !

Writing Feedback / Writing is one of the things I used to hate the most - My first Reflective essay [2]

You were really able to express yourself well in this essay even though you are not a native English speaker. For the spelling errors, I suggest that you learn to use the spell check programs that come with all document writing software such as Word and Open Office. Normally those programs will not only help you fix the spelling errors but also guide you in simple sentence structure as it makes suggestions for certain sentence or paragraph structures that it deems to be wrong or confusing. Over all, you did a very good job on this paper. I know you can improve your writing even more over time. All the best writers get to that status through years of practicing their craft and you are well on your way to that. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / People nowadays don't spend too much time on their personal enjoyment because they can't - TPO [2]

Just a few grammatical corrections that you should apply:

1. Spreaded - spread

2. even - generally accepted will suffice

3. Capital I for first person tenses

4. [sThey are not affordable to the things] - they cannot afford to do things

5. if thinking of the unfinished... - if I think...

6. I still stay in the library...

7. read some of my favorite books which the most economical...

8. The same logic...

9. and intelligenized

10. ways of entertainment...

11. ... people do not live for hardships

12. ... if conditions permit

Writing Feedback / "Closing My Eyes" - driving on the expressway at night - PLACE YOU FEEL CONTENT... [4]

First of all, I I thought you were going to talk about your bed but you ended up talking about something totally different. I suggest you finalize the title for it. Your opening statement alone indicates that you are imagining something else. All of a sudden, you end up talking about your car. This is where another problem lies. Although you say that you feel comfortable, nothing about what you describe tells me you feel content in the car. If you are thinking of problems and other things, that is definitely not a place where you feel happy. You describe too many other emotions and activities within the car that do not really relate to contentment. If you feel content in your car, you have to talk about why you feel that way. You say you feel safe in the car but you never describe why. Why does your breathing pattern change when you are in the car? How does that help you feel content? Then at the end, you suddenly say you feel content because the car lets you listen to Lana Del Rey. That is a totally different theme that you have to discuss.

Basically, it does not answer the prompt although it is descriptive enough. It can use improvements that a professional writing service can provide. The essay requires a professional rewrite in my opinion. I can refer you to a professional writing service if you would like. Good luck!

Writing Feedback / "Closing My Eyes" - driving on the expressway at night - PLACE YOU FEEL CONTENT... [4]

I definitely think you should start over. I suggest that you outline the reasons you feel content in your car before you start writing so that you won't be tempted to stray off topic while writing. I hope that helps :-) I am sure you can do this.

Writing Feedback / What is one important "easy answer" that we should resist? what dangerous misconceptions hold? [6]

I would give this essay a 10 out of 12 because of the highly intelligent discussion that you have posed. It is debatable in some ways, which makes it very interesting to read. Now, there are no grammatically perfect essays to come out of college students so I will over look those and just concentrate on the content of the paper. I agree that the essay can use a good conclusion but I believe that you can fix that by starting off the final paragraph with the following sentence "In conclusion, I would like to present the case of (name of google founder) as a perfect sample of not trusting in the opinion of others... It is because of the conclusion problem that I gave it an overall grade of 10. Keep in mind though that if you improve upon the grammatical content and correct the errors in sentence structure and spelling, your paper will bring in a better mark with your professor. Of course my grade is only for reference and is not going to be similar to the final grade your professor gives you but I believe that you are going to receive very good marks on this paper if you apply the suggested corrections. It is a good paper, you just need to adjust the content to make it even better. Keep up the good work!

Undergraduate / "Meissner effect" - My world view was mostly shaped by my school - MIT [9]

You should drop the Messner Effect in the title of the essay and just mention it in passing within the actual paper. Your concentration should be on how the school -- its faculty members, classmates, and organizations helped shaped the person you became. That is because you mentioned in the title that your world view was shaped by your school. The Messner Effect does not have a truly point of view shaping effect on a person. That kind of influence comes from your interaction and discussion with your school peers. Concentrating on that will definitely improve the paper much more. I hope this helps you in the further revision of your paper. Keep up the good work. The paper is shaping to be a great one.

Undergraduate / The Transcendence of a Stage - transition from childhood to adulthood [5]

Your sentences flow well actually. It is also best to keep it in its original form because changing the sentence structure using other people's suggestions might make the teacher question if you used a professional writing service since your writing style will tend to change with the editing of the paper. I suggest that you read the essay at least 5 times and discover for yourself if you would like to rephrase certain parts. That way the sentence structure and flow will not change. Any suggestions we make to change the sentence structure such as rephrasing might not flow well with the rest of the paper. So it would be best for you to rewrite certain portions that you think need improvement. But let me get you started with this:

Last year's was an instant success - discuss this portion further. What was the activity last year? What made it a success? Why do you consider it successful?

You are doing an overall good job on this paper. It shows great promise content wise. Keep up the good work :-)

Letters / 'I worked in Madagaskar' - Cover Letter Young Professionals Programme at the United Nations [3]

I agree with the previous comments. Instead of telling them about their program, you should instead concentrate on informing them about how you were influenced by their program. That way you can still mention their goals, objectives, mission statement, etc. while not really rehashing what they already know. Since the concentration of the United Nations is on human rights, I strongly suggest that you discuss your stand on human rights in relation to your living in Madagaskar and how you plan to use your experience with the Young Professionals Programme to further your human rights work either in Madagaskar or other parts of the world. Concentrate on human rights. That is what the program is about. Let them feel your passion for human rights through your letter. That is what they are looking for and expecting of all the program applicants. I hope this helps you in further improving your paper :-)

Undergraduate / Skateboarding; I grew up within a community of talented, inspiring individuals - background or story [3]

Hey, this is a fantastic essay. But just like all essays, there is still room for improvement. In the portion where you talk about going to the skate park everyday to learn the skateboarding moves and techniques, I would suggest that you go a little further and make it more personal. Share a learning experience you had with one of the older skateboarders that influenced the way you approach your academic studies as well. It will be a perfect fit because later on in the paper, you discussed how skateboarding prepared you for serious studies and how you compare learning to skateboard with learning academics. I believe that this addition will further enhance the meaning of the paper for both you and the admissions officer who will read it. Overall, this is an almost perfect effort. I commend you on a well thought out and written paper. I hope you will take my suggestions into consideration as well. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Meissner effect" - My world view was mostly shaped by my school - MIT [9]

It is alright to use the term "I remember" twice since it indicates the start of a new sentence and thought process. Using it twice and separating it using commas is not alright. That would be a redundancy.

Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]

There is a lot of grammatical errors and sentence structure problems in your paper. I suggest you use a professional writing service for revisions. It cannot be done by mere suggestions here.

Writing Feedback / 'I'm really keen on cook since I was a little girl' - Describe a hobby [2]

The premise of your essay is interesting. But you need a very good hook to interest the reader. For example, you can explain how cooking became a hobby for you because one time you were alone in the house and you did not have any food to eat but there was uncooked food in the fridge. You can say something about how you enjoyed the experience and then started cooking a lot more because it was a relaxing hobby or something like that. The hook at the start of the first paragraph is what will set the tone for the rest of the essay. Over all though, this was a good draft. There is still room for a lot of improvement. Keep up the good work :-)

Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]

There are a number of them that can be found via internet search. Just type essay writing assistance in Google and a number of them should turn up for you to consider.

Undergraduate / Here, in the movie theater is where I feel the most satisfaction, the most joy, the most comfort [6]

First highlight the section you want to edit. Then use the menu that can be found at the top of the editing box when you type a message to mark the changes that you want to make.

Writing Feedback / 'there will be more equipment and we will be dependent on them' - conveniences vs development [2]

You did an excellent job on this essay. You created valid points by using real life examples and made sure that it always related to your previous discussion. It has provided a discussion that requires one to think of the validity of your argument and in the end, accept that all the points you made were quite acceptable and thus valid. I am sure you will get a good mark on this paper. It is really a very good piece of writing. Keep up the good work !

Writing Feedback / Arts and public services are both important to the community and should be invested properly - IELTS [9]

You are thoroughly off tangent with your response. The prompt asked you "to what degree do you agree with the statement". It was not asking for your opinion on the topic. It was asking you to agree with what was said to a certain degree. Instead, you gave a personal opinion on the matter. Revise the essay to stay on topic. Do not deviate from discussing only the essay prompt. Otherwise, your essay will not be answering the prompt and will fail the test.

Don't get too stressed out with the review. Just relax and take it easy. Study other IELTS essays that are freely available on the internet so that you can get a sense of how to best answer essay prompts like the one you posted. By studying the way the others before you answered their essays, you will be able to develop your writing style and possibly pick up some pointers along the way. Good luck and keep practicing :-)

Writing Feedback / Internet and TV have a greater influence over people's lives than politicians. Do u agree? [12]

While I agree that you need more exposure to the English language by reading books and such, I would have to say that the essay you wrote was good enough for starters. Great writers are created over practice and time. You have the ability to make yourself understood using the written word. But, if you take the time to re-read and re-write this essay, you will find that you can make further improvements on your own. Try rewriting the essay 4 times and you will see what I mean. You will figure out which parts you want to remove, improve, or expand upon. Then at the end, you will have an essay that you will be very satisfied with and your professor will be happy to read at well. Remember, practice makes perfect so don't give up on trying to improve this paper.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Modern technology has impacted the traditional cultures in both negative and positive ways. [5]

I marked my corrections in bold letters. The strike out means to delete them and replace. The corrections I caught are as follows:
1. It is technological advances, not technology advances.
2. It is "the effect of technology" not the affect of technology.
3. Add a period at the end of last sentence in the first paragraph.
4. Say "our lives have been improved by many gadgets" instead of "with many gadgets".
5. The invention of the mobile phone
6. ... as much as working .It is less...
7.. highly productive systems not highly productive system
8. as we have had emails...
9. Many old traditionally, cultural
10. New video games hashave
11. despite the drawbacks
12. art masterpieceshashave
13. restoratedrestored

I hope these corrections help. Let me know if you need any points clarified for you. I'll be happy to help you out :-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Modern technology has impacted the traditional cultures in both negative and positive ways. [5]

I would give it a 7 due to the numerous grammatical errors. The essence of the writing is quite clear though. The topic is thought out and developed. But there is definitely room for more discussion and improvement. I would suggest that you use document editing tools that can help you detect grammatical errors while offering corrections or advice on how to correct the mistakes. Don't forget to keep reading materials in the English language as that will help you develop sentence structures and punctuation usage skills. The key word here is practice. You can never get enough practice in the days leading up to your exam day. Good luck and don't lose heart :-)

Undergraduate / Lucked out of the gaokao ; UW Madison Admisson Essay [5]


You left the description of the location hanging. Include a description or the names of the mountains that hem in the small town in China. What is the name of the small town? You need to give a detailed description that includes the name of the town. The first paragraph is too short for an introduction.


- This should be worked into the first paragraph as part of the description mentioned earlier.


- It was on that hot summer day...

The title should also be changed from "Lucked Ou"t to Locked Out because you were prevented from getting to the school. Luck had nothing to do with it.

Undergraduate / "Order of the Arrow" - Common App Essay: WHAT PLACE ARE YOU MOST CONTENT? [5]

I found out that you were speaking as the voice of the camp itself. That does not answer the essay prompt at all. You need to speak in first person about your experience at the camp and why you feel so content being there and what made it unique to be at the camp. Revise the whole paper to describe your experience. Do not speak as the voice of the camp. The camp has nothing to do with the prompt. You are the student, it is your unique experience being asked about. Although relating the story from the point of view of the camp is a nice touch, it fails to deliver the message about you, your experience at the camp, and why that experience made you feel content.

Maybe you can talk about the first day you arrived at the camp. What was the magic that you felt there that day? What kind of electricity enveloped you and the place? That was the day that should have been the most unique for you and perhaps also the day that made you feel the most content since it was your first day there and you did not know anybody yet. How did you come to feel welcomed and at home at the camp? Those are the bits and pieces of information that will best answer the prompt.

I suggest you write another version using the guides I provided you then compare it with your first work. I believe you will find a marked improvement with regards to answering the essay prompt. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "Order of the Arrow" - Common App Essay: WHAT PLACE ARE YOU MOST CONTENT? [5]

I realize that you were going for that effect. However, the essay requires a first person narrative. Not a passive voice. It is asking about an active experience. I know that it is not easy to write a standard five paragraph essay and believe me, you were not emotionless. The essay was actually good. Except that it was written in the wrong voice. The experience comes from a personal background. But the way you told it, you were telling us how the camp felt. Not how you felt. So there was a disconnection between how you were expressing the experience and the essay prompt. It is that disconnection that we need to fix to make the essay even better. Good luck :-)

Undergraduate / The World of Harry Potter is the world I came from - MIT essay [2]

You totally missed the point of the prompt. It has nothing to do with fictional worlds and what you hope to achieve in college. Rather, the prompt is asking you to take a part of your life, for example, being a member of the swimming club or the school newspaper and then using that environment to describe yourself. The idea is to explain how you learned something like say, the importance of responsibility while working at a part time job in order to explain how that world helped you to develop your dreams, ambitions and aspirations in life.

For example, I would say that :

I grew up in a family of lawyers. Having parents who are both lawyers, my first words were "Not Guilty!" instead of "mama" or dada". When I was old enough to be taken to work, my parents took turns taking me to their respective law firms. The world of law was not only the world of my parents, because of my constant exposure to it, it became increasingly a part of my own world too. That is how I developed an interest in law. During summer months in high school, I worked part time for my parents and attended some court dates with them, further increasing my interest and taking me deeper into the law experience...

Then I would go on to say more about the world I grew up in from there. I hope that I gave you a clear idea of how the essay should actually go. I suggest a complete revision of your paper so that it will follow the prompt more closely. Good luck :-)

Undergraduate / I gave my hand to a helpless man - Common App Belief essay [5]

The overall theme of the essay is more of a transition to adulthood since you decided to help somebody that no one else would even though you were just a teenager. So it would be best for you to change the essay prompt to "accomplishment or event essay that marked my transition from childhood to adulthood. Your story and actions depicted that event more than you challenging an existing idea or belief. It is a very well thought out essay and tells a very touching story. You should be proud of your work. I look forward to reviewing your succeeding drafts and eventually your final version. Keep it up ! :-D

Book Reports / Issues to find the truth of a young boy's guilt or innocence - Twelve Angry Men: Text response essay [3]

In my opinion, you did a very good job of answering the essay prompt. You not only presented evidence to show the extent of your agreement with the statement using quotes and other information from the book, but you also mentioned the American judicial system as the basis of the goings on in the book. The best part was that you were also able to show the extent of your disagreement with the statement towards the end because you presented evidence to the contrary. So overall, I see this as a solid essay that can be submitted for grading to your professor / teacher.By the way, remember to cite the page numbers so that the teacher will know which part of the book the quotes came from so she will have a point of reference while reading and grading the essay. It is standard essay practice to include citations in text when writing an essay that used reference material :-)

Writing Feedback / Arts and public services are both important to the community and should be invested properly - IELTS [9]

Perspective and view mean the same thing. It should have said "In my point of view" to be more grammatically correct. If you want to use perspective in the sentence then it is alright to do so. Sometimes the English grammar uses different words that mean the same thing. Such as in the case of perspective and view. If you have a thesaurus handy, you will find that you can say words with the same meaning in about 5 different ways :-)

Writing Feedback / Arts and public services are both important to the community and should be invested properly - IELTS [9]

You are welcome. Also, if you don't mind, I'd like to correct your spelling. It is DEAR as in "My DEAR Mrs. Jones" and not DEER as in "Bambi is a DEER" :-) I am not sure if it has an online app but the one that I commonly use is an online thesaurus. Unfortunately, I am not allowed to post links on the forum so I cannot directly recommend one to you. I believe Google will help you find an app for the thesaurus. I know that it can be accessed on mobile and tablet devices. I am not so sure about the android though.

Writing Feedback / Arts and public services are both important to the community and should be invested properly - IELTS [9]

If you want a book or printed version of the thesaurus, I can recommend Merriam and Webster. Just make sure to ask for the updated one, the latest version so that you can get the updated words listing. It is a big help when you are learning to write essays because it almost totally eliminates redundancy in the sentences since you can use different words with the same meaning to express yourself .

Undergraduate / "Tall Dreams, Short Arms" - QUESTBRIDGE Bio Essay [6]

A bit of advice, drop the comparison to Napoleon Bonaparte as it does not help move your essay along and is disconnected from the latter part of the paper wherein you discussing bullying. Instead, focus on the bullying, connect it to your physically short stature and then further discuss the obstacles and complications you had to overcome due to your physical shortcoming. The portion where you discussed bullying was very effective. Don't discuss your brother or his illness at all. The admissions committee is not interested in that. Work on further developing the portions of the essay that describe how your short stature and the bullying helped you become a better person in life.

The essay itself is based upon a good and current theme. Save for the few disconnections due to the inclusion of Napoleon and your brother, it has the potential to become a very well written essay. Please take my advice as constructive criticism. Good luck :-)

Writing Feedback / 'we should restore the time devoted to weather and local news to its former level' - GRE essay [4]

Some grammatical errors in there that you have to correct:


- more timeto ...


- consider other reasons ...



- cancellations in advertising


- reasons behind these cancellations ...


- other solutions


- old ones


- showing sports programs...


- viewers


- advertisers


- strengthened


- solutions


- the argument could be further strengthened if the author defines vague terms as well as provides...

The strikeout means to delete and the red fonts are the correct ones that should replace the deleted words. I hope this helps. It is really a well thought out and analytical essay. Good luck with it :-)

Undergraduate / Lucked out of the gaokao ; UW Madison Admisson Essay [5]

One way you could improve it is by concentrating on the fact that you do not need to take any qualifying exams. Compare the educational system between China and the U.S. in such a manner that you can discuss how your cousin might have told you about the exams they have to take and what it is for. Which made you realize how lucky you are to be a student in the U.S. That way, you can clearly show how you came to realize that you have taken your education for granted all this time because U.S. education is somewhat easier than the Chinese way of education.

Undergraduate / Senator Mark Kirk - Why do you want to join a Service Academy? (Nomination) [7]

I agree with everything EF Kevin said. I would also like to add some thoughts on the matter. I believe that the focal point of your essay should be the life shaping experience dealing with your father that led to your interest in the naval academy. Perhaps talk about your father's patriotism and how that transferred to you. Working up towards an interest in the naval forces and your realization that the best way you can serve your country as a way of giving back is to serve in the navy. The reason being that you can serve your country and work towards pursuing your other naval related interests as well. William Faulkner is totally misplaced in the essay and the quote you used to open the essay is what is preventing a more personal and in - depth discussion of the reasons why you want to join the naval academy. Try to rewrite the essay without the Faulkner quote and see if it works / flows much better that way :-)

Graduate / 22 years in the pursuit of my dreams - evaluate my SOP for Grad school [3]

I have thoroughly enjoyed this journey of 22 years in the pursuit of my dreams. Life has taught me that an intense desire complemented by perseverance, hard work and courage are the key factors in accomplishing ambitions. Transforming theories into realities is what drives me, as an engineer. I have found my love for the field of Process Design, Control and Optimization.



bachelor of sciences major


- I also learned


- I began exploring the field of nano technology in 2011.


Add to the beginning: I was quite surprised and elated when my findings...


- I also lost a
few...


- I also handled improvement projects and also conducted safety audits.


- completed course in linear...

The strikeouts mean to delete the word and the rewrite in red is the word that should replace it. I would also like to suggest that you add a portion at the end about what contributions you can make to the advancement of certain graduate programs. Perhaps any potential studies or experiments that you wish to conduct in the future should also be discussed to show how deep your interest runs and highlight your potential to bring more attention to the graduate school as a premier learning institution. Overall, this is great work :-)

Writing Feedback / 'we should restore the time devoted to weather and local news to its former level' - GRE essay [4]

Cancellation is singular form. Since you are talking about more than one advertisement being cancelled, it goes into plural form. The plural form of cancellation is cancellations. That is why I had to add the letter S at the end. To make it plural form. You have to be very careful with your plural and singular forms because it can create unintentional grammar errors in essays like in the case of cancellation and cancellations. I hope that helps :-)

Letters / The feeling you get once you achieve something is extraordinary... my first motivation letter [15]

The scholarship letter is very weak in content. You should always mention the name of the scholarship and how you embody its mission and objectives. It is important that you also appeal to the scholarship committee by telling them why you feel you deserve to be a recipient of their scholarship. Mentioning what your plans are for the future or where you see yourself in 5 or 10 years and how the scholarship can help you achieve that will also be a nice touch. More importantly, you need to mention how you will help to promote the scholarship itself after graduation or during your studies. Any exceptional achievements that you have reached in the past that can relate to the course you want to study and the scholarship will also be a valuable piece of information for the scholarship committee to consider.

Writing Feedback / No one understands you more than yourself, so do not waste too much time trying to be someone else [2]

Although this is a solid essay, it deviates from the prompt provided as it does not really discuss the methods by which athletes are good and bad role models for the youth. YOu could start off your essay by mentioning the negative or the reasons that athletes sometimes do not make good role models, mention the use of steroids, cheating, and other documented reasons by citing sources of the information. Name some athletes to have a negative impact on sports to drive your point home even further. Then go ahead and discuss the positive effects of athletes on the youth. Use the same formula as I previously mentioned only concentrate on the positive and the names of well known athletes who have brought positive attention to their sports and achievements. Then conclude the essay with your own opinion on the topic. It does not matter if you agree or disagree, there are no right answers with this type of essay. I hope my comments help you out :-) Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS : intelligent machines replacing human beings : advantages and disadvantages [4]

Your introduction and thesis statement in the first paragraph it too short. I suggest that you present an overview of the ideas as to what the perceived advantage and disadvantage of using machines in place of human beings could be. You can then introduce your thesis statement. For the second paragraph, do not start off by saying" on the one hand". Instead, open the discussion with a history of machine automation and the reasons that man thought it would be more efficient and useful to develop machines and gadgets that can take over for humans. Mention difficult tasks that could also be life threatening for man, thus proving that using intelligent machines have an important use in the labor industry. For the third paragraph, do not assume information. Be sure. Be positive that the machines cause the unemployment rate to go up. Give definite reasons with supporting evidence for the disadvantages such as the lack of job opportunities, downsizing of the workforce, etc. Finally expand your discussion about why you believe that replacing humans with machines is advantageous by mentioning more tasks that a limited by the ability of man but can be programmed into machines to do.

You have a very good start to the essay. It just needs polishing and more discussion points. I believe this is your first draft and you will have to write at least 2 more before you come to your final version. Keep up the good work :-)